Nothing Left To Lose

Jack:My greatest weakness is humility. I'm probably the most humble person in the whole world.

Jack:What three words best describe me? The. Complete. Package.

Jack:My greatest weakness... Is chocolate.

Liz · Jenna:Jenna's self-evaluation: 'I am the worst person I know. When I used to live with Liz, I would videotape her sleeping and sell it to Japanese businessmen.'

Liz:No wonder that tour group kept calling me 'sleep whore-San.'

Jenna:I filled it out last night after mixing alcohol with prescription... exhaustion.

Liz:This is the biggest waste of time since NBC's diversity writing program. That was a good idea, but all of our actors are so white. Slap it to me, Daddy-O. Popo popped dookie down by the vacants.

Jenna · Kenneth:It's English director Christopher Nolan. I was shooting blow darts at Maggie Gyllenhaal from a heating vent.

Jenna · Kenneth:I quit this show! To hell with you all! Go to hell! [beat] I just need you to do a quick camera test.

Jenna:I do not understand Christopher Nolan's methods. He's directing a live-action Smurfs sequel, so I went to Times Square, did cartwheels like he asked... We got the whole thing on tape. This was a prank? This isn't body paint. It's a spray they use to kill geese at airports.

Tracy:What happened, J-Mo? Did you pass out in a goose costume at LaGuardia?

Tracy:It's called 'Desire,' but with a 'Z' instead of the second 'E.'

Tracy:All my favorite things: The Knicks, a mop from a strip club, a carefree hobo, a crate with a new giraffe in it, and broccoli.

Tracy:Yeah, I wouldn't know. I lost my sense of smell years ago. But when one sense goes away, the others make up for it. I have an incredible sense of touch. I feel an old Jack-o-lantern from last Halloween.

Unknown writer / Pete:It smells like grandma's house at Christmas. That's when we found her dead on the toilet.

Jack · Pete:Your evaluation gave me pause. Are you sure? Those look like hands to me.

Jack:What if Alexander windowblinds had said, 'no, I don't want to partially see outside'?

Pete:The last time I tried to put myself out there, the girl turned out to be a cop.

Pete:What? Like Frasier? But that's fun...

Pete:My father was a congressman. I was valedictorian at St. Andrew's, an olympic archer, fourth guitarist in Loverboy... As a teenager.

Jack:George W. Bush, during his 'let's do coke and buy the Texas Rangers' phase. But he made a decision to be the best president ever and then he was.

Dr. Spaceman · Tracy:I can either drill a hole in the back of your head and push it out with your brain... Okay, that sounds good. Or I could just pull it out through your nostril. We'll do the second one.

Dr. Spaceman:You know, they don't tell you this until after you've paid for medical school, but being a doctor is exactly like the game 'Operation.'

Tracy · Dr. Spaceman:My Buck Rogers decoder ring! How long has that been in there? Those things are from the '70s.

Dr. Spaceman:Yeah, you know what else is from the '70s? Women staying quiet.

Tracy:When I was nine, I found it on the floor of the 'G' train. I knew if my foster mom saw it, she would make me sell it at a pawn shop to get our family a cheerio.

Liz:Okay, sometimes I think the stories of your childhood poverty are exaggerated, but continue.

Dr. Spaceman:So if you do have an extreme reaction, please try to get it on video for my nephew's funny website.

Kenneth:Liz, are you getting enough vitamin 'C'? May I suggest messily eating an orange while I photograph it?

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth, what do you know about revenge? Well, the Bible says it's wrong, but it's the surprise hit of the season on ABC, so I don't know.

Kenneth:From your trash, Mrs. Maroney. The garbage man knows all.

Jenna:I was so young when I got this. Who even remembers 2007?

Kenneth:Kenneth's garbage monologue: 'In this big trash bag, I see everyone's mistakes, their embarrassing secrets, their dreams they don't dare share with anyone.'

Kenneth:They call me 'the natural.' I'm so good, the other janitors just sit in the basement all day getting drunk and laughing about this idiot they know.

Liz:Look at us, laughing together, like a couple of Jews watching The Daily Show.

Pete · Jack:Including the one that looked like a terrified Asian man? It was a different time, Pete.

Jack:It's the first sport man ever invented. Except of course, uh, hide and seek. Shh.

Jack · Pete:A man who, years ago, was on top of the world, who saw Paula and dragged her back to his cave. Actually she took me that first night.

Jack · Pete:For God's sake, Hornberger, the dummy is winning! Why are you kissing it? I'm submitting to its strength. It's the Alpha.

Tracy:Funny, Kenneth. You don't have any smell at all.

Tracy:Tracy begins singing about smelling, approaching things and people: '♪ Perfume and roses and strong halitosis / Powders and flowers and spicy clam chowders / I can smell, I can smell, I can smell ♪'

Liz · Frank:Liz finds Frank's email confirmation for a solo ticket to see Taylor Swift at Nassau Coliseum.

Frank:She writes the songs herself. When she can't cry anymore, she writes!

Liz · Toofer:You're the man who took professional boudoir photographs and then tried to mail them to Parade magazine columnist Marilyn Vos Savant. I happen to think that smart is sexy. Our foreplay would be puzzle-solving.

