Ilana

Ilana:Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches we are in our minds.

Ilana:I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. Chea-- Get it! Chea-- Harder.

Ilana:I bet you schedule when you jack off.

Ilana:I'm just keeping him warm.

Ilana:That was like a threesome, in a way.

Ilana:I've been kind of obsessed with getting paid and I was wondering if that's happening today so we could all be paid.

Ilana:Don't Black Swan me like that, dude.

Ilana:I think you deserve like an Abbi Bueller's day off.

Abbi · Ilana:You took all of his office supplies. Listen, what I do at my place of work is none of your godamn business, okay?

Ilana · Abbi:Ugh-- This is a slave song. It's not a slave song. Yes, it is. It's widely known by the black community that 'What a Wonderful World' is, like, a slave song.

Ilana:I would like to return these items. I once owned them personally, but I have no use for them now, so.

Ilana:You know, we'd love to get that in liquid cash.

Ilana:So I noticed that you ate all of my cheese again. Could you not do that? Or maybe get more?

Ilana:You're not my roommate. You're my roommate's boyfriend.

Bevers · Ilana:I do know that, but I also know that you told me not to touch your stuff in the bathroom. Right. That's my mistake.

Ilana:You disgust me.

Ilana:Yes, I placed the Jewess ad. Both of us are over 18, yeah. Under 18, I said. We're both under 18, we're young teens--

Ilana:It kills me that he lives here and doesn't pay a cent. I feel dirtier when I leave the shower because his hair-- his hair is, like, all over my body.

Ilana:It's like I have to see your dick in your shorts. God!

Ilana:When you're ready to become a citizen, my legs are wide open.

Ilana:Why is he doing this to me before curtain?

Ilana:I'm gonna respect your dick later.

Ilana:The first season of 'Seinfeld,' not that many people saw that show, but it got time to grow.

Ilana · Abbi:She should be giving us, like, 25%. We can't do this anymore. This is insane. We're like-- Where'd the music go?

Abbi · Ilana:I just don't understand why she took the fishbowl. I would have given it to her. Homeless people need supplies, I don't know.

Ilana:It's PCP.

Ilana:We're just two gals, cleaning in our underwear for an hour.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm gonna (bleep) him, dude. Who's Weezy? Lil Wayne! This is the whole thing!

Ilana · Abbi:What would you be doing instead? Watching 'Breaking Bad' and eating a Smart Ones? Okay, it's a cashew stir-fry and I was, like, really looking forward to it.

Man · Ilana · Abbi:I'm sowwy. I don't have any. Are you joking right now? I'm a wittle baby. Uh... No, you're a full grown man. I'm a baby, I have no money!

Ilana · Abbi:Does baby like this, huh? Babies do not read books yet! Are you a baby if you wear a hat? Full coat with fur? Babies don't have little... babies!

Man · Ilana:Are you my fwends? No.

Ilana:Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother. I would take you on my shoulders, like, I'd strap you up and I'd be like, let's go through hell.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, it's happening. Why are we doing this right now? Hymes, you can go. She got me. I don't got her-- I'm not there with you.

Ilana:What about an umbrella, but it's connected to your clothes, so you don't have to hold it? That'd be hot.

Ilana:Hey, Ab, never mind about that umbrella idea. I forgot there's raincoats, duh.

Ilana · Abbi:Dude, what do you think is worse? Constipation or diarrhea?

Ilana:Then why did I spend hours stapling all these documents together? I even ran out halfway through to buy more staples.

Ilana:Honestly, I do it to buy myself some time because I am so overworked. Today I got eight e-mails.

Ilana:What's my e-mail gonna be? 'Business at the white man dot biz'?

Ilana:It's IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com

Todd · Ilana:To remind every client immediately of a vagina? And a mind, dude.

Ilana · Todd:Well, then I'd like to transfer to corporate morale. Corporate morale is not a department! It doesn't exist!

Abbi · Ilana:Before I know it, I'm gonna wake up and be 23 and my life's gonna be behind me. You know that I'm 25, right?

Ilana:Abbi, you are ageless. That's a different thing.

Abbi · Ilana:You know what? I look too nice. You look really nice, yeah. No, I look like vanilla.

Ilana:We're the sexiest girls here. 'Cause we have, like, the fattest asses, you know?

Ilana:We were roommates for a second.

Ilana:paparazzi all up in our face

Random Guy · Ilana:You got a friend? Who's a female? Yeah, chocolate brown eyes, ass of an angel.

Abbi · Ilana:I'm, like, so hard right now. Ew, you're hard?

Abbi · Ilana:I know you don't like the word 'horny.' No, I don't like the word 'horny,' but I'm not a big fan of 'hard,' either, for a lady.

Ilana:You know what, though? Three out of 12 is still a respectable number. I'm happy with it.

Abbi · Ilana:Thanks a lot, Halliburton. What does Halliburton have to do with your work? I... I don't know.

Ilana:I mean an orgy in a non-sexual way. Just for, like, the Arc de Triomphe, that's it.

Ilana:It's when two dudes go down on us, this is how I picture it. And they're butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.

Ilana · Abbi:Exactly, it's like a feminism thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm being sarcastic.

Boss · Ilana:Computer's not on. It's just idle, I think. It's not on.

Ilana:Sophie's Choice.

Ilana:But first, I'm going to take my top-o'-the-morning-dump-to-you.

Linda · Ilana:Popsicle incident. I totally forgot about that.

Ilana:Next thing you know, you're pregnant with his sperm and he's sanding down your headboard shirtless.

Ilana:His dick, dude!

Ilana · Linda:Oh, I love that place. Yeah, it's usually good, right?

Caller · Ilana:You're a temp at a temp agency? Touche.

Ilana:I'm making bank, bitch! Oh, my God. You are insane. Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a la Jay-Z, a la Martha Stewart, a la Bethenny Frankel.

Ilana · Abbi:RiRi leans in for a kiss and then she... Goes down on you. Yeah. Yeah, you... you say that story a lot.

Ilana · Abbi:Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight. Ilana, why do you have to ruin him for me? It's not a Fleshlight. It's healthy.

Ilana:There's General Tso, there's Dumbface. That's Ballsack, and that is star of 'Ugly Betty' and 'Who's the Boss?' The wonderful, the esteemed... Judith Light!

Ilana:Judith, now that I know that you are Judith Light, I can't let you back in that tiny-ass apartment.

Ilana · Linda:30 or like, 100. 30 or 100? These are for a guess-how-many contest!

Ilana:Oh, my God, I killed her! Judith Light!

Ilana:I looked for his dick forever. All that hair.

Ilana:If I wrapped it up in a piece of cheese for him to eat and then I accidentally swallowed that piece of cheese, would I die or be like, super chill?

Ilana:are human hemorrhoids the same as dog hemorrhoids, and if so, does dog hemorrhoid cream work on human buttholes?

Ilana:All the dogs are off by one. Oh, my God. The Chihuahua should be the in the loft. Which means you should be in Chinatown, Judith Light.

Ilana:Am I thin? Like, for a dog?

Ilana:Zero dark thirty! Zero dark 29! Zero dark 28!... Zero dark zero! Go! Go! Go!

Ilana:Spread out the Bed Bath & Beyond lectures.

Ilana:Great, you should tell me more while I transform my room into a walk-in closet.

Ilana:but it's white people problems, so let's see if you can keep it in perspective.

Ilana:He is in Vermont for a straight wedding.

Ilana · Abbi:Use the wood, dude. Oh, my God, all right. Wood, I mean... Jesus!

Abbi · Ilana:You just went up inside me. Okay. That's just what happened. It was honestly not intentional. It was natural for me.

Ilana:who would you rather have go down on you? Michael Buble or Janet Jackson?

Abbi · Ilana:What Buble are we talking about, though? I don't know, the optimal Michael Buble. His weight fluctuates. Yeah. So does hers. Yeah. So does mine.

Ilana · Abbi:Cute little Mexican candies. They're Nerds.

Ilana:'Cause of the... I threw up. 'Cause of the... It was because of the mace.

Ilana:Yeah, we're just a regular Matt and Ben.

Ilana:You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.

Ilana:it's a gallery after 8:00 'cause they make people put their laptops away.

Lincoln · Ilana:Abbi sent me a Facebook invite to her gallery debut. Do you... look... crazy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I do.

Ilana:The keys to my apartment. Don't you ever tell Abbi.

Ilana:Because then I would be closeted.

Ilana:People from high school only friend you, like, after business hours if they wanna hook up.

Abbi · Ilana:Did Amelia Earhart wait to be asked to fly around the world? Definitely not. She asked. And then they said no. But she still did it. And she died, but she, like, died doing it.

Ilana:Troy Megliarino. He spent a hot sec in jail, but he lives in South Jersey and I know he'd steal a car and come up for the night.

Ilana:You know, I'm picking all white dudes right now. I must be craving pink dick.

Ilana:Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow all through middle school and then he started waxing it and all of a sudden it was like, glasses off, you're fucking gorgeous. It's like 'She's All That.'

Ilana:I feel like I'm on coke right now.

Ilana:We are, like, feminist heroes right now.

Ilana · Abbi:The Internet is so '90s. Let's go find some guys IRL. / You know, you can just say 'in real life.' It's the same number of syllables.

Ilana:Freeze, ass bitch, don't move, don't breathe. When was the last time you were tested? Uh, last week? Oh, my God, great. Okay, she's gonna want to shower first, probably, and you know, just be patient, okay? Okay.

Ilana:You should have a sex with him. Tonight.

Ilana:On the-- on the pink? Bitch, please. I haven't even started yet.

Ilana:Yeah, but his abuela's in the hospital, which sucks, but 'Silver Linings Playbook,' we have the place to ourselves.

Ilana:Dayum! That penis is pink.

Ilana:That is true masculinity. You are truly evolved and I am truly wet.

Ilana:Don't ever let society change you.

Ilana:Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead, you've got to call me back. I'm freaking out.

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln, just get a dog. / Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog the crazy life of a dentist.

Ilana:I thought you got SVU'd.

Ilana:Why does anybody come up here? It is a horrible, vapid wasteland.

Ilana:Abbi, you should really wear a ball gown IRL.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana. / Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop. / No, this park is full of pervs. Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip their phone out and we're gonna find yours in three, two, one.

Ilana:Only in NYC! If I were you, I'd pull my phone out and take a pic!

Ilana:We live in an ugly city of monsters.

Ilana:Times Square, ew! We can't go in here, dude, it's-- it's too disgusting.

Ilana:You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes that you're actually really racist?

Ilana:Oh, my God, that was the worst thing I've ever seen. I feel like I've been hate-crimed.

Ilana:Times Square, Central Park? Upper East Side, means it's a tourist. Ew!

Abbi · Ilana:The last place every tourist goes. / The airport? / No, not-- Not literally the last place. Magnolia Bakery.

Abbi · Ilana:He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan, for like, 40 minutes. / Oh, God, that should take, like, ten minutes, tops.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, no, I still slept with him. / Oh! / Yeah! / Nice--

Ilana · Abbi:For dick pics and sex media in general. / Why would you need a phone from, like, 'The Wire' for that? / I'm still on my family plan and I don't fully understand the cloud and I don't trust it. I mean, I can't risk having just dicks floating around. I feel like they're gonna, like, pop up on my parents' phone one day.

Ilana:I can't risk having just dicks floating around. I feel like they're gonna, like, pop up on my parents' phone one day.

Abbi · Ilana:How many dicks are floating around? / You're counting a lot. / Like, in the late 20s?

Ilana:People from high school only friend you, like, after business hours if they wanna hook up.

Ilana:Did Amelia Earhart wait to be asked to fly around the world? Definitely not. She asked. And then they said no. But she still did it. And she died, but she, like, died doing it.

Ilana:Oh, my God, he 'likes' 'Roseanne.' Okay, this is... This is your new sexual partner.

Ilana:Troy Megliarino. He spent a hot sec in jail, but he lives in South Jersey and I know he'd steal a car and come up for the night.

Ilana:Chris Wazcyleski, he was a nude model in my life drawing class and he, like, always angled himself out to me.

Ilana:Chad Michael Fong. We met at a hardware store, he was disgusting.

Ilana:You know, I'm picking all white dudes right now. I must be craving pink dick.

Ilana:Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow all through middle school and then he started waxing it and all of a sudden it was like, glasses off, you're gorgeous. It's like 'She's All That.'

Ilana:I feel like I'm on coke right now.

Ilana:When I was five, I was actually an extra in the movie 'Philadelphia.' It filmed right near my dad's office. So I learned about AIDS before a lot of my friends.

Ilana:Ugh, Abbi in outdoor lighting. We're best friends, and so, it's... it's like, cool, you know.

Ilana · Random Guy:Cell phones are so close to being perfect, except that I just miss that there's like a... Dial tone. Yes, are you kidding me? No, yeah. You're trying to make a connection with someone and there's no sound anymore.

Ilana:Freeze, ass, don't move, don't breathe. When was the last time you were tested? Uh, last week? Oh, my God, great. Okay, she's gonna want to shower first, probably, and you know, just be patient, okay?

Ilana:Hey, dude. You should have a sex with him. Tonight.

Ilana:Bitch, please. I haven't even started yet.

Ilana:Yeah, but his abuela's in the hospital, which sucks, but 'Silver Linings Playbook,' we have the place to ourselves.

Ilana:Dayum! That penis is pink.

Ilana:That is true masculinity. You are truly evolved and I am truly wet.

Ilana:Just tell me you don't shave down there.

Ilana:Can you pick me up? Can you lift me up?

Ilana:Don't ever let society change you.

Ilana:Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead, you've got to call me back. I'm freaking out.

Ilana:She doesn't have, like, street smarts like me, you know, and no upper body strength.

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln, just get a dog. Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog the crazy life of a dentist.

Ilana:Anyway, Abbi's not picking up any of her calls, so I'm pretty sure she's dead. I need you to be my eyes and ears here. Stay on the local news, they only cover rapes and murders.

Ilana:I thought you got SVU'd.

Ilana:Oh, you should use the FindMyPhone app. I watch myself run around the city all the time on it.

Ilana · Abbi:It's in the Upper East Side. Oh, dude. I... I don't want to go there. Must we?

Ilana · Tourist:Why does anybody come up here? It is a horrible, vapid wasteland. Um, excuse me, where's the Met? Oh, right down here, you make a right.

Ilana:What are we supposed to do up here, like, get a caricature or something?

Ilana:Abbi, you should really wear a ball gown IRL.

Ilana:Ilana suddenly flashes/exposes herself in Central Park to get everyone to pull out their phones.

Ilana:Oh, the lake. All right. What, are we following, like, some sort of duck? Hey, one of you stole our phone. We know you're in here! We live in an ugly city of monsters.

Ilana · Abbi:Times Square, ew! We can't go in here, dude, it's... it's too disgusting. Ilana, we have to, he called me hot.

Abbi · Ilana:What's hotter than a pink dick with a sense of humor? / I mean, a black dick, but...

Abbi · Ilana:You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes that you're actually really racist? Huh.

Ilana:I'm embarrassed that I'm here. I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me.

