Jack Donaghy

Jack:Jack mentions a chemical factory explosion outside Colorado Springs, then says 'Good' when Liz says she hasn't heard about it

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Lemon, to tread lightly is your job. My job is to keep Tracy Jordan happy.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'He's an imbecile.' Jack: 'Well, he's our imbecile now.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack to Tracy: 'You have to teach me that handshake one day.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack introduces every single person in the writers room to Tracy — including 'Rupert Murdoch. Melinda Gates. Ziggy from the cartoon Ziggy. Anthony Pellano. Heidi Klum. The guy that sleeps with Heidi Klum.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!' Jack: 'When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.'

Liz · Jack:Jack lists his previous advice to Liz: Liz says 'Not to freak out?' Jack confirms, then Liz says: 'Stop falling in love with gay guys?'

Jack:Jack on a German phone call: 'Glaub mir. Diese Advantium Microwaves sind die beste.' (Trust me. These Advantium Microwaves are the best.)

Jack:Yeah, wunderbar. Plowchops.

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'It tested very well with the focus groups.' Liz protests the name change. Jack: 'If you say you like it, you can have some pizza.'

Jack:Jack: 'Then we could sit around and braid each other's hair until we get our periods at the same time.'

Jack · Liz:Jack's extended pool metaphor: '...build the house, add on a pool, and throw yourself into the deep end.' Liz: 'What if I can't swim?' Jack: 'Then I'll do what my father did when I was two. Lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy, and push you in.'

Jack:Jack's story: 'So I said, Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple. And Rick said, I'll never forget this: Freaky deakies need love too.'

Jack · Liz:Jack sees Liz in what she calls her office; Jack: 'I guess you bring a little feminine magic to everything you touch.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'No, he's not your employee, he's your product. Like it or not, you're in the Tracy Jordan business now.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'How do I do that?' Liz asks. Jack: 'I don't know. I'm a non-genius.'

Jack · Liz:Jack asks how things are in the deep end. Liz says 'Fine.' Jack: 'The staff is meshing together well?' Liz: 'Oh, yes, yeah.' Cut to: writers throwing things at Liz.

Jack · Liz:Jack to Liz the next morning: 'What are you talking about? Everybody loved your little Lemon party. I think it brings the team together like a harrowing experience.'

Jack · Liz:Jack resolves the Peabody boat theft by giving them 'free rides on the NBC jet.' — when Liz asks about the newspaper coverage, he reveals he 'had to give them something.'

Jack:No, I took care of that. The Peabodys will be getting some free rides on the NBC jet. There won't be anything in the papers at all.

Jack · Liz:Don't worry. She's gonna love it. / That's just insulting.

Jack:You're welcome.

Jack:Jack, to Liz's disgust at the Post photo: 'You're welcome.'

Jack · Liz:Liz, could you come to my office when you have a free moment? / I never have a free moment, Jack. Never, ever.

Jack:How does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them?

Jack:I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in quite some time... Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.

Jack:I would think that a single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death alone in her apartment.

Jack · Liz:Poker night? Who plays? / Really, that's all you got out of that?

Jack:I bluffed. Yes, I am coming. [to poker night]

Jack · Tracy:Donaghy, what up? / What up, Tra?

Jack · Pete · Jack:The minimum bet in this game is $25. / We usually just play for quarters. / Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy. This is a man's game.

Jack:Like, when Lutz here has a good hand, he stops eating.

Jack · Frank:When Frank is bluffing, he asks inane questions to hide his nervousness. / Oh, really, is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now?

Tracy · Jack:OK, Rain Man, tell me what I got. / Well, you have two of your cards backwards, actually.

Liz · Jack · Jack:Your shoes. / Well, I'm straight. / Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Jack · Liz · Jack:Did you know his middle name is Ellen? / No, that's weird. / That his Myers-Briggs psychological testing shows a rare combination of extroverted, intuitive, and aggressive? / Really? / It's the same as mine. He could be trouble. / Kenneth? / Kenneth Ellen.

Jack:All right, then, you're not a lesbian... I'll correct that on your file.

Jack · Liz · Jack:She thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh. / Really, she said that? / Yes, I made her repeat it. / I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Jack:You are a puzzle, Kenneth Ellen. / And I'm going to solve you.

Jack · Kenneth:I call. What have you got, Kenneth? / All clovers. I win.

Jack:Very clever boy, Kenneth, but the curtain has been drawn back now, and I know the real you.

Jack · Liz · Jack · Liz · Jack · Liz:The guy obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. / Neil. / The one who played Halo under the name Slut Banger. / Dennis. / The gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time. / Conan.

Liz · Jack:So, I should just be a lesbian? / Oh, I'm not saying it'll be easy. You know, get drunk first.

Liz · Jack:Why do guys think women can just flip a switch like that? What if I said to you, 'Go be with Frank now'? / Ah, I would be honoured. Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.

Jack:He's awesome. You can't read his thoughts 'cause he doesn't have any.

Jack:Will you, little Kenneth Ellen Parcell from Stone Mountain, Georgia, growing up in your mama's tract house, dreaming of working on a TV show, dreaming of making it all the way to the NBC?

Jack:Hey, I got a fun idea. You put your page jacket on the table. And if you win, you can get it back. If you lose... you go on home. / You go on home, little Kenneth Ellen... all the way to Stone Mountain.

Kenneth · Jack:I've got a pair of 25s. / Well, let's just see-by-weeby here. I've got a 2, a 4, a 9, a 6, and a king.

Jack:That means I win. [Jack declares victory with a completely worthless hand]

Jack:I wasn't really going to fire you. I just wanted to remind you that I could.

Jack:The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct.

Jack:In five years, we'll all either be working for him... or be dead by his hand.

Liz · Frank · Toofer · Writers · Jack:The writers' room is having a spontaneous one-minute dance party to Chamillionaire when Jack Donaghy walks in and they freeze.

Jack:To master just its basic concepts, one must brave a five-day conference at a Sheraton.

Jack:If you don't mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets, so could we just move on, please.

Jack:I was doing some research on comedy. And I came across the cartoon strip Dilbert. It's quite good. And I was wondering if we could do that.

Jack:Jack: 'I'm not a writer, but maybe there's a skit in that.' (referring to the Brokaw boat story)

Jack:And Brokaw says, 'Just go. Don't look back.' Now... I'm not a writer, but maybe there's a skit in that.

Jack:Oh, I have an idea for you. Monkey Senate. We open on the Capitol—

Jack:Why would I want to fire you? This is fine.

Jack · Liz:The apology backfires: Jack reworks it into 'No one wants to hear that people don't like you.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he got Liz Chamillionaire tickets — 'since you're such a big fan,' referencing the dance party.

Liz · Jack:Liz approaches Jack in front of GE executives and calls him her 'best bud—boink!' while asking for pizza roof access.

Jack:I'm sorry for what's about to happen right now. Just know that I don't mean it.

Jack:What group home did you escape from that you would dare talk to me like some plumber's wife in front of Ron Gordon and Bob Overmeyer?

Jack:Your ignorance was obvious when you waddled up to me with your thin-lipped mouth full of greasy peasant food and addressed me by my Christian name in front of the gentlemen from Fairfield.

Jack:But how would you know that with your nigh-40 years of public education and daytime television viewing?

Jack:Jack: 'But how would you know that with your nigh-40 years of public education and daytime television viewing?'

Jack:If you ever pull a bush league stunt like that again, I'm gonna have you writing promos for Arena Football so fast it'll make your inexplicably small head spin.

Liz · Jack:I thought you said we were friends. / I said we were friendly. / Well, I don't like you anymore. / I don't believe you.

Jack:Go easy on the pizza.

Jack:GE corporate video: 'For over a hundred years, GE has been imagining the future... today.'

Jack:'Incorporate positive mentions -- or PosMens -- of GE products into your program.'

Jack:Jack suggests writers integrate GE's 'direct-current drilling motors for an offshore or land-based project' into a sketch show.

Liz · Jack · Writer:Wow. This is diet Snapple? / I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it? / You should try Plum-A-Granate. It's amazing. / I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Jack:I'm watching Friends right now. What happens with Ross and Rachel? No, no. Don't tell me. Seriously. What were you saying?

Jack:You're such a Monica!

Jack · Liz · Camera Crew:The GE promo filming falls apart over dozens of takes — Jack can't remember 'product integration', asks for the line, is told not to give him the line, then asks again.

Jack:GE Promo. 126. / It's weird. What do I do with my arms? I've never thought about that before. Is it this? Or, if I may, this?

Jack:GE Promo. 129. It's called 'racial integration'-- No, that's not right, is it? It's called 'product intergort'-- 'intergortian'?

Jack:Oh! Could we turn off the phones, please? / Oh, I'm sorr--ha! I'm sorry. That's me. Let me turn this thing off here. I think I just took a picture.

Jack:I'm sorry, everybody, there's a [bleep] pigeon. Shoo!

Jack · Director · Crew:GE Promo. 142. / ...in upward revenue stream dynamics. For all of us. / Cut. That's a wrap! Ha! That was fun, you guys. Didn't feel like five days, did it? / No. Nah, that wasn't bad. / Everybody have a good weekend. And...we'll be right back.

