Liz Lemon

Liz:What, do you think there's two lines and we're in it and you're the only genius that got in the other line?

Liz:I'm buying all the hot dogs

Liz:Well, I just spent 150 bucks on wieners

Liz · Jack:Where's Gary? Gary's dead.

Liz · Jack:We own Kmart now? / No.

Liz:That is dead-on! What, are you gonna guess my weight now?

Liz · Jack:Okay, the black guy? / The black movie star.

Liz:Sometimes, when I have these stress dreams, if I go to sleep in the dream, I come out of it. This is not a dream.

Liz:Yeah, if I was president of the Philippines

Liz:I had, like, four hot dogs this morning.

Liz:I had, like, four hot dogs this morning

Tracy · Liz:That's a metaphor. / Sure.

Liz · Stripper:I don't have sex for a living. Neither do we. Neither do they. Yes, they do.

Liz · Tracy:He's got charisma. No, that's Charisma over there.

Liz:I wish you were here.

Jenna · Liz:From Chicago? / I was in Scottie Pippin's wedding.

Liz:I was in Scottie Pippin's wedding

Liz:No, you're not listening. You're not a good listener.

Liz:Are you peeing?

Jack · Liz:You weigh 127 pounds. / Yeah.

Jack · Liz:You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs? No. Good.

Liz:it's best to trlightly

Jenna · Liz:He's an imbecile. Well, he's our imbecile now.

Liz:I'm just surprised he's still got his shirt-- Oh, there it goes.

Liz:Frank Rossitano has every copy of Black Tail magazine ever published.

Liz:James Spurlock, but we call him Toofer, because with him you get a 'Two for One,' he's a black guy and a Harvard guy.

Jenna · Liz:He bit Dakota Fanning on the face! When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.

Liz:The Girlie Show is now T.G.S. with Tracy Jordan?

Tracy · Liz:Right, Jenna Mulvaney? Maroney. Rhymes with Baloney.

Liz:Frank also loves that video of the monkey smelling his own butt.

Liz · Jack:This is my office. Really? I see you bring a little feminine magic to everything you touch.

Liz · Tracy:And Toofer's just afraid of black people. Which one is Toofer? The black guy. Oh.

Liz:Son of a mother!

Liz:Nothing that plugs in, you guys! Nothing that could really hurt me!

Liz · Tracy:Grizz is driving the boat? Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

Liz:It's Spanish for, 'Remember Your Mother.' I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that scotch. Grizz was in the Navy!

Liz:Save a little money for the rest of us. You can't spend a lot of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for 25 seconds.

Liz:You're trying to bring logic to the robot-bear sketch?

Liz:Who did my sudoku puzzle? I have been looking forward to this puzzle all morning.

Liz:I never have a free moment, Jack. Never, ever.

Liz:How does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them?

Liz · Jack:Poker night? Who plays? Really, that's all you got out of that?

Liz:I bluffed. Yes, I am coming.

Liz:Oh, my God, isn't Jack friends with Tom DeLay? Am I going on a date with Tom DeLay?

Liz · Frank:No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? Like she was in a porn.

Liz · Gretchen:Why would Jack just assume that we're lesbians? I am a lesbian.

Liz · Gretchen:That's a pretty good joke for somebody from plastics. Well, I wasn't always in plastics. I used to work in water-process technologies, working mainly in primary metals. Oh, so you have a comedy background?

Jack · Liz:Your shoes. Well, I'm straight. Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Jack · Liz:Did you know his middle name is Ellen? No, that's weird. Kenneth Ellen.

Jack · Liz:She thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh. Really, she said that? Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Liz:Kenneth, it is diamonds.

Liz:It was a lady!

Liz:Ever since I turned 30, every time I get in or out of the bathtub, I think in my head, 'Careful, careful.'

Liz:We're just friends, like Oprah and Gayle. Why is that so hard for everybody to believe?

Jenna · Liz:The guy obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. Neil. The one who played Halo under the name Slut Banger. Dennis. The gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time. Conan.

Liz · Josh:What if I said to you, 'Go be with Frank now'? Ah, I would be honoured. Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.

Gretchen · Liz:So, unless you're ready to make a big life change, I need to move on, find my Stedman. I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor. Also, you're gay, so that's a little confusing. You should say, like, 'my lady Stedman.'

Liz · Gretchen:It's just, if I try to imagine us being together, I think, 'Yeah, OK, this could be fun.' You know, picking out furniture and making flowerbeds out of old railroad ties. But the thing is, if I'm gonna be with someone, it has to be a guy. You sound pretty sure about that. What can I say? I love a bald spot and a hairy back.

Liz:What if we say that in, like, 25 years, if neither of us has someone, we'll move in together and be roommates? And even though I am not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you do stuff to me.

Liz:That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

Liz:No, no, just go. Just go barefoot! Just leave you shoes.

Liz · Writers:Ahem! Oh, Mr. Donaghy!

Liz:And we all love the music of Chamillionaire

Liz:If you don't mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets, so could we just move on, please

Liz:You don't think his idea of starting with the catchphrases and working backwards is panning out? 'Nuts to you, McGullicuty.' 'Who ordered the wieners?' Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Liz · Pete:Which one of your kids is it that you're afraid of? Kyle. Kyle. So strong.

Liz:You can't be in here anymore!

Liz · Jonathan:But he sent you here to tell me to apologize. Exactly. I penciled you in for 3:00. This conversation never happened.

Liz:I always feel like I'm entering the Death Star. I expect to see Stormtroopers.

Liz · Jack:'Cause I was dancing with Frank? Oh, yes, yeah. I love Chamillionaire.

Liz:It's like that scene where you see the back of Darth Vader's head with his helmet off, and you're like, 'Oh! He's a human being!'

Liz:I gotta get some new DVDs.

Liz:And you, stop encouraging her. You're an enabler. You need to dress like you have a job. And parents who raised you in some kind of shamed-based American religious tradition.

Cerie · Liz:And you're a size four, right? Well, aren't you sweet?

Writers · Liz:What are you wearing?! You're making me gay. It's a joke, obviously. I'm wearing this as a joke!

Liz:We're driving male viewership, and we're effectively synergizing backward overflow.

Liz:I'm sorry. You're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?

Writers · Liz:Wow. This is diet Snapple? I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it? You should try Plum-A-Granate. It's amazing. I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Liz:Josh gets a lot of fan mail for Gaybraham Lincoln.

Liz:It says, 'Emergency exit only'. He couldn't read that?

Liz:We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile, our inner-city graduation rates are lower than they are in the Sudan.

Liz:That doesn't sound right. Maybe it was Sweden. Maybe it was teen pregnancy.

Liz:I gotta read more.

Liz:Yeah, so now you just have to make yourself ten years younger and Asian.

Liz:Can I read? Please don't get angry. It's not your fault. It's the system. Did you ever see Hoop Dreams? It's like that.

Liz:Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservative.

Liz:...correlate overseas earnings report dynamics?

Jack · Liz:I think I can do it. No. You should definitely do it. It'll be hilarious. Oh, well, that'd be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn't it?

Liz · Pete:To get out of coming to work. Oh, so first you thought he was illiterate, and now you think he's lazy? Jeez, you are racist.

Liz:No. Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Liz:Josh can do this, and earlier today, he ate a club sandwich with the toothpicks still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine.

Liz · Jenna:That guy's an extra on the show. No. He said he was Jack's boss. No. In the sketch. He doesn't even have a line.

Liz:Do you have any left?

Tracy · Liz:Where the hot lesbians at, Lemon? I knew it! You can read!

Tracy · Liz:That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that. No, Bill Cosby said that. That's racist.

Tracy · Liz:I once shot a whole movie without ever getting out of my car? Yeah, I paid to see that. That was supposed to be a western.

Tracy · Liz:When Gaybraham Lincoln gets hit in the crotch, can I go cross-eyed? Oh, yes, do that. That's hilarious!

Pete · Liz:Does she know we went off the air two minutes ago? No, she does not. Smart move.

Liz:Aw, you said 'Chinese' instead of something offensive.

Liz:Yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.

Liz:That was before. And it was the playoffs.

Liz:The old Beeper King retired... Well, technically he shot himself.

Liz:Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.

Liz:Oh...'Normal.' How dare they?

Liz · Dennis:Oh, my God, I hope it's his daughter. Yeah, me too. Oh, my God! Oh! God, I hope it's his mistress.

Jack · Liz:I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant. It's cod. It's, uh-- They made it special.

Liz:He fixed my toilet. He broke it first, but he fixed it.

Liz:I can't just go to Central Park and join the singles touch football league. Like I'd want to anyway. People in those posters, always laughing in their sweaters. Who are they foolin'?

Liz:Dennis is my boyfriend because he inquired. He was the only applicant, and I am not-- Doin' great.

Liz:Really? This water-- does someone boil it first, then throw it in your face?

Liz:No, younger even. You look like a fetus.

Liz · Jenna:I just mentioned Dennis, and your eyebrows didn't go up. They didn't? No. How about now? Unh-uh. Anything?

Dennis · Liz:If anyone sees a salamander, it's Liz's. No. I don't want a salamander!

Liz:Jenna looks like a porn star burn victim, and now this idiot.

Liz:Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Howard · Liz:I dressed poorly, had bad posture, walked around with lettuce in my hair. Oh, son of a bitch.

Liz · Phone conversation:Are we still talking about the sandwich place? No, sadly, I don't think we are.

