The Racial Draft

Bar Customer:I'll have a Samuel Jackson.

Bar Customers:You know something? I'll have a Samuel Jackson, too. Me three.

Samuel L. Jackson:Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfucker. Samuel Jackson, made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson.

Samuel L. Jackson:It'll get you drunk! You'll be fuckin' fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga' or two!

Samuel L. Jackson · Customer:No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! You ain't never seen my movies?!

Samuel L. Jackson:Deep Blue Sea! They ate me, a fucking shark ate me!

Samuel L. Jackson:Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!

Dave Chappelle:Cigarettes are $8 a pack! That's crack prices! People gonna be sucking dicks for cigarettes soon!

Dave Chappelle:I'm a genetic dissenter. That's right, it's in my genes to dissent.

Dave Chappelle:Damn, Bloomberg is fucking up.

Historical Dave:Man, Carter is fucking up.

Historical Dave · Native American:Son, white folks in general is fucking up. Shhh, they coming.

Historical Dave:Man... I fucked up.

Dave Chappelle:Fake Canadian ID cards for all Americans. If you get sick, run on up to Canada and get yourself checked out.

Dave Chappelle:Have every high school principal have sex with the oldest teacher in the school in front of the students. And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise to accentuate the sound of their old flesh flapping together.

Snoop Dogg:you was dancing and you slip on a banana peel and your face lands in some doo doo... splat.

Dave Chappelle:why can't I be the one in slow motion?! I'm tired of being the one in the doo-doo.

Dave Chappelle:Nothing funny about that.

Dave Chappelle:Dave doing laundry in slow motion with dramatic music

Dave Chappelle:The robot?

Dave Chappelle · Club patrons:Same club scene in slow motion with techno music

Club patron:Me so horny...

Dave Chappelle:Dave taking a shit in normal speed

Dave Chappelle:Same shit in slow motion with exaggerated sound effects

Dave Chappelle:How you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?

Dave Chappelle:we argue... about which half of Tiger Woods is hitting the ball so good.

Commentators:Good evening, and welcome to the first and maybe only Racial Draft here in New York City.

Commentators:Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time, Billy. Yes, and they'll probably still complain.

Black Delegation:We of the Black Delegation... choose Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods:So long, fried rice, hello fried chicken.

Tiger Woods:for shizzle.

Tiger Woods:for shizzle.

Commentator:Well, it seems as though Tiger Woods is happy to be black and that's a good thing because I just received word that he lost all his endorsements.

Commentator:Tough break, nigga, there's always Fubu.

Jewish Delegation:Lenny Kravitz.

Commentator:His mother was on 'The Jeffersons,' a pivotal show in black culture. And his father, a Jew, was her lawyer. Heh, couldn't make that up.

Commentator:Well, he must have gotten that news about being Jewish early.

Latino Delegation:Elian Gonzalez.

Latino Delegation:We wanted to do this before the white people try to adopt him as one of their own... again.

White Delegation:Hey, will you cut the malarkey? There's a white man talking up here! Silencio! Ungowa!

White Delegation:Colin Powell!

Commentator:Colin Powell is not white. He's not even an eighth white. He's 100% black. Last I heard.

Black Delegation:We, the Black Delegation, accept the White Delegation's offer to draft Colin Powell, on the condition that they also accept Condoleezza Rice as a part of the deal.

Black Delegation:The Black Delegation requests Eminem.

White Delegation:Let's make all things fair, we keep Eminem... you get O.J. Simpson.

Commentator:if white people knew they were gonna get away with picking a black person, I bet they would have picked Oprah. Thick thighs, no felonies, she definitely would have been a great pickup.

Asian Delegation:the RZA, the GZA, U-God, Inspectah Deck, Ghostface Killah, the Wu-Tang Clan!

Wu-Tang Member:We always been a fan of the Kung Fu and the Chinese culture, and shit. So, yo, it's like bong-bong, you know.

RZA:Yeah, I wanna remind everybody to, um, diversify your bonds.

RZA:Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty has now changed his name from 'Dirt McGirt,' to 'The Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant.'

Wu-Tang Clan:Konichiwa, bitches.

Dave Chappelle:I'm rich, biatch!

Samuel L. Jackson:Samuel L. Jackson repeating his beer commercial and movie rants