Frank Rossitano

Frank · Jenna Maroney:'I'm in charge.' / 'Oh. Okay.' — Frank claiming authority in Liz's absence.

Frank:'Oh, Pete got fired this morning. That's so weird that you don't know that.'

Liz · Frank:Frank defends Tracy: 'Frank likes his movies.' Liz reframes: 'Frank also loves that video of the monkey smelling his own butt.'

Frank:No, Mom, I can't make it Friday. I got to work. [said in the writers' room]

Liz · Frank:No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? / Like she was in a porn.

Jack · Frank:When Frank is bluffing, he asks inane questions to hide his nervousness. / Oh, really, is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now?

Liz · Frank · Toofer · Writers · Jack:The writers' room is having a spontaneous one-minute dance party to Chamillionaire when Jack Donaghy walks in and they freeze.

Frank:Oh, yeah, it's a special kind of G.I. Joe.

Liz · Pete · Frank:'Nuts to you, McGullicuty.' / 'Who ordered the wieners?' / Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Frank:Frank actually wrote a draft of 'Beep beep, ribby ribby.'

Frank · Tracy (voice):Tracy's downstairs right now rehearsing the best thing we've written all week. / Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Frank · Toofer:What's really sad is that while she's in this fragile state, none of her friends are messing with her head. I think we should do something about that.

Frank:My friend in accounting, Lando Calrissian...

Frank · Toofer:It's like shooting fish in a barrel. / Yeah, if the fish have daddy issues.

Liz · Frank:Frank eats Liz's blood cookie — 'Oh, that's not good. Frank, that was my blood cookie.'

Frank:What? Everybody loves a dude in a dress. I mean, those are the best Bugs Bunnies.

Frank:Hunky Grandma Be Trippin' made $96 million.

Frank · Tracy:Dude, that Shamanda character was the best thing of the night. What was her line? Say it again. / Rodney! Don't make me come over there and beat on you with my boom-booms!

Frank:Whoopi Goldberg does it every day!

Dr. Snoo · Frank · Toofer · Tracy:What else can we not call each other? / How about sweaty greaseball? / Ooh, very good. That's highly offensive. / Person of color. / Guess if you say it like that. / Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch. / Ho-ho! Yes! These words are terrible.

Pete Hornberger · Frank:Pete asks to see a comic book with 'pregnant zombie nuns' and immediately says 'Yes, I do' without hesitation.

Liz · Frank:Tracy announces Jenna's character name: 'Jenna plays a southern lawyer named Constance Justice.' Frank: 'Constance Justice. Justice has been served. Good stuff.'

Frank:Frank: 'The Rural Juror? Man, that's disappointing. I had to let Tony watch me pee to get that tape.'

Frank · Liz:Liz confronts the writers about watching the movie: Frank admits they all liked it. Liz: 'I can't believe you like this movie!' Frank: 'Fine, dismiss me. I guess because I look weird, I can't be perceptive.'

Frank · Liz:Frank and Liz's dueling reactions: 'That is awesome. / That is upsetting. / That is awesome.'

Frank:The ATM hundred-dollar bill complaint: 'It's like having Confederate money. No one's going to take that.'

Tracy · Toofer · Frank:Tracy's autobiography completely breaks down — they reveal they went to Random House and the editor said 'No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you. We do not want your book.'

Frank:Did you just come from a Suzanne Somers look-alike contest?

Frank · Toofer:Marry, boff, kill — Beyoncé, Paula Abdul, and Oprah. / Dude, that's beyond easy. Boff Beyoncé, kill Paula, marry Oprah.

Frank · Toofer · Jenna:Marry, boff, kill — Cerie, Liz, and Jenna. / Marry Liz, get with Cerie, kill Jenna. / I can hear you!

Frank:Fake. And weird.

Frank:Frank's button: 'Fake. And weird.'

Frank · Toofer · Kenneth:Kenneth, this is your chance. Cerie digs you. / Cerie said she would do it with you. / Well, that just makes me perspire.