Jack:I've summited Kilimanjaro. I've showered with Greta Van Susteren. I'm gonna do this, yeah.

Liz · Jack:Are you guys gonna...correlate overseas earnings report dynamics? / Yes.

Jack:Jack's fake phone call to his 'boss' — performing a subordinate argument with empty authority-speak while Jenna watches.

Jack · Liz:I agree. It's the writing. It's not natural. / Uhh! Really? You think the problem is the writing? / Yeah. It's clunky.

Liz · Jack:No. You should definitely do it. It'll be hilarious. / Oh, well, that'd be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn't it?

Jack:That's quite a commitment to such terrible writing.

Jack · Liz:I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear. / You're looking out a fake window right now, by the way. / I bow-hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.

Jack:Oh, God, the room is spinning. What do you want from me? I'm one of your actors. I'm freaking out. Talk me down.

Jack:If you were any other woman on earth... I would be turned on right now.

Jack · Liz:This stays between us, right, Lemon? / [long pause] / Lemon?

Liz · Jack:So we had to make some changes. Tracy is now in it, so we had to change some cues. Also, the opening VT is cut, so you just go right out. Oh, and you all say the last line together. / Wow. So uh... [Liz leaves] / Lemon, these pages are blank. / Oh. / Never mind. / Withdrawn.

Josh · Jack:But we're cool, right, Mr. Donaghy? / No, you're all fired.

Jack · Liz:Hey, good job the other night. / Oh, you mean on the show? Thanks. / What were you watching? / Nothing. Uh...Bloomberg. / Hmm. / Aha! / Don't be cute, Lemon. You're too old for that.

Jack · Liz:Good God! Lemon! [Liz opens the door] Mr. Donaghy, open up! Please?

Jack:Jack watches Tracy's meltdown and says: 'Wow. Talking to that guy, it's like looking in a mirror, huh?'

Jack · Jenna:Jack to Jenna in wardrobe: 'The latest research is in. Our audience doesn't like green.' Jenna: 'Oh, that's too bad. I like green.' Jack: 'Research doesn't lie, Jenna. It lets us know what we're thinking — what's too boring, what's too gay, what's too old.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack's rapid-fire age interrogation of Jenna: birth year, graduation year, turn-40 year, junior high crush, prom theme, and what movie she lost her virginity at — then 'What's a drive-in?' / 'Of course.'

Jack:After the entire age interrogation, Jack concludes '...29.' — confirming her lie to her face while technically agreeing with it

Jack · Liz:Jack intercepts Liz eating a turkey sub and delivers the 'Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?' speech.

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz she has 'a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair' — the physical detail grounding his abstract critique of her lifestyle

Jack:Jack's description of Jack Welch's mentorship: 'the most restrictive country clubs... names of the most discreet private investigators to spy on our ex-wives... held our hands during our triumphs and our Senate hearings.'

Jack · Liz:While making his case for mentoring Liz, Jack notices a man masturbating in an office across the way: 'There appears to be a gentleman making passionate, angry, love to himself.'

Jack:Jack watches the masturbating man and says 'You've got to admire his persistence and stamina, though. Am I wrong, or is he in the middle of a staff meeting?'

Liz · Jack:Liz suggests Jack mentor the masturbating man: 'Maybe you should be his mentor.' Jack: 'Obviously, he doesn't need one. He's got it all figured out.'

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis and Jack at the restaurant: 'I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.' / 'It's cod. It's— They made it special.' Dennis: 'Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried.'

Dennis · Jack:Dennis: 'That douche bag up front made me wear it.' (about a tie) Jack: 'Does he know you're the Beeper King?' Dennis: 'I don't think so.'

Dennis · Jack:Dennis: 'You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan? You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?' Jack: 'I think I read about that in The New Yorker.'

Jack:Jack's parting shot to Liz and Dennis: 'Anyway, we'll leave you to your meal. I hope you enjoy the, uh, choices that you've made.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'The bottom line is, Dennis is my boyfriend because he inquired. He was the only applicant, and I am not—' Jack: 'Doin' great.'

Jack · Dennis:Jack: 'Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with the camera on your beeper.' Dennis: 'Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera, but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.'

Jack · Dennis:Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with the camera on your beeper. / Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera, but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.

Jack:Jack watches Dennis's complete obliviousness to sarcasm and whispers to Liz: '[whispering] I love him.'

Jack · Howard:I wanted to show you my handiwork. I used to mentor Howard. / I was a lot like you. I dressed poorly, had bad posture, walked around with lettuce in my hair.

Jack:Jack proudly summarizes Howard's transformation: 'Now Howard's earning seven figures and he's married to a swell Filipino gal.'

Liz · Jack:Jack's speech helping Liz enumerate Dennis's flaws: 'Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair.'

Liz · Jack:Liz connects Dennis's relationship pattern to rat kings: 'We'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lives until I just can't even get away and we're just like— Oh, my God.' Jack: 'That's right. He's the rat king.'

Jack:Jack's breakup coaching: 'You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tinfoil. You must be ruthless. You must be absolute. Remember always, you are The Exterminator.'

Liz · Jack:Liz shouts 'I AM THE EXTERMINATOR!' at the top of her lungs; Jack immediately whispers: 'Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here, okay?'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'What is your contingency plan for a crapstorm of this magnitude?' Pete: 'There is none. We go live in a half an hour.' Jack: 'No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships.'

Jack:No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships. You have no exit strategies.

Jack:Jack suggests they might be saved by: 'Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. How's Gerald Ford's health?'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Yes, this blackout is a fortunate coincidence.' Liz: 'You didn't do it, right?' Jack: 'What, do you think I control the universe?'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'Tattoo's fake, Donaghy. Fake.' Jack: 'Street cred. He's a genius.'

Jack · Vendor:In the dark, a vendor shouts 'Flashlight, $20!' — repeatedly, creating a rhythmic backdrop to Jack encouraging Liz. Jack: 'Be strong, Lemon. Don't let Dennis chew his way out of this one.'

Jack · Liz:Jack complimenting Liz on the Stone Phillips wig: 'I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger, and more confident, and I think you should consider it.'

Jack · Liz:Jack bumped Jenna because she 'does commercials for ShopRite' — Liz defends her: 'Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.'

Jack:Jack: 'That's why my job is way better than yours. /Way better.'

Jack:Jack: 'You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the war on terror is won.'

Conan · Jack:Conan: 'Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight. You, black Irish bastard.' / Jack: 'Back at you, man.'

Jack:Jack's dismissal: 'Lemon, this is not open mike night at the Bryn Mawr student union.'

Jack:Jack's pitch: 'Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills, they named Welch's grape juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers' mind grapes.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'That doesn't even make sense.' Jack: 'No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.'

Jack:Jack: 'What else is on my mind grapes?'

Jack · Pete:Pete wearing the Stone Phillips wig walks into the hall; Jack double-takes and says 'Hey, Jack Attack. Sorry, I should have kept that one in the old brain box.'

Jack · Pete:Jack to Pete: 'Did you know that men with full heads of hair on average earn 17% more than their bald counterparts? / I did not know that. / Perhaps it's because bald men are generally less informed than men with full heads of hair.'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Pull my hair. Right now, go ahead. Pull my hair.' / Pete pulls it. / Jack: 'I'm just kidding. It's real.'

Jack · Liz:When I first met Jack Welch, I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes. / That's fine. Do that. / I don't know. Might be distasteful if Randy's widow's in the audience.

Jack:Jack says Tracy's doctor Spaceman is 'an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist.'

Liz · Jack:The rehearsal disaster — clearly something goes wrong (Liz: 'Is that rehearsal? Oh no--Oh!') followed by Jack's irritated 'No, this Tracy situation is really...' and Jack dismissing it: 'Are we still talking about that? Do I have to come in and run your show?'

Jack · Pete:Pete walks in wearing the wig; Jack does a double-take: 'Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you, handsome?'

Jack · Liz:Jack, still in a tuxedo, asks Liz for another zinger for the Jack Welch event — Liz asks when it is. 'February.' 'Why are you wearing a tux?' 'It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?'

Jack:Jack: 'That is terrific. I really enjoyed that. But, do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.'

Liz · Jack:That is terrific. I really enjoyed that. / But, do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.

Jack:It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?

Jack · Liz:Jack takes back the prescription bottle from Liz with 'Hey, you did good, kid. Give me that.' — and apparently pockets the pills.

Jack:Allergies are all in the mind, Lemon. I used to have a wicked peanut allergy. And now, witness.

Jack · Liz:Let's just say she's a high-ranking African-American member of the Bush administration. / Are you dating Condoleeza Rice?

Jack:I'm choosing to ignore that remark on the basis that you are a godless, glassy-eyed Clintonista.

Jack · Liz:Jack shows Liz two gifts: an attaché case vs. 'this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place'

Jack:I know what I know. Next time I see Putin, I'm gonna kick his teeth in.

Jack:Well, you have to admit there's always time for Tony Blair. There's always time for Bashar al-Assad. But there's never any time for Jack Donaghy, and that's a problem.

Jack · Dennis:That's why I'm always dating 20-year-olds. / Nah, let me tell you about 20-year-olds, my friend. Half of them are 16.