Liz:You don't matter. But if you two dirtbags ever mess with me again, I'll take this to the next level. You don't do 22 episodes of 'Celebrity Outhouse' with Lorena Bobbitt without learning a few things.

Liz · Tracy:You're at rehearsal before me? Of course I am, Liz-dad. I'm your good boy. I memorized all my lines, so can I go get dressed for the photo shoot now, so you don't have to wait for me?

Tracy:I know, Dotcom, that's why whenever I smell that jacket, I remember being bored.

Dotcom:Midnight symphony. You are the conductor of your own proud African orchestra.

Liz:It was discontinued a few years ago, but I bought seven cases of it on eBay from a guy named Reggie.

Tracy:You're still here. You didn't go to the store for milk and heroin and then never come back.

Jack:Orville Redenbacher. Corn is not the only thing he popped, if you know what I mean.

Jack:Great men like Richard Nixon, the 1980 Olympic hockey team, my good friend John Rambo.

Pete:The other day I was mugged by what I'm pretty sure was two five-year-olds in a trench coat.

Jack · Pete:Your life is tied to the fate of the ring. It must be destroyed. Are you quoting Lord of the Rings? No, I'm quoting myself talking to Bruce Willis.

Liz:If you can't stand the heat, get off of Mickey Rourke's sex grill.

Jenna:"He is estranged from his son Kellan Lutz from Twilight."

Toofer:He is estranged from his son Kellan Lutz from Twilight.

Liz · Frank · Toofer:I want to be famous to make people love me because I hate myself. The Jenna I talk to at night in the mirror thinks I should kill myself. Also, I caused that Italian cruise ship to crash.

Tracy:You're not gonna wanna run away and start a new family in Ohio and have a daughter you also name Tracy.

Tracy:This is my Jimmy Fallon impression. Awesome, awesome, I love it! It's my favorite!

Tracy:Just some stuff I needed from home, like my bed. It's a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.

Tracy:Angie's cooking smells very ethnic, and I definitely can't be around my family. I didn't expect this, but teenage boys don't smell good.

Liz · Tracy:What about baby Virginia? Do you know what she does in her underwear? Something I once did at the Oscars that caused Daryl Hannah to throw up on me.

Tracy:Philadelphia, 1776. 'John Adams and Mitt Romney enter.'

Liz:So stupid, Lutz. Disgusting. Why don't you learn your lesson and stop trying? That girl at Starbucks smiles at everybody, Lutz. Everybody! She doesn't want you to kiss her. No wonder people don't include you in things. No wonder Kellan never wants to see you again. You're worthless.

Kenneth:Ms. Maroney, judging is for God and his angels. [beat] So, yes, you are.

Kenneth:The writers had me clean out their refrigerator today, so the trash smelled like, to use a technical janitorial term, total ass.

Lutz:Kellan, why?

Jack:Lemon, I invented business mumbling. You white garbage bag full of pudding.

Liz:As a writer, that uncertainty is the fate that always I am to face being.

Jack:Sorkinesque Repartee.

Liz:"As a writer, that uncertainty is the fate that always I am to face being."

Frank · Toofer:We took photos of you and sold them to a garbage fetish website.

Lutz:It's all made up, Jenna. Kellan Lutz isn't my son. He's my grandnephew and we're very close.

Jenna:No, I win. On my self-evaluation, I said I'm the worst person I know. But it's not true! Thanks to you guys, I'm the fourth worst. ♪ Jenna's amazing like a star in the sky ♪

Jack:I never should have told you how to live your life like some sort of American Barack Obama.

Pete · Jack:Do you know what was under my hair? A birthmark. It looks like a swastika made out of penises.

Pete:Do you know what it's like to try to have sex wearing a child's little orphan Annie wig?

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Congratulations, I knew I'd make a man out of you.' / Pete: 'Get out!' / Jack: 'There's the confidence. / Please, just leave.' / Jack: 'Pete, you're welcome.'

Jack · Pete:Congratulations, I knew I'd make a man out of you. Get out! There's the confidence. Please, just leave. Pete, you're welcome.

Tracy · Liz:You wanted to see me, smell? [beat] Sit down, champ. [beat] Why are you so heavy? 'Cause so much of me has died.

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'Sit down, champ.' / Tracy: 'Why are you so heavy?' / Liz: ''Cause so much of me has died.'

Tracy:A magnolia tree in spring, the towels at a Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest, the sweat of a terrified Webster as you load him into a cannon.

Dr. Spaceman:Now, full disclosure, I lost your ring at a Bodeans concert, so I'm going to shove this hilarious pencil-topper up there. Get a haircut, or I'm gonna shove you up a black guy's nose.

Dr. Spaceman:Pencil-topper label: 'Get a haircut, or I'm gonna shove you up a black guy's nose.'

Tracy:Goodbye, helpful Tracy. Goodbye, daddy-head. Goodbye, only evidence tying me to my ex-wife's disappearance.

Pete:In five years, I hope I don't have to do this hat thing any more.

Liz:Well, I'd like to still be working for NBC, or whatever NBC is in five years. A T-shirt company probably?

Lutz:In five years, I'll probably be dead and no one will even notice, and yes, this is my second attempt at writing my self-evaluation.

Liz:My greatest strength is that I'm a good listener. Watch. [beat of silence]