Jenna · Frank:Jenna confronts Frank: 'You wear your thrift-store T-shirts and your big, weird glasses... What does that even mean?' / Frank: 'It's pretty self-explanatory.' (about his 'Extra Cheese' hat)

Jenna · Frank:Okay, fine. I pooted. It's 3:00 in the morning. Are you happy? / Yeah, I'm happy, because that's the first time you've ever done something like a real person.

Frank · Jenna:Frank apologizes for saying he would kill Jenna. Jenna responds with sincere gratitude: 'Thank you.'

Frank · Writer (unnamed):Dude, I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching a Designing Women marathon. / Oh my God. Oh yeah, me too. At first I hated it. And then I liked it. And then I hated it again. And then I got horny, and then I fell asleep.

Frank:Your face... it's like you're happy or something.

Frank:'Cause of that dude you're donking.

Frank · Liz:Frank attempts to point out something on Liz's face — 'Right here? Other side. Here? Up a little. In that area? You got it.' — and the interaction has no payoff because the audience never learns what it was.

Frank:Frank offers to come over and videotape Liz and Floyd 'doing it or whatever' and says 'I can make room in my schedule.'

Frank · Tracy:Bill Cosby hates you. / Why would he say that? What have I ever done to embarrass black people?

Liz Lemon · Frank:Liz addresses the writers: 'Some of you may be wondering what happened between me and my boyfriend Floyd this summer, and the answer is we did break up' — writer says 'Floyd the black guy' — Liz: 'Okay, you don't care. I don't care either, so... great.'

Frank · Liz Lemon:Frank: 'Liz lost it.' Liz walks in wearing the wedding dress at work.

Liz Lemon · Frank:Frank asks if Liz is going to wear the dress all day. Liz: 'Yeah, Chocolate Rain, maybe I am.'

Frank:Frank pitches 'Me Want Food' character: Jenna in a supermarket going 'me want food!' and suggests making Hillary Clinton into 'Fat Hillary' who also says 'me want food!'

Frank · Liz:Jack to Liz: 'Why do you have to make everything into an issue? Don't you have things to do in your own life? At least I don't live with my mom — ow.'

Frank · Jack:Barry the humping dog is shopping for a GE washer and dryer. / Have not seen that before. / Sharp idea.

Frank:Liz, Lutz and I are going to walk around Times Square and pretend to be foreign. I am from Hamburg, ja! Want to come?

Frank · Frank:Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here. / What? Sexy? You are. Shut up.

Frank · Pete · Pete:I want Jamie. / Yeah, you're gay! / He's totally gay for...

Frank:Did you just come from working out, or are you naturally veiny?

Frank:I bought you a sweater. It's slim-fitting. They call it a French cut. It wasn't on sale or anything.

Frank:Sorry, Jenna. I'm probably gay now. It's never gonna happen between us.

Frank:I made you a painting. It's called 'One-Armed Mermaid That's Part Unicorn With Bigfoot.'

Frank · Jamie · Frank:Jamie! Look, Jamie, I can't take this Sam-and-Diane thing anymore. I need to know what we're doing here. / Nothing, Frank. I'm not gay. / I'm not gay, either. That's why it's perfect. We're just two straight guys who want to enjoy each other's bodies.

Frank:Guys, this isn't working. I'm not gay-gay. I'm just gay for Jamie.

Frank:Frank addressing gay men at the bar: 'Look, you dudes are great, a lot of fun to dance with, and you smell awesome. Enjoy your night.'

Frank · Pete:Frank: 'Well, I got a squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk bed, so I think I got the full Harvard experience.' Pete: 'That does sound pretty accurate.'

Frank:Frank walks up to Toofer with a Harvard sweatshirt on: 'What's up, dude? I went to Harvard.'

Toofer · Pete · Frank:Toofer produces the Signet Society pin, Pete produces the same pin from his pocket, Toofer says 'Oh, you mean this pin?' — and Pete points out 'Your lame thing is on his pants.'

Frank · Writer:Hey, guys, it's me... Frank. / Oh, no. Escalation!

Frank · Toofer:Frank's mom is invoked in the hat insult; Frank defends her: 'My mom's a great lady.' Toofer: 'Was it her greatness that made your dad leave?'

Frank:Frank: 'He didn't leave. He's a submarine commander running silent.'

Frank · Toofer:Frank/Toofer feud: 'If we give up our feud now, we'll be ridiculed. Remember when Lutz cried during that diamond commercial? It'd be worse than that.'

Frank · Toofer · Josh:Frank and Toofer's feud is resolved because Josh got a frohawk: 'Hey, look who bailed on their lame feud.' — beat — 'Dude, you got a frohawk, man. Do you think you're better than us?'

Josh · Frank · Toofer:Josh: 'It's not even my normal barber. My mom did it.' The writers: 'Dr. Haircut!'

Frank:Frank's preemptive apology for Ludachristmas party behavior, ending with 'I forgive all of you in advance for leaving me passed out by the elevator in my own gravy.'

Jenna · Frank:Jenna recalling sitting on Frank's lap during 'Horny Santa' last year: 'That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap.' Frank replies: 'Yes. Funny.'

Frank:Frank's speech about Christmas: 'It's about getting drunk and hugging your cousin until your mom says, Frank, enough.'

Frank · Lutz:Lutz, come here. We should form an alliance. / A what? / An alliance. We're the two biggest dirtbags around here.

Lutz · Frank:I don't think people see me that way. / Yeah, they do. You and me. A couple of fat pervert losers. / My sister-in-law did kinda a makeover on me. I thought--/ No. No.

Frank · Lutz:Thanks, Judas. / I thought we had a deal. / You lie! / Who cares if you went to Harvard? Who cares?

Liz · Frank:Why are you still here? / I love it up here. It's hot, it's loud, there's no pizza. It's like Miami.

Frank:First of all, the subject of the email was 'Check this out!'

Frank:It is your fault because if you hadn't created this show, we wouldn't even be here!

Frank:You're savoring it? What, you think you're better than us?

Frank · Lutz:And I can't have booze because I'm on antibiotics after having some skanky club sex. He's on antibiotics because he lost his lucky penny and assumed it fell in his ear again.

Frank · Lutz:Shut up, Lutz. Your surgery was for an undescended testicle. Wrong again. It was for two undescended testicles.

Jenna · Frank:Oh, come on, you guys. You guys do one. I've had 10 shots. You've only had five shots. No, today. I've had 10 shots today.

Frank:Frank's credit on the porn video game: 'I got an Additional Filth By credit.'

Frank · Tracy:Frank has been playing Dong-Slayer for three months without realizing it: 'Dude, I played this thing for a couple hours. It's okay, I guess.' / 'Frank, you've been in your office for three months.'

Frank:Frank has been playing Goregasm for three months and his reaction: 'Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire!'

Tracy · Frank:My video game is selling through the rizznoof! / Whoa, that's not slang. He has a speech impediment.

Tracy · Frank:I think I did it alone... and this check is the prizznoof. / Now that one was just him being obnoxious.

Liz · Frank:Liz wants everyone to be on their best behavior, leading to 'Nothing weird.' / Aw, come on, it's Movie Party Thursday. I brought in my tape of circus accidents.

Frank:No! Please. A lion eats a sad clown. Tomorrow.

Frank:Can I hide this box of penis pasta in your dressing room?

Frank · Unknown:I think it's a circus in the Philippines. The lion goes nuts and attacks this older clown. How did we start talking about this? Did you bring it up?

Tracy · Frank:Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchucks. / I will use these only for good.

Frank · Jenna:A writer asks if Jenna's movie is 'one where you swap brains with your granddaughter.'

Frank · Jenna:Frank suggests Jenna do her Janis Joplin research on Wikipedia, noting 'It's online, so anyone can update it' — because people are 'finding out new things about Janis Joplin every day.'

Frank · Pete · Jenna:Frank tells Pete: 'Your Wikipedia prank is inspired.' But then we see Jenna preparing to eat a cat.

Jenna · Frank:Frank confesses he put fake stuff on Wikipedia. Jenna's outrage: 'This is my chance to win an Oscar. The Academy loves dead singers and the handicapped, and Janis was both!'