Liz:Dennis isn't a sandwich I want to eat every day for the rest of my life.

Liz:because sadly, you may be the most stable person I know right now.

Liz:Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair.

Liz:Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

Liz:First of all, I'm not from Whiteville. I'm from White Haven, and it's not as nice as it sounds.

Liz · Jack:He knows about my marriage? No.

Dennis · Liz:There's no reason to live anymore. What happened? The Islanders lost tonight. Doesn't that happen a lot?

Liz · Jack:So how did it go? He moved in with me. Well, of course he did.

Liz · Dennis:Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? The water in here is softer.

Dennis · Liz:When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like Shannon or Rick. When we what?

Liz · Dennis:Oh, Dennis. I just did my hair. Oh, that's my girl.

Liz · Doctor:I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. I can't take it anymore. Hmm, 35, single, no children. Three sexual partners in the last ten years. I don't know, doll. Maybe it's time to settle.

Liz · Pete:I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger, and more confident, and I think you should consider it.

Jack · Liz:Because if I have a choice between an international movie star, and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite-- No, no, no. Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.

Liz:For that kind of money this stuffed chicken breast better paint my house.

Liz · Jack:That doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.

Jack · Liz:Cookie in the middle of the day? I gave blood. Does that burn calories?

Liz · Frank:Oh, that's not good. Frank, that was my blood cookie.

Liz:This is Dr. Leo Spa-che-men.

Liz · Jack:'The Rrr Jrr.' The what?

Liz · Jenna:You're prettier than Deborah Messing. Please don't quit. Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll stay.

Conan · Liz:You still going out with that guy from the pager store? Who, Dennis? Yeah. You still, um... How's your wife? Let's not do this, Elizabeth.

Tracy · Liz:No! Past Pete is here to kill Future Pete! It's going great.

Liz · Dennis:So what did you want to talk to me about, huh? Nothing. I forget. I just want to listen to you play Halo 'til I fall asleep.

Dennis · Liz:I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. So you made nine holes in my wall? No, those are for the shelves, dummy.

Dennis · Liz:They weren't muggers. They were cops. So why don't you just say he was running from some cops? I don't know, I mean, you're a racist for assuming that they weren't cops.

Liz · Dennis:Which is it: you love me or you got squatter's rights? I don't see why they're mutually exclusive!

Liz:I guess they were mostly food related.

Liz:That thing licked my eyes this morning.

Liz:Oh, you mean like at a discotheque?

Liz · Jack:Are you dating Condoleeza Rice? I'm not at liberty to say.

Liz:Yeah, and it must be hard for her to get cell phone reception when she's so far up the president's butt.

Liz:You and Jenna play Sleestaks from Land of the Lost and you're trying to get a small business loan. Because you want to open up a pancake house called Slee's Stacks.

Liz:Yeah, I think they're from the firm of Date-Rape, Coke-ington Cheeseball, and Jag.

Liz:Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Liz:You could put a long, blonde wig on a ferret and it would like Jessica Simpson.

Liz:I learned the truth at seventeen. That love was meant for beauty queens. And high school girls with clear skin smiles. Who married young and then retired.

Liz:Pro. Fixed TV.

Liz:Mark Foley's pajama party.

Liz:Jack likes Dennis.

Dennis · Liz:You can't break up with me. I already broke up with you! Fine! Then we agree to disagree!

Liz:I don't skateboard.

Liz:Tracy, stop tasering him.

Liz:Like having a career. And working. And...having a job. And working.

Liz:50's not that old, Cerie.

Liz:What if my junk goes bad?

Liz:'Cause you haven't mentioned it in like three hours.

Liz:Who's the cutest baby in the world?

Liz:Well, Anna calls her Isobel, but I call her Nancy.

Liz:For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Liz:You still don't know what the title is? No! No one does. It's gone on way too long to ask her about it.

Jenna · Liz:You mean John Grisham. Oh, no. Kevin, John's brother.

Jenna · Liz:It's called Urban Fervor. Boy, these titles-- They really make you think.

Liz · Jenna:You remember that neighborhood festival where they killed a goat in the street? Yes! But we did have really good luck that year.

Liz:Although, I guess it's no surprise that Tony Hawk can't play blind.

Pete · Liz:The Rural Juror. The Rrr-- Rural. The Ruh-- Rural. Eh.

Liz:You looked so beautiful. [awkward pause] The lighting was really neat.

Liz:Ethan and I both thought the programs were really easy to read.

Liz:Jenna plays a southern lawyer named Constance Justice.

Liz:The soundtrack was so moody.

Liz:[Flashback montage of Liz's fake compliments]

Liz:Well, that's not how I remember any of that.

Liz:It's only 90 minutes. It's kind of a train wreck.

Liz:What were they? Oaks?

Liz:[Liz accidentally hits someone in a costume] Oh, God, I'm sorry! I didn't know there was a person in there!

Liz:Pete, could you tell Jenna she smells like a stripper?

Liz:If it wasn't for me, you'd still be slutting it up for car dealership owners so they'd put you in their commercial.

Jenna · Liz:This slut slept with your brother! Mitch? Yeah, and let me tell you something about Mitch. He is disgusting in bed.

Liz:You know he's not right. He was in a really bad skiing accident!

Jack · Liz:She came at me with that angry little badger face of hers-- There it is right now.

Liz:5:30. That can't be right. My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.

Liz:It's like having Confederate money. No one's going to take that.

Liz:My friend Jenna and I didn't know your name, so we've been calling you the Hair.

Liz · Gray:I would be fine with that. Oh, good, because that's what I've been calling you.

Liz:So... you guys been watching Heroes? I like the Japanese dude.

Liz:I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.

Liz:And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try it.

Liz · Store clerk:See? It says right here: 'Legal tender for all debts public and private.' Does it say anything about $100 for a bottle of water?

Liz:Although I ate way too much oxygen.

Gray · Liz · Gray · Liz · Gray · Liz:Call in sick to work and go see a movie. A movie? A movie. With you. With me. Now. Right now.

Liz:I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen in kick-ass elevator lofts.

Liz:I don't download music without paying for it. And I never wear flip-flops. Ever. It's gross.

Liz:I do not sit on laps. Really? No, not a lap-sitter. Never have been.

Liz:Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly?

Gray · Liz:Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins. Okay, on the count of three, say what level of cousins we would have to be for this to be okay. One, two, three. Fifth. Unacceptable, no matter what.

Liz · Jack:Theatre tech. I see.

Liz:No. They're just really chapped.

Jenna · Liz:This is definitely a date. No. Is it?

Liz · Jenna:You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you? Just one. It's not the White House.

Liz:And surprisingly age-appropriate.

Liz:And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.

Liz:And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.

Liz:You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

Jack · Liz:Sexually... she wanted it four or five times a day, always standing up. Standing up. What? How does that even work?

Liz · Bianca:[Both screaming]

Liz · Jack:I'm 12 years younger than you. A woman your age, then.

Jack · Liz:I had "lunch" with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter, Alexis. Gross.

Liz:My whole staff has been blorching for three days

Liz · Jack:You taught your dog to poop in a box? Bianca did. But I want that box.

Liz:Are you angry or excited right now? I can't tell.

Liz · Frank:Because it's Valentine's Day, and you know I don't... Oh, no. It's what? It's Valentine's Day. Again?

Liz · Frank:Well, who cares, you know? It's just Valentine's Day. It's also her birthday.

Liz:But thank you for saying that you would marry me.

Liz:No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess. Well, that is just... Oh. Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually. They're from your mom. Yeah. So tell your gay mom I said thanks.

Liz:No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess.

Liz · Jack:Marry, boff, kill... Bianca. Which do you want to do? All of them.

Liz:Was Courtney Love not available?

Liz:You might want to rephrase that.

Liz:She always sounds so terrified. She's always, like, The President has a plan for Iran, and we are currently adhering to that plan.

Liz:I didn't like it two weeks ago when it was called America's Next Top Hobo, and I didn't like it a month ago, when it was called Hobo Eye for the Straight Guy.

Liz:Hey, Lutz, why don't you approach your job with the same creativity and excitement you have for all-you-can-eat buffets?

Liz:They're very good at sensing debilitating loneliness in a person.

Liz:I'm allergic to anything warm and adorable.

Liz:Runt! What? This kitten, he's such a runt! I'm gonna name you Runty. You're such a little raging little runt!

Liz:The one the rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album.

Liz:There is no male equivalent to this word.

Liz:Don't tell me to calm down you fungdark.

Liz:It doesn't work.

Liz:Oh, my God, I am. I'm a total... Runt! I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt?

Liz:No, it's two dozen cupcakes with melted mini-candy bars in the middle.

Liz:I'm a nice person you bald, gangly...

Liz:Before you answer, superballs!

Liz:If I thought I left my coffeemaker on, I wouldn't be able to focus either. No, no, I get it. Everyone should see Mama Mia before it closes.

Liz:Staying up all night re-writing The Amazing Hobo. You fat nerd.

Jack · Liz:This is the men's room. Oh!

Liz:Because I'm not just feminine, I also can project my power.

Liz:What is aux?

Liz:And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again. Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman!

Liz:Well, you look happy. Somebody just have a root beer float?

Liz:Right, I think you mean mano a toddler.

Liz · Jack:That's not how you play marbles, Jack. / But that's how you keep them.

