Christmas Scandal

Emcee/Announcer:Each December, one department puts on a show that spoofs what happened in our town. Prepare to laugh your Asnov!

Leslie:That's a bit of an understatement.

Councilman Dexhart:I don't want to go into details.

Councilman Dexhart:But I will say this: I was not at the Sweetums factory on the night in question. I was at a perfectly legitimate business meeting at a nearby motel. With a woman. Who was not my wife. We were conducting market research on the thread count of various bed linens. High thread count. Very high. Egyptian cotton. We were there for six hours. Testing multiple beds. She kept saying 'Oh Dexhart, this one's even softer!' And I said 'Yes, the Egyptian cotton really makes a difference.' Then we moved to the next bed.

Dexhart:I want to thank all my generous supporters who made this fundraiser possible: Jack Daniel's, Penthouse Magazine, and my bookie.

Dexhart:I'm going to hold a fundraiser at my house this weekend. It's going to be a lingerie party.

Leslie:Oh my God, that's amazing! I love it! That is so fun and sexy and inappropriate!

Dexhart:Well, actually it's to benefit the Parks Department.

Leslie:Even better!

Government Follies performers:We're Pawnee, we're modest, our bar's set real low. We're happy with basics, that's all that we know. Our streets might have potholes, our parks fall apart, but we celebrate greatly the small and the start. Our government's clumsy, our budget's a mess, but we throw a parade for the smallest success!

Leslie:When preparing a costume, you need to think about every detail. The fit, the color, the accessories—it all matters.

Leslie:I learned this the hard way when I was eight years old and sat on the mall Santa's lap. My costume was a beautiful angel outfit, white wings and everything. But I had eaten so much candy that day that I... I pooped my pants. Right there. In front of Santa.

Tom:We're doing an Internet radio simulcast of the town hall meeting. That's tight butthole!

Leslie:Well, Jeremy Dexhart really got off easy with just a resignation. I mean, the guy basically got a free pass. Unlike me, who had to actually face consequences for my actions. But that's the difference between a dedicated public servant and a serial philanderer. Although I have to say, if I'm being completely honest here, and I always am because that's who I am, he should have gotten off much harder. Much, much harder. I'm talking about the legal system, obviously. The point is, he got off easy, I did not, and that's just how it is. Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience, tip your servers!

Andy:Okay, so what do gay guys like? Like, a nice scarf?

April:Andy, no.

Andy:A musical theater ticket?

April:Stop.

Andy:A very well-organized spice rack?

April:Oh my God.

Andy:A book about interior design? A dog with a cute name?

Andy:I'm gonna think real hard about this gift.

Andy:I'm gonna nail it.

Jeremy Dexhart:Who told you about the scandal?

Leslie Knope:Nobody! I mean, not nobody. Somebody. But not... a lot of somebodies.

Dexhart:You know about the intern, don't you? Look, it was a mistake. It was late, we were both drinking...

Leslie:What intern?

Dexhart:Oh thank God. I thought you knew about the pages.

Leslie:What pages?

Dexhart:The photos. The photos of me and the interns at the State Fair.

Leslie:How many interns?

Dexhart:All of them.

Jeremy Dexhart:I have to say, I'm impressed by your restraint. Most people would've focused on the really disturbing stuff.

Dexhart:Wait, wait, wait. You guys... you guys know what? I was just messing with you. It's a prank. Classic Dexhart prank.

Perd Hapley:We're following breaking news out of Pawnee where local government official... uh... Leslee? Leslee Knope has...

Perd Hapley:I'm being told it's actually Leslie. Leslie Knope. Well, that's embarrassing.

Perd:I witnessed Leslie Knope and Councilman Dexhart engaging in a series of adult beverages in what appeared to be a horizontal proximity situation.

Leslie:We need to fight back. What are our options?

April:We could break into the mayor's office and see if he has any weird stuff in his desk. I've always wondered what his desk looks like.

April:You should try seducing him.

Leslie:April, I'm a married woman.

April:So?

Leslie:So I would never cheat on Ben. I love him.

April:I know. I'm just saying, you're beautiful and talented and you could seduce anyone you wanted.

Leslie:Well, thank you April, that's very sweet. But the answer is no. Besides, Ben would kill me. He's very jealous.

Andy:So I'm at the shoeshine stand, right? And this guy next to me says, 'Yeah, my wife left me.' And I'm like, 'Oh man, that's rough.' He goes, 'Yeah, she said I never listen to her.' At least I think that's what she said.

Andy:Then he tells me, 'The worst part? She took the dog.' I said, 'Dude, that sucks.' He's like, 'Yeah, and she's gonna breed him. Apparently my genetics aren't worth passing on, but my dog's are.'

Andy:But here's where it gets dark. He leans over and whispers, 'You know what the real kicker is? She's moving to Portland with my brother. And they're gonna name their first kid after my dead grandmother just to mess with my mom.'

Andy:Then—and I didn't need to know this—he tells me his brother has a weird birthmark on his left butt cheek shaped like Wisconsin, and apparently that's what sealed the deal for my guy's wife. She said it was 'destiny.'

