The Last Supper

Abbi · Ilana:The opening rating game — Abbi thinks they're rating hotness, Ilana is rating dick size through basketball shorts

Ilana:'If you train your eyes, you can see their religion.'

Abbi · Ilana · Gym Employee:A gym employee tells the women their staring is making guys uncomfortable

Abbi:'I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice.'

Ilana:Ilana has fasted for 36 hours to 'raise her market value' by eating expensive food, and has been doing laxatives all week to make room

Abbi:Abbi calls her dad her 'father figure' and corrects herself mid-sentence

Ilana · Maître d':The coat check moment — waiter suggests Ilana may want to keep her jacket because she looks cold; she insists 'I'm perfect. Loving the temp.'

Ilana · Maître d':Asking to sit at Beyoncé and Jay-Z's specific table

Maître d' · Ilana:The maître d' admits he freaks out when celebrities come in — 'That's why I love my job'

Abbi · Ilana:The Beyoncé/Jay-Z role assignment — 'Beyoncé and I do have similar curves'

Abbi · Ilana · John the waiter:Abbi and Ilana responding to 'do you have any food allergies' with general opinions about peanuts and gluten

Abbi · Ilana · John:John the waiter asks about food allergies; Abbi launches into generic peanut allergy advice, then Ilana says 'Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing across the board'

Ilana:'No, none that I, uh, want to share with you.' — Ilana's response to the allergy question

John · Ilana:'We like to say here that ramp is the truffle of onions. It's a dumb little joke. / We like to say that, too.'

Ilana:'No, we are poppin' our cherry.'

John:'You just let me do the driving' — John's response, followed by his French send-off

Ilana · Abbi:'He's tall and he's bilingual? / I'm short and I can't speak English good.'

Ilana:Ilana speculates John 'probably has a French press and one of those things that in the bathroom you clean your butthole with'

Kitchen Staff:The overheard kitchen argument — coworkers fighting about Anton, the sister who's an 'ex-junkie,' a stolen laptop, and bedbugs

Ilana:'Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there, then why did She make them perfectly finger-sized?'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana toasts Doug 'for turning you out' after Abbi reports slightly above-average sex

Abbi:Abbi planned sex to happen 'at the stroke of midnight' as she turned 26 — the birthday sex ritual

Abbi:'Joie de... jooge' — Abbi's failed French with the waiter

Abbi:'I just peed out a condom.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Did you pee it or poop it?' — Ilana's immediate follow-up question

Ilana:'Hey, it's 2014. Anal's on the menu.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Everything I've done has happened to you.' / 'Not yet is what I meant to say.'

Ilana:'So what? You're a nasty bitch, who cares?'

Ilana:Ilana asks the busboy to guard their clams while they go get high

Abbi · Ilana:'Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried to throw myself a surprise party. / You should have tried. It was a mistake.'

Ilana · Busboy:Ilana offers a hit to the busboy, who declines and then awkwardly thanks them 'for the food' he didn't prepare

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's stoned realization: 'Every animal from every movie we've loved as a kid — probably dead.'

Abbi:'I know that. She was for real. I know that it was a cartoon.'

Abbi:'You know, that Tramp was my first sexual crush. He was hot. He was like a spunky bad boy.'

Ilana:'You know who was mine? Stimpy. Stimpy from 'Ren and Stimpy'? Yeah, I feel like he has a similar build to Lincoln.'

Ilana:'They left your clams. The world is good, dude.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's face is red and her eye is 'blowing up' from the shellfish allergy — revealed immediately after they've been eating nothing but shellfish

Ilana:'I really know my body, dude. I go up to the edge and then I scale it back. I'm good at it, honestly.'

Abbi · Ilana:'How do I not know you're allergic to shellfish? / You don't know everything about me. / You text me every time you take a dump. I know about the pimple on your nipple and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card.'

Ilana:'I have mystery, too. I haven't even told you yet that I want to put my fist in our waiter's mouth sexually.'

Ilana:'I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands.'

Kitchen Staff:Second overheard kitchen argument: cable/Homeland, 'you gross baby'

Kitchen John:John shouts orders mid-fight: 'I need a 42. I need an onion ring, I need a tagliatelle with light sauce.'

Ilana · John:The crab three ways, lobster nine ways reveal — 'Get in my belly!'

Abbi:Abbi's singing confidence — 'I know I can't really sing. But if I had private lessons and learned to breathe, I could sing really well.'

Abbi · Doug (phone):Abbi calls Doug from the bathroom to tell him she peed out a condom — he reveals he didn't use a condom

Abbi:'Because, like a lady, I keep my eyes closed when I make love.'

Doug (phone) · Abbi:'You're a condom girl. I will make a note of that for next time.' — Doug's response

Abbi:'No, I'm not sure, because I'm not sure about anything. Something just fell out of my body, so I gotta go deal with that, and you need to deal with me dealing with that.'

John · Abbi · Ilana:Seafood turducken — small clam inside the mouth of a lobster inside a larger clam — 'Suck on those legs a little longer'

Ilana:'I could still wink, see?' — followed by the wink (presumably horrifying given facial swelling)

Abbi:'Your face looks like the underbelly of a tugboat.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana has an epi pen in her clutch — she planned for Abbi to administer it

Abbi:'There was a condom in my person for four days.'

Abbi · Ilana:The epi pen chaos — Ilana grabs it back, Abbi takes it, Ilana keeps eating ('two more bites, it is so expensive'), Abbi stabs herself with it

Abbi:'Whoo! Adrenaline! I... could actually take that pen. I feel so alive right now!'

Abbi · Ilana:'It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!' — Abbi on adrenaline while Ilana calls 911

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi, adrenaline-spiked, calls for the ambulance while Ilana shouts 'It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!'

Abbi:'We'll take those two molten lava cakes to go.'

Kitchen Staff · Abbi · Ilana:The kitchen argument triple-cross during the 911 call: 'Why don't you have the ambulance drop you off at a mental hospital... I hope you die in your sleep... I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly... Speak clearly, someone is dying'

Ilana · Abbi:'Abbi, you are the love of my... life.' — Ilana to Abbi on the ambulance gurney

Abbi · Ilana:The hospital bucket list — 'own an elliptical / go to a pug farm / do heroin under the aurora borealis'

Ilana:Ilana's bucket list: 'make your own Passover Seder / to be able to squirt / to be held in Abbi's arms'

Hospital Staff:The hospital hallway ER crisis playing out in the background as Abbi and Ilana continue their conversation, ending with 'Time of death, 2:47 AM'

Doctors/Nurses · Abbi · Ilana:The hospital ER scene — doctor dialog about epinephrine, 'patient not responsive,' time of death 2:47 AM — a totally different patient dies while they're talking

Ilana:'You know what another one of mine is? To be an Asian girl.'

Abbi · Ilana:'First night of my 26th year — pee out a condom, go to the hospital. I think that means this year is just gonna be really— / Fun and cool and fresh? / I was gonna say awesome, but yeah.'

Ilana:Ilana's condom policy: 'From now on, you will be sending me a picture of every dick that you are about to host wearing a condom.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's family's 'gross sex list' game — 'Who is the grossest person you still kind of want to have sex with?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's gross sex list answer: O.J. Simpson

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's newest entry: the Six Flags old man — and both women physically imitating his dancing in the hospital in heels

Ilana:'Hold up, though, dude. We've got to go back to O.J.'