Liz:You could say that you support the troops, but you feel that the war was poorly planned and started under false pretenses. And that we should have used those resources to hunt down Osama Bin Laden.

Jenna · Liz:Obama, what is he, Hispanic? / No, he's black. / And he's running for President? / Good luck.

Liz:He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother's wedding.

Liz:Josh? You stupid turd.

Liz:You were opening for a puppet when I found you.

Liz · Josh:what kind of moron calls out sick and then comes to work to have a meeting? / I get an NBC discount here.

Liz · Jack:Do the worm! / Good Lord, the worm! That's so degrading. Are its origins German?

Liz:Okay, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning. When they're not spinning, they look exactly like... Swastikas.

Liz · Unknown:Good show, Liz Lemon! You coming to the after-after party. We have after-after parties?

Liz:When I was eight, I had my name on the score board at a Phillies game. And they spelled it 'Lez' but it was pretty cool.

Jack · Liz:A black? That is offensive. No, no-- That's his last name. Steven Black.

Liz:You know, when I leave work at night, I am just riding on a subway car full of scary, teenaged people.

Liz:Why am I the only person that doesn't care that he's black?

Liz:What do you sit and look at?

Liz:I love black men! I love you!

Liz:No, no-- not that kind of chocolate.

Liz:Maybe if I just hang out with him four or five more teams, he'll see on his own that we are a bad match.

Liz:I truly don't like you as a person.

Liz · Tracy:What would Oprah do? Would she run away from her community, or would she face her problems head-on and try to make a difference at the Source Awards. What would I doooo!

Liz · Steven:He's channeling Oprah. Why? Because he's articulate?

Jack · Liz:You shot a Black! No no no no no-- It's cool; that's his last name.

Liz:Oh, anything that doesn't have the word 'strip,' 'salsa,' or 'beatz' with a Z in the name of it.

Liz:I finally just threw them out this morning 'cause they got that really bad flower smell. I kind of couldn't stop smelling them.

Liz:You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me that backfired.

Liz:How good, like Judaism good, or just like Unitarian?

Liz:Mm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Writer · Liz:Banana walnut, your favorite. Uh, that's not correct, but okay.

Liz:No, it's... it's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.

Liz:I know who I can fire!

Liz:Ugh, you can just tell she is by her stupid face!

Liz:Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours? Blammo.

Liz:For the first time ever, things are lining up for old Liz Lemon.

Liz · Other Liz:What would you say are your weaknesses? Some people say I'm too nice.

Liz:You're fired! I'm the decider!

Liz:You're fired! You're all fired! Clean out your desks! Fired!

Liz:Eddie just said to write the initials on the check. C... A... S... H.

Liz:I want you...to punch your sister in the face.

Liz:It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.

Liz · Unknown:What's the special occasion? / I decided to eat one.

Liz · Pete:Church on a Tuesday? But he seemed so normal.

Liz · Pete:You saw me leave the apartment this morning. / I saw you put it on and I thought it looked nice.

Liz · Pete:How long are you staying with me? / Indefinitely.

Liz:Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a talking like this contest.

Liz · Jack:Those weren't jokes. That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency. / Well, it got big laughs.

Liz:Fine. But I will be reporting this to the Fox Problem Solvers.

Liz:One day at a time, Pete. I'm gonna take it one day at a time.

Liz:Well, I only have Star Wars and Tootsie, so we just keeping watching those two over and over.

Liz:Right, but isn't that one of those rules like, 'don't walk between the subway cars,' and all the cool people just do it anyway?

Liz:I know it makes me seem just nut-log Ann Heche crazy

Liz:I have had three donuts so far today. A couple months of ago I went on a date with my cousin.

Liz:Uh, once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet, and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp.

Liz:I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat.

Liz:I have had five donuts today.

Floyd · Liz:Except mine's the one from Caddyshack. Well, that makes sense 'cause he's a very good dancer.

Liz:Wait, fireworks? In Midtown? On a day that is not the Fourth of July? Oh, my God.

Frank · Liz:Your face... it's like you're happy or something.

Liz · Jack:His name is Floyd. That's unfortunate.

Floyd · Liz:'Jack Attack: The Art of Aggression in Business.' Oh, no.

Liz:He got here before us. You're not supposed to let that happen. That's chapter two in the book.

Liz:Freddie is playing the part of Thomas Jefferson's horse, Caractacus.

Liz:They look just like the one crapping in my office.

Liz:It's kind of like you two are dating.

Liz · Floyd:Unh. It's got pockets. Are you into that? Ooh, what's this? A used Kleenex.

Liz:The call is coming from inside the house.

Liz:Look at your life, Jack. It's... It's like this skybox. It's fancy and it's empty and it smells like crab cakes.

Liz:Well, I don't think Phoebe would appreciate being referred to as a Floydster.

Liz:You could get that third humidifier you always dreamed about.

Liz:No, I like Elmer Fudd. Kill da wabbit

Liz:Just a...whirl of wind.

Liz:I would have a three-way with two Jacks.

Liz:If I was gonna spend $600 to have my boobs pinched, I would have gone to that fundraiser at the Clintons' house.

Liz:That is also a place.

Liz:He spit in my mouth!

Phoebe · Liz:What happened to your accent? Um... I don't know what you're on about. You...daft wanker.

Liz:I don't shake hands. I have avian bone syndrome. Hollow bones.

Liz:Blurg.

Liz:My boyfriend is moving to Cleveland, but I'm gonna go visit him over vacation. And my boss is super mad at me because I know that he fell asleep on top of his fiancée.

Liz:And it's the season finale of my show this week, and the star is missing and may have been abducted by a cabal of powerful black celebrities.

Josh · Liz:Can I play Barack Obama? No. It's bad enough we have Tracy playing Barack Obama.

Liz:You are a sassy old broad, aren't you?

Floyd · Liz:Um... it's actually in the mid-40s. Oh, really? 'Cause it's low 40s here.

Liz:I want two lobsters... totaling five pounds of lobster meat.

Liz:Careful... my bones.

Liz:Ugh! Is that how far apart my eyes are? I look like Admiral Ackbar.

Doctor · Liz:Also, I suspect he may have scurvy because he keeps asking for lemon. Ah. No. That's me.

Liz · Jack:I'm gonna pull the plug now. Whoa, whoa. Just let me do it.

Liz:I started a quilt. I did yoga twice a week. I wore flip-flops in public.

Tracy · Liz:So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes. I don't think I did know that, no.

Kenneth · Liz:So he's, like, my office wife? Sure. Let's go with that.

Jenna · Liz:Liz, I had to eat four slices of pizza on stage, each performance... jenna, that's 32 pieces of pizza a week! No, that can't be right.

Liz · Writers:Floyd the black guy. okay, you don't care. i don't care either... so great

Liz · Cerie:This veil costs more than my couch. Is that comedy, or do you really have a $300 couch? Both.

Liz:This is my husnd, saul rosenbear, and this is his son richard from a previous marriage. And then he cheated on me with a lamb.

Liz · Jerry:Still talking? oh, no, no, no, no. I haven't talked to him since--whew! August...9th? 4:17 P.M.? It's not over.

Liz · Woman · Tracy:I am conducting a survey for the ranford group. And, uh...how old are you? And your weight? And when was the last time you had intercourse? Who is this? Who are you? I'm your worst nightmare, is who I is!

Liz:I'm gonna get the wedding dress, and then I'm gonna have a baby, and then I'm gonna die, and then I'm gonna meet a super-cute guy in heaven.

Liz:I just bought a dress. Because, you know, I don't need society's permission to buy a white dress. In korea, they wear white to funerals.

Liz:That, if need be, I will marry myself.

Liz:Yeah, chocolate rain, maybe I am.

Liz · Jerry:What is the deal with my life? Are you imitating me? No! This is what i sound like when I cry!

Jerry · Liz:I think I'm a little insulted! You're insulted?!

Liz · Jack:I look pretty, though, right? Don't push it, lemon.

Liz · Jack:You want to watch me eat this steak in front of you? That's what I want.

Liz:Uh, no. I subscribe to Giant Boats.

Liz · Jack:By talking about sex in a sailing magazine? That's exactly how Margaret Thatcher did it.

Jack · Liz:You ate that whole thing? A dog took it. He came out of nowhere.

Liz:I'm not making excuses, Jack. But this is taken care of-- ow! Oh, it hurts! I missed a dentist appointment this morning.

Liz:At least I don't live with my mom--ow.

Liz:And who's wearing a one-piece swimsuit instead of underwear. I have to do laundry.

Jack · Liz:You mind if I watch you eat that? Okay.

Liz:You always ruin everything

Liz:An eagle with the head of a bear

Liz:You hired someone to investigate yourself? That's weird

Liz:Wait a minute. That's a fake phone

Liz:Bling, bling! That is ghetto fabulous

Liz:Can't plus size women wear regular perfume?

Liz:He went to the vet. His cobra got sick

Angie · Liz:He's an entrepreneur. What's the character's name? Slick-back Lamar

Liz:Women with low self-esteem take refuge in either food or sex. Not me, of course

Liz:Also, your nails look tacky

Liz:Also, your nails look tacky.

Liz · Jack:Wait, how could Liz win a fellowship award? She doesn't like people. No, followship.

Liz:I'm not a follower. It also comes with ten grand. I accept this proudly on behalf of followers everywhere.

Jack · Liz:So what are you gonna do with your money, put it into a 401K? Yeah, I gotta get one of those. What?