Frank:'No, she wasn't. Her legs bent the right way.' — correcting Jenna's claim that Janis Joplin was handicapped.

Frank:Frank admits he's 'turned on' by Jenna's tequila-fueled Joplin meltdown. 'I've got a thing for damaged goods.'

Frank:Frank tells Jenna her raw emotional performance will win an Oscar: 'If you can get this raw in the movie, you are going to win the Oscar.'

Frank:Frank is excitedly talking about finding the 'secret skate park in Grand Theft Auto 4' the morning after sleeping with Jenna.

Katie · Euzebia · Jenna · Frank:A second writer reveals she's been secretly dating Frank, attacking Jenna: 'You stay away from my Frank!' followed by multiple other women appearing with the same claim.

Frank · Other Staff:There's something under here! — It's nothing but a bunch of tarantula food. — What? I didn't even know Tracy had a tarantula.

Frank:This isn't about the money, this is about my own issues with Liz.

Frank · Liz:Hey, Liz. Me, Lutz, Toofer, and Josh are going to go to that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas. You in?

Jack · Frank · Writers:Yeah, Let's go. Hey, now. [Jack walks into the gay bar — reaction beat as everyone turns]

Jack · Frank · Toofer · Lutz · Josh:What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon. Optometrist. Died. I never really knew my dad, so I just lie to myself. Space assassin.

Frank · Jack:In Sicilian dialect, it means 'well poisoner.' In Gaelic, Donaghy means 'dung basket.'

Frank:Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my fourth birthday lasagna and never came back.

Frank · Jack:We're going to Lutz's to watch movies. Tonight, a classic. Harry and the Hendersons. You in, Jack? Uh, yes. But I don't want to go to Lutz's apartment. His contract is up, and I don't want to feel sorry for him.

Frank · Jack:Goodbye, my friend. He had to be mean to save him. Harry belonged in the woods.

Jack · Frank:This reminds me of my favorite movie. Shane. Oh! When Joey wants to go with Shane and Shane makes him stay. Maybe it's because we didn't have fathers. Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies where the father figure pushes away the child/legendary North American forest ape.

Jack · Frank:But we both know you shouldn't be working at a desk with... fake vomit on it. Right. Fake.

Jenna · Frank:Jenna time. / Friends. I am leaving T.G.S. for Columbia Law School—

Frank:I am leaving T.G.S. for Columbia Law School to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer. [long pause / shocked silence]

Jack · Frank · Liz:Did you know that if you sing 'Happy Birthday' on a TV show, you have to pay for it? I did not know that. # Hap...? Hey!

Jack · Frank:Now, let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American Judicial System. My client... has no memory of that. I also would have accepted, 'You can't prove that's the governor's semen.'

Liz · Frank:And get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding because it's fun and people like it. Where are we going? I already cleaned out my office.

Jack · Frank:You've got to go. No. I'm going to be a lawyer. I'm going to be like you. Get out of here! Go to the writers' room! There is no scholarship! Can't you see we don't want you anymore?

Liz · Frank:Why are you not wearing pants? / They still have the heat set for winter and my office is boiling.

Liz · Frank:I am not asking you this as the boss you love to undermine, but as the friend whose birthday you love to forget. Oops!

Liz · Frank:Liz tells Frank to 'be normal sauce' for two hours

Jack · Frank:Including English, Frank. / They knew what a 'Hot Richard' was?

Frank:Oh. 9:00 A.M. Monday. Right, Liz? I'll be there with pants on. You're the best!

Liz · Frank:Liz: 'I have since had Invisalign.' Frank: 'That is not attractive.'

Liz · Frank:Frank's hat says 'constant cving.' — Liz: 'He could do better.'

Frank · Unknown Coworker:Hi, Frank. / Hello. / Coworker.

Frank:'If I have a strawberry, my throat shuts up faster than a girl in math class.'

Frank · Liz Lemon:Frank hitting Liz as a demonstration of equal treatment

Frank:last weekend, i picked up this girl after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. i took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. snuck her inside, past my mom.

Frank:she sees my mint-condition hellboy figurine and starts quoting your dumb book!

Frank:also, my girlfriend is mad. in canada.

Frank:well, it's kind of annoying when you're microwaving, like, a burrito, and the burrito won't rotate because it's too big. it just gets caught against the sides and the tray under it rotates, but it doesn't rotate.

Frank · Dinesh Mehta:frank, i can't! if i make it any bigger, the door will be too heavy. fine! forget it. wait. say that again. i said forget it. for...get it. four smaller doors.

Frank · Jack Donaghy:we'll crack this yet. 'we'll' crack this yet. wheel. put wheels on it. nice.

Frank · Jack Donaghy:and cup holders. everyone loves cup holders. okay, i've been up for the last 50 hours, but i think this is a good idea. let's get rid of the oven entirely and replace it with an am/fm radio. okay, it's a car. we've invented the pontiac aztec.

Frank · Writers:Remember last year? [flashback implied: party guests complain about writers' party from across the street]

Frank:It's a magical night where women dress slutty and drink too much, where we can hide our bodies in bulky costumes.

Frank · Jenna Maroney:Up is down. Black is white. Good is evil. And evil... becomes good. [Jenna enters with cookies]

Frank:How can a dude in a midriff top dominate me like that?

Frank:Frank Rossitano. Queens, New York. I guess dreams can come true.

Frank · Writers:Frank as new boss: 'My first act as leader — I'm telling them to take down the internet firewall. We can surf porn again.' / Writers: 'Wonderful, porn!' / 'I like porn.'

Frank · Writer:Frank dressed like Liz — reading glasses, bag of scripts, sweater — and being mistaken for Liz by a colleague: 'Have a good night, Liz.' / Frank: 'Very funny.' / 'I'm not Liz!'

Frank:Frank bursts in: 'Guys, standards is saying no to the rubik's pube thing.'

Pete · Jack Donaghy · Frank:Pete/Jack seeing Frank-as-Liz: 'You look exactly like Liz.' / Frank: 'Shut up! You've just never seen my reading glasses before... And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me...'

Frank:Frank: 'You dummies have no idea what it's like to be in charge. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my office trying to have it all!'

Frank · Spurlock:The healing power of root beer... That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.

Frank · Lutz:♪ Oh, meat bowl of Verduke / you bring me such pizza ♪ [♪ meatbowl ♪]

Kenneth · Frank:Secret Santa has been cancelled because I have lost my faith. [Something's changed in us. It's a Christmas miracle.] That certainly proves God exists. [If God existed, then he would punish you for what you did to me. And yet here you are unpunished. Ergo, our actions have no consequences.] So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.

Frank:And yet here you are unpunished. Ergo, our actions have no consequences. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.

Cop · Frank · Spurlock:All right, which one of you are Frank Rossitano and James Spurlock? They are we. You're under arrest. What did we do? Someone called in a bomb threat from your phone this morning.

Frank · Cop:I renounce Verdukianism! [What's that mean?] Are you Al Qaeda? Come here, pal!

Pete · Frank:what are you happy about? / did we get canceled?

Frank:um, i already turned it off.

Frank:You can't have talked about it! You just said you didn't even know about it.

Frank:You think I like sharing a room with Toofer? Dude is still playing that Obama song. And yeah, I know you're standing there!

Toofer · Frank:I don't know. Maybe because one of us still hasn't read the other's screenplay. / I read it. I just didn't like it.

Writer · Frank:Dudes, you are not gonna believe this. Snitterman is here. / We should go up there and mess him up for all the crap he's put us through.

Writer · Frank:You little bitch. / Look at you. You're just a suit. You're nobody! I don't even know why I was scared of this guy.

Frank · Lutz:Frank casually asks the writers' room if they know any 'cool, new sex positions' for his 'girlfriend' Karen's Valentine's visit

Lutz · Frank:'Oh, my God, Lutz. Are you still pretending Karen exists?' / 'She's real. Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?'

Frank · Toofer:Toofer's Valentine's Day solution: go out with Frank and a janitor with 'messed-up teeth' who 'will only go out with me if she can bring her ugly sister'

Frank:Frank's Valentine's plans: 'That cleaning lady finally agreed to go out with me. We're going to pick up some pierogies and then eat them at her husband's grave.'

Frank:Frank's taunt: 'You thought you were so much smarter than us, didn't you? But now, you're in the exact same crappy Valentine's Day boat everyone else is in.'

Frank:'In fact, yours is worse. If you don't get that tooth fixed, the infection will probably move to your brain and kill you.'

Liz Lemon · Frank:Liz: 'Yeah, well, if I die, my ghost is going to haunt you.' / Frank: 'Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.'

Frank:Say it ain't so, Tray. What about the Seattle Seahawks cheerleader? That one kind of thick Rockette? That blind woman in the business class bathroom on the Acela?

Frank:I looked up to you. Now I hate you.

Frank:I am sick of that guy's positive energy.

Frank:So much of my life have I wasted putting things on hats!

Frank:I'm keeping my hat on. I don't care, man.

Toofer · Frank:Surculus et pruna is the motto of the Twig and Plums. And their motto is, 'Above all, be boring.' / Twig and Plums is a Princeton secret society, and Jack is clearly a member. So if someone says 'Twig and Plums' in front of a member, he has to find an excuse to leave the room, no matter what he's doing.

Frank:Jack messed with the wrong fat losers.

Frank:Pranksmen... stand down.

Tracy · Pete · Frank:Nickname suggestions for Toofer/James: 'Victoria Q. Nerdballs,' 'Kanye East,' 'Super Virgin!' 'Splock, short for "black Spock."' 'Three-fer, 'cause you're also gay.'

Liz Lemon · Frank:Frank claims he had a 'doctor's appointment' instead of admitting he went to Thursday Night Thunder — then immediately screams about the underside of an octopus

Frank's Mom · Frank:Frank's mom brings a bathtub photo of 'little Frankie' taken before senior prom

Frank:On your wedding night, did he take you in the French fashion?

Frank · Liz Lemon:Well, I just finished a screenplay where a tidal wave destroys Washington. Someone write down tidal wave. Shut him up.

Frank · Toofer · Jenna:Writers competing to impress Lutz — 'Lutz is the best. / Nice feet, Lutz. / I like Lutz the most.'

Jack · Frank:Frank, how is your armpit thing? Not great. It's almost touching my thigh thing.

Frank · unknown colleague:Hey, guess who's getting out of jail. I don't know. But I hope they didn't collect $200.

Toofer · Frank:You never said you were in Lynn Onkman's class. Do you know the kid she had an affair with? No. Yes. I don't know. Shut up.

Lynn · Frank:They kept remaking The Hulk and it kept getting worse. Could we talk about something other than comic book movies?

Lynn · Frank:You're still talking about superheroes and video games and why Seth Logan shouldn't have played the green something. Hornet. Yeah. And it's Rogen.

Frank · Lynn:Oh. I wonder why I'm stuck. What could've happened to me when I was 14 to make me never want to grow up? Inside voice, Frank.

Frank · Lynn:I want to become the man you waited for. The man you helped cheat on the presidential physical fitness test. Well, if you didn't get better at the shuttle run, they were gonna put you in the hospital.

Lynn · Frank:Oh, no. That's your favorite. You can't. Skeletor's not my favorite. You are.

restaurant manager · Lynn · Frank:Are you throwing toys in the fryer? You're fired, Onkman. Now give me a waiver to sign. The world has to be educated about blurry face syndrome.

Frank:Sidney, it's Frank. 'TGS' is dead. Start booking me stand-up gigs. How many black women's colleges are there in the country?

Frank · Jenna:Oh, so you're doing a torture porn thing, like 'Saw'? Exactly. In fact, the producers of this movie rented 'Saw' and watched it.

Liz Lemon · Frank:Frank, what is this? 'Broken eyboard alk show'? / I write what I know. Also I broke my keyboard.

Frank:So, we're counting on Tracy? Forget it!

Liz Lemon · Frank:Frank, what is this? 'Broken eyboard alk show'? I write what I know. Also, I broke my keyboard.

Liz · Frank:Frank, you have a girlfriend. / And Lynn wants me to give up video games 'cause she thinks I need to grow up. / How's this for grown up? Last night, for dinner, I put milk in my Apple Jacks.

Frank · Toofer:I distracted you, and you died. Game over. / No, I shot my bazooka at the ground to kill myself 'cause Toofer had me cornered. Now I respawn and start over.

Frank:So you're killing yourself rather than let someone else win? That's why everyone has zero kills and we've been playing for 18 hours.

Liz · Frank · Toofer:Unbelievable! You're still here? / It's still 0-0-0. / To 0.

Frank · Lutz:Speaking of trapped, I got you, Lutz! / Nope. Grenade. Blowing myself up.

Frank · Toofer · Lutz:No, I see you. I'm killing myself. Respawn. / Respawn. / Damn it!

Frank:Oh, my God. Wait, how long have we been here?

Frank:Frank on picking up women at Ikea: 'I've gotten women there two, three points hotter than me. So, you know...fours.'

Frank:Lutz in Ikea parking lot, Frank's backstory: 'Back in the day, you know how many women me and Lamar Odom's dad picked up here? And keep in mind, back then this was a marsh, where people came to shoot at fish.'

Lutz · Frank · Liz:Lutz hits on Liz with 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?' Liz's reaction; Frank: 'About time. The last six years has been like watching Moonlighting.'

Frank · Liz:Liz: 'You want to know the reason why Lutz is alone? Lutz! And Dollhouse penis syndrome.' Lutz's horrified reaction.

Frank · Tracy · Lutz:Frank's Valentine's payoff: 'Worse than me trying to send a fax.' / 'I spent Valentine's with friends. / We are work acquaintances at best. At worst, we are rivals who inspire and try to make each other better.'

Tracy · Frank · Lutz:'Now let's go get some tiny meatballs.' / 'Meatballs, here we come!' / 'Meatballs!'

Liz · Frank:No one can remember why anymore. [beat] You were his teacher, and you seduced him.

Frank:Liz, we just need you to go along with this until... I don't know, my mom dies. Or I die.

Frank:Yeah. I had to sleep here. You know, they turned the heat off. If I hadn't found that other blanket, I'd... Wait, where'd it go? Oh, God. It was mice! The blanket was mice!

Frank:I haven't gained weight in months. It wasn't worth it.

Liz · Frank:First of all, why were you in my bedroom, and why would you tell me that part of the conversation? / It's the only part where we weren't having break-up sex.

Frank:None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's day because we all have faces people naturally just want to punch.

Frank:Colonizers of Malaar. It's a strategy board game from the makers of Goblet Quest and Virginity Keep.

Frank · Jack:Uh, unicorns? / Can you breed and sell them? There's got to be a market for unicorns. If I've learned anything from reading Liddy's princess books, unicorn hair has magical properties. You've got to know your product, Frank.

Frank · Jack:And you would presume to wield the scepter of Thalbain? / Yes. Yes, I would.

Jack · Frank:I'd like to spend my remaining gold to purchase a fire spell. / And against whom will you be casting this spell? / Against myself. I am setting fire to my own desert.

Frank · Sue:Your highness, you may take your right as king. / I am a virgin... with white guys.

Liz · Frank:Liz finds Frank's email confirmation for a solo ticket to see Taylor Swift at Nassau Coliseum.

Frank:She writes the songs herself. When she can't cry anymore, she writes!

Liz · Frank · Toofer:I want to be famous to make people love me because I hate myself. The Jenna I talk to at night in the mirror thinks I should kill myself. Also, I caused that Italian cruise ship to crash.

Frank · Toofer:We took photos of you and sold them to a garbage fetish website.

Frank:I ate a pizza slice off your back. At one point, your veneers fell off, and you had these little baby fangs.

Jack · Frank:Frank, you do stand-up. How would you like to have your own sitcom? / Can I have a hot wife? / If you gain 50 pounds. / Yeah.

Frank · Tracy:Frank: 'Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'nique, and Roseanne Barr. Now that's some funny women.' Tracy: 'All of whom have screamed at me because they were on their period.'

Frank:'What the H-E-double-vibrator is that thing on your left hand?'