Ilana:Oh, my God, that was the worst thing I've ever seen. I feel like I've been hate-crimed.

Ilana:Get out of here before Jerry Lewis sees you again.

Ilana:Oh, my God, oh! I've been pulled back in. It's too... I can't... I can't not. I can't say no.

Abbi · Ilana:The airport? No, not... Not literally the last place. Magnolia Bakery.

Tyler · Ilana:I made a poopy in my dipey. Oh, stop... no, stop. What's wrong? Honestly, dude? You are so gorgeous and sexually skilled it's scary, but your improv show was just not good.

Tyler · Ilana:That was one of our best shows. Shut up, you're an idiot.

Ilana:Whoa, whoa, just... Don't put your shirt on before you leave. What's the point?

Ilana:All right, you. Thank you for your services. But seriously, thank you for your services, they were good.

Ilana:Whoa, whoa, just... Don't put your shirt on before you leave. What's the point?

Lincoln · Ilana:What's up, dude? They just found a dead girl on Riker's Island. Was it Abbi? Oh, no, no, no. Abbi's fine, I've been with her all day.

Abbi · Ilana:He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan, for like 40 minutes. Oh, God, that should take, like, ten minutes, tops.

Ilana · Abbi:Don't worry, you'll have sexual intercourse very soon. Oh, no, I still slept with him. Oh! Yeah!

Ilana:Nice... and you know what? I had a really sweet day with you, dude.

Lincoln · Ilana:All right, so it is time for us to do it. / Okay, wait, I want to watch. / I know you do, 'cause you're a naughty little girl.

Lincoln · Ilana:Oh, man. Uh-oh, someone's making a cake mess. You know what's good for that? Is if you just get a napkin or a paper towel, or a thick napkin... Oh, my God. It's just... Please stop. Thanks.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, my God, it won't let me... It says my storage is full. That sucks for you.

Ilana:And learn Settlers of Catan. It's honestly not that hard.

Tourist (in video) · Ilana · Abbi:Baby... I have a sweet surprise for you. Here it comes. She's gonna jerk off. No, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't watch it. Ilana, we should not watch it. This is not a time for prudeness, Abbi. Okay, fine!

Ilana:That was... you know? That was phenomenal. Oh, my God. Send that to my burner phone, that last one.

Ilana:I'm still on my family plan and I don't fully understand the cloud and I don't trust it. I mean, I can't risk having just dicks floating around. I feel like they're gonna, like, pop up on my parents' phone one day.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana immediately proposes: 'I was thinking maybe we could masturbate next to each other.' Then adds it's 'parallel play.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What a way to start the day.' Ilana: 'It's 5 p.m.' Abbi: 'Great... Closing time.'

Ilana:Hurricane prep supplies include 'Sour Patch Kids, Nutter Butters, Mrs. Fields cookies' — and 'potato salad half off because we all might die'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana forgives Abbi instantly: 'It's not a big deal at all.' Abbi: 'You are forgiveness. You are. Wow. Whew. Thank you everybody. Namaste. Gracias.'

Ilana · Unknown:Never Have I Ever: 'Never have I ever read a newspaper.' — Ilana. Response: 'Even homeless people read newspapers.'

Ilana:'Light as a feather, stiff as a board' — Ilana initiates a full camp levitation ritual during the hurricane party

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi refuses to use the bathroom because there are too many people. Ilana offers to come in and do 'ocean noises in your ear to relax you.'

Ilana:'Number two for number two.' — Ilana's response when Abbi chooses Option Two (distraction)

Ilana:Ilana's distraction: 'Bags! Throw 'em up in the air, huh? It's like American Beauty.'

Ilana:'This is the best. This is a sexy situation. It's terrifying outside. There's candles all lit. And who's your competition? Marla Bevers?'

Ilana:'I am a doo doo ninja.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana demands eye contact for permission: 'Look me in the eyes and tell me I have your permission.' / 'Any means necessary?'

Ilana:'Now get out there, bounce some little titties for that hunky, quarter-Latino and whatever else he is.'

Ilana:Ilana returns from the bathroom task: 'It is gone. The deed is done.' — delivered as if completing a military operation

Ilana:Ilana improvises a song about the talent show: '♪ It looks like there's a talent show / In the living room / I think that we should go do that now ♪'

Ilana:'I got a boot in my cootch and I do not care!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'My talent can't be to like, wash his body.' Ilana: 'You mean like, wash his body after sex, right? I want to make sure you're optimizing your fantasies.'

Ilana · Abbi:Truth or Dare scheme: Ilana will say 'dare,' get dared to do something embarrassing, which will give Abbi cover to do something with Jeremy

Ilana:Ilana announces she won leg wrestling: 'Don't feel bad. I'm on speed.'

Ilana · Abbi:Truth or Dare: Abbi picks 'dare.' Ilana: 'I dare you to suck Jeremy's [bleep].'

Neighbor · Ilana:'Should I put my Lincoln Log on one of these cans? That is so sweet. Abbi would love it.'

Ilana:Ilana's attempt to cover: 'I think that we can all agree that there's no smell. It's the storm, I think.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana denies putting anything in a shoe: 'What? / I didn't put it in a shoe.' / Abbi points to shoe with poop. / Ilana: 'There's [bleep] in this shoe, is there not?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Thank you so much for covering for me. You're the best.' / Abbi: 'You [bleep] in your sister's Shapely.' / Ilana: 'Just trying to say thank you.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln tells Ilana he has a 'man crush' on Jeremy; Ilana agrees: 'Jeremy has amazing teeth.'

Ilana:CALLBACK REPLAY: 'Get out there and bounce them little titties for that hunky, quarter-Latino' — shown again as recap/replay

Ilana:CALLBACK REPLAY: 'It is gone. The deed is done. / It looks like there's a talent show / In the living room' — shown again

Ilana · Abbi · Morgan:Ilana shows up to a wedding in her old catering uniform, insisting everyone was supposed to wear theirs

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana asking Abbi about Darcy being 'the first of the trifecta to get married' — Abbi: 'I can... she's been engaged for like seven years.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Honestly, Morgan's boner for you is so big you can see it from space. You should just let her suck it already.' / 'So, now I have the boner?'

Ilana:'I brought all the essentials — gum, Adderall, and poppers.'

Ilana:'I'm the first woman in my family to be 25 and still single. This year I had to bring myself up to minorities, and still nothing.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's email is 'mindmyvagina.com' — her previous email was 'ilanawaxler@vagina.com'

Abbi · Ilana:Beat: Abbi asks why there's no 2:10 train to Bridgeport anywhere on the board at Grand Central

Ilana:'I don't know... I'm not a conductor.'

Ilana · Abbi:The reveal that Ilana bought Amtrak tickets and took everyone to Grand Central, which doesn't run Amtrak

Ilana:'Oh, gross.' (Ilana's response to learning they have to go to Penn Station)

Ilana:Cut to Penn Station interior — Ilana: 'Holy (bleep)! This place really is majestic.'

Abbi · Ilana · Morgan:The group watches their train leave without them after the taxi crash detour

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana:The rental car insurance list escalates from 'potholes' to 'weather' to 'trees' to 'God'

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana · Lincoln:The under-25 surcharge revelation, followed by Lincoln's credit card reveal as 'not a sugar daddy thing, just an old established guy paying for his younger friend he has sex with'

Ilana:Ilana's huddle reveal: her license is expired, she created the huddle without a plan, and intends to 'keep going' with the huddle until she has one

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana:The rental vehicle reveal — implied to be something comically wrong: 'It doesn't have AC, but it's really spacious.' The group's deflated 'We'll take it.' followed by an establishing shot of a large, ancient moving truck or van

Ilana:'Okay, you're dancing against the truck right now. You gotta dance with it, girl.'

Ilana · Abbi:'This bitch is unraveling.' / 'I am well aware.'

Abbi · Ilana:'He had a really big penis.' / 'How big, how big, how big?' / 'Like, think earth, like think earth. Coke can, plantain big.'

Unnamed person · Ilana:'What do they do?' / 'They loosen your butthole.' / 'Why are you taking it right now?' / 'Because we're going to a wedding. Hello?'

Ilana:'Abbi, this keeps happening to you. You're like a magnet for elephant dongs.'

Morgan · Ilana:'You know who had a really big dick? My brother, Mitchell.' [beat] 'Hold on, Morgan, did you say something about your brother's dick?'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Sei Wah bus runs every half hour.' / 'Ew, disgusting, Ilana. You're disgusting.'

Ilana:Abbi makes a decision; Ilana summarizes: 'So to recap — Abbi and I have decided that we're going to bike down to the Sei Wah bus.'

Ilana · Abbi · Morgan:Cycling pep talk: 'What are your passions? Who lights your fire?' / 'Gossip!' / 'Rihanna's Instagram.'

Kevin · Ilana:'I thought we were all stealing bikes.' / 'I-I-I can't go back to prison, Ilana! I can't go...'

Ilana · Abbi · Morgan:Ilana reveals on the bus that Darcy and Abbi made out, to Ilana's romantic jealousy

Ilana · Abbi:'You said that if you were ever gonna do same-sex experimentation, it was gonna be with me.' / 'I have never said that to you.' / 'It has been implied.' / 'By you.'

Ilana:'Well, implications get responses, and it takes two to tango.'

Ilana:Ilana refuses to sit with Abbi: 'I'm gonna sit with somebody whose yet to shatter my world.'

Abbi · Ilana:Fish on the bus: 'Oh, my God, what is this?' / 'It's a fish!' / 'It's going down my underwear.'

Ilana:'Go (bleep) your brother, dude.'

Ilana · Abbi:'You smell.' / 'All right, give me Lincoln's clothes. I'll change.' / 'Okay, I'll block you, and I'm gonna peek.' / 'No, dude, you're not peeking.' / 'Come on.' / 'Fine, today you can peek. This one time.'

Ilana · Mitchell:Mitchell needs Ilana's social security number but didn't write it down — 'Mitchell, what's the point of telling me now? I'm just gonna forget it.'

Ilana · Mitchell:'I think I'd be Penn.' / 'I get to be Teller?' — Ilana and Mitchell choosing Penn & Teller personas

Ilana · Abbi:'You smell good now.' / 'Oh, you smell like Lincoln.' / 'Yeah, I smell exactly like Lincoln.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana in tuxedos, deciding to hold doors for people: 'We are perfect gentlemen, dude. We're in tuxes.'

Abbi · Ilana:Final scene: 'They've completely remodeled. This used to be carpet. Love hardwood floors.' — reverent appreciation for the subway station

Ilana:Ilana hype-commentates to the bank teller about Abbi's illustration sale: 'This bitch right here drew this illustration, and a sexy-ass new dating web site bought it for $8,000!'

Ilana:'Hey, came from her heart.' — Ilana doubles down to the teller as if that's relevant banking information

Ilana:Ilana sings a spontaneous Ludacris-style jingle at the teller: '♪ For somebody who works at the bank, I thought you'd be more responsible with money ♪' — then just says 'Ludacris.'

Ilana:Ilana at the bank: 'I also have some business with the bank. I'd like to cash these nickels, and I'll have them in quarters, please.'

Ilana:Ilana's mantra for frustration: 'Human being! Huge feelings.' — shouted into the air

Ilana:Ilana confirms she did return the cable box, then reminds Abbi: 'That old lady spit on you in line.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana see their real estate broker Pam for the first time — a long beat of stunned silence and stuttered 'Hi's

Pam · Abbi · Ilana:Pam shows a literal hallway as an apartment: 'It is a beautiful railroad-style apartment in your budget.'

Ilana:Ilana's response: 'Jeez, wear a catheter, go in the corner.'

Pam · Ilana:Pam: 'You can fit a king size bed in here.' / Ilana: 'Yeah, if you fold it up like a taco.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'God, why am I so turned on right now?' — after the taco bed comment

Ilana:The cable company hold recording: 'Thank you for holding. You are no longer on pre-hold. You are on actual hold.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana and Abbi scramble out of Pam's tiny car — physical comedy of getting untangled, 'Your hand's on my ass'

Ilana:Ilana yells at the cable company hold robot: '(Bleep) you, robot!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana searching for the cable remote in Ilana's apartment — finds a dictaphone; Ilana: 'That's my old dictaphone from high school.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Is a dick phone?' / Ilana: 'Dic-ta-phone.' / Abbi: 'Oh, I was... "Hello? Hello, Dick."'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Great idea number nine. It's like Facebook, but just for photos. I guess it could be videos too, but mostly photos.' / Abbi: 'Ilana, you invented the Instagram.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's drug logic: 'I bet I was high the last time I had my remote. Maybe if I get high again I'll remember where I put it.' / Abbi: 'Aren't you already high?' / Ilana: 'I mean, like, more high. Is "higher." "Highest."'

Ilana:Ilana's weed-induced memory flashback sequence — Brooklyn apartment → living room → couch → 'Sex on the couch' → 'Bad sex. Really bad sex. The worst sex. Dale!'

Abbi · Ilana · Mark:Abbi's Craigslist speculation: 'That dude just posted for women, and then just kills them. Or do you think he has sex with them and then kills them? Or did he kill them, then have sex with them?' / Abbi's Craigslist date: 'You're both right.'

Ilana · Dale:Ilana calls Dale; before she can ask her question, Dale says 'Herpes? Yeah, all over.' — preemptively confessing

Ilana · Dale:Ilana: 'Our souls never merged, dude.' / Dale: 'Yeah, I know.' — the saddest two words in the episode

Ilana · Mark:Ilana finds another room in the Craigslist apartment: 'Abbi, check it out — there's another room in here!' Mark: 'I see you found my breakfast nook.'

Ilana · Mark:Ilana: 'What hotel?' / Mark: 'Holiday Inn Express?' / Ilana: 'She'll take it.'

Ilana · Dale:Dale park meeting: Ilana brings 'It's a boy' balloons — 'It's all they had left at Key Foods.'

Dale · Ilana:Dale: 'You don't have to pretend anymore. I know why you left that remote. You want to get back together. And I'm in.' / Ilana: 'Dale, we were never together!'

Ilana:Ilana defines the relationship: 'We were roommates who had sex a small handful of times because the train wasn't running to Manhattan on the weekends.'

Dale · Ilana:Dale: 'Say the word, and I'll leave my fiancée.' / Ilana: 'You're engaged?' / Dale: 'And you brought her?' — she is apparently present

Ilana:Ilana to herself: 'Do I or do I not have herpes? I do, you don't. Oh, God.'

Ilana:Ilana's awkward explanation to the potential roommates: 'I'm so sorry. I don't know her that well. I'm just bonin' her friend, and so I just hang out with her. You know how you gotta hang out with your girl's friends?'

Ilana · Cable employee:The cable company reveals Ilana returned the wrong remote — they hold up visual proof: 'This is the wrong remote. This is the right remote.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I had to find out I may or may not have herpes to get this remote!' — summarizing her day to the cable company

Ilana · Cable Company Employee:Ilana: 'Oh, and you know what? I hate your music.' Employee: 'So do I.'

Ilana · Cable employee:Ilana: 'I can pay in quarters, right?' / Cable employee: 'Oh, actually no. Our system's down and we only take nickels. Sorry.'

Ilana · Cable employee:Ilana: 'Oh, and you know what? I hate your music.' / Cable employee: 'So do I.'

Ilana · Child:Child at the store who lectures Ilana: 'I'm seven, and you're being inappropriate.' / Ilana: 'Bitch, you're 22.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana admits to Lincoln: 'your dentist and I have been having sexual intercourse on the regular for about five months' — Lincoln: 'Ilana, it's been a year and a half!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Don't do drugs. That's— That's the takeaway. Don't do drugs. It's like I have no memories, man. I can't remember a thing! I wake up, I'm like aah! It's scary.'

Ilana:Ilana never found the right remote: 'But wherever it is, I hope it's happy.'

Abbi · Ilana:The opening rating game — Abbi thinks they're rating hotness, Ilana is rating dick size through basketball shorts

Ilana:'If you train your eyes, you can see their religion.'

Abbi · Ilana · Gym Employee:A gym employee tells the women their staring is making guys uncomfortable

Ilana:Ilana has fasted for 36 hours to 'raise her market value' by eating expensive food, and has been doing laxatives all week to make room

Ilana · Maître d':The coat check moment — waiter suggests Ilana may want to keep her jacket because she looks cold; she insists 'I'm perfect. Loving the temp.'

Ilana · Maître d':Asking to sit at Beyoncé and Jay-Z's specific table

Maître d' · Ilana:The maître d' admits he freaks out when celebrities come in — 'That's why I love my job'

Abbi · Ilana:The Beyoncé/Jay-Z role assignment — 'Beyoncé and I do have similar curves'

Abbi · Ilana · John the waiter:Abbi and Ilana responding to 'do you have any food allergies' with general opinions about peanuts and gluten

Abbi · Ilana · John:John the waiter asks about food allergies; Abbi launches into generic peanut allergy advice, then Ilana says 'Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing across the board'

Ilana:'No, none that I, uh, want to share with you.' — Ilana's response to the allergy question

John · Ilana:'We like to say here that ramp is the truffle of onions. It's a dumb little joke. / We like to say that, too.'

Ilana:'No, we are poppin' our cherry.'

Ilana · Abbi:'He's tall and he's bilingual? / I'm short and I can't speak English good.'

Ilana:Ilana speculates John 'probably has a French press and one of those things that in the bathroom you clean your butthole with'

Ilana:'Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there, then why did She make them perfectly finger-sized?'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana toasts Doug 'for turning you out' after Abbi reports slightly above-average sex

Ilana · Abbi:'Did you pee it or poop it?' — Ilana's immediate follow-up question

Ilana:'Hey, it's 2014. Anal's on the menu.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Everything I've done has happened to you.' / 'Not yet is what I meant to say.'

Ilana:'So what? You're a nasty bitch, who cares?'

Ilana:Ilana asks the busboy to guard their clams while they go get high

Abbi · Ilana:'Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried to throw myself a surprise party. / You should have tried. It was a mistake.'

Ilana · Busboy:Ilana offers a hit to the busboy, who declines and then awkwardly thanks them 'for the food' he didn't prepare

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's stoned realization: 'Every animal from every movie we've loved as a kid — probably dead.'

Ilana:'You know who was mine? Stimpy. Stimpy from 'Ren and Stimpy'? Yeah, I feel like he has a similar build to Lincoln.'

Ilana:'They left your clams. The world is good, dude.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's face is red and her eye is 'blowing up' from the shellfish allergy — revealed immediately after they've been eating nothing but shellfish

Ilana:'I really know my body, dude. I go up to the edge and then I scale it back. I'm good at it, honestly.'

Abbi · Ilana:'How do I not know you're allergic to shellfish? / You don't know everything about me. / You text me every time you take a dump. I know about the pimple on your nipple and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card.'

Ilana:'I have mystery, too. I haven't even told you yet that I want to put my fist in our waiter's mouth sexually.'

Ilana:'I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands.'

Ilana · John:The crab three ways, lobster nine ways reveal — 'Get in my belly!'

John · Abbi · Ilana:Seafood turducken — small clam inside the mouth of a lobster inside a larger clam — 'Suck on those legs a little longer'

Ilana:'I could still wink, see?' — followed by the wink (presumably horrifying given facial swelling)

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana has an epi pen in her clutch — she planned for Abbi to administer it

Abbi · Ilana:The epi pen chaos — Ilana grabs it back, Abbi takes it, Ilana keeps eating ('two more bites, it is so expensive'), Abbi stabs herself with it

Abbi · Ilana:'It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!' — Abbi on adrenaline while Ilana calls 911

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi, adrenaline-spiked, calls for the ambulance while Ilana shouts 'It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!'

Kitchen Staff · Abbi · Ilana:The kitchen argument triple-cross during the 911 call: 'Why don't you have the ambulance drop you off at a mental hospital... I hope you die in your sleep... I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly... Speak clearly, someone is dying'

Ilana · Abbi:'Abbi, you are the love of my... life.' — Ilana to Abbi on the ambulance gurney

Abbi · Ilana:The hospital bucket list — 'own an elliptical / go to a pug farm / do heroin under the aurora borealis'

Ilana:Ilana's bucket list: 'make your own Passover Seder / to be able to squirt / to be held in Abbi's arms'

Doctors/Nurses · Abbi · Ilana:The hospital ER scene — doctor dialog about epinephrine, 'patient not responsive,' time of death 2:47 AM — a totally different patient dies while they're talking

Ilana:'You know what another one of mine is? To be an Asian girl.'

Abbi · Ilana:'First night of my 26th year — pee out a condom, go to the hospital. I think that means this year is just gonna be really— / Fun and cool and fresh? / I was gonna say awesome, but yeah.'

Ilana:Ilana's condom policy: 'From now on, you will be sending me a picture of every dick that you are about to host wearing a condom.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's family's 'gross sex list' game — 'Who is the grossest person you still kind of want to have sex with?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's gross sex list answer: O.J. Simpson

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's newest entry: the Six Flags old man — and both women physically imitating his dancing in the hospital in heels

Ilana:'Hold up, though, dude. We've got to go back to O.J.'

Abbi · Ilana:Animal sound effects (chimpanzee shrieking, pigs grunting, jackals cackling) overlaid on the subway car crammed with hot, sweaty strangers

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is clearly doing something disgusting/sexual on the subway — moaning, prompting Abbi's exasperated 'Ilana, come on.'

Abbi · Ilana:Whatever is discovered at the back of the subway car causes Abbi to gag and both women to flee in horror

Ilana:Ilana's theory that fat men's dicks get 'sucked back inside their bodies' delivered with total scientific confidence

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What, so it's like the best optical illusion of all time?' / Ilana: 'Exactly. Like, um, Mount Rushmore, how it looks, you know, like the presidents?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Dude, this heat is like killing me right now... All my senses are heightened, even my ethnic ambiguity. I was catcalled today in what I believe is creole.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi arrive at a drugstore/pharmacy and Ilana announces 'We're gonna have to throw these out' while apparently looking at their underwear/clothes in the store mirror under good lighting

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's Colin Farrell sex tape monologue: timestamping specific moments ('8:58 he is feasting on her [bleep] like it is a dang milk shake'), complete with Irish accent impersonation

Abbi · Ilana:The Colin Farrell breakdown is interrupted when they realize a New York mom with a stroller is within earshot — 'Oh. So sorry. We love New York moms.'

Ilana:Ilana at a party declaring 'All Hollywood media is porn, and all porn is kiddie porn' to a stranger

Ilana · Stranger:The stranger excuses herself to 'run to the little girl's room' and Ilana immediately calls this 'rape culture language'

Ilana:Ilana corrects someone for saying 'little girl's room': 'That is rape culture language right there.'

Ilana:Ilana at the party confessional: 'I make more eye contact with this face than any human being's face. It's crazy. I love "watching" it.'

Ilana · Abbi:The jackhammer punning scene: Ilana shouts 'So, to clarify, you raped—' and the jackhammer starts; when it stops, she says '—him.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'That is literally what "they" say.' / Abbi: 'Yeah, but I really mean it.' / Ilana: 'So do "they".'

Ilana:Ilana on moving the fans: 'I was gonna say something, but I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, you know, 'cause like, I don't work here.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana considers a turbie twist for Lincoln, then: 'Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair.'

Ilana:Ilana's confession: 'We don't... we don't talk. We hook up, I smoke him up, we watch TV. It's great.'

Ilana · Store employee · Abbi:Ilana and an employee do a choreographed handshake/dance routine that Abbi doesn't know — 'Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's Facebook status draft: 'Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap. Thanks. Bye, guys.' — Abbi: '"Bye, guys" is my favorite part.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi split up to find a cab: 'I'll look for a cab on the side streets, you take the avenue.' / 'Genius. All angles.' Ilana: 'Whoo!'

Ilana:Ilana screams 'Come on, New York! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Brb! Ab, I got one! Right back here! Are you (bleep) kidding me?!' — celebrating finding a cab with full theatrical intensity

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'I want more panache. I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz.' / Abbi: 'Eww, okay.'

Ilana:Two people immediately respond to Ilana's Facebook post — Ilana: 'Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. They are like up Facebook's butthole, no shame!'

Ilana:First response is from Ilana's old babysitter 'who, if I'm being honest, potentially broke up my parents.'

Ilana · Bevers:Ilana on the phone with Bevers to identify Benny Calitri: 'He was my "plus one"!' — and Bevers's reveal that he's 'one of my best friends'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You know, I've never been to this neighborhood before, but I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'It's reverse rapism. You are raping rape culture.'

Benny · Abbi · Ilana:The A/C turns out to be broken — Benny assumed 'broke-ass' in the post meant 'broken'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Maybe your dad should have pulled out.' Abbi: 'Whoa, dude.' Ilana: 'That was awesome. I just thought of that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's spontaneous adoption theory: the A/C she left in college is like a baby given up for adoption — 'she should be able to go and get that baby back whenever she pleases.' Abbi: 'I can't... I can't get into adoption with you again.'

Ilana · Security guard · Abbi:Ilana tries to get Abbi into the college dorm by claiming they're 'loving lesbians' when the security guard questions the expired ID — then when he says he doesn't care about that, she pivots to 'I guess it's because we're straight, then? The straight girls of 2015 shafted yet again!'

Security guard · Ilana:Security guard: 'You kids are all straight, and you're all gay.' Ilana: 'Thank you. Thank you, sir.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi pose as R.A.s in a dorm room 'raid' — Ilana: 'This is a spontaneous room raid. Whoo!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sniffs out weed hidden in the wall, Lassie-style — 'What is it, girl? What is it?'

Dorm residents · Ilana:'Who would leave weed in a wall, anyway?' — Ilana: 'A weed genius! And she'd leave it there indefinitely, in case of emergency.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana decide not to report the violations, then 'punish' the students by making them smoke all the weed in a bong hotbox

Ilana:As punishment, Ilana forces the dorm residents to smoke 'the whole bag' — she's basically hotboxing them with her own weed, recovered from the wall

Ilana:Ilana on her app idea: 'I invented this app... Well, okay, I didn't invent it yet, but soon. It's this photo app that adds lasers to images — lasers coming out of eyes, or nipples, or buttholes.'

Ilana · Companion:Ilana claims to have invented Bleepy; companion says 'Of course! Bleepy is huge!' Then Ilana: 'It's obviously not my only capitalist venture at this time.'

Ilana · 16-year-old:Ilana asks the companion's age; he says 16. Ilana: 'Oh, I've done it again.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm a repeated sex offender. I'm a monster, and I just have to deal with that, so...'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'So, you made out with a minor. You finished a couple of moments after a dude went unconscious. You're a sex offender at worst! Welcome to the club.' Ilana: 'There's a club?'

Ilana:The meal card stolen from 'Reginald Corolla' has $3,600 on it — Ilana: 'This asshole's got $3,600 on his meal card.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I am honored and thrilled that you would steal something for me.' Ilana: 'I feel like a fugitive.' Abbi: '...And if anyone asks, I'll say the one-armed man took it.'

Abbi · Ilana:The air conditioner is installed and it's so cold it's 'like a whole other apartment' — they stand in front of it in ecstasy

Abbi · Ilana · Male Stacey:Male Stacey is revealed to have been in Abbi's apartment the whole time, watching them ecstatically enjoy the A/C — 'Who the (bleep) are you?' / 'How did you get into my apartment?' / 'You (bleep) perv! Get in that box!'

Abbi · Ilana:We would love to use our free passes to see one movie and only one movie.

Abbi · Ilana:'Fang for a fang.' Gotta support book adaptations. — You read the book? — No.

Ilana · Abbi:There's milk duds on the bottom, actually. All right, yeah. My favorite.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana... Are you (bleep) kidding me?

Ilana:Hello, sir, we'd like to report that the sound was really subpar. The dolby was nowhere near 5.1.

Abbi · Ilana:Great, okay. See you next week.

Ilana:All major religions have a dual God system, one visible face and one invisible. Okay, call me after Dave and Busters. Say hi to your mom.

Ilana:Do you ever, um, get hair from your head stuck in your butt crack in the shower? Do you?

Ilana · Todd (offscreen):Todd's letter read aloud: 'Dear Ilana, when you do not do work, I feel disrespected and... less then.'

Ilana · Nicole:You know what? Challenge accepted. — Okay? I'm proud of you. That was great. Yeah, I'll do it, I'll work.

Ilana:Hey, Nicole, how would you describe exactly what it is we 'do' at this 'company.'?

Ilana:Yeah, two words, baby. Steve Jobs... techno-visionary, created many jobs.

Ilana · Intern Candidate:Wow, wow, wow. This is an incredible resume. Did you print this yourself? — Yeah, you just, uh, press Ctrl P.

Ilana · Intern Candidate:My biggest weakness is that I lose my purse a lot. But then my biggest strength is that I always get it back. Does that answer your question? — You asked me the question and then just started answering it yourself.

Ilana:Excellent listening skills.

Ilana · Frank:Gotta tell you, Frank, this would absolutely be a pity hire. — That would be amazing.

Ilana · Nicole:I just don't think you're deals deals deals material. — I already work here.

Ilana · Trey:What up, Trey? — So much better. Thank you for asking.

Trey · Ilana:Cha-chinga! — Yeah, you know what, I'm in a really good mood today too. Today is a che-chinga. — It's 'cha-chinga.' But that's great.

Trey · Ilana:Would you like to assist me today? — I would love to. — Rock on, Garth, let's party.

Ilana:Frank lives in Hoboken. He's a modern-day gypsy.

Ilana · Nicole:And, hey, the company can afford it. — Because you're not paying them. — Exactly. You and I are seriously like mind meld, on the same page.

Ilana:You gotta check this out, too. These are dinosaurs, stills of dinosaurs. They're made of the same thing stars are made of, which is what we are made of...

Ilana · Police Officer:Do we have to keep doing this? — You were attacked in broad daylight. We have to make sure this gang doesn't hit anybody else.

Ilana:I wish I hadn't reported this.

Ilana · Intern:Hi, Miss Wexler? — Please, call me Ilana. — Actually, call me Miss Wexler. — That was dope.

Ilana:Before you finish, I want you to know that you already have the answers. Unlock the solutions deep within you. (Vocalizing explosion) Now, get out of here.

Ilana:Before you finish, I want you to know that you already have the answers. Unlock the solutions deep within you. (Vocalizing explosion) Now, get out of here.

Nicole · Ilana:Oh, my God. Ilana. — Please, call me Miss Wexler.

Intern · Ilana · Ilana:Miss Wexler, I closed on that nail article. You made $400 in commission. — Perfect. Now, go get another one. — Holy (bleep) moly. Baby girl, you know we can make commission here?

Ilana:Baby girl, you know we can make commission here?

Ilana:When I started this day, I had one goal and that was to get a deal. But then I learned what commission is, and now my goal is money, money, money, bitch.

Ilana:Please don't leave the building so that you work and also I won't be able to sign you back in 'cause I won't be here.

Ilana · Intern:Your fly is down, yeah. (Whistling) — What a cool boss.

Ilana · Intern:Your fly is down, yeah. (Whistling) — What a cool boss.

Ilana:Whoo-hoo! What up, queen? Check it. I got a dirty-ass Martini, a clean white power suit, originally 119, down to 69, down to 39. Thank you. TJ Maxx.

Ilana:This, uh, Halliburton fat-cat lunch is on me.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana interrupts the nude modeling session to chat with Abbi, and Abbi reacts with delighted shock: 'Oh, my God, I'm a model?'

Ilana · Instructor:When the instructor asks if there's a problem, Ilana says they're 'strategizing like the shading... of the boobs.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana arrives at the dentist, cradles Abbi like a baby, calls herself 'Mommy Lani,' and hands Abbi a stuffed animal called 'Bingo Bronson that Mommy Lani got you.'

Ilana:Ilana asks the dentist: 'Mayonnaise clinic claims that facial paralysis can be a thing? Care to comment?' while gripping his head.

Ilana:Ilana narrates Abbi going under like a tearful goodbye: 'Bye, Abbi, I'll see you when you wake up. And if you don't wake up, I'll still see you... 'cause I'm gonna kill myself and meet you in heaven or whatever.'

Ilana:Ilana, told to calm down in the waiting room, announces: 'I am Abbi's keeper today. I am her mother, sister, father, brother.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln, watching TV in the waiting room, objects that the one Black character was killed off. Ilana responds 'I don't think these drugs are working, you guys.'

Ilana:Post-surgery, Ilana tells groggy Abbi: 'It was a huge success, but I had to remove all of your teeth. But don't worry, there's a huge internet community of dudes that like women that are super gum-heavy. It's a huge fetish.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln breaks the fourth wall on Ilana's gum-fetish lie: 'No, you were here the entire time, you saw... everything.' Followed by Ilana doing a baby voice: 'I am just gwad my wittle baby's awive.'

Ilana:Ilana riffs conspiratorially on the Vicodin prescription: 'Western medicine does stick to a pretty strict schedule. The sooner you take more pills, the sooner you buy more pills, right? Chomp, chomp, chomp, swallow, swallow, swallow. Government-regulated, Doctor Drew all-you-can-eat buffet!'

Ilana:Ilana, discussing Jeremy's thumbs-up text: 'He jerks off to you all the time, I sense those things. I know sexual tension when I feel it.'

Ilana · Jaimé:Ilana briefs Jaimé: 'Abbi is weak right now, like a baby, like an infant.' Then: 'Baby, I will like anticipate your every single need.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana feeds Abbi a Vicodin pill with the airplane-into-hangar bit: 'Okay, Abbi, this little airplane is going to come into the hangar. Yes... okay, now close the hangar.'

Ilana:Ilana, having just given Abbi her pills, immediately asks: 'Wow, it's been four hours already?' — having lost track of time after approximately zero minutes.

Ilana:Ilana declares the two most important things for dental surgery recovery are: 'Give her Froyo and braid her hair.'

Ilana · Jaimé:Ilana sends Jaimé to get Abbi's Froyo: 'I need you to go to 42 Squirts and get me a real Abbi flavor. You'll know when you see it.'

Ilana:Ilana announces: 'Are you ready to get on the party train? First stop — braid the fuck out of them silky-ass doll locks.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana plays 'Would You Rather' with drugged Abbi: 'Would you rather lick a dead man's penis, or have sex with the same person for the rest of your life?' Abbi: 'Penis.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Would you rather eat ice cream for five hours straight, or shoot somebody in the knee?' Abbi: 'Knee.'

Ilana:Ilana describes firecrackers: 'It was what we were on that time that dude jerked off on your pocketbook in Bryant Park. He was cool.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is telling Abbi not to message Jeremy — then we cut to Ilana apparently encouraging Abbi to leave Jeremy a love voicemail.

Ilana:Ilana: 'Yeah, but not while you're jacked-up on Uncle Sam pills.' Then: 'And don't you worry about leaving that message for Jeremy. You are gonna forget that in seven minutes.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana has put Abbi in a meditation pose with candles as 'How To With Dr. Whiz' while Abbi is post-surgery and Lincoln's reaction is: 'I would think that you could surmise from my initial reaction that she doesn't [look gorgeous].'

Ilana:Ilana tells Lincoln he's being loud when he's the concerned, normal one: 'Okay, jeez, you're the one who's being loud.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana propositions Lincoln: 'You wanna show me your old LL Cool J, your Lincoln Log?' Lincoln refuses. Ilana offers: 'I'll show you my tah-tahs.' Lincoln: 'Yes. Yes! Show me your penis.'

Lincoln · Ilana:No! / I'll show you my tah-tahs. / Yes. Yes! / Show me your penis.

Ilana:Abbi wakes up to find Ilana and Lincoln apparently in flagrante: 'Oh, goodie, you're awake! We're gonna have so much fun! Let's go play outside!'

Ilana · Lincoln · Abbi:Ilana has drawn a torso-face and Abbi, Lincoln, and Ilana try to figure out who it is. Extended bit where nobody knows, culminating in: 'Maybe Abbi'll know.'

Ilana:Ilana reassures Lincoln about his new arousal: 'You are gonna be an old dude with so many boners in a non-creepy way. That's hot.'

Ilana:Ilana confesses to Lincoln she's been lying about the Vicodin schedule: 'I lied, I fucked lied, dude! I gave her the strongest form of weed possible. Other than dabbing.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I haven't smoked once, I didn't even vape. This is all my fault.' Then: 'I lied, I fucked lied, dude!'

Ilana:Ilana, searching for Abbi in a store, describes her: 'Did you see a beautiful, sumptuous model-type come through? Long silky hair like a horse's main?'

Ilana · Store Employee:Store employee: 'The only thing I see is that crazy woman who bought two Yoo-hoos and dropped a bottle on the floor.' Ilana: 'Yoo-hoo.' Employee: 'Yeah, that's what I just said.' Ilana: 'Thank you so much. Get out of my store, get out of my—'

Ilana:Ilana chases the retreating employee: 'Punk. Dick, bitch.'

Ilana:Ilana (or Abbi's friend via phone) encourages Abbi to use her credit card: 'You got it because you thought you needed more than one card to be an adult, right? Well, now's your chance to be one!'

Ilana · Automated Voice:Ilana finds Abbi via a credit card fraud call: the automated voice confirms the purchase at 'Whole Foods in Gowanus, Brooklyn' and closes with: 'From your clear answer, I can tell you are Abbi Abrams, and this was not a fraudulent charge.'

Ilana:Ilana, returning to the street, says: 'Damn, this neighborhood is changing.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Peace, mortals.' As she approaches Abbi.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi throws Bingo Bronson the stuffed animal at 'Strega Nona' as a defensive weapon. Ilana: 'I got you, Bingo Bronson!' Abbi: 'I love you, Bingo Bronson!'

Ilana:Ilana, responding to Lincoln's horniness revelation: 'Oh, yeah? It hurts.'

Jeremy · Abbi · Ilana:Jeremy, Abbi, and Ilana all yell 'Listen!' over each other trying to get a word in, then Jeremy breaks through: 'I would love to go out with you on an official... thing.'

Ilana:Ilana describing a long butt hair that turned out to be head hair fallen into her butt crack

Ilana:'You are finally going to vagina-swallow Jeremy tonight'

Ilana:Ilana's confident assertions about Jeremy: 'He definitely has sisters' / 'He also definitely doesn't wear underwear. He's got his junk rolling around in there all smelly and stuff.'

Ilana · Bobbi:This bitch is always late. Oh, here she is. I can't believe you beat me here! This bitch is always late. - Hi, mom. - Hi, honey.

Ilana:Ilana says 'This bitch is always late' — then Bobbi arrives and Ilana says it again: 'This bitch is always late'

Ilana · Abbi:'Staph is not the real bad one, right?' / 'Yeah, it is.'

Ilana:Ilana describes Abbi to her own mother as 'a high-class wasp-y Jew. A Philadelphia queen from down the main line, king of Prussia mall!'

Ilana · Bobbi:Visual gag: nail polish bottles slapping in unison — presumably Bobbi and Ilana doing some kind of synchronized nail polish display

Abbi · Ilana · Bobbi:'Wait, I thought Little Richard was gay.' / 'Bisexual alien.' / 'No, bisexual alien.'

Bobbi · Ilana:Bobbi: 'Gets me a chance to go to Canal Street and pick up some handbags for the girls back on Long Island.' Ilana: 'Mom, I thought we were done with the bag obsession.' Bobbi: 'Excuse me, Ilana, my mother just died. I was done, but now I'm dipping my toe back in.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'One time, I don't wear a condom and you tell your...' / Abbi: 'No! That's just how she says goodbye to people.'

Ilana · Bobbi · Abbi:Ilana and Bobbi admiring Abbi's butt as she walks away — Abbi: 'Talking about my butt?' Both: 'Yes.'

Ilana · Bobbi:Ilana and Bobbi casually discuss Jay-Z and Beyoncé being in the Illuminati, and Blue Ivy becoming 'grandmaster supreme'

Ilana:Ilana speaks Mandarin to the vendor then immediately: 'What the fuck am I talking Chinese for?'

Ilana · Bobbi:Ilana: 'His lips are his hottest feature!' / Bobbi: 'Not for me.'

Ilana · Bobbi:The group is offered blindfolds for the covert bag operation; Ilana and Bobbi pull out their own: 'We bring our own blindfolds, no. Thank you.'

Ilana:'Remember that time I got pink eye? That was so horrible.'

Ilana:Ilana on copepods: 'We have shrimp inside of us at all times, which I'm okay with, sounds delicious. But it's like, ask me first?'

Ilana:'Now we're cooking with gas. All the good shit is always down a manhole.'

Ilana:Ilana fielding calls from Bobbi's address book while getting a manicure: 'Rachel Ackerman, Rachel Alterman, Aunt Cherry, Rabbi Stein...' then her phone rings: 'Cut or uncut?'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'Dude, I'm freaking the fuck out right now. So we were doing it and I was like, we should switch positions, and then he throws me a strap-on.' [BEAT]

Ilana:Ilana answers the other line while Abbi is on hold: 'Hello? I get one, too. And I think the rest are just gonna be extras, so yeah.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'This is a dream come true. Thank you for sharing this with me.' / Abbi: 'Dude, I'm calling for advice.' / Ilana: 'Oh. Sorry.'

Ilana:'All throughout college, I slept with a strap-on on, just in case the opportunity came along that you have handed to you on a silver fucking platter!'

Ilana:At Shiva: Ilana delivers funeral-context argument for pegging: 'That badass bitch did everything she ever wanted to. You want to go to the grave dreaming of Jeremy's hairy, adorable little butthole? Or do you want to die knowing that you brought him pleasure by plowing it like a queen?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Bitch, you know. You wouldn't have called me if you didn't.'

Elliott · Ilana · Bobbi:Elliott (Ilana's dad) at the Shiva: 'My dad didn't love me half as much as I love you guys.' / Family: 'Okay.' / 'We know.'

Elliott · Ilana:Elliott: 'And the toll into the city? 13 bucks. Now, you know that's going right into Bloomberg's pocket.' / Ilana: 'Bloomberg isn't mayor anymore.' / Elliott: 'That's what he wants you to think!'

Elliott · Ilana:Elliott is singing 'On Eagle's Wings' at the Shiva — Ilana asks: 'Isn't that a Christian song?'

Bobbi · Ilana:Simply yes or no. Did you or did you not... (exhaling sharply) Peg? / (Elliott continues singing)

Ilana:'Whoo, you a pegga! Pega-Seuss! That's you.'

Bobbi · Ilana:I never got to say goodbye. / The bags know, mom. They know.

Stranger · Bobbi · Ilana:Hey, you're blocking the whole fucking sidewalk! / (Both women shouting) Who the hell are you, you disrespectful motherfucker? So walk around us, you patriarchal motherfucker! Who do you think you are, talking to us that way? You move around us, fuck face! I'll fucking murder you, you little bitch! You cross the street!

Elliott · Bobbi · Ilana:Elliott: 'Don't forget to wear a condom.' / Bobbi: 'Or not... I don't know what's appropriate in this situation.' / Ilana: 'Listen to me: Get that ass.'

Bobbi · Ilana:Bobbi and Ilana counting aloud: 'One bag, two bag, three bag, four. Bags, bags, bags. Five bags, six bags, seven bags, more.' Both: 'Jesus Christ.'

Ilana · Bobbi · Officer:During arrest, Ilana: 'Guess we're being let off easy 'cause we're extremely white.' / Bobbi: 'Yeah, that's the prison industrial complex for you.' / Officer: 'Want to get back in the car?' / Both: 'We just want to make sure our voices are heard.' / Officer: 'They were... you're very loud.'

Ilana · Bobbi:Guess we're being let off easy 'cause we're extremely white. / Yeah, that's the prison industrial complex for you.

Bobbi · Ilana · Officer:Officer: 'We can't give you the bags. They're evidence in an ongoing counterfeit investigation.' / Ilana: 'Enjoy your new handbags!' / Bobbi: ''Ongoing'.'

Ilana:You're gonna find someone else to peg. There are infinite holes in the sea.

Ilana · Abbi:Maybe even, I don't know... Girl holes? / I'm not pegging you, dude. / You gotta stop bringing it up.

Ilana:Oh, and also, I'm back on [censored]. I like them again.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana FaceTimes Abbi to reveal a nose ring, Abbi's first reaction is 'that's very hot and 2004 of you'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's parting shot: 'Ugh, yeah, try not to pierce your pussy while I'm gone' followed by Abbi's 'Ew, what? Did you just leave?'

Ilana:Abbi: 'I cannot wait to smoke that one day after work.' / Ilana: 'Work? Jesus fu-- I knew I was forgetting something.'

