Lionel Hutz

It turns into a sponge in water.

How does a nice girl know that word?

Is that a broken neck? Great!

The Supreme Court called. They need your help on a freedom thing. Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them.

Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

You'll also get this faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our gift.

But what is truth, if you follow me?

You mean like I'm dead? Sure. The kid's a pro.

He's offering us this because he knows he'll lose and have to pay us a million.

I spit on his $500,000!

$500,000! I spit on his $500,000!

Oh, the truth!

My mother said, 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything.' Will that hold up? No, I've tried.

There is one catch. You must spend one night in a haunted house. Just kidding.

Here's a pen with my phone number on it. It looks like a cigar. Isn't that neat?

Lionel Hutz, attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose I'll be famous.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson but you can't copyright a drink. Ohh! This goes back to the '7 8 Frank Wallbanger case. How about that? I looked something up. These books don't just make the office look good. They're filled with useful legal tidbits.

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.

Homer, I don't use the word 'hero' very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

Homer, I don't use the word 'hero' very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.

She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this 'Play' button. Pretty sweet, hey?

To my executor, Lionel Hutz I leave $50,000. Mr. Hutz! You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

Surprise witnesses-- each more surprising than the last. / I tell you-- the judge won't know what hit him.

Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record. No.

By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Better cut down there, Smokey.

Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly'... and the word 'dog' with 'son.'

What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me.

Hello, David. I'm really tempted. Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you. I love you too, man.

Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows. I'm not wearing a tie at all.

Hutz's America comment: 'If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers'

Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

I move for a bad court thingy. You mean a mistrial? Yeah. That's why you're the judge, and I'm the law-talkin' guy. The lawyer. Right.

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Webster's defines it as 'an agreement under the law which is unbreakable.' 'Which is unbreakable'!

Excuse me. I must use the restroom. [Door Slams] Uh, Mr. Hutz?

Of course, being a highly skilled attorney... my fee is $175 an hour. We pay eight dollars for the night... and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer. Three. Two. Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage. Done. Still got it.

Oh, sure. Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.

As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.

Don't touch my stuff! Hey. This isn't the Y.M.C.A.

Why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl?

I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.

I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

Out of the way. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer- uh, keeper-awayer.

But we did win. - That's okay. The box is empty.

Oh, they got this all screwed up.

No, money down! Oops. I shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

Well, Your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are... kinds of evidence.

Leave it in as evidence. Bazooka Joe's got deep pockets.

My attorney, Lionel Hutz, calls your attention to Municipal Code 147-C

Mr. Hutz, we won. We?

I'll need to refer to the case of Finders versus Keepers

You see, the law business is a little slow... and since most of my clients wind up losing their houses... this was a natural move for me.

Yes, the money is good. But the beauty is you get to stay in the house until it's sold.

The right house is the house that's for sale. The right person is anyone.

I'd say it's awfully cozy. - [Marge] That's dilapidated. - Rustic. - That house is on fire. - Motivated seller.

But you'd better sell something. Because cubicles are for closers, Marge.

[Laughing] You're one of a kind, Marge... and nobody deserves this more than you.