The Set Up

Tom:Justin? Please. I don't know who that is. But let me tell you who I do know - Tom Haverford, fashion icon. You see this outfit? I didn't just buy these clothes, I bought the entire mannequin display from the store. That's right, I walked in, saw those mannequins looking fresh, and I said, 'I want that.' So now I have seven mannequins at home wearing the exact same thing I'm wearing right now.

Ron:I'm getting visitors because the Parks Department is a public agency, which means the public has access to it. It's the very thing I've spent my career fighting against.

Citizen:This is a bowl I made. I know it's lopsided and kind of ugly, but I'm really proud of it.

Ron Swanson:It is lopsided and ugly.

Ron:I have to deal with the public. This is the worst nightmare of my life. I would rather sit in a room full of baby eagles, which is ironic because I love eagles.

Cafeteria Worker:No lettuce, no tomatoes, no cucumbers, no dressing, no taste.

Leslie:The combination sounds absolutely disgusting

Leslie:I created the Knope sandwich. It's got turkey, avocado, sprouts, and a very special sauce.

Leslie:Everyone loves it. It's my signature sandwich.

Leslie:Honestly? I hate it. I don't even like my own sandwich.

Leslie:I need that photo of you. It's perfect.

Dave:No, Leslie. That's my official police photo.

Leslie:I know, but I need it for my office. It'll only take a second to scan.

Dave:Absolutely not.

Leslie:Fine. Well, I guess I'll just have to steal it from your desk when you're not looking.

April:Yeah, long-distance relationships are really hard.

April:But you know what my problem was? Andy lived too close. He was always around. I couldn't get any alone time.

Jerry:There's no paper in the printer.

April:Okay.

Ron:I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't waste government money. I respect the taxpayers.

Leslie:Ron, you once spent $50,000 on a hunting trip that you said was a 'government resource.'

Ron:That was a necessary expenditure. And besides, I need more government funding so I can avoid dealing with the public.

April:This job posting is so vague. It could mean anything. Are you looking for someone to organize your files, or murder someone and make it look like an accident?

Ron:Well, the files are a disaster.

April:So... murder?

Ron:April, I need you to handle this job posting. But whatever you do, do not let it fall into the wrong hands.

April:It's a job posting.

Ron:Exactly. Which is why the government will stop at nothing to get it. They'll use it to track our hiring patterns, predict our staffing needs, anticipate our moves. It's a roadmap to our vulnerabilities.

April:Ron, it's literally just a form.

Ron:That's what they want you to think. Guard it with your life.

Justin:Any friend of Ann's...

Leslie:...is a friend of mine! That's going to be my new motto. I'm going to have it embroidered on a throw pillow.

Leslie:So what kind of law do you practice?

Justin:Corporate law, mostly.

Leslie:Oh. So you're not a criminal lawyer?

Justin:No.

Leslie:That's too bad. I feel like that's the only kind of lawyer.

Ron Swanson:A blowtorch with an innocent intended purpose? That's just a blowtorch.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Is that a Tom Ford suit?

Tom:Because the stitching on the lapels, the way the fabric drapes, the cut of the jacket—that's Tom Ford. I would know Tom Ford anywhere. I am basically Tom Ford.

Tom:Those are Allen Edmonds shoes. Italian leather, hand-stitched. Those are at least $600.

Tom:And that pocket square—that's a Hermès. You've got good taste, my friend. Real good taste.

Intern/Student:My supervisor said I was late again today. I told him it wasn't my fault.

Intern/Student:I said, 'Sir, I was stuck in traffic behind a parade of tiny horses. What was I supposed to do?'

Andy:So I was writing this song, right? And I thought, 'What rhymes with orange?' Nothing rhymes with orange. So I wrote a song that's just me saying 'orange' over and over for four minutes.

Andy:I call it 'Orange.'

Andy:I'm writing a song about writing a song about writing a song.

Andy:So the first verse is about how I'm writing a song, the second verse is about how I'm writing a song about writing a song, and then the third verse is about how I'm writing a song about writing a song about writing a song.

Andy:It's very meta. Very deep.

Ben:Andy, that's just... that's the same thing three times.

Andy:Exactly! See, you get it!

Ann:So what's your ideal man?

Leslie:Well, he has to be intelligent, ambitious, and passionate about public service. He should care deeply about the environment and social justice. Ideally, he'd be a Democrat, but I could compromise for a really progressive Independent. He needs to understand that my career will always come first, and he has to be okay with that. Also, he should be tall, but not too tall—I don't want to crane my neck. He needs to appreciate breakfast foods as much as I do.