Leslie:I've been involved in so many scandals, I'm starting to think about my political future. I could be president someday. President Leslie Knope. It has a nice ring to it.

Leslie:Of course, by then I'll probably be involved in some huge scandal. Maybe I'll be caught embezzling funds or something. But that won't stop me! I'll just deny it and blame it on my staff.

Leslie:And then when that scandal breaks, I'll have an even bigger scandal ready to go. By the time I'm president, I'll have had so many scandals that nobody will even care anymore. They'll just be like, 'Oh, there goes Leslie again with another scandal.'

Reporter:Where are you getting your information from?

Leslie:Well, I heard it from someone who heard it from someone else, who may have overheard it at a community center.

Reporter:That's not a source.

Leslie:It's a source of a source of a source. So technically, it's a source.

Leslie:I need to work. I have to... process the municipal zoning permits through the inter-departmental filing nexus.

Tom:Leslie, this schedule is insane. You have a meeting at 9, another at 9:15, then lunch at 9:30?

Leslie:I know, I'm very efficient.

Tom:You're not efficient, you're a wizard. A crazy, beautiful wizard.

Leslie:No, no, no! Don't punch him. That's police brutality. But if you want to punch him after you take off the uniform, I can look the other way.

Tom:An audit? That's it, I'm moving to Costa Rica. I'm done. This is the end.

Leslie:Tom, it's just a routine audit.

Tom:Just a routine audit? Leslie, do you know what happens in audits? They look at everything. My lunch receipts, my travel expenses, that time I bought a marble bust of myself for the office.

April:You did that?

Tom:It was a good investment in office morale.

Mark:I'm in love with the Army. I mean, Leslie. Leslie Knope.

Ron:Why would I bring beer to the Sanitation Department? I don't even know those people.

Leslie:Because it's a nice gesture? They work really hard and—

Ron:Leslie, you can't just bring beer to every department in the city and expect them to like you.

Leslie:Why not?

Ron:Because that's not how the real world works.

Mark:I got you a computer bag. It's practical, durable, and it has multiple compartments for all your cables and adapters.

Mark:I did a lot of research on this. Looked at reviews, compared prices, made a spreadsheet.

Tom:Women say they don't care about diamonds because of blood diamonds and unethical mining practices. But then you show them a diamond and they're like 'Ooh, shiny!' It's the same with everything. They'll lecture you about factory farming, then eat a chicken nugget shaped like a dinosaur.

TV analyst:What we're seeing here is a clear sign of deep-seated anxiety and narcissistic tendencies.

TV analyst:Notice how she's using her hands to gesture while speaking—a classic overcompensation technique used by people desperate for attention.

TV analyst:In fact, I'd say this is one of the most disturbing displays of psychological instability I've ever witnessed on camera.

Leslie:Kid wasn't even competing, just attending as spectator

Dexhart:Being linked to Leslie is like having a spiritual sherpa guiding me up the mountain of redemption. She's carrying my sins in her backpack like trail mix.

Dexhart:Praise Jesus!

Dexhart:I have to leave. I've got to go pick up my son from soccer practice, then I have to go pick up my other son from hockey practice, and then I have to go pick up my daughter from her baby shower.

Dexhart:Look, we're both adults. We're both single. We're both extremely attractive. The math here is pretty simple.

Dexhart:I'm going to be honest with you — I'm an amazing lover. Like, genuinely one of the best. Multiple women have told me I'm in the top five.

Andy:I could get him a nice scarf or some good moisturizer.

April:Or a jet ski.

Andy:I want a gift that's like... okay, so imagine if the Indiana Pacers and the Indianapolis Colts merged into one team. And then that team played against a team made up of all my high school friends. And we won 203 to nothing. And then afterwards, everyone slow-clapped while eating breakfast foods.

TV analyst:Based on these photos of Leslie and Ann together, I can only conclude one thing...

TV analyst:They're lesbians.

Ron:Raccoons are vicious, arrogant little bandits. They're extremely aggressive, they have rabies, and they take what they want. They're like tiny thieves that could kill you. And frankly, I don't care if they're nocturnal or not. If a raccoon approached me, I would shoot it.

Ron Swanson:We have a raccoon problem. A serious one. They've eaten through the Christmas decorations, destroyed the refreshment table, and I'm fairly certain they've established a government.

Ron:I'm now in charge of the Parks Department while Leslie is away. I have to attend city council meetings, manage the budget, oversee all department operations, and maintain Leslie's elaborate filing system.

Ron:I'm also supposed to answer her emails, water her plants, and apparently be her 'emotional support' according to a note she left.

Ron:This is fine. I do all of this before breakfast.

Leslie:What? No! Ann is my best friend, not my girlfriend. I mean, I love Ann, but not like that. We're just really close friends who do everything together and sometimes finish each other's sentences and—

Joan:Uh huh.

Leslie:No, you don't understand. Ann and I are not together. We've never been together. I'm not even—I mean, Ann is great, but I'm very much into men. Specifically Ben. Ben Wyatt. Have you seen Ben Wyatt?

News Anchor:We're coming back live in 5... 4... 3...