Ilana:Ilana bursts into an office conference room mid-meeting to announce she needs to leave because her best friend is going to a hot party

Ilana:Ilana tells her coworker Nicole: 'I left a hardboiled egg in our cube. You can have it if you can find it.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi says she'll use the party to 'finally spill the beans' to Trey about wanting to be an instructor/trainer; Ilana responds 'Hell yeah, dude, carpe damn'

Abbi · Ilana · Trey:Trey hosts a party that turns out to be a tiny, lame gathering — the visual of Abbi and Ilana walking in and immediately needing to leave

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana says Abbi is being 'intolerant' for wanting to leave; Abbi gasps

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Ilana, you're being... intolerant.' — then Trey arrives

Ilana:Ilana has texted 'where party' to EVERYONE in her phone the moment the party disappointed her

Ilana:Ilana to Jaime's boyfriend: 'I've been social media stalking you since Jaime told me you were his... whatever'

Ilana:Ilana's extended speech about not fetishizing gay friends: 'Not like in a 'I can't wait to officiate your gay wedding' way, 'cause straight people always say that and it's like, gross. It's just fetishizing their gay friends.'

Ilana · Jaime's boyfriend:After the whole speech, the boyfriend simply says 'You're Ilana, right?' and Ilana says 'How did you know?'

Ilana · Jaime's boyfriend · Jaime:Instagram filter debate: 'I'm gonna use valencia, is that okay you think?' / 'Everybody uses the valencia' / 'What are you going to use?' / 'The Kelvin' / 'Using the kelv... no, that's silly, for goodness!' / 'For goodness.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's party-rating system: 'This party is a seven. We could be missing out on a 10.' Abbi: 'Yeah, but we leave and we end up at a six?'

Ilana:Ilana's response to ending up at a six: 'I don't know, we fuck ourselves, who cares?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana seriously discuss suicide methods: 'I'd shoot you in the face and shoot myself in the heart.' 'Why would you shoot me in the face?' 'It's nice, you'd die instantly.' 'Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Why would you shoot me in the face?' / Ilana: 'It's nice, you'd die instantly.' / Abbi: 'Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln does 'pec jumps' (makes his pectoral muscles bounce individually) and Ilana gasps and says 'Do that again'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana commands Lincoln: 'Can you worm us there?' — and he does the worm across the party toward the snacks

Ilana:Ilana describes the charcuterie board as having 'dog dick, ghost poop, grapes, and cornichons'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana holds up a cornichon next to her face: 'Don't I look like a giant?' / Abbi: 'That is so weird. I was just googling micropenises this morning and they look exactly like that. All lumpy and—'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I was just googling micropenises this morning and they look exactly like that. All lumpy and (bleep).'

Abbi · Ilana:'Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me. You saw I was enjoying this.' / 'Okay, don't ruin micropenises for me.' / 'Touché.'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Narnia of partias is still out there and we're going to find it.' / 'Did you just say Narnia of partias?'

Ilana · Abbi · others:The extended 'Rent' discourse: 'Do you guys know that play 'Rent'? I don't understand how they thought that they just didn't need to pay rent, like, at all.' / 'I know, it's like, it sucks, but everybody has to pay rent.'

Ilana:'I could totally be on Broadway. I'd be like... 500, 25...' (phone vibrates, interrupting)

Ilana:Dr. Rotreiller's tapeworm update: 'It's still in her anus. It is crowned and... and breeched.'

Ilana:They arrive at the rooftop party. Ilana: 'Whoo, this party is a— 10, I knew it!' then: 'Yes, whose party is this, dude? Who gives a fat wet (bleep)?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'God, I love when straight dudes make out.'

Ilana:Bouncer scene: Ilana tries to get them into a venue, fails, then: 'They're not gonna let us in, then I don't wanna go in there. 'Cause you know why? We deserve better than that.'

Ilana:Ilana's realization: 'How did I not know that when Abbi gets blackout drunk she becomes Val? My FOMO's through the damn roof.'

Ilana:Ilana's reaction to being called 'Baby Doll' by Val: 'Baby Doll? Of course I have been missing out on this for years.'

Val (Abbi) · Ilana:Val: 'You're always worried about missing out on life. You never bother to actually live.' / Ilana: 'Uh... doy.'

Abbi (as Val) · Ilana:Val kisses a bar patron: 'Johnny, you cad. I forgot you were the best kisser in town. Except for my main squeeze.' / Ilana: 'I'm your main squeeze?' / Val: 'Yeah.'

Val (Abbi) · Ilana:Val tells Ilana she's 'my favorite little jewy this side of St. Louie'

Ilana:Ilana announces: 'Val bar is Narnia!'

Ilana · Abbi:Morning after: Ilana singing 'No mo' FOMO' while Abbi has absolutely no memory of Val

Ilana:Ilana tells the cab driver 'Treat her right, sir' as Abbi gets in to go directly to work from a bar at 6:45 AM

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana grabs Abbi's nose ring area: 'Hold on, I think my nose ring is here.' Abbi: 'Don't touch it!'

Security Guard · Abbi · Ilana:Security guard pretends to be a record producer to get Abbi and Ilana to stop drumming, then immediately deflates the setup

Ilana:"Cocaine and incest, baby. Can't get enough."

Ilana · Abbi:"Sometimes it's the less you know, though... you know?" followed by Abbi's flat "No."

Ilana:Immediate pivot to obsessing over what food will be at the dog wedding

Abbi · Ilana:Watching the dog wedding e-vite video and declaring it 'a masterpiece'

Ilana:Immediate pivot from film criticism to 'people steal people's dogs and sell them' with a Judge Judy reference

Abbi · Ilana:Judge Judy's net worth is bleeped — the number is so large it's treated as profanity

Ilana:"Wait, keep that face. I gotta take a pic and capture your deep, deep Judy discovery."

Ilana · Abbi:"I'm gonna 'gram it. No filter." — followed by the 'Whoa...' beat implying the phone sucks them into a vortex

Ilana · Abbi:"Jesus, I forgot you were in the (Bleep) room! Holy (Bleep), dude, how did we forget that we were here together?"

Ilana:"We were so tapped into the worldwide bloodstream, we fell into the lint roll matrix."

Ilana:"Gmail, Grindr, Facebook, Facetime, Insta, Grindr, Tumblr, Twitter, Dlisted."

Ilana:"...rip the plug out to go to sleep, rub one out, rinse and repeat."

Ilana:Ilana answering her phone mid-speech about how they're addicted to their phones

Ilana:"Dude, I'm not my brother's keeper." in response to whether Lincoln is wearing a tie

Ilana:"They're on Abbi's toes." — the wedding rings are being worn on Abbi's toes

Ilana:"Not to 'patronize' you, but of course I have the rings" — Ilana air-quotes 'patronize' back at Eliot

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana negotiating how to fill Ilana's oversized rollerblades — 'sponges, cotton balls, newspaper around my negative space in my foot'

Ilana · Abbi:The blades actually fit Ilana — 'They fit me. They're a little snug, actually.' — followed by Abbi's deflated 'That's cool... That's cool... Yeah. That's cool.'

Abbi · Ilana:Neither of them knows where the dog wedding is — they don't have their phones

Ilana:"If our foremothers can find countries without phones, we can find a dang dog wedding."

Ilana:"If I had my phone right now, I would Tinder the (Bleep) out of like all those beefcakes."

Ilana:"You don't need Tinder for these dudes. You've got Tinder right here, IRL. Wanna 'fook'?!"

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi being peer-pressured into yelling 'Wanna foooook?' in the park

Abbi · Ilana:The 'bail! bail!' sequence — Ilana and Abbi discover they can't stop their rollerblades and bail off-road into a ditch/hole

Ilana · Abbi:'What if I jump down in there, and then we scream for help together?' / 'No, you need to go get help.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi stuck in a hole — Ilana's emergency kit is 'two joints, nuts and figs, and a lanyard'

Abbi · Ilana:"You mean gimp?" / "You wanna argue about what it's called right now? You, in the hole?"

Ilana:"Okay, I'm gonna BRB."

Abbi · Ilana:"Wait, Ilana. [pause] Yeah? [pause] I do want the figs."

Ilana:Ilana gets completely lost in the park looking for the dog wedding and we hear her calling 'Eliot!' into the void

Ilana:Ilana stumbles upon something strange in the park — the timestamp gaps and 'Whoa.' / 'What is this?' / 'Oh, Jesus, turn it off.' / 'What the (Bleep)?' reaction sequence

Ilana:"Oh, dog wedding gazebo! Yes! Maps rule! Foremother's a bitch! Sacagawea!"

Ilana · Tourists:Tourists find Ilana rollerblading and one of them photographs her on a phone — she first tries to give them her number ('Are you gonna call?') then realizes they're just photographing her

Ilana · Wedding Guest:Ilana arrives at the wedding mid-ceremony shouting 'Wait! Hold up! Stop the wedding!' — and someone mutters 'She's always gotta make it about her.'

Ilana · Lincoln:The dog identifies Abbi's scent on Ilana's repurposed shirt — 'This was once Abbi's shirt that I re-purposed to make cooler. Come on, boy, that's her scent.' / 'She's a girl.' / 'Oh. We'll treat her differently, then.'

Ilana:Ilana doing a Simon Cowell impression at the dog wedding, critiquing a dog's 'performance'

Ilana:Ilana arguing with another 'judge' about the dog's performance — 'She put her heart out there. She put her soul out there.' — then immediately snapping out of it

Ilana:'No, I completely disagree. Are you kidding me? She put her heart out there. She put her soul out there. You are completely overlooking the level of commitment that performance took!'

Ilana:"Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Abbi's wearing my backpack as a diaper."

Ilana · Abbi:"Dude, I was gone for like 25 minutes. Half-hour tops. / It felt like a lot longer."

Eliot · Ilana · Lincoln:"So I guess we're related now. / Can in-laws hook up? / Yeah, it's like soft incest. / Whoa, that's so royal."

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana gasp simultaneously and in unison at Jaime's fake bad news

Ilana:Ilana: 'Jaime, those old white dudes are impossible to tell apart.'

Ilana:Ilana's flustered 'Right. Right, right, right.' after Abbi's Ellis Island comment — clearly covering for a social blunder

Ilana:Ilana pre-emptively distributes Ziploc bags to smuggle free food and booze off the boat: 'I brought ziplocs, pass it down.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'They are totally getting beer.' — as soon as Jaime is out of earshot

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana exchange looks after 'The captain is a murderer' — implied beat of incredulous silence before following him anyway

Abbi · Ilana · Bevers:They get locked in the storage room immediately after finding the liquor

Ilana:Ilana yells 'Rape! Rape!' to get help through a locked door

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'No, it's fire, you yell fire.' — Ilana immediately: 'Oh, fine. Fire!'

Ilana:Ilana's evolving emergency chants: 'Fire! Fire and rape! Rape and fire! Fire rape!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I honestly have always thought that we'd die in each other's arms at sea.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm gonna be wearing my American flag contact lenses. Yeah, they burn me very badly. I should stop.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Kill, fuck, marry' with Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Svedka vodka, and... robot

Ilana:Ilana: 'Easy — kill the dudes, fuck and marry that robot.' — without hesitation

Ilana:Ilana: 'You guys know that human-robot marriage is gonna be the civil rights issue of our lifetime?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'What the fuck is jazz?' — after Bevers introduces the term

Ilana:Ilana: 'I would chug the jazz.' — after refusing to answer, finally answering

Ilana:Ilana's 'And she is occupato' while holding up her ziploc — presumably already filled

Ilana:Ilana: 'I really haven't thought about it, but I'd be Posh Spice.' — instantly in a Spice Girls debate

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'Open your eyes, man. Shakira is Spicy Spice.' / Ilana: 'Oh my God. You're a genius.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Government-mandated monogamy is for old people, like Facebook invites or network TV.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'We're sex friends... although we haven't had sex in like, four days. You know, today I was actually with him all day, but I didn't see his dick once.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm a sexual X-man, I'm Wolverine. I'm Vulva-rine.'

Ilana:Ilana confessional: 'If Lincoln and I are a couple, it's like, why did my ancestors even come here?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You got beauty, you got brains, you're a fucking genius.' — to Abbi, right before being distracted

Ilana:Ilana: 'The boys with the penises!' — on seeing Lincoln and Jaime

Ilana:Ilana proposing 'P to P' to Lincoln — 'Pubes to Pubes'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana says 'Amber alert. Urgency.' as her phone sign-off, then hangs up without giving Abbi any of the details she needs

Ilana:Ilana makes a phone call mid-conversation with her employer; when called out, she responds 'Did I?' with complete sincerity

Ilana:Ilana responds to instructions about Oliver's dietary restrictions and where to take him ('Babbo or Nobu or Momofuku') with 'YOLO, FOMO, tippy-tee'

Ilana:Ilana calls the employer 'what a bad bitch' immediately after she leaves

Ilana · Oliver:Ilana greets Oliver: 'Last time I saw you, you were a toothless spud sitting in your own poop'

Ilana:Ilana's four R's of environmentalism: 'Reduce, re-use, recycle, Rihanna!'

Ilana · Barista:Barista's flat refusal: 'I'm sorry ma'am, we can't reuse cups. It's a health code violation.' — followed by Ilana's 'Come on. This is so gross.'

Ilana:Ilana on Oliver's future: 'If I didn't step in, he could go to Yale. And then Yale law and then kill a stripper and settle out of court.'

Ilana:Ilana's rationale: 'If I don't do something, he could turn into another useless rich old white man'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana watching porn in a coffee shop with a child present — Abbi's horrified 'Ilana, I'm not watching porn in here'

Ilana:Ilana's porn taxonomy: 'I don't watch anything but solo porn because regular porn is like, shut up little girl, wash my feet!' — her full description of mainstream porn's dialogue

Ilana:Ilana's extended parody of mainstream porn's 'barely legal' dialogue, including 'I love shaved pubes and tan, crispy bellies and tits'

Ilana:Ilana's porn search path: 'So I started with average-size penis jerk. That led me to twins squirting, hello. Which then brought me to frosted tips masturbation.'

Ilana:Ilana's 'That's probably why I really, really don't like most of it' — followed by her suggesting Abbi should check her search history

Ilana · Abbi:Discovery reveal: 'Oh my god, Trey is in a porn! Kirk Steele? Hold on—' — the reveal that Abbi's boss is a porn star, followed by Abbi's panicked repetition

Ilana:Ilana's advice: 'Use it, bitch.'

Ilana:Ilana on the subway: 'Shh, Oliver, we don't talk about Uber down here.'

Ilana · Oliver:Ilana's game: find the most disadvantaged person on the subway and give them your seat — Oliver correctly identifies it's himself

Ilana · Abbi:Art negotiation: Ilana offers $2 for two $40 paintings — 'I meant $2.00.' — and Abbi says 'No way' then immediately says 'okay let's do it'

Ilana · Customer:Ilana: 'Hey, listen, I've been there, sweetie. I've been there.' Customer: 'To my dick?' Ilana: 'Yeah.'

