Frank Rossitano

No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? Like she was in a porn.

Oh, really, is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now?

Oh, yeah, it's a special kind of G.I. Joe

No, Captain Needa dies. He dies!

What's really sad is that while she's in this fragile state, none of her friends are messing with her head.

My friend in accounting, Lando Calrissian, he says Jack's probably gonna have to fire an actor.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah, if the fish have daddy issues.

What the hell's her movie called? I don't know. She's been talking about it for a year. I can't ask her now.

Oh, that's not good. Frank, that was my blood cookie.

Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you, handsome?

Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

Justice has been served. Good stuff.

Actually, we all kind of liked it. It's not the best thing in the world, but it's solid and Jenna's really good in it.

I guess because I look weird, I can't be perceptive.

I guess because I look weird, I can't be perceptive.

That is awesome. - That is upsetting. - That is awesome.

Because it's Valentine's Day, and you know I don't... Oh, no. It's what? It's Valentine's Day. Again?

Well, who cares, you know? It's just Valentine's Day. It's also her birthday.

Did you just come from a Suzanne Somers look-alike contest?

Marry, boff, kill? Beyoncé, Paula Abdul, and Oprah. Dude, that's beyond easy. Boff Beyoncé, kill Paula, marry Oprah.

'Cause you're a big phony. What? Everything about you is fake. Your tan's fake. Your hair is fake. Not the front.

I stayed up all night watching a Designing Women marathon.

It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?

Like...monkus. Fungdark.

Hey, look everybody Sherlock Homo is here to solve the case of the gay sweater.

Those big farm people hands crushin' my windpipe.

You look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.

I should've just gotten a vasectomy!

Your face... it's like you're happy or something.

'Cause of that dude you're donking. Floyd.

I thought it was moving... my bowels.

So, if you ever need someone to come over and videotape you guys doing it or whatever, I can make room in my schedule.

No judgments.

Hey, I've got a character for Jenna called, 'Me want food.' She's in a supermarket and she keeps going, 'Me want food!'

Fat Hillary. She can be, like, 'Me want food!'

Holy crap, did your tooth just fall out? Oh, that's not great, huh?

Hey!Oh!Me want food! This woman was a mouseketeer, ma'am.

Frank, what do you have this week? Uh, Barry the humping dog is shopping for a ge washer and dryer.

Hah, Frank's gay! / Maybe I am gay. For that little peach.

Did you just come from working out, or are you naturally veiny?

Jamie, how old do you think I am? / I don't know. 29? / Wow. You are good at guessing ages. I am exactly 29.

I bought you a sweater. It's slim-fitting. They call it a French cut. It wasn't on sale or anything.

That's great, Maude. How's Harold?

We're just two straight guys who want to enjoy each other's bodies.

I'm not gay-gay. I'm just gay for Jamie.

I'm not gay-gay. I'm just gay for Jamie.

He didn't leave. He's a submarine commander running silent.

Dude, you got a frohawk, man. Do you think you're better than us?

I've got a new nickname for Josh. Dr. Haircut.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry for whatever I'm going to do at the party tonight. And I forgive all of you in advance for leaving me passed out by the elevator in my own gravy.

Merry Ludachristmas, everyone!

Are you gonna do Horny Santa again, Frank? That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap. / Yes. Funny.

Merry Jewish.

Open, open? Homina, homina, homina? Open Pit barbecue sauce? / Yes. This is the sweet spot.

Oh, and no chitchat between songs this year. People don't watch 'Letterman' for Paul Shaffer.

It's about getting drunk and hugging your cousin until your mom says, 'Frank, enough.'

Is this a culture where toplessness is common?

We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree! / Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Chop it down! / No! No, wait!

A couple of fat pervert losers.

We're the two biggest dirtbags around here. They're gonna try to blame us.

I thought we had a dirtbag alliance!

This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak,and only then will we make our decision.

It's hot,it's loud, there's no pizza. It's like miami.

Look,tre, history's greatest perverts have tried: Walt disney,larry flynt, the japanese, but they can't do it because of the uncanny valley.

You're like that guy that was always jealous of mozart. Salieri? No,thank you. I already ate.

My god. He's a genius.

Where's my mac and cheese?! But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

Where's my sandwich?! Lutz made us do it! No, it was Frank. No, it was you! I'm a patsy?

After my junior year at Oberlin, we road-tripped to South by Southwest.

And I can't have booze because I'm on antibiotics after having some skanky club sex. He's on antibiotics because he lost his lucky penny and assumed it fell in his ear again.

Your surgery was for an undescended testicle. Wrong again. It was for two undescended testicles.

Frank, you've been in your office for three months. What?! Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire!

