The Racial Draft

Bar Patron 3:Bar patron orders a 'Samuel Jackson' instead of a Samuel Adams, kicking off the beer commercial parody

Bar Patrons · Bartender:Other patrons immediately copying: 'Me three. / Three Samuel Jacksons coming right up.'

Samuel L. Jackson:Samuel L. Jackson bartender delivers beer pitch: 'It'll get you drunk! You'll be fuckin' fat girls in no time!'

Samuel L. Jackson:'You might even fight a nigga or two!'

Samuel L. Jackson · Bar Customer:Customer asks Samuel Jackson to stop yelling; Jackson replies 'I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! You ain't never seen my movies?!'

Samuel L. Jackson:'Deep Blue Sea! They ate me, a fucking shark ate me!'

Samuel L. Jackson:Jackson closes the sketch with his actual A Time to Kill courtroom line: 'Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!'

Dave Chappelle:Dave announces he's smoking on television indoors: 'I am smoking indoors, you know why? Because I didn't vote for Bloomberg.'

Dave Chappelle:'Cigarettes are $8 a pack! That's crack prices! People gonna be sucking dicks for cigarettes soon!'

Dave Chappelle · Ancestors:Historical tape of Dave's ancestors complaining about leaders: Bloomberg → Carter → Truman → Lincoln → 'white folks in general is fucking up'

Dave's Ancestor:'Son, white folks in general is fucking up. Shhh, they coming.'

Dave's Native/Early Ancestor:Earliest ancestor sees the Mayflower: 'It's a boat with some white people on it. Y'all wait here, I'm gonna see what they want.' Cut to: 'Man... I fucked up.'

Dave Chappelle:Campaign ad: solution to health care crisis is 'Fake Canadian ID cards for all Americans'

Dave Chappelle:Second campaign ad: solution to teen pregnancy is having the school principal have sex with the oldest teacher in front of students, 'rubbed with mayonnaise to accentuate the sound of their old flesh flapping together'

Dave Chappelle:'Goddamn, that's gross. I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave, breaking from the campaign ad voice, says 'Goddamn, that's gross' before resuming 'I'm Dave Chappelle and I want to represent you'

Dave Chappelle · Snoop Dogg:Snoop wants Dave in a video but wants him to slip on a banana peel and land face-first in 'doo doo' while Snoop walks off in slow motion with 'now and later gators'

Dave Chappelle:Dave doing laundry in real time — he waves to Mrs. Kim, completely mundane — then deadpans 'Nothing funny about that.'

Dave Chappelle:Same laundry footage played in slow motion to sweeping orchestral music — audience laughs and applauds throughout

Dave Chappelle:'It sucks to be in a club in regular life' — followed by normal-speed club footage where Dave is rejected doing the robot

Dave Chappelle · Club Characters:Club footage in slow motion — including the slowed-down line 'I wanna suck your...' and 'Me so horny'

Club character:'(slow motion) Me so horny...' — extended club slow-motion continues into a bawdy phrase

Dave Chappelle:'Some things look worse in slow motion. Like, for instance, here's a tape of me taking a shit.'

Dave Chappelle:The slow-motion defecation footage with loud gurgle and explosion sound effects

Dave Chappelle · R. Kelly:Dave says he saw R. Kelly in Chicago; Kelly complained about someone making a video about peeing on people — Chappelle responds 'Nigga, how YOU gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?'

Announcer:'America's #1 source for offensive comedy' — announcer introduces Chappelle's Show with this tagline

Dave Chappelle:Dave's observation about Tiger Woods: 'My wife is Asian. I'm black, and we argue about which half of Tiger Woods is hitting the ball so good.'

Dave Chappelle:'We need to just settle this once and for all, we need to have a draft. That's right, I said it.'

Rob · Billy:'Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time, Billy. Yes, and they'll probably still complain.'

Black Delegation Representative:Black Delegation picks Tiger Woods first overall

Dave (Announcer):Announcer commentary: Tiger has 'been discriminated against, had death threats, and dates a white woman. Sounds like a black guy to me.'

Tiger Woods (Chappelle):Tiger accepts his Blackness: 'So long, fried rice, hello fried chicken.'

Tiger Woods (Chappelle):Tiger's first use of Black vernacular: 'I always wanted to say this... for shizzle.'

Rob · Dave (Announcer):Breaking news: Tiger Woods lost all his endorsements immediately upon being drafted as Black — Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties. 'Tough break, nigga, there's always Fubu.'

Rob (announcer):Announcer delivers breaking news: Tiger has lost all his endorsements — Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties — 'the whole shebang-a-bang. Tough break, nigga, there's always Fubu.'

Rob · Dave (Announcer):Jews' pick speculation — commentator guesses Madonna since 'she was born and raised Catholic, then she became a whore, but over the last decade she has studied the Kabbalah'

Jewish Delegation · Dave (Announcer):Jews pick Lenny Kravitz — then announcer notes: 'His mother was on The Jeffersons, a pivotal show in black culture. And his father, a Jew, was her lawyer. Heh, couldn't make that up.'

Dave (Announcer) · Rob:'Unfortunately, Lenny can't make it here to accept. He's in Miami Beach.' 'Miami Beach? Well, he must have gotten that news about being Jewish early.'

Latino Delegation · Latino Representative:Latinos pick Elian Gonzalez, explaining: 'We wanted to do this before the white people try to adopt him as one of their own... again.'

White Delegation Representative:White Delegation representative announces their pick while being booed; attempts to quiet the crowd with 'Silencio!' and 'Ungowa!'

White Delegation Representative · Dave (Announcer):White Delegation picks Colin Powell — he's '100% black, last I heard'

Rondell (Black Delegation Rep):Black Delegation counter-offers: 'We accept on the condition that they also accept Condoleezza Rice as part of the deal.'

White Delegation rep:White Delegation rep: 'By the power invested in me by white people everywhere, we accept. You got yourself a goddamn deal.'

Rondell (Black Delegation Rep) · White Delegation Representative:Black Delegation immediately requests Eminem as an add-on. White rep: 'Wait a goddamn minute, that's not part of the bargain.' Black rep: 'I'm hustling, baby.'

White Delegation Representative:White rep counter-offers: 'We keep Eminem... you get O.J. Simpson.'

Dave (Announcer):'Unbelievable, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice now officially white. O.J. black again. What a day.'

Rob:Commentator speculates whites would have preferred Oprah: 'Thick thighs, no felonies, she definitely would have been a great pickup.'

Dave (Announcer):Commentator notes Yao Ming has been 'spending a lot of time with blacks learning slang and shit-talking. If they're not careful, they might lose him.'

Asian Delegation · Dave (Announcer):Asian Delegation picks the entire Wu-Tang Clan instead of Yao Ming — 'Oh my God!'

Wu-Tang Member:Wu-Tang member acceptance speech: 'We always been a fan of the Kung Fu and the Chinese culture, and shit. So, yo, it's like bong-bong, you know.'

RZA:ODB has changed his name from 'Dirt McGirt' to 'The Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant'

Wu-Tang Member:'Konichiwa, bitches.'

Rob (Announcer):Announcer closes with 'Konichiwa, bitches' as his sign-off, echoing Wu-Tang

Dave Chappelle:End card / farewell: 'I'm rich, biatch!' with horn honk

Samuel L. Jackson · Bar Customer:Post-credits Samuel Jackson callback: 'How's it taste, motherfucker?!' followed by customer again asking him to stop yelling — Jackson defends yelling as 'my acting style'

Samuel L. Jackson:Jackson in post-credits: 'Jackie Brown! Star Wars! The one where I say yes they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell! I was in that, too!' — listing more movies including 'Juice, nigga!'