Lincoln

Lincoln:Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet and it's pretty good. It's been working.

Lincoln:That's what white people do, that dog thing. Black people don't make out with dogs.

Lincoln · Ilana:Abbi sent me a Facebook invite to her gallery debut. Do you... look... crazy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I do.

Lincoln:I got, like, six cavities.

Lincoln:Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise. You need to do your brain kegels.

Lincoln · Abbi:They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them. Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln, just get a dog. / Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog the crazy life of a dentist.

Lincoln:She didn't even say 'bye, Lincoln.' That takes one more second. People have no phone etiquette these days.

Lincoln:I was so worried, I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake.

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln, just get a dog. Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog the crazy life of a dentist.

Lincoln:She didn't even say 'bye, Lincoln.' That takes one second more. People have no phone etiquette these days.

Lincoln · Ilana:What's up, dude? They just found a dead girl on Riker's Island. Was it Abbi? Oh, no, no, no. Abbi's fine, I've been with her all day.

Lincoln:What? Why didn't you tell me? I was worried, Abbi's my friend too. I was so worried, I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake.

Lincoln:I was so worried, I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake. I'm really sorry. You know, I got another cake cooking. You can come over and we can eat it. Or just smash our faces into it.

Lincoln · Ilana:All right, so it is time for us to do it. / Okay, wait, I want to watch. / I know you do, 'cause you're a naughty little girl.

Lincoln · Ilana:Oh, man. Uh-oh, someone's making a cake mess. You know what's good for that? Is if you just get a napkin or a paper towel, or a thick napkin... Oh, my God. It's just... Please stop. Thanks.

Lincoln:Goodbye. Bye! And learn Settlers of Catan. It's honestly not that hard.

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln tells Ilana he has a 'man crush' on Jeremy; Ilana agrees: 'Jeremy has amazing teeth.'

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana · Lincoln:The under-25 surcharge revelation, followed by Lincoln's credit card reveal as 'not a sugar daddy thing, just an old established guy paying for his younger friend he has sex with'

Lincoln:'Oh... okay. Gotta love that transitions insurance.'

Lincoln · Kevin:'I'm not gettin' married until everyone can get married.' [pause] 'Why did you look at me when you said everyone?'

Lincoln · Kevin:Kevin's dawning coming-out: 'You gay, man.' / 'Oh yeah, I am. I'm totally gay. I got it now. I got what you mean.'

Lincoln:Lincoln's admission that he was uncomfortable being Abbi's wedding date, but now that she's not coming, he's bummed — and that makes him uncomfortable in a different way

Lincoln · Abbi:Lincoln initiates a full wedding-style dance routine alone on the highway after Abbi asks about 'the rest of the dance'

Lincoln:'What's painfully ironic about this is that I love weddings the most.'

Lincoln:Lincoln doing a full dance routine alone by the broken-down truck

Mary · Lincoln:Flat tire insurance confrontation: 'If you wanted flat tires covered, you should have asked for flat tires. I'm not a mind-reader.'

Lincoln · Mary:Lincoln's Idris Elba standoff with the car rental agent Mary

Lincoln:'Wait, are we talking Luther or the Wire?'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana admits to Lincoln: 'your dentist and I have been having sexual intercourse on the regular for about five months' — Lincoln: 'Ilana, it's been a year and a half!'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln, watching TV in the waiting room, objects that the one Black character was killed off. Ilana responds 'I don't think these drugs are working, you guys.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln breaks the fourth wall on Ilana's gum-fetish lie: 'No, you were here the entire time, you saw... everything.' Followed by Ilana doing a baby voice: 'I am just gwad my wittle baby's awive.'

Lincoln:Lincoln, after his pharma rant: 'Uh, but, really, I can handle it.' — delivered in a completely changed, sheepish register.

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana has put Abbi in a meditation pose with candles as 'How To With Dr. Whiz' while Abbi is post-surgery and Lincoln's reaction is: 'I would think that you could surmise from my initial reaction that she doesn't [look gorgeous].'

Lincoln:I would think that you could surmise from my initial reaction that she doesn't.

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana propositions Lincoln: 'You wanna show me your old LL Cool J, your Lincoln Log?' Lincoln refuses. Ilana offers: 'I'll show you my tah-tahs.' Lincoln: 'Yes. Yes! Show me your penis.'

Lincoln · Ilana:No! / I'll show you my tah-tahs. / Yes. Yes! / Show me your penis.

Lincoln:Lincoln observes Ilana's body art: 'Man, I hate to see it, but you got boyfriend penis, bro.'

