Into The Crevasse

Liz Lemon:i wrote that! i'm liz lemon.

Liz Lemon · Mike:"if your man is over 30 and still wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker." but not you, mike. that's not you. mike, leave my cutout alone.

Liz Lemon:okay, you know, i'm gonna do the same thing to your cutout. oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody. blam-o!

Liz Lemon:blam-o! another successful interaction with a man!

Jack Donaghy:if i find time, i'll be sure to go see fonzie's jacket. you sit on it as well.

Liz Lemon:hey, if you're going to d.c., i lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:"lemon numbers among my employees."

Jack Donaghy:ever since these buffoons from detroit took private planes, the rest of us have to put on a show.

Jack Donaghy:and now, your president — who, by the way, is kenyan and smokes cigarettes — has created an industry task force for microwaves.

Unknown Singer / Background:* and she told her daddy she was doin' the microwave *

Jack Donaghy:and catch the afternoon bus back to chinatown.

Liz Lemon:i took it out to eat astronaut ice cream at the air and space museum.

Frank:last weekend, i picked up this girl after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. i took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. snuck her inside, past my mom.

Frank:she sees my mint-condition hellboy figurine and starts quoting your dumb book!

Frank:also, my girlfriend is mad. in canada.

Kenneth:ms. lemon, would it be all right if i only worked 20 hours today? i'm volunteering at an animal shelter later on.

Kenneth:oh, yes. i also help out at the pants for zoo animals program and big brother.

Liz Lemon:really? i did big sister in college. that little girl taught me how to use tampons.

Kenneth:oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. it's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.

Jenna Maroney:i've agreed to star in a sexy, supernatural thriller in the vein of twilight and true blood. this is actually a werewolf picture that, for tax reasons, is shooting in iceland.

Jenna Maroney:i play a moon scientist who's trying to get to the bottom of things, and who — spoiler alert — may herself be a werewolf.

Jenna Maroney:i've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in iceland, where i'm filling in last-minute for victoria beckham.

Tracy Jordan:liz lemon! you booger face! i'm gonna kill you with a bazooka!

Tracy Jordan:no, it's off me! a book hasn't caused me this much trouble since where's waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jack Donaghy:this'll take ten minutes. let's hit the meadowlands racetrack on the way home. i've got a betting system based on horse penis size.

Jack Donaghy:yes, and no. yes, that did happen. no, it didn't not happen.

Jack Donaghy:when silly willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays companywide—

Jack Donaghy:i'm being told that company money is being gambled at racetracks. yes, but i have a system.

Senator Banks · Jack Donaghy:in 2007, a g.e. officer used corporate funds to throw a cabaret-themed halloween party on fire island. as i recall, that was you.

Jack Donaghy · Senator Banks:why do you have a gavel? this isn't the congress. i brought it from home.

Tracy Jordan:instead of going to a hotel, or my houseboat, which i cannot find,

Tracy Jordan:oh, yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. just put him in the tub with a reef.

Kenneth:i grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals, even the birds that cleaned our teeth, were workers, not pets.

Kenneth:and as my mom would say, you can't eat love. and as my mom's friend ron would say, 'the donkey died. you're the donkey now, kenneth.'

Kenneth:why, it seems crazy to me to even give a dog like this a name. for example, bandit.

Kenneth:and that's reggie, and up there is digger.

Kenneth:i will adopt all of them.

Senator Banks · Jack Donaghy:revenge is a dish best served cold, jack. like...sashimi. or pizza. you prefer cold pizza? the morning after, it's the best. better than hot pizza? that's insane.

Jack Donaghy:oh, my god, malia, he did not say that! let's text him now.

Senator Banks:even to the world's gayest country, ireland.

Jack Donaghy · Senator Banks:somebody must have 'weaked' it. you did. you 'weaked' it!

Senator Banks:by the time i'm done, you're gonna make aig look like the lehman brothers of microwaves.

Jack Donaghy:think of the pensions, the employees, the kittens we use to test microwave strength.

Jack Donaghy:the only headline will be, 'donaghy saves g.e., marries your mom.'

Jack Donaghy:laser shield.

Jenna Maroney:well, iceland appears to have a different sun than america, because this one is not setting.

Jenna Maroney · Liz Lemon:but werewolves only come out at night. yes, i remember that from the thriller video. too soon.

Jenna Maroney:well, evidently, as it gets later in the year the sun will start to set. i'm told tomorrow night we may get as much as a minute of darkness.

Liz Lemon:really? so you're gonna shoot this movie one minute at a time, just to punish me?

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:what's wrong, roomie? well, two of my coworkers are driving me insane, so i'm gonna kill them in their sleep tonight.

Jack Donaghy:okay, as a single woman, would you be more inclined to buy a new microwave if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? before you answer, consider your loneliness.

Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan:now that we're all up, you want to talk about the elephant in the room? no, i don't. i don't even know why you brought that thing.

Liz Lemon:i mean the figurative elephant!

Tracy Jordan:"if your man has seven cell phones but won't give you any of the numbers, that's a dealbreaker." "if your man owns a diamond necklace that says open marriage, that's a dealbreaker!" liz lemon, every little thing i've done is in here. you used me to write your book!

Liz Lemon:tracy and jenna are like children. and like children, you can't reason with them when they're upset. all you can do is turn the heat up, pour some whisky in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.

Liz Lemon:well, that's not gonna work for me, because jenna is immune to whisky, and tracy is afraid of juice.

Pete:oh, and not to add to your problems, but paula read your book.

Jack Donaghy:attention, creative types. brainstorming session. let's try to stop mouth-breathing for one minute.

Frank:well, it's kind of annoying when you're microwaving, like, a burrito, and the burrito won't rotate because it's too big. it just gets caught against the sides and the tray under it rotates, but it doesn't rotate.

Frank Rossitano:it's kind of annoying when you're microwaving, like, a burrito, and the burrito won't rotate because it's too big. It just gets caught against the sides and the tray under it rotates, but it doesn't rotate.

Pete · Jack Donaghy:what if microwaves broke down more easily, so people would have to buy new ones more often? yes, shoddier, excellent. bigger and not as well-made.

Jack Donaghy:this isn't the auto industry, pete. the auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. we're g.e., damn it. and we're gonna make a giant, flimsy microwave.

Frank · Dinesh Mehta:frank, i can't! if i make it any bigger, the door will be too heavy. fine! forget it. wait. say that again. i said forget it. for...get it. four smaller doors.

Frank · Jack Donaghy:we'll crack this yet. 'we'll' crack this yet. wheel. put wheels on it. nice.

Jenna Maroney · Film Director:claire, i'm sorry. which hand did i have the flashlight in when we were inside? the right! you hait in the rit.

Film Director:cut! great day, everyone. you guys are the real stars.

Jack Donaghy:since i have neither the time nor the energy to even pretend that your situation is a real problem—

Tracy Jordan:she doesn't like to refill the brita.

Tracy Jordan:and i will take the top half. for this is the part with the face.

Jenna Maroney:i have mercury poisoning from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.

Frank · Jack Donaghy:and cup holders. everyone loves cup holders. okay, i've been up for the last 50 hours, but i think this is a good idea. let's get rid of the oven entirely and replace it with an am/fm radio. okay, it's a car. we've invented the pontiac aztec.

Liz Lemon:you are the dealbreaker!

Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan:"the curious case of benjamin butt." lovely. "i'ma do us"? what does that even mean? that's a pun on amadeus, dummy. i will not be judged by you.

Tracy Jordan:you caused this whole folderol. until you're adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. oh, yeah, and i used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from the teaching company.

Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan:pete, keep tours out of the studio for the next couple days. i need you to build a set that looks like my apartment and get all the hand sanitizer you can find. tracy is producing a porno based on my life. and i'm writing it.

Liz Lemon:Tracy is producing a porno based on my life. And I'm writing it.

Jack Donaghy · Jonathan:i didn't think it would end like this, jonathan. not with a bang, but with a whimper. a whimper indeed, jack.

Senator Banks:what do you think that'll be? selling fake weed to nyu students?

Banks:comball the digil-god!

Congressman Banks:thanks for letting me be such a big part of you hitting rock bottom, huh?

Jack Donaghy:not yet, banks. i can go lower. into the crevasse.

Jack Donaghy:you want to humiliate me? you want to destroy me? you should have walked in here with a check.

Jack Donaghy:you'd have to come down to washington. report to me, like a little school boy... your hands sticky from candy. and the worst part is, i wouldn't even want the money.

Jack Donaghy · Senator Banks:i'd roll over and let you give it to me. i'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay. no one is. it's just happening.

Jack Donaghy:i own that...fancy little fellow outside.

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:I live to fight another day. But at what cost? [Liz:] Oh boy, I know the feeling. What a week, huh? [Jack:] Lemon, it's Wednesday.

Jack Donaghy:my retainer. Now my dad won't be mad at me.

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:take it out, lemon! you take it out, donaghy!

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:my retainer. how will i ever thank you? and cut. this is disgusting. shut it down.