Jack · Liz:Where do you invest your money, Liz? I have, like, 12 grand in checking. Are you an immigrant?

Liz:Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?

Rosemary · Liz:Pardon me! Pardon you? You were already pardoned! It's funny 'cause it's true.

Liz:When I mean my friends, I mean my Fisher Price... My friend dolls. Because I didn't have a lot of friends.

Liz:Oh, boy. Am I still talking? You're gonna kill me, aren't you?

Liz:And by heroine, I mean lady hero. I don't wanna inject you and listen to jazz.

Rosemary · Liz:Does everyone still do blow in Joe Garagiola's office? Which one is blow again? Is that cocaine?

Rosemary · Liz:I have an idea. We open on a new Orleans abortion clinic. A beautiful mulatto... Uh, I don't think we're allowed to use any of those words.

Rosemary · Liz:Don't you get it? The mailbox was haldeman. Is that a person who lived?

Liz · Frank:Frank, what do you have this week? Uh, Barry the humping dog is shopping for a ge washer and dryer.

Jack · Liz:What's a triangle graph? I don't know! It sounded real.

Liz · Rosemary:Is that guy carrying a gun? Yeah, but don't worry. He's not a cop.

Rosemary · Liz:You obsess about the Jamaican man across the hall. Oh, my god. I lost my job.

Liz:Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Liz:Hey, what about cat penises?

Liz · Unknown:Pete's having an affair... The sexy justin timberlake hat.

Liz:The only reason men start taking care of themselves is if they're getting someone to have sex with them. If it wasn't for that, they'd just sit at home in their own filth.

Pete · Liz:Hey, Liz. We're out of string cheese, so I think I'm gonna take off.

Jack · Liz:To save the earth? So we can drain the remainder of its resources.

Liz · Jack:Greenzo? Is that the first name that came to your head? Can you believe it? I mean, it just popped right there.

Liz:I'm always the only person who shows up.

Tracy · Liz:Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party. That's not a real person. You made that up.

Liz:Wow, if you licked the envelope, you could clone him, and then you'd have two Geisses.

Liz:Your beautiful wife Paula. And your sons, Robert and Jack. And that creepy little one who's always rubbing himself against the carpet.

Liz:Oh, great, now I smell like midlife crisis!

Liz:You jag! I just got this, like, eight years ago.

Liz:You're cheating with your wife?

Paula · Liz:Why is there a pop-tart in the bed? What do you do with the pop-tart?

Liz:You dummy, first of all, you didn't dial that cell phone. Second of all, that is your own rumor.

Liz:Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

Liz · Jack:Is he gonna be the new Greenzo? Uh, not exactly. I may have gotten him here under false pretenses.

Liz:Oh, boy, okay. This earth is ruined! We gotta get a new one.

Tracy · Liz:Wait, you smell maple syrup too? You live all the way in jersey. That's weird.

Jack · Liz:Don't panic, lemon. It's probably not a chemical attack. What do you mean 'probably'?

Jack · Liz:I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and John Bauer. Um, I don't think he's real. Oh, I assure you, lemon, John McCain is very real.

Liz:Don't get peer pressured into invading Iran.

Liz · Raheem:I'm... liz. What's your name? Raheem. Raheem. That's-- that's my mother's name. No, it-- no, I'm just kidding.

Liz:He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand. And I think it's because I'm a woman. And get this--he's got maps all over his walls.

Liz:That's different, that's-- that's an antique. And I'm a white lady.

Liz:Remember, I asked that black guy if he had seen Sideways?

Liz:I don't want to sound racist, but that pita pocket might be a terrorist. That sound racist?

Liz:What the what?

Liz:Northrax. Hey! I made waffles. Thank god.

Liz · Creed:Does that mean the animals strip or the animals are the customers? / Animal customers? That's ridiculous.

Jack · Liz:Then you won't mind when I tell you that Casey gets voted off tonight. / You monster! Why are you like this?

Liz:Give it up, Jenna. You're talking to an ultrasound.

Liz:Speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley, huh? That guy's great. Have you been to his official website?

Liz · Jamie · Liz:I'm 37! / I'm 20. / This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.

Jamie · Liz:Are those friends of yours? / Oh, when will death come?

Liz:Boy, the art in here is hung really level.

Liz:I went up on my roof the other day.

Liz:His name is Jamie, and you know what? I don't spend a lot of time worrying about his feelings.

Jamie · Liz · Jamie:All right, Mom. I'm taking off! / Mom? / Yeah, I'm 20. I can't afford this place.

Liz:Yep, that's what we look like. Shut it down.

Jack · Liz:A younger companion makes you feel more alive. Opens you up to new experiences, fresh points of view, stimulating conversation. / Stop repeating what I say.

Jack · Liz:What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need. / That's gross, Jack.

Jack · Liz:What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need. / That's gross, Jack.

Liz:My muffin top is all that? Whole grain, low fat? I know you want a piece of that? But I just want to dance?

Liz:I gave up caffeine, so I've been going to bed at 5:30.

Liz:'It' being business. Of course. I call the movie 'Risky Business' 'Risky It.' Because 'it' means business.

Liz:Oh, that word bums me out unless it's between the words 'meat' and 'pizza.'

Liz:Oh, come on! I don't have that. Very hairy.

Liz:Oh, no. I talked to him last time when he wanted to change his name to 'Wise Greasy Bastard.'

Liz:Oh, monsters, why did I create you?

Liz:Pacific Rim Emmys.

Liz:Props has an old basketball trophy we could solder some wings onto.

Liz:But I did hear the janitor saying your boobs looked good.

Liz:I ate a 3 Musketeers bar for breakfast this morning, and this bra is held together with tape.

Liz:Oh, God, it was my birthday yesterday.

Liz:She told an NBC tour that she was going to get them all pregnant.

Liz:Your online fan club? That's me. I made Frank set that up as a punishment after he farted in my chair.

Liz:And this award you just got? It's a cookie.

Liz:I lie awake at night wondering what fresh hell tomorrow will bring.

Liz · Jack:Oh, won't people just end up shredding their photos? / If you want to photo-scan, you flip the switch to 'PS.' And if you want to paper-shred, you flip the switch to... Oh.

Liz:And we're gonna go to that restaurant where they pretend it's Mars!

Liz:No, I remember them arguing a lot during the gas crisis of '79. But since Carter left office, it's been pretty smooth sailing.

Liz:No, I invited her out of my paralyzing Irish guilt, but her plane was grounded because of Hurricane Zapato.

Liz:Ha! Look at that. That's where she lives. Jupiter. The eye of the storm.

Colleen · Jack · Liz:Is she Spanish? / What if she was, Mother? / She's very smart, Colleen. You'd like her. / My thanks to the peanut gallery.

Liz:Mitch was in a skiing accident his senior year of high school, and he has what's called trauma-induced niveaphasia. Basically he's just stuck in the day before his accident.

Mitch · Liz:Oh, tomorrow's the big day! It's gonna be totally rad! / Yeah, Mitch! Rad!

Liz · Jenna:He thinks it's 1985. So if you meet him, just be cool. It should be mentioned that, sexually, Mitch is very much an adult. / No, it should not be mentioned.

Mitch · Liz:Lemon party! Permission to land? / Permission granted!

Mitch · Liz:Psych! You can't go! It's the senior class trip! / Aw! Psych! You got me, Mitch!

Mitch · Liz:Hey, Liz, guess who's going skiing with me. Chris Stanek... your boyfriend! Whoo! Oh, what? Shut up! I don't like him! Boys are gross!

Liz · Jack:No, he was in a skiing accident, and he thinks it's 1985. / No, I get it. I'm talking about your parents.

Liz:Even when I sued the Lower White Haven School District to let girls play football.

Liz:We didn't make the playoffs that year, but I think we led the league in bravery.

Liz · Dick:I'm the lady from 'Flashdance'! / That's a good 'Flashdance,' honey. Good 'Flashdance.'

Liz:Although I did kind of change everything forever.

Margaret · Liz · Mitch:Are you taking a stand now by not giving us grandchildren? / Oh, you want grandchildren, Margaret? Why don't you ever bother Mitch about that? / Because he's 17! / He's 40!

Liz:also I have a star that my aunt named after me, although that was recently downgraded to a gas giant

Liz:So many different types of sparrows!

Liz · Jenna:I have thing that night. I have a thing that night.

Liz:An oasis from the vile obscenity of the human condition.

Liz:Your last name is weird.

Liz:And I don't know why I lied to you guys about having read that book. I'm just nervous. Anyway, I didn't read 'The Lovely Bones.'

Liz:We're all white.

Liz:Just ask anyone in my building. Except Raheem. I turned him in to homeland security. By accident.

Liz:The germans are here! I am going through something right now!

Liz:I bought a German television studio today.

Liz:I bought a black apartment.

Liz:If you blow out the kitchen wall, you can make a very nice breakfast nook.

Liz:uh,buh duh jee jee je...

Liz:This is bad. Like,lose you job bad.

Liz · Pete:That's pretty grim,pete.

Jack · Liz:The critics said that same thing about shakespeare. Yeah,but shakespeare never had a confessional shower sponsored by dove pro-age.

Liz · unknown_writer:I think he forgot that you're a person. Yeah!

Liz:Oh,really mature,guys!

Liz:That class 'a' moron? Unfortunately.

Liz:That guy can eat my poo.

Liz:I didn't know it was hot in assholevania.

Liz:You apple-faced goon!

Liz:When I was born, I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot. They think maybe i ate my twin.

Liz:When I was born, I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot. They think maybe i ate my twin.

Liz:that attached to a headgear.

Liz:I'm sure the person who said it probably didn't mean it.

Liz:I--I didn't mean any of it. I'm sorry I said you could eat my poo.

Liz:No onion rings? Ugh,this place can eat my poo!

Liz:What's the Committee to Reinvade Vietnam?

Liz:Also I'm saving that money for new humidifiers. The same model that's keeping Larry King alive.

Liz:Food network doesn't have a news show.

Liz:400% of my sodium? I should not be eating these.

Liz:I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood.

Liz:because this Indian guy that he was working for...

Jenna · Liz:Warming your jeans in the morning? / That's right, and it feels good.

Liz:That was never your problem.

Liz:That was never your problem.

Liz:It's still daytime. And we're inside.

Liz:If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Liz:You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound!

Liz:I was gonna live with the gorillas.

Liz:For devoting their lives to the jungle and its noble inhabitants.

Liz:so take that,liz.

Liz:To get through it, I pretended he was a sandwich.

Liz:Realistically,teaching improv on cruise ships.

Liz:Executives are,like, huh-huh-huh. And I'm,like, haa.

Liz:Suck it,monkeys! I'm goin' corporate!

Liz · Jack:Jeez,jack,offer to buy a girl dinner first. classic lemon!

Liz:He's like me yesterday. I hate him.

Liz:Because I don't think i can return this 'cause I got business sick all over it when I got home.

Liz · Pete:Oh, God. Marcus Schenkenberg was there. Who?

Pete · Liz:You were using your treadmill? Yes, and, yes, Pete, I use it every day.

Pete · Liz:JetFun. Is that the one with the footbaths? Oh, no, that's AirBike. They also have in-flight pornos and NBC news. JetFun's the one that hands out fresh popcorn.

Liz:some Rust Belt tramp answered the phone

Liz:I want to be top dog for once instead of just... dog.

Liz · Pete:For once, I am not gonna be Jan Brady. I'm gonna be Marcia, damn it. Oh, my nose! My bad!

Liz:I got a company-wide e-mail from the new CEO that was just a link to cats wearing bow ties.

Liz · Frank:Where's my mac and cheese?! But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

Liz:I'm pretty tired from playing as hard as I work.

Floyd · Liz:You know, maybe we hit that barbecue place you puked at. You'll have to be more specific.

Liz:Oh, somebody get me out of this dress! I can't breathe!

Liz · Tracy · Frank · Lutz:Where's my sandwich?! Lutz made us do it! No, it was Frank. No, it was you! I'm a patsy?

Kenneth · Liz:the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

Liz:I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich, or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. You'll all have chins!

Liz:I haven't stayed up this late since college. And behind this trapdoor, more Orcs.

Liz · Floyd:I read that you guys are getting an lkea. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. We've just been burned before.

Liz:Now turn and look back at me. Attaboy. Eat it up, Cleveland.

Liz:The poor guy got Lemoned... hard.

Liz · Jenna:No, Jenna, I did not come back from the bathroom and hand him my underwear. That's how I met that mobster.

Liz:A Chinese character that she thinks means 'peace,' but it really means 'I have chlamydia'?

Liz:Peter Venkman... That's from 'Ghostbusters'! You used 'Ghostbusters' for evil!

Liz · Floyd:Well, I hope your car blows up. I'll move to Cleveland when you get that lkea. Never!

TSA Agent · Liz:That's sort of a cliché. You're sort of a cliché.

Liz:I can have it all!

Liz · Floyd:I don't want your car to explode and I don't want you to go into a coma and I don't want to stab you in the face with a giant fork. What? Oh, that's not you. I've been threatening a lot of people lately.

Liz:And I wolfed my Teamster sub for you. Wait, no. Is that a saying?

Liz · Jack:What are you in charge of exactly? We're sharing the load. It's a bit of Homeland Security... We still have that?

Jack · Liz:...extreme weather preparedness, and the War on the Poor. You mean the War on Poverty. Yeah, okay, let's go with that.

Liz:Hey, don't knock my Sabor de Soledad. I found a prize in here the other day... I hope.

Liz:Well, I don't know. Are the lightning bolts supposed to be going in or out?

Liz:Why don't I cross off the days like people in the movies?

Liz:But I have been sexually active since I was 25.

Liz:Mother!

Liz:like Erin Brockovich or Sarah Connor.

Liz:Apparently, Sabor de Soledad gets its special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.

Liz:The Duffy men use those like ATMs.

Liz · Jack:Hello, pussycat. Oh, really? A lot of ladies get right in the car after that line, you creepy piece of... Jack!

Liz:Devin is the worst. It's like he doesn't even care when we should have cake for people whose birthdays are on the weekend. The Friday before. At lunch.

Liz:I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica. That man can wear a sweater.

Tracy · Liz · Kenneth:My video game is selling through the rizznoof! Well, how far through the 'rizznoof'? Whoa, that's not slang. He has a speech impediment.

Jack · Liz:With a little hard work, I'll be back to V.P. status before I'm 60. And if my home evaluation goes well I will be a mother by 50. We really can have it all.

Bev · Liz:How often do you entertain gentlemen sex guests? Oh, boy, that's uh... Once a year maybe? But I'd be open to cutting that down.

Liz:I was arrested once in Germany for public nudity. I thought it was a topless beach. It was a shipyard.

Liz:Could be. Or it could be my annual sex guest.

Liz:Please, just be normal sauce for one day.

Liz · Jack:I thought you said nine years? I was promoted again this morning. I'm now Director of Mail Systems.

Liz · Bev:Is it so wrong that I just want to have one of these to grow up and resent me? Oh, you will.

Liz · Fred · Bev:Hey, Rick. I'm Fred. Rick is the other black guy. Happens to everyone, right, Bev? Yeah, happens all the time to my black husband.

Jenna · Liz:Then who were those kids you were yelling at the other day? Those were some child actors who had lied about being able to breakdance.

Liz · Kenneth:Do you know what imperative means? Tell me, tell me! Important. It means important.

Jack · Liz:Thank God I don't have your biological need for children. That would make success impossible. Thanks.

Liz:No way, the best part of soap operas is when someone's twin interrupts a wedding. Or somebody pulls a gun at the fitness center.

Liz · Fred:Rick, what are you doing? Bitch, my name is Fred.

Liz · Bev:'Unsatisfactory'? Are you okay, Bev? You had quite a fall there. Ah, I'm Bev. I'm here to do Liz's adoption evaluation.

Liz:I get a do-over. No, we have to take her to a hospital. 20 minutes. Just give me 20 minutes.

Jack · Liz:I'm gonna give Kathy the full soap opera while you try to trick a lady with a head injury. We might not be the best people. But we're not the worst? Graduate students are the worst.

Liz:I thought you were at the fitness center with your twin?

Liz:No, I just like seeing you in there.

Liz · Unknown:What? That's ridiculous. Why would I steal a file from personnel? What? No. Claire is in the lobby.

Liz:She's like a human macarena-- something everyone did at parties in 1996.

Liz · Unknown:Me-ow! You're right. That was harsh. No, no, Mi Au-- she owns the largest alternative energy company in asia.

Liz:'Crazyputty'? No. Yeah.

Liz:I volunteer at a thing with kids and old people.

Liz:Didn't matter if it was Scottie Pippin or the drummer for the Bodeans or someone else's boyfriend who ran a small but prestigious clowning academy.

Liz:Did she do sexy birthday or mannequin who comes to life?

Liz:And he was not that clown. He was the head clowning instructor.

Liz:Password? What?

Liz · Bystander:Crazyputty! Hey, g-guy in the really cool, cool hat has a gun.

Liz:I mean, the hookers are not funny. There's a lot more sickly homeless people and terrified college students.

Liz:Well, I don't know how to decline a call.

Liz:That's a good look for you. A little, uh, Lewis Carroll hair.

Liz:I'm in connecticut, i haven't eaten, and i'm stressed about an "away toilet" situation.

Liz:Is this potpourri or chips? 'Cause i'm gonna try to eat it.

Liz:These are not chips.

Liz:Funny story,i was only wearing that because the fire alarm went off while i was getting a haircut.

Liz:Listen,i only took that napkin because i wrapped some chicken in it.

Liz · Gavin:Well... This must be what the kids call "a booty call." I haven't been out of the house since 2004, and even i know the kids don't call it that anymore.

Liz:What the what?

Liz:I just wish i could start a relationship about 12 years in, When you really don't have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on tv shows, And then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.

Liz:sometimes, to feel like i have company during dinner, I dispute credit card charges on speaker phone.

Gavin · Liz:We can never leave the house, and we'd just probably sit around all weekend and watch tv. Go on.

Gavin · Liz:we could never be physically intimate. I know. What woman would want all that?

Liz · Jack:What is racketeering? No one knows,lemon.

Liz:I thought i was helping him when i let him hold my boob while we watched top chef.

Tracy · Liz:Also everything worked out with jenna's dad visiting. What? Oh,you weren't really around for any of that.

Assistant · Liz:your credit card called. They wanna make sure you're the one Buying cream soda in bulk.

Assistant · Liz:And your landlord called. And he said it is not the toilet, it's you.

Liz:That's his opinion.

Liz:Jack, it's a suburb of philadelphia.

Liz:They have popcorn on the plane. I want to go to there.

Liz:First william f. Buckley dies, now this. Next stop impotence, right?

Liz:This place is bigger than my apartment.

Liz:But cocoon, and then flap, flap, flap--Butterfly.

Liz:I don't know, kelsey. How's your mom's pill addiction?

Liz:This is mostly spit.

Liz:I'm so mad, all i can do is dance.

Liz:Look, let's all do the diane.

Liz:Just to be clear, we're not making out. That would be social suicide.

Liz:At least i'm not 50, alone, And sitting on 2,000 business cards For a job i'm never gonna get.

Liz:You went to a printer, didn't you? You picked out a font. You paid extra for a rush order. It was your happy, little secret.

Liz:I want to go to there.

Liz:You know what, suck it, you whittling ihop monkeys!

Liz:'Hey, Max! Is this your baby sister? What a cute, little girl!'

Liz:'Or boy, if you grow up and feel that's what's inside you'

Liz:'It isn't stealing if it fell on the ground'

Liz:'Don't help me! I'm too proud'

Liz:'I had to do something to get your attention'

Liz:'It must be like working in the Galactic Senate in Star Wars'

Liz:'Only insofar as we met because I touched his head thinking he was a child'

Liz:'Like order a tall coffee or talk about my Nintendo Wii'

Jenna · Liz:'Take a lesson from Janis and show some self-control. How far into that biography are you? Not very. Why? What happens?'

Liz:'Yeah, you know me. Spend my lunch hour walking up and down Sixth Avenue... looking for a hot meal'

Liz:'Instead of, uh... any of it... she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes'

Liz:'Socially inept and baby crazy. I feel like I'm in a beer commercial'

Liz:'The test results were negative. Oh, I see your confusion! That is funny!'

Liz:'Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought he was someone else!'

Liz:after the French custom, people wear dark socks to the beach

Liz:being worn by Dame Judi Dench's mother

Liz · Sully:Sully! Brett Favre, right?

Liz:My grandfather dug out the White Haven quarry, and my other grandfather filled it back in with the sludge from the eraser factory.

Liz:I saw the trailer when I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Liz:I am so happy, the number four, the letter 'U'.

Liz:Stay away, sick ones!

Liz:Yeah, I get it. You went shopping. I don't need the montage.

Liz:This one has beach socks and ice cream and sandwich turtles!

Liz:A Filipino gentleman. His name is Banyani. I want to take him as my island lover!

Liz:It kind of peters out after that. I just suck pie off my sweatshirt for the next half hour.

Liz:The audience suggestion is... Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.

Liz:Jenna is not a great improviser.

Liz:You've got camp jitters.

Liz:your little business camp friends

Liz:don't make me be your camp friend

Liz:Where you are allowed to eat in the sauna because at some places, they get mad.

Liz:Stop sweating, you idiot. What is wrong with you, you stupid bitch?

Liz:They're dudes?

Liz:Now, that just seems intentionally confusing.

Liz:Uh-doy-ee!

Liz:Suck it, nerds!

Liz:Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis. Robot penis.

Liz:Aw, you have a sitting area? You jag!

Liz:I can go back to the lake with the fat kids and make bracelets.

Liz:'Oh, sorry, Liz. My parents' basement only has room for five sleeping bags'

Liz · Prashant:We should start calling ourselves 'The Three Musketeers.' Not.

Liz:I just fooled y'all with my Jack Donaghy impression where I say crazy things that he would never say.

Liz:I believe I heard 'Sling Blade.' Mmm, I love them French-fried 'pataters.'

Liz:Uh-doy-ee.

Liz:Aren't they a little old, and over-dressed?

Liz:You should go there. They'd love you.

Liz:Women should not deliver the mail.

Liz:He's a pediatrician, so you know he likes kids. Or feet. No, kids.

Liz:And he has a golf magazine, so you know he's not gay or poor.

Liz:He has an ice cream maker? Come on!

Liz:Don't be weird-looking.

Liz:I want to go to there.

Liz:Told him his haircut was exactly what I've been trying to describe to my barber. Smooth, I know. I'm way out of my league here.

Liz:He gets all of the movie channels, including Starz.

Liz:And... he trains seeing eye dogs at home.

Liz:What? Come on, you're a nurse? Some of us are hot.

Liz:Boy, that guy looks a lot like you!

Liz:He just blew up that kid!

Liz:Opened her mail? That is just shocking. He's a monster.

Liz:Or he has a really good reason to do it.

Liz · Drew:My dog ran away! Let me get my coat.

Liz:If we don't, I don't think I could ever be around dogs again.

Liz:Good. Don't listen to anyone who says you should become an actress.

Liz:That's what I could do to Drew.

Liz:But you haven't seen Dr. Baird. He looks like a cartoon pilot.

Liz:I am not the Generalissimo.

Liz:The party's tomorrow night. Tonight, I'm just hanging out, eating fondue by candlelight.

Liz:Buster, you wang!

Liz:Let's get you back in your special kitchen cabinet.

Liz:You've been roofied!

Drew · Liz:That's not your dog. I can explain. Just relax.

Liz:I am the Generalissimo!

Liz · Drew:I am the Generalissimo! I don't know what that means.

Drew · Liz:weirder things have happened, right? Isn't that Tracy Jordan?

Liz:Saturday is Valentine's Day? Norts!

Liz:There is handsomeness involved.

Jack · Liz:Slut buster? / No, not a ball player.

Liz:I don't know. Have you ever put a donut in the microwave?

Liz:Thanks. I found it at Dunkin... wait a minute.

Liz:It's my own recipe where I use cheddar cheese instead of water.

Liz:Well, it's just gotten so small that I kind of want to see if it disappears.

Liz:Okay. Well, I guess we just... jumped ahead to date four. It's not the good one, either.

Liz:Oh, cheese stew. What was I thinking?

Liz:The draft made the door fly open! I know. It's not a big deal. So, we skipped from date four to date... 20.

Liz:Mandy? Is that, like, a guy friend, like Mandy Patinkin?

Jack · Liz:Lemon, you're a woman. Of course I am! That doctor was a quack, I don't even know why my parents listened to him.

Liz · Jack:You mean, like, marriage? No, the one before that. Moving in together? That's huge! No, the thing you do before that. think 'you in the mid-nineties.' You haven't had sex?

Jack · Liz:We have, of course, pleasured one another- No, stop, I believe.

Liz:in 2009 I have done it two more times than you.

Liz:Give it up what, what. Whoo, do not leave a brother hanging.

Liz · Asseef:Oh, yeah, I'll definitely do that, on Opposite Day. I'm new to this country, is that a real thing?

Liz:Ach, I lost my phone and this jagweed cabby has it.

Liz · Jack:There's an adult picture of me on that phone. What picture? Oh my god! Yes. That one.

Liz:Drew took it as a joke, I'm making a face like- Why am I telling you this?

Kenneth · Liz:Say it. Say I'm your friend. Fine. You're my friend, Kenneth. Let's go.

Liz:It's a song, a lullaby that my nana Lemon used to sing to me every night

Liz:she died a few hours later. It was my birthday.

Liz:No, that's not a New Year's thing, that's the year she wanted to live to, and she didn't make it.

Liz:I can't handle the truth!

Liz:and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.

Liz:Co-worker!

Liz:Donuts and then bed. What are you depressed about or celebrating?

Liz · Writer:My ankle! Oh, 'Imaginary injury.' I would have said 'death of a voice coach.'

Liz:don't you have some gallery opening or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner city youths?

Liz · Donut shop worker:Should you be working the night shift alone like this? It's fine. They gave me a gun.

Liz:Making a new friend. I don't like that you have crazy-eyes. Oh, shut up, mouth.

Liz:When I was your age, you could just be like, 'Oh, he probably tried to call me, but my line was busy.' And then just... watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.

Liz:Look at Biz Markie or The Doors.

Liz:Did you know that if you sing 'Happy Birthday' on a TV show, you have to pay for it?

Liz:Is that Harry and the Hendersons? You've seen it? This is my life, Jack.

Liz:Ugh! Fine, Lithgow! I'll do the right thing. God! I guess someone's been watching The World According to Garp.

Liz:Do you know how many people want what just got dropped in your lap? 'Oh, now is not a good time. I want to go to Burning Man.' Shut up, Tim!

Liz:And get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding because it's fun and people like it.

Liz · Jack:I guess, in a way... we both... lost children today. Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.

Liz:There's a stacker thing to separate your junk mail from your humidifier catalogs.

Liz:A round, plastic deal that holds your shoes with a pocket for a photograph of what shoes are in there.

Liz:Like a phoenix rise... Watch out! Or... maybe this is going to be the worst day ever.

Liz:Everybody shut up! Shut up, Lutz.

Liz:Already today, I have lost faith in 'decorganizing'

Liz:lost a shoving match to what I thought was a female bike messenger

Liz · Frank:Why are you not wearing pants?... They still have the heat set for winter and my office is boiling.

Liz:I told you to buy more 'Proactiv'.

Liz:Jenna. That's a glue stick.

Liz:The pocket microwave? You can buy it on Friday along with everyone else. It has a ham button. You used my idea!

Liz:I've got my Princess Leia outfit and some Playgirl magazines from the early 1980s. They will dismiss me immediately as a weirdo.

Liz:I am not asking you this as the boss you love to undermine, but as the friend whose birthday you love to forget.

Liz:And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.