Ilana · Lincoln · Abbi:Ilana has drawn a torso-face and Abbi, Lincoln, and Ilana try to figure out who it is. Extended bit where nobody knows, culminating in: 'Maybe Abbi'll know.'

Lincoln:Lincoln on the torso drawing: 'I'm guessing an old person 'cause the eyes are low and swinging and drooping, but in a way that makes me hard. I never thought that an old people face would make me hard.'

Lincoln:Lincoln, after the crisis: 'I feel like an old-timey doctor right now making house calls. I should get an apothecary bag, right? Oh, my God, I am so horny right now, it hurts.'

Lincoln:Lincoln claims to have 'just done the worm' at the party; when challenged, he demonstrates a version where he 'barely moves'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln does 'pec jumps' (makes his pectoral muscles bounce individually) and Ilana gasps and says 'Do that again'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana commands Lincoln: 'Can you worm us there?' — and he does the worm across the party toward the snacks

Lincoln · Trey:Lincoln improvises: 'Hello, hello, this is Dr. Rotreiller, MD.' / Trey: 'Are you a specialist?' / Lincoln: 'I'm more of a general jack-of-all-trades style doctor.'

Trey · Lincoln:Trey: 'Sorry, no offense, are you a nurse or are you a real doctor?' / Lincoln: 'I, uh... they're calling me. I gotta go get the worm... is... taken out.'

Lincoln:Lincoln's 'trust fall' into a stranger's arms at a party — 'Ready to fall.' (Guests) 'Fall away.' 'Falling.'

Lincoln:After the trust fall, Lincoln clarifies: 'I'm a dentist, not a doctor. I don't know how to deal with high-pressure situations.'

Lincoln · others:Lincoln does a 'black Irish goodbye' — apparently just vanishes from a conversation without warning, and this is a known behavior

Lincoln:"Cold paws is a very serious disease in the chihuahua community. Poor toe circulation. It's the number-one killer of chihuahuas."

Lincoln:'Cold paws is a very serious disease in the chihuahua community. Poor toe circulation. It's the number-one killer of chihuahuas.'

Lincoln:"I've never been to a dog wedding before, but I'd get married here in a second. Hey, don't tell Ilana I said that."

Event Coordinator/Monica · Lincoln:"Ordinarily, I would not say this, but they're dogs. / Well, you just lost one star on dog Yelp."

Ilana · Lincoln:The dog identifies Abbi's scent on Ilana's repurposed shirt — 'This was once Abbi's shirt that I re-purposed to make cooler. Come on, boy, that's her scent.' / 'She's a girl.' / 'Oh. We'll treat her differently, then.'

Lincoln · Abbi · Lincoln:"I'm practically a doctor." / "But you're not." / "I am a doctor, and I have a lot of experience with sprains and breaks." / "No offense, but it's more like you drain fluid from their butt sacks."

Lincoln:"Look, the truth about cats and dogs is..." — Lincoln starts a movie-title setup that's immediately cut off

Abbi · Lincoln:The wedding ring conversation — 'You'll get them when the swelling goes down.' / '48 hours.' / 'In about one to two weeks.'

Eliot · Ilana · Lincoln:"So I guess we're related now. / Can in-laws hook up? / Yeah, it's like soft incest. / Whoa, that's so royal."

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'I bet every guy on this boat is into annas with bananas' / 'Denises the penises. Gals with dongs, bro.'

Lincoln · Jaime:Lincoln pranks Jaime: 'Hey, cheers to you for becoming a citizen, and also to me — this is my first time on a boat.' / Jaime: 'No, prank, man. I'm a well-to-do dentist, of course I've been on a boat before.'

Jaime · Lincoln:Jaime's elaborate fake Latin American cheers ceremony: 'That is how we cheers in Latin America.' / Lincoln: 'Really?' / Jaime: 'No, man, prank, bitch.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'Open your eyes, man. Shakira is Spicy Spice.' / Ilana: 'Oh my God. You're a genius.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'We were looking everywhere for you. Except, we forgot to look for you.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'Ow, my dick. It's too romantic, I'm sorry. Ah, we just had sex. It's still sore. I'm in my refractory period, you gotta let me rebuild.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'I'm sorry, I'm too hung over. My eyes can't focus on a fixed point right now.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln calls — Ilana takes the call and asks him to 'say something filthy' before answering his actual question about whether she forgot his graduation

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln's acrobatics at his graduation are revealed — apparently swinging/performing at graduation — Ilana screams: 'Circus, babe! Just be careful, though!'