Ilana:Ilana and Abbi's total: '$22 still.' — their running fundraising total is $22 after all that effort

Employer/Helen · Ilana:Employer: 'I had no idea you were gay.' Ilana: 'We all...' [trails off, doesn't complete the sentence]

Ilana · Oliver:Ilana's complaint then immediate plan: 'Come on, dude, I thought we were cool. Now I gotta lug all this shit to some Jesus house?' — followed immediately by Oliver's scheme to resell at Beacon's Closet

Ilana:'The student has become the teacher.' — Ilana's reaction to Oliver's Beacon's Closet plan

Ilana · Oliver:Oliver whispering 'Yes, queen!' while Ilana mouths it silently — a child absorbing Ilana's vernacular

Abbi · Ilana · Beacon's Closet Employee:Abbi and Ilana return to Beacon's Closet with designer clothes; the worker at first doesn't recognize them ('Remember me?') and the Pretty Woman reference begins

Abbi · Ilana:The Pretty Woman callback: Abbi and Ilana return to Beacon's with better clothes — 'Remember me?' / 'Big mistake. Big. Huge.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Big mistake. Big. Huge.' [Pretty Woman reference]

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi celebrates '$13,000 in store credit' — Ilana immediately: 'Dude, I need the money.'

Trey · Ilana:Regina has been missing for 48 hours — Trey: 'Plus Regina who normally teaches the class has been missing for 48 hours.' Ilana: 'Love Regina, but that's awesome.'

Ilana:Coat check flattery bit: 'I think I saw this coat on Who Wore It Best. Guess who wore it best? You.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sniffing a coat: 'Who cares?' / 'I go to sleep dreaming about caffeine enemas.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I go to sleep dreaming about caffeine enemas.'

Ilana:'I have fake boobs!' — Ilana discovering implants in a coat pocket/lining

Ilana:'Although, if somebody wants to get it, it's like, do your thing.'

Ilana:British accent bit: 'Silly Benny. Get me another serving of American Bald Eagle and then stomp on my balls with high heels, please. Thank you!'

Ilana:'I love how working moves my bowels.'

Ilana · Abbi:FaceTime from the bathroom exchange — Ilana asks Abbi to FaceTime her from the bathroom; Abbi says 'Yeah.' Then adds 'Just switch to wifi.' Ilana: 'Okay, I was kidding.'

Ilana:Ilana declares herself 'the Guardian of the Coats' and poses dramatically

Ilana:Ilana runs in screaming 'Prank! Yes!' after hiding in the coats to scare Abbi

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's correction — 'No, they're supposed to be on the hangers with the corresponding coat' — and Ilana's response: 'Thank you for always encouraging me to follow my heart. I love you.'

Ilana · Adele:Ilana and Adele simultaneously say 'I was looking for you' / 'Me too!'

Ilana · Adele:Ilana sniffing Adele deeply right after they meet

Ilana:'Because you're such a bobo, I have the opportunity of a lifetime to find and return Kelly Ripa's coat to her home, dude.'

Ilana:'I had my first simultaneous orgasm last night and Adele and I only kissed.'

Ilana · Abbi:'(Gasping) Oh, my God... Empty lounge chairs! There's never empty lounge chairs!' — the sighting and immediate sprint

Maureen's Ex · Abbi · Ilana:Maureen's ex refuses to return the coat because he's 'an enormous Kelly Ripa fan,' leading to a standoff over the coat.

Maureen's ex · Abbi · Ilana:Maureen's ex refuses to give up Kelly Ripa's coat because he's an 'enormous Kelly Ripa fan' — and the standoff escalates

Abbi · Ilana · Maureen's ex:Abbi threatens to smash the Civil War pistol / Ilana pulls a gun and is told: 'The pistol doesn't shoot, honey. It's a 1782 Ketland flintlock. It's priceless 'cause my father gave it to me, but it will not shoot.'

Maureen's ex · Ilana:'Jesus, who are you guys?' / 'Your worst nightmare.'

Ilana:Ilana tells Maureen's ex that Maureen was 'full' — then admits she was hosting an orgy

Ilana · Adele:'Yeah, no shit. You knew?' / 'I'm not blind, I mean, isn't that why you approached me in the first place?'

Ilana · Adele:'Of course I'm drawn to myself. I masturbate in the mirror! Me too! That's what's so hot about it. It's like hooking up with yourself.'

Ilana:Ilana's sexual diversity CV: 'I have sex with people different from me. Different colors, different shapes, different sizes. People who are hotter, uglier. More smart, not more smart. Innies, outies. I don't know... a Catholic person.'

Ilana:'Listen. We should still stay in touch for organ donation or jury duty.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Listen, if a prostitute's what you want, I can make that happen.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah. That'd be insane. That'd be, like, so badass. I can make the call. They could get here in 25 minutes.'

Abbi · Ilana:'You were going with it!' / 'I just wanted to see what would happen!'

Ilana:'Kelly has really changed you.'

Ilana:21, you're suddenly allowed to be an alcoholic.

Ilana:20, you lose your virginity.

Abbi · Ilana · Tree Man:Tree man jumpscare — a man in a tree costume startles them repeatedly.

Ilana:I love a 'BYOF'... bring your own food, or a 'BYOS'... bring your own silverware. I'd wash the dishes if they'd let me.

Abbi · Ilana:This is the exact opposite reason why restaurants exist at all. Why not just eat at home? I don't have a table.

Street Man · Abbi · Ilana:A man on the street tells them they should smile. Immediate scene cut.

Ilana · Abbi:My people plan for death, Abbi. / I'm Jewish too. / Okay, but you're a mainline Jew. New York Jews wake up every day just thinking about how they're going to die.

Abbi · Ilana:I think about death. / Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Abbi · Ilana:You wrote your will on a napkin? / I made copies, obviously.

Abbi · Ilana:Hold up... you gave me power of attorney? I need you to be able to fight against my killer or whatever, and then option the rights.

Abbi · Ilana:Are you talking about the Beanie Babies? / With the flamingo one?

Ilana:It's cyclical, the market is cyclical. Maybe you don't know about the market. But it's cyclical.

Ilana:Yeah, baby, it's a whole other math game. I've got a math head.

Ilana:It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it.

Abbi · Ilana · Host:Little Wayne, party of two. / Oh my god, Weezy's here. He is so real. / No, that's us. We… are Little Wayne.

Chris · Abbi · Ilana:I get so confused on Facebook. / Me too! Like, how it works. What are all the numbers and the things? / I know! I don't know what they go with.

Chris · Abbi · Ilana:I'm really sad you guys missed my last solo performance. / We're so sorry that happened. / We don't even know you guys that well.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana knocks her wine bottle off the table, covers herself in wine, and uses this as an excuse to immediately leave.

Ilana:You know, wine is heart healthy, so... Here we go. Just do that.

Homeless Man · Ilana · Abbi:Where are the leftovers? / It was honestly too annoying. We didn't even order. / Wow, too annoying? Must be nice. Must. Be. Nice.

Ilana:You know, runaway teens have it so tough. He probably came out to his family, they kicked him out, so he hopped a boxcar from Oklahoma and now he's turning tricks on St. Mark's.

Ilana:You know, child sex trafficking is all around us. / Wigs! Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday!

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana's silent wide-eyed reaction to the man's phone call.

Abbi · Ilana:I feel like every city has a parrot dude. / You ever see the guy with the cat on his head? / Wonder if it ever touches the ground. If it does, that would be disgusting. / Imagine if those two guys met. I think the parrot would win.

Ilana:God, I have such a wig face. It's not even funny. This is the kind of wig you get buried in.

Abbi · Ilana:Why would you want to get buried in a wig? / It's the last time people get to see you. Yeah, exactly, I want to look dope as [bleep] at my funeral.

Ilana:I even made a playlist already. It's pretty much RuPaul's 'Supermodel' on repeat.

Ilana:I need leather tissues.

Ilana:I also want everyone I've ever hooked up with to just jerk off together. That might bring me back to life. Seriously.

Ilana:I want a really nice funeral. On a hill. Everyone would be really sad — like, hill funerals usually are.

Ilana · Abbi:Everyone has to go to Six Flags, my treat. / That is genius! You can't be upset at Six Flags, you can't.

Ilana · Abbi:How am I going to Bernie you if I'm already dead? / No, I'm obviously dying first. / No, the husband always dies first. / First of all, we're not married. Second of all, I'm the wife? / You're the other husband.

Ilana:I am a female and I love to inspect bodies.

Ilana:Challah back, y'all.

Abbi · Ilana:You are seriously beautiful, like, really, really beautiful. / No, you are.

Ilana:Drop the bag, you [bleep]. When I catch you, I swear I'm going to rip out your disgusting little ball sack until you [bleep] throw up your own dick!

Ilana · Abbi:My wig! / Leave it, leave it!

Ilana:Drop it, you [bleep] face, I swear I'll rip... come on, [bleep]hole! Ball sack!

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi straddling a fence while Ilana goes back through the kitchen — both breathlessly discussing the plan.

Ilana · Timothy's Mother:That boy lives here? / Boy? He's 34 years old. I had him when I was very young.

Abbi · Ilana:I'm just going to grab... / I'm sorry your son sucks so hard.

Abbi · Ilana · Tree Man:Tree Man returns Ilana's wig. 'You're like the giving tree in real life.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'This is the most powerful and beautiful blanket since the AIDS quilt.' — referring to her birthday gift.

Ilana:This is the most powerful and beautiful blanket since the AIDS quilt.

Abbi · Ilana:It's a squirrel sleeping bag, unzipped. / Yes, it is.

Ilana:I am proud of the time I saw something and said something.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm proud that I finally felt a prostate. / It's tricky.

Ilana:I'm proud that I used a lemon successfully as antiperspirant.

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm proud that I used a lemon successfully as antiperspirant. Whoo, yes I did.'

Ilana:Next year, I want to finish a book... reading, not writing.

Ilana:I want to gradually lower my dosage of antidepressants.

Abbi · Ilana:I finally finished 'Damages,' so good. / I really think you need to reconsider TV.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's proud moments: 'I finally finished Damages, so good.' Ilana: 'I really think you need to reconsider TV.'

Abbi · Ilana:When I figured out my eyebrows. They're sisters, they're not twins. Right. Need to be treated as such.

Ilana:Ilana explains she was late because she read a depressing article about Saudi women's oppression and 'had to blow off some steam and masturbate first.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'You just would not have wanted to see me if I hadn't masturbated.' Both women react with 'Oh... no!' while looking at something in the street

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi drops her keys down a sewer grate — 'There's no way you're gonna reach the bottom'

Abbi · Ilana:Women passionately discuss the injustice of Saudi women needing written permission from 'keepers' to leave the house — then immediately discover the bottomless mimosas are off the menu and react with equal or greater outrage

Ilana:Ilana: 'New York is Europe. I love it.' While they receive free sparkling water

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi does impressions at Ilana's request — German, Australian, Spanish — then Ilana asks for Chinese and Abbi refuses: 'It's 2016, dude.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana refers to Abbi's college roommate as 'Smelly pussy Donna' — and Abbi's response: 'No, and I'm still sorry that I told you that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana calls Time Out New York 'TONY' and Abbi has to explain what TONY stands for — Ilana: 'Love it.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana describes Abbi as 'sexy and vivacious and artsy and like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still. It's a perfect combo.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'It's okay. It's, like, urban. Like Urban Outfitters.' Ilana: 'Got it.'

Ilana:Ilana's toast: 'To my frond... To the ond.' (attempting 'friend' and 'the end')

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana produces a piece of gum to fish the dropped key from the sewer grate; Abbi is disgusted: 'Gum is so repulsive. It is cow cud.'

Abbi · Ilana:A train passes while they're fishing in the grate, knocking them both over

Ilana:Ilana: 'Well, now you have an excuse to buy something. Honestly, that's the best way to shop, desperate and in a time crunch.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Having this 12-pound chain around my waist for a few hours is nothing compared to the metaphysical chains of those Saudi women and their keepers.'

Abbi · Ilana · Hostess:The bathroom standoff — 'If you came here two months ago, that just makes you entitled to piss here whenever you'd like?'

Ilana · Man:Man at pop-up: 'I have a girlfriend.' Ilana: 'Yeah, well, so do I. She's right here, with the ugly hat on.'

Ilana:Ilana describes the child labor that likely went into making the 90%-off shirt — 'little fingers perfect for sewing, but also perfect for getting stuck in that sewing machine' — then concludes: 'It's 90% off. You know, if you don't buy it, what was all of that for?'

Ilana:Ilana squats behind a parked car or barrier to pee in public; a passerby watches and Ilana instructs them: 'Squats... Um, unlock the hips.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln calls — Ilana takes the call and asks him to 'say something filthy' before answering his actual question about whether she forgot his graduation

Ilana:Ilana: 'Ilana, did you forget my graduation is today?' / 'No. Na... We're close, on our... very way.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi try to board CitiBikes while Ilana still has the chain around her waist; elaborate, stuttering boarding sequence: 'A few steps, and then we start a pedal. One second. Few steps, and then we start a'pedaling. Dassit.'

Abbi · Ilana · Driver:Immediately after mounting the bikes with great ceremony, someone yells 'Fuck you!' at them from a car

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln's acrobatics at his graduation are revealed — apparently swinging/performing at graduation — Ilana screams: 'Circus, babe! Just be careful, though!'

Ilana · Lincoln's Friend:Ilana: 'I'm really a Miranda-Carrie, too, I think.' Lincoln's friend: 'Who am I?' / Ilana: 'Honey, I have a cyst on my uterus and I need to get fucked until it pops.' Friend: 'Samantha Jones.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln looks at the chain around Ilana's waist: 'What's up with that chain?' / Ilana: 'I lost the key.' / Lincoln: 'Ilana! Phone, keys, wallet. P-K-W.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana: 'I know. I repeat it all the time. I just dropped it in a sewer, okay?' / Lincoln: 'A sewer.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'You also look like a DMX video extra, I might add.' / Ilana: 'Thank you.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln offers to bail on his dinner plans to help with the chain. Ilana: 'You know, as a woman, I feel it's important to cast this chain off myself.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Do you know Steve Jobs stunk and cried all the time?' / Ilana: 'I did not.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sees a 'Men Working' construction sign and says 'Ugh, men working. A woman-free zone. Just another sign, literally, of women's oppression.' — until Abbi points out she's actually talking about the port-a-potty

Ilana:The port-a-potty is lifted by a truck while Ilana is inside it. Ilana: 'I am in the potty! There's someone in the potty!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'This is how I die. This is it. It's coming down!'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's chain gets caught as the port-a-potty is lowered, and she's dragged away on the back of the truck — Abbi realizes and runs after it: 'Ilana! Abbi! I mean, Ilana!'

Ilana:Ilana, hanging off the back of a truck, calls to a passerby: 'Nice ass!' Passerby: 'Yeah, I know!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi helps Ilana off the truck; Ilana: 'Let's get married.' Abbi: 'What?' Ilana: 'What? No, you said something.' Abbi: 'No.' Ilana: 'Okay.'

Ilana:Abbi reaches Ilana on the truck and helps her down; Ilana says: 'Let's get married.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi discovers Ilana has urinated on herself while being dragged. Ilana: 'I did.' / Abbi: 'Okay... It's okay. It'll dry. It's sterile.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Who cares about a stupid little tag? Artists aren't judged by what they wear. Look at Joss Stone. She's a genius and she's never even worn shoes.'

Ilana:Ilana at the gallery: 'Damn. I could have done that.' (re: the art) / 'Chain belt. V. bold. Enchanté.'

Max Anne · Ilana:Max Anne: 'I recognize you from Abbi's Instagram.' / Ilana: 'That means so much to me, thank you.'

Max Anne · Abbi · Ilana:Donna reveal: Donna was Max Anne's other roommate who stole all her clothes — including 'the sweater my grandmother made me.' / Abbi: 'Shut up.' / Max Anne: 'I mean, who steals clothes? Honestly? Trashy.' / Abbi: '...Trashy... Person.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'We gotta get this thing off me. She's gonna think I stole all her fucking clothes.' / 'My therapist is gonna have a field day.'

Ilana:Ilana attempts to bite the security tag off: 'You know what... My teeth. My teeth are huge, come on. Huge and sharp.'

Max Anne · Abbi · Ilana:Max Anne walks in on Ilana apparently biting Abbi's shirt while Abbi is wearing it — screams 'No!' and interprets it as Abbi stealing her clothes

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana are being literally chased out of the gallery; Ilana gets stuck on 'the balls' (presumably a sculpture or installation) and Abbi: 'Ilana... Get off the balls.'

Ilana · Abbi:'It is a magnet. Help me now.' / 'Use your upper body strength.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'It's hard for me not to feel sexual at all.' (while Abbi attempts to remove the chain from her waist)

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Ilana, can you just, like, suck your titties in a little bit?' / Ilana: 'If I had control over my titties like that, I'd make them the same size.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's attempt to remove the chain becomes increasingly strenuous — 'Come on, gravity, you fucking bitch!' — with dialogue ('Oh, my God! / God! / Jesus, Ab! / I'm trying... My hand's in. / Oh, it's happening. / Yes! / God! / Jesus!') escalating to apparent climax as the chain is removed

Ilana · Abbi:After the chain comes off with great effort and noise, Ilana: 'Tell me that isn't sexual.' / Abbi: 'You're bleeding, dude.'

Ilana:Oh, I guarantee I can identify my own butthole in a line up. 100%.

Ilana:Each one has a soul, an ass soul.

Abbi · Ilana:You can't talk to us like that. Yeah, we're your elders.

Ilana:The only way that you're gonna get to touch these boobs is if they graze the top of your head as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana actually play basketball against the harasser — and apparently win, scoring on him

Ilana:Tell your mom you got schooled by two women.

Abbi · Ilana:You know, I'm not even a huge macaroon girl, and churros are just, like, you know, hit or miss for me, but the combination of... / Too early.

Ilana:Just throw 'em on my tab. I'm gonna knock 'em all out at once.

Ilana:Ugh, love your leggings. And your legs. And your butt.

Ilana:Ugh, love your leggings — [gives away her churron to the woman]

Ilana:Your meals have given me like the healthiest shits of my life. It's like, dump out, flawless, dump out, flawless.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa... / Dude, I just said you're going to the doctor. / No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, yes, Gaga. / Yes.

Ilana:But here da damn 'tang. — Not for me. As me.

Ilana · Abbi:Not literally in my shoes, 'cause I'm a size five and... / Yeah, I understand. / Okay. I'm gonna just end it there. / Squished 11!

Ilana · Others at doctor's office waiting room:Yas, queen! / Yas, queen! / Again! Yas, queen! / I smell a duke! / Smell... smell a duke! / Nice pussy boot! / Nice pussy boot! / (high pitch) I love you, Abbi!

Ilana:Aww, what up, my babies! (lisping) Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee! / Rape culture sucks! Recognize!

Lincoln · Ilana:My Lincoln Towncar. / But this is a... A Prius, right? / Yeah, but I call it that because my name is Lincoln. And I'm gonna drive around town in my car. / (forcefully laughing)

Ilana:Ilana visibly laughing too hard at Lincoln's car pun — 'forcefully laughing'

Lincoln · Ilana:That's why I had Jaimé make you a... ginger blunt man! / Oh, my God! With real honey!

Lincoln · Ilana:Since when do you bite your nails? / I didn't even notice. I do it when I'm nervous. / You can't be nervous, you're my rock today.

Ilana · Lincoln:I need to be swaddled! / Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me, at least let me drive and give me road head. / Well, do you want to die and how does that even work?

Ilana · Lincoln:Road hand, whatever. / Just quit the pillow talk and get me off! / I'm driving!

Ilana:We are on the fast track to, like, caramel and queerdom. / Huh? / Sexuality is on a spectrum. It's like, we are just dancers in the dark, we're just shards.

Ilana:Smelling Abbi. [Ilana smelling Lincoln's shirt/something of Abbi's for comfort in the waiting room]

Nurse/Doctor · Ilana:You have to have all three shots for the HPV vaccine to even work. / I love my HPV.

Nurse · Ilana:I heard your parents are getting a divorce. / What?! Oh, (bleep)! / That's what I say to distract all the kids... / (bleep) shit! / When they're getting their shot. / That's what they say back to me.

Nurse · Ilana:Can you turn over, please? / [Ilana looks horrified] / I'm just kidding. / So gullible.

Ilana · Nurse:Ilana's horrified reaction — 'You're kidding.' — Nurse: 'Mm-hmm.'

Ilana · Nurse:You're kidding. / Mm-hmm.

Lincoln · Ilana:You still seem stressed. You want to blow off some steam? / You know, I'm technically Abbi today, so if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome.

Ilana · Lincoln:So you're telling me she jerked you off for eight minutes with what kind of oil? / Almond.

Ilana · Lincoln:Then you had sex doggy style, and who finished first? / I don't... / Tell me! / She did? / Oh!

Ilana · Lincoln:And then you spooned watching YouTube videos of news anchor fails. / Who was which spoon? / I was the little spoon!

Ilana:That is so (bleep) hot!

Ilana:♪ Huc-a-dangle, woo-hoo! ♪ [Ilana sings to herself in satisfaction]

Ilana · Lincoln:Thank you so much for telling me that, woo! We are a modern day Will and Jada. We are open sex friends. We are poly, we are bi. / I'm not bi.

Ilana:You're right, how do I know if I haven't truly tested my boundaries?

Ilana · Lincoln · Ilana:What if we tricked her into having a threesome? / People really shouldn't trick other people into having sex. / Whoa. / I've heard so many women say that, but when you say it, I really hear it.

Lincoln · Ilana:All right, penis kiss. / (car horn honking) (kissing sounds)

Ilana:Lincoln hooked up with another girl. She started by jerking him off with almond oil. She went slow but really tight squeeze...

Ilana · Lori:Guess I didn't read the fine print. — There it is, okay.

Ilana:Ilana shoots a basketball into a trash can from across the office, knocks something over, and announces herself with 'She shoots, she scores!'

Ilana · Todd:Ilana's work email is IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com and her boss Todd refuses to use it

Ilana · Todd:Todd: 'I e-mailed you last night in a very large, bold font, saying not to come in today.' Ilana: 'Did you e-mail IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com?' Todd: 'I refuse to use that e-mail address, you know that.'

Ilana:Ilana pitches her app ideas to Todd as 'a bazillion app ideas that some crusty old white douche would jizz his little pantsuit for'

Ilana · Todd:Ilana is wearing what is clearly a dog hoodie — it has ear holes in the hood — and insists it's from 'the dog owner's section of American Apparel'

Ilana:'Not the first time this has happened to me. Three other times.'

Ilana · Nicole:Nicole enters in sharp business attire. Ilana: 'Nic, fierce shoulder pads. Date night?' Nicole: 'No, the investor's coming. Todd just told you.' Ilana: 'Woof, baby brain.'

Ilana · Nicole:'Are you pregnant?' / 'No, are you?' / 'No.'

Ilana · Elizabeth Carlton:The investor Elizabeth Carlton walks in and Ilana greets her with 'Fuh-law-less bish!'

Elizabeth Carlton · Ilana:Elizabeth: 'This will foster a sense of equality.' Ilana: 'And you can call me Ilana. This will foster a sense of, um... You knowing my name.'

Ilana:Ilana clocks Carlton's blazer: 'TJ Maxx. 70% off. Maxxinista! Ay, Chihuahua!' followed by 'I don't know if I want to be her or be in here.'

Ilana · Elizabeth Carlton:Ilana asks Carlton to rub her back 'real fast and hard' after getting a chill

Ilana:Ilana explains what she finds viral online: 'Salad Fingers... It's this guy with romaine lettuce for fingers, and he rubs up all on this spoon like... Salad fingers.' Then describes it as 'early Randomcore.'

Ilana:Ilana references 'End of Ze World' and 'the Aicha kid' — the white kid with 'crispy gelled hair' doing a choreographed dance with a bean bag — then sings a fragment

Ilana:Ilana references 'The Aicha kid' — describes him as 'that white kid, skinny, crispy gelled hair' who does a choreographed dance with a bean bag — then performs the song herself

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi calls Ilana and asks if she can tweet one of Ilana's 'before' wax pics. Ilana: 'Which one? Neck?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana clocks that Abbi is at a competitive event from a phone call: 'I hear your teeth grinding through the phone. You're at a competitive event, aren't you?'

Ilana:'How dare you lie to your wife? I hear your teeth grinding through the phone. You're at a competitive event, aren't you?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana invokes: 'Ab-bi! August 4th. 2002. Camp Kweebec. Red Rover.' Abbi: 'I remember, Ilana. I remember everyone being so fucking jealous 'cause I beat them so fucking hard.'

Ilana:'I'm at the park where that dude sold my other sandal.'

Ilana · Elizabeth Carlton:Nicole/Ilana runs into the bathroom to hide/help; Ilana opens the stall as a tour: 'I just wanted to show you the bathroom, myself, personally.' Carlton: 'Thanks, I'm familiar.'

Ilana · Elizabeth Carlton · Todd:Ilana offers Carlton free sanitary napkins: 'If you need sanitary napkins or similar products, we give those away free here.' Carlton: 'I understand.' Ilana: 'My mom spotted well into her 60s.' Todd: 'Thanks, Todd.'

Ilana:Ilana tweets '50% off vibrators at Vibeland' from the company account as her first tweet, tags it as 'Soloplay, bb's' and gets 69 notifications

Ilana:Victory cut — '♪ I tweet ♪' — mirrors the '♪ I shit ♪' motif

Ilana:Ilana calls Abbi mid-competition and narrates her next tweet idea: 'Yankee Candle store, vanilla bean. BB&B, right when it opens. 8:00 a.m., you and the employees.'

Ilana:Ilana tells Abbi: 'You are all-caps Abbi right now. I need you to be case sensitive.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'This tweet will be my Ms. 'Olland's Opus.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'I'm gonna sprint home right now.' Abbi: 'To Queens?' Ilana: 'Yeah, you want to race me?' Abbi: 'I'm not going to Queens...'

Todd · Ilana:Todd: 'You tweeted an extremely graphic bestiality video.' Ilana: 'Todd, it's Mr. Hands. It's a staple of early digital culture. Talk about viral. Google it.'

Ilana:Ilana corrects the bestiality record: 'And if you did your homework, Todd, you would know that the horse was fucking the guy. It's chill!'

Todd · Ilana:The overlapping firing argument where both Todd and Ilana are simultaneously making competing cases to an empty room, talking over each other: 'I have put my blood, sweat... / You make all the other employees uncomfortable / ...And farts into this company.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I am strong, and you are fired.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'This is just the white man holding on to the last nugget of his power.' / 'You white dudes are figuring out that the jig is fucking up!'

Ilana · Todd:'I'm gonna go talk to Mom!' — then Todd's 'Oh, you are absolutely fired, effective immediately.'

Ilana:Ilana tells Todd: 'You're right, it's time to change. And I figured it out. I want to be... in you.'

Ilana:Ilana's farewell tour: addressing individual coworkers by their physical descriptors — 'White Guy Number Seven,' 'White Guy Number Three' (who started the man bun trend), 'Adult Braces' (who corrects her that he got them off seven months ago)

Ilana · Employee:Employee corrects: 'I got those off seven months ago.' Ilana: 'Would you rather I go back to Only Black Guy?'

Ilana:Ilana leaves the office fish behind 'because I really do believe in corporate morale.'

Ilana:Ilana leaves her desk plant at the office: 'I'm leaving him here because I really do believe in corporate morale.'

Ilana:'Day 511... It ends. I'm free. You know what? I'm gonna unfollow Deals, Deals, Deals.'

Ilana · Abbi:The company's Twitter apology tweet: 'We sincerely apologize for our last tweet. It was posted by a former employee who suffers from mental health issues.' Ilana: 'We all do.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana insists: 'The horse was fucking the guy. It's honestly not that bad.' / 'It's not as bad as if a human was fucking the animal. That's all. That's all.' / 'I think everyone agrees, on that. Right?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'That was the worst job in the world, don't even worry about it.' Ilana: 'I know, fuck them.' Abbi: 'Let's just forget all our flaws, 'cause today was a total fluke.' Ilana: 'Yeah, well, I wish I could forget, like, my hunger for competition, but it's like... It's online, so, like, I can't.'

Abbi · Ilana:Online Red Rover: 'Red Rover, Red Rover, send Abbi right over!' — Abbi charges through a digital barrier — 'Oh, she's biting me!' / 'Arms up! Breathe, breathe... Shh...' / 'She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!'

Abbi · Ilana:The episode ends with Abbi playing online Red Rover and physically attacking someone through her phone screen — 'She's biting me! She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!'

Ilana:Ilana says 'Rata hijueputa' (Colombian Spanish: 'rat son of a bitch') then immediately adds 'Kinda sexy.'

Ilana:Ilana yells 'Weed thief!' at the rat (implied the rat ate/stole her weed).

Abbi · Ilana · Exterminator:Exterminator says '$400.' Abbi and Ilana react with shock, then man says 'I'm gonna have to sell my sperm again.'

Abbi · Ilana:Gift basket labeled 'Larry and David' arrives — the name clearly evoking Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana asks Abbi about her nice dress: 'Hot date later? Is he black?'

Ilana:Ilana introduces 'kom-booze-cha' — her word for alcoholic kombucha — then immediately says 'Don't steal that, though. I came up with it.'

Ilana:Ilana excitedly catalogs the gift basket: 'Olive oil? Sea salt crackers? Baklava?! This is the most beautiful basket I've ever seen, and I grew up on Long Island. They had shivas for days, literally.'

Ilana:Ilana concludes the basket is from her parents who haven't spoken to her since she came out, calling the olive oil 'an olive branch, literally' then adds 'Dur, there's olive tapenade in here. I mean, double dur.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Larry and David? That's two men, right?' — beginning to misread the gift basket as being from a gay couple, not her parents.

Abbi · Ilana:'Sometimes we are so smart, Ilana, I am scared of what we are truly capable of.' — Abbi, after their obvious party idea.