Dennis · Jack:It's like my cousin Teddy's dog. Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas. / So Jack, in this example, Liz is the dog. / And I am my feet.

Jack · Liz:Guess where I was last night. / Mark Foley's pajama party. / No. / Kandahar.

Liz · Jack:Well, I'm glad things are working out for you and your mystery lady. / Well, actually, they're not. I broke up with her. / Really? What happened? / Well, I finally realized that we're not compatible. I mean, I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu Ghraib?

Jack:Jonathan, these cheap phones keep on shattering!

Jack:Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off.

Jack:Lemon, do you realize that your little show accounts for 3% of our revenue but takes up 90% of my time?

Kenneth · Jack · Kenneth:Good morning, Mr. Donaghy! / Go to hell. / No, thank you.

Jack:But to that woman, I'm always gonna be the punk kid who cried when Pop was run over by a mail truck.

Jack:I bought my mother a lovely retirement home. In Florida. With a tea garden and fake rocks made of foam because she falls down a lot.

Jack:Got everything she needs except a phone. I told those people, I made it clear, do not give her a phone.

Jack:It's her. It's always her. [Phone rings, Jack is terrified]

Jack:Josh Gerard's father is an assassin with the Russian mafia. They call him El Matador.

Jack · Tracy:For being so understanding, I'm sending you our new super top secret invisible motorcycle. / For reals? / [laughing] For realses.

Jack:Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to see a doctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Jack:I should have known this was going to be a problem when I decided to mentor a woman.

Jack:Don't say you're the only man I'll ever love. Even babies know that's creepy.

Jack:If your child is a terrific hockey player and a gifted flautist, don't make them play the National Anthem on the flute in front of their teammates.

Liz · Jack:Maybe her heart broke because she spent 20 years raising you and you're a total ingrate. / That's exactly what she said.

Jack · Jack's Mother (Colleen):Hello, Mother. So nice to hear your voice... I know that things have been difficult for you lately and I was thinking, you carried me for nine months. Let me carry you now. / Well, right back at you, Colleen!

Jack:Yeah, that's right! You cut Pop's balls off! And left him in the street to die!

Jack · Liz:The Jack/Liz phone impersonation sequence: both characters on the phone, speaking in sync, finishing each other's sentences: 'If I mention anything crazy... like an invisible motorcycle... it means I'm off my meds... and should be ignored.'

Jack:Please don't hurt me. I can't help it. It just pours out of me. I'm Jack Donaghy. I'm important. I just bought the moon. Oh, my God. I'm doing it again.

Jack:Mother, I love you too. But living together is not gonna work out for me. / Yes, I went this morning. / I don't know, regular consistency?

Jack:And when you're done with that, call my wife and tell her I'm sorry about what happened with me and Keith and them.

Liz · Jack:One minute I was holding the baby in make-up and then suddenly... It was like highway hypnosis. You know, when you pull into your driveway but you don't remember driving home? / Oh, right right. / And you have someone else's baby in your car.

Jack:Oh, yes. I'm a big fan of kidnapping. Especially by my middle management.

Jack:That's going up. [Jack's reaction to Liz's self-empowerment speech]

Jack · Tracy:Jack on the phone with Maureen Dowd while Tracy interrupts him — Jack saying 'I miss you too' and 'You're breaking up' while Tracy is standing right there demanding money

Jack · Tracy:Tracy: 'I need $60,000, or I'm gonna lose my house.' Jack: 'Which house?' Tracy: 'I need $100,000, or I'm gonna lose both my houses!'

Jack · Tracy · Grizz:Jack: 'Who's your money manager?' Tracy: 'Grizz.' Grizz: 'Worldcom, man. Worldcom.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'You must know Arsenio. Hall or Billingham?' Tracy: 'You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?'

Jack:Because of Arsenio's 'woof-woof' catchphrase, they settled on dog food, which was a runaway success

Jack:Jack: 'I forgot about that Worldcom mess. Why you gotta be so obsessed with telecommunications?'

Jack:Jack interrupting the meeting: 'No, you've got to tell them that when Paris Hilton tries to make out with the bear, the bear has to act like he's into it.'

Jack · Whoopi Goldberg:Jack: 'Well, it's certainly not the worst celebrity product idea I've ever heard.' Cut to: 'Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg. And you're Working Out With Whoopi.'

Jack:Jack explains GE's corporate ownership chain: GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which owns JMI of Stanford, which owns Pokerfastlane.com, which owns the Sheinhardt Wig Company, which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns Ahp Chanagi Party Meats of Pyongyang, North Korea — 'And they will make the Meat Machine.'

Jack:Jack: 'I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?' (in response to being asked if he likes Phil Collins)

Jack:Jack: 'Well, it would be rude not to take... one or two.'

Jack · Liz · Kenneth:Jack: 'I can barely keep a lid on the feud going on between Kenneth and Dougie from props.' Long pause as Jack and Liz stare at the monitor showing Kenneth and Dougie — Kenneth hiding behind a cart, Dougie menacing.

Tracy · Kenneth · Jack:Multiple Meat Machines exploding grease, injuring Kenneth: 'Ow, ah! Cheese and crackers, that smarts!' / 'The grease burned me, Mr. Jordan.' / 'That one must be defective.' / 'They ALL must be like that!'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Burning jets of grease, huh? Were any of our people hurt?' / Pete: '—Only Kenneth.' / Jack: 'Good.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'We can't sell this... in the United States.' / Tracy: 'What?' / Jack: 'We simply have to find a market with lax safety regulations.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'How about the Ukraine?' Tracy: 'Not the Ukraine.' Jack: 'I own some property on the Dnieper River.' Tracy: 'In Volyn?' Jack: 'Closer to Cherkasy.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'I can't put my name on a product that's gonna hurt people.' Jack: 'That's disappointing. Although I admire your integrity.'

Jack · Jenna · Liz:Jack arrives on the TGS stage where Jenna and Liz are fighting: 'Ladies.' Long beat as they freeze, staring at him. 'Sit down.'

Jack:Jack: 'They've adapted The Rural Juror? I'm a huge Kevin Grisham fan.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Even when I wanted you out of here, she wouldn't give in. I've never seen her so worked up. She came at me with that angry little badger face of hers.' Jack looks at Liz making the badger face. 'There it is right now.'

Jack:Jack: 'The one time I try to take your side, Lemon, and you sandbag me.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'I gave the Meat Machine to Whoopi.' Jack: 'Goldberg or Billingham?'

Jack:Jack's TV show pitches: 'A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight?'

Jack:Jack shows off the thing he welded at the locomotive factory: a small, apparently useless metal object

Jack · Kenneth:Jack: 'I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.'

Jack:'I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack arrives late to his first day as Kenneth's subordinate and Kenneth reprimands him: 'Well, don't let it happen again.'

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Tracy's first task for Jack and Kenneth: 'I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.'

Jack:Jack orders a new salad and threatens the waiter with a time machine so he could 'go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant'

Jack · Liz · Jenna:Jack offers to make coffee for Liz and Jenna, who both decline — then Jack smoothly pivots back to authority mode in the hallway

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth's tube sock full of bird seed: 'Is this tube sock filled with bird seed? / Yes, sir. / Just put it in the basket with the others.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack asking Kenneth about his 'life plan' — Kenneth misunderstands and explains his cleaning pattern

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth fires Jack: 'You're fired. / I beg your pardon? / You said I'm your boss for today. So I fire you.'

Jack · Liz · Gray:Jack encountering Liz and Gray on the street: 'Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. Maybe you should go home.'

Jack:Jack's response: 'Oh, my. How did he get that up there?' — looking at something on the ceiling after Kenneth's speech

Jack:Jack's TV pitches to Kenneth: 'An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?'

Jack:Jack asks Kenneth to choose between shows: 'An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?'

Jack:Jack's fantasy of CBS's Les Moonves calling: 'Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night.' Moonves: 'Give me your fingernails!' Jack: 'No!'

Jack:Jack: 'You've got it up there, now snap it off.' — responding to the modest demands, impatient to close

Jack · Kenneth · contestant Jeff:Gold Case game show taping — the first contestant immediately picks the correct case and wins

Jack · second contestant:Gold Case second attempt — another contestant also immediately picks the correct case: 'Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it?'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack's final shutdown: 'This game doesn't work. / Okay, my bad. Shut it down. Shut it down!'

Jack:'At least you got a clock radio out of it, right?'

Jack:Jack's final Gold Case verdict: 'Whose idea was this? / This is pathetic. A joke. This whole show is a joke.'

Jack:Final Gold Case line: 'This is pathetic. A joke. This whole show is a joke.' — delivered about Gold Case but also meta-referential to 30 Rock itself

Jack · Liz:Lemon, could I speak with you alone for a moment? / That's what your sister asked me last night. Booyah!

Liz · Jack:Jack asks what Liz knows about the Hapsburg empire and she says she studied 'Theatre tech'

Liz · Jack:Would I have to wear high-heel shoes? / Yes. / This will be good for you.

Jack · Liz:You're even wearing lipstick. / No. They're just really chapped.

