As Christmas nears, Liz's parents ditch her for a couples-only retreat, leaving her all alone for the holiday. Because of this, Liz decides to work for a charity program, "Letters to Santa." Meanwhile, Jack takes his frustration out on the staff after his dream holiday is ruined.
Holiday chaos fuels 67 jokes across 41 minutes—solid density despite modest impact scores.
Directed by Don Scardino · Written by Kay Cannon, Tina Fey
WAR
117
Wins Above Replacement
“Christmas Special” ranks #86 of 137 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.6 — Elite. The episode packs 69 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.7 on impact, with Jack Donaghy landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Colleen: Final line — Colleen: "You *****, Jack."
Colleen Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: "Good old Frederick August Otto Schwartz the Third." / "F.A.O. Schwartz? Like the toy store?" / "His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?"
Jack Donaghy: "I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same French company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape."
DeShante's father: "Yeah, the letter that said 'Dear Santa,' not 'Dear lonely white lady.'"
Jack Donaghy: "Every time I hear that song, I get aroused. What is wrong with me?"
Standout Moments
Jack Donaghy: "I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same French company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape."
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: "Good old Frederick August Otto Schwartz the Third." / "F.A.O. Schwartz? Like the toy store?" / "His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?"
Colleen: Final line — Colleen: "You *****, Jack."
Colleen Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 69 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Pete · Staff members: Frozen steaks. Ipod nothings? Colorful sweaters?
Staff member: "Look, we already did our Christmas charity work. Everybody here chipped in to get Sue a bra."
Sue: Cut to Sue wearing a bra over her clothes or the visual confirmation that the bra gift was warranted — reaction beat
Sue Visual Gag Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: "Are you drunk?" / "On the spirit of Christmas." / "It's this cheap, high-proof brandy I found."
Staff member: "I hope it's not seasonal."
Tracy Jordan: "I love helping people less fortute than me. Where do you find them? There are these Nigerians on the internet that help me."
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: "Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins. I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school. My dream is to be a doctor someday—" / "That kid's never gonna be a doctor. Better buy it a jet ski."
Jack Donaghy: Jack calls Liz from Florida: "Fly to Rio, tan in the nude. Bet on some monkey wrestling. Just like Norman Rockwell always drew it."
Jack Donaghy: "I could fly there without a plane." — Jack's final line before hanging up
Liz Lemon: "Hey Toofer, can I buy a kid FUBU? Is that a swear word?"
Toofer · Liz Lemon: Toofer begins to answer thoughtfully — "Okay, while FUBU is not itself profane, I do think that—" — and Liz cuts him off: "Thank you."
Jack Donaghy: "I hit her. Colleen. I hit her with my car." / "She's fine. She's better than fine. They're giving her a titanium hip. Like the Terminator. It's only gonna make her more powerful."
Jack Donaghy · Colleen: Colleen calls down from her room: "Well, why don't you try taking one of the many blankets off you if you're feeling hot?" / "Yes, I know. It is hard. Life is hard." / "No, I wasn't. I was just scratching my head."
Jack Donaghy · Colleen: "Yes, he does speak English, mother. Jamaican people speak Eng— She hung up."
Jack Donaghy: "One of her suitcases was just wigs."
Liz Lemon: "You know, I was just thinking in the shower this morning, what if Saint Nick was Nic Cage? 'Cause it might go a little something like this—" [proceeds to do impression]
Liz Lemon · Toofer: "Ho ho ho!" / "No, that sounds more like Joan Rivers."
Liz Lemon: Liz's mounting gift-buying is revealed to be trauma displacement: her mother called on Dec 22 to say she didn't feel like hosting Christmas because Liz is 38 and she thought she'd have "her own family by now."
Liz Lemon Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Liz Lemon: "And that instead, you're going to a couples-only retreat in Arizona, the theme of which is 'Sexy at 70.'"
Liz Lemon: "I kind of assumed they would rap, which is racist on my part. But still, best Christmas ever. You're welcome, Glovers."
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Colleen: "Mother, what is so urgent that you could not wait until I came back from the front door?" / "I need my other bell." / "We agreed, one by the bed, and one by the toilet."
Colleen: Colleen's insistence: "I want you to know, and believe, that what happened to me in Florida was an accident. My son Jackie did not run me over on purpose. Case closed. And I don't want to hear another word about it."
Colleen Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Colleen · Jack Donaghy: "The real tragedy is that the accident broke, of course, the Cartier watch that Jackie gave me early this year for Christmas. Ho, ho, ho." / "It's not Cartier. It's Chopard." / "Yes, of course. Chopard. Not the Cartier watch that I wanted."
Jack: After I hit her, before I called 911, I sat in my car for eight minutes.
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Lutz: "What are you all still doing here?" / "Lutz looked it up, and if we stay until noon, it counts as a work week. And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport."
Jack Donaghy · Tracy Jordan: "Tracy, you made $300 million this year." / "And I'm not going anywhere for Christmas."
Tracy Jordan: "Miss Lemon, you really outdid yourself. Those are gonna be the happiest poor kids since my brother and I went to Neverland Ranch."
Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon: "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I will not let you go into that neighborhood in the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo." / "Kwanzaa." / "And Shalam-Shizzam to you too, my sister."
Tracy Jordan: "And remember, Dotcom, you are there to protect me, and not Liz Lemon."
Pete · Jack Donaghy: Pete begins the countdown "We are out of here in 5, 4, 3, 2—" and Jack interrupts with the Christmas special announcement
Pete: "This year as in 'tomorrow this year'?"
Pete Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Jonathan: Jonathan refuses on behalf of himself and "my surrogate family" — four 25-year-old gay guys who will miss New Kids On The Block at the Borgata
Jack Donaghy · Jonathan: "You are all contractually obligated to participate." / "Yes, sir. I never liked that group. Sorry."
Liz Lemon · Grizz/Dotcom: "Thank you so much for carrying that. I will buy you guys dinner later." / "Liz, we both have girlfriends."
Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan: Tracy holds the camera — "you just push the little button on top" / "Thanks a lot. I never operated a camera before." / "I'm serious. That was very helpful."
Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan: "What just happened?" / "What's the past tense for 'scam'? Is it 'scrumped'?" / "Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped."
Jack Donaghy: Jack visits the rehearsal and says "Ah, my little elves at work. Looking good, gang. Looking good."
Jack Donaghy: Jack's Christmas trauma story: Colleen's boyfriend Mr. Schwartz, catching him caressing her 'bony thigh,' telling himself 'eyes on the keys, Jackie boy, keep your eyes on the keys'
Jack Donaghy: "Every time I hear that song, I get aroused. What is wrong with me?"
Liz Lemon · Irene: Liz at the post office: "I believe that I was the victim of a scam perpetrated through the mails" — postal worker immediately says there's nothing they can do
Tracy Jordan · Irene: Tracy asking Irene for help: "Can you help me out with her?" / "Oh, really? We're both black, so we must know each other?" / "Hey, Irene!" / "Hey, Tracey!" / "Did Vicky hook you up with this job?" / "Yeah." / "Girl, you better stop."
Tracy Jordan · Irene: "Hey, you don't know the Postmaster General, do you?" / "I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I would just return Joan Baez's phone calls."
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: "Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?" / "I have no choice. I can't go home." — Jack has been sleeping at work to avoid Colleen
Colleen: Colleen's bell flashback: "Jackie, sweetheart. Can you get this heavy wool blanket out from underneath me? I'm sweating like a grape picker."
Colleen Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Colleen: "Come on, put me back into it... Jacqueline." — Colleen using Jack's full name like a weapon
Colleen Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Colleen: "My other hip!" — Colleen's dramatic exclamation as Jack apparently injures her other hip while helping
Colleen Physical/Slapstick Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy: "You see, Lemon, my mother is like a virus, and my body is trying to get rid of her."
Jack Donaghy: "Good God, she can't know I'm having these thoughts. She can't know about the eight minutes. If she knew, she would have me arrested. She's done it before."
Kenneth · Liz Lemon: "What is wrong with you? You are being a real Scrooge." / "It was just two dudes. They scammed me, and now they're selling that stuff on eBay."
Toofer: "Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person... maybe you should just host The Price Is Right."
Toofer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kenneth: "And you're acting like a real c-word right now. That's right, a cranky Sue."
Kenneth Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Grizz · Dotcom: Cut to Grizz and Dotcom: "No. Doctor Williams said 'boundaries.'" — they are apparently in couples therapy
Colleen: "Exhibit A. Your cell phone bill. Exhibit B. The watch... And it stopped at 8:08. Exhibit C. 16 minus 8 is 8. Numbers, unlike children, don't lie."
Colleen Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy: "What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church? Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, 'What a great way to meet guys.'"
Jack Donaghy: "Or invite strange men over on Christmas Eve!"
Jack Donaghy: Jack mid-emotional-breakdown: "More snow machines!"
Tracy Jordan: "See, Kenneth, those drawings are a clue that children live here. Or Basquiat."
Liz Lemon · DeShante · Marcus: Liz: "I did that. I got that stuff for you. I'm the one who made Christmas happen." / Child: "What about Santa?" / Other child: "Daddy, she said there's no Santa Claus."
DeShante's father: "Yeah, the letter that said 'Dear Santa,' not 'Dear lonely white lady.'"
Liz Lemon: Liz offers the family tickets to "a live Christmas special in the tradition of Andy Williams" as an apology
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: 'Do you know your mother is here?' / 'I don't care. I'm trying to produce a Christmas special that makes It's a Wonderful Life look like Pulp Fiction.'
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: Jack: "Everyone knows that on Christmas Eve, Mrs. Claus hangs your stockings, then puts out food for Santa. Then you sing songs around the piano until she tucks you in." / Liz: "That's not a thing, Jack."
Liz Lemon: "Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you."
Liz Lemon Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: "Well, I know you guys were pretty poor. Did you have a lot of presents?" / "You couldn't even see the tree."
Announcer/Jack: "Our first guest has sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee."
Tracy Jordan: Tracy invites Liz to spend Christmas with the Jordans: "Good, we'll be over at 2:00. My kids have a peanut allergy, but dogs only eat steak."
