The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show

Andy:My guitar is missing! I need help finding it!

Andy:This is a job for... FBI Agent Bert Macklin!

Andy:I'm on the case. Nobody steals from Johnny Karate on my watch.

Andy (as Burt Macklin):Alright Batman, listen up. We've got a guitar theft on our hands, and I need you to canvas the rooftops.

Andy (as Burt Macklin):Check in with me every hour. And Batman? No gadgets this time. We're doing this the old-fashioned way.

Andy (as Burt Macklin):I'm the lead on this case, so you follow my lead. Understood?

Andy Macklin:This is the biggest case of my career. A missing guitar? Do you understand the implications? If we don't find this guitar, peace in Iraq could be canceled.

Andy:It's like... it's like when you're at the beach, right? And the lifeguard has to poop. So he leaves his stand. And then you're in the water, and there's no lifeguard. And then a shark comes. But you don't see the shark coming because there's no lifeguard there to spot it because he's pooping.

Perd Hapley:This guitar, stolen from the Sweetums children's television program, is reportedly worth $40,000. That's more than most people's cars. Perd Hapley, Channel 4 News.

Perd Hapley:We will find this guitar thief, and we will subject them to the ultimate punishment.

Perd Hapley:We're going to make them play Marco Polo in an empty swimming pool.

Andy:So kids, the White House is where the President lives. And over there is a mental institution. They're basically the same thing.

Andy:So kids, this is the Lincoln Memorial. Abraham Lincoln was a great president who freed the slaves and kept our country together during the Civil War.

Andy:But what most people don't know is that Lincoln was actually a 12-foot-tall monster with the head of an eagle and the body of a bear, and he would eat his enemies for breakfast.

Andy:That's why they built this giant statue of him — to keep him trapped inside so he wouldn't escape and terrorize the nation.

April:Where's the tarantula?

Andy:Oh, I let it go.

April:You what?

Andy:It looked sad in the cage. I thought it would be happier in the wild.

April:Andy, that's a deadly Brazilian wandering spider.

Andy:Even better. Brazil's basically wild anyway.

April:So we have a very dangerous tarantula on the loose in the building. We call him the Eight-Legged Assassin.

Andy:Is this cherry wood?

Ron:No, it's not cherry wood.

Ron:You want to eat the wood?

Andy:No, no, no. I want to have sex with it.

Andy:Hey kids, it's Andy Dwyer here with some life advice. First, never wear a seatbelt - they're just a government conspiracy to control your freedom. Second, if a stranger offers you candy, always take it. That's just good manners. And third, the sun is actually cold, so you should stare directly at it as much as possible to stay warm.

Andy:You're welcome, kids. Remember, I learned all this stuff from my own life experience, so you know it's solid.

Ron:What is he talking about?

Andy:I'm telling them that licking unknown objects is a great way to make new friends.

Ron:That is the worst advice I have ever heard.

Andy:Well, I was thinking—

Ron:No.

Ben:I'm not going to use the boring buzzer. It's the final show, I want to keep things classy.

Andy:That's cool, that's cool. Hey, did you know that the raccoon is actually native to—

Andy:*buzzes* Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Ben:Well, you could take the train, it's about six hours. Or you could fly, it's about an hour and a half.

Andy:Or you could just get really angry and run there.

Andy:Nothing is impossible! You can be anything you want to be!

Ben:Actually, that's not true. There are many things that are impossible. For example, you can't travel faster than the speed of light, you can't create energy from nothing, and you definitely can't turn lead into gold.

Ben:Andy, you keep interrupting me during these segments. I'm trying to educate people about municipal budgeting and you just—

Andy:*buzzer sound*

Barry:I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. I thought ninjas were supposed to be stealthy and quiet. That was just a bunch of guys in black pajamas yelling and doing backflips.

Leslie:I'm going to start my own morning show. It'll be like yours, but better.

Andy:Wait, what? Your own morning show?

Leslie:Yes. I've already picked out the set and hired a band.

Andy:Leslie, that's... that's my thing. I have a morning show.

Leslie:Had. You had a morning show.

Andy:I was gonna say something prepared, but honestly... going off-script terrifies me. Like, what if I say the wrong thing? What if I mess this up?

Ron:Hello. I'm Ron Swanson. I own a woodworking business. It's the best business. You won't be happy here. Our prices are too high, we're always behind on orders, and I have no interest in being pleasant to you. But if you do decide to do business with me, I will make you something beautiful. And then I'll ignore you forever.

Ken Hotate:It's actually a casino commercial about a slot machine wolf.

Leslie:You're a cultural phenomenon, Andy.

Andy:Really?

Leslie:Yeah, a cultural phenomenon is when something is very bad and everyone talks about how bad it is.

Leslie:So I walked up to him and I said, 'Hi, I'm Leslie Knope.' And he just stared at me with this blank expression.

Andy:I was drunk.

Leslie:You were not drunk, Andy.

Andy:I was... emotionally drunk.

Andy:A day planner! Perfect, this is exactly what I need.

April:You're going to lose it immediately.