Liz · Jack:Jack presents Liz with the dress — Liz goes to shake his hand, hurts herself on the box, reacts with 'Ow! That really hurt my hand! Dag! Who does that?!'

Jack · Liz:At the party, Liz asks if it's a date; Jack laughs dismissively: 'Lemon, I date socialites and models and actresses, Liz Hurley... in the '90s.'

Bianca · Jack:And how did you two meet? / It was part of the Big Brother Little Sister program.

Jack · Liz:So now I keep it simple. Nothing but endless, meaningless one-night stands with a carousel of super-hot women I couldn't care less about. / That's heartbreaking.

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'I think she pulled out a chunk of my hair.' Jack: 'Really? Where?' Liz shows him. Jack whistles.

Jack:Oh, just to know that she's filled with bile over me warms my heart.

Jack:I had 'lunch' with Martha Stewart and 'dinner' with her daughter, Alexis.

Jack:They're very expensive freshwater clams from the... Cuyahoga River.

Jack:making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then the next, your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.

Liz · Jack:You taught your dog to poop in a box? / Bianca did. But I want that box.

Jack:I want the art supplies that I gave you on your 40th birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.

Jack:I want all of your parents' love letters.

Jack:Break out a bottle of champagne. But not the one that came with the shellfish, okay? Some other bottle of champagne.

Jack:I'm divorced, everyone! Who wants to grab a drink?

Jack · Tracy:Just one quick one. / I got to be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00.

Jack:We got to order some more champagne, go and jump on my helicopter and buzz Trump Tower until Don comes out on the roof and begs us to stop.

Jack:That is the weak married man inside you talking. I used to be like you. Always remember — marriage is a competition. And after 18 years of overtime, I am finally going to claim victory.

Jack:She is the succubus from the bowels of hell. I mean, if I were forced to remember her as I first met her... then, yes, empirically, she is very, very beautiful. But it's what's inside her that really makes her disgusting.

Jack:I wish I could touch her boobs again. She really had a fabulous pair of boobs.

Jack:I admit sometimes I would fantasize about her getting various terminal illnesses, and I would nurse her... to her death. And she would say, 'Johnny, I am in so much pain.' And I would say, 'Just hang in there a little longer, Bianca.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack's pivot at the end of his 'love' speech: '...what are you doing tonight?'

Jack:This is a Krug Clos du Mesnil, and I was saving it for a special occasion. And I thought to myself, 'My God. This is it.'

Jack:Isn't she precious? Hey, fun fact about Vlem. She originally came here to study engineering.

Jack:You tell G.E. light-bulb man, I want 'Sophie's Choice' out of my suite!

Jack · Liz:And I want Bianca to see that I'm moving on. / Well, then maybe you should call Bianca to help you carry your prostitute out of the hotel you were just ejected from.

Liz · Jack:Marry, boff, kill — Bianca. Which do you want to do? / All of them.

Jack:Uh, leave her there. It's nicer than where I found her.

Jack's lawyer · Jack:It's almost like it never happened. / I wouldn't be surprised if that 5-inch scar across my abdomen was suddenly gone.

Jack:I'm gonna shut it down, leave it vacant, open the windows, and let nature have at it.

Jack · Bianca's lawyer · Jack · Bianca:Do it. / The case could be in court for months. / Maybe years. / Damn it, Johnny.

Tracy · Jack:The dude from my checks.

Jack:Okay, false alarm. It turns out she asked him to take it out.

Jack · Liz:being in a foursome with this man can change your life. / You might want to rephrase that.

Liz · Jack:Which one is Geiss again, the bald one? / No. That one. / Where did that come from? / I painted it myself.

Liz · Jack:The one that rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album. / It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?

Jack · Liz:Well, why don't we come up with one and then you can call him that? Like... monkus. Fungdark.

Liz · Jack:Don't tell me to calm down, you fungdark. / Yeah, you're right. It doesn't work.

Jack:Tomorrow I'm gonna be in an intense six-hour foursome with three other men. / And one of them will be Don Geiss and he's gonna get all of my attention. / And you're just gonna sit back and watch.

Jack:I believe Tracy's referring to Carlton, the straight-laced brother from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, 1990 through 1996. On NBC.

Jack:Are we having fun or what?

Jack:God, it's like dating Katie Couric all over again.

Jack · Tracy:Remind me, Tracy, what did you tell the president of Warner Brothers? / Told him he could suck it. / And the president of Paramount? / Told her she could kiss my delicious ass. / And how's that working for you?

Jack:instead of Ted, who's best known for getting caught using a corporate credit card at a gay strip club.

Jack:I'm sorry, Amanda, you were bound to find that out eventually.

Liz · Jack:Did you win your golf parade? / Even better. Next weekend Tracy and I are gonna double team Don Geiss with our big ideas.

Liz · Jack:Jack is found in the women's bathroom; 'This is the men's room.' / 'Oh!'

Jack:All right, champ. It's nonny time.

Jack:It's a video of a baby panda... sneezing. Sit here. Don't watch the mother, just watch the baby.

Jack:We're synergizing backward overflow.

Jack:Now, there are 140 people on this show, so go out there and make 126 people very happy.

Jack · Eddie:Eddie Donaghy. As I live and breathe. You're a disgrace! You're not the boss of me, Jack Donaghy! That's Dona-gee, not Dona-hee!

Jack · Eddie:You ruined my suit! Aw, shut up, you baby!

Jack:My dad and Eddie are a blotch on the Dona-hee name--

Jack · Liz Lemon:That's how it's pronounced. Say it. Donaghy. Right.

Eddie · Jack:Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy. Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket! / I had sex with your prom date. / I stole your identity. / I threw you out of a window. / I convinced you you had lupus. / I microwaved your parakeet. / I hated that bird.

Jack · Eddie:Maybe we should get all the Donaghy kids back together again. Aw, Jack, they don't wanna see me. Oh, come on, we're Irish. We're a forgiving people.

Jack:Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the church lately. You know, because of The Da Vinci Code.

Jack:This is, uh, Margaret. We just found out about her today.

Jack:Well, we've been toasting Pop for over an hour now. Maybe we should pace ourselves.

Jack:And if I don't have any accountants--

Jack:Lemon, is this about a boy?

Jack:Flower guy? Lemon, you've gone chicken killer on me over a guy whose name you don't know?

Jack:That's...very sad.

Jack:I want you... to punch your sister in the face.

Jack:I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon. I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

Jack:To know that they'll be there after I'm dead, fighting over my corpse before it's cryogenically frozen.

Jack:I gave him and my dad a three-day head start out of love and sportsmanship.

Jack:As always, it's been a pleasure fighting with you.

Jack · Liz Lemon:Oh, I had to rehire that Liz Lemler that you fired. / And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion too. / It's an amazing opportunity for her out at, uh, corporate headquarters. / In Connecticut?

Jack:It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.

Jack:Oh, no, you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.

Jack:Whether things are good, or bad, or you're simply eating tacos in the park. There is always the crushing guilt.

Don Geiss · Jack:What's that film where he turned into a dog? / 'Fat Bitch,' sir. / That's it. I love it. / Boy, that's a great film.

Jack:Jack looks at himself in the mirror/reflective surface and says 'I'm sorry I let you down.'

Jack · Liz:You've been avoiding me, Lemon. / How do you do that without turning around?

Jack:To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Phoebe · Jack:Those were such lovely pieces. The ruby-and-diamond cluster ring was particularly exquisite. / Yeah, that was her engagement ring.

Jack:I took the money from the sale of those pieces, and I bought a sailboat. And I named it after my ex-wife, and I sank it.

Jack:It's true... the Bianca Blows is somewhere at the bottom of the Peconic Bay.

Jack:I wish I were a horse... strong, free... my chestnut haunches glistening in the sun.

Jack:I'm not a creative type like you with your work sneakers and your left-handedness.

Liz · Jack:His name is Floyd. / That's unfortunate.

Jack:I'd like to meet the man that made Liz Lemon shirk her responsibilities. Let's say Priscille, 9:00... be sure to wear a tie.

Jack · Floyd Jr.:The only other 'Floyd' I ever knew was this Korean barber who used to cut my hair down in the 50th Street subway station. / That's my dad. I'm Floyd Jr. / I'm just kidding.

Jack:Lemon, I want to kiss your boyfriend on the mouth.

Jack · Floyd · Pete:What are you drinking? / Club soda. / Oh, that's a shame. Pete.

Liz · Floyd · Jack:Yeah, yeah. No, it's very nice. / Jack bought me this painting. / Wow. / Um... is that lion eating the horse? / Or perhaps it's eating universal healthcare.

Liz · Floyd · Jack:Floyd's phone texting exchange with Jack: Jack texts 'Good night' / 'And sleep tight' / 'And don't let the bed...' / 'All right, enough. Give me that.'

Jack · Liz:'Lemon, is that you?' / 'I always sign it Floydster.'

Jack:The champagne cork/cabin pressure story: 'I don't give a damn about the masks. I'm on all fours trying to shove the corks back in the bottles.'

Jack:No. Lemon, you're the third wheel. / Men seek out the company of other men they admire and want to be like. Floyd is me 20 years ago. I'm Don Geiss 30 years ago.

