Dick Lemon

Dick:Hey. Ah-choo! No, not cry. Sneeze.

Dick · Tommy · Interviewees:Replacement interviewees are already waiting as Tommy tries to say goodbye

Dick:You hear that? She's gonna somethin' the mission's whatever.

Dick:So, uh, can we reach you at the transmitter in your head?

Dick · Christie:So, uh, Christie, how you gettin' along with your body? You like the boobs? / No. No, I really don't. / Mmm. Yeah. The smaller ones aren't as much fun.

Dick · Bryce:Bryce, when can you start? / Now. / That is the greatest answer to any question I have ever...

Tommy · Dick:These walls are real cinder block. / Oh, I don't think so. / Dear god, they are!

Dick · Tommy:Dick's farewell speech trails off awkwardly when Tommy hints Dick should reciprocate the sentiment of learning from him

Dick · Tommy (via phone/visit) · Bryce:Dick greets Tommy warmly, then immediately calls him Bryce — forgets his own son

Dick · Mary:Say, have you met Bryce canyon, our new information officer? / Oh, hello, Tommy. / Bryce.

Dick:Say, Bryce, we need some sunbathing information. What do you say you grease up, hit the rooftop, and I'll check on your progress later, huh?

Dick:Don't you dare say that. That's Tommy's chair. That'll always be Tommy's chair. He's not dead. He's just in a different location! That's all!

Dick · Tommy:See ya later, cind. / See ya later, cind.

Dick:Oh, no, but it's gotten much better. We just painted.

Dick:Dick's argument for Tommy not going to Pendleton: 'We just painted.'

Dick:that wreaks havoc, but makes you the most popular man on campus.

Dick:Look at your friend Cindy, talking to that young rascal over there. I wonder what sort of Freshman prank he's cooking up.

Dick:Gum can double as adhesive, but most adhesives do not necessarily double as gum.

Dick · Bryce:No. No. You don't have to call me 'Sir.' Call me 'Your honor.' / Your honor. / Yeah. Little bit louder. / Your honor. / That's it.

Tommy · Dick:Dick, open the door. / You have the... You have the doorknob. / I know. / Oh, my god! You planned this. You're trying to get me expelled! / Bingo!

Dick:Sure. Blame dad.

Dick:Well, it is a serious offense. Where are the expulsion forms, in your desk? I could give you a leg up.

Dick:But a warning? Why don't you just give him a big wet kiss?

Dean · Dick:Dean bonds with Dick over his own freshman prank: making a marching band spell out a dirty word — but the Dean thinks Dick's prank was MORE impressive

Dick · Chancellor:I remember my own freshman prank. I messed with the marching band's formation and made 'em spell out a dirty word. / That's very funny. / Well, it's nothing like this. / Well, you're too kind.

Chancellor · Tommy · Dick:Such attention to detail. I love the coffee mug. / Thank you. / The coffee mug was my idea. / This whole thing is mine. He had nothing to do with it. I'm the mastermind behind the freshman prank.

Dick:Yes! If there's anyone you should be foisting your daughter off on, it's me!

Dick · Harry:We're never hiring anyone ever again. / Well, with him gone, I guess you'll be wantin' me to oil up and put on the speedos. / Oh, no, no.

Dick:I don't want you to go! I don't want you to go.

Dick · Tommy:Why did you have to grow up? / I don't know. It was just the body I picked.

Dick:Parenting's hard. You give love, you give encouragement, you give support... and then, if you do a good job, they just go away.

Dick · Tommy:What do you mean? / Parental love at its best. It's the only love there is that inevitably leads to separation. / How do you always know these things? / I'm the information officer. I sent you a memo on this years ago.

Dick:There's beer in this room.

Dick · Joel · Tommy:Nice to meet you, Joel. / Isn't this yours? / No, no, no. I was just leaving.

Dick · Sally:You came on to him, huh? / Yeah, like Germany came on to Poland.

Dick · Harry · Sally · Tommy:Dick misses Tommy — 'I wonder what Tommy's doing right now?' — then the cut to Tommy doing laundry

Dick · Harry · Sally:I wonder what Tommy's doing right now? / He's separating his whites. / Yeah, and maybe starting to presoak. / Mmm. I hope he goes easy on the bleach, but you know Tommy. He won't. / No. Never.