Liz:The Small Wonder. The 'Micro-Mate'. The 'Porta-Hotty'.

Liz:Throw in a late Hannukah and the fact that I work in a Kwanzaa neighborhood

Liz:But I suspect they were doing sex with each other.

Liz:most of whom would be unemployable in any other field

Liz:And don't even get me started on Tracy and Jenna.

Liz:All of it would dance in the warm mouth of my fire.

Liz:And a new, better, wonderful me would rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

Liz:I'm freer than you. I'm freer than you.

Liz:Sleep or die!

Liz:Bite nuker!

Liz:All I did was ask for a Diet Slice and some pita chips.

Liz:It works in the shower?

Liz:You know what? This really is the best day ever.

Liz:Here comes the funcooker!

Liz:Oh, upbeat and confused.

Jack · Liz:I'm thinking about some of them now. / Me too.

Liz · Jack:You guys are best friends forever? / That's not what that stands for.

Liz:Why would you celebrate that?

Liz:Mayor Bloomberg asked him to dance.

Liz:Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye-roll. Oh, brother.

Liz:What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Liz:Oh, my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show!

Liz · Drew:It's nice of those guys to give up their court for us. / Yes... for us.

Liz · Drew:What is this orange-y taste? / Gatorade.

Jack · Liz:Oh no, he's not a B.F.F.? / Ugh, no! Never!

Liz:He is a doctor who doesn't know the Heimlich Maneuver. He can't play tennis, he can't cook... he's as bad at sex as I am. But he has no idea!

Drew · Liz:Oh, yes, you can. The hot Italian lady from the Food Network told me so. Did she say it on TV? No, she said it to me when she jumped escalators to try to talk...

Drew · Liz:Or as the French say... / Yeah. I'll see you around.

Jack · Liz:Are you frying bacon? No. It's my new running shoes.

Liz:My mail's been piling up, and I keep forgetting to buy toilet paper.

Jack · Liz:Don't wear that thing with the belt. What thing with the belt? I have a lot of belted outfits!

Dennis · Liz:Hello, dummy. No. Nope. Not interested. Have a good life.

Dennis · Liz:One word. Coffee. One problem. Where do you get it? Anywhere. You get it anywhere. Wrong.

Jack · Liz:As a kid, you never got so excited, you vomited? No. No one does that. I mean, I've peed a little.

Liz:I'm 'lizzing'! 'Lizzing' is a combination of 'laughing' and 'whizzing.'

Liz:Yes. Hello, this is Jenna.

Liz:Yes. Really. Whysoever would you be phoning me?

Liz · Jenna:Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah. Let's go give him a piece of our mind. Let's stab him. Yeah, your thing.

Jenna · Liz:It was in your bed. Aw, guys, come on! I eat in there!

Liz · Tech guy:Floor Marshall! / Hey. You called tech support?

Liz:I have since had 'Invisalign'.

Liz:One unsolved crew death

Jack · Liz:The days of your wild coke parties are over. / Well, if by 'coke,' you mean 'sodas'... / I do. It's really bad.

Liz:Jack, i put on a live show every week Unless there's wrestling.

Jack · Liz:let's get this right. / i've got so tcks up my sleeve. / That's my girl. / No, trix, the cereal. Some fell in my sleeve. It's sticking to the fibers.

Liz:Actually, i thought we'd do this outside the box.

Liz:we are the number one late night show among men 9-13 and the morbidly obese.

Liz:we're In final negotiations To create exclusive content for america's jails

Liz:Or in sid's case, their much younger wife With whom they have an open relationship.

Pete · Liz · Various:All right, what about straws? We spend $1,200 a year on straws. / Okay, fine. No straws. / Oh, no, we need straws. / Oh, god! That's its bathroom!

Cheryl · Liz:Do you happen to know If he's a boob man or a butt man? / What? Why would you ask that? / Because i don't want to get fired. So i'm gonna have to go in there And boink my way out of this

Liz:I want to keep making free, long-Distance prank calls To people like seattle's richard sacmuncher.

Jack · Liz:Why is everyone talking about that movie? / It's playing on showtime.

Liz:Halster, you look hot in those trousers. how about we grab drinks tonight? Marissa, update my sched.

Liz:Lee, i need that dress jenna wore for the hooker sketch, The heels tracy wears when he plays michelle obama, And double--Wait-- Triple spanx.

Liz · Crew:They may take my dignity, But they will never take our straws! / Yeah!

Liz:We go upstairs.20 minutes. Open mouth.I will work your ears.

Liz · Brad:30 minutes. sounds. Top front of my body is now in play. Deal? / Deal.

Liz:I had to give him a little taste of the lemon. And it was not sour, my friend. Not sour.

Brad · Liz:Being with a woman for the first time since my wife died. / Ah, snap. / It was just a transaction?

Liz:Hey,i brighten their day.

Liz:"constant cving."

Liz:Like you were,in poland.

Liz:Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.

Liz:What? This building has a gym?

Liz:Right now,i should be standing in a toilet stall so nobody bothers me while I eat lunch.

Liz:A a decoy candy drawer to throw others off the trail?

Liz · Emily:This is,like,your version of sweatpants and pop-tarts? Not too shabs. Short for shabby. Hilarious.

Emily · Liz:Those look great on you. Then I'm buying them.

Liz:I forgot to watch my show.

Liz:Why don't you drop those dockers and gimme a piece of that sweet ass?

Liz:Did i? Or did he put his mouth on my fingers?

Liz:I'm on humanity leave.

Liz:Bm-ing like a rock star?

Liz:You guys mess up everything you touch, and then I have to come in here and fix it.

Kenneth · Liz:Oh, Miss Lemon, we can't have coconut products out anymore because of staff allergies. / What? No, allergies are psychosomatic.

Liz:The only reason I'm allergic to dogs is because one bit me the first time I got my period.

Liz:I'll take that Slanket, too, if you're not going to use it.

Liz · Elisa:Are you a man? / Really? That's your guess? A man?

Elisa · Liz:You want to see me naked? / Sort of.

Elisa · Liz:Now, don't dare say anything about what I told you about my secret. / I'm not going to because you have to.

Tracy · Liz:And you know my signature move with the ladies. It's... / Taking off your shirt.

Liz:What do you want me to say, Tracy... 'I'm sorry I made it harder for you to cheat on your wife?'

Kenneth · Liz · Kenneth:La Viuda Negra! / What? What does that mean? / The Black Widow.

Liz:I think my grandpa may have but he never really liked to talk about what happened at... Kent State.

Liz:It's not product placement. I just like it.

Liz:Working on my night cheese, Mmm, mmm...

Liz:Yeah, I mean, come on. Look at me.

Liz:Wow, that is one gay lion.

Liz:I had Grizz call him at 8:00 this morning and pretend it was 11:00. I printed up that fake rehearsal schedule for him, Saying we were starting at 9:00 instead of noon. Oh, and I set all his watches and clocks to say P.M. when it's really A.M.

Tracy · Liz:You know what? Race card. No, don't accept it!

Liz:Tracy hasn't come back yet, But he did sent a gibbon to rehearse in his place.

Liz:[laughs] he's pretty good.

Liz:Time jump!

Liz:Then tomorrow, I'm sending a regular town car for you Instead of one of those duck tour boats.

Liz:And you're no longer allowed to point at women In the cafeteria and yell, 'I wanna get that pregnant!'

Tracy · Liz:[Extended mutual laughter escalation]

Liz:Now let's get outta here Before we realize we've forgotten about something.

Liz:Let's...Not make this about you, okay?

Liz:It's like orange-flavored egg! It's in my mouth!

Liz:That's the quantum leap intro.

Jack · Liz:Who would be our current Nikita Khrushchev? Mm...Simon Cowell?

Liz:1959. Boy, it would have been fun to write back then. You could get away with crazy plot twists Because audiences were so much less sophisticated.

Liz:[gasps] Twist!

Jack · Liz:Jack mentions Liz's memo about including more catchphrases, then delivers an absurd example about leaving in boxers and returning in briefs being 'a dealbreaker, ladies'

Liz:Liz's Sims reference: when a child doesn't see their father enough, they act erratically and eventually wet themselves

Liz:Liz's sad question: 'Why don't I have any other friends?'

Liz · Jack:Liz's 'Mamma Mia' reference and Jack's confusion leading to her explanation of the ABBA musical

Liz · Jack:'It's like the movie Mamma Mia' / 'What?' / 'Nothing, don't push it, let it happen, there'll be a Mamma Mia'

Liz · Tracy:'Listen Tracy, you're 39 years old, right?' / 'Of course, why would I lie about my age? I work in entertainment'

Liz · Kenneth · Tracy:Liz and Kenneth testing Tracy's age with Rob Base's 'It Takes Two' - Tracy performs it perfectly despite claiming to be 39

Liz · Jack:'Are you ready to meet them?' / 'Yes' / 'Jack, meet George Park, he's Korean'

Liz:Liz's description of her late-night writing process: eating dry bran raisin to stay awake and taking the 'fart train' to work

Liz · Kenneth:Liz saving half a muffin 'to eat later' and the observation about what 21-year-old wraps half a muffin

Photographer · Liz · Gina:The photographer suggesting Liz and Gina 'act a little weird' for some shots, leading to prop comedy

Liz · Kenneth:Discovery that Donald is 40 years old, making him older than Tracy

Liz:Liz on the magazine cover giving birth to a chicken over a toilet

Liz:Magazine cover showing Liz birthing a chicken over a toilet

Liz:Of course, I was a kidney in my fifth grade school play.

Liz:# Oh, I'm the kidney... # The other kidney is singing now.

Jack · Liz:Milton needs a kidney. Milton, as in your dad? My dad? I don't know this guy.

Liz:# The brain helps you make decisions... #

Liz · Jenna:And I was all like, 'talk to the hand.' You give me back my man, bitch! Never!

Kenneth · Liz:Campbell was actually Mr. Campbell, his science teacher. His science teacher was a drug dealer?

Liz:You have sexually-transmitted crazy mouth. Dealbreaker.

Liz:Nope, your fiancé's gay. Look at him. Look at you. Classic case of 'fruit blindness.'

Liz · Man:Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman? Uh... one time in college. And a lot since then.

Liz:Yeah, he thinks he deserves a 'va-jay-jay upgrade.' He doesn't, he's not Tom Brady.

Liz:Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products.

Liz:Only one snake in the bed. Dealbreaker.

Liz:Like 'We Are the World' or Weird Al Yankovic's less successful parody benefit, 'We Are the Pizza.'

Paula · Liz:And I'm here in New York while he's back in Hooglanderveen. Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue.

Liz:Not on my watch, biotch. / 'S' that 'D.' Shut it down. Dealbreaker.

Liz:No to the way to the Jose. / Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue. Dealbreaker.

Liz:Cerie, I have two words for you: robot warning. Okay, that catch-phrase needs a little work. Dealbreaker!

Liz:I actually played a kidney in my fifth grade school play... with this loser.

Liz:Do you know if there's a sit-down Quizno's in Midtown? Never mind.

Liz:I only have $300 million.

Liz:I have this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that? It's either happiness or osteoporosis.

Liz:We were best friends in elementary school.

Liz:All of America is America

Liz:Well, you just don't like anybody, do you?

Liz:Uh, he's burning money again

Jack · Liz:Right, Josh, I forgot about that guy. You think that's a good sign?

Liz:Pete's stealing money. Liz's uterus fell out.

Liz:Nothing. Uterus nothing.

Liz:I'm picking up my 'new tritionist' and his elderly son

Liz:It's like I tell my assistant. Your weight is a reflection on me.

Liz · Jack:How do you kill a snake? You cut off the head. Of course! Thank you. Now I won't be afraid to go into my garage.

Liz:They used to call me the Chameleon. Because of my slender frame and my big, wet eyes.

Liz:It's an L.L. Bean child's wallet from the 1970s. There's no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free Tasti D-Lite.

Liz:Yes, yes, we are doing it. No! So there you go, case closed. Pete and I are intercoursing each other.

Liz:He was impervious to the charms of the 'Nympho Coed'. Charlene LaRue.

Liz:Because I've had the Cheesy Blasters for three days.

Liz:i wrote that! i'm liz lemon.

Liz · Mike:if your man is over 30, and still wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker. but not you, mike. that's not you. mike, leave my cutout alone.

Liz:okay, you know, i'm gonna do the same thing to your cutout. oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody.

Liz:blam-o! another successful interaction with a man!

Liz:hey, if you're going to d.c., i lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.

Liz:i took it out to eat astronaut ice cream at the air and space museum.

Frank · Liz:last weekend, i picked up this girl after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. also a dealbreaker. i took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. as is that. snuck her inside, past my mom. wow, that's four.

Liz:really? i did big sister in college. that little girl taught me how to use tampons.

Liz · Jenna:yes, i remember that from the thriller video. too soon.

Liz:no, i don't. i don't even know why you brought that thing.

Liz:all you can do is turn the heat up, pour some whisky in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.

Liz:well, that's not gonna work for me, because jenna is immune to whisky, and tracy is afraid of juice.

Liz · Tracy:i'ma do us? what does that even mean? that's a pun on amadeus, dummy.

Liz:tracy is producing a porno based on my life. and i'm writing it.

Liz:jenna...you're my friend. no matter what. i will always look after you. that's not going to change.

Liz:my retainer. now my dad won't be mad at me.

Liz:Jack,just say Jewish. This is taking forever.

Liz:Oh,wow,they painted the ceiling in here.

Liz:All of humankind has one thing in common... the sandwich.

Liz:Which is why I will have the carp po'boy with extra chuckle.

Liz:No,it's not because we're from new York. We're all the same sandwiches.

Liz:What is this? 'peppy bismilk'?

Liz:Why is everything a little different here?

Liz:'Schwupps ginny pale'?

Liz:like matlock... or wholesome,like elly mae clampett. And some of them are skeevy dirt bags like the dukes of hazzard, driving around like maniacs. Children use those roads.

Liz:Pete hornberger Alan Parsons project project.

Liz:call it the hornberger system

Liz:You know my fontanelle never closed

Liz · Unknown auditioner:[growls] - no! bad! Sorry. it's a little crazy here today

Liz:Scorsese: let me tell you one thing about jayden. I love jayden. Walken: i love jayden. Gottfried: i love jayden!

Liz:give...it up. I figured out... your game

Liz:It's just that you've never been right before. About anything

Liz:to be fair, i did not think kathy geiss Was gonna finish her song by taking off her underpants

Liz:Boy, i hope he speaks english. Yikes

Liz:I don't think his real name is partybot.

Liz:Just hit your marks, stay in your light, and do the same thing every take for continuity.

Liz:I do, i bought an activia microwavable panini.

Danny · Liz:and now i'm... Um... You're on tgs. I'm on tgs?

Liz:Spit take. Are you serious?

Liz:Do you remember when i was first starting out, and i signed a tenyear deal with that karaoke machine company?

Liz:My book is number 14 on the nonfiction bestseller chart, right behind the founding fathers' diet.

Liz · Cerie:That was no. Just, heh, call him and tell him i'm on my way. Do i look okay? That's exactly how you look.

Liz:Son of a bitch!

Liz:What the what, jack?

Jack · Liz:I've already spoken to padma lakshmi. Then who's gonna host top chef?

Liz:I haven't even begun to problem.

Liz:That's a bathroom?

Liz:Damn it, simon!

Liz:They could've done, 'Geiss screams, son pay!' you know, like, ice cream sundae.

Liz · Frank:Were you gonna pee in that jar? I didn't know anyone was here. That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea. Some of them are sun tea, and some of them were sun tea.

Liz:Our topical cold open is about Omarosa borrowing Bjork's swan dress.

Liz:I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!

Liz:Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Liz:are they just gonna put that stupid green peacock in the corner of the screen?

Liz:A gay hipster cop. You're an interesting guy, Brian.

Liz:Why doesn't that say 'hero'? That feels like a real missed opportunity.

Liz:♪ I'm a star ♪ ♪ I'm on top ♪ ♪ somebody bring me some ham ♪

Liz · Pete:What? No, go away. This is my fantasy, Pete!

Liz:Wow, she finally figured that out.

Tracy · Liz:Come over here and check out my corner. - No trap. - What? Come over here, I said... In my normal tone of voice.

Liz:Maybe we could un-did these handcuffs.

Angie · Liz:Oh, cracker! - Racist!

Liz:Now, it's not about who I like the most or who's the funniest, so it's Toofer.

Toofer · Liz:As Tennyson wrote, 'I mete and dole unequal-' No, never mind. Lutz, you want it?

Lutz · Liz:Too much pressure. Writers who never talk, Anyone want a promotion?

Liz:I can't wear contacts 'cause the doctor says my eyeballs are too pointy.

Liz:Dear, Dr. Spaceman, thank you for your submission. The New England Journal of Medicine does not publish X-rated cartoons.

Liz:Oh, actually, I got three haircuts. The first two made me look nuts.

Liz:Hey, do I say the word 'camer-ah' weird? Camer-ah.

Liz:I fully understand the irony of what I'm about to say, But I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out!

Liz · Jack:In the end, the police chief turns out to be the bad guy. I didn't say I wasn't going to see it.

Liz:And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!

Jack · Liz:Hey, buddy, your hair looks nice. - Don't try those tricks on me!

Liz:I could have had it all, But you had to ruin it With your thinking!

Liz:You should kill yourself!

Liz:This is how I cry now, ever since you made me get that off-brand eye surgery.

Liz:I'm gonna be on TV on TV!

Liz:Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans, so Cheese of the Month Club.

Liz:Oh, I wanna take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.

Liz:Well, in my family, everybody just writes down what they want and then we give it to each other and everybody has a great Christmas.

Liz · Jack:So bath salts in a coffee mug would be... Not it.

Jack · Liz:I've been finger tagged, Lemon. Was it down by the subway entrance? 'cause I saw a gangly-looking kid down there.

Liz:That's the year my mom was born.

Liz:My first crush was Larry Wilcox. The blonde guy from Chips? Bowl haircut, thin lips, hoo.

Jack · Liz:Uh, this wasn't a TV crush. This was real. Oh, mine got pretty real.

Liz:I'll check her face-vault to see her previous bing-bings.

Liz:There are definitely faces here but they are not being treated with respect.

Liz:He takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them!

Liz:And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they wanna switch, they cannot, unless they do. Then everyone puts their head down except the murderer.

Liz:Like I need two copies of Over 60 Vixens.

Liz · Nancy:Yeah, I did plays in high school too. I was John Proctor in The Crucible. Oh, you went to an all-girls' school? No.

Liz:New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything!