Jack Meets Dennis

Dennis:Dennis says 'Maybe we'll see Natalie Morales, that little firecracker, she gets my blood running south of the border.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis says he'll 'pick up some Chinese' and Liz notes that's less offensive than his usual language, then Dennis credits losing her with making him 'more mature'

Liz · Dennis:Liz says 'Ow, that really hurts, Dennis' — implying Dennis's affectionate gesture is physically painful

Liz · Jenna:Liz tells her friend not to give her the eyebrows; friend says 'Yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.'

Liz:Liz defends the boob-honking: 'That was before. And it was the playoffs.'

Liz:Liz says the old Beeper King 'shot himself' — then immediately pivots to 'But Dennis took over and now he's the only beeper salesman left in Manhattan, which is cool in a way.'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna says Liz doesn't get to give dating advice because 'You sent a letter to Scott Peterson. After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress. Are you kidding me? He was smokin'.'

Liz:Asked about sex with Dennis: 'Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.'

Tracy:Tracy storms in outraged about a tabloid calling him 'Normal.' 'Libel, Liz Lemon!'

Tracy:Tracy explains: 'It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks when, actually, I'm doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks.'

Tracy:Tracy continues: 'And I don't even know whose dog that is. Yes, I steal dogs. What is the problem?'

Tracy:Tracy's escalating logic: 'I can't be normal! If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor. And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!'

Jack:Jack watches Tracy's meltdown and says: 'Wow. Talking to that guy, it's like looking in a mirror, huh?'

Jack · Jenna:Jack to Jenna in wardrobe: 'The latest research is in. Our audience doesn't like green.' Jenna: 'Oh, that's too bad. I like green.' Jack: 'Research doesn't lie, Jenna. It lets us know what we're thinking — what's too boring, what's too gay, what's too old.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack's rapid-fire age interrogation of Jenna: birth year, graduation year, turn-40 year, junior high crush, prom theme, and what movie she lost her virginity at — then 'What's a drive-in?' / 'Of course.'

Jack:After the entire age interrogation, Jack concludes '...29.' — confirming her lie to her face while technically agreeing with it

Josh · Writers:Writers realize Josh may be in a romantic situation with Liz Taylor. 'Sounds like someone loves Liz Taylor.' Josh: 'I do.' 'No, we mean love love.' 'Yeah, like if she walked in right now and said she wanted to do it with you, you would.' Josh: 'I definitely would.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I cannot and will not relax, Liz. I am an actress. And when someone asks an actress how old she is, it's more statement than question.'

Writer:A young writer helpfully offers: 'When my mom's feeling old, she goes to this guy on 71st Street. But she's old. She's like 38.'

Jenna:Jenna's reaction: 'I'm gonna be sick.'

Jack · Liz:Jack intercepts Liz eating a turkey sub and delivers the 'Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?' speech.

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz she has 'a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair' — the physical detail grounding his abstract critique of her lifestyle

Jack:Jack's description of Jack Welch's mentorship: 'the most restrictive country clubs... names of the most discreet private investigators to spy on our ex-wives... held our hands during our triumphs and our Senate hearings.'

Jack · Liz:While making his case for mentoring Liz, Jack notices a man masturbating in an office across the way: 'There appears to be a gentleman making passionate, angry, love to himself.'

Liz:Liz reveals she already knew about the masturbating man: 'Yeah, I know. That's why I closed the blinds in the first place.'

Jack:Jack watches the masturbating man and says 'You've got to admire his persistence and stamina, though. Am I wrong, or is he in the middle of a staff meeting?'

Liz · Jack:Liz suggests Jack mentor the masturbating man: 'Maybe you should be his mentor.' Jack: 'Obviously, he doesn't need one. He's got it all figured out.'

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis and Jack at the restaurant: 'I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.' / 'It's cod. It's— They made it special.' Dennis: 'Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried.'

Dennis · Jack:Dennis: 'That douche bag up front made me wear it.' (about a tie) Jack: 'Does he know you're the Beeper King?' Dennis: 'I don't think so.'

Dennis:Dennis: 'Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.' Then immediately: 'Hold on a second. This place ain't that nice, all right? It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.'

Dennis · Jack:Dennis: 'You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan? You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?' Jack: 'I think I read about that in The New Yorker.'

Jack:Jack's parting shot to Liz and Dennis: 'Anyway, we'll leave you to your meal. I hope you enjoy the, uh, choices that you've made.'

PR Person:A PR person describes a former call girl who 'went on to become one of NBC's biggest news anchors.'

Tracy · Onlooker:'Star coming! Wall hug, everybody!' — Tracy enters and everyone plasters themselves against the wall. An onlooker says 'He seems like such a nice, normal young man.'

Liz:Liz defends Dennis: 'He fixed my toilet. He broke it first, but he fixed it.'

Liz:Liz defends staying with Dennis: 'I don't have time for a personal life, okay? I can't just go to Central Park and join the singles touch football league.'

Liz:Liz continues: 'Like I'd want to anyway. People in those posters, always laughing in their sweaters. Who are they foolin'?'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'The bottom line is, Dennis is my boyfriend because he inquired. He was the only applicant, and I am not—' Jack: 'Doin' great.'

Liz:Liz: 'Really? This water — does someone boil it first, then throw it in your face?'

Jenna:Jenna finally admits: 'Okay, I had a little Botox and some collagen, and a chemical peel, and something with shark DNA.'

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'Admit it, I look ten years younger.' Jenna: 'No, younger even. You look like a fetus.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz mentions Dennis; Jenna's eyebrows don't move. Jenna: 'They didn't?' Liz: 'No.' Jenna: 'How about now?' — attempting to raise eyebrows post-Botox

Dennis:Dennis arrives at the writers' room: 'If she doesn't get back here soon, I'm pokin' air holes in it.' — referring to a live animal inside a box

Dennis · Writer:Dennis to the writers' room: 'I couldn't help but notice that none of you are wearing beepers.' Writer: 'Cool, I can use some ironic accessories.'

Dennis · Liz:Liz tells Dennis the animal got out. Dennis: 'Oh, no. It got out. If anyone sees a salamander, it's Liz's.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis insists beepers are making a comeback: 'Technology's cyclical.' Liz: 'No, technology is not cyclical.'

Dennis:Dennis explains rat kings with genuine enthusiasm, then: 'And then it gets awesome. Eventually their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king. And we saw one.'

Jack · Dennis:Jack: 'Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with the camera on your beeper.' Dennis: 'Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera, but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.'

Jack · Dennis:Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with the camera on your beeper. / Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera, but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.

Jack:Jack watches Dennis's complete obliviousness to sarcasm and whispers to Liz: '[whispering] I love him.'

Tracy:Tracy unveils a face tattoo of a 'biblical dragon from outer space' and claims it was 'for the good of the show.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.'

Liz:Liz: 'Great. Jenna looks like a porn star burn victim, and now this idiot.'

Josh · Liz Taylor:Liz Taylor herself walks in and tells Josh: 'I'm just glad you weren't offended by my impression.' Taylor: 'Oh...but I was...deeply. I'm here to give you the gift... of pain.' Josh: 'The gift of what?' Taylor: 'White diamonds!'

Dennis:Jack gives Dennis a pager and Dennis says: 'Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.'

Liz · Howard:Jack introduces Howard as a potential date for Liz. Liz begins to engage. Howard: 'I'm married with two beautiful kids and a pool.'

Jack · Howard:I wanted to show you my handiwork. I used to mentor Howard. / I was a lot like you. I dressed poorly, had bad posture, walked around with lettuce in my hair.

Jack:Jack proudly summarizes Howard's transformation: 'Now Howard's earning seven figures and he's married to a swell Filipino gal.'

Liz:Liz reports Josh may have brain damage from Liz Taylor's visit: 'Liz Taylor really messed him up. He might have brain damage.'

Pete · Liz:In the middle of a serious moment, Pete reports the musical guest is James Blunt. Everyone reacts with deflation.

Pete · Liz:Who is it? / James Blunt. / Oh.

Liz · Pete:Liz's extended sandwich-as-relationship metaphor: 'It's convenient, it's consistent, I know what I'm getting, it doesn't make me feel bad about my body. And you know what? Maybe I'm at an age where it's okay for me to settle for this.' Pete: 'Are we still talking about the sandwich place?'

Pete · Liz:Are we still talking about the sandwich place? / No, sadly, I don't think we are.

Liz · Jack:Jack's speech helping Liz enumerate Dennis's flaws: 'Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair.'

Liz · Jack:Liz connects Dennis's relationship pattern to rat kings: 'We'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lives until I just can't even get away and we're just like— Oh, my God.' Jack: 'That's right. He's the rat king.'

Jack:Jack's breakup coaching: 'You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tinfoil. You must be ruthless. You must be absolute. Remember always, you are The Exterminator.'

Liz · Jack:Liz shouts 'I AM THE EXTERMINATOR!' at the top of her lungs; Jack immediately whispers: 'Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here, okay?'

Tracy:Tracy's face tattoo is revealed to be drawn on with a Sharpie: 'Oh, it is fake! Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. A movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy explains: 'And then what about next week when you don't have it anymore?' / 'I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed. Ba-boom! That's another Not Normal.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.' Liz: 'Nuh-uh.' Tracy: 'Wayne Brady has three Emmys.' Liz: 'You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.' Liz: 'First of all, I'm not from Whiteville. I'm from White Haven, and it's not as nice as it sounds.'

Cast Members:Dress rehearsal disaster: 'Good evening. I'm Laura Bush.' 'And I'm Condoleezza Rice.' '[indistinctly] And I'm John Kerry.'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'What is your contingency plan for a crapstorm of this magnitude?' Pete: 'There is none. We go live in a half an hour.' Jack: 'No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships.'

Pete:Pete's colleague asks: 'He knows about my marriage?' in a whisper, responding to Jack's 'addiction to dysfunctional relationships' comment.

Jack:No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships. You have no exit strategies.

Pete:As the show faces disaster, Pete says: 'Worse than the time we let Tracy do that tribute to August Wilson? That was my fault. I should have made sure he knew who August Wilson was.'

Jack:Jack suggests they might be saved by: 'Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. How's Gerald Ford's health?'

Pete:A blackout hits right as the show is about to go disastrously live. Pete: 'The backup generator will kick in in just a few seconds.' [long pause] 'Okay, you can panic.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Yes, this blackout is a fortunate coincidence.' Liz: 'You didn't do it, right?' Jack: 'What, do you think I control the universe?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow?'

Liz:Liz: 'No, you're on a plane to Boston tomorrow, Tray. We have a laboratory. They're experimenting in tattoo removal. It promises to be one of our biggest profit centers once today's generation finally sobers up.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'Tattoo's fake, Donaghy. Fake.' Jack: 'Street cred. He's a genius.'

Jack · Vendor:In the dark, a vendor shouts 'Flashlight, $20!' — repeatedly, creating a rhythmic backdrop to Jack encouraging Liz. Jack: 'Be strong, Lemon. Don't let Dennis chew his way out of this one.'

Liz · Dennis · Vendor:Liz asks Dennis: 'Can I borrow 20 bucks?' Vendor: 'Flashlight, $20!' — implicit that Dennis doesn't have $20

Dennis · Liz:Dennis wakes from sleep upset: 'I wish I had burned the place down. There's no reason to live anymore.' Liz, alarmed: 'What happened?' Dennis: 'The Islanders lost tonight.' Liz: 'Doesn't that happen a lot?'

Dennis:Dennis: 'I knew you wouldn't understand.' [long silence and fade]

Liz · Jenna:Final tag: Liz reports: 'So how did it go?' Liz: 'He moved in with me.' Friend: 'Well, of course he did.'