Jack:20 years from now, Floyd will be me, I'm gonna be Don Geiss, and Don Geiss will be dead.

Jack:Not that I blame you, because I could take him away from you if I wanted to.

Jack · Liz:How about some kind of time-share arrangement? You can have him Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. / I don't want Friday. We have a show.

Jack:All right. How about some kind of a time-share arrangement? You can have him Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Jack:I'm having terrible Lemon problems. I'm eating all the time. I mean, who eats 16 flautas after midnight?

Phoebe · Jack:Listen, if you're still interested, there is another piece I'd like to show you... that you might enjoy. / I'll need to take you back to the private office. / This piece is very delicate. / Very few people have handled it. / Oh, God, I hope we're talking about the same thing.

Jack · Phoebe:Will you marry me? / No. / The ruby-diamond cluster. / I bought it back from the anonymous Arab.

Jack:The ruby-diamond cluster. I bought it back from the anonymous Arab.

Phoebe · Jack:How romantic. / Ow. // I'm sorry. / It's okay. // Ow. // Careful, my bones.

Jack:By the hammer of Thor!

Jack:Like 'get away with murdering my first wife' kind of dough.

Jack:You could get that third humidifier you always dreamed about.

Phoebe · Jack:We've just won the auction rights to a fantastic collection of Chinese erotica. Pick out a good one for me.

Jack:That's Bianca's wedding date. It was my idea.

Jack:My Princeton roommate did it the right way. Dated his college girlfriend for 13 years, and the marriage didn't last eight months. And now he's a post-op transgender.

Jack:Phoebe reset my watch to New York time while I was sleeping on the plane.

Jack:You're never gonna lose a job to a guy named Garkel.

Jack · Floyd:Nah, you're not gonna beat that. / Well-played, Garkel.

Jack:Well-played, Garkel.

Liz · Jack:Golf clubs? Not just golf clubs. These clubs once belonged to President Gerald Ford.

Jack:I haven't been above 72nd Street in over a decade.

Jack:We have an attraction that can only be described as... wolf-like. Lupine.

Jack:Who taught Tracy about anagrams?

Jack:For God's sakes, Lemon, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve. And club it up down at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard.

Jack · Jenna:Lemon, TGS without Tracy Jordan is basically a puppet show. / You know, I'm right here.

Liz · Jack · Other Character:Floyd and I are thinking of moving. / No, you're not. / No, you're not. [Jack and someone else simultaneously]

Jack:That's how I ended up with a timeshare in Port Arthur, Texas.

Jack:Yeah, we're all models west of the Allegheny.

Liz · Jack:What is this? / This is Frank's 'Hot Baby' sketch, which is regrettable, but we have no Tracy Jordan and a show in two days.

Jack:Oh, my God. Lemon, Phoebe was right. You are infatuated with me.

Jack:Floyd is moving? / What did you do?

Liz · Jack:Yeah, Jack, I know that you fell asleep on top of her in Paris. / In Paris, France.

Jack:I think you should go. [Jack to Liz, dismissing her]

Jack:Uh, Phoebe, darling, Lemon was just leaving. [Phoebe has arrived to find Liz mid-confrontation]

Jack:Put Floyd's name on that quilt.

Jack:25 sexy moms. 50 sweaty eighth-grade boys. And one beloved American comedy star. This Wednesday on MILF Island.

Jack · Jerry Seinfeld:Besides, you owe me. Remember, St. Barts, I saved your life from that shark? / All right, Jack. I'll come back. But I still think you shot a dolphin.

Jack:There are no bad ideas in brainstorming, Lemon.

Jack · Jerry Seinfeld:Jack's stalling tactics: offering Seinfeld water, tea, coffee, ice coffee, ice tea, juice — 'all right, I'll just... give me a water if that moves it along.'

Jack:I got nothing! You've got to do this for me, please! Oh, god, I've already sold the ad time!

Jack:Lemon, don't ever say you're just you. Because you are better than you. And I am not going to let you give up. This is going to be our year.

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he has a $54 steak he cannot eat due to his secret heart attack and asks Liz to eat it in front of him

Liz · Jack:Liz says the steak will make a great sandwich tomorrow; Jack insists she eat it right now, in front of him

Jack · Liz:'Pillowy abyss of a lover's bosom' — Jack tells Liz to ignore that part of the Geiss quote

Liz · Jack:Liz asks: 'By talking about sex in a sailing magazine?' Jack responds: 'That's exactly how Margaret Thatcher did it.'

Jack · Liz:Jack turns around to find Liz has eaten the entire steak; she claims 'A dog took it. He came out of nowhere.'

Jack:Jack flatly tells Jenna: 'No...no, no, no — you are fat. Now go see Dr. Spaceman right now and get this taken care of.'

Jack:Jack mocks Liz's progressive stance: 'Oh, come on. What, are we back in college freshman year? Let's go to the common room and talk about apartheid.'

Jack:Jack: 'You should be [sorry for caring about the world]; it's a complete waste of time and it prevents you from dealing with this.'

Jack:Jack asks Banks: 'You drawn to the phallic nature of our skyline?' when Banks appears in New York

Jack · Banks:Jack: 'You can't [get married], you're gay.' Banks: 'No, not anymore, friend.' Jack: 'You familiar with the church of practicology?' Banks: 'You mean the cult that was invented by Stan Lee?' Jack: 'The religion founded by the alien king living inside Stan Lee.'

Jack:Jack reveals that Alan Garkel in legal 'doesn't really need that wheelchair'

Jack:Jack's diplomatic response about Jenna: 'Oh, her center of gravity is a little different.'

Devin/Banks · Jack:Devin tells Jack he'd never rat him out about the heart attack — 'Wouldn't want to let you off that easy.' Then offers Jack steak, noting he 'could never eat this much meat.' Jack replies: 'That's not what I hear.'

Jack · Geiss:Episode ends with a callback: Jack is now the one being watched eating a steak. Geiss asks 'You mind if I watch you eat that?' — mirroring the opening scene.

Jack:Jack gestures grandly at New York City telling what appears to be a child or subordinate 'one day sir, this whole city will be yours'

Jack · Liz:Liz interrupts the moment and Jack immediately responds 'Oh hey, can I talk to you? You always ruin everything.'

Liz · Jack:'What animal best describes you?' / 'An eagle with the head of a bear.' / 'Thank you. Your respect means the world to me, Lemon.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he hired a private investigator to investigate himself

Jack · Liz:Jack deflects Liz's therapy talk by using a fake phone call: '- ring ring! - Hello. I'm sorry, I have to take this.'

Jack · Liz:Jack turns Liz's therapy overshare back on her: 'Well, you do the same thing with your therapist every week, don't you?'

Jack · Jenna:Jack to Jenna: 'And on a personal level, I just like you more when you're fat.'

Jack:Jack: 'I was at the 1976 Democratic National Convention — but it's okay, I was there beating up hippies.'

Jack:Jack's family skeletons: 'My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools. My cousin Tim fixes NBA games. My mother's an olympic-level racist. But as for the rest, they're too drunk to do much of anything.'

Lenny · Jack:PI: 'Any weird sex stuff I should know about?' / 'You know what? Don't tell me. I like to find that out on my own. I'm a watcher.'

Jack · Lenny:Jack defends his all-white country club: 'That is not an all-white club. What about Johnny Carlos? He's ethnic.' / 'He's the King of Spain, Jack. I don't think that counts.'

Jack:Jack on his undocumented worker: 'I could never pay an English-speaking person that little. They'd starve.'

Lenny · Jack:The PI's final question: 'You don't have a massive collection of cookie jars, do you?' — followed by a long pause and Jack: 'How did you find out about that?'

Jack:Jack attending a cookie jar collectors convention under the pseudonym 'Victor Nightingale' — 'Collector of the Year. Congratulations, Victor Nightingale.' / 'Thank you. Yes, I'm Victor Nightingale.'

Jack:Jack: 'You wish it was a gay thing. This is worse.'

Jack · Lenny:Lenny presents a fake photo of Giuliani with antique wooden dolls, then: 'That's a fake! Giuliani doesn't collect dolls.' / 'Yeah, you're right. He doesn't. Because he incinerated them! In 1989, the year he ran for mayor. He looks so happy.'

Jack · Lenny:Jack, handing over his cookie jars: 'They'll be taken to Jersey City and incinerated.' / Jack immediately: 'Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I can't have that — give that to me.'

Jack · Liz:Jack's cookie jar that says 'Mom' on it — which he insists is 'an upside-down wow'

Jack:Jack's backstory: 'We never had any cookie jars in my home because my mother never baked us any cookies because she never felt we deserved any cookies.'

Jack:Jack: 'The guy with the weird hobby never gets the corner office.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.' / Liz: 'A businesswoman.' / Jack: 'I don't think that's a word.'

Jack:Jack explains his strategy for Angie: 'I think you're gonna have to fight her.' — then breaks down the tactical approach: 'I think Angie's right-handed, so you have to work her clockwise.'

Jack:'Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em. You have a gimpy left knee, right?'

