Councilman Dexhart

I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say that it involves multiple women, a love child, nurses, rabbis, priests...

I am being supported, of course, by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-Mattress.

I got the babysitter pregnant, then when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet, as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant.

Was it the liver lady?

everything I just told you was just a funny prank.

You're like a glass of whole milk. What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.

I'm expected at two different maternity wards.

People already think we did it. You've got nothing to lose. I'm very good.

Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom where it belongs.

She has a mole on her right buttock. What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt.

I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV, but since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.

I also engaged in inappropriate texting, sexting, and tex-mexting, which is where you send photos of your junk from the restroom of a chili's to go.

No. Really. Tell me. It gets me off when women tell me that.

Enrique Shockwave, Willie Dynamite, Lee Harvey Teabag... Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis.