Dwanta Claus

I am Dwanta Claus, and during this time of the year, I like to rip the sleeves off my jacket and put on a hat with a bell

I love Christmas because it's all about the three G's, gathering, giving, and getting loose on eggnog

They're from the Jane Seymour for Mervyn's collection

as much as I love the Radish Baby that you got me last year...

That doll is not right

Why does he have muscles on his body but not on his face?

But it's on hold under your name!

Yeah, well, just between us, I kind of hate that Radish Baby

Adults give gifts to kids, not the other way around

I see. So you don't love your mother

I do... not wanna know how they get oil out of them babies

You are like a little Père Noel

You should get her a hot tub, a big one, you know, one that we can all fit in

Last year I got us matching diamond tennis bracelets

Oh, make sure it's a big one, you know, one that we could all fit in

I wish there was a toy catalogue for adults

Dewey, you just described a mall

Oh, candy. No. Gotta stay focused. I'm here for Mom

Well, aren't you a little big to sit on Santa's lap?

Me. Anything else?

I got nothing

even if you just slap googly eyes on a coconut

Might have overdone it with the glitter paint

Ah! No! No!

Were you doing crafts? No! I was just... organizing the craft supplies

Someone put a glue stick inside of the Magic Marker tray. People are animals

Her... her mango shipment was late so she asked me to go to the store and get her some

$15? What are these made out of, gold doubloons?

You look too young to be here, but too old to be lost

Look, Brig-itty. Brigitte. Bresheet. No.

I'm a businessman, and you're a businesswoman

this is a Mervyn's. We don't haggle

so I made her a stupid coconut with googly eyes, and then I dropped it on her Jane Seymour slippers

she's literally a Christmas angel

Back to socks like the rest of us

So my baby will always have some shade

God damn, I could've just been making coconuts

Sorry, Dad. These coconuts are all mine

I love how you just assume that I have nothing to do all day and free to come to work with you and go to a party

Do you have something to do today? No.

Which I'm pretty sure permanently stained my hands

Damn, that's not a little anything

We got you something too, uh, just left it at home. We'll bring it to the party

You don't gift up

The man owns a T. Rex skull. The hell can I buy him?

It's free, ain't it?

$300? What, does it grant wishes?

You wash... I'll die. Instead of 'I'll dry'

Stealing? At Christmastime? Certainly not anymore

This is a regift? She didn't put any thought into this. But all she did was wrap up something she didn't want. That's not even a gift. That's decorated trash

And that's exactly what we're gonna give her

Aw, you gotta tinkle winkle?

Rocky Johnson! Can I get your autograph? Hell yeah

Price of fame

Well, maybe you could spill some red wine on it and give it to someone else

I almost got it engraved to say 'Never shuts up'... But it's Christmas

Well, the coconut is a family tradition. I make one for my mom every year. It used to be he was the only gift, but now he brings other gifts with him

Actually, this time tomorrow you'll be on your layover in Charlotte, but it's a nice airport

I'm just not a huge fan of flying over water

I'm not a robe guy. Thanks to my father who could never find the belt for his

Well, this is every tack I've ever pulled out of my back after a match, fused together to form a life-sized Tori Amos

Has Tori seen this? And if so, is she flattered or is this a restraining order situation?

Heels can't do charity events for kids. Good guys only

Oh, no! It's the Grinch!

before Stone Cold sticks his mistletoe right up your chimney

This one's a pepper mill for my good friend, Stanley Tucci. Merry Christmas, Tooch

But hold the sandwiches, and hold the cookies. That's right. Dwanta's gettin' loaded