Just The Tips

Abbi:If I had a key, I would go in there like every morning and read the whole paper with a coffee or, like, an Oprah chai.

Ilana:If I had a key, I'd just grow some fucking weed.

Abbi:Dude, that is genius. Rich people never get caught.

Ilana:She knows the Heimlich. She knows it now. She took a course!

Park Woman:How can I ever repay you for saving my life?

Park Woman · Abbi:You have to have a key to come in. You have one.

Ilana:Shrug? Sometimes, I literally hate... humanity.

Ilana:This rich baby doesn't know how to eat.

Abbi · Ilana:You are like a Colombian drug lord. That's not gonna work now.

Abbi:I worked seven double-shifts in a row.

Abbi:A king for two queens, bitch!

Ilana:Speaking of orgies, I need to go put on my penis cream.

Abbi · Ilana:Do you need any help? Again, I do not think that's appropriate, Ilana.

Mike:I think it's my chest hair. Here. Let me... I got it.

Abbi:Yeah. Like, on your chest.

Bevers:Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, but, uh, who da' fresh man meant?

Ilana:I haven't had my ears candled in a while, but it sounded to me like he gave you multiples.

Abbi · Ilana:Okay, were you listening to us have sex? Yeah. Just listening.

Abbi · Ilana:But I also think that's really about me knowing my body. Yeah, I've noticed that too and I'm proud of you.

Ilana:God, it is so moist in this bed.

Bevers · Mike:I'm Matthew Bevers, I'm Abbi's roommate. Oh, hey, um... Mike, I heard.

Abbi:Abbi's emphatic 'Out!' — presumably accompanied by a pointed gesture ejecting Bevers from the room.

Nail Salon Worker:These feet. Very badly abused. 'Ballerina feet.' Just shave the sides off a little and slap on some color. Don't be afraid to really grind with that pumice.

Nail Salon Worker:Nails not much better. Thin, baby nails. Are you working class?

Ilana:I'll have what she's having.

Ilana:Money is no object... for me, although, I appreciate a good laugh.

Abbi:♪ White guilt, white guilt / White guilt ♪

Unknown Speaker (overheard):And I realized that a clit looks a lot like a swoosh. And that's how the logo was born. People don't even realize they're walking around with clits all over their shoes.

Abbi:I'm just, like, that kinda gal, you know? Woman... girl. Woman... you know what? It's not about me.

Abbi · Coworker:Do you wanna get back to the clit talk? No, we're... we're kinda past that, Abbi.

Ilana · Eliot:Do you have a harness in this size? / Can you remind me again why you asked me to meet you at what turned out to be a sex store? / Because I need a second opinion on a new leotard.

Ilana · Eliot:Ilana meets Eliot at what she told him was a 'leotard shop' — it's actually a sex store

Eliot · Ilana · Eliot:Why don't you ask Jaimé? / Gays are not interchangeable, Eliot. Don't be a fucking homophobe. / I'm gay.

Eliot · Ilana:Okay, fine. Your boobs look... b... bountiful. Or whatever, I don't know. / Delicious. / Thank you.

Ilana · Eliot:You wanna come to a sick-ass party tonight? / I don't even know [whose it is]. I just clicked on it on Facebook 'cause I need a freakin' place to flaunt my wealth and my body.

Abbi:No, you hang up first. No, you! No, y... Mike? Hello?

Ilana:Did somebody order a hot, rich cunt?

Ilana:Ooh, neck hair.

Jaimé:You know how I have a gorgeous, uncircumcised penis?

Jaimé:Circumcision exposes the penile head decreasing sensitivity over time. The tip becomes calloused, leaving cut penises with, like, five percent of the pleasure experienced by intact men. Pullback gang all damn day. Every day.

Jaimé:Because of my particular PH balance, I am prone... I prone to having the yeasty infections. He has one now. That's why I'm wearing this skirt.

Jaimé:I know I 'look good,' but I don't feel sexy.

Guy at Party · Abbi:That's the one football game I watched. God, you're cute as shit. / Oh, thanks. / You wanna smash later?

Random man · Abbi:Man at party to Abbi: 'You wanna smash later?' Abbi declines. Man: 'Waste of two minutes.'

Abbi:Waste of two minutes.

Ilana:That's what happens when you're taken. Everybody can smell your pheromones spraying off your mons pubis.

Ilana · Abbi:It was just the tips. / Ilana, those are dangerous. / Oh, but they do come in handy.

Ilana:All right, the service in here is terrible. Swear to God, train service and cell service has been terrible since we became a fascist state.

Ilana:You know what? I'm gonna work my death drops.

Abbi:No, I'm so sorry. I just... I heard you crying. Uh, are you okay?

Abbi · Crying woman:Abbi finds a woman crying in a bathroom at the party. The woman's reason: husband is having marital problems.

Abbi · Crying woman:Abbi walks into a bathroom and discovers someone crying — startled reaction: 'Jesus!'

Abbi:Relationships are tough, take it from me.

Lincoln · Ilana:You look good too. You look like a video girl. / Woman. / Video gi... You look good.

Lincoln · Ilana · Steph:Steph, this is Ilana. Ilana, this is my girlfriend, Steph. / Oh... / No... / ♪ Oh, no, oh, no... ♪ / Oh! / Catch up with you later.

Ilana:Abbi, I just saw Lincoln and then I met his girlfriend and I shit myself from a sphincter-quivering, pelvic-floor-loosening, socially lethal combination of cheese, champagne, and cocaine. I need some working fingers in the bathroom pronto before I Edward Scissors-ass my ass.

Ilana:Hey, this is Abbi. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone, probably with my boyfriend, Mike. We're in a relationship. We're probably... Okay. Thanks for nothing.

Ilana · Abbi:In use! / Ilana, it's me.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, hey. / Hey, did you shit your leotard? / No.

Abbi · Ilana:How'd you know? / I know that face anywhere. That face is saying, 'I'm shitting my leotard.' Also, it really smells like shit in here.

Ilana:It's just distinct. It smells how it's supposed to smell.

Jaimé:Like I said, I'm open to the idea of circumcision. You know, Damien, I just love the full sensitivity to my penis. An orgasm for me is like a full-body experience — my body fills up with fire and then I just jump into a glacier that's broken up just for me.

Damien:You know the little basketball hoops that are in the kiddie pool for the kids? Yeah, so I'm dunking on it. Pow! Slam dunk! Wet. And it feels great.

Abbi:That's what Mike and I do, and we're great.

Abbi:Well... it... but our connection is like super powerful. It's like we've known each other for, like, three months, four months.

Crying Woman · Abbi:Where's he from? / From Ohio. / Or is it Iowa? Somewhere...

Abbi:Abbi: 'It's not that funny.' — as the crying woman continues to laugh hysterically at Abbi's six-day relationship.

Crying Woman:Oh, my God. You're not in a relationship, you're literally sleeping with a stranger. You won't even know for, like, years, if you even get that far.

Crying Woman · Abbi:You're such a fucking idiot. / I'm sorry. Oh, my God! / Okay. / Oh, my God. Thank you. I really needed that. / You moron. Six days! / Okay. / It's not that funny.

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana to Lincoln: 'Steph seems really nice... I hope you guys are making each other orgasm a lot.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Sorry you had to see me like this. / You're lucky you got out when you did, brother. I am a rich, disgusting monster.

Ilana:Yeah, what I just did when you closed your eyes made it worse. Much, much, much worse. It became a medical issue.

Lincoln:There's only one Ilana Wexler.

Abbi:Someone recently told me that I'm not a relationship person, so I think I just dove into this too fast. I just wanna make sure you know it's me and not you.

Mike · Abbi:Oh, well, yeah. It's only been six days. I didn't realize we were being exclusive. / What? / Well, I've been sleeping with a couple people.

Abbi · Mike:Okay, well, I guess there's nothing more to say unless you have something to say. / I lost the heartbeat!

Abbi:Abbi: 'I lost the heartbeat!' — after being told Mike was sleeping with other people.

Ilana · Abbi:How'd it go? / I... I let him down easy. Yeah, it was tough. / Good girl. / Yeah.

Ilana · Jaimé:But I can't stuff my tips into my empty heart. / I think it is time for me to lose my tip too. / It's like they're leaving office all over again.

Abbi:Abbi: 'I don't have, um, a like... a tip metaphor for me, personally, for today.'

Abbi:Maybe I'm not a relationship girl, you know? Maybe I'm not not one, either. Like, maybe I'm just figuring it all out.