Joan:Look at her go. That's what I call a "can-do" attitude. And I mean that literally—she can do, and she will do, and she'll keep doing it until everyone around her wants to throw themselves into a wood chipper.

Ron:I have nothing but contempt for the general public. But as a public servant, I am required to hide that contempt behind a false smile and really close body language.

Citizen:I have a complaint about the parks department. Every time I go to Ramsett Park, I expect to find a perfectly made sandwich waiting for me on a bench. It's been three months and nothing. This is completely unacceptable.

Citizen:I'm concerned about the playground. My child caught whooping cough there last week.

Citizen:And before that, he got tetanus from the monkey bars.

Citizen:Last month, he came home with turtle flu.

Leslie Knope:I have never had an affair with Councilman Dexhart. That's ridiculous.

Jeremy Dexhart:What are you talking about? We've been seeing each other for months!

Leslie Knope:That is completely false and—

Jeremy Dexhart:Remember when we made love in the Parks Department supply closet?

Leslie Knope:We did NOT—

Jeremy Dexhart:And that time in my office? On my desk? With the door open?

Dexhart:I can prove it. Remember that birthmark?

Leslie:That is not a birthmark, that is a stain from a caramel macchiato!

Leslie:It's not a mole, it's a beauty mark!

Ron:Leslie, that's clearly a mole.

Leslie:You know what? Fine. I'll prove it to you right now.

Leslie:This is live television, people are watching, and I don't care!

Leslie:I'm innocent! Look!

Joan:Oh my God! This is the most important thing that's ever happened in the history of television news!

Dexhart:Yeah, I was just making that up. I don't have a mole. I never had a mole. I just wanted to seem interesting.

Tom · Ron:I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal. / Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.

Mark:The ticket is non-transferable, so you'll need to use my name when you check in.

Leslie:Mark, I just... I can't believe we're breaking up.

Mark:Yeah, well, the flight leaves at 6 AM, so you'll want to get to the airport by 4. There's usually traffic on 295.

Leslie:Are you seriously talking about traffic right now?

Mark:I already checked a bag under my name, so you can't do that. Carry-on only. They're strict about the weight limit.

Leslie's mom:I'm so proud of you, Leslie. You've always been willing to show your butt for what you believe in.

Ron:I have to run a public forum, supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center. / Simultaneously.

Ann:Oh my god, Mark, this is beautiful! A designer bag!

Mark:Actually, keep opening it.

Ann:What? There's more?

Mark:Just open the bag.

Ann:Oh! Oh no. Mark, this is a Scarlet Johansson jersey.

Mark:I got you the jersey. The bag was just the wrapping.

Mark:I got you guys Pacers tickets.

Ann:Oh my god, Mark, that's so sweet!

Mark:Yeah, they're not great seats. You'll be sitting behind a pole. But the good news is, you won't be able to see the game, so you can just talk the whole time.

Joan Callamezzo:we all saw the tape from four years ago, and you were flashing some serious 'do me' eyes. That's just my opinion.

Joan Callamezzo · Dexhart · Leslie:You know what? That's a really good idea. Let's bring him out! / Councilman, come on out! / Hi, sweetie.

Ann:It's like I'm invisible.

Ron:Okay, my name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name. Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.

Citizen · Ron:I'm not worried about swine flu. I already have the swine flu. I'm worried about the turtle flu. / The turtle flu? / Turtle flu.

Leslie · Dexhart:Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun story is 'gotcha journalism' at its worst. / Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom where it belongs. / We do not have a private life! Stop saying that we have a private life!

Leslie:Leslie: 'The fact is, we never slept together, and if we did, you would have proof, and we would have seen it by now.'

Dexhart · Leslie:She has a mole on her right buttock. / What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about? / He has never seen my butt.

Leslie · Ann · Joan Callamezzo:Fine. Here, Joan. Why don't you look for yourself? / Is this happening? / Wait. / There's no mole. There is no mole. / This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope!

Leslie Knope · Joan Callamezzo:I can't believe it's come to this. This is utterly humiliating. / Well, Councilman? Care to make a comment about No-Mole-Gate?

Joan Callamezzo:Well, Councilman? Care to make a comment about No-Mole-Gate?

Dexhart:I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV, but since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.

Leslie · Dexhart:Thank you. / However, I have no plans to resign.

Leslie:Oh, great. Okay, Councilman. You know what? You're a class act.

Dexhart:I thought you did great. When you get all feisty like that, it gets my heart racing. Like I'm on a Stairmaster, except more, like, in a sexual... Context.

Leslie's Mom · Leslie:Honey! Thanks, Mom. / That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo!

Leslie:It's gotten a lot harder to work in government. You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have. Because he loved his job.

Tom · Ben/Andy:Reggie Wayne! / Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag!

Tom · Ben/Andy:Yeah, it's perfect. / It's way better than the gift that I got you. It's Pacers tickets. / Oh! They're not even good seats! Ugh.

Ben/Andy · Tom:I actually got you a second gift. / You don't have to come to this game with me. / You don't have to. / That's the nicest gift anybody's ever... Is that good? / Gotten me in my life!

Jerry/Garry · Leslie:Oh, thank God! / There's a bunch of messages waiting for you about a bunch of things I don't understand.