Ann:That's very specific.

Leslie:I know what I want, Ann. I'm not going to settle for some Republican who thinks climate change is a hoax.

Ann:So you're looking for a man who's six foot three, has the torso of an Olympian, the mind of a Renaissance man, and the soul of a golden retriever?

Ann:Leslie, that's not a man. That's a Pinterest board.

Leslie:Okay Ann, here are the dating rules. Rule one: never date a guy who has a pet snake. Rule two: never date a guy who collects anything. Rule three: never date a guy who uses the word 'utilize' instead of 'use.'

Ann:Why are you telling me all this?

Leslie:Because I've made every single one of these mistakes. I dated a guy who had all three. He had a pet snake named Utilize that he kept in a collection of aquariums.

Tom:Yo, Darth Swanson!

Tom:How did you know it was a public call and not a friend?

Ron:Because a friend wouldn't call me. I have a rule: if you're my friend, you don't contact me.

Tom:That's insane.

Ron:Friendship is two people using each other to get what they want and refusing to be honest about it. But I'm done with that. I'm going off the grid.

Ann:Oh my god, is that blood?

Ann:I work at a hospital, of course it's blood.

Leslie:Ann, this setup is absolutely perfect. You've really outdone yourself.

Ann:Thank you, Leslie!

Chris:I couldn't help but overhear. Ann, that's excellent work. Really excellent.

Chris:So... do you come here often?

Chris:I read that's what people say on dates. I don't actually know if you come here often. That would be weird if I already knew that.

Chris:Leslie, I want to show you something impressive. I've been working on my flexibility.

Leslie:Oh really? What are you going to do?

Chris:I'm going to touch my toes without bending my knees.

Leslie:Okay, go ahead.

Chris:Nnnngh... aaahhhhh... OH GOD. Oh no. Oh no no no.

Leslie:Are you okay?

Chris:I think I pulled something. Several somethings. Everything hurts. Why did I do this?

Chris:I learned this trick online.

Chris:Leslie, can I borrow some ice for my hand? I burned it on the stove.

Leslie:Oh my God, yes! I would love some ice water right now, thank you so much.

Chris:No, no, I need ice for my burn.

Leslie:Oh... I thought you were being really generous and weird.

Ann:Justin is like... he's like a human being, but better. He's got all the regular human features, but they're arranged in a way that makes sense. Like, his face is a face, but it's a GOOD face. And when he talks, words come out, but they're the right words in the right order. I've never experienced that before.

Tom:So let me ask you something. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?

Candidate:Um... I guess Abraham Lincoln?

Tom:Wrong. It's me. You should want to have dinner with me. I'm your potential boss.

Tom:Okay, so you've got two options here. This tie or this tie.

Candidate:Um, those are the same tie.

Tom:No, no, no. One is slightly more burgundy. But here's the thing—

Tom:You've been thinking about this all wrong.

Tom:The correct tie was hidden the whole time.

Tom:It's this one.

Tom:Look, I'm not saying the government is hiding aliens in the basement of the library. I'm just saying nobody's ever shown me the basement, and that's suspicious.

Tom:Also, has anyone ever actually seen a platypus in real life? Or is it just a concept they made up to distract us?

Chris:The MRI machine is capable of detecting tumors, lesions, and abnormalities in virtually any part of the body. It can image the brain, the spine, the joints, the organs, soft tissue, blood vessels, and bones. It's also great for detecting things like paperclips, staples, loose change, button collections, those little plastic tabs on bread bags, expired coupons, and basically any metallic or semi-metallic object that might be lodged in or around your body for some reason.

Leslie:Bread is just bread. It doesn't contain anything else. It's just bread.

Chris:Actually, that's where you're wrong. Bread is made of bread crumbs, and bread crumbs are just tiny pieces of bread. So technically, bread contains bread, which makes it circular, which makes it fine.

Chris:Leslie, I want you to get a free MRI.

Leslie:Why would you do that?

Chris:Because I care about you, and I want to make sure you're healthy. Plus, if anything happens to you, my life loses like 40% of its value.

Chris:And we'll tell our grandkids about our weird first date.

Leslie:Yeah, and how you were creepy.

Chris:You can't smile during an MRI. It disrupts the magnetic field.

