Black Bush

Dave Chappelle:I would actually cry but the reefer has dried my eyes out.

Dave Chappelle:My grandmother said, 'Don't ever be the first Black person to do anything.'

Dave Chappelle:Imagine, like who was the first Black person to take a shit on a white toilet?

Cyrus Holloway:'I felt a bubblin' in my stomach. An evil bubblin'. A bubble that to me signified nothing else but the early stages of mud butt.'

Cyrus Holloway:'Oh, that toilet was disgusting. It wasn't fit for Christian butt cheeks.'

Cyrus Holloway:'I could either go doo-doo in my trousers, which I couldn't do, that was my only good pair at the time. Or, I could use the white restroom. It was risky, but so was mud butt.'

Officer · Cyrus Holloway:Come outta there, Holloway. / With all due respect... I got the mud butt.

Cyrus Holloway · Police:Police spray Holloway with water hoses while he's on the toilet; he simply says 'Good Lord, it's mud butt!'

Officer · Cyrus Holloway:'Desecration of a white facility with Negroid feces.' / 'Here's your evidence.'

Cyrus Holloway:'I could make about three, four more bags of that if you want, sir.'

Civil Rights Minister:Civil rights minister delivers speech: 'We are gathered here today to discuss matters of the cocka-dookie and the stinky-stinky.'

Civil Rights Minister:'Why can't my turd float next to yours?'

Philip Halston (narrator):'The nation's first shit-in.'

Civil Rights Minister:The minister instructs protesters: 'Turn your butt cheeks toward the aggressors and let them clean your butt cheeks with the cascading water. This is a good thing.'

Supreme Court Justice:Supreme Court Justice delivers opinion: 'Your feces will be brown... except for the clay colored ones, and of course, the spinach green. And no matter what the hue of your poo, it will undoubtedly stink.'

Cyrus Holloway:Holloway, recounting his victory: 'I suppose I was happy about winning, but what I was most happy about was that I could get up from that courtroom and use the toilet.'

Cyrus Holloway:Holloway: 'I just remember going in that bathroom and taking the first... free dump that I'd ever taken in my life. Beautiful dump.'

Cyrus Holloway · Church Choir:The church choir arrives to sing a freedom spiritual while Holloway uses the newly integrated bathroom.

Philip Halston (narrator):Philip Halston signs off: 'It is all just a matter of the stinky stinky and the cocka-dookie. I'm Philip Halston, good night.'

Caller · Lil Jon:'Don't you like popsicles?' / 'WHAT?!' / 'I said, don't you like popsicles?' / 'WHAT?!' / 'I said, DON'T YOU LIKE POPSICLES?' / 'YEAH!!'

Lil Jon (character):Lil Jon's emotional confession of loneliness, delivered across three 'WHAT?!'s: 'I SAID, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD AND I HAVE NO ONE — WHAT?! — NO ONE — WHAT?! — TO GO TO. HUH? — NO ONE! THAT UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN! YEAH!!'

Caller · Lil Jon:The caller explains 'The Stranger' masturbation technique — sitting on your hand until it goes numb — to Lil Jon, who confirms he does this.

Lil Jon · Oprah (phone):Lil Jon takes a call from Oprah: 'It's Oprah. How are you? Good, listen, I'm pregnant.' / 'Are you sure it's mine?' / 'I'm sure, it's yours.' / 'AHH, SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET!'

Oprah (on phone) · Lil Jon:Lil Jon? It's Oprah. / Good, listen, I'm pregnant. / Are you sure it's mine?

Lil Jon:'She's having our baby. YEAH!!'

Lil Jon (character):Phone breaking up scene: WHAT?! / OKAY! / YEAH! / AFFIRMATIVE / HUH? / ROGER! / YEAH! / WHAT?! / MELTIN' DOWN! / AHH! / BYE, NIGGA!

Dave Chappelle:Dave on stage: 'People say, Dave, you talk about everybody except the President. Why don't you do that?' / 'Well, 'cause he's the President. I know my limits.'

Dave Chappelle:People say, Dave, you talk about everybody except the President, why don't you do that? Well, 'cause he's the President. Now, I know my limits, ladies and gentlemen, and I wouldn't wanna cross 'em.

Dave Chappelle:Dave explains: 'If our president were Black, we would not be at war right now. Not because a Black person wouldn't have done something like that, just because America wouldn't let a Black person do something like that without asking them a million questions.'

Black Bush · Cabinet Member:Black Bush introduces his cabinet and reasoning: 'If I can be real about it... they tried to kill my father, man. Word. I don't play that shit.'

Black Bush:Black Bush on Saddam's weapons: 'This nigga very possibly has weapons of mass destruction. I can't sleep on that. Not on my watch! That's not how I roll.'

Tony Blair:Tony Blair: 'We can't trust random niggas with things like that, as George so eloquently put it. I'm with him 100% of the way.'

Black Bush:'The nigga bought aluminum tubes! Do I need to tell you what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube? ALUMINUM!'

Black Bush · CIA Director · Reporter:Black Bush: 'The motherfucker bought some yellow cake, okay, in Africa... I got the head of CIA right here, he'll tell you! Are you sure... ARE YOU SURE... I can't believe you motherfuckers. This is ridiculous.'

Black Bush · CIA Director:Black Bush pulls out an actual sample of yellow cake wrapped in a 'CIA napkin': 'You believe this shit now? Don't drop that shit!'

Black Bush · Reporter:Reporter asks about oil interests; Black Bush: 'What? Huh? OIL? Who said something about oil, BITCH, you cookin'?'

Black Bush:Black Bush storms away from the oil question: 'Come on y'all, get outta here!'

Black Bush:Black Bush to the UN: 'You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh! Wait a minute! You don't have an army! I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!'

Black Bush:Black Bush to Kofi Annan: 'You think I'm gonna take orders from an African? You might speak 16 languages, but you're gonna need 'em when you're in Times Square selling fake hats. I know Gucci when I see it, nigga, I'm rich.'

Black Bush:Black Bush lists his 'Coalition of the Willing': England, Japan sending Playstations, Stankonia willing to drop bombs over Baghdad, Rickety Row, Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation.

Black Bush:'Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad.' (referencing OutKast's 'Bombs Over Baghdad')

Black Bush:Black Bush: 'I am not disrespecting the U.N. Even though they don't got no army. Go sell some medicine, bitches!'

Black Bush:Black Bush aside to himself: 'Trying to get that oil... oh ho!'

Black Bush:Black Bush on aircraft carrier: 'Did I not say that we would win that shit? We rocked 'em, 'bamas! Nigga, you see me come in on that plane? SHHH...! DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DAH!'

Black Bush · Reporter:Reporter asks about elections in Iraq; Black Bush: 'Damn, I knew I shouldn't have called on this nigga! I should not have called on you because you're always trying to distract motherfuckers with things like the war.'

Black Bush:Black Bush pivots from Iraq questions to gay marriage: 'Gay people are getting married, folks. Yes... Nasty! Imagine that? Two women touching on each other's tittie balls...'

Black Bush:Black Bush on lesbian sex: 'Two women touchin' on each other's tittie balls, wrestlin' them, gently strokin' those nipples until they get just so stiff and erect! Blowin' on 'em.'

Black Bush:Black Bush on gay men: 'Men... barbecue... I like you. I like you too, dog. Let's get married, man. It's crazy! What about your... THAT SHIT IS GROSS!'

Black Bush:Black Bush snaps back: 'MEN... BARBECUE... I LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOU TOO, DOG. LET'S GET MARRIED, MAN. IT'S CRAZY!'

Black Bush · Reporter:Reporter asks about post-Saddam upheaval in Iraq; Black Bush: 'Why are you doing this, man? I thought you was my Black brother.'

Black Bush:Black Bush pivots from Iraq to the Moon: 'Here's what I feel about Iraq. I feel like you guys keep trying to distract people with Iraq when I'm focusing on other things, namely the Moon.'

Black Bush:'Stop worrying about that... I got that shit under control! Let's focus on Space, nigga. The United States of Space. 'Cause I ain't stoppin' at the Moon. M-A-R-S, Mars, BITCHES.'

Dave Chappelle:Post-show sign-off chaos: 'I'M RICH BEE-YOTCH!' / 'Who do you know in Iraq? The war is over! THE WAR IS OVER!'