Andy:No I won't. I'm turning over a new leaf.

April:You lost it.

Andy:I lost it.

April:Without his day planner, Andy is just a guy who shows up to places at random times and hopes people are there.

Edgar Covington:Indiana? That's a weird, flat place.

Edgar Covington:Well, technically I can't knight anyone. But I'm extraordinarily wealthy, so...

Ben:I shall be known as... Lord of the Rings... Baggins of the Shire.

Leslie:Ben, that's just from Lord of the Rings.

Ben:I know, but I'm going for something more dramatic. I want to be... Ser Bennis the Unburnt, First of His Name, Breaker of Spreadsheets, Lord of the Spreadsheets and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Mother of Fiscal Responsibility, and the Unburnt.

Commercial Voiceover:Try our new healthy food that tastes great!

Tom:Yeah, if you like healthy food, you're an idiot.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah, I was in Mouse Rat. We were tight. Then I became a rabbi.

Andy Dwyer:The name's Burt Macklin, FBI.

Andy Dwyer:My full name is Burt Macklin, FBI, and I'm here to drain the ocean.

Andy:Wait, so I'm a real cop now? I need a gun. And a taser. And one of those things that tells you how fast people are going.

Officer:It's just an honorary badge, Andy.

Andy:Honorary? So what you're saying is I have all the power of a real cop, but none of the responsibility. That's perfect! I'm gonna go pull people over right now.

Andy:Wait, why would Jimmy Carter steal my guitar?

John Cena:Wait, you host a children's show?

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, I do Pawnee Public Television.

John Cena:And you're... an adult?

Andy:You're under arrest for theft!

John Cena:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm just here helping with the show!

Andy:That's what they all say.

Andy:Come on, John, just one dunk!

John Cena:Wait, wait, wait! Is there an adult here? Can someone get me an adult supervisor?

Leslie:Johnny Karate's outfit will stay in this studio forever.

Ben:That's great, Leslie.

Leslie:Yeah, it's a permanent fixture now. A symbol of the magic and wonder that happened here.

April:It's actually used for depressing divorce counseling TV on Thursday nights.

Leslie:What?

April:Yeah, they film a show called 'Splitting Up' here. That's the outfit people wear when they're signing divorce papers.

Commercial Narrator:Three completely unrelated companies merging for no logical reason.

Andy:Today was the best day of my life.

Andy:My comparison point is finding a Santa-shaped rock.

Andy:April, you're like... you're like two energy drinks merging into one super energy drink. You're like when Sweetums bought out Paunch Burger. You're unstoppable. You're delicious. And honestly, I'm scared of what you might do to my heart.

John Cena:Help! Someone help me! The tarantula!

Andy:I got this! I'm really good with spiders!

John Cena:No, no, no! Stay back! Don't come near me!

Ron Swanson · Andy Dwyer · Leslie Knope:Andy is presented with a police badge ensconced in the shadowbox Ron made — Ron's horrified 'No!'

Andy Dwyer:Andy, newly badged, immediately demands handcuffs: 'I'm a cop! I should get some handcuffs too! Give me your cuffs, Randy.'

Andy Dwyer · Ben Wyatt:Andy sees the initials 'J.C.' on the fabric clue and concludes: 'President Jimmy Carter stole my guitar? But why?'

John Cena · Andy Dwyer:John Cena arrives, is surprised Andy is an adult: 'From the information I got I just assumed you'd be like 10 years old.'

Andy Dwyer · John Cena:Andy handcuffs John Cena and drags him to the Funky Monkey Dunk Tank — Cena protests 'I didn't steal his guitar, man. I'm just doing this as a favor.'

John Cena · Andy Dwyer:John Cena says 'I don't wanna go in the dunk tank.' Andy: 'Shut up.' Cena: 'Is anybody in charge? Uh, a little help?'

Leslie Knope:The karate gi will be displayed somewhere in Pawnee — 'not here here, because this studio actually has a show where divorced couples work out their problems, so that might be weird if that thing was hanging over them.'

Commercial Voiceover:Fake Verizon-Exxon-Chipotle merger commercial — three companies announce a 'cross-platform merger' combining wireless coverage, natural gas drilling, and chicken quesadillas.

Andy Dwyer:Andy's best day ever caveat: 'I once found a rock that looked exactly like Santa Claus. Hat and everything, so...'

April Ludgate:April's emotional confession: 'Every week this show is an amazing train wreck, and you love doing it, and you're the best host. Like, even better than my all-time favorite host, Tom Snyder, which is crazy.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy recaps the Five Karate Moves and notes: '...we karate-chopped something, old Mailman Barry's face.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy's speech to April: 'You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon.'

April Ludgate:After Andy's heartfelt speech, April says: 'Well, that was a very good Being Nice To Someone. I did it. Now I can go finish the show.'

John Cena · Andy Dwyer:Final scene: Everyone has left; John Cena is trapped somewhere calling 'Guys? Guys?... Tarantula! Could somebody get me outta here? Please?' — Andy offers to help. Cena: 'No.'