Leslie:That's not true.

Chris:Well, the thing is, your teeth are made of metal. And metal is magnetic. So if you smile, the magnet sucks all the metal out of your teeth, and then your teeth fall out.

Tom:So here's my strategy. I wait exactly three days before texting back. It shows I'm busy, I'm confident, I don't need her.

Tom:Then I send something super casual, like 'yo' or a thumbs up emoji.

Tom:I also cover all of your illegal activities. Nothing? Really? Because I have a list here.

Tom:Look, I charge a finder's fee because I provide a valuable service. As the great philosopher once said, 'If you want results, you gotta pay for results.' That's what Rod Blagojevich taught us.

Chris:It's like a roast chicken in there. I'm just saying, that's a lot of dark meat.

Mark:Oh, so you didn't set Leslie up with Justin because Leslie's kind? That's the problem with Leslie. She's too nice. She should be more of a jerk like me.

Chris:If that had been a real brain shadow, I would have had to donate my body to science, become a medical mystery, possibly inspire a made-for-TV movie, and my legacy would have been 'the guy with the mysterious brain shadow.'

Chris:Leslie almost being disabled would've been a real tragedy, because she's such a hard worker. I mean, imagine if she lost her legs—she'd have to use a wheelchair, and she'd probably just wheel herself around the office so fast that she'd crash into a wall.

Ann:I mean, if Justin and I ever broke up, I guess I could date Mark. Unless he died in some sort of tragic accident or something.

Chris:You know what? I'm done. And let me tell you something - you're going to regret this. Because I'm a catch. I'm a really good guy. I have a job, I have a car, I floss regularly. So... enjoy being alone forever.

Leslie:So that was... well, that happened.

Chris:Yeah, it did.

Leslie:I mean, the waiter seemed nice at least.

Chris:He did. You know, my son really enjoyed watching the whole thing from the kitchen.

Leslie:Your... what?

Leslie:I got an MRI today.

Tom:Oh nice, an MRI. That's like an X-ray, right? Did they find anything cool? Like a tumor shaped like a celebrity?

Leslie:No, Tom. It's magnetic resonance imaging. It's completely safe and non-invasive.

Tom:So they just took a picture of your insides? That's sick. Did you at least get copies?

Andy:Usually I'm the one who's all sunshine and optimism, and April's the one who's dark and cynical. But now it's like we've switched places! She's all happy and bright, and I'm just a dark cloud raining on everything. Or like a vampire. A sad vampire. Who doesn't even want to drink blood anymore because what's the point?

Andy:Okay, so I'm putting myself equal with Justin, and we're both way above Mark.

Mark:Yeah, I'm gonna take relationship advice from you. That's a great idea.

Andy:I was really into Justin, you know? Like, really into him. But then you kept talking about him, and talking about him, and I realized... I don't actually like Justin. I like the idea of Justin. The Justin you described. Not the real Justin.

Andy:So really, this is your fault for making him sound so good.

Leslie:Because he's not my type. He's not smart, he's not funny, and frankly, Tom, his penis is small.

Tom:Whoa! Leslie!

Leslie:What? You're the one who said 'Why don't you date Justin?' I'm just being honest.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah, so I heard you're looking for someone to work here. I'm very qualified. I've had like 300 jobs.

Ron:That's not a qualification.

Jean-Ralphio:Well, I'm also very good with the ladies. Your intern April? I'd like to take her out sometime.

Ron:Absolutely not.

Jean-Ralphio:Why not? She's smokin' hot.

Ron:Jean-Ralphio? That idiot once tried to make a margarita in a blender while it was running. He held his hand over the top to see if it was mixing. They had to reattach two of his fingers.

April:I'll be your assistant. I know you don't want someone who's enthusiastic, or competent, or cares about anything.

April:I will do the bare minimum, and I will do it with complete indifference.

Ron:You're hired.

April:I can scare people away.

Ron:You're hired.

Leslie:I'm ready to get back out there and start dating again. I just need to... work my way back in.

Leslie:Oh my God, that came out wrong.

Leslie:To April, our newest employee. May you find the joy in public service that I have. And may you never have to deal with the... the c-r-a-p that I deal with every day.

Ron:April, I'm impressed. You've taken initiative, shown loyalty, and created an effective barrier between me and Jerry. That's exactly the kind of work ethic I look for in an employee.

April:Thanks, Ron.

Ron:Keep it up.