Jack · Liz:Jack physically demonstrates fighting technique on a reluctant Liz: 'You want to lean in to take away their momentum. Hands up, come on!' / 'I don't want to.' / 'Lean in, come on.' / 'Oh, Jack, stop it!'

Jack:Jack looks at the cookie jar: 'Ah, look at that kooky old cookie jar. I like the upside-down 'wow' on it.'

Jack:Jack: 'Some people have so many problems that there aren't enough cookie jars in the world to contain them.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack gives his entire collection to Kenneth — then instructs him on proper handling: 'Always hold them squarely at the base, never by the lid.' And signs off as: 'Tell Patty and Beth and all of them that Vic Nightingale says hello.'

Jack:Final line: 'Are you happy now, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.' [Jack, presumably to the cookie jar or GE itself]

Jack:The GE Followship Award — presented annually to the person who best exemplifies a follower

Jack:Jack uses the word 'adverlingus' to describe product integration

Liz · Jack:He has a microwave for a head! But it's such an excellent GE microwave.

Jack · Liz:Where do you invest your money, Liz? / I have, like, 12 grand in checking. / Are you an immigrant?

Jack:You go forth and be crazy... except no dog fighting, okay? That seems to be the one thing that's off limits these days.

Frank · Jack:Barry the humping dog is shopping for a GE washer and dryer. / Have not seen that before. / Sharp idea.

Jack:Fire her. And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.

Jack · Jonathan · Liz:Yes, you can. It's easy. Observe. Jonathan, you're fired! / What? No! God, no! No, I won't fire her.

Liz · Jack:You're like the talking mailbox. / I'm gonna assume that's a Haldeman reference. In which case, I thank you.

Jack:No, this is my show. And once a week I rent it out to the good people at the erectile dysfunction companies.

Jack:Suck it up, nerd.

Jack · Tracy:Tracy, what if I told you that the one thing you cannot do is therapy? / You're not my dad! We're doing therapy!

Tracy · Jack:All I know is he's from funky north Philly. He worked in a Campbell's soup factory. And he had a droopy lip due to an unattended root canal. / I think I can do this.

Jack · Tracy:The therapy roleplay scene spirals into Jack playing multiple characters (Tracy's dad, his mom, a white stepfather, a Latina neighbor Mrs. Rodriguez) with increasingly absurd results

Jack · Tracy · Therapist:Hey, dummy! / I'm mad at you too. Why you gotta act out that way? / That's not exactly what I had in... / 'Cause you left me, dad! / I was young and confused and your moms didn't want me around no more. Now, pass me them damn collard greens!

Jack:Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man. And you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe, doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just 'cause I'm proud of my son.

Jack · Tracy:They got me. The honkeys shot me. / No, dad! Don't die! I love you, dad! / I don't wanna dog fight no more!

Jack:You know, it's too bad you didn't know Howard Cosell when you were growing up. 'Cause I had that one in my pocket the whole time.

Jack:Jack: 'Never go with a hippie to a second location.'

Liz · Jack:I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that? / With my eyes closed.

Liz · Jack:Oh, and by the way, I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever. / You should, that woman is unemployable.

Liz · Jack:Rosemary says that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked. / You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.

Jack · Liz:Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch. / I'll change it. [beat] / Hey, what about cat penises?

Jack:We're going green, Lemon. And do you know why? To save the earth? So we can drain the remainder of its resources.

Jack · Jared:Greenzo is America's first non-judgmental, business-friendly environmental advocate. The free market will solve global warming, if that even exists.

Jack:They love him in every demographic. Colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

Jack:Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with a Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.

Jack:I could make up some excuse, Kenneth, but I have too much respect for you. During your party, I'll be home listening to some Schubert. And, uh, ironically, viewing some Canadian pornography.

Jack:Bob Logan from Texas Instruments is gonna be there? Logan must be in contention for the CEO spot as well.

Jack:Well, before, when I told you I didn't wanna come to your party, I was just kidding! Isn't that a fantastic joke?

Jack:So that's the way you wanna play this?

Jack:Sold by our company. [Jack's quiet response to Greenzo's pitch about green technology]

Liz · Jack:Wow, is that true? / It doesn't matter if it's true. He works for that money.

Jack:I knew we should have gone with Angie Harmon.

Jack:You either get on board, or you're gonna wake up on that island with Phil Donahue and the electric car.

Jack:We're developing that technology!

Jack · Al Gore:I may have gotten him here under false pretenses. / So I'm excited to see this trash-powered car of yours.

Al Gore · Jack:We met when Jack was an intern for Senator Ted Kennedy. Let me tell ya, Jack was the most liberal guy—

Jack:Al, we're with you on this whole planet thing. I mean, look at the set we built with the smiley-face earth and some green things.

Jack:Yes, or... you could put on a silly hat and tell the kids how outsourcing means cheaper toys at Christmas.

Jack:Oh boy, okay. This earth is ruined! We gotta get a new one.

Jack · Liz:Don't panic, Lemon. It's probably not a chemical attack. / What do you mean 'probably'?

Jack:It's probably just a strange wind pattern coming off those factories in Staten Island, where food flavors are made.

Jack · Liz:I don't think it's Northrax. / What's Northrax? / It's a chemical agent we sold to the Saudis in the 1980s. It smells exactly like maple syrup. But I don't think this is it. / Well, how do you know? / Because Northrax kills you within ten seconds.

Jack · Barber:Make me look like this. / Right, like that's a stretch.

Jack:After all, your hair is your head suit.

Liz · Jack:Um, I don't think he's real. / Oh, I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.

Jack · Unnamed Conservative:When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males. / Good lord, Donaghy. Did you comb your hair with a chicken bone?

Jack:Sheinhardt Wig Company pin — 'NOT POISONING RIVERS SINCE 1997' on the back

Jack · C.C.:Whiskey, straight up. / I'll have a white rum with diet ginger ale and a splash of lime. / Wow, I never would have pegged you for a University of Tennessee sorority girl.

Waiter/Kenneth · Jack:Sir, here's your Nancy Drew. / For men, it's called a Hardy Boy.

Jack · C.C.:And thank you for letting me try the thing I tried. I'm... sorry I dropped you. / Oh, no, it was great. I mean, who knew that ottoman had wheels, right?

Jack · C.C.:You didn't tell me you're a congresswoman! / I just ended my first year. / [cutaway to TV showing her attacking Sheinhardt]

Liz · Jack:I think my middle eastern neighbor is a terrorist, and I don't know what to do. / That's ridiculous, Lemon. Some of our greatest patriots have been of Middle Eastern descent. And I'm appalled to hear you engage in racial profiling like that. [beat] I'm kidding. Be an American — call it in.

Jack · Liz:If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions... / I know, right?

Jack · C.C.:Nice ring tone, Jack. / That's not my ring tone. I hate that San Francisco sound. / How am I calling myself?

Jack · C.C.:These Verizon Wireless phones are just so popular. I accidentally grabbed one belonging to an acquaintance. / Well, sure, 'cause that Verizon Wireless service is just unbeatable. I mean, if I saw a phone like that on TV, I would be like, 'Where is my nearest retailer so I can...get one?'

Jack:God, I wanna kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

Jack · C.C.:They have no other documented health problems, you know. / They're ORANGE!

C.C. · Jack:In 1998, I got shot in the face by my neighbor's dog. / Oh, C.C., I'm so— wait, what?

Jack:You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.

Tracy · Jack:I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub. / Oh, she would never do that, Tracy. She's a very special woman.

Jack:I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant, and she does it like her dad's a minister.

Pete · Jack:Some dudes took Raheem last night. / Sounds like an American hero saw something and said something.

Jack · Pete:You seem to be defending Raheem an awful lot. I'd hate to have to make another phone call. / No, we're cool. Uh, I renounce Raheem. Raheem's a bad guy. USA number one!

Jack · Tracy:I've gotta go somewhere, and I can't be seen, and cabs don't go there. / Sure, where is it? / Clinton's office in Harlem. / I know where that building is. I get my Jamaican meat pies there.

Jack:How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that western omelet at 4:00 A.M.

Jack:We'll ignore our differences till the sex goes bad, then we'll... walk away bitter and angry.

Jack:What do you say we go find a spot and defile this place?

Liz's neighbor · Liz · Jack:Hey! I made waffles. / Thank god. / Yeah.

Jack:Big night, Lemon? Let me guess. Meatball sub, extra bread, bottle of NyQuil, TiVo 'Top Chef,' a little Miss Bonnie Raitt, lights out.

Jack:Then you won't mind when I tell you that Casey gets voted off tonight.

Jack:Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

Jack:Jack's story about his high-school baseball team winning despite being 'all white' against a team that was 'completely...' trailing off

Jack:That's right. You shoot for the stars.

Jack:That's why I sponsor a charity that gives away tuxedoes to homeless people. It was a beautiful ceremony. Mazel tov.

Liz · Jack:I can't believe I did that. I told myself I would never lie about my age. / These things happen, Liz. I had my 'no sex with Asians' rule. But then one day you walk into Sharper Image, and there's Quan.

Jack:It's like this great country of ours. We can go into any nation, impose our values, and make things better. It's what Bush is doing all over the globe.

