Bedbugs

Abbi · Ilana:'I love a hot BTS' / 'BTS to the BTS, baby!'

Abbi · Ilana:'Dude, we are like Jerry Seinfeld right now. Yeah, we run this city.'

Ilana · Abbi:'We own you bitches! / The last guy was black so I didn't wanna, like, own him. Good call.'

Abbi · Ilana:The parking spot turns out to be too small; Abbi and Ilana curse each other out then concede 'Okay, it's too small, anyway'

Abbi:'There are no spots. Does everyone have a car now?'

Abbi · Ilana:'Owning this car's been the worst two weeks of my life.' / 'Wait, someone's gonna steal it.' / 'Exactly.'

Ilana:'All Dunkaroos are expired. Any Dunkaroos you see are literally from the '90s. They're from before I was born.'

Bodega Owner / Massouma:'Yeah, you can't return stuff at a bodega.'

Abbi:'Okay, well then I will please take store credit.'

Bodega Owner / Massouma:'You can return them if you can tell me my name.'

Abbi · Bodega Owner / Massouma:Abbi confidently starts 'Your name is Bo...' and trails off, then tries 'Bodega' as a name

Abbi · Ilana:'Bo... dine. That's not a name. It is so. My favorite aunt's name is Bodine.'

Bodega Owner / Massouma:'Bye, Abbi.' — the bodega owner knows Abbi's name but Abbi never knew hers

Bodega Owner / Massouma:Bye, Abbi.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana measuring the armoire dimensions while Abbi is trying to get ready for work — 'Can you show me the dimensions of your armoire?' 'What? Just do it!'

Ilana · Abbi:Visual gag: Ilana reveals a dog she has apparently smuggled or obtained secretly — Abbi reacts with shock ('What?')

Ilana:Ilana talking-head: 'I always thought of being a dog uncle. Coming in and out of the dog's life, all about fun and games...' vs. 'Being a dog dad is different. It's a lot of responsibility.'

Ilana:'You know what's also a big choice? Killing a dog, and that's what was gonna happen to her today. But, you know, I get it. If you feel a six-figure salary isn't enough to support a tiny dog...'

Abbi · Can Recycler:The 'I'm actually an artist... showing in New York and London right now' exchange with the can-recycling worker

Ilana · Jaime:Ilana gives Jaime a refurbished iPad as a gift; he notes it's not in a box; she explains 'It's like brand new. Except not.'

Jaime:Jaime lectures Ilana about gift-giving etiquette after she gave him a refurbished iPad: 'One could make the argument that if you give a gift, it should be brand new'

Ilana · Jaime:'Now, you gotta get out of here because Abbi's coming and I want her to think she's the only person getting a gift today.' / 'Is hers new?' / 'Get out of here. Go!'

Abbi:'My train karma is at an all-time low, as is my general karma.'

Ilana:'How many dumps have I taken at Barnes and Noble?' as a job qualification

Abbi · Ilana:The expensive bag reveal — Ilana gifts Abbi a $1,300 bag; Abbi spirals: 'Was it more than the blue dress? Was it more than an ounce? Was it more than my rent?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's speech about dressing for success: 'You need to look how you feel.' / 'I feel like I spent two hours this morning recycling bottles and cans for $4.15.'

Ilana:'Well, now you can feel like you wear two months' rent around your body.'

Ilana:Ilana calling Jaime 'my little Guatemalan coffee bean'

Jaime · Ilana:Jaime's theatrical 'We have bed bugs!' announcement / Ilana's extended scream

Exterminator · Ilana:Ilana and Jaime's landlord/exterminator arrival — the woman sees Ilana's designer bag and says 'Love that bag'

Ilana · Jaime:'People like us don't get bed bugs!' / 'Yes, we can. Because we do.'

Ilana · Jaime:'I've been going through a dry spell ever since I cut off my peepee.' / 'We got this from jou, lady.' / 'Jew lady?' / 'You! You!'

Ilana:'Well, I am in a relationship so I'm safe.'

Jaime · Ilana:'Okay, then maybe we got them from Abbi.' / 'Don't you dare bring her into this!' / 'I went too far.'

Exterminator · Ilana:'Have you been using protection?' / 'What are we even talking about now?' / 'A mattress protector.'

Exterminator · Ilana · Jaime:'Tell me you got a mattress protector.' / 'Yes.' / 'Y-yes.' / 'You lying. You are a liar! Mattress protector!'

Ilana:God, maybe I could've fucked less people before I got back together with Lincoln. Those people were filthy.

Exterminator:Exterminator: 'I once saw these suckers take out the Metropolitan Opera House.'

Jaimé:I always sit on the wooden benches in the subway platform even though I know that they are carriers. I just love the way the wood feels.

Ilana:'What if we got rid of our clothes and our possessions? And what if we promised to learn how to pray?'

Exterminator:'You don't treat the apartment and move and the city finds out, you're looking at ten years to life.'

Exterminator · Ilana:'This moist, dark paper right here. That's where they first laid their eggs.' The paper is Ilana's cash.

Ilana · Exterminator:'Isn't that illegal under federal law?' / 'When it comes to bed bugs, it's illegal not to burn infested cash.'

Ilana:'Why couldn't we have just gotten herpes? Then we could at least keep all our stuff and I could've just learned to use concealer.'

Exterminator:'I can't guarantee that I can get 'em out. However, I can guarantee that I can't.'

Abbi · Lisa:Abbi's Anthropologie interview tangent: 'The flagship Anthropologie was in my hometown' / 'I probably knew about Anthropologie before you did' / 'I turned a shitty job into a fitty job'

Marcel:Marcel reveals Sushi Mambeaux is closed because 'Brenda was running a prostitution ring out of Sushi Mambeaux after hours'

Marcel:Brenda was running a prostitution ring out of Sushi Mambeaux after hours. She brought in bed bugs and who in the heck knows what else.

Marcel:'Child, I hope you put your cash in the bank and made yourself a little breast egg 'cause who knows if we'll bounce back.'

Marcel:Child, I hope you put your cash in the bank and made yourself a little breast egg.

Marcel:'I'm gonna go wherever I can be the best father to my only son. Well, my son.'

Ilana:'It's 'cause I'm sweeter.' (re: why Ilana has it worse with bed bugs)

Ilana:We are fully fucked by bed bugs.

Bodega Owner / Massouma:Bodega owner says 'Nice purse' to Abbi — as the mugger's stolen bag is now somehow associated with Abbi at the bodega

Mugger · Abbi:Nice purse. (Abbi looks down at the expensive bag, then back up, horrified at what's about to happen)

Mugger · Abbi:The mugging sequence: The mugger gives Abbi financial advice while robbing her at gunpoint

Mugger · Abbi:Let me guess. Were you born in 1-9-88? Jesus. Good PIN.

Mugger · Abbi:'Oh my God. Is this a joke?' / 'No, I'm having a rough time right now.' (re: $374 balance)

Mugger:'What if the economy all of a sudden tanks? What're you gonna do?' — mugger giving financial advice at gunpoint

Abbi:'You're giving me advice? You're mugging me right now so...'

Mugger:'At least I'm proactive about my finances.' — mugger, mid-robbery

Mugger:Mugger then questions the expensive bag: 'You clearly are living beyond your means. Can you afford that bag? That's too expensive for you. Give me that.'

Bodega Owner / Massouma:The bodega owner shoots the mugger's gun away / 'Get out of my bodega, motherfucker'

Bodega Owner / Massouma · Abbi:Post-mugging: 'Maybe you could've gotten the bag and the money.' / 'Maybe you could've remembered my name.'

Abbi:'That's fair.' — Abbi's response to being told she should've remembered her bodega owner's name

Ilana · Ilana's Mom:Ilana calling her mom to come home: 'Ugh, Ilana, no. That's how it spreads. Plus, if I got bed bugs from my sister what would people think?'

Ilana:'You are so afraid of incest. You need to talk about that in therapy.'

Ilana · Ilana's Mom:Ilana's mom pivot from refusing to inviting her home: 'We'll go do nails, then bags, then maybe...' immediately followed by Ilana's condition-laden acceptance (all laundry, mostly showering)

Ilana's Mom:Ilana's mom: 'You haven't been home in months and now you get bed bugs and you wanna bring 'em here? No, no, no. Fuck you.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln refuses Ilana: 'Sorry, Ilana, I can't let you in. I'm a dad now. Sticky's health is my first priority.' / 'You named her?' / 'Yeah, Sticky. Like sticky rice. It's my favorite type of rice.' / 'That's so cute it hurts.'

Bodega Owner / Massouma:Bodega owner talking-head: Second Amendment / Constitution speech — 'I know it like the back of my hand. I'm from Philadelphia. The suburbs of Philadelphia. 40 minutes to the Founding Fathers. Crackin' that bell, right? Liberty! Ding-dong...'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I know it like the back of, like... my foot.' / '...because I'm from Philadelphia. The suburbs of Philadelphia.'

Abbi:I know it like the back of, like... my foot. Never forget it. 'Cause I'm from Philadelphia. Well, I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia. But, like, it's like, 40 minutes tops to the Founding Fathers. Crackin' that bell, right? Liberty! Ding-dong...

Massouma · Abbi:'What I'm really looking forward to is the 26th Amendment because then I'll actually get to be part of the conversation.' / 'Totally. Conversation Amendment.'

Abbi:Abbi's apology to Massouma: 'I may be a dumb, white bitch, but I'm not that dumb. And really, really, I'm not a bitch.'

Abbi:'I mean, he had a gun. And then he's ragging on me about my balance? I'm like, you're mugging me, bitch. What a bitch.'

Abbi · Sunil:Abbi arrives at Anthropologie in the security vest with a walkie-talkie: 'All's clear at the west door.' / 'Do the thing.' / 'Abbi out.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi, you okay? Yeah, uh, all's clear at the west door.

Ilana · Abbi:Post-credits: 'You ever consider sex work? Like maybe small stuff. Hand jobs.' / 'Would they have to see anything other than my hand?' / 'No.' / 'I would do that if it was just my hand. Let me get back to you.'

Ilana · Abbi:You ever consider sex work? Like, maybe small stuff. Hand jobs. / Would they have to see anything other than my hand? / No. / I would do that if it was just my hand.

Arturo Castro:BTS segment: Arturo Castro (Jaime) standing fully clothed in the shower: 'I've just been in the shower with all of my clothes on. Let's start the water and let's roll sound. Hoo! Okay baby! We have bedbugs!'