Into The Crevasse

Liz:i wrote that! i'm liz lemon.

Liz · Mike:if your man is over 30, and still wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker. but not you, mike. that's not you. mike, leave my cutout alone.

Liz:okay, you know, i'm gonna do the same thing to your cutout. oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody.

Liz:blam-o! another successful interaction with a man!

Jack:i'll be sure to go see fonzie's jacket. you sit on it as well.

Liz:hey, if you're going to d.c., i lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.

Jack:lemon numbers among my employees.

Jack:and now, your president-who, by the way, is kenyan and smokes cigarettes

Unknown singer:and she told her daddy she was doin' the microwave / do the microwave

Jack:did that happen?

Jack:and catch the afternoon bus back to chinatown.

Liz:i took it out to eat astronaut ice cream at the air and space museum.

Frank · Liz:last weekend, i picked up this girl after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. also a dealbreaker. i took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. as is that. snuck her inside, past my mom. wow, that's four.

Frank:also, my girlfriend is mad. in canada.

Liz:really? i did big sister in college. that little girl taught me how to use tampons.

Kenneth:oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. it's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.

Jenna:this is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in iceland.

Jenna:i play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things, and who-spoiler alert-may herself be a werewolf.

Jenna:i've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in iceland, where i'm filling in last-minute for victoria beckham.

Tracy:liz lemon! you booger face! i'm gonna kill you with a bazooka!

Tracy:a book hasn't caused me this much trouble since where's waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jonathan:let's hit the meadowlands racetrack on the way home. i've got a betting system based on horse penis size.

Jack:yes, and no. yes, that did happen. no, it didn't not happen.

Jack:when silly willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays companywide-

Jonathan:yes, but i have a system.

Jack · Banks:why do you have a gavel? this isn't the congress. i brought it from home.

Tracy:so instead of going to a hotel, or my houseboat, which i cannot find, i'm staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.

Tracy:oh, yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. just put him in the tub with a reef.

Kenneth:i never even had a dog, 'cause, as my mom would say, you can't eat love.

Kenneth:and as my mom's friend ron would say, 'the donkey died. you're the donkey now, kenneth. just another animal. might as well be a rat. an adorable rat, who shows you it's okay to be scared during a thunderstorm.'

Banks:you know, revenge is a dish best served cold, jack. like...sashimi. or pizza.

Banks · Jack:you prefer cold pizza? the morning after, it's the best. better than hot pizza? that's insane. you don't tell me what kind of pizza to like.

Banks:oh, my god, malia, he did not say that! let's text him now.

Banks:even to the world's gayest country, ireland.

Banks:by the time i'm done, you're gonna make aig look like the lehman brothers of microwaves.

Jack:think of the pensions, the employees, the kittens we use to test microwave strength.

Jack:donaghy saves g.e., marries your mom.

Jack:laser shield.

Tracy:tracy and liz's residence. tracy speaking.

Jenna:well, iceland appears to have a different sun than america, because this one is not setting.

Jenna:and you probably don't know this, because you've never played a moonologist

Liz · Jenna:yes, i remember that from the thriller video. too soon.

Jenna:i'm told tomorrow night we may get as much as a minute of darkness.

Jack:if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? before you answer, consider your loneliness.

Liz:no, i don't. i don't even know why you brought that thing.

Liz Lemon:no, i don't.i don't even know why you brought that thing.

Tracy:if your man owns a diamond necklace that says open marriage, that's a dealbreaker!

Liz:all you can do is turn the heat up, pour some whisky in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.

Liz:well, that's not gonna work for me, because jenna is immune to whisky, and tracy is afraid of juice.

Unknown writer:what if microwaves broke down more easily, so people would have to buy new ones more often?

Pete:wow, that sounds exactly like the philosophy that almost destroyed the u.s. auto industry.

Jack:this isn't the auto industry, pete. the auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. we're g.e., damn it.

Jack:for...get it. four smaller doors.

Jenna:the right! you hait in the rit.

Jack:she doesn't like to refill the brita. i will cut the baby in half. and i will take the top half. for this is the part with the face.

Jack Donaghy:and i will take the top half.for this is the part with the face.

Jack:so fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, i climbed down into the darkness.

Jack:cone chung, you did the right thing. thank you.

Jenna:i have mercury poisoning from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.

Jack:okay, it's a car. we've invented the pontiac aztec.

Jack Donaghy:okay, it's a car.we've invented the pontiac aztec.

Tracy:the curious case of benjamin butt.

Liz · Tracy:i'ma do us? what does that even mean? that's a pun on amadeus, dummy.

Tracy:until you're adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica.

Tracy:oh, yeah, and i used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from the teaching company.

Liz:tracy is producing a porno based on my life. and i'm writing it.

Jack · Jonathan:not with a bang, but with a whimper. a whimper indeed, jack.

Jack:i'll have you know that barry diller and i are working on a whole new approach to media, combining digital technology with god!

Jack Donaghy · Banks:but if you had forced me to take government bailout money, you'd be my boss. oh, my.

Jack:your hands sticky from candy.

Banks · Jack:i'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay. no one is. it's just happening.

Liz:jenna...you're my friend. no matter what. i will always look after you. that's not going to change.

Jenna:oh, liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.

Liz:my retainer. now my dad won't be mad at me.

Tracy:and cut. this is disgusting. shut it down.

Liz Lemon:and cut.this is disgusting.shut it down.