Jack's biological father's health hangs in the balance as the pair start to build a relationship. Liz draws some attention as a relationship expert, despite her own many failed relationships, after an appearance on a talk show. Tracy is invited to speak at his old high school and Kenneth helps him overcome some embarrassing memories from those years.
Kidney telethon format lets 66 jokes rip at 2.55-per-minute clip—Season 3's densest finale.
Directed by Don Scardino · Written by Jack Burditt, Robert Carlock
WAR
163.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Kidney Now!” ranks #5 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 100.0 — Elite. The episode packs 89 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 7.9 on craft and 7.8 on impact, with Liz Lemon landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Jack Donaghy: And since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs.
Leo Spaceman: Well, cytotoxic cross match of target H.L.A. resulted in lyses of cells. Now, Jack, in layman's terms... what do you think that means?
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: I got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, and I have this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that? / It's either happiness or osteoporosis. / I think it's happiness.
Tracy Jordan: Tracy: 'I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about!'
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan · Grizz: His science teacher was a drug dealer? / Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament. / He wasn't a drug dealer. Tracy dropped out because Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog. Tracy couldn't do it. He cried in front of the whole class.
All Jokes — 89 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Liz Lemon: Of course, I was a kidney in my fifth grade school play.
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: # Oh, I'm the kidney... # / The other kidney is singing now.
Jack Donaghy: And since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs.
Liz Lemon: # The brain helps you make decisions... # (organ song playing while Jack is having an emotional crisis)
Liz Lemon Absurdist Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: # And your colon pushes out... # / Okay, that's not... helpful.
Liz Lemon · Jenna Maroney: I swore I'd never go on again after that one time. / [Flashback: 'Jenna, meet your half-sister, Courtney!' / 'Give me my money, you bitch!' / 'Never!'
Jenna Maroney: You give me back my man, bitch! / Never! / [Both screaming]
Leo Spaceman: Now, kidney transplantation is no laughing matter. [pause] So, I apologize. [Laughs] 'Kidney' is just such a funny word.
Jack Donaghy · Leo Spaceman: This is incorrect, doctor. I'm not giving him a kidney. It's the other way around. / Oh, brother... are you sure? / If anyone is giving anyone a kidney at all. Who knows?
Jack Donaghy · Leo Spaceman: I'd really be more comfortable if you rewrote the form. / No, I'll remember. / Opposite, opposite, opposite.
Milton Greene · Leo Spaceman: It's just that, without a kidney, I'm gonna die. / [Leo laughs] / I think it's the hard 'K' sound that's making me giggle.
Kenneth Parcell: Your old high school wants you to speak at graduation. And they said you can drop up to five 'f-bombs.'
Tracy Jordan: A drug dealer named Campbell ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby. Campbell wanted me to cut him open.
Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan · Grizz: His science teacher was a drug dealer? / Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament. / He wasn't a drug dealer. Tracy dropped out because Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog. Tracy couldn't do it. He cried in front of the whole class.
Tracy Jordan: Just like Peter did to Jesus in Science.
Liz Lemon: If your boyfriend calls out his brother's name during sex... that's a dealbreaker, ladies!
Jenna Maroney: That actually happened to Liz.
Jenna Maroney · Vontella: I swear to God, Courtney, I will rip your wig off. / No, honey, Courtney's dead.
Audience Member: This guy I'm dating owns a tanning salon, but he won't let me tan for free... [rambling continues] ...so what should I do?
Liz Lemon: You have sexually-transmitted crazy mouth. Dealbreaker.
Liz Lemon Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Liz Lemon: Nope, your fiancé's gay. Look at him. Look at you. Classic case of 'fruit blindness.'
Liz Lemon · Fiancé: Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman? / Uh... one time in college. / And a lot since then.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, he thinks he deserves a 'va-jay-jay upgrade.' He doesn't, he's not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Dealbreaker.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products. Dealbreaker.
Liz Lemon: Only one snake in the bed. Dealbreaker.
Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan: Kenneth tells Tracy he knows the truth about the frog — Tracy breaks down crying ('It's true! There is no Baby! I was chicken!')
Narrator / Tracy (meta): A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show.
Tracy Jordan: [Montage of Tracy crying moments, including] Don't die! I love you, Jack! / A Diet Slice and some pita chips. / I don't want to be here! I don't like it here! / I'm just calling y'all a bunch of racists. / We're not really best friends, we're just good friends. / I was chicken! I was chicken!
Tracy Jordan: Tracy: 'That's why, when I left that school in shame, I vowed never to cry again, and I never have!'
Tracy Jordan: I've changed, Ken, into a bad-ass adult. I have a wolf dog, I have two bad knees, and a gun... that I lost.
Jack Donaghy: The Donaghys do not talk. We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger, preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation.
Jack Donaghy: I have great seats in the section between the players' wives and players' mistresses. But I don't go on Bat Day.
Jack Donaghy · Milton Greene: That's this ball? / No, that's a ball he fouled off in the third inning.
Jack Donaghy · Milton Greene: [Jack and Milton playing catch and laughing; Jack says 'Don't ruin it, Milton.'
Tracy Jordan: We called him Mean Steve, but his real name was Steven Killer.
Kenneth Parcell: Because you're not a bad-bleep O.G. You're a sensitive artist. You're different.
Leo Spaceman: Well, cytotoxic cross match of target H.L.A. resulted in lyses of cells. Now, Jack, in layman's terms... what do you think that means?
Jack Donaghy · Leo Spaceman: Damn it, is this written in Greek? / It means we're not a match. / Leo: Oh, sorry. I was really looking forward to putting your father's kidney in you.
Jack Donaghy: Jack: 'I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina.'
Liz Lemon: You should do a celebrity concert like that gig I did to benefit old gays.
Jack Donaghy: Like 'We Are the World' or Weird Al Yankovic's less successful parody benefit, 'We Are the Pizza.'
Jack Donaghy: I haven't seen that many riled-up dirt bags since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter.
Jack Donaghy: You're not. Suburban seventh graders have more sexual experience than you do, but that doesn't matter.
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: I don't know... 20? / [Laughs] What do you think this is, Wings? You've got two more years, at best.
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: Get yours... I like that. Can I use that as one of my catch-phrases? / Uh, sorry, Leo Spaceman's using it as the title of his new sex book for couples.
Mary J. Blige · Jack Donaghy: No problem, I just had my driver drop me off. / So how come I saw you getting off the subway? What were you doing down there?
Mary J. Blige: My Mary J. Blige Foundation is celebrating its 10th year of searching for the Loch Ness Monster.
Jack Donaghy: Musicians have banded together before to solve all kinds of problems: world hunger, the collapse of the American farm, global warming... and, uh... you're 0 for 3, guys. I am disappointed in us as a group.
Elvis Costello · Jack Donaghy: Elvis: Let me get this straight. You want us to do a charity concert for one guy? / Elvis, haven't you said that if a song reaches just one person, you've done your job? / No, I've never said that.
Jack Donaghy: Okay, let's cut to the chase. M.J., you owe me. Who got you out of a 20-year exclusive performance contract at SeaWorld?
Jack Donaghy: Aiken, your cousin, Kenneth Parcell, already promised me you'd do this.
Jack Donaghy · Elvis Costello: And Elvis, or should I say, Declan McManus... international art thief... / Okay, Jack Donaghy, you tumbled me. We'll do it.
Cerie · Liz Lemon: Also, Pete and Tracy's wives are in your office. Paula is Pete's wife and Angie is the black one and... / Okay, Cerie, I got it.
Liz Lemon: Not on my watch, biotch. / 'S' that 'D.' Shut it down. Dealbreaker.
Liz Lemon: No to the way to the Jose. / But, Paula, talk it out before you walk it out.
Paula · Pete Hornberger: Paula's complaint: Pete refuses to drive to her parents' place for 'just two weeks of family vacation' — but it's working on a farm where Pete has to guide a bull during mating because his hands are big enough
Liz Lemon · Sue: And I'm here in New York while he's back in Hooglanderveen. / Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue. Dealbreaker.
Jenna Maroney · Liz Lemon: Mickey Rourke wants to take me camping. / Dealbreaker, Jenna, God.
Cerie · Liz Lemon: I haven't seen my fiancé in seven months. / Cerie, I have two words for you: robot warning. / Okay, that catch-phrase needs a little work.
Tracy Jordan: I almost didn't make it here this afternoon. But then, a very special friend of mine showed me the way. So, I'd like to take a moment to thank Victor Cordova from the Sunoco station on Lenox Avenue.
Tracy Jordan: Be yourself. And I'm talking to you clearly, gay kid. / Who told? / And you, white kid just trying to go unnoticed. / Aw, come on.
Tracy Jordan: Just be yourself. And I guarantee you, every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States.
Tracy Jordan: Okay, but I'm allergic to horses. / [It is my pleasure to award you this honorary diploma.]
Tracy Jordan: [Tracy receives honorary diploma and begins crying uncontrollably — including breaking a glass]
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick ★ Rewatch Callback An NBC Celebrity / Musician: I actually played a kidney in my fifth grade school play... with this loser.
Concert Performer: I'm in, but when Costello's not looking, I'm going to punch him in the back of the head.
Jenna Maroney · Jack Donaghy: Hey, Jack... are you doing my musical benefit idea? / Uh, no, it didn't work out. / Jenna, you know my European friends, uh, Rokus and, uh, Shandelay.
Jenna Maroney: [Jenna is left with Rokus and Shandelay] / [Beat] Thank you.
Liz Lemon: I'm getting mine, Cerie.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Liz Lemon: He's gonna take me to lunch wherever I want to go. Do you know if there's a sit-down Quizno's in Midtown?
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Pete Hornberger: 'Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch.'
Pete Hornberger: Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch.
Pete Hornberger: Here's the reason I don't want to go on that family vacation. It's a working farm, and I'm the only one whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.
Tracy Jordan: You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace. No kids banging on the door. No phones ringing. It's my time... every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00 P.M.! I don't know why I only go twice a week. / That's what Angie should be worried about!
Tracy Jordan: Tracy: 'I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about!'
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy: Pete, how am I going to live? I only have $300 million.
Liz Lemon: Liz: 'This job isn't going to last forever, Pete. T.G.S. has two years left, tops.'
Pete Hornberger: [Laughs] This... this is crazy, Jack. I've never seen anything like this. And I was at 'We Are the Pizza.'
Jack Donaghy · Milton Greene: Get a room! / Yeah, get a room.
Tracy Jordan · Grizz · Dotcom · Kenneth Parcell: Tracy: A high school graduate. Do you know what this means? Grizz, Dotcom, Ken? / We're going to college! / [Thinking]: And so began the craziest summer of my life.
Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan: How'd you say that without moving your mouth? / Say what?
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: I got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, and I have this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that? / It's either happiness or osteoporosis. / I think it's happiness.
Liz Lemon · Sheryl Crow: Oh, my God! Sheryl Crow! We were best friends in elementary school. / Hi, Sheryl. / [Sheryl looks at Liz blankly] / I'll talk to her later.
Concert Performer: Listen, when someone starts talking in the middle of a song, you know it's serious.
Cyndi Lauper · Concert Performer: We sure had quite a year. / What are you talking about? It's May. / Shh.
Concert Performer · Sheryl Crow: So, give Milton a kidney. We all believe in this cause so much that we're doing it for free... except for Sheryl. / That's right, I'm the only one getting paid. / And only three of us are drunk.
Concert Performer (bearded): Milton Greene needs a kidney, just like I need this beard. You don't want to know what's under here. And while you don't have two beards, you do have two kidneys.
Concert Performer: Think of it this way: if I had $2, I'd give you one. Wouldn't I? / I'm one of the drunk ones.
Multiple Celebrities: Song lyric section: 'No, he doesn't need a hand / He just needs a kidney / A hand would be an even harder thing to give'
