Into The Crevasse

i wrote that! i'm liz lemon.

if your man is over 30, and still wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker. but not you, mike. that's not you. mike, leave my cutout alone.

okay, you know, i'm gonna do the same thing to your cutout. oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody.

blam-o! another successful interaction with a man!

i'll be sure to go see fonzie's jacket. you sit on it as well.

hey, if you're going to d.c., i lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.

lemon numbers among my employees.

and now, your president-who, by the way, is kenyan and smokes cigarettes

and she told her daddy she was doin' the microwave / do the microwave

did that happen?

and catch the afternoon bus back to chinatown.

i took it out to eat astronaut ice cream at the air and space museum.

last weekend, i picked up this girl after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. also a dealbreaker. i took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. as is that. snuck her inside, past my mom. wow, that's four.

also, my girlfriend is mad. in canada.

really? i did big sister in college. that little girl taught me how to use tampons.

oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. it's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.

this is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in iceland.

i play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things, and who-spoiler alert-may herself be a werewolf.

i've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in iceland, where i'm filling in last-minute for victoria beckham.

liz lemon! you booger face! i'm gonna kill you with a bazooka!

a book hasn't caused me this much trouble since where's waldo went to that barber pole factory.

let's hit the meadowlands racetrack on the way home. i've got a betting system based on horse penis size.

yes, and no. yes, that did happen. no, it didn't not happen.

when silly willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays companywide-

yes, but i have a system.

why do you have a gavel? this isn't the congress. i brought it from home.

so instead of going to a hotel, or my houseboat, which i cannot find, i'm staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.

oh, yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. just put him in the tub with a reef.

i never even had a dog, 'cause, as my mom would say, you can't eat love.

and as my mom's friend ron would say, 'the donkey died. you're the donkey now, kenneth. just another animal. might as well be a rat. an adorable rat, who shows you it's okay to be scared during a thunderstorm.'

you know, revenge is a dish best served cold, jack. like...sashimi. or pizza.

you prefer cold pizza? the morning after, it's the best. better than hot pizza? that's insane. you don't tell me what kind of pizza to like.

oh, my god, malia, he did not say that! let's text him now.

even to the world's gayest country, ireland.

by the time i'm done, you're gonna make aig look like the lehman brothers of microwaves.

think of the pensions, the employees, the kittens we use to test microwave strength.

donaghy saves g.e., marries your mom.

laser shield.

tracy and liz's residence. tracy speaking.

well, iceland appears to have a different sun than america, because this one is not setting.

and you probably don't know this, because you've never played a moonologist

yes, i remember that from the thriller video. too soon.

i'm told tomorrow night we may get as much as a minute of darkness.

if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? before you answer, consider your loneliness.

no, i don't. i don't even know why you brought that thing.

no, i don't.i don't even know why you brought that thing.

if your man owns a diamond necklace that says open marriage, that's a dealbreaker!

all you can do is turn the heat up, pour some whisky in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.

well, that's not gonna work for me, because jenna is immune to whisky, and tracy is afraid of juice.

what if microwaves broke down more easily, so people would have to buy new ones more often?

wow, that sounds exactly like the philosophy that almost destroyed the u.s. auto industry.

this isn't the auto industry, pete. the auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. we're g.e., damn it.

for...get it. four smaller doors.

the right! you hait in the rit.

she doesn't like to refill the brita. i will cut the baby in half. and i will take the top half. for this is the part with the face.

and i will take the top half.for this is the part with the face.

so fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, i climbed down into the darkness.

cone chung, you did the right thing. thank you.

i have mercury poisoning from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.

okay, it's a car. we've invented the pontiac aztec.

okay, it's a car.we've invented the pontiac aztec.

the curious case of benjamin butt.

i'ma do us? what does that even mean? that's a pun on amadeus, dummy.

until you're adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica.

oh, yeah, and i used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from the teaching company.

tracy is producing a porno based on my life. and i'm writing it.

not with a bang, but with a whimper. a whimper indeed, jack.

i'll have you know that barry diller and i are working on a whole new approach to media, combining digital technology with god!

but if you had forced me to take government bailout money, you'd be my boss. oh, my.

your hands sticky from candy.

i'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay. no one is. it's just happening.

jenna...you're my friend. no matter what. i will always look after you. that's not going to change.

oh, liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.

my retainer. now my dad won't be mad at me.

and cut. this is disgusting. shut it down.

and cut.this is disgusting.shut it down.