Liz Lemon

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Lemon, to tread lightly is your job. My job is to keep Tracy Jordan happy.'

Pete · Liz · Staff:Everyone springs to excited attention shouting 'This is it, here he comes!' — then it's only Jenna, and they visibly deflate: 'It's only Jenna. All right, it's just Jenna.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'He's an imbecile.' Jack: 'Well, he's our imbecile now.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'I'm just surprised he's still got his shirt—' Tracy immediately removes his shirt mid-sentence.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy suggests: 'I thought me and you could play Seinfeld and Bill Cos--' Liz cuts him off: 'No. I don't like that.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!' Jack: 'When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.'

Liz · Jack:Jack lists his previous advice to Liz: Liz says 'Not to freak out?' Jack confirms, then Liz says: 'Stop falling in love with gay guys?'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'It tested very well with the focus groups.' Liz protests the name change. Jack: 'If you say you like it, you can have some pizza.'

Jack · Liz:Jack's extended pool metaphor: '...build the house, add on a pool, and throw yourself into the deep end.' Liz: 'What if I can't swim?' Jack: 'Then I'll do what my father did when I was two. Lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy, and push you in.'

Liz · Frank:Frank defends Tracy: 'Frank likes his movies.' Liz reframes: 'Frank also loves that video of the monkey smelling his own butt.'

Jack · Liz:Jack sees Liz in what she calls her office; Jack: 'I guess you bring a little feminine magic to everything you touch.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'No, he's not your employee, he's your product. Like it or not, you're in the Tracy Jordan business now.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'How do I do that?' Liz asks. Jack: 'I don't know. I'm a non-genius.'

Liz:I'm just trying to calm Jenna down... your being is just bringing out all of her crazy.

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'And Toofer's just afraid of black people.' Tracy: 'Which one is Toofer?' Liz: 'The black guy.'

PA · Liz:PA interrupts: 'Y'all are on the monitors right now. Everyone can hear you and see you.' Liz: 'Son of a mother!'

Sound Guy · Liz:Ms. Lemon? I just wanted to let you know y'all are on the monitors right now. Everyone can-- / Hear you and see you. Yes, ma'am. / Son of a mother!

Liz · Writers:Writers throw things at Liz; she says: 'All right. Okay, fine. Get it out of your system. Nothing that plugs in, you guys! Nothing that could really hurt me!'

Jack · Liz:Jack asks how things are in the deep end. Liz says 'Fine.' Jack: 'The staff is meshing together well?' Liz: 'Oh, yes, yeah.' Cut to: writers throwing things at Liz.

Liz:Liz: 'We're both hosting. The ice cream bar was my idea.'

Tracy · Liz:Liz asks what 'Avanti Domani' means. Tracy: 'Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.'

Liz:Liz, realizing: 'It's Spanish for Remember Your Mother. I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that scotch. Grizz was in the Navy!'

Liz:It's Spanish for 'Remember Your Mother.' I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that scotch. Grizz was in the Navy!

Liz · Crew:Liz: 'This is not his boat! We gotta get off this thing!' Running and jumping off the yacht.

Jack · Liz:Jack to Liz the next morning: 'What are you talking about? Everybody loved your little Lemon party. I think it brings the team together like a harrowing experience.'

Jack · Liz:Jack resolves the Peabody boat theft by giving them 'free rides on the NBC jet.' — when Liz asks about the newspaper coverage, he reveals he 'had to give them something.'

Jack · Liz:Don't worry. She's gonna love it. / That's just insulting.

Liz:You can't spend a lot of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for 25 seconds.

Liz:You're trying to bring logic to the robot-bear sketch?

Liz:Who did my sudoku puzzle? I have been looking forward to this puzzle all morning.

Jack · Liz:Liz, could you come to my office when you have a free moment? / I never have a free moment, Jack. Never, ever.

Jack · Liz:Poker night? Who plays? / Really, that's all you got out of that?

Liz:Liz doing the sudoku puzzle alone at her desk: Three can't go here. Three can't go here. Can't go here. It can go here.

Liz:Fine, I'll meet your friend. [after 35 seconds of sudoku struggling]

Liz · Frank:No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? / Like she was in a porn.

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth, how long you been sitting there? / I'm taking Pete's place, he's in the bathroom, laying in his own sick.

Liz:Oh, my God. He can't read Kenneth. He's a blank slate.

Liz · Gretchen · Liz · Gretchen:Why would Jack just assume that we're lesbians? / I am a lesbian. / That's awesome. / Is this the first time somebody's made that assumption about you?

Liz · Gretchen · Liz:That's a pretty good joke for somebody from plastics. / Well, I wasn't always in plastics. I used to work in water-process technologies, working mainly in primary metals. / Oh, so you have a comedy background?

Liz · Jack · Jack:Your shoes. / Well, I'm straight. / Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Jack · Liz · Jack:Did you know his middle name is Ellen? / No, that's weird. / That his Myers-Briggs psychological testing shows a rare combination of extroverted, intuitive, and aggressive? / Really? / It's the same as mine. He could be trouble. / Kenneth? / Kenneth Ellen.

Jack · Liz · Jack:She thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh. / Really, she said that? / Yes, I made her repeat it. / I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Liz · Kenneth · Kenneth · Liz:Did you win this, too? / I did. / I love how the light catches it like diamonds. / Kenneth, it is diamonds.

Liz · Pete · Pete:I can't believe you bet your wedding ring. / I know. / Weird thing is, I had money left.

Liz · Writer 1 · Writer 2 · Writer 3 · Liz:Hey, what famous person would you say I look like? / Present-day Linda Ronstadt. / No, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. / Tootsie. / Oh, never mind.

Liz · Gretchen · Gretchen:You'd die, and they wouldn't find you until your neighbour's dog smelled you from the hallway. / Oh, yes, and they'd show a picture of you on 'NY1.' / And it's not just choking. Ever since I turned 30, every time I get in or out of the bathtub, I think in my head, 'Careful, careful.'

Liz:I can't... I did not die.

Writer · Liz:Liz, are you sure you're not gay? Because that chick is hot. / We're just friends, like Oprah and Gayle. / Why is that so hard for everybody to believe?

Writer · Liz:Liz, are you sure you're not gay? Because that chick is hot. We're just friends, like Oprah and Gayle. Why is that so hard for everybody to believe?

Jack · Liz · Jack · Liz · Jack · Liz:The guy obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. / Neil. / The one who played Halo under the name Slut Banger. / Dennis. / The gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time. / Conan.

Liz · Jack:So, I should just be a lesbian? / Oh, I'm not saying it'll be easy. You know, get drunk first.

Liz · Jack:Why do guys think women can just flip a switch like that? What if I said to you, 'Go be with Frank now'? / Ah, I would be honoured. Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.

Liz:Hey, after IKEA tomorrow, you want to go see Margaret Cho at the Beacon?

Gretchen · Liz · Gretchen · Liz · Gretchen:Oh, boy. Oprah? / Yes, Gayle? / I think we need to take a break. / Because I wanted to submit us for 'The Amazing Race'? / Because I was 80% joking about that.

Gretchen · Liz · Liz:I need to move on, find my Stedman. / I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor. / Also, you're gay, so that's a little confusing. You should say, like, 'my lady Stedman.'

Liz:if I try to imagine us being together, I think, 'Yeah, OK, this could be fun.' You know, picking out furniture and making flowerbeds out of old railroad ties.

Liz · Gretchen:What can I say? I love a bald spot and a hairy back. / You're alone there.

Liz:OK, what if we made a pact? What if we say that in, like, 25 years, if neither of us has someone, we'll move in together and be roommates? And even though I am not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you do stuff to me.

Liz:That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

Liz · Male Character · Liz:Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend? / Well, if by 'cooking class' you mean your bed and by 'next weekend' you mean tonight... / Oh, shut up.

Liz · Pete:I can see your wedding ring. / Idiot.

Liz · Cerie:Cerie is told to organize videotapes instead of doing actual script work, then immediately re-tasked to get chai tea, and she leaves barefoot having no idea where her shoes are.

Liz · Cerie:Cerie asks 'where are my shoes?' before going to get chai tea, and Liz screams 'Just go barefoot!'

Liz · Frank · Toofer · Writers · Jack:The writers' room is having a spontaneous one-minute dance party to Chamillionaire when Jack Donaghy walks in and they freeze.

Liz:And we all love the music of Chamillionaire.

Liz:You don't think his idea of starting with the catchphrases and working backwards is panning out?

Liz · Pete · Frank:'Nuts to you, McGullicuty.' / 'Who ordered the wieners?' / Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Liz · Pete:Which one of your kids is it that you're afraid of? / Kyle. Kyle. / So strong.

Pete · Liz:The jacket incident and Pete's plea: 'Look at me. Look how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.'

Cerie · Liz:Good, because I was gonna say you still have a good body. / 'Well, thank you, but this isn't about me.' / Like, how did you dress before you were married?

Cerie · Liz:Cerie: 'Oh, for some reason I thought you had, like, three kids. I just assumed it was kids [causing the food stains].'

Liz:You know what? Forget I mentioned it. You look great.

Jonathan · Liz:Jonathan tells Liz to apologize to Jack in a way that makes it seem like it was her own idea — but Jack sent Jonathan to deliver this message.

Liz:I always feel like I'm entering the Death Star. I expect to see Stormtroopers.

Pete · Liz:You'll be fine... Captain Needa. / No, Captain Needa dies. He dies!

Jack · Liz:The apology backfires: Jack reworks it into 'No one wants to hear that people don't like you.'

Liz:You know what I like about you? Your eyes. You have those black shark's eyes. Very intense.

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he got Liz Chamillionaire tickets — 'since you're such a big fan,' referencing the dance party.

Liz:Wow, I just can't believe Chamillionaire tickets were still available.

Liz · Pete:Just talking to my 'bud,' Jack Donaghy. / Bud, really?

Liz · Pete:It's like that scene where you see the back of Darth Vader's head with his helmet off, and you're like, 'Oh! He's a human being!' / I gotta get some new DVDs.

Liz:You need to dress like you have a job. And parents who raised you in some kind of shame-based American religious tradition.

Liz:Well, aren't you sweet? (Liz's reaction to Cerie saying she's 'a size four, right?')

Writers · Liz:What are you wearing?! / You're making me gay. / It's a joke, obviously. I'm wearing this as a joke! / Bunch of comedy writers don't know a joke, jeez.

Liz:Liz: 'It's a joke, obviously. I'm wearing this as a joke! Bunch of comedy writers don't know a joke, jeez.'

Liz · writers:Writers want to eat pizza on the roof garden because 'Today Show people eat out there all the time.' Liz: 'Really? Even Ann Curry?'

Liz · Jack:Liz approaches Jack in front of GE executives and calls him her 'best bud—boink!' while asking for pizza roof access.

Liz:This guy's the best. He got me kick-ass Chamillionaire tickets. You guys like Chamillionaire?

Liz · Jack:I thought you said we were friends. / I said we were friendly. / Well, I don't like you anymore. / I don't believe you.

Liz · Jack · Writer:Wow. This is diet Snapple? / I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it? / You should try Plum-A-Granate. It's amazing. / I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Liz:That's not fair. Josh gets a lot of fan mail for Gaybraham Lincoln.

Liz · Tracy Jordan:Hey, Tracy, I missed that last run-through. Could you run it once off cards for me? [Tracy refuses and leaves through a door] It says 'Emergency exit only.' He couldn't read that?

Liz · Pete:Look at the educational system in this country. We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile, our inner-city graduation rates are lower than they are in the Sudan. / That doesn't sound right. / Maybe it was Sweden. Maybe it was teen pregnancy.

Liz:I gotta read more.

Jenna · Liz:I have something the other actors don't. A secret weapon. / Oh, don't say your sexuality. / My sexuality! / Oh, God, Jenna, when has that ever worked?

Liz:Yeah, so now you just have to make yourself ten years younger and Asian.

Liz · Tracy Jordan:Tray... Can you read? [long pause] Can I read?

Liz:Did you ever see Hoop Dreams? It's like that.

Jack · Liz · Camera Crew:The GE promo filming falls apart over dozens of takes — Jack can't remember 'product integration', asks for the line, is told not to give him the line, then asks again.

Crew Member · Liz:Why don't we go to lunch and we'll come back and maybe-- Let's all go have lunch.

Liz · Jack:Are you guys gonna...correlate overseas earnings report dynamics? / Yes.

Jack · Liz:I agree. It's the writing. It's not natural. / Uhh! Really? You think the problem is the writing? / Yeah. It's clunky.

Liz · Jack:No. You should definitely do it. It'll be hilarious. / Oh, well, that'd be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn't it?

Liz:No. Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Tracy Jordan · Liz · Writers:The new TGS poster featuring Tracy has Tracy's name in giant letters while the other actors are nearly invisible — Tracy barely registers this and just says 'Yeah. It's good. I like it. Really?'

Jack · Liz:I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear. / You're looking out a fake window right now, by the way. / I bow-hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.

Liz:Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpicks still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine.

Jack · Liz:This stays between us, right, Lemon? / [long pause] / Lemon?

Jenna · Liz:I hooked up with his boss. / Who, Ron? / Mm-hmm. / That guy's an extra on the show. / No. He said he was Jack's boss. / No. In the sketch. He doesn't even have a line.

Jenna · Liz:I am gonna get back at them...using my sexuality. / Do you have any left?

Tracy Jordan · Liz:Where the hot lesbians at, Lemon? / I knew it! You can read!

Tracy Jordan · Liz · Pete:That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that. / No, Bill Cosby said that. / That's racist. / Look, we can all agree Liz is generally pretty racist.

Tracy Jordan · Liz:You know, I once shot a whole movie without ever getting out of my car? / Yeah, I paid to see that. That was supposed to be a western.

Tracy Jordan · Liz:When Gaybraham Lincoln gets hit in the crotch, can I go cross-eyed? / Oh, yes, do that. That's hilarious!

Liz · Jack:So we had to make some changes. Tracy is now in it, so we had to change some cues. Also, the opening VT is cut, so you just go right out. Oh, and you all say the last line together. / Wow. So uh... [Liz leaves] / Lemon, these pages are blank. / Oh. / Never mind. / Withdrawn.

Jack · Liz:Hey, good job the other night. / Oh, you mean on the show? Thanks. / What were you watching? / Nothing. Uh...Bloomberg. / Hmm. / Aha! / Don't be cute, Lemon. You're too old for that.

Jack · Liz:Good God! Lemon! [Liz opens the door] Mr. Donaghy, open up! Please?

Dennis · Liz:Dennis says he'll 'pick up some Chinese' and Liz notes that's less offensive than his usual language, then Dennis credits losing her with making him 'more mature'

Liz · Dennis:Liz says 'Ow, that really hurts, Dennis' — implying Dennis's affectionate gesture is physically painful

Liz · Jenna:Liz tells her friend not to give her the eyebrows; friend says 'Yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.'

Liz:Liz defends the boob-honking: 'That was before. And it was the playoffs.'

Liz:Liz says the old Beeper King 'shot himself' — then immediately pivots to 'But Dennis took over and now he's the only beeper salesman left in Manhattan, which is cool in a way.'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna says Liz doesn't get to give dating advice because 'You sent a letter to Scott Peterson. After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress. Are you kidding me? He was smokin'.'

Liz:Asked about sex with Dennis: 'Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.'

Jack · Liz:Jack intercepts Liz eating a turkey sub and delivers the 'Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?' speech.

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz she has 'a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair' — the physical detail grounding his abstract critique of her lifestyle

Jack · Liz:While making his case for mentoring Liz, Jack notices a man masturbating in an office across the way: 'There appears to be a gentleman making passionate, angry, love to himself.'

Liz:Liz reveals she already knew about the masturbating man: 'Yeah, I know. That's why I closed the blinds in the first place.'

Liz · Jack:Liz suggests Jack mentor the masturbating man: 'Maybe you should be his mentor.' Jack: 'Obviously, he doesn't need one. He's got it all figured out.'

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis and Jack at the restaurant: 'I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.' / 'It's cod. It's— They made it special.' Dennis: 'Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried.'

Liz:Liz defends Dennis: 'He fixed my toilet. He broke it first, but he fixed it.'

Liz:Liz defends staying with Dennis: 'I don't have time for a personal life, okay? I can't just go to Central Park and join the singles touch football league.'

Liz:Liz continues: 'Like I'd want to anyway. People in those posters, always laughing in their sweaters. Who are they foolin'?'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'The bottom line is, Dennis is my boyfriend because he inquired. He was the only applicant, and I am not—' Jack: 'Doin' great.'

Liz:Liz: 'Really? This water — does someone boil it first, then throw it in your face?'

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'Admit it, I look ten years younger.' Jenna: 'No, younger even. You look like a fetus.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz mentions Dennis; Jenna's eyebrows don't move. Jenna: 'They didn't?' Liz: 'No.' Jenna: 'How about now?' — attempting to raise eyebrows post-Botox

Dennis · Liz:Liz tells Dennis the animal got out. Dennis: 'Oh, no. It got out. If anyone sees a salamander, it's Liz's.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis insists beepers are making a comeback: 'Technology's cyclical.' Liz: 'No, technology is not cyclical.'

Liz:Liz: 'Great. Jenna looks like a porn star burn victim, and now this idiot.'

Liz · Howard:Jack introduces Howard as a potential date for Liz. Liz begins to engage. Howard: 'I'm married with two beautiful kids and a pool.'

Liz:Liz reports Josh may have brain damage from Liz Taylor's visit: 'Liz Taylor really messed him up. He might have brain damage.'

Pete · Liz:In the middle of a serious moment, Pete reports the musical guest is James Blunt. Everyone reacts with deflation.

Pete · Liz:Who is it? / James Blunt. / Oh.

Liz · Pete:Liz's extended sandwich-as-relationship metaphor: 'It's convenient, it's consistent, I know what I'm getting, it doesn't make me feel bad about my body. And you know what? Maybe I'm at an age where it's okay for me to settle for this.' Pete: 'Are we still talking about the sandwich place?'

Pete · Liz:Are we still talking about the sandwich place? / No, sadly, I don't think we are.

Liz · Jack:Jack's speech helping Liz enumerate Dennis's flaws: 'Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair.'

Liz · Jack:Liz connects Dennis's relationship pattern to rat kings: 'We'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lives until I just can't even get away and we're just like— Oh, my God.' Jack: 'That's right. He's the rat king.'

Liz · Jack:Liz shouts 'I AM THE EXTERMINATOR!' at the top of her lungs; Jack immediately whispers: 'Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here, okay?'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy explains: 'And then what about next week when you don't have it anymore?' / 'I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed. Ba-boom! That's another Not Normal.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.' Liz: 'Nuh-uh.' Tracy: 'Wayne Brady has three Emmys.' Liz: 'You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.' Liz: 'First of all, I'm not from Whiteville. I'm from White Haven, and it's not as nice as it sounds.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Yes, this blackout is a fortunate coincidence.' Liz: 'You didn't do it, right?' Jack: 'What, do you think I control the universe?'

Liz:Liz: 'No, you're on a plane to Boston tomorrow, Tray. We have a laboratory. They're experimenting in tattoo removal. It promises to be one of our biggest profit centers once today's generation finally sobers up.'

Liz · Dennis · Vendor:Liz asks Dennis: 'Can I borrow 20 bucks?' Vendor: 'Flashlight, $20!' — implicit that Dennis doesn't have $20

Dennis · Liz:Dennis wakes from sleep upset: 'I wish I had burned the place down. There's no reason to live anymore.' Liz, alarmed: 'What happened?' Dennis: 'The Islanders lost tonight.' Liz: 'Doesn't that happen a lot?'

Liz · Jenna:Final tag: Liz reports: 'So how did it go?' Liz: 'He moved in with me.' Friend: 'Well, of course he did.'

Liz · Dennis:Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? / The water in here is softer.

Dennis · Liz:When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like Shannon or Rick. / When we what?

Doctor · Liz:Hmm, 35, single, no children. Three sexual partners in the last ten years. / I don't know, doll. Maybe it's time to settle.

Liz:I will tell him that you are in a feature film called The Rrr Jrr.

Liz · Pete:What the hell's her movie called? / I don't know. She's been talking about it for a year. / I can't ask her now.

Jack · Liz:Jack complimenting Liz on the Stone Phillips wig: 'I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger, and more confident, and I think you should consider it.'

Jack · Liz:Jack bumped Jenna because she 'does commercials for ShopRite' — Liz defends her: 'Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy's pitch: 'Me and my wife like to play rape. She goes in the bathroom and does her hair. Then I put on a ski mask...' / 'Okay, not that.'

Liz:Liz's pitch: 'I haven't seen this many white people in tuxedoes since the Titanic.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'That doesn't even make sense.' Jack: 'No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Who's that dude? / Uh, what dude? / The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.'

Liz · Frank:Frank eats Liz's blood cookie — 'Oh, that's not good. Frank, that was my blood cookie.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz relays Jack's opinion: 'He doesn't love it that you did those commercials.' / Jenna: 'Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...'

Liz:Wow, Dr. Spaceman. I owe you an apology, Tray.

Jack · Liz:When I first met Jack Welch, I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes. / That's fine. Do that. / I don't know. Might be distasteful if Randy's widow's in the audience.

Liz · Jack:The rehearsal disaster — clearly something goes wrong (Liz: 'Is that rehearsal? Oh no--Oh!') followed by Jack's irritated 'No, this Tracy situation is really...' and Jack dismissing it: 'Are we still talking about that? Do I have to come in and run your show?'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's theatrical resignation: 'After the way Jack treated me today, I can't work here anymore. I quit.' — then immediately staying when Liz says three vague compliments.

Liz:Okay. Jenna don't quit. The show can't go on without you. You're my muse, you're a modern-day Lucille Ball. You're prettier than Deborah Messing.

Dennis · Liz:Dennis calls to ask Liz to buy Nickelback tickets via Ticketmaster — 'I would do it on your computer, but I'm downloading a game right now.'

Conan · Liz:Liz and Conan's awkward exchange: 'You still, um...' / 'How's your wife?' / 'Let's not do this, Elizabeth.' / 'Okay.'

Liz:Liz addresses the Blue Man: 'Chewbacca, may I speak to Tracy, please?'

Jack · Liz:Jack, still in a tuxedo, asks Liz for another zinger for the Jack Welch event — Liz asks when it is. 'February.' 'Why are you wearing a tux?' 'It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?'

Liz:Liz's zinger attempt: 'Well, it's almost Thanksgiving, everybody. And I know what this crowd's giving thanks for. Estate tax reform.'

Liz · Jack:That is terrific. I really enjoyed that. / But, do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy appears on stage, immediately takes off his pants, and has to be physically wrestled into a chair while Liz and the crew shout 'Pants on. Pants on. Sit in the chair, buddy.'

Jack · Liz:Jack takes back the prescription bottle from Liz with 'Hey, you did good, kid. Give me that.' — and apparently pockets the pills.

Dennis · Liz:Dennis has ordered Liz a cheeseburger — she's overjoyed: 'Oh, Dennis. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.'

Dennis · Liz:So what did you want to talk to me about, huh? / Nothing. I forget. / I just want to listen to you play Halo 'til I fall asleep.

Dennis · Liz:I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. So you made nine holes in my wall? No, those are for the shelves, dummy.

Liz:I don't want a shelf... Whose horse is that?

Liz · Dennis:Now, why is it important to tell me that the muggers were black? / They weren't muggers. They were cops. / So why don't you just say he was running from some cops? / I don't know, I mean, you're a racist for assuming that they weren't cops.

Dennis · Liz:You can't kick me out. I love you! / You can't kick me out. I got squatter's rights. / Which is it: you love me or you got squatter's rights? / I don't see why they're mutually exclusive!

Jenna · Liz · Dennis:He's a comple loser. / Oh, Jenna, don't say that. You know, he had some good moments. / Hi. I got donuts. / What's up, brown eyes? I made chili. / (next scene) Hey... You wanna... wanna order cheese steaks?

Liz:I guess they were mostly food related.

Liz:Oh, you mean like at a discotheque?

Jack · Liz:Let's just say she's a high-ranking African-American member of the Bush administration. / Are you dating Condoleeza Rice?

Liz:Yeah, and it must be hard for her to get cell phone reception when she's so far up the president's butt.

Jack · Liz:Jack shows Liz two gifts: an attaché case vs. 'this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place'

Liz:Liz screams 'Attaché!' in response to Jack's gift options

Liz · Jenna:Liz and Jenna's previous karaoke duet: 'When I'm right here, you need to be here. Not here. Here is embarrassing.'

Liz · Cerie:Check this out. I think Jack is dating Condi Rice. / Oh, God, that's huge!

Liz:You and Jenna play Sleestaks from Land of the Lost and you're trying to get a small business loan. Because you want to open up a pancake house called Slee's Stacks.

Liz · Toofer:Izzle. 'A suffix that can be used to take the place of anything.' / Well, now you're just being patronizzle.

Liz:You know who would love this argument? My racist grandfather.

Tracy · Liz · Toofer:I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. / We're not even speaking the same language. / That's right. I'm speaking English.

Liz:Oh, really, dude? I gotta move my coat? There's like four empty seats down there. Can't you just be cool?

Jenna · Liz:That guy wanted to buy you a drink. / Really? I already have a drink. / Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Liz:Oh, he knows where Bin Laden is, come on! The Carlyle Group. The Unocal Pipeline. The assassination of Olof Palme.

Liz:You could put a long, blonde wig on a ferret and it would look like Jessica Simpson.

Liz:And by the way, Jessica Simpson would think that you are old and gross. So good luck with that.

Liz:Also, you have really pretty eyes. Oh, hi. (song begins) I learned the truth at seventeen. That love was meant for beauty queens.

Liz · Jenna:I thought bars were open till 4:00. / Nope, 11:30. Let's get you to bed.

Pete · Liz:The guy just came in here and bared his soul to you. What are you, made of stone? / Am I crazy? The guy's a disaster, right?

Dennis · Liz:Liz reads Dennis's pro/con list note: 'I know this might be emotional for you, so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.'

Liz:Liz reads Dennis's pros list. The TV appears mounted on the wall. Cut to: 'Pro. Fixed TV.'

Liz · Dennis:Pro. Fixed TV. (Liz reading Dennis's pro/con list — the visual of a single pro being about the TV)

Jack · Liz:Guess where I was last night. / Mark Foley's pajama party. / No. / Kandahar.

Liz · Jack:Well, I'm glad things are working out for you and your mystery lady. / Well, actually, they're not. I broke up with her. / Really? What happened? / Well, I finally realized that we're not compatible. I mean, I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu Ghraib?

Liz:'Jack likes Dennis.' / 'Jack likes Dennis.' (Liz writing this repeatedly, apparently in disbelief)

Dennis · Liz:It's a fancy briefcase, you know, 'cause you're classy and important. / Like a dude.

Dennis · Liz:Should I grab a plate? / Yeah. Get me a diet soda.

Liz · Dennis:Get out of my apartment! / This happened while we were broken up. / No, no, no, no. I was right about you! / This is a con, by the way. You on Dateline is a con!

Dennis · Liz:You know what? I knew you wouldn't be cool about this. / We're finished. / You can't break up with me. I already broke up with you! / Fine! / Then we agree to disagree!

Liz · Cerie · Writers:The office throws a surprise party, but it turns out to be for Cerie's engagement, not Liz's birthday — Liz thanks them for the birthday fuss before realizing

Cerie · Pete · Liz:Hey, guess what, everyone? I'm engaged. / Hey, this isn't gonna change the way you dress or eat lollipops, is it? / No. / Oh, then congratulations.

Liz:Liz interrupts Cerie's Whitney Houston birthday serenade mid-song to announce there's an antique car show in the plaza

Liz:But Dateline has jackets.

Liz · Pete:Wow, he's a little bit of a stress eater, huh? / He puts up with so much.

Tracy · Liz:How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? Hi, I'm Liz Lemon! I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

Liz · Tracy:I don't skateboard. / Hurts, doesn't it?

Liz · Tracy:Tracy, stop tasering him. / See?

Liz:I mean, there are other things in life. Like having a career. And working. And...having a job. And working.

Cerie · Liz · Cerie:If you wait too long, you could be like... 50 at your kid's graduation. / 50's not that old, Cerie. / Oh, I'm sorry. Are you 50 now?

Jenna · Liz:Paul Newman or Robert Redford? / I've told you 1,000 times, Newman. Because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.

Liz · Writer:You're disgusting. / Yeah, that's a good start.

Liz · Pete:Didn't you have a vasectomy? / No, I just told my wife I did. / And she doesn't get pregnant how? / I fake it.

Liz · Bobby (Sound Guy) · Liz:Everybody, stop working right now! I don't wanna have sex with any of you. I have plenty of time to have a baby. And I am not looking for sperm donors. / But do you still want a sound hook-up so you can listen to rehearsal? / Yeah, thanks.

Liz · Jack:Maybe her heart broke because she spent 20 years raising you and you're a total ingrate. / That's exactly what she said.

Tracy · Liz:Bebe Jackson's condo? / No. / A children's clothing store in Dubai? / Stop guessing!

Liz:Are you insane? What are you gonna do when Tracy asks Jack for his invisible motorcycle?

Jack · Liz:The Jack/Liz phone impersonation sequence: both characters on the phone, speaking in sync, finishing each other's sentences: 'If I mention anything crazy... like an invisible motorcycle... it means I'm off my meds... and should be ignored.'

Liz:Or... I could call him... as Christopher Walken.

Liz · Jenna:Jenna, did you tell Life and Style that your favorite book is the Koran? / I just wanted to sound smart.

Makeup Woman · Liz · Jenna · Liz · Liz:I heard you were baby crazy. / No. / Yes, she is. / Please. / Oh, for the love of—nuts.

Liz:Who's the cutest baby in the world? [Liz walks around cooing, having completely forgotten her earlier resistance]

Liz:How did I get home? Why didn't you say something?

Liz:She will outlive you. She's like Castro.

Liz · Jack:One minute I was holding the baby in make-up and then suddenly... It was like highway hypnosis. You know, when you pull into your driveway but you don't remember driving home? / Oh, right right. / And you have someone else's baby in your car.

Liz:Number two, I could be very happy with a baby that looks nothing like me and didn't bake in my oven.

Liz:I stole a baby, Jack. I'm taking a half day.

Liz · Jenna:Liz to Jenna: 'For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna refers to her movie as 'The Rurr-Jurr' and Liz almost says the title before catching herself — 'I didn't know they had a release date for The Rurr-- For that movie.'

Liz · Pete:Liz: 'It's hard to go wrong with a Kevin Grisham novel.' Pete: 'You mean John Grisham?' Liz: 'Oh, no. Kevin, John's brother.'

Pete · Liz:Pete: 'He just finished writing a sequel. It's called Urban Fervor.' Liz: 'Boy, these titles — they really make you think.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna and Liz reminiscing about the neighborhood festival in Little Armenia 'where they killed a goat in the street' — 'But we did have really good luck that year.'

Liz:Liz: 'I guess it's no surprise that Tony Hawk can't play blind.'

Pete · Liz:Pete tries to say the title: 'The Rrr--' / Liz: 'Rural.' / 'The Ruh--' / 'Rural.' / Pete gives up with a defeated 'Eh.'

Liz:Liz's 'one nice thing' about Jenna's wedding: 'Oh, my God! You looked so beautiful.' Then a long pause before 'The lighting was really neat.' Then another pause: 'Ethan and I both thought the programs were really easy to read.'

The View Host · Liz:The View host: 'And coming up, I'll be talking to The Girlie Show star Jenna Maroney about her upcoming project, The Rrr-Jrr.' Liz: 'That is not helpful.'

Liz · Frank:Tracy announces Jenna's character name: 'Jenna plays a southern lawyer named Constance Justice.' Frank: 'Constance Justice. Justice has been served. Good stuff.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz struggles to find something nice to say about the movie: 'Oh, my God, Jenna! The soundtrack was so moody.' Then: 'Your face was very expressive. And another cool part was...the trees.'

Liz:Liz: 'I wasn't kidding about how cool those trees were, though. What were they? Oaks?'

View Host · Liz:The View segment about the movie: 'Now The Rrr Jrr is the true story of Rory Jerner, whose pure furor ensures a terrible murder--' Jenna's face cut: 'Excuse me. I feel like I'm getting further away from it.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna says the Paris Hilton sketch is 'a train wreck.' Liz: 'Oh, I see. We're not talking about the nose. We're talking about the movie.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna and Liz's 'Really?/Really.' exchange escalating to five rounds before Liz says 'Well, Jenna, I'm sorry you feel that way.'

Liz · Josh:Liz accidentally knocks into someone in the Paris Hilton costume: 'Ow! What the hell?' / 'Oh, God, I'm sorry! I didn't know there was a person in there!'

Jenna · Liz · Pete:Jenna and Liz communicating through Pete: 'Pete, could you tell Liz Lemon not to stand in my eyeline while I'm rehearsing, please?' / 'Pete, could you tell Jenna she smells like a stripper?'

Liz:Liz: 'To retaliate, I'm writing impressions for her that she can't do.' Cut to: Liz in her office doing a Clinton impression: 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.'

Jack · Liz · Kenneth:Jack: 'I can barely keep a lid on the feud going on between Kenneth and Dougie from props.' Long pause as Jack and Liz stare at the monitor showing Kenneth and Dougie — Kenneth hiding behind a cart, Dougie menacing.

Frank · Liz:Liz confronts the writers about watching the movie: Frank admits they all liked it. Liz: 'I can't believe you like this movie!' Frank: 'Fine, dismiss me. I guess because I look weird, I can't be perceptive.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz's apology: 'I am sorry that I assumed other people would hate the movie just because I hate it. That was wrong.' Jenna: 'That's it? That's your apology?'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'So do I have to wear the nose tonight?' Liz: 'Yes you do.' Jenna: 'Okay, well then I hope you get bird flu and die.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'She doesn't even need those glasses.' Liz, turning back: 'Really, I'm a fake, blondie? I'm a fake?'

Liz:Liz: 'If it wasn't for me, you'd still be slutting it up for car dealership owners so they'd put you in their commercial.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'This slut slept with your brother!' Liz: 'Mitch?' Jenna: 'Yeah, and let me tell you something about Mitch. He is disgusting in bed.' Liz: 'You know he's not right. He was in a really bad skiing accident!'

Jack · Jenna · Liz:Jack arrives on the TGS stage where Jenna and Liz are fighting: 'Ladies.' Long beat as they freeze, staring at him. 'Sit down.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Even when I wanted you out of here, she wouldn't give in. I've never seen her so worked up. She came at me with that angry little badger face of hers.' Jack looks at Liz making the badger face. 'There it is right now.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz shares her insecurity about wanting to be Jenna: 'That wants to be you, I guess.' Jenna: 'This is boring. I'm bored now.'

Jenna · Liz:After Liz's emotional confession that she wants Jenna's life, Jenna asks: 'So you really think I'm beautiful?' Liz: 'I never said that.' Jenna: 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

Liz · Jenna:The Head and the Hair nickname system — characters have been calling two MSNBC guys by physical descriptors instead of names

Liz:Liz's retort about her own watch: 'My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.'

Frank · Liz:Frank and Liz's dueling reactions: 'That is awesome. / That is upsetting. / That is awesome.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz pointing out Tracy is on time to work for the first time ever, then Tracy revealing he never left the party — he's on a bacon run

Cerie · Liz:Cerie writes down January 17th — 'Just like every other day.'

Liz · MSNBC receptionist:Liz arrives at the MSNBC floor and asks for 'the Head' — 'Hi, can I help you? / Yes, I'm looking for... the Head?'

Gray · Liz:Gray's introduction — he turns out to be the Hair, not the Head, and knows Liz has been calling her 'Glasses'

Gray · Liz:'How would you like it if I called you Glasses? / I would be fine with that.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz's Star Wars slip: 'It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon is-- / No, Liz. / Do not talk about stuff like that on your date.'

Liz:Liz's self-assessment: 'I don't go out on dates with guys like Gray. It feels wrong. He's the Hair, and I am a Head-plus, at best.'

Jack · Liz · Jenna:Jack offers to make coffee for Liz and Jenna, who both decline — then Jack smoothly pivots back to authority mode in the hallway

Liz · Jenna:Liz and Jenna's shared bewildered reaction to Jack bringing them coffee

Liz · Gray:Liz's arrival at the trendy party — introduced to Kiara, Francesca, Talbot, and Armand

Gray · Liz:Gray introduces Liz to his extremely attractive, stylish friends at the party: Kiara, Francesca, Talbot, and Armand

Liz:Liz attempting small talk at the fancy party: 'So... you guys been watching Heroes? / [silence] / I like the Japanese dude.'

Liz:Liz's private assessment: 'I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.'

Liz:Liz's paranoid list of reasons she suspects Gray has ulterior motives: gay beard, organ harvesting, being after her money

Liz · store clerk:The hundred-dollar bill standoff at the store: Liz arguing legal tender law with a store clerk

Liz · Gray:The morning-after callback: 'Although I ate way too much oxygen.' / 'Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen right there on your... coat.'

Liz · Gray:Gray convinces Liz to call in sick with 'Call in sick to work and go see a movie' — she immediately does it and vomits a fake excuse on 6th Avenue

Jack · Liz · Gray:Jack encountering Liz and Gray on the street: 'Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. Maybe you should go home.'

Liz · Gray:Gray's apartment — elevator opens directly into the apartment

Liz:Liz's 'what don't you do' list: no smoking, no drugs (except allergy medicine), pays for downloaded music, never wears flip-flops

Liz · Gray:Liz refuses to sit on laps: 'I do not sit on laps. / Really? / No, not a lap-sitter. Never have been.'

Liz:Liz sits on Gray's lap but narrates the awkwardness: 'It's a small girl thing, it's not a grown lady thing.'

Liz · Gray:Liz recognizes Gray's grandmother's cousin Dolly — 'Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly?'

Gray · Liz:The cousin-level negotiation: 'On the count of three, say what level of cousins we would have to be for this to be okay. One, two, three. / Fifth. / Unacceptable, no matter what.'

Liz · Gray:Liz: 'This is what I get for trying to be somebody I am not.' — Gray: 'You ARE a Hair, Liz Lemon. It's in our blood. Accept it. Embrace it.'

Liz · Gray:'I think we're third cousins.' / 'Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.'

Liz · Gray:Liz: 'I think we're third cousins.' Gray: 'Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.'

Liz:'Kind of wish you had a door right now.'

Liz:What's the difference between yo' mama and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for a week.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, could I speak with you alone for a moment? / That's what your sister asked me last night. Booyah!

Liz · Jack:Jack asks what Liz knows about the Hapsburg empire and she says she studied 'Theatre tech'

Liz · Jack:Would I have to wear high-heel shoes? / Yes. / This will be good for you.

Jack · Liz:You're even wearing lipstick. / No. They're just really chapped.

Liz · Jenna:That's what your mom said to me last night. Booyah. / You got slammed, girl. That was surprising.

Jenna · Liz:What's that for? / I'm going to a birthday party for some prince tonight. / You mean like a dog birthday party?

Liz · Jack:Jack presents Liz with the dress — Liz goes to shake his hand, hurts herself on the box, reacts with 'Ow! That really hurt my hand! Dag! Who does that?!'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna insists 'This is definitely a date.' Liz says 'No.' Jenna: 'Is it?'

Jack · Liz:At the party, Liz asks if it's a date; Jack laughs dismissively: 'Lemon, I date socialites and models and actresses, Liz Hurley... in the '90s.'

Jenna · Liz:Oh, Liz, if you dress well and enter with confidence, you can get in anywhere. / You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you? / Just one. It's not the White House.

Jenna · Liz:When I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed. / Austria. / Yeah. That's what I said.

Liz · Gerhardt:Prince Gerhardt enters — visibly severely inbred, with physical deformities suggesting centuries of Hapsburg inbreeding. 'Wow. Who's Snow White now?'

Jenna · Liz:Liz says she doesn't think Gerhardt can 'take care' of Jenna; Jenna: 'And I can get past someone's looks.' Liz: 'Since when?' Jenna: 'I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.'

Jack · Liz:So now I keep it simple. Nothing but endless, meaningless one-night stands with a carousel of super-hot women I couldn't care less about. / That's heartbreaking.

Bianca · Liz:Bianca corners Liz: 'Are you going to marry Jack?' Liz: 'Uh, I don't know. We've talked about it.' [Pause] 'I can tell from the way he looks at you that he's serious. He's going to get you pregnant right away. I'm sure. A little late-in-life baby he can parade around Nantucket.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'I think she pulled out a chunk of my hair.' Jack: 'Really? Where?' Liz shows him. Jack whistles.

Liz:My whole staff has been blorching for three days

Liz · Jack:You taught your dog to poop in a box? / Bianca did. But I want that box.

Liz:Are you angry or excited right now? I can't tell.

Lutz · Liz:I just took a whole bunch of Cialis, because I have big Valentine's plans tonight. / With who? / Uh, nobody.

Liz:But thank you for saying that you would marry me.

Liz:No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess.

Liz:Oh. Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually. They're from your mom. Yeah. So tell your gay mom I said thanks.

Liz · Pete (or hotel staff):Is Mr. Donaghy here? / Another prostitute?

Liz:Liz opens the door: 'Another prostitute?'

Jack · Liz:And I want Bianca to see that I'm moving on. / Well, then maybe you should call Bianca to help you carry your prostitute out of the hotel you were just ejected from.

Liz · Jack:Marry, boff, kill — Bianca. Which do you want to do? / All of them.

Liz · Drew:You're a lawyer? / I prefer 'law stylist.'

Drew · Liz:She pouted all night because she thought I forgot to send her something. You know, I told her I did, but she didn't believe me. / She sounds great.

Liz:Was Courtney Love not available?

Jack · Liz:being in a foursome with this man can change your life. / You might want to rephrase that.

Liz · Jack:Which one is Geiss again, the bald one? / No. That one. / Where did that come from? / I painted it myself.

Lutz · Liz:Lutz eating at his desk during the writers meeting; 'Ay, pero ay Dios mio!'

Liz:I didn't like it two weeks ago when it was called America's Next Top Hobo, and I didn't like it a month ago, when it was called Hobo Eye for the Straight Guy.

Liz:Hey, Lutz, why don't you approach your job with the same creativity and excitement you have for all-you-can-eat buffets?

Writer (unnamed) · Liz:Writer is heard saying '...Liz is a grade-A—' / Liz bursts in holding a kitten: 'Runt! This kitten, he's such a runt! I'm gonna name you Runty!'

Liz · Jack:The one that rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album. / It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?

Jack · Liz:Well, why don't we come up with one and then you can call him that? Like... monkus. Fungdark.

Liz · Jack:Don't tell me to calm down, you fungdark. / Yeah, you're right. It doesn't work.

Writer · Liz:I thought you knew and you were just being a... / You know, that word Lutz called you. / Wait, are you saying that I am like that sometimes?

Liz · Jack (on phone):Oh my God, I am. I'm a total... / Runt! / I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt? Runt!

Liz:No, it's two dozen cupcakes with melted mini-candy bars in the middle.

Liz:I'm a nice person, you bald, gangly— / I'm gonna try harder. I'm gonna try and be nice.

Liz:I'm so sorry. I thought I turned it off. / No, Cooper, take the call. I mean, come on. This isn't Hitler's bunker. That would make me Hitler.

Liz:What is it? This is the new me. Do you like the new me? Before you answer, superballs!

Liz:Awesome! What a fun boss you have, right?

Pete · Liz:Where is everybody? / Oh, they all had personal problems they had to take care of.

Liz:If I thought I left my coffeemaker on, I wouldn't be able to focus either. / No no, I get it. Everyone should see Mama Mia before it closes. / What kind of sinus stuff?

Liz · Jack:Did you win your golf parade? / Even better. Next weekend Tracy and I are gonna double team Don Geiss with our big ideas.

Liz:You're so weird. / Now get out of here. I have to yell at my staff. / Because I'm not just feminine, I also can project my power.

Liz:You're so weird. Now get out of here. I have to yell at my staff. Because I'm not just feminine, I also can project my power.

Liz · Jack:Jack is found in the women's bathroom; 'This is the men's room.' / 'Oh!'

Liz:But at 3:30 this morning, I happened to see this episode of Designing Women. And when it came on again at 5:30, I taped it.

Liz:What do I hit, input? Is there a TV/VCR button? What is aux? Hey, can I go now? Hang on. I want your full attention! / Why is it making that noise?

Liz:Okay, never mind. But I want to say something to all of you.

Lutz · Liz:I'm sorry that I said that. / Please don't make me move back to Alaska, Liz. I hate it there.

Liz:And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again. Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman!

Liz:I will fire you. And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again. Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman!

Liz:I'm so tired. I'm so tired, you guys.

Frank · Liz:Frank attempts to point out something on Liz's face — 'Right here? Other side. Here? Up a little. In that area? You got it.' — and the interaction has no payoff because the audience never learns what it was.

Liz · Lutz:Aw, Lutz, that's okay. I'm just glad you're here. / Aw, you got a face like a baby's bottom. / Poop!

Liz:That sounds awesome. [in response to mom making daiquiris and singing Tanya Tucker]

Jack · Liz:You've been avoiding me, Lemon. / How do you do that without turning around?

Liz · Jack:His name is Floyd. / That's unfortunate.

Liz · Floyd:Jack wrote a book? / 'Jack Attack: The Art of Aggression in Business.'

Liz · Floyd:Oh, no. / He got here before us. / You're not supposed to let that happen. / That's chapter two in the book.

Liz:They look just like the one crapping in my office.

Liz:Don't give him a nickname before I do.

Liz · Floyd · Jack:Yeah, yeah. No, it's very nice. / Jack bought me this painting. / Wow. / Um... is that lion eating the horse? / Or perhaps it's eating universal healthcare.

Liz:Um, I think that Coulter was right. [said by Liz immediately after Floyd says 'it's like you two are dating']

Liz:Oh, he took his kids to that Russian cat circus.

Liz:'Cause this VapoRub isn't gonna get under my nose by itself.

Liz · Floyd · Jack:Floyd's phone texting exchange with Jack: Jack texts 'Good night' / 'And sleep tight' / 'And don't let the bed...' / 'All right, enough. Give me that.'

Jack · Liz:'Lemon, is that you?' / 'I always sign it Floydster.'

Liz · Floyd:Oh, it's Jack. / Don't answer it. [lights off, get down]

Liz:The call is coming from inside the house. / All right, turn off the lights and get down.

Floyd · Liz:Jack arrives at the window / 'Oh, my God.' / 'Can he see us?' / 'The call is coming from inside the house.' / 'All right, turn off the lights and get down.'

Jack · Liz:How about some kind of time-share arrangement? You can have him Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. / I don't want Friday. We have a show.

Liz:Look at your life, Jack. It's like this skybox. It's fancy and it's empty and it smells like crab cakes.

Liz:Slow down. I'm not ready to move my humidifiers yet.

Liz:'I'm on my grind.' Is that a...

Floyd · Liz:Oh, you like Wagner? No, I like Elmer Fudd. Kill da wabbit.

Liz:My parents were both poets, so I don't really get it.

Liz:If I was gonna spend $600 to have my boobs pinched, I would have gone to that fundraiser at the Clintons' house.

Liz:Phoebe, I'm really not that kind of girlfriend. I would gladly pick you up at the airport.

Floyd · Liz:Yeah, you gotta talk to your landlord about that rat race. / That is my landlord.

Floyd · Liz:Cleveland. / That is also a place.

Liz · TSA Agent · Floyd:This dream, this is way down the road, right? Three, maybe four years. / What's this fungus cream for? / All right, that's it. Show's over.

Liz · Floyd:You wanna end up like that? / No. / I'm gonna be like her. [cuts to woman being nearly run over in traffic]

Liz · Floyd:He spit in my mouth! / Let's go to Cleveland.

Liz · Jack:Golf clubs? Not just golf clubs. These clubs once belonged to President Gerald Ford.

Liz:Do you cover him? [Liz's reaction to learning Jack and Phoebe's sleeping arrangements]

Liz:By the hammer of Thor! [Liz discovers something at the address Phoebe secretly visited]

Liz:Would you also prescribe something for Tracy which would keep him awake during sex?

Tracy · Liz:They want me to disappear like Coolio. / Coolio is around!

Cleveland Stranger · Liz:Are you a model? / No. / Oh, you are so skinny. You really should eat something.

Liz:Kenneth, don't be so New York uptight. I'm sure he'll show up.

Liz · Floyd:When did you have time to look for jobs and houses? / When you were at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Liz:Did I tell you I sat in ZZ Top's car? And then I had lunch with Little Richard.

Cleveland TV Producer · Liz:We need a host for a new cooking show on WKYC. [beat as Liz registers being offered a Cleveland cooking show job]

Liz · Jack · Other Character:Floyd and I are thinking of moving. / No, you're not. / No, you're not. [Jack and someone else simultaneously]

Liz · Jack:What is this? / This is Frank's 'Hot Baby' sketch, which is regrettable, but we have no Tracy Jordan and a show in two days.

Liz:You want to be Yoko?

Liz · Phoebe:What happened to your accent? / Um... I don't know what you're on about. You...daft wanker.

Liz:Surprisingly fast. [reaction to Jack finding out about the Black Crusaders very quickly]

Liz:I can't go to Cleveland. [Liz's realization, alone]

Floyd · Liz:Liz... I took that job. / Blurgh.

Liz:I think she's weird, and I don't like her, and her ex-boyfriend is old. And I don't even think she's British! And you shouldn't marry her, Jack. Please don't marry her!

Liz:What? No! No, no, no.

Liz:I acted like a rational adult! I didn't get engaged to some gold digger, and then delude myself into thinking that I could keep up with her.

Liz · Jack:Yeah, Jack, I know that you fell asleep on top of her in Paris. / In Paris, France.

Liz:Oh, it's worse from behind.

Jenna · Liz:Did Jack say he cared about my weight? / No, he didn't even mention it. He's not noticing. No one is noticing.

Liz:Yeah, no, I have my something old. (Liz implies she IS the something old)

Jerry Seinfeld · Liz:I think I'm a little insulted! / You're insulted?!

Tracy · Liz:Oh, no! Did a Korean person die? / No, Tracy. It's a wedding dress.

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he has a $54 steak he cannot eat due to his secret heart attack and asks Liz to eat it in front of him

Liz · Jack:Liz says the steak will make a great sandwich tomorrow; Jack insists she eat it right now, in front of him

Liz:Liz says she subscribes to 'Giant Boats' instead of 'Yachting Illustrated'

Jack · Liz:'Pillowy abyss of a lover's bosom' — Jack tells Liz to ignore that part of the Geiss quote

Liz · Jack:Liz asks: 'By talking about sex in a sailing magazine?' Jack responds: 'That's exactly how Margaret Thatcher did it.'

Jack · Liz:Jack turns around to find Liz has eaten the entire steak; she claims 'A dog took it. He came out of nowhere.'

Liz:Liz argues for body acceptance, citing 'James Gandolfini or Fat Albert' as examples of respected heavy people

Liz:Liz's tooth falls out mid-sentence as she insists 'I'm not making excuses, Jack. But this is taken care of'

Liz · Jenna:The surgery brochure shows 'liposuction plus bone-shaving and organ reduction' as a package deal

Liz:Is this clinic on a boat?

Frank · Liz:Jack to Liz: 'Why do you have to make everything into an issue? Don't you have things to do in your own life? At least I don't live with my mom — ow.'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna performs 'Me Want Food' on television to audience laughter, but Liz realizes it's laughter at Jenna, not with her. 'They did laugh. At you, Jenna. At.'

Liz:Liz: 'You just can't be a real woman in this country. God, it's like those Dove commercials never even happened.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'And who's wearing a one-piece swimsuit instead of underwear?' Liz: 'I have to do laundry.'

Jack · Liz:Liz interrupts the moment and Jack immediately responds 'Oh hey, can I talk to you? You always ruin everything.'

Liz · Jack:'What animal best describes you?' / 'An eagle with the head of a bear.' / 'Thank you. Your respect means the world to me, Lemon.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he hired a private investigator to investigate himself

Jack · Liz:Jack deflects Liz's therapy talk by using a fake phone call: '- ring ring! - Hello. I'm sorry, I have to take this.'

Jack · Liz:Jack turns Liz's therapy overshare back on her: 'Well, you do the same thing with your therapist every week, don't you?'

Liz · Angie:'Bling bling! That is ghetto fabulous.' / 'This belonged to Brooke Astor.'

Angie · Liz:Angie asks Liz to help supervise Tracy, then: 'Will you be able to do that without falling in love with him?' / 'Does...' [Liz's reaction]

Liz:Liz: 'Can't plus-size women wear regular perfume?'

Angie · Liz · Tracy:The makeup artist puts makeup on Tracy and Angie reacts: 'Oh, hell no!' while Liz says 'Actually, he looks great. Thank you.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna shows Liz her belt notch progression to prove she's losing weight

Jenna · Liz:Jenna has a secret ritual with Jack where they 'slap their palms together when they walk by each other' — revealed to just be a high five

Liz · Angie:Liz covers for Tracy: 'He went to the vet. His cobra got sick.' / 'Okay.'

Angie · Liz:Angie to Liz: 'You smell like enorme and brass polish. You were at a strip club.' / 'I trusted you. You wear glasses.'

Liz · Angie:Sketch pitch: Tracy plays 'a gentleman who wears flamboyant clothes and lives uptown' — 'He's a pimp.' / 'He's an entrepreneur.' / Character name: 'Slick-Back Lamar.'

Angie · Liz:Liz tries to appeal to Angie and physically touches her: 'Excuse me. Did you just try to control my body with your white hand?'

Liz:Liz's theory: 'Women eat because they feel bad about themselves. Maybe that's the problem. Everything's going so well for Ms. Moroney right now.' — then adds: 'Yeah, so be mean to her.'

Jack · Liz:Jack's cookie jar that says 'Mom' on it — which he insists is 'an upside-down wow'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.' / Liz: 'A businesswoman.' / Jack: 'I don't think that's a word.'

Jack · Liz:Jack physically demonstrates fighting technique on a reluctant Liz: 'You want to lean in to take away their momentum. Hands up, come on!' / 'I don't want to.' / 'Lean in, come on.' / 'Oh, Jack, stop it!'

Liz · Angie:Liz offers Angie a 'consultant credit' — Angie: 'You think you're gonna buy me off so I'll play nice? It's never gonna happen.' / Then Liz ejects her, Angie says 'Are you stepping up on me?' / And Liz: 'So what if I am? Also, your nails look tacky.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz interrupts Tracy and Angie's apparent reconciliation/intimacy: 'Okay, so just to be clear, does this mean Angie is leaving or—' / 'Oh, no! You guys start with that?'

Liz:Liz immediately protests 'I'm not a follower' — then hears it comes with ten grand and immediately says 'I accept this proudly on behalf of followers everywhere'

Liz · Jack:He has a microwave for a head! But it's such an excellent GE microwave.

Jack · Liz:Where do you invest your money, Liz? / I have, like, 12 grand in checking. / Are you an immigrant?

Liz:Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?

Liz · Rosemary:Pardon me! / Pardon you? You were already pardoned! / It's funny 'cause it's true.

Liz:I used to make my friends act out your skits the next day. When I say friends, I mean my Fisher Price... my friend dolls. Because I didn't have a lot of friends.

Liz · Rosemary:Oh, boy. Am I still talking? / You're gonna kill me, aren't you?

Liz:You are my heroine. And by heroine, I mean lady hero. I don't wanna inject you and listen to jazz.

Liz:I'll never watch Happy Days the same way again.

Rosemary · Liz:Does everyone still do blow in Joe Garagiola's office? Which one is blow again? Is that cocaine?

Liz · Rosemary:You can't do race stuff on TV. It's too sensitive. / We would have done that on the Mandrell Sisters!

Liz:Liz says 'I'm not some... follower' with visible self-consciousness

Page · Liz:Hey, props gave me a bunch of dog penises for you to look at. / Oh, great, thanks.

Jack · Jonathan · Liz:Yes, you can. It's easy. Observe. Jonathan, you're fired! / What? No! God, no! No, I won't fire her.

Liz · Jack:You're like the talking mailbox. / I'm gonna assume that's a Haldeman reference. In which case, I thank you.

Liz:You are a suit. You feed off the creativity and hard work of other people and turn it into commercials and pie charts and triangle graphs.

Liz · Rosemary · Page:Rosemary, that was such a rush standing up to Jack like that. And I never would have done it if it weren't for you. / Jack says you're both fired.

Liz · Rosemary:I don't know what kind of corporate mind games he's playing. But if Jack thinks I'm crawling back there... Oh, screw him. / Now that you're free, we can work on something together! Yeah, we can start our own network called Bitch TV!

Liz:Or the second idea that we think of.

Liz · Rosemary:What neighborhood is this? / Oh, they call it little Chechnya. So gritty and real. More murders per capita than Detroit. Try not to write when you're living here. Is that guy carrying a gun? / Yeah, but don't worry. He's not a cop.

Liz · Rosemary:Have you been drinking wine all day? / Oh, it's heart healthy. / All day? / Oh, come on, Liz. It's the 90s!

Liz · Rosemary:Did an F train just go by your window? / I know that look. Don't even think about jumping for that train.

Rosemary · Liz:You pick up guys that are smart and funny. And they leave you for someone less complicated. You're never gonna get married, Liz. You're married to your job. / Oh my god. I lost my job.

Rosemary · Liz:You get up in the morning and smoke weed... / No, I don't. / You obsess about the Jamaican man across the hall. / Oh, my god. I lost my job.

Liz:All right, I need my job back. But this is not crawling, this is proud begging, like those kids that dance on the subway.

Liz:Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Liz · Jack:I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that? / With my eyes closed.

Liz · Jack:Oh, and by the way, I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever. / You should, that woman is unemployable.

Liz · Jack:Rosemary says that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked. / You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.

Jack · Liz:Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch. / I'll change it. [beat] / Hey, what about cat penises?

Liz:The only reason men start taking care of themselves is if they're getting someone to have sex with them. If it wasn't for that, they'd just sit at home in their own filth.

Liz:Greenzo? Is that the first name that came to your head?

Liz:I'm always the only person who shows up.

Liz:That's not a real person. You made that up.

Liz:Wow, if you licked the envelope, you could clone him, and then you'd have two Geisses.

Liz:Because you're acting all happy and full of life.

Liz:Yeah, and you're married, remember, Pete? Your beautiful wife Paula. And your sons, Robert and Jack. And that creepy little one who's always rubbing himself against the carpet.

Liz:Oh great, now I smell like midlife crisis!

Liz · Jared/Greenzo:You ever take off that costume? / You ever take off yours?

Liz · Unknown:I, uh, haven't had a chance to get to that Greenzo stuff yet. Hey, did you leave your computer on all night? Yeah, it just takes a really long time to reboot in the morning.

Liz:You jag! I just got this, like, eight years ago.

Liz · Paula · Pete:Liz! / Paula? / You're cheating with your wife! Why didn't you tell me about this!

Liz:You dummy, first of all, you didn't dial that cell phone. Second of all, that is your own rumor.

Liz:Just like colonial Williamsburg.

Liz · Jack:Wow, is that true? / It doesn't matter if it's true. He works for that money.

Liz · Pete:So much hair. / Sorry, she likes me natural.

Liz:The Harlem Globetrotters are gonna be there. The girl from Heroes is gonna take a shower. Now Jack is going to this party? This is nuts.

Jack · Liz:Don't panic, Lemon. It's probably not a chemical attack. / What do you mean 'probably'?

Jack · Liz:I don't think it's Northrax. / What's Northrax? / It's a chemical agent we sold to the Saudis in the 1980s. It smells exactly like maple syrup. But I don't think this is it. / Well, how do you know? / Because Northrax kills you within ten seconds.

Liz · Jack:Um, I don't think he's real. / Oh, I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.

Liz:Don't get peer pressured into invading Iran.

Liz:All right! My prescription shampoo!

Liz · Raheem:Liz opens door to neighbor; reaction beat — she clearly finds him attractive and is instantly awkward and flustered

Liz:Raheem. That's-- that's my mother's name. / No, it-- no, I'm just kidding.

Liz · Pete:He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand. And I think it's because I'm a woman. / And get this — he's got maps all over his walls. / Maps. / Maps?

Pete · Liz:You mean like that one? / That's different, that's -- that's an antique. And I'm a white lady.

Liz:Remember, I asked that black guy if he had seen Sideways?

Liz:I don't want to sound racist, but that pita pocket might be a terrorist.

Liz:'What the what?' — Liz's reaction to the Sheinhardt wig PR campaign propaganda on TV

Liz · Jack:I think my middle eastern neighbor is a terrorist, and I don't know what to do. / That's ridiculous, Lemon. Some of our greatest patriots have been of Middle Eastern descent. And I'm appalled to hear you engage in racial profiling like that. [beat] I'm kidding. Be an American — call it in.

Jack · Liz:If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions... / I know, right?

Liz · Homeland Security Agent:Hi, I'm not sure, but— / Who is he, and where can we find him?

Liz · Raheem:Note from Raheem found in package: 'I know you are in the media. Please get this in the right hands. — Raheem' [followed by the Amazing Race audition tape revelation]

Raheem · Liz:They put electrodes on my testicles, Liz. / Who did? / Oh, you... remembered my name.

Raheem · Liz:I have so much anger inside. I want to do something spectacular with it. / Northrax.

Liz's neighbor · Liz · Jack:Hey! I made waffles. / Thank god. / Yeah.

Liz · Tracy:Liz declining the animals-only strip club invitation by asking: 'Does that mean the animals strip or the animals are the customers?'

Liz:You monster! Why are you like this?

Liz · Lutz:Ugh, Jenna, that guy is a baby. / Lutz? I'm Lutz.

Liz:Give it up, Jenna. You're talking to an ultrasound.

Liz · Jack:I can't believe I did that. I told myself I would never lie about my age. / These things happen, Liz. I had my 'no sex with Asians' rule. But then one day you walk into Sharper Image, and there's Quan.

Liz:I'm not against fun. I went up on my roof the other day.

Cerie · Liz · Cerie:Wow. Coffee guy? That'll really make your ex-husband jealous. / Cerie, for the last time, I have never been married. / That's the spirit!

Liz:Yeah, that's right. I have a boy toy, and we look awesome together.

Jenna · Liz:That's great, Maude. How's Harold? / His name is Jamie, and you know what? I don't spend a lot of time worrying about his feelings.

Jamie · Liz:I had fun the other night. Your roof is awesome. / Oh, thanks. I go up there all the time.

Liz · Jamie:Liz buying Jamie the leather bracelet while calling him 'baby' and taking a cab for the first time with under seven people

Jamie · Liz · Jamie · Beth · Beth:All right, Mom. I'm taking off! / Mom? / Yeah, I'm 20. I can't afford this place. / All right, honey. Have a good time. / Oh, hi. I'm Beth.

Liz:Yep, that's what we look like.

Liz:Shut it down.

Jack · Liz:A younger companion makes you feel more alive. Opens you up to new experiences, fresh points of view, stimulating conversation. / Stop repeating what I say.

Jack · Liz · Jack · Liz:Of course, there are exceptions. Thank God I'm off the market. / Oh. Are you seeing someone? / What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need. / That's gross, Jack.

Liz:Stop hitting yourself, Jenna. Why are you like this?

Liz:Liz's muffin top song/dance at the end: 'My muffin top is all that / Whole grain, low fat / I know you want a piece of that / But I just want to dance...' etc.

Jack · C.C. · Liz:Take off your pants suit. / Right back at you. / Oh! Workplace!

Liz · C.C.:Liz: 'I like your necklace.' C.C.: 'It's actually a rape whistle but the whistle part fell off, and I just liked how it looked so I kept it.'

Liz:Liz says 'It' meaning business: 'I call the movie Risky Business, Risky It, because 'it' means business.'

Liz:Liz says 'Lemon out' as she exits — as if signing off from a radio broadcast

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'That woman you met this morning in my office is not a colleague of mine. We are lovers.' Liz: 'Oh, that word bums me out unless it's between the words meat and pizza.'

Liz:Liz: 'Oh, come on! I don't have that. Very hairy.'

Liz · Pete:Liz to Pete: 'He's fine. I just need you to make him a Pacific Rim Emmy.' Pete: 'Props has an old basketball trophy we could solder some wings onto.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'I don't get that kind of treatment.' Liz: 'I don't have to treat you that way because you're the sane one. You're my rock.' Jenna: 'It is amazing how grounded I've been able to stay despite my célébrité.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'How could Tracy not thank me? I drag myself out of bed at 4:00 in the morning, go home, get dressed, come in here, and he doesn't even mention my name?' Liz: 'Jenna, the whole thing is fake.' Jenna: 'Yeah, but he thought it was real.'

Liz:Liz: 'I did hear the janitor saying your boobs looked good.'

C.C. · Liz:C.C. and Liz play a game where they apparently finish each other's celebrity references without speaking. 'Venus Williams.' 'Remember that time you fell asleep?' 'Captain Beefheart.'

C.C. · Liz · Kenneth:The Charades game at the dinner party: 'This is not a character from a television program.' 'Okay. This is not a character from the Bible.' 'Uh, pass.' 'You can't pass, you hillbilly!'

C.C. · Liz:C.C. slaps Liz: 'No. I'm sorry. I don't normally slap people.'

C.C. · Liz:In C.C. and Liz's conversation, out of nowhere: 'I'm-a the plumber. I'm here-a to fix the washing machine.' 'Come right in, Mr. Spunatelli.'

Liz:Liz: 'I don't think you want to take advice from me. I ate a 3 Musketeers bar for breakfast this morning, and this bra is held together with tape.'

Liz · C.C.:C.C. and Liz simultaneously: 'Me either.' Then Liz: 'Oh God, it was my birthday yesterday.'

Liz:Liz, grudgingly: 'All right, that's a pretty good burn, Patrice.'

James Carville · Liz:Carville tries to steal candy from a vending machine; Liz watches. Carville: 'Let me show you how it's done. Cajun style.'

Liz:Liz reveals she secretly runs Jenna's fan club as a punishment for a writer: 'That's me. I made Frank set that up as a punishment after he farted in my chair.'

Liz:Liz describes secretly calling in to Jenna's morning radio show as all the callers: 'every caller was me. I am loving all of your characters. Thanks for calling, Sanjay. I really believe in Karma.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'And this award you just got? It's a cookie.' Jenna: 'Ooh, crunch!'

Liz:Liz's monologue: 'I don't sleep, I don't eat right, thanks to you and Tracy Jordan. Mostly you.'

Liz · Jack:Liz says her family hasn't fought since 'the gas crisis of '79' and 'since Carter left office, it's been pretty smooth sailing.' Jack's reply: 'You got that right.'

Colleen · Jack · Liz:Colleen listens to Jack's voicemail from C.C. and asks 'Is she Spanish?' When Jack asks 'What if she was, Mother?', Colleen replies 'My thanks to the peanut gallery.'

Liz · Mitch:Liz explains Mitch's 'trauma-induced niveaphobia' — he's stuck in the day before his ski accident — cut to Mitch excitedly saying 'Oh, tomorrow's the big day! It's gonna be totally rad!'

Liz · Pete:After explaining Mitch thinks it's 1985, Liz adds: 'It should be mentioned that, sexually, Mitch is very much an adult.' / 'No, it should not be mentioned.'

Liz:Liz clarifies the food she's eating is not for her — she's sending it to her mother's hotel room 'because the room service there is too salty.'

Mitch · Liz:Mitch mentions Chris Stanek got divorced — Liz immediately perks up: 'When? Is he dating again?'

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz her family is 'strange' — not because of Mitch's condition, which he accepts immediately — but because her parents seem 'supersupportive.' 'Was she taunting you?'

Liz · Young Liz:Flashback to young Liz playing football: 'Even when I sued the Lower White Haven School District to let girls play football.' — Cut to: Young Liz in uniform yelling 'Hut! Yeah! Feminism!'

Dick Lemon · Liz:Colleen reveals to Liz that the Lemon parents skipped her football game — Dick says 'We were a little embarrassed, Liz.'

Margaret Lemon · Liz:Margaret snaps at Liz: 'Are you taking a stand now by not giving us grandchildren?' — then the grandchildren argument reveals Mitch is 40.

Liz · Jack:Liz protests the Reverend Gary situation: 'This is not what I meant!' Jack: 'Yes, it is!'

Liz · Mitch:Liz and Jack watch the family breakdown: 'It was ridiculous to lie to him that long anyway.' — about Mitch's age — while Mitch screams 'My life is ruined!'

Liz · Pete · unnamed staff:This show is the worst. / Didn't one of those milfs die during production? / She had too much champagne, and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand. / It could happen anywhere.

Pete · Liz:The season finale of Milf Island. And I'm gonna watch it alone in my office. That's pretty grim, Pete.

Pete · Liz:Ooh, a dangler! / Liz, I'm gonna get free food. / It's Soy Joy. / Who doesn't love Soy Joy? / Somebody upstairs has changed their mind about old Pete Hornberger.

Liz:Um, I don't. I don't really watch this show.

Jack · Liz:Before she was cast on Milf Island, she was just a struggling actress living in L.A. / Wow, that's inspiring.

Jack · Liz:The critics said that same thing about Shakespeare. / Yeah, but Shakespeare never had a confessional shower sponsored by Dove Pro-Age.

Liz · Jack:I don't think eating bugs to earn tampons... / Episode nine. 22 million viewers.

Liz · Josh:No, I think you're safe because I think he forgot that you're a person. / Yeah!

Tracy · Liz:He's the one I'm splitting the $3 million with. / You and Jack Donaghy are the cause of my jawline acne!

Liz · Reporter:Liz meets a reporter right after saying 'That guy can eat my poo' — revealed through the flashback/Kenneth account

Jonathan · Liz:Jonathan, did someone turn the heat up? / No idea. / Where I'm from, we don't notice the heat. / That's interesting. I didn't know it was hot in Assholevania.

Liz:You apple-faced goon!

Liz · Jack:I'm sorry, did you want something? / I just wanted to tell you... that I've narrowed it down to Toofer or Frank.

Jack · Liz:Mr. Geiss, I-- oh, hello, Vice President Cheney. / I'm gonna kill you. / Yes, I hope Deborah wins as well.

Liz:You listen to me, li'l Abner. Keep your fried baloney hole shut! I am not going down for this! I'll tell him you did it.

Liz:Who do you think he's gonna believe? I'm important around here.

Liz:I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to be number one!

Liz:When I was born, I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot. They think maybe I ate my twin.

Liz:So all through grade school, I had to wear corrective foot gear that attached to a headgear.

Liz · Frank:Why are you still here? / I love it up here. It's hot, it's loud, there's no pizza. It's like Miami.

Liz · Staff:After all the times I have defended you guys and covered up for you, how dare you accuse me! You say you're sorry right now. / I'm sorry. / Please don't cry, it's making me feel weird.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, do you have anything you want to add? / [long pause] You disgust me.

Liz · Jack:I'm sure the person who said it probably didn't mean it. / No, they meant it. They think I'm a moron, just like Gilly and everyone else. / Even Gilly made fun of you?

Jack · Liz:You know, it's funny, Lemon. I g-guess I'll always b-b-b-be that k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k- [Liz confesses]

Liz:It was me! I did it! I didn't mean any of it. I'm sorry I said you could eat my poo.

Jack · Liz:And you do know how you're gonna make this up to me, don't you? / Oh, god. / I've gotta write the Deborah show. She wants to sing in every episode.

Liz · Jack:You knew. How? / No onion rings? Ugh, this place can eat my poo! / You say that word a lot more than you realize.

Liz:What's the Committee to Reinvade Vietnam?

Liz:I'm saving that money for new humidifiers. The same model that's keeping Larry King alive.

Liz:Food network doesn't have a news show.

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman and your ex-boyfriend. And Dateline predator. Exonerated Dateline predator. The whole thing was one big silly misunderstanding. Like the Giuliani campaign.

Liz:400% of my sodium? I should not be eating these.

Liz · Jenna:Reaction beat: Liz processes 'The Weeks' comment in silence.

Jenna · Liz:Dennis is like those off-brand Mexican Cheetos. My 'Sabor de soledad'? I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood.

Liz · Dennis:Very funny. / Very funny? How would you know?

Dennis · Liz:Elizabeth Conworthy Lemon. / Okay, that's not my middle name.

Liz:Entertaining a guest of the show is called being professional. It wasn't a date or whatever — I paid for dinner.

Liz:He can't get credit cards, Jenna, because his cousin Teddy used Dennis' social to get a cell phone that Teddy then couldn't pay for because this Indian guy that he was working for... You know what, I don't have to explain myself to you.

Liz:I don't like a lot of people, Jenna, but that dumb creep makes me laugh.

Liz:Do I? I might be an idiot. I know I'm supposed to make myself nice meals, instead of eating junk.

Liz · Jenna:Do you know what I use my oven for? / Warming your jeans in the morning? / That's right, and it feels good.

Liz · Jenna:If you give into it, you just start to feel kind of numb and warm, and then you just get sleepy. That's not that bad. / That's exactly what they say it's like when you freeze to death.

Liz:Blurgh.

Dennis · Liz:Elizabeth Sarah Lemon — / That's not my middle name.

Dennis · Liz:Will you marry me? / Oh, god.

Liz:You don't know this guy. He is not the man you think he is.

Bucky Bright · Liz:Oh, well this one's dating a Dateline predator. Exonerated. And we're not dating.

Dennis · Liz:It was on a subway platform just like this. On a night just like this. / It's still daytime. And we're inside.

Liz · Dennis:You failed the firefighter exam? / Yeah, it's totally biased against the Irish, you know.

Liz:If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Liz · Dennis:Dennis, don't you dare. / Liz, work with me now. Just go limp. / It'll be phenomenal, Liz, come on. / Ah, damn, it's the wrong track. It's stupid express. / You thought it was this track too, didn't you?

Liz:You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound!

Liz:I was gonna live with the gorillas.

Liz · Writer:Is it the 8 of diamonds? — Nope.

Tracy · Liz:His music stick. / His flute.

Tracy · Liz:Eureka! / What is it, Tra? / We should call Eureka! She always has good ideas.

Liz:Oh, Jack! I was just doing reading about gorilla researchers for a sketch we're doing, making fun of them. For devoting their lives to the jungle and its noble inhabitants.

Liz:Jack was nowhere near that meeting. He wasn't even in New York 'cause he was off with his girlfriend leaving me in charge, so take that, Liz.

Liz:Oh my god. Please don't say anything. I'll give you Kenneth.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, where do you see yourself in five years? / Realistically, teaching improv on cruise ships.

Liz:What? When did you get microwaves back?

Liz:No — no, I'm not an executive. Executives are, like, huh-huh-huh. And I'm, like, haa.

Liz:This is the starting salary. [Liz looks at paper.] Suck it, monkeys! I'm goin' corporate!

Liz · Jack:I'm feeling pretty drunk. / Well, it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

Liz:As you know, we've sunk a lot of money into developing this new microwave start button. It's been four years and $10 million.

Board member · Liz · Board member · Liz:I kind of like the old button. / Button classic. I love it. / Button classic? It's hip and homey. / Oh my god, guys. We're crushing it!

Liz · Jack:Jeez, Jack, offer to buy a girl dinner first. / Classic Lemon!

Geiss · Liz:Aren't you the gal who pioneered the Button Classic campaign? / That was me!

Geiss · Liz:Oh, my blood sugar is dropping. Liz, sweetie, can you run out to the dessert table and get me something? / Oh, sure, but you should know that I work for tips.

Liz:Business drunk! More business juice, please!

Jack · Liz:Mr. Geiss? / Oh, blurgh!

Liz · Someone:Is it 4-1-1 or 9-1-1? / Uh, New York. Uh, diabetes repair, I guess.

Liz:Well, it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive. [Liz realizes she got business sick all over her outfit]

Liz · Pete:Marcus Schenkenberg was there. Who? Okay, the craziest thing happened...

Pete · Liz:You were using your treadmill? Yes, and, yes, Pete, I use it every day.

Pete · Liz:JetFun. Is that the one with the footbaths? Oh, no, that's AirBike. They also have in-flight pornos and NBC news. JetFun's the one that hands out fresh popcorn.

Liz:The last time I tried to get in touch with him, some Rust Belt tramp answered the phone.

Liz:I want to be top dog for once instead of just... dog.

Liz:For once, I am not gonna be Jan Brady. I'm gonna be Marcia, damn it. Oh, my nose! My bad! See? It's starting already.

Liz:Look out, Floyd. There is a new Liz and... Ooh, Sandwich Day.

Liz:No one knows what it's called or where it is. It's a Teamster secret. But they buy us these sandwiches. Oh, such sandwiches! And the dipping sauce. Oh, joy! God bless us, every one!

Writers' Room · Liz:Look. Liz Lemon's sandwich is still on her desk. / Ohh. Taking Liz's food is not good. / Where's my mac and cheese?! / But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

Liz:I'm pretty tired from playing as hard as I work. Okay, now... bring up 23. And give me some air.

Floyd · Liz:Hey, can I take you out to dinner tonight? You know, maybe we hit that barbecue place you puked at. You'll have to be more specific.

Liz:Oh, somebody get me out of this dress! I can't breathe!

Liz:Huh. You guys are working hard for once.

Kenneth · Liz:This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen, and the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

Liz:I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich, or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. You'll all have chins!

Liz:Yikes! Do you know it is 4:30? I haven't stayed up this late since college. And behind this trapdoor, more Orcs.

Floyd · Liz:Like right now, for instance. Well, what does New York have that Cleveland doesn't have? I read that you guys are getting an Ikea. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. We've just been burned before.

Liz:Now turn and look back at me. / Attaboy. Eat it up, Cleveland.

Liz:The poor guy got Lemoned... hard.

Liz · Jenna:No, Jenna, I did not come back from the bathroom and hand him my underwear. That's how I met that mobster.

Liz:Who was that bitch that answered your phone eight months ago?

Liz:What's her lower-back tattoo? A Chinese character that she thinks means 'peace,' but it really means 'I have chlamydia'?

Jack · Liz:I'm a bitch, I'm a lover? I'm a child, I'm a... Mother!

Floyd · Liz:I'm so glad you're bringing this up. Really? You are? / I didn't bring it up last night because we were having so much fun... Floyd then reveals his phone was never dead and the email about a flight was fake.

Liz:Peter Venkman... That's from Ghostbusters! You used Ghostbusters for evil!

Liz:Well, I hope your car blows up.

Liz · Floyd:I'll move to Cleveland when you get that Ikea. Never! Oh, you... Don't you deprive the good people of Cleveland an Ikea! You are vindictive, Liz Lemon!

TSA Agent · Liz:What's that in your bag? Uh, a sandwich and... dipping sauce. Unh-unh. That's more than 3 ounces. You can't bring that past here.

TSA Agent · Liz:That's sort of a cliché. You're sort of a cliché.

TSA Agent · Liz:You're choosing a sandwich over a guy. Hmm. That is less clichéd.

Liz · Bystander:I can do it. I can have it all! [Liz runs while eating the foil-wrapped sandwich at full speed] God, lady, you're eating foil!

Liz:I don't want your car to explode and I don't want you to go into a coma and I don't want to stab you in the face with a giant fork. What? Oh, that's not you. I've been threatening a lot of people lately.

Liz:And I wolfed my Teamster sub for you. Wait, no. Is that a saying?

Jack · Liz:Liz eating Mexican cheese curls at 8am; 'Don't knock my Sabor de Soledad. I found a prize in here the other day... I hope.'

Liz:Liz responds: 'Are the lightning bolts supposed to be going in or out?'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy asks Liz 'You having your woman times?' — Liz starts to deny it, then realizes she's late

Liz:Visual gag: Liz staring at a birth control pill calendar with days crossed off like a prisoner counting days

Liz:Liz's comeback to Cerie: 'But I have been sexually active since I was 25.'

Liz:Liz enters Jack's old GE office and starts talking to his mother's portrait, then catches herself

Liz:Liz's voicemail to Jack, interrupted by the sex sounds session in progress: 'Aah! Things are happening!'

Liz:Liz explaining 'back-door brag': 'It's hard for me to watch American Idol because I have perfect pitch.'

Liz · Friend:Liz figures out her friend is pregnant: 'You're pregnant.' 'What? Yes! How can you tell?' 'I just can. People always underestimate my instincts because of my looks.'

Liz:Liz: 'It is Floyd, right?' — implying doubt about who the father is

Friend · Liz:Liz discovers her friend slept with Dennis: 'It was before he tried to throw me under the subway train.'

Liz:Liz's response: 'You had a three-way with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.'

Liz:Liz's single-mom role models: 'Like Erin Brockovich or Sarah Connor.'

Liz:Liz's advice to her friend: 'And while you're there, try to get me some Adderall.'

Liz:Liz's collapsing voicemails to Jack: from casual to 'This is a disaster. This baby's gonna have a father!'

Liz:Compilation of Liz's escalating voicemails to Jack, now including pregnancy and Kenneth's acrobatics

Liz:Liz's extended voicemail about converting her 'laundry and newspaper pile into a nursery'

Jack · Liz:The Sabor de Soledad revelation: Mexican cheese curls get their 'special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen' and were causing false positives on pregnancy tests

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.' / Liz: 'They're so good.'

Liz:Liz: 'No, I can't go to a sperm bank. The Duffy men use those like ATMs.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals the President gave him a nickname too: 'The Jacker.' Both Jack and Liz react with resignation.

Jack · Liz:Hello, pussycat. / A lot of ladies get right in the car after that line, you creepy piece of... Jack!

Liz · Liz:Devin is the worst. It's like he doesn't even care when we should have cake for people whose birthdays are on the weekend. / The Friday before. At lunch.

Liz:I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica. That man can wear a sweater.

Liz · Jack:And if my home evaluation goes well I will be a mother by 50. / We really can have it all.

Bev · Liz:How old are you, Liz? Thirty-seven. / I should tell you right now it's important that you don't lie.

Bev · Liz:How often do you entertain gentlemen sex guests? / Once a year maybe? But I'd be open to cutting that down.

Liz:I was arrested once in Germany for public nudity. I thought it was a topless beach. It was a shipyard.

Bev · Liz:Is that a work call? / Could be. Or it could be my annual sex guest.

Liz · Frank:Liz wants everyone to be on their best behavior, leading to 'Nothing weird.' / Aw, come on, it's Movie Party Thursday. I brought in my tape of circus accidents.

Liz:Please, just be normal sauce for one day.

Liz · Jenna:Oh, I told you not to write back to your stalker. / Oh, no, this is not about Yolanda.

Jack · Liz:She touched me. / Who? / Kathy Geiss, she touched me in my swimsuit area.

Jack · Liz:Even if it takes five years. / I thought you said nine years? / I was promoted again this morning. I'm now Director of Mail Systems.

Liz · Little Creeper doll · Liz · Pete:Are these dolls? Are they? / Mommy. / They're called Little Creepers. Is it so wrong that I just want to have one of these to grow up and resent me? / Oh, you will.

Liz:Hey, Tracy, did you see that thing in the paper today about how Lil' Wayne... that's a person, right?

Tracy · Liz:To the Batmobile! / Don't worry, he's just leasing it.

Unknown crew member · Liz:Watch out, you idiot! Jackass! / We're like a big family here.

Liz · Fred · Liz · Bev:Hey, Rick. / I'm Fred. Rick is the other black guy. / Happens to everyone, right, Bev? / Yeah, happens all the time to my black husband.

Jenna · Bev · Jenna · Liz:Liz is a really, really mature person and she totally deserves to get custody of her kids. / It's not a custody case. Liz is trying to adopt a child. / Then who were those kids you were yelling at the other day? / Those were some child actors who had lied about being able to breakdance.

Tracy · Liz:Now you look out for my girl, Liz Lemon. 'Cause me and her go way back, like spinal cords and car seats. / That's not really an expression.

Liz · Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth, it is imperative that you keep Mr. Banks down here. Do you know what imperative means? / Tell me, tell me! / Important. It means important.

Liz · Jack:You smell like strawberries. / That's the lip gloss she put on me so I could be her fancy boy.

Liz:No way, the best part of soap operas is when someone's twin interrupts a wedding. Or somebody pulls a gun at the fitness center.

Jack · Liz · Liz · Pete:Would you like to see the green room? / What? / You mean the nursery! / We gotta get this stuff back to the rental place by 5:00.

Bev · Liz · Liz · Fred:Ms. Lemon, did you lie to me about there being a nursery here? / No! / Rick, what are you doing? / Bitch, my name is Fred.

Jack · Liz · Jack:Kathy, Bev and I are just friends. / Kathy's the new CEO of our company. / Bev, you better run. She's surprisingly strong.

Liz:Frank, I told you to change that hat!

Bev · Bev · Liz · Bev:Oh... / I'm Bev. I'm here to do Liz's adoption evaluation. / Ah! All right, take her to the hospital. / Let's get started!

Liz:Do-over! Do-over, she doesn't remember anything! You heard what the lady said, we're taking a mulligan. Let's make this one count now.

Liz · Jack:We might not be the best people. But we're not the worst? / Graduate students are the worst.

Bev · Liz:Oh... I'm Bev. I'm here to do Liz's adoption evaluation. / Ah! All right, take her to the hospital.

Jack · Liz · Kathy:Kathy is my partner. She's hiring me to advise her in all her business matters. / I'm sorry, darling. I've been paranoid ever since that incident with the weather machine. / Kiss, kiss, kiss!

Liz:Unfortunately, Bev has made a full recovery. So I have to start over with another agency.

Jack · Liz:Did you need something else, Lemon? / No, I just like seeing you in there.

Jenna · Liz:Liz assumes the urgent news is about someone's brother being hurt; the actual urgent news is about a Janis Joplin biopic

Liz:Liz greets a small stranger thinking he's a child: 'Hey, Max! Is this your baby sister? What a cute, little girl!'

Liz:'Or boy, if you grow up and feel that's what's inside you.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'I'm not baby crazy.' [sees a tiny lost shoe on the ground] 'Where did you get that little shoe?' / 'It isn't stealing if it fell on the ground.'

Jack · Liz:Jack to Liz: 'I like aggressive women with a nerdy vibe. How about we grab some coffee and explore this?' — hitting on Liz while she's standing next to Stuart

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Yes! I am so glad that I time-traveled here from 1969. Whoa! What is that iron bird?' / Liz: 'They had airplanes in the '60s, Jenna.'

Liz · Stuart:Elisa says working at the U.N. must be 'like working in the Galactic Senate in Star Wars'; U.N. rep Stuart confirms: 'They are similar. We are also very concerned about the growing influence of the Sith Lords.'

Liz · Stuart:Boy, I feel like I've just been talking non-stop. / No, you also ate quite a bit.

Liz:Liz explains how she met Stuart: 'Only insofar as we met because I touched his head thinking he was a child?'

Liz:Liz: 'But what if I say something stupid? Like order a tall coffee or talk about my Nintendo Wii?'

Jenna · Liz:'Take a lesson from Janis and show some self-control.' / 'How far into that biography are you?' / 'Not very. Why? What happens?'

Jack · Stuart · Liz:Jack asks how Stuart and Liz met; Stuart explains: 'Liz, here, just saw me on the street and went for it.' / Jack: 'Lemon did that?' / Stuart: 'Yeah, you know me. Spend my lunch hour walking up and down Sixth Avenue... looking for a hot meal.'

Liz:Yeah, you know me. Spend my lunch hour walking up and down Sixth Avenue... looking for a hot meal.

Liz · Stuart · Vendor:Street vendor: 'This guy makes badhushas. They're like an Indian doughnut. They're amazing.' / 'Careful, buddy! It's hot!'

Stuart · Liz:Stuart to Liz: 'Are you trying to pick me up to keep me from touching fire?'

Liz · Stuart:Liz: 'I'm weirder than you.' Stuart: 'How am I weird?' Liz: 'You're not. That came out wrong.' Stuart: 'You came out wrong.'

Liz · Stuart:Liz: 'Oh, it's kind of like a debutante... ball?' / Stuart: 'Hm. You did that on purpose.' / Liz: 'I did.'

Liz:Liz on the phone with Stuart: 'I'm kind of baby crazy... of late. Socially inept and baby crazy. I feel like I'm in a beer commercial.'

Stuart · Liz:Liz proposes the Brooklyn Bridge meeting; Stuart agrees but adds: 'Oh. And can you transfer me to the Italian ambassador's office? Because I'd like-a to make-a the prank phone call.'

Liz:Liz: 'Ew, my God.' — reaction to Jack's testicle disclosure

Liz:Doctor's office calls with results; Liz takes the call at Jack's request. 'The test was positive.' Pause. 'No, no, no, no, no. I mean positive like it's good. The test results were negative.'

Liz:Liz's attempt to tell others the good news: 'Funny... Jack thought the test results were positive.' — and the non-reaction

Liz:At the Brooklyn Bridge, Liz accidentally grabs another little person thinking it's Stuart: 'Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought he was someone else!'

Stuart · Liz:Stuart appears. Liz sees him. 'Wait. Shut it down!' — Stuart calling off the romantic reunion because of what he just saw

Liz:Thank you, Kenneth. (delivered as if it were a genuine compliment)

Liz:The place I go to has private beaches, soft-serve ice cream machines, and, after the French custom, people wear dark socks to the beach.

Liz · Cerie:It's called a 'Tankoort', Cerie. You may have seen it in Us Weekly being worn by Dame Judi Dench... 's mother.

Jack · Liz:The hotel was overbooked. I texted you. / No. No, you didn't! / Oh, I forgot to hit send. / Just hold on a second. [long pause] There you go.

Liz:Sully! Brett Favre, right?

Liz · Jack:Jack, you can't call her that! / That's what I thought.

Liz:I am from White Haven, PA. My grandfather dug out the White Haven quarry, and my other grandfather filled it back in with the sludge from the eraser factory.

Liz · Tracy · Jenna:What is wrong with it? Is that a beak? / Yes! / No. / Yes!

Tracy · Liz:They said it was a flu shot. But I know it's really a truth serum. / It's not a truth serum. / Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today?

Liz · Jack:Two-tiered health care is a crime. You know, in Cuba, everybody gets equal healthcare. / What a surprise. You've seen the Michael Moore movie. / Think again, Jack. I saw the trailer when I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Liz · crew member · Jenna:Fight the powers that be! / That's right! / This makes me want to 'shoop'! / 'Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop!'

crew members · Liz:Liz is given a 'meat plate' by crew members as thanks for her speech.

Liz:I am so happy, the number four, the letter 'U'.

Liz:Liz frantically thanking individual sick crew members, then recoiling in horror: 'Oh, God. They're all sick. They're all diseased! I can't get sick. I can't get sick. Stay away, sick ones!'

Liz · Dr. Spaceman:Give me the shot. I want to go on my vacation. I take back all the stuff I said. / If you want a shot... ...you're going to have to dance for it.

Dr. Spaceman · Liz:Liz, I believe doctor-patient confidentiality is a two-way street. / I'm cheating on my wife.

Liz:Is there anything you do that doesn't make my life harder?

Liz · Jack:You took the old man with you? / I admit it's an ethical gray area.

Liz · Jack:It's called principles, Jack. / Oh. I think I'm probably getting it.

Dr. Spaceman · Liz:About 24 hours after receiving the flu shot... ...you develop a distinctive rash... ...at the injection site. So, please let Make-Up know for... Tracy and Jenna. [reaction beat as Liz realizes she's been caught]

Kenneth · Liz:Did you... Did you get the shot? / No, no, no. This is a dream. You're having a fever dream. We're speaking French, and I'm your mother. / Oh... Oh, ma chère maman! Pourquoi? Pourquoi m'as-tu laissé?

Liz:No, they love Liz now. Everybody likes me. It's you two idiots --

Liz · crew:No, guys. Listen, you don't understand. This vacation -- / You sold us out for a vacation? / No! Not just any vacation. This one has beach socks and ice cream and sandwich turtles!

Liz:There is a gentleman involved! A Filipino gentleman. His name is Banyani. I want to take him as my island lover! Last year, he was totally sending signals. And this time, I was going to go for it! There! I said it! Are you happy?

Liz:It kind of peters out after that. I just suck pie off my sweatshirt for the next half hour.

Jack · Liz · Dr. Spaceman:Did that come out of you or me? / I don't know. / It's really hot in here. / You know, the flu vaccine is actually a small dose of the virus itself. So, there's always the risk that -- Oh God! Both ends! Both ends! / I'm not going to make it!

Jack · Liz:Jack asks Liz which photo she prefers; she picks one and asks what it's for — it turns out to be for a corporate keynote address, making her 'wacky' aesthetic choice immediately deflating.

Liz · Jenna:Liz performs the improv scene: audience suggestion is 'Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.' Liz as Sling Blade says 'I sure do like them French-fried pataters.'

Liz:'Jenna is not a great improviser.'

Liz:Liz diagnoses Jack's anxiety as 'camp jitters' — you haven't seen your 'little business camp friends' in a year and you're afraid they'll think you got weird.

Liz:Liz agrees to go to the retreat, but only if there's a spa — specifically, a spa where you're allowed to eat in the sauna, 'because at some places, they get mad.'

Liz · Jack:Liz catches Jack psyching himself up in the mirror. She admits she does the same thing before parties where she doesn't know a lot of people — 'Stop sweating, you idiot. What is wrong with you, you stupid bitch?'

Executive · Jack · Liz:Corporate nonsense speak: 'The Finulus data suggest we should be leveraging disintermediation paradigms.' / 'The Finular analysis will concur with any synergized mindshare classifications.' / 'Bladorian frankles.'

Liz · Prashant · Joan:Liz tries to explain she's not part of the corporate structure. The M-7s keep offering her corporate letter designations: 'G'? 'H'? 'J'? She insists she's no letter.

Jack · Liz:'CLASS' is another acronym: Consuming Lunch And Simple Socializing. 'Now, that just seems intentionally confusing.'

Jack · Liz:The LUNCH Lego exercise: Jack barking instructions — 'Don't stop talking! Hands in pockets, Joan! Prashant, your job is to watch Joan!' / 'Say something, Haircut!' / 'Uh-doy-ee! It goes on top! It's a smoke stack!'

Liz:Liz drops a Lego piece and explains 'Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis. Robot penis.'

Liz:Liz's wounded response: Jack made her feel like a camp buddy who got dumped at the lake with the fat kids to make bracelets.

Liz:Liz declares 'Friendship over!' and storms out.

Liz:Liz storms out past a waitress/attendant and mutters 'Like a waitress' — apparently comparing herself to a service worker being dismissed

Liz · Prashant:Liz has befriended Prashant and Joan — suggesting 'we should start calling ourselves The Three Musketeers!' Prashant deadpans: 'Not.'

Jack's Colleague · Liz:Donaghy's colleagues react in horror in the ballroom as the speech plays. 'Just don't say your name, Jack. Please don't say your name.'

Liz:Liz takes the stage and claims she was doing a 'Jack Donaghy impression where I say crazy things that he would never say.' 'So let's maximize our fun quadrant tonight!'

Liz · Crowd:Liz asks the crowd to shout out impressions. They ask for Jack Donaghy. 'No! What else?'

Liz · Audience:Audience shouts: 'Do Jack Donaghy again!' Liz: 'No! What else?'

Liz:Liz does a Sling Blade impression — 'I believe I heard Sling Blade. Mmm, I love them French-fried pataters.' The crowd starts booing and telling her to get off.

Liz:Liz performs 'Sling Blade' when a voice calls for it: 'Mmm, I love them French-fried pataters.' — then gets booed: 'Get off!'

Liz:Liz pivots to Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days: 'Oh, Howard. Oh, Arthur.' The crowd is silent/negative.

Liz · Dave:Liz asks 'Dave' what the craziest thing that happened this weekend was. Dave says 'Hearing Jack Donaghy talk on that microphone.' Liz: 'Well... not anymore, 'cause check this out.' — then plays 'Everybody Dance Now.'

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz her intervention 'actually worked' — many people emailed asking if they were there 'when the bra lady went crazy.'

Liz:Liz's final line: 'That's what friends do, Jack. Uh-doy-ee.' — using the phrase Jack specifically told her not to say to him at the retreat.

Liz:Soap and spanish magazines? What, are you expecting a visit from the...

Liz:None of this is mine. I live in 3-B, this is 13-B. You know what, I'm gonna say it. Women should not deliver the mail.

Liz:He's a pediatrician, so you know he likes kids. Or feet. No, kids.

Liz:And he has a golf magazine, so you know he's not gay or poor.

Liz:He has an ice cream maker? Come on! Don't be weird-looking.

Liz:I want to go to there.

Liz:Boy, I hope those two don't eventually have a showdown that pits family against justice.

Liz:Told him his haircut was exactly what I've been trying to describe to my barber.

Liz:He went to medical school at Columbia, all kinds of charity baloney... He gets all of the movie channels, including Starz.

Liz:He trains seeing eye dogs at home.

Jack · Liz:He stole that girl's love letters and opened them. / Opened her mail? That is just shocking. He's a monster. / Or he has a really good reason to do it.

Liz · Jack:And how did he use her mail to do that, exactly? / He read her most intimate secrets, and turned himself into that which she desired.

Drew · Liz:My dog ran away! / Let me get my coat.

Liz:The funny thing is this is what I love about him.

Jack · Liz:So did you ever find Buster? / What did you not understand? That picture is from a dog food ad.

Liz · unnamed writer (possibly Frank):That's what I could do to Drew. / Drug him? Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Elisa · Liz:El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane. / I am not the Generalissimo.

Liz:The party's tomorrow night. Tonight, I'm just hanging out, eating fondue by candlelight. But come in, I was just opening a bottle of wine to drink alone.

Liz:Buster, you wang! Let's get you back in your special kitchen cabinet.

Liz · Drew:You've been roofied! / You did what? / Not me. The pills!

Drew · Liz:Is this my mail? / You're not thinking clearly. / Why is it all open?

Drew · Liz:That's not your dog. / I can explain. Just relax.

Liz · Drew:I am the Generalissimo! / I don't know what that means.

Liz · Drew:Monty Python, Live at the Hollywood Bowl. Classic. / Membership in the Cheese of the Month Club, and the Steak of the Month Club, and a copy of Vegetarian Times. / I'm a flip-flopper.

Liz:Also a response to your complaint about bad grammar in subway ads. The word 'whom' deserves a defender.

Liz:I know that I lied to you, and I accidentally roofied you, but... weirder things have happened, right?

Liz · Jack:Jack this is ridiculous. / It's a date.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, you're a woman. Of course I am! That doctor was a quack, I don't even know why my parents listened to him.

Liz:Aww, ladies are such a bummer. Where is this going, how serious are we, why don't you listen to my story about my friend?

Liz · Jack:- You mean, like, marriage? - No, the one before that. - Moving in together? That's huge! - No, the thing you do before that. - think 'you in the mid-nineties.' - You haven't had sex?

Jack · Liz:We have, of course, pleasured one another — No, stop, I believe.

Liz:Second, and more importantly, in 2009 I have done it two more times than you.

Liz:Give it up what, what. Whoo, do not leave a brother hanging.

Liz · Asseef:I work with him, if you want I could bring a signed photo. / You bring 800 dollars, rich lady, or I throw the phone away.

Liz · Asseef:What? Oh, yeah, I'll definitely do that, on Opposite Day. / I'm new to this country, is that a real thing?

Liz:Ach, I lost my phone and this jagweed cabby has it.

Asseef · Liz:I found that special picture that you took with your phone. — What picture? Oh my god! — Yes. That one.

Liz:Drew took it as a joke, I'm making a face like— Why am I telling you this?

Liz:Top and bottom — may I speak with Asseef?

Liz · Multiple Staff Members:Will one of your guys go with me? — No ma'am. — Good luck. — I would, but I don't want to.

Kenneth · Liz:We pages are accustomed to danger. — Thank you Kenneth, can you leave now, this place is in Queens. — Oh, Miss Lemon, I can't leave Manhattan on page business. NBC's interns doesn't cover it. I'll have to do this as a friend.

Kenneth · Liz:Say it. Say I'm your friend. / Fine. You're my friend, Kenneth. Let's go.

Liz:It was a German song, she was German.

Liz:Liz's nana lullaby story — she visited, recorded the lullaby, grandmother died a few hours later, it was her birthday.

Kenneth · Liz:Was this your nana Lemon? — Yeah, she's the one we're doing this for. — She's dead, come on.

Kenneth · Liz:Wait, why is she wearing these glasses? This is from New Year's, but you said she died on your birthday, and that's in November. — No, that's not a New Year's thing, that's the year she wanted to live to, and she didn't make it.

Liz:You want the truth Kenneth, you want the truth? I can't handle the truth!

Liz:It's a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.

Liz · Kenneth:Good. / I don't need you! / Co-worker!

Liz:Yes. I. Am. [Liz, in response to 'You have no friends']

Liz:Yes. I. Am.

Asseef · Liz:I'm gonna watch TV until you come up with my money. Maybe you get it through sex trade. You're a pretty young thing. — You're disgusting. — I'm not talking to you.

Liz · Kenneth:Because I'm having an asbestos removal party in my apartment on Sunday. — Yeah, I'm in.

Frank · Liz:Hey, Liz. Me, Lutz, Toofer, and Josh are going to go to that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas. You in?

Pete · Liz:Donuts and then bed. What are you depressed about or celebrating?

Liz:Well, don't you have some gallery opening or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner city youths?

Liz · Becca:Should you be working the night shift alone like this? It's fine. They gave me a gun.

Becca · Liz:You want a dozen donuts to stay? And a skim milk.

Liz:I don't like that you have crazy-eyes. Oh, shut up, mouth.

Liz:When I was your age, you could just be like, 'Oh, he probably tried to call me, but my line was busy.' And then just... watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.

Liz · Becca:# I need you... / Finally! Thank you! Somebody cool, for once.

Becca · Liz:# Now, we are joined / in a cobweb of rainbows...? Stop. Tears. The world needs to hear your music.

Becca · Liz:You already dress like a mom. ...And stop.

Becca · Liz:# Mothers and fathers and jugglers and judges... # Now, we are joined in a cobweb of rainbows...

Jack · Frank · Liz:Did you know that if you sing 'Happy Birthday' on a TV show, you have to pay for it? I did not know that. # Hap...? Hey!

Liz:He's coming to steal my baby.

Liz:I'm the one who's been there for Becca. For almost two days!

Liz · Jack:Is that Harry and the Hendersons? You've seen it? This is my life, Jack.

Liz:Ugh! Fine, Lithgow! I'll do the right thing. God! I guess someone's been watching The World According to Garp. Damn it. Tim, wait.

Liz · Tim:Do you love Becca? She's like my soul mate. I mean... You're not listening, dummy!

Liz · Frank:And get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding because it's fun and people like it. Where are we going? I already cleaned out my office.

Becca · Liz · Tim:# The rainbows and the cobwebs and the cobwebs and the rainbows... / And stop.

Jack · Liz:I guess, in a way... we both lost children today. Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.

Jack · Liz · Tim:Don't worry, Lemon. I'm confident that someday you'll have... everything you want. Can someone please tell me how to get out of this building? It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!

Tim · Liz:Yeah. I'm a celebrity! Please! Sad.

Liz:A round, plastic deal that holds your shoes with a pocket for a photograph of what shoes are in there.

Liz:I'm going to become wonderful. It's a new beginning. Like a phoenix rise... Watch out! Or... maybe this is going to be the worst day ever.

Liz:Already today, I have lost faith in 'decorganizing', chipped a tooth, and lost a shoving match to what I thought was a female bike messenger.

Liz · Frank:Why are you not wearing pants? / They still have the heat set for winter and my office is boiling.

Liz:No. I told you to buy more 'Proactiv'.

Jenna · Liz:We could cut the lesbian scene. But the Oscars love that kind of thing.

Liz:Jenna. That's a glue stick.

Jack · Liz:Or should I say... very little? The pocket microwave? / You can buy it on Friday along with everyone else. It has a ham button. You used my idea!

Liz:It has a ham button. You used my idea!

Liz:I've got my Princess Leia outfit and some Playgirl magazines from the early 1980s. They will dismiss me immediately as a weirdo.

Kenneth · Liz:If no one's in charge, who will yell at me for goofing up the lunch order? / We all will, Kenneth. We all will.

Liz · Frank:I am not asking you this as the boss you love to undermine, but as the friend whose birthday you love to forget. Oops!

Liz · Frank:Liz tells Frank to 'be normal sauce' for two hours

Liz · Court Officer:And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram. / You seem fine to me. Report to Jury Room 'B'.

Liz:Excuse me, Imperial Guard. How long do these arson trials typically last?

Liz · Court Officer:You can drop the voice. / Oh. This used to get me out of jury duty in Chicago all the time. / This ain't Chicago, honey.

Liz:Liz looks around the jury pool and says 'Oh, my God' — implying the assembled jurors are visibly chaotic

Jack · Liz:They're all dead, Lemon. / What? / They're all dead unless they come up with a name for my pocket microwave. They're up in my office right now where there are fewer... foosballs.

Liz:Liz on the witness stand, narrating her workplace situation as if it's the arson she's describing — overlapping with the actual arson witness testimony

Liz · Jenna:Which one of you is Jenna? / No. / Go to sleep! Sleep, Jenna! Sleep! It's for your own good! Don't fight me! Sleep or die!

Tracy · Liz · Jack:Hey, America! Oh, Tracy. Please cover for them. Check out my funcooker! / Did he just say 'Funcooker'? / Oh. That's where I've heard that.

Liz:All I did was ask for a Diet Slice and some pita chips.

Liz:All I did was ask for a Diet Slice and some pita chips.

Liz · Jack:My containers. My new beginning. / Lemon, we've both had a rough week. You went 'firebug', and I'm sitting on four million mini-microwaves that Legal won't let out of the warehouse.

Liz:It works in the shower? / You know what? This really is the best day ever.

Jack · Liz:Boy, we sure have done some crazy things with Tracy in the last three years. We sure have. I'm thinking about some of them now. Me too.

Jack · Tracy · Liz:Look, we got B.F.F. bracelets. You guys are best friends forever? That's not what that stands for.

Liz:Why would you celebrate that? [reaction beat — Liz staring at the bracelets]

Drew · Officer · Liz:Oh, wait! No, no! Uh, that's my car! Meter's expired. I forgot to get quarters. You know what? I got quarters. Thanks, Officer. You're welcome.

Calvin Klein · Drew · Liz:Excuse me. I'm Calvin Klein and I think you should be my next underwear model. Whoa, thanks! You don't wanna get a card or... a phone number? He'll figure it out.

Pete · Liz:How did you get a table? The chef sent over food. Ladies sent drinks. Mayor Bloomberg asked him to dance.

Jack · Liz:The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay, didn't I? [Liz does an over-the-top eye-roll]

Liz · Jack:Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye-roll. Oh, brother.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, I don't share this often... but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old. What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Liz:Oh, my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show!

Liz:And your eyes were so much bluer. What happened to your eyes?

Liz:That was a police sketch of a flasher who happened to look like Tracy... we hope.

Drew · Liz:It's nice of those guys to give up their court for us. Yes... for us.

Liz · Drew · Stranger:It's been a long time since college, huh? [Drew plays poorly; a stranger approaches to ask for lessons]

Liz · Drew:Now what is this? Dr. Drew's salmon bourguignon. What is this orange-y taste? Gatorade.

Drew · Liz:Are you choking? Are you choking? I'm a doctor. Stay calm, stay calm. I just need... I just need to shake it loose. Wait, don't panic. I just need to find something to push it down with. Do you have a chopstick or a fireplace match or something?

Jack · Liz:Did you tell him that he was no good in tennis? No, I let him win 'cause I wanted to make out with him in the cab.

Liz · Drew:Well, I put our name in, but it's gonna be a 45-minute wait. What? I'll go talk to the hostess. No. I want to show you something. We're going to wait for the table.

Drew · Liz:I hate this. Yeah, this is gonna be unpleasant.

Drew · Liz:Oh, yes, you can. The hot Italian lady from the Food Network told me so. Did she say it on TV? No, she said it to me when she jumped escalators to try to talk...

Drew · Liz:That's game. Your serve. That's it! I quit! This racket is a fart and you cheat! You're a cheating bitch!

Liz · Jenna:I just hope it's not a mistake. Well, maybe it is, but you have to listen to your heart. Yeah, but, why meddle with something that was great? Oh, Liz. It'll grow back. What? We're talking about my hair, right?

Drew · Liz:I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other day on the tennis court. That is not who I am. But you made me feel like a loser. 'Cause you lost.

Liz · Drew:No, it wasn't. That's not how you use that word... No, stop it. I want to use 'ironic' however I want.

Drew · Liz:Or as the French say... [long beat, Drew says nothing/speaks poorly] Yeah. I'll see you around.

Jack · Liz:Jack asks if Liz is frying bacon; she says it's her new running shoes

Liz:Liz explains her mail piling up and forgetting to buy toilet paper as why she hasn't RSVP'd

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Don't wear that thing with the belt.' Liz: 'What thing with the belt? Don't hang up! I have a lot of belted outfits!'

Dennis · Liz:Liz opens the door to Dennis: 'Hello, dummy.' Liz: 'No. Nope. Not interested. Have a good life.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis: 'It's important. It's about my mom.' [Liz relents] Dennis: 'That was a lie.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis: 'I recently discovered that I am a sex addict.' Liz: 'No, you're not.' Dennis: 'Yeah, I am.'

Liz:Liz: 'I have a Google News Alert for the phrase "Tracy Jordan ridiculous disaster".'

Pete · Liz:Pete: 'I think he has stuff all morning.' Liz: 'You think or you know?' Pete: 'Hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.'

Liz:Liz sees young Jack in the home movie: 'Oh, my God. Is that you? I like your little sweater vest.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'You threw up.' Jack: 'What? As a kid, you never got so excited, you vomited? No one does that. I mean, I've peed a little.'

Liz:Liz: 'I'm lizzing! I'm lizzing!' Then explains: '"Lizzing" is a combination of "laughing" and "whizzing."'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I've danced with Queen Noor. I've hunted the world's most dangerous game.' Liz: 'Man.' Jack: 'Manatee. I once shot a manatee.'

Jack · Liz · Jonathan:Jack: 'Be friends with Batman.' Liz: 'There's still a couple of hours.' Jack: 'Jonathan, could you get Adam West's agent on the phone, please?'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'Ugh. I was going to go for a run today!' Jack: 'Oh. [Laughs]'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Dennis and I were in a very emotional place because of Hurricane Katrina.' Liz: 'What those people were doing to the Superdome?'

Liz:Liz: 'You were trying to be an actress then, despite your neck.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'Let's go give him a piece of our mind.' Jenna: 'Let's stab him.' Liz: 'Yeah, your thing.'

Liz · Dennis:Liz: 'I want you to understand exactly how unimportant you are. You are not the love of my life. You are not capable of hurting me. And you could never do anything to damage this friendship.' Dennis: 'It was in your bed.'

Liz:Liz: 'Aw, guys, come on! I eat in there!'

Liz:Liz arrives late to the party: 'Jack, am I the first one here? Ugh. I waited! This always happens.'

Liz:Liz: 'We're not meeting in the middle!' [in response to Jack's Benjamin Button plan]

Liz · Tech:Liz: 'If I learned anything from watching 24, you're going to want to zoom in and enhance.' Tech: 'Why don't you ask Jimmy what's in there? It says "From Jimmy" on it.'

Liz · Writers:The commercial plays: Liz, as 'Bijou,' says 'Hi. I'm Bijou. Call me.' Writers react with: 'Bijou!' — then 'Call us. In English, German or Polish.'

Liz · Frank:Liz: 'I have since had Invisalign.' Frank: 'That is not attractive.'

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth yells 'Mr. Donaghy, help! Rule breaking!' when Liz tries to take a script.

Jack · Liz:Jack says 'you start bouncing off the walls, spend your days jabbering at doormen' — Liz fires back, 'Hey, I brighten their day.'

Liz · Frank:Frank's hat says 'constant cving.' — Liz: 'He could do better.'

Liz:Liz, talking to her building's doorman: 'My job is very stressful. But in the end, I get paid to make people laugh. We have a saying that laughter is the best medicine, so I'm kind of like a doctor here.'

Liz:'Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.'

Liz · Emily:Liz has been living in her building for four years and has never noticed the gym or the vending machines.

Liz · Emily:No, I'm Liz. I've lived here for four years.

Liz:Liz: 'Right now I should be standing in a toilet stall so nobody bothers me while I eat lunch. God, I miss it.'

Liz · Emily:Liz immediately identifies that Emily's candy drawer would need a 'decoy candy drawer to throw others off the trail.'

Liz · Wealthy Friend:Liz arrives at a wealthy friend's apartment in casual clothes, and the friend is 'dressed up' — for a weekday, at home. Liz: 'So this is normal? This is like your version of sweatpants and pop-tarts?' Friend: 'Not too shabs.' Liz: 'Short for shabby. Hilarious.'

Liz:Liz spends the entire speech about why she can't/shouldn't join the spa day... and then we cut to her fully participating — massages, Bergdorf, dermatologist tune-up, dinner.

Liz · Friend:'Those look great on you.' / 'Then I'm buying them.' — mid-self-pitying monologue, Liz is clearly shopping.

Liz · Friend:Liz: 'What time is it?' Friend: 'Almost midnight.' — Liz had promised one drink, it's now nearly midnight.

Liz:Liz gets home after midnight and realizes: 'I forgot to watch my show.'

Seminar Facilitator · Liz:The sensitivity training facilitator celebrates Liz's completion but says 'coming back to work isn't always easy' and launches into a vivid description of workplace misery.

Liz:That's soon.

Liz:That's soon.

Liz:Liz to the facilitator: 'Why don't you drop those Dockers and gimme a piece of that sweet ass?'

Jack · Liz:Jack on phone: 'Jeffrey Weener-slave said you put your fingers in his mouth. Did I? Or did he put his mouth on my fingers?'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I'm very busy right now faking Jenna's death to sell her movie.' Liz: 'I'm not going to engage on that. Mantra.'

Liz · Jack:Liz says she's on 'humanity leave.' Jack: 'Good god, what Indigo Girls song is that from?'

Liz:Liz: 'Syllabus of Us: Off-Vagabonds, Martyrs, and Quilts.'

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, you are not a rich divorcee.' Liz: 'I know. But I have some money saved — enough for two years. Maybe four if I give up cable. So I will be back to the show in four years.'

Liz:How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'There is no solace in their luxury. Only deep despair.' Liz: 'How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?'

Liz · Emily · Another Friend:All right, all right. What's the hump day schedule look like? / Oh, it's easy, Liz, it's Thursday. / I read somewhere it's Tuesday.