Jack:Where did you two meet? An Amber Alert?

Jack:Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?

Jack:Where did you two meet? An Amber Alert?

Jack:Boy, the art in here is hung really level.

Jack:You've got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

Jack:He's hot, poor, and eager to please. Just buy him a few gifts, never give him your home phone number, and if you set a curfew, stick to it.

Jack · Tracy · Jack · Tracy:Tracy, I only wanted to help. But now things are out of control. We have two options. One, we can cut and run and betray the people that we made this commitment to. Or you and I can form a coalition. / No way, J.D. / Tracy, I thought you cared about these kids. / Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

Kenneth · Tracy · Tracy · Jack:But, sir, every one of them wrote you a letter asking you to come back. / Wow. / Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read them? / Tracy, I'll pay somebody to read them for you.

Jack · Tracy:One word. Surge. / That's two words!

Jack:I can't believe we're winning. I knew the surge would work.

Opposing Coach · Jack:Hey, there's no way that those batters were born after 1993. / These Dominican birth certificates say otherwise.

Jack:All May-December relationships end in humiliation. Sexual incompatibility, social faux pas, meeting their parents. It's classic.

Jack · Liz:A younger companion makes you feel more alive. Opens you up to new experiences, fresh points of view, stimulating conversation. / Stop repeating what I say.

Jack · Liz · Jack · Liz:Of course, there are exceptions. Thank God I'm off the market. / Oh. Are you seeing someone? / What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need. / That's gross, Jack.

Jack:Jack sends his assistant to a nonexistent Italian bakery in Queens to get him out of the way

C.C. · Jack:C.C.'s name tag: 'Lakeesha Gutierrez-Arafat'

Jack · C.C. · Liz:Take off your pants suit. / Right back at you. / Oh! Workplace!

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'That woman you met this morning in my office is not a colleague of mine. We are lovers.' Liz: 'Oh, that word bums me out unless it's between the words meat and pizza.'

Jack:Jack: 'Okay, if I can't say lovers, you can't say feelings.'

Jack:This corporation has a very strict 'bros before hos' policy.

Jack · C.C.:Jack to C.C. about the dinner guest list: 'We had to eliminate anybody with any influence or connections or stature, so that pretty much left you. Then we added Kenneth so you would have somebody to talk to.'

Jack:Jack to Liz, completely sincerely: 'I have to say, you are the most beautiful woman in this room right now.'

Jack:Jack: '$5 million each? That's NBA sexual-assault money.'

Jack:Jack: 'I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.'

Jack · James Carville:Jack and C.C. spot James Carville in the elevator. Jack asks: 'How do you and Mary Matalin make it work? She's a brilliant, patriotic Republican strategist, and you, let's face it, are a pinko nutjob.'

C.C. · Jack:C.C. uses the John Legend CD as a pretense to see Jack: 'I don't know why it was so urgent you have it before noon.' C.C.: 'It was just an excuse.'

Jack:Jack: 'C.C., these people are my peers, my heroes, my past and future Secret Santas.'

Jack:Jack's public announcement: 'She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama. My groovy chick. My old lady. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog.'

Jack:The photo scanner/paper shredder has the switch labeled 'PS' for photo-scan and then trails off implying 'PS' could also mean paper-shred — Jack realizes the fatal design flaw mid-explanation

Liz · Jack:Liz says her family hasn't fought since 'the gas crisis of '79' and 'since Carter left office, it's been pretty smooth sailing.' Jack's reply: 'You got that right.'

Jack:Jack invited his mother 'out of paralyzing Irish guilt' but her plane was grounded by 'Hurricane Zapato' — 'Ha! Look at that. That's where she lives. Jupiter. The eye of the storm.'

Jack · Jonathan:Jack's phone plays 'Jingle Bells' — he tries to dismiss the caller by saying 'Tell her I'm...' but then recognizes it's his mother calling

Colleen · Jack:Colleen walks into Jack's office and immediately says 'Isn't this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion.' Then: 'Only two? I don't like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.'

Colleen · Jack · Liz:Colleen listens to Jack's voicemail from C.C. and asks 'Is she Spanish?' When Jack asks 'What if she was, Mother?', Colleen replies 'My thanks to the peanut gallery.'

Jack:Jack's description of Christmas: 'Sitting with friends and family around a crackling fire, waiting for the owl meat to cook.'

Jack:Jack follows the owl meat line by saying 'Sometimes I don't think you people understand Christmas at all.'

Dick Lemon · Jack:Dick Lemon asks Jack if Liz is 'the best employee you've ever had or what?' — beat — Jack simply replies: 'No.'

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz her family is 'strange' — not because of Mitch's condition, which he accepts immediately — but because her parents seem 'supersupportive.' 'Was she taunting you?'

Colleen · Jack:Colleen inspects the bathroom Jack points her to: 'Well, that is close, isn't it?' — implying the bathroom proximity is alarming, then 'Yeah, I'll be right out.' from inside the bathroom before he can respond.

Jack:After Colleen enters the bathroom, Jack says quietly to himself: 'She should have been there.' — referring to C.C.'s absence

Margaret Lemon · Jack:The Lemons visit Jack's office; Margaret says 'Oh, your mother must be so proud of you!' — implying Colleen is capable of such a thing

Jack · Dick Lemon · Margaret Lemon:Jack about C.C.: 'She is a congresswoman.' Lemons: 'Oh, my goodness! Congresswoman!' / Jack: 'And she does have her own Lifetime movie.' / 'Lifetime! Wowzers!'

Jack:Jack cuts through the Lemons' cheerfulness: 'Why don't we cut the charade and you two tell me what exactly it is you want from me?'

Dick Lemon · Jack:Jack laces up his ice skates; Dick Lemon says 'Jack, you laced those up like a professional.' Jack replies: 'Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?'

Jack:Jack insists he doesn't need the Lemons' positive reinforcement: 'In my case, they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally, and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.'

Jack · Dick Lemon:Jack says 'You wish you were in my family' to Liz — then immediately pivots to asking about the Disney cruise: 'So this Disney cruise in March. Are you in or out?'

Jack:"I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin."

Jack · Colleen:Jack tells Colleen: 'Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.'

Jack:Jack's speech about the NBC Christmas tree: 'That is not a Christmas tree. It's a way to lure tourists into the basement to buy $20 salads.'

Jack:Jack to Colleen: 'See, Mother? Not all species eat their young.' — then immediately: 'Let's change the subject. Politics.'

Dick Lemon · Jack:Lemons say they don't discuss politics: 'Life is too short.' Jack's response: 'Because your life seems endless.'

Jack:The bartender slides a drink to Jack, who quietly says: 'Bingo.'

Liz · Jack:Liz protests the Reverend Gary situation: 'This is not what I meant!' Jack: 'Yes, it is!'

Jack · Colleen · Dick Lemon · Margaret Lemon · Mitch:The Lemon family Christmas dinner descends: Margaret and Dick clearly fighting while Mitch has his crisis; 'Could I have another drink? / Bingo' — structural joke of Jack confirming family dysfunction

Jack · Colleen:Merry Christmas scene — Jack says 'Merry Christmas, Mother.' Colleen: 'Merry Christmas, Jackie. Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse.' / Jack: 'I hate cats.' / Colleen: 'You'll learn to love them.'

Jack:Zip it. Milf Island is on.

Jack · TGS Staff:Who said this? / Not me. / Not me. / It wasn't me. / I wasn't even working that day.

Jack:Remember this? Deborah and Shauna squaring off at Erection Cove.

Jack · Liz:Before she was cast on Milf Island, she was just a struggling actress living in L.A. / Wow, that's inspiring.

Jack:Then I'll be at Erection Cove. Congratulations, Jack.

Jack:When you meet with Deborah, have her do her Indian cab driver impression. She really pulls it off.

Jack · Liz:The critics said that same thing about Shakespeare. / Yeah, but Shakespeare never had a confessional shower sponsored by Dove Pro-Age.

Jack:So you have seen the show.

Jack:It has sex, lies, puberty, betrayal, relay races.

Liz · Jack:I don't think eating bugs to earn tampons... / Episode nine. 22 million viewers.

Jack:You know, if you Google the phrase 'class A moron,' my name pops up first now. So step aside, Randy Quaid.

Jack:When I was a child, I had a terrible stutter... they called me a class A moron... My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen through the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes.

Jack:They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill.

Jack:I feel like I'm back in that boiler room making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner.

Liz · Jack:I'm sorry, did you want something? / I just wanted to tell you... that I've narrowed it down to Toofer or Frank.

Jack · Liz:Mr. Geiss, I-- oh, hello, Vice President Cheney. / I'm gonna kill you. / Yes, I hope Deborah wins as well.

Jack:No, they're not real, unfortunately.

Jack:They called me Stammerhead Shark, lemon. / Mrs. Stutterworth, Stutterfingers... Stuttermilk Pancakes. The butter thing opened up a lot of doors for them.

Jack:Gilly chewed through his headgear.

Jack · Kenneth:Is it because I made you work late last night? Yes, sir. That was it. I was here folding Milf Island tee shirts until 2:00 in the morning. And then you didn't even offer me one.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, do you have anything you want to add? / [long pause] You disgust me.

