The Shower Principle

Liz Lemon · Howard:Liz's accountant Howard recites her previous years' 'changes' back to her — each year the same template: eating more of the onion ring, a new boyfriend she names and qualifies, and one new habit — revealing her life loops identically every year

Howard · Liz Lemon:Carol described as 'a man. Although we have done nothing that lesbians could not do.'

Howard · Liz Lemon:Wesley described as 'my boyfriend Wesley, whom I hate.'

Howard:'Have I never washed this sweater?'

Howard:'Every morning I get up and come to this office while my wife cheats on me with Jared.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack explains the 'shower principle' — and Liz mishears it as the thing Mrs. Doyle talked to her about in seventh grade

Jack Donaghy:'I was in the shower when I finally got the title of the movie Face Off. Face off, face off. Exactly.'

Frank (or writer):'Nerd alert, nerd alert.' — a writer reacts to Jack's monologue about the anterior superior temporal gyrus

Hank Hooper:Hank Hooper begins a Vietnam war story mid-business presentation: '1968. We were on patrol somewhere near the Cambodian border... So we boiled the skull, and made a tea kettle out of it.'

Jack Donaghy · TGS staff:Dog fashion show pitch: 'Everyone hide your bones.' 'Dogbeard the pirate just sailed into woof harbor.'

Liz Lemon:Liz asks if they can get 'real soda' now that there are record profits, because 'Corka-Coola brand diet banana lime causes tum nungnuss'

Jack Donaghy:The Kabletown blimp is in such disrepair 'we got a jeers in Corporate Blimps Weekly'

Jack Donaghy:'I have to convince Hank Hooper, a white man who still buys Cadillacs.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack predicts that Liz, as she leaves, will do 'something comically undignified' — and she immediately falls for the gumball machine

Liz Lemon:'Why is all the healthy food on the top shelf today?'

Liz Lemon · Hazel · Cerie:Liz tells the male writers to keep their eyes down because women are showing skin in warm weather, then tells Hazel to button up and puts Cerie in a 'soup poncho'

Liz Lemon:The 'every year' talking-head: Liz predicts everything that will happen today — Jenna will feel threatened, take it out on her — 'Every year she... Every year. The same thing happens every year.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna takes a polaroid of men ogling her, saying 'Take a picture, it'll last longer. Here you go.'

Pete Hornberger:Pete mentions his subscription to Shape magazine was canceled by 'Paula' (his wife), treating this as equivalent to losing Cerie

Liz Lemon · Jenna Maroney:Jenna's previous year freakout: 'Jenna accused me of trying to destroy her because her lines didn't have any K sounds, which she thinks is the funniest sound.'

Jenna Maroney:'Oh my God. My cousin Karl crashed his car, and now he's in a coma at the Kendall clinic.'

Pete Hornberger · Liz Lemon:Pete bought a Letterman jacket with 'the German' embroidered on it as a self-imposed nickname — non-refundable because it's personalized

Jenna Maroney:Jenna was 'trained in stage acting and game show pointing at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks'

Liz Lemon:The MacBeth sketch is described as 'a timely satire of MacBeth where mayor McCheese and his wife, an ambitious pickle, murder king Ronald'

Jenna Maroney:'Do you know how many mirrors I've smashed just thinking it was a blonde woman mocking me?'

Cerie:Cerie agrees to do the MacBeth sketch but says she needs to be 'out in time for my band to be on Letterman'

Hazel · Liz Lemon:Hazel invites Liz to a couples' massage at a Catskills resort 'where Henny Youngman used to take his mistresses'

Hazel:'As the doctor said to me after my hepatitis test, you got it, sweetheart.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy watches the news only by playing it as a video game level, saying 'Coming up next, how safe is your building's elevator? Yes! A thousand points!'

Tracy Jordan:'I don't trust my accountant. I think he's lying to me about being Jewish. I step on more wine glasses than he does.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy realizes it's April — not knowing the month — and says he was going to tell Dotcom he loved his novel as an April Fools' joke, then panics: 'This is all hands on deck! K-9, form of desk!'

Jack Donaghy:'I went and took a shower at the Racquet Club, where I saw Lou Dobbs step on his own testicles. It was horrifying.'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'Still trying to get the ol' jumper cables on the tires of your brain muffler?' / 'I don't know cars.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack describes factory work nostalgically: 'The deafening noise of machinery. You have to talk like this! You can only say what's essential! And you get to point at things!'

Liz Lemon:Liz is burning a meditation candle called 'Summer Horse Grave'

Jack Donaghy:'Meditation is a waste of time, like learning French, or kissing after sex.'

Tracy Jordan · Accountant:Tracy's tax situation: scratch-off lottery victories, treasure found on a Caribbean island he owns, and designing Kate Middleton's wedding gown ('She was wonderful. Collaborative, fun, and a little dangerous.')

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's solution to his tax bill: 'I'm not liquid, Liz Lemon. I'm completely solid. I took all of my money and put it in my pool and froze it.'

Tracy Jordan · Accountant:The Snow Dogs 5 title: 'Five Dog Now Five' — 'The S's are fives. Running time, 26 minutes.'

Tracy Jordan:'I forgot, I sponsored the dude that won the Tour de France' — in response to Liz saying 'the cycle is broken'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna on the MacBeth stage doing 'Out, out, damn spot of mustard' — the curse begins physically harming people

Audience member / Unknown:'This is the first time I've ever liked this show. It's so funny.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's speech about coming back to the crew: 'the greatest non-pornography crew I've ever worked with'

Jenna Maroney:'What if I get discovered?' — Jenna worries about being recognized on the TGS stage

Jenna Maroney:'I will screw my courage to the sticking McNugget.'

Stage crew · Director/Liz Lemon:'Careful, don't stab yourself.' / 'Okay, let's take it from Grimace's family being murdered.'

Stage hand · Jenna Maroney:'Sorry. Hard K sounds. Mm.' — Stage hand apologizes after nearly injuring Jenna; the K-sounds theory pays off as physical comedy

Liz Lemon:Liz's meditation hallucination: inner peace described as 'a state of pure inner peace where all pants have built-in underwear'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Liz's enlightened inner voice tells her Jack was right and she should read 'Buffett on Buffets' — a business lunch book apparently by Warren Buffett about buffet restaurants

Liz Lemon's inner voice / Jack:'Why don't you just shut up and tell me your mantra?'

Liz Lemon's inner voice / Jack:'Is it time to make the donuts?'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's meditation session: he lists Liz's problems at her while meditating — 'Boyfriend! DVR! Feet! SMAS Mondays at 10! Female mustache!'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:'Only you can stimulate my anterior superior temporal gyrus.' / 'Buy me a drink first.'

Jack Donaghy:'Lemon, just get another DVR in the bedroom, and then you can record all four shows at once. I've got it. Dump all the unsold dishwashers into the ocean.'

Jack Donaghy:'I once pantsed Deepak Chopra while Craig T. Nelson taped it. I don't meditate.'

Frank Rossitano · Toofer / Writers:Frank tries to drink a gallon of milk — 'it can't be done, oh God, the carpet, somebody hold my hair back'

Jenna Maroney:'My Johnny Choon!' / 'I've seen people killed with shoes, but never like that.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna decides the curse is real after a series of 'accidents' — 'I was just using the curse of the Scottish play as an excuse to act out. But it's real.'

Jenna Maroney:'Ugh, like I need another curse. Too busty.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's meditation inner voice says 'The answer has been there all along. It's right behind you.' Three times, until Jack says 'I don't need an echo. I heard you.'

Unknown male character:'You know what they thought when I saw up your skirt. Nice. Someone won the crotch jackpot.'

Jenna Maroney:'But I'm auditioning to play Señor Wences' wife tomorrow!'

Hazel · Jenna Maroney:Hazel reveals she engineered all of Jenna's 'curse' accidents: 'It was all me, Jenna. The light, your shoe, the chair, your hand.'

Hazel:Hazel's motive for terrorizing Jenna: she wants to be Liz's best friend — 'sing Motown together into hairbrushes, have a pair of vintage Jordache jeans that we share'

Hazel:'But love has enemies... You.'

Hazel:'I can't afford a third strike.' — Hazel explains why she didn't kill Jenna

Jenna Maroney:'But you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran. You didn't kill me when you had the chance.'

Hank Hooper:'I'm not fancy like that, Jack. If I get thirsty, I'll just drink the water from lunch I saved in my cheek.'

Hank Hooper:'Taking my original buttocks wasn't enough for those bastards.'

Hank Hooper:'I'm like a couch in a lot of ways. I fell asleep at a Raymour and Flanigan last week, and a black family tried to buy me.'

Hank Hooper · Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'You won't regret this, Hank.' Hank: 'I only have three regrets in my life, Jack. Not buying the Phillies, not marrying my wife sooner, and not surprising you any quicker with this hug.' Then immediately hugs Jack.

Hank Hooper:'I only have three regrets in my life, Jack. Not buying the Phillies, not marrying my wife sooner, and not surprising you any quicker with this hug.'

Jack Donaghy:'Yup, same as last year.' — Jack says this after Hank hugs him, presumably having been hugged by Hank in the same context the previous year

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's solution to his tax standoff: 'I called the treasury department and told them I won't pay my taxes until I see your president's birth certificate. They told me if I did that, they would arrest me. Things got heated, so I said I had a bomb.'

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:Kenneth asks for a recommendation to reapply to the NBC page program — Liz responds 'We've already done that, Kenneth. We've done all of this!'

Hazel:Hazel's pitch to Jenna: 'Liz and I, or "Lazel," are really worried about you.'

Tracy Jordan:'Oh no, that reminds me. My stand-up tour. Add another zero, Ken.'

Liz Lemon · Kenneth:Liz's breakdown: 'All I wanted was one shred of evidence that my life is moving forward.' Kenneth appears asking for a recommendation to reapply to the NBC page program. Liz: 'We've already done that, Kenneth. We've done all of this!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's couch factory is revealed — a grimy, rat-infested space: 'I haven't secured that level from the rats yet.'

Jack Donaghy:'And where Americans, and for cost reasons, quite a few foreign Americans, will make couches.'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'Do I finally understand vertical integration?' / 'Yes.'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'Jack, the rats have my meditation stool.' / 'Let her go, you bastard!' — Jack fights rats for Liz's meditation stool

Jenna Maroney:Jenna delivers the 'Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow' soliloquy from MacBeth — then ends with 'Would you like to try our apple dippers?' (apparently part of the McDonald's MacBeth script)