Lincoln:Lincoln explains he did his stunt 'because I saw it on an episode of Sex & the City. The Miranda in me thought, I'm out of my comfort zone, but the Carrie in me couldn't resist.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln looks at the chain around Ilana's waist: 'What's up with that chain?' / Ilana: 'I lost the key.' / Lincoln: 'Ilana! Phone, keys, wallet. P-K-W.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana: 'I know. I repeat it all the time. I just dropped it in a sewer, okay?' / Lincoln: 'A sewer.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'You also look like a DMX video extra, I might add.' / Ilana: 'Thank you.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'Well, me and the other swingers...' then pauses. '...Get it? Swingers?' / 'Yeah, we got it.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln offers to bail on his dinner plans to help with the chain. Ilana: 'You know, as a woman, I feel it's important to cast this chain off myself.'

Lincoln · Ilana:My Lincoln Towncar. / But this is a... A Prius, right? / Yeah, but I call it that because my name is Lincoln. And I'm gonna drive around town in my car. / (forcefully laughing)

Lincoln:I brought you some comfort food. Turkey jerky. Organic fruit leather and some Tuscan nut mix.

Lincoln · Ilana:That's why I had Jaimé make you a... ginger blunt man! / Oh, my God! With real honey!

Lincoln · Ilana:Since when do you bite your nails? / I didn't even notice. I do it when I'm nervous. / You can't be nervous, you're my rock today.

Ilana · Lincoln:I need to be swaddled! / Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me, at least let me drive and give me road head. / Well, do you want to die and how does that even work?

Ilana · Lincoln:Road hand, whatever. / Just quit the pillow talk and get me off! / I'm driving!

Lincoln · Ilana:You still seem stressed. You want to blow off some steam? / You know, I'm technically Abbi today, so if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome.

Lincoln:I've been working up the courage to tell you something all day. / This is hard. / I hooked up with someone else.

Ilana · Lincoln:So you're telling me she jerked you off for eight minutes with what kind of oil? / Almond.

Ilana · Lincoln:Then you had sex doggy style, and who finished first? / I don't... / Tell me! / She did? / Oh!

Ilana · Lincoln:And then you spooned watching YouTube videos of news anchor fails. / Who was which spoon? / I was the little spoon!

Ilana · Lincoln:Thank you so much for telling me that, woo! We are a modern day Will and Jada. We are open sex friends. We are poly, we are bi. / I'm not bi.

Ilana · Lincoln · Ilana:What if we tricked her into having a threesome? / People really shouldn't trick other people into having sex. / Whoa. / I've heard so many women say that, but when you say it, I really hear it.

Lincoln · Ilana:All right, penis kiss. / (car horn honking) (kissing sounds)

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana tells Lincoln they need to distract guests from the rat: 'I need you to create a dish so good, so élégante, that the party is distracted and I can catch this fat-ass rat-ass myself.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'This restaurant would definitely rate a "C" on the New York Sanitation Department scale.' Then upgrades to 'Actually, it would be a grade "D" 'cause of that moth larvae all over the ceiling.' Ilana: 'Yeah, I can't find the source.'

Lincoln:Lincoln, clearly high, says 'If I ever get my own food truck, I'm gonna call it "Lincoln's Center."' and acts like it just came to him.

Lincoln:Lincoln checking his phone: 'What... No one. What? What? I didn't get a text from anybody.'

Lincoln:'I am crushin' it right now. I'm definitely gonna be the Chop'd Champion tonight.'

Lincoln:Lincoln after the rat runs over his foot: 'You know the band Ratatat? Let's listen to thatatat, mm-hmm.'

Lincoln · Unknown character:'Everybody love cheese balls.' / 'I know, they're, like, too good.' / 'This is actual food.'

Lincoln:Lincoln, high, tastes his food: 'Motherfuck, that's good.' / 'I am crushin' it right now.' / 'I'm definitely gonna be the Chop'd Champion tonight.'

Jaimé · Lincoln:Jaimé, on new honesty path, tells Lincoln: 'I would kind of like to use our oven for cooking. Will you take your clothes out, please?'

Jaimé · Lincoln:Jaimé: 'Also, mi amor, can you please get off Grindr? You have a Grindr profile and it's kind of our thing, you know?' Lincoln: 'I just wanna see penises within a mile of me.' Jaimé: 'I'm so sorry, I've gone too far. You can see all the penises you want. Teach me.'

Lincoln · Jaimé:Final beat: 'All the penises you want.' / 'Teach me.' / 'All the penises you want.' / 'Teach me.' / 'Penis.'

Lincoln:I'll be right out. From slowly peeing. Definitely not pooping.

Lincoln:Watching that ass walk away makes me sweat, too.

Ilana · Lincoln:So, that's it. I'll see you. / Lincoln, wait. [runs, still running at 08:11]

Abbi · Lincoln:She's still running. / Her running is a metaphor.

Lincoln · Ilana:You look good too. You look like a video girl. / Woman. / Video gi... You look good.

Lincoln · Ilana · Steph:Steph, this is Ilana. Ilana, this is my girlfriend, Steph. / Oh... / No... / ♪ Oh, no, oh, no... ♪ / Oh! / Catch up with you later.

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana to Lincoln: 'Steph seems really nice... I hope you guys are making each other orgasm a lot.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Sorry you had to see me like this. / You're lucky you got out when you did, brother. I am a rich, disgusting monster.

Lincoln:There's only one Ilana Wexler.

Lincoln:Lincoln's reaction: 'That's great. Wow, that took a long time... to say.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln farts in front of Ilana and apologizes; Ilana responds: 'Farts are part of the total relationship package.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana farts competitively back at Lincoln — framed as a 'breakdance battle, but not at all'

Lincoln:'That was different from the others.' — Lincoln on a notably different-sounding fart

Lincoln:Lincoln tells Ilana: 'You shat yourself at a party five weeks ago.' — as perspective on the fart situation

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln and Ilana discover 'his and hers casket sheets'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana announces they have brunch with Abbi and Jaimé on Saturday; Lincoln says he already has 'golf with Dr. Tims.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana: 'When was the last time we even had sex?' / Lincoln: 'We had sex an hour ago.' / Ilana: 'And that's good enough for you?'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'Told you I have a refractory period.'

Ilana · Lincoln:'Cause lifetime implies death. Think about it like this. Let's say you won a lifetime supply of Doritos. / I'm listening.

Lincoln · Ilana:Ilana: 'And thank you for all the food metaphors.' / Lincoln: 'You're welcome. I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday. That's probably why my farts smell so violent.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln refuses Ilana: 'Sorry, Ilana, I can't let you in. I'm a dad now. Sticky's health is my first priority.' / 'You named her?' / 'Yeah, Sticky. Like sticky rice. It's my favorite type of rice.' / 'That's so cute it hurts.'

Ilana · Lincoln:The Experience Coupon Book reveal — 'Handjob.' / 'Whoop!' / 'Dry'? / 'I prefer wet.' / 'Picnic in the park.' / 'Blowjob, wet.' / 'Zoo day.' / 'Anal!'

Lincoln:This is awesome. This is a quantified, organized list of the stuff we already do.

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln's gift reveal — Ilana opens it, farts, it goes up her dress and into her nose, then dissipates — 'Okay. "Jewess"? Yes! / I saw them, and I thought of you. / Why? / Just kidding.'

Lincoln:Lincoln's gift reveal continues — cards featuring: Art. / Asymmetrical hairstyles. / Unabashed confidence.

Lincoln · Kevin:Helicopter! / Abbi! / Kevin!

Lincoln:The roller-coaster sex proposal: 'That's a no for me, dawg. Roller coasters are already scary enough without me having my dick out. Plus, there's pictures, and they project the pictures at the end. Nobody should see that.'

Lincoln · Ilana:I can give you Ferris wheel. / Deal! I like that better, actually. / Up-and-down-vibes.

Ilana · Lincoln:I want to watch four rom-coms a year. / I object because they are offensive to women. / That is subjective. / I gotta push back, and I'll give you two.

Lincoln:I'll give you two laughing at them, and one laughing with them. / Deal.

Ilana · Lincoln:Can I approach the bench? / Yes, you can. [They kiss]

Ilana · Lincoln:I would like to make out with five... / ty... 'Fivety'... 50 people. / Ilana. / Two. And I have to know about them.

Lincoln:I would like to bring up an issue with the state of Maryland. I think I'd like to move there.

Ilana · Lincoln:Schools? So, w-w-what, like, cars drive around them slower, and it's safer to walk? / No. Schools are... for the children that I father to attend.

Lincoln:Lincoln's long pause — 'I have no counter.'

Ilana · Lincoln:I'm meant to be a polyamorous queen. / I understand. / You got too much love for just one person.

Lincoln · Ilana:Do you think I'll figure it out like you, by the time I'm 40? / I'm 32.

Ilana · Lincoln:What? / Is it insane that I'm still hungry? / Nope, not at all. / And that's why I brought the cake in here.