Jack:Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white-collar pervs, and the obese.

Jack:Kenneth said he was folding tee shirts until 2:00 A.M. But the Post goes to press at midnight. Even if he somehow did bump into a reporter in the elevator, it would be too late.

Liz · Jack:I'm sure the person who said it probably didn't mean it. / No, they meant it. They think I'm a moron, just like Gilly and everyone else. / Even Gilly made fun of you?

Jack · Liz:You know, it's funny, Lemon. I g-guess I'll always b-b-b-be that k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k- [Liz confesses]

Jack:I know.

Jack · Liz:And you do know how you're gonna make this up to me, don't you? / Oh, god. / I've gotta write the Deborah show. She wants to sing in every episode.

Liz · Jack:You knew. How? / No onion rings? Ugh, this place can eat my poo! / You say that word a lot more than you realize.

Jack:I've got to admit I never thought I'd get you. I mean, the stutter, the certificate, Gilly.

Jack:Yeah, well, I made up all that stuff about the extra baby foot too. I made that up — that was to make you feel better.

Jack:Heel, toe, Lemon. Heel, toe.

Jack:I need some women to attend so it doesn't turn into another giant sausage fest.

Jack:C. Nor and I had a falling-out after I switched to another dojo.

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman and your ex-boyfriend. And Dateline predator. Exonerated Dateline predator. The whole thing was one big silly misunderstanding. Like the Giuliani campaign.

Jack:Jonathan, why don't you put on more of that cologne? — delivered by Jack as a way of dismissing the conversation

Jack:Good god. When did the party become so boring? The Democrats have all the good celebrities.

Kenneth · Jack:Oh, no, sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the lord's name. / That's Republican — we count those.

Jack:Tracy. My friend. Have you ever considered becoming the celebrity face of the Republican party?

Jack · Tracy:Do you like lower taxes? / If I paid taxes, I sure would.

Jack · Tracy:How about gun ownership? / Go on.

Jack · Tracy · Dotcom · Jack:And let none of us forget the GOP is the party of Lincoln. / Lincoln was a Republican? / Actually, today's Republican party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority over the states. That's not exactly small government. / Dotcom, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting.

Jack:My cologne is distilled from the bilge water of Rupert Murdoch's yacht.

Tracy · Jack:My fellow blackmericans— / Can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as blackmericans.

Tracy · Jack · Tracy:No matter what, blackmericans are gonna always vote Democrat. / They will, won't they? / Unless... black people, don't vote. Just don't do it.

Jack:Dennis is off the show. I booked the 911 bird. Winston dialed 911 with his beak and said fire, but only because he didn't know the word for rape.

Jack:Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Chinatown to pick up some human growth hormones so that Mr. Jordan's tigers don't realize that he's aging.

Jack:I'd have my assistant sit on his naughty stool if he didn't love it so much.

Jack:The head of the Stress Ball division hanged himself.

Jack:I want my mother to know this before she dies, so she goes to her grave a defeated woman.

Jack:I guess that rules out the Federal Reserve.

Jack:Uh... hugging... so ethnic.

Jack:Geiss has stacked the Board of Directors with the most reliable collection of sycophantic yesmen this side of an Al Franken book signing.

Jack:His golf cronies, his Army buddies, various unemployable family members, and his hunting dogs.

Jack:Why am I smelling self-tanning cream and teeth whitener?

Jack:Once they cast Clay Aiken in Spamalot, I knew it was only a matter of time for you to show up here.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, where do you see yourself in five years? / Realistically, teaching improv on cruise ships.

Liz · Jack:I'm feeling pretty drunk. / Well, it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

Jack:Lemon, you just have to find a subordinate you can push the blame onto. That's why I love Jorgenson here.

Liz · Jack:Jeez, Jack, offer to buy a girl dinner first. / Classic Lemon!

Jack:Hey, nerds! Guess who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi.

Jack:He's like me yesterday. I hate him.

Jack · Devon Banks:Banks, don't do this. Don't marry Kathy. It may not be worth it. / Why not? We're absolutely perfect for each other. She loves that I work out a lot and talk to people.

Jack · Liz:Mr. Geiss? / Oh, blurgh!

Devon Banks · Jack:I hate-respect you. / And I you.

Jack · Devon Banks:I hate-respect you. — And I you.

Jack · Dr. Spaceman:Couldn't you just, you know, inject something right into his heart? / Oh, I'd love to, but we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

Jack · Kathy Geiss:It was Jorgenson's fault! / Fair enough.

Jack:Hillary Clinton is president, sir! I thought I would just try to scare you out of it.

Jack:This morning, I had to cut my own cantaloupe.

Jack:They're moving me from the 52nd floor down to my new office... on 12. 12! You've got to wake up, please!

Jack:By the way, you know who hates unicorns? Mark Wahlberg.

Jack:I've been sleeping with the Cindy Crawford of corporations for the last 22 years. What am I supposed to do? Just lie down with some skank like 3M?

Jack:Bush? Has it gotten that bad? Good God, I'd rather work for an American car company than jump on that sinking ship.

Jonathan · Jack:Jonathan playing 'I Will Remember You' on a recorder as Jack walks away

Jack:Everything's great. Yeah, I'm really... crushing it.

Jack:Why are you going to 12? 12? Did I hit 12? I wanted, uh... 4012, which is 52, where I work. Business.

Jack:The elevator door closes on Jack. He reads the floor indicator. It says 'Failure.'

Jack:I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but, evidently, that's some sort of signal in Chelsea.

Hospital Worker · Jack:You have to leave GE. / What did you say? / Geriatric Extended Care. That's what this wing of the hospital is called.

Jack:It's in their contract.

Jack · Liz:I'm a bitch, I'm a lover? I'm a child, I'm a... Mother!

Jack:You never know when someone's going to slip into a coma and leave you regretting all the things you didn't say or get in writing from the company's lawyers.

Jack:What I'm trying to say is you're... young and you still haven't blown it completely, so don't... start now.

Jack:Jack lists his government responsibilities including 'the War on the Poor'

Jack:Jack mentions 'the cryogenecists are already sharpening their head saws'

Jack · Liz:Liz eating Mexican cheese curls at 8am; 'Don't knock my Sabor de Soledad. I found a prize in here the other day... I hope.'

Jack:Jack's final line before leaving: 'I have to go. It's time for my freedom search.'

Jack:Jack: 'I don't like to think of this President as a lame duck. I think of him as a lame eagle.'

Cooter · Jack:The ceiling is visibly leaking; Cooter insists 'No, it's not. We've looked into it, and it's not.'

Cooter · Jack:No pens in the government office — Cooter has 'gotten used to it' and writes his extension number in the leaking ceiling water

Jack:Jack's speech to the committee about pens escalates to 'We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need pens.'

Jack:Jack hears that Geiss spoke from his coma and said 'Jackie Boy' — and immediately writes his resignation letter

Cooter · Jack:Cooter refuses to accept Jack's resignation because as acting head of the FBC he oversees the EWPC

Jack:Jack's final appeal to Cooter invokes GE's slogan: 'He brings good things to light!'

Cooter · Jack:The pens arrive — but they're all caps: 'Oh, my God! They're caps, nothing but caps!'

Jack · Cooter:Jack's plan to get fired: 'We have to work together to get fired.'

Jack · Cooter:The gay bomb: Jack and Cooter's plan to get fired involves a Pentagon 1994 proposal for a weapon that would 'make enemy soldiers totally gaybones for each other'

Jack:Re: why the gay bomb project was abandoned: 'It would have been expensive, impractical, and offensive to both the red states and the gayer blue states.'

Jack:Jack's aside: 'Like eating a burrito before sex.'

C.C. · Jack:C.C. to Jack: 'I did certain things for you in bed that you were going to reciprocate. But then we broke up before my birthday, so you owe me.'

Jack:Jack's reaction to C.C. agreeing to help: 'Yes! I am so on a roll! No crying in my bath tonight.'

Jack · Liz:The Sabor de Soledad revelation: Mexican cheese curls get their 'special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen' and were causing false positives on pregnancy tests

Jack:Jack: 'Oh, that explains your hair's thickness and shine.'

Jack:'I guess in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.' / Liz: 'They're so good.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals the President gave him a nickname too: 'The Jacker.' Both Jack and Liz react with resignation.

Jack · Cooter:The gay bomb actually works on Jack and Cooter in the committee room — both men start to feel weird

Jack · Liz:Hello, pussycat. / A lot of ladies get right in the car after that line, you creepy piece of... Jack!

Jack:That information is classified at least until Cheney dies. Which is going to be a long time from now. That man is mostly metal.

Jack:So what's with the outfit, Lemon? Did the people at that makeover show finally respond to your letter?

Jack:I'll take it.

Jack:The last time, it took me 22 years. But I know so much more now this time. I think I can do it in nine.

Liz · Jack:And if my home evaluation goes well I will be a mother by 50. / We really can have it all.

Jack · Liz:She touched me. / Who? / Kathy Geiss, she touched me in my swimsuit area.

Jack:It's not at all erotic and fun, like when men do it to women.

Jack:How far would I have to let her go to get my job back? