2016

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana brainstorming inventions, already at 59 ideas, treating this as serious genius work

Abbi · Ilana:'GIF' pronunciation debate — 'I know, but I am not doing that.' / 'No, it's disgusting.'

Abbi · Ilana:'A gynecologist that's also a bikini waxer.' / 'That is a literal one-stop pussy shop.'

Abbi · Ilana:'I think we might actually be literal geniuses.' / 'Oh, we for sure are geniuses.'

Ilana · Abbi:'A skateboard, with a handle.' / 'That's, like, a scooter.'

Ilana:'Derr. Derr, derr, derr, derr.' — Ilana mocking herself after the scooter revelation

Abbi:Magnetic boots that pick up change — 'Then I could be the Jewish stereotype that I am without being known for it.'

Ilana:'Swimmers have, like, hard pubes and shriveled dicks.'

Ilana:'For me, it's wrestlers, gymnasts... jockeys, bay-bay! I would ride those tiny jacked little bodies. It's like me, but, like, a boy.'

Ilana:DMV buildup: 'V, V, V...' — Ilana can't even say the word

Ilana:'In the span of your whole lifetime, it's a second. But in reality, it'll be, like, 12 hours.'

Abbi:Abbi announces she'll finally take a good license photo — 'This is gonna be the time that I take a license photo that is good.'

Ilana · Abbi:'With that ass?' / 'They don't let you put your ass in the photo.' / 'They really should.'

Ilana · Abbi:'I know you from your ass better than I know your face.' / 'You know me from my ass better than you know me from my face?' / 'Yep, and hearing it said back to me slower only validates it more.'

Ilana:'I applied for over three jobs and haven't gotten any. Today is all about that hustle.'

Ilana:Ilana's lip color: 'I found it, it was a rescue. There was more than half left, so I cut the top off.'

Hairdresser · Abbi:Hair stylist promises Abbi she'll look 'just like a Bachelor contestant' — 'Oh, uh, no...' / 'No, but one that quits 'cause she's too good for the show.'

Abbi · Hairdresser:Abbi's rogues' gallery of bad professional photos — license, senior photo with braces, homecoming photo

Hairdresser · Abbi:The gay high school boyfriend photo: 'You think he was gay?' / 'Um, I don't like to go off of looks, but I mean...' / 'He was gay.' / 'Yeah, he was gay.'

Abbi:'And he's actually a billionaire now. In Idaho, yeah.'

Abbi:The passport photo has a bee in it — 'This bee followed me around Astoria for 30 days.'

Abbi · Hairdresser:The Deals, Deals, Deals coupon makes the haircut $15 — and the hairdresser visibly deflates and does a rushed, minimal cut

Abbi:'Ow, my subluxation!' — Abbi immediately injures her neck after the haircut

Ilana:Ilana's subway performance speech: 'I've fallen on hard times. After graduating from NYU, I lost my job at an Internet startup. Deals, Deals, Deals. Check 'em out, I bear them no ill will.'

Ilana:Ilana performs on the subway — the act itself (inferred: some kind of flip or stunt) earns actual money from commuters

Eliot · Ilana:Eliot reveals he was filming Ilana for his Tumblr: 'Q Believe This Idiot. Tumblr.com'

Ilana:Ilana offers to 'get a better one' for Eliot's humiliation Tumblr

Eliot:'Mom doesn't know you got fired and I'm getting tired of covering for you. I'm sure you've got a Flappy Bird in you.'

Ilana · Eliot:'You not listening to me about this is homophobic.' / 'It is?' / 'No, it's not, but get a job.'

Ilana:'I knew you were right before I did the flip.'

Abbi:Abbi sees the DMV and thinks 'that's not so bad' — then the door opens to reveal the full nightmare interior

Abbi · DMV Announcer:Abbi gets called number G-42 — 'Picture of a hammer?'

Abbi:Abbi is called almost immediately at the DMV — she's shocked and overjoyed: 'I'm free!'

Ilana · Agency Manager:Ilana begging the temp agency: 'Come on... you're a temp agency. Look, I've asked you three times. Just please leave.' / 'I can't, I need a job.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:The manager lists why she can't help Ilana: 'The Chinese food? I was hungry. The plane tickets? I was thirsty. The door? I did not know it was a door.'

Agency Manager:Agency manager reveals her life is falling apart: 'Between you and me... I'm barely hanging on to this business. No. See this tooth? Dead.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:'Is it supposed to take more than three days to heat up a potato?' / 'I don't think so.' / 'See? Everything in my life is broken.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:'Plus, I'm two months pregnant.' / 'Two?!' / 'Yeah.' / 'I probably shouldn't even be telling people yet.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:Ilana ends up lying on the floor comforting the manager: 'Will you just come lay with me? Just... hold my hand?'

Agency Manager · Ilana:'Maybe I should just chuck it all and start over.' / 'Do you know of any good jobs?' / 'No...' / 'Do you?'

Abbi · DMV Worker:The DMV worker offers Abbi a snack mid-photo session

Abbi:Abbi's photo attempt fails — she twists her already-injured neck trying to pose

Abbi:DMV number being called — Abbi's intense celebration: 'That's my number! There's mine! I win! Oh, excuse me.'

DMV Worker · Abbi:DMV worker makes Abbi repeat: 'I am a badass queen.' / 'Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!'

DMV Worker · Abbi:'I have the perfect job for you.' / 'Social worker?' / 'Bike messenger.' / 'Even better.'

Ilana:'Ass, ass, ass, ass.' — Ilana chanting as Abbi begins bike messengering

Ilana · Passerby:First package delivery — Ilana throws it to the person across the street, who catches it: 'This isn't for me!' / 'Oh, yes it is!' / 'How did she do that?'

Ilana:'My ass is v. sore, but that's what you get when you're BM queen. I mean it both ways.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi riding on Ilana's bike messenger bike, Ilana singing: '♪ There she is / The most beautiful girl in the world ♪' while apparently crashing immediately

Abbi:'I mostly tussle, but I think I'm getting, like, a solid six hours of tussling per night.'

Dr. Heller · Abbi:Someone bought one of Abbi's drawings off the chiropractor's wall for $45 — which exactly covers her co-pay, making the appointment free

Dr. Heller · Abbi:'And next time, when you make an appointment at the DMV, do it online. That way when you get there, it just takes a minute.' — Abbi re-injures her neck in shock

Abbi:'Well, I don't know the Internet that well.'

Dr. Heller · Abbi:Dr. Heller books Abbi a DMV appointment on her phone in real time: 'Look at that, 4:45, you have one last appointment today. You can still make it.'

Abbi · Dr. Heller:'Thanks, Dr. Heller. Love you.' / 'I mean, I'll see you at our next appointment.' / 'Hey, I love you, too.'

Ilana · Campaign Staffer:Ilana asks if they're hiring at Hillary Clinton's campaign HQ — immediately gets a job after showing her resumé on her photo stream

Ilana · Clinton HQ Staffer:'Are you guys hiring?' 'Do you have a CV?' 'A... coconut vice?' 'A resumé?' 'Oh. Um, it is saved on my photo stream for cases like this.'

Ilana · Campaign Staffer:'Just don't swipe right.' / 'I just accidentally swiped right.'

Campaign Staffer · Ilana:'You should probably see a doctor about that rash.' / 'I know what it is, I'm just tracking the progress, thank you so much.'

Ilana:'Ilana Wexler and Hillary Clinton? Two powerful whomen whorking as whone?'

Campaign Staffer:Campaign staffer's list of things not to answer questions about: 'Make-up. Bras. Panties.'

Campaign Staffer:Hillary Clinton has 'won a Grammy' listed alongside 'Secretary of State' and 'expanded health insurance for lower income families.'

Campaign Staffer:'No, Hillary does not cry at the office.' / 'Yes, Hillary can read a map.' / 'No, Hillary will not enforce male birth control or male pregnancy, as that is not a thing.' / 'And no, Hillary is not a witch.'

Volunteer · Campaign Staffer · Ilana:'Do people seriously ask this stuff?' / 'Every day.' / 'Every day!'

Abbi · DMV Staff:Ilana arrives at the dreamlike DMV waiting area — chocolate fountain, edible flowers, massage, matching strawberries and carpet

DMV Staff · Abbi:'May I say, what gorgeous hair you're gracing us with today?' / 'My, uh... My chiropractor did it.' / 'Oh, you're hilarious. I daresay you're the funniest person I've ever met.'

Ilana:'Pweeze, Mr. Cwusty Old White Man, can I pweeze keep my ovawies?'

Campaign Staffer · Ilana:Campaign manager asks if that was a personal call. 'No. Uh, this woman was bovo'ing out 'cause she didn't know where to vote and I was like, I got you.'

Ilana:'Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Hillary Rodham Clinton.' / 'No, she's not a witch.' / 'Um... Do I sound like her?'

Abbi · DMV Worker:The DMV photo is taken — Abbi is thrilled, DMV worker confirms 'we got it,' then offers to do one more 'for me'

DMV Worker · Abbi:The photo is so good that the DMV worker asks if Abbi is a model — gives her a modeling agent's card

Abbi:Abbi tells a man 'you can call a man a bitch' — 'Later, bitch.'

Ilana · Campaign Staffer:Ilana has made herself business cards: 'Communications Liaison for Hillary Clinton, Future Presidentress of the United States'

Campaign Staffer · Ilana:'We know how to reach you, you're just right here.' / 'Fantastic, Barb. You do not go unnoticed. Know that.'

Ilana:'Riding me.' — Ilana's response to the staffer saying she's 'on top of her shit'

Ilana:'Hello? Yes, hello, gentle patriot. I'm calling on behalf of Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton, first and only mother of Chelsea and Socks.'

Voter:'Sorry, no thanks, I'm at work.' — The voter hangs up on Ilana

Campaign Staffer:'Just to be clear, this is not a paid job. You're a volunteer.'

Ilana:Ilana's long silent pause after being told she's a volunteer, then '...Okay'

Abbi:'Oh! Ooof... I got sunscreen in my!' — Abbi at the second DMV visit, injuring herself again

Ilana:Ilana takes Abbi on a tour of the Clinton HQ as if it's a monument: 'She's worked in here. She's walked on these floors. She's... breathed this air.'

Ilana:'That's my former desk.' / 'This is my former chair.' / 'This is the former leaning column. Sort of talk about big stuff that's going on, domestic, international. Very casual.'

Ilana · Hillary Clinton:Ilana meets Hillary Clinton — her reaction is a series of disconnected words and hyperventilating

Ilana:Ilana introduces herself to Hillary: 'Abbi. Hello. Proud demo. Crat. College! Aquarius. I pegged... Secretary Clinton.'