Aw, come on, it's Movie Party Thursday. I brought in my tape of circus accidents. Please, A lion eats a sad clown.

I think it's a circus in the Philippines. The lion goes nuts and attacks this older clown. How did we start talking about this? Did you bring it up?

Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchucks. I will use these only for good.

Is it a movie where you swap brains with your granddaughter?

You should do your Janis research on Wikipedia. It's online, so anyone can update it.

I have heard that, yes.

That's from 'ALF.' 'ALF' ate cats.

No, she wasn't. Her legs bent the right way.

I've got a thing for damaged goods.

You... the one who cool should be!

What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon. Optometrist. Died. I never really knew my dad, so... I just lie to myself. Space assassin.

Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my fourth birthday lasagna... and never came back.

In Sicilian dialect, it means 'well poisoner.' In Gaelic, Donaghy means 'dung basket.'

fake vomit on it. Right. Fake.

Can someone please tell me how to get out of this building? It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!

It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!

I'm a celebrity! Please!

Why are you not wearing pants?... They still have the heat set for winter and my office is boiling.

Attention, everyone! All menstruating women go home immediately!

They knew what a 'Hot Richard' was?

Do you have a cookie? Mommy's baby needs his yum-Yums.

Hello. Coworker.

I will not be able to attend your wedding. Because of a prior conflict.

Let's go see some naked daughters and moms!

One of those strippers took of Lutz's shirt. That gland thing is no joke!

last weekend, i picked up this girl after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. also a dealbreaker. i took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. as is that. snuck her inside, past my mom. wow, that's four.

also, my girlfriend is mad. in canada.

Up is down. Black is white. Good is evil. And evil... becomes good.

Frank rossitano. queens, new york. I guess dreams can come true

I hope he likes janitor hugs.

So what if kenneth's bitter? He's an underhuman.

Kenneth in charge? Crazier things have happened.

You're not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.

Nine hours. A few minutes.

Were you gonna pee in that jar? I didn't know anyone was here. That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea. Some of them are sun tea, and some of them were sun tea.

Some of them are sun tea, and some of them were sun tea.

where has this jar been?

What's a trash barrel but a big salad bowl filled with trash?

You look like a turtle who lost its shell.

You used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment.

Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. 'cause no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.

My first act as leader, I'm telling them to take down the Internet firewall. We can surf porn again.

Very funny. I'm not Liz!

You've just never seen my reading glasses before, which I have to wear to read your dumb sketches.

And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me, Even though the guy could see me running.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my office trying to have it all!

Uh, the healing power of root beer... That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.

And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.

A picture of President Obama. For the muslims. I'm gonna let that one slide.

Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.

Someone called in a bomb threat from your phone this morning. I renounce Verdukianism!

they use it in japan to keep kids from loitering outside of convenience stores.

i also have this lowfrequency tonethat can only be heard by people over 40. have you started playing it yet?

You think I like sharing a room with Toofer? Dude is still playing that Obama song.

Maybe because one of us still hasn't read the other's screenplay. / I read it. I just didn't like it.

You little bitch. Look at you. You're just a suit. You're nobody!

I left my Sith Lord cloak Too near my mom's shrine to Italian Jesus, And the candles started a fire.

Oh, I'd like to pre-apologize For clogging your tub, sink, and toilet.

Wow. An old white lady yelling at me While wearing microwavable socks. This is so different than living with my mom.

manufactured in a facility that also processes food.

But if doing this restores my sex drive, The plus-sized ladies in the mail room Have you to blame.

Rossitanos have refused to fight in seven wars.

They're called night spanx.

It's a little-understood parasomnial disorder.

They're called night spanx.

You're sleepwalking, Liz. It's a little-understood parasomnial disorder.

Denise, I said wait upstairs. My boss is asleep in the other room. I was told You have a package for the mail room.

I need you, Denise. I'm trying to quit smoking, And my mom's not here. I'm your mama now, baby.

My cousin set me up on a blind date for Valentine's, and I just found out the girl is... well, urban.

You know that load with the messed-up teeth who cleans the urinals? She'll only go out with me if she can bring her ugly sister.

If you don't get that tooth fixed, the infection will probably move to your brain and kill you.

Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.

Okay, this bitch is tripping her ass off.

Just like my favorite golfer OJ Simpson.

Twig and Plums is a Princeton secret society, And Jack is clearly a member

Three-fer, 'cause you're also gay.

Oh, God, it looks like the underside of an octopus!

That's just a cardboard cutout of her.

Yes, that's exactly why we like you. We love you. You solve our problems. That's what you're good at.

You want mommy to make the monsters go away.

If you wanted to cheat on Carol with an Italian dude who smells like cigarettes, I've made it very clear I would flip over my futon for you.

I had to be at work this morning at 11:00.

You know, neighbors who wear my exact size don't die every day!

There's a hygienist there whose boob sometimes touches my ear!

On your wedding night, did he take you in the French fashion?

There's a dealer sticker in the window, you got no plates, and you made these flames out of magic marker and tape!

Frank, how is your armpit thing? Not great. It's almost touching my thigh thing.

I will need to eat your umbilical cord.

Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum?

♪ Everybody's workin' for the weekend ♪ What? Yep. I was in Loverboy.

♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, unh, unh, unh. ♪

'Cause chicks dig British guys. Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee-deep in boob.

It was love! We were in love!

You live with your mother? / Yeah. Otherwise who would wake me up for work?

And it's Rogen.

Skeletor's not my favorite. You are.

Sidney, it's Frank. 'TGS' is dead. Start booking me stand-up gigs. How many black women's colleges are there in the country?

What are you doing? / You just said we're going on a forced hiatus. I know what that means... time for Plan B. / Harriet Tubman School of Nursing? Yes and yes!

They sent light bulbs to save 'Friday Night Lights,' hot sauce to save 'Roswell,' and douche bags to save 'Entourage.'

Hey, I was bailed out of prison and told to come up here?

According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.

Takeout from Hooters! What? That makes no sense! We'll know they touched it!

I never thought I'd feel sorry for a guy with a tattoo of a leprechaun vomiting on a book.

'Broken keyboard talk show'? I write what I know. Also I broke my keyboard.

Broken eyboard alk show

Last night, for dinner, I put milk in my Apple Jacks.

No, I shot my bazooka at the ground to kill myself 'cause Toofer had me cornered.

I'm wearing a diaper, like a baby would.

No, I see you. I'm killing myself. Respawn.

It's so beautiful. A mermaid! Dude, those are diapers.

Ikea's where I used to go pick up newly-single vulnerable chicks. I've gotten women there two, three points hotter than me. So, you know...fours.

It's like when Mickey Rourke tested his catapult on me.

In 48 years, I haven't had one good Valentine's. / Man, if I weren't with Lynn now we could team up. Valentine's Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It's scumbag Christmas!

Look, guys like us have to pick low-hanging fruit. We look like Far side drawings.

Cat shelters, blood banks, the ice cream stand at a Celtic woman concert... And we strike.

Another good place is the beauty salon, where white girls try to do black hair. Sisters come out crying, feeling all bad about themselves, and we walk up on them all, 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Then after we watch Fievel goes west, we're gonna get you some action.

Go to a strip club on Father's Day, and shout things like, 'I'm proud of you!'

I would go to the swimsuit section and switch the tags. I'd take a size six and put a size twelve sticker on it. And then some thick girl would try to squeeze into it, and come out of the dressing room like, 'I've gotten bigger. Why do I even bother dieting?' And I'm all like, 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Oh, baby, did someone throw cereal on you? Let's get you out of these wet clothes. / Oh, what is wrong with you people? / Whatever. Jeremy says she's a tease anyway.

Oh, God. It was mice! The blanket was mice!

It's the only part where we weren't having break-up sex.

It's the only part where we weren't having break-up sex.

I get all my news from the radio in Grand Theft Auto.

None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's day because we all have faces people naturally just want to punch

Colonizers of Malaar. It's a strategy board game from the makers Goblet quest and virginity keep

but that means I control all the wheat!

Thanks a lot, Klootzak. I don't come to where you work and slap the...

It can't be done. Oh, God, the carpet. Somebody hold my hair back.

She writes the songs herself. When she can't cry any more, she writes!

He is estranged from his son Kellan Lutz from Twilight.

We took photos of you and sold them to a garbage fetish website.

At one point, your veneers fell off, and you had these little baby fangs.

you were the only one who shot my wife.

Can I have a hot wife? If you gain 50 pounds. Yeah.

It's about a boy who befriends a talking panda, and they're allowed to sleep in the same bed.

Well, Paula never opens her eyes. So what I do is look at a nursing school catalog I keep under my pillow.

Sorry, Liz. I'm not even sure they serve brunch after... The '90s.

He could play a young Steven Tyler. He looks like me if I were fancy.

That was actually funny, Liz. So why do TGS suck so much?

We should go to a pumpkin patch? Pranksmen, activate.

The rides there capture the thrills and chills of the movies.

To what? - To Criss, Frank.

What the H-E-double-vibrator is that thing on your left hand?

No. / Blimpie's. / No! / Come on, Lutz!

Guys, I know I don't normally say much, but... / What, woman? Speak!

"You changed your name to 'Aardvark'? That's insane!"

If anything ever happens to me and you can't find my body but you can find this, don't overthink it. Just Bury the necklace and move on.