Ilana:Phone call: Ilana describes the gift basket as 'insahn' — her idiosyncratic pronunciation/intensifier for 'insane.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana answers phone mid-scene: 'Can you steal tampons, too?' and her friend starts bleeding — Ilana's immediate response is 'Dur, that's why I need the tampons.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I can't believe that diseased little rat chewed through my favorite period panties.' Ilana: 'Panty-eating rat perv.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi asks Ilana if she can be her 'Head Chef' for the party — delivered as if asking to be best man at a wedding.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi quotes 'With great power comes great responsibility' and attributes it to Teddy Roosevelt. Ilana corrects: 'Spider-Man.' Abbi: 'Even better.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I don't know! It was like I hated a part of myself. Now I only hate my cankles.'

Ilana · Abbi:After Ilana says she needs to make out with someone, Abbi offers herself, then Ilana specifies 'someone who's attracted to women.' Then: 'Abbi, just so you know, every guy here's gonna be, like, a four-plus on the Kinsey scale.' / 'Gay.' / 'I know, that's why this gal joined Tinder.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'You must be très horny.' Abbi: 'I'm not Trey anything, Ilana... what?' Ilana: 'Okay, I won't show off my French, Abbi.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana mentions she gave Tinder dates this address 'so if they come back to chop you up, you're not even here.' Abbi: 'Yeah... Wait, what?'

Ilana:Ilana accidentally compliments a partygoer's 'money' instead of 'outfit': 'Love your money... outfit.'

Ilana:Rat sighting mid-party: 'Rat Bastard!'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana tells Lincoln they need to distract guests from the rat: 'I need you to create a dish so good, so élégante, that the party is distracted and I can catch this fat-ass rat-ass myself.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'This restaurant would definitely rate a "C" on the New York Sanitation Department scale.' Then upgrades to 'Actually, it would be a grade "D" 'cause of that moth larvae all over the ceiling.' Ilana: 'Yeah, I can't find the source.'

Ilana · Tadd:Tadd 26 arrives. Ilana: 'This is a really good photo of you.' Beat. 'It's almost too good, though.'

Ilana · Abbi · Tinder Date:A Tinder date turns out to be much older than his profile photo. Ilana: 'You thought a young Denzel Washington was gonna show up for your Tinder date?'

Ilana:'You thought a young Denzel Washington was gonna show up for your Tinder date?'

Ilana:Ilana needs a cat to catch the rat and has 'borrowed' the bodega cat: 'Jellicle Cat, I need you to find and kill this ballsack, Rat Bastard.'

Ilana:On the borrowed cat's gender: 'Or her. Hm, what you? Well, I kinda hope it's a guy because there's literally zero good guys here.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Come on, Jellicle Cat, scheme, make some fucking trouble. Like, Tom and Jerry.' Then immediately: 'Oh, my God, the media, reducing even cats to a stereotype. See, I have to remember, I am the problem.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana stall the delivery man: 'We really wanna get in there, but we used our willpower.' — Ilana chimes in: 'No, no, we just made out.'

Ilana · Abbi:The Larry and David misunderstanding resolves: Ilana assumed the basket was from a gay couple. Corrected: 'Larry and David are brothers.' Ilana: 'Ew.'

Ilana:Ilana chases the rat to the bathroom — it turns out to be a mother rat with babies. Ilana: 'She's a single gal just looking to raise her kids in a safe home. She's me!'

Ilana · Abbi:'That's what she said.' / 'That's something Trey would say.' / 'Oh my God, totally.'

Ilana · Delivery Man:Ilana sends the delivery man away with instructions to claim the basket was stolen: 'It's been fun. We're a great team.' He agrees enthusiastically.

Ilana:'May God, She bless us. Every one.'

Jaimé · Ilana:Jaimé: 'Ilana, I don't want to do your bacne anymore.' Ilana: 'What?' / Jaimé: 'I'm sorry, it's just not my thing. You should see a dermatologist.' Ilana: 'Would you mind just doing one last one, the middle... massive middle back.'

Jaimé · Ilana:Jaimé's cultural appropriation speech: 'There is something you do that I see a lot of white people do... you know those earrings that say "Latina"? They look beautiful on you. But you not Latina anymore.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana brainstorming inventions, already at 59 ideas, treating this as serious genius work

Abbi · Ilana:'GIF' pronunciation debate — 'I know, but I am not doing that.' / 'No, it's disgusting.'

Abbi · Ilana:'A gynecologist that's also a bikini waxer.' / 'That is a literal one-stop pussy shop.'

Abbi · Ilana:'I think we might actually be literal geniuses.' / 'Oh, we for sure are geniuses.'

Ilana · Abbi:'A skateboard, with a handle.' / 'That's, like, a scooter.'

Ilana:'Derr. Derr, derr, derr, derr.' — Ilana mocking herself after the scooter revelation

Ilana:'Swimmers have, like, hard pubes and shriveled dicks.'

Ilana:'For me, it's wrestlers, gymnasts... jockeys, bay-bay! I would ride those tiny jacked little bodies. It's like me, but, like, a boy.'

Ilana:DMV buildup: 'V, V, V...' — Ilana can't even say the word

Ilana:'In the span of your whole lifetime, it's a second. But in reality, it'll be, like, 12 hours.'

Ilana · Abbi:'With that ass?' / 'They don't let you put your ass in the photo.' / 'They really should.'

Ilana · Abbi:'I know you from your ass better than I know your face.' / 'You know me from my ass better than you know me from my face?' / 'Yep, and hearing it said back to me slower only validates it more.'

Ilana:'I applied for over three jobs and haven't gotten any. Today is all about that hustle.'

Ilana:Ilana's lip color: 'I found it, it was a rescue. There was more than half left, so I cut the top off.'

Ilana:Ilana's subway performance speech: 'I've fallen on hard times. After graduating from NYU, I lost my job at an Internet startup. Deals, Deals, Deals. Check 'em out, I bear them no ill will.'

Ilana:Ilana performs on the subway — the act itself (inferred: some kind of flip or stunt) earns actual money from commuters

Eliot · Ilana:Eliot reveals he was filming Ilana for his Tumblr: 'Q Believe This Idiot. Tumblr.com'

Ilana:Ilana offers to 'get a better one' for Eliot's humiliation Tumblr

Ilana · Eliot:'You not listening to me about this is homophobic.' / 'It is?' / 'No, it's not, but get a job.'

Ilana:'I knew you were right before I did the flip.'

Ilana · Agency Manager:Ilana begging the temp agency: 'Come on... you're a temp agency. Look, I've asked you three times. Just please leave.' / 'I can't, I need a job.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:The manager lists why she can't help Ilana: 'The Chinese food? I was hungry. The plane tickets? I was thirsty. The door? I did not know it was a door.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:'Is it supposed to take more than three days to heat up a potato?' / 'I don't think so.' / 'See? Everything in my life is broken.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:'Plus, I'm two months pregnant.' / 'Two?!' / 'Yeah.' / 'I probably shouldn't even be telling people yet.'

Agency Manager · Ilana:Ilana ends up lying on the floor comforting the manager: 'Will you just come lay with me? Just... hold my hand?'

Agency Manager · Ilana:'Maybe I should just chuck it all and start over.' / 'Do you know of any good jobs?' / 'No...' / 'Do you?'

Ilana:'Ass, ass, ass, ass.' — Ilana chanting as Abbi begins bike messengering

Ilana · Passerby:First package delivery — Ilana throws it to the person across the street, who catches it: 'This isn't for me!' / 'Oh, yes it is!' / 'How did she do that?'

Ilana:'My ass is v. sore, but that's what you get when you're BM queen. I mean it both ways.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi riding on Ilana's bike messenger bike, Ilana singing: '♪ There she is / The most beautiful girl in the world ♪' while apparently crashing immediately

Ilana · Campaign Staffer:Ilana asks if they're hiring at Hillary Clinton's campaign HQ — immediately gets a job after showing her resumé on her photo stream

Ilana · Clinton HQ Staffer:'Are you guys hiring?' 'Do you have a CV?' 'A... coconut vice?' 'A resumé?' 'Oh. Um, it is saved on my photo stream for cases like this.'

Ilana · Campaign Staffer:'Just don't swipe right.' / 'I just accidentally swiped right.'

Campaign Staffer · Ilana:'You should probably see a doctor about that rash.' / 'I know what it is, I'm just tracking the progress, thank you so much.'

Ilana:'Ilana Wexler and Hillary Clinton? Two powerful whomen whorking as whone?'

Volunteer · Campaign Staffer · Ilana:'Do people seriously ask this stuff?' / 'Every day.' / 'Every day!'

Ilana:'Pweeze, Mr. Cwusty Old White Man, can I pweeze keep my ovawies?'

Campaign Staffer · Ilana:Campaign manager asks if that was a personal call. 'No. Uh, this woman was bovo'ing out 'cause she didn't know where to vote and I was like, I got you.'

Ilana:'Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Hillary Rodham Clinton.' / 'No, she's not a witch.' / 'Um... Do I sound like her?'

Ilana · Campaign Staffer:Ilana has made herself business cards: 'Communications Liaison for Hillary Clinton, Future Presidentress of the United States'

Campaign Staffer · Ilana:'We know how to reach you, you're just right here.' / 'Fantastic, Barb. You do not go unnoticed. Know that.'

Ilana:'Riding me.' — Ilana's response to the staffer saying she's 'on top of her shit'

Ilana:'Hello? Yes, hello, gentle patriot. I'm calling on behalf of Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton, first and only mother of Chelsea and Socks.'

Ilana:Ilana's long silent pause after being told she's a volunteer, then '...Okay'

Ilana:Ilana takes Abbi on a tour of the Clinton HQ as if it's a monument: 'She's worked in here. She's walked on these floors. She's... breathed this air.'

Ilana:'That's my former desk.' / 'This is my former chair.' / 'This is the former leaning column. Sort of talk about big stuff that's going on, domestic, international. Very casual.'

Ilana · Hillary Clinton:Ilana meets Hillary Clinton — her reaction is a series of disconnected words and hyperventilating

Ilana:Ilana introduces herself to Hillary: 'Abbi. Hello. Proud demo. Crat. College! Aquarius. I pegged... Secretary Clinton.'

Ilana · Abbi's Dad:Ilana squished in the back seat complaining, then learning it's a timeshare car owned by Dad, Larry G., Duckbutter, and Bobby G.

Ilana:Ilana says 'I am rock hard that I'm gonna see your childhood bedroom, Ab. It is so important for a relationship to see a boyfriend's roots' — then immediately corrects 'boyfriend' to 'friend'

Abbi · Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Dad converting Abbi's bedroom into an infrared sauna; Ilana calls it 'So GOOP'

Ilana · Abbi · Abbi's Dad:Ilana suggests a V-steam; Dad doesn't know what it is; Ilana clarifies: 'Um, vagina.' Abbi: 'Love talking about vaginas with my dad.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana enters Abbi's room: 'Oh, such an only child's room.' Abbi: 'There's two TVs.' 'It was just so I could stay on top of news stories.' 'Yeah, news about what was happening with Ross and Rachel.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'It's the Holocaust Museum of Abbi Abrams!' then immediately backpedals: 'I just... my family only went to Holocaust Museums as a kid.'

Ilana:Ilana breaks into the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song in response to being near Philadelphia

Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Abbi's dad pulls out his old jam band gear and starts rattling off band names: 'Phish, RatDog, Dark Star, Disco Biscuits, String Cheese Incident' — Ilana responds 'Dirt Star, man. The white slave rebellion, man.'

Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Dad tosses a bag of his old dreadlocks at Ilana; she screams

Ilana:The dreadlocks smell 'so much more than the pictures' and specifically 'like pepperoni'

Ilana:Ilana discovers a first-edition JonBenét Ramsey commemorative Beanie Baby and immediately panics/celebrates: 'This is more rare than the Princess Diana. I ran for this. My heart stopped.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You have to be aware of the fluctuations in the Beanie Baby market. I say it all the time.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Look at me, I'm fully engorged.' Abbi: 'Ilana, come on.' Ilana: 'I'm not sexually aroused, I'm fiscally aroused.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'The Beanie boards are gonna light up tonight, baby!'

Ilana:Ilana talks to the JonBenét Beanie Baby: 'You're a star.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi reveals she raised $900 for Alice Ackerman's accident fund from a dance-a-thon — then: 'Amazing that I fucking never gave her the money.'

Abbi · Ilana:Alice's accident was on a Saturday — Ilana: 'Shabbat.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You know, it totally makes perfect sense, typical Abbi.' as if not giving a friend accident money is a pattern

Ilana:Ilana: 'I heard mushrooms can affect your memory and your sex drive, right?' then immediately: 'Where am I? I'm just kidding.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'She's probably horribly disfigured. Maybe it's about time there's an elephant woman.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'You know, you don't need to wear a helmet.' Ilana: 'I am a very good driver.' Abbi: 'It is insane that you drive a car with no doors.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Dude, I don't carry cash.' (with obvious air quotes) — then immediately suggests using the Alice fund money for bowling shoes

Abbi · Ilana:The Alice fund logic: 'We're using her money to get her the money.' — 'Exactly.' — 'Exactly.' — 'Okay that makes total sense.' — 'Total sense.' — 'So we have to.' — 'Have to, must.'

Ilana:Ilana's shoe size is 4-4.5

Ilana:Ilana checks eBay and discovers it's the 20th anniversary of JonBenét's death, causing the Beanie Baby price to spike

Ilana:Ilana on the phone doing serious Beanie Baby negotiation: 'You should be honored. I'm wasting my time with a yellow star user? I'm a turquoise power seller, bitch.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Yeah, I know what happened five years ago in Miami. You think I'm a fucking idiot? You think I'm MrBubbles9560?'

Ilana:Ilana speaks Mandarin to the shoe guy, explains it as 'Yiddish Mandarin I picked up from my mom'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's car battery is dead

Ilana:Ilana approaches teenagers: 'Hey, what up, my peers?' and negotiates a ride by offering to buy them liquor

Teen Driver · Ilana:Teen: 'Will Smith's dad used to make him build a brick wall every summer from scratch just because.' Ilana: 'That's hot.'

Ilana:A dog steals the JonBenét Beanie Baby and runs; Ilana screams 'Hey! Our equity!'

Ilana:Ilana offers to split the money with the dog: 'Come on, we'll split the money!'

Abbi · Ilana:They recover the Beanie Baby using Abbi's dad's dreadlocks as bait because they 'stunk like meat'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Later, bitch' to JonBenét after recovering the Beanie Baby from the dog

Ilana · Alice:Ilana tries to defend Abbi by offering the JonBenét Beanie Baby as compensation: 'This extremely valuable first edition commemorative JonBenét Ramsey Beanie Baby.' Alice: 'That's a Beanie Baby of a dead girl. That's disgusting.'

Ilana:Ilana, as they're being thrown out: 'That Beanie Baby was worth over $13,000 depending on the strength of the yen.'

Ilana:Not his bio father, his daddi with an 'I'.

Ilana:I'm gonna sublet my apartment on BnBNYC, so I can make some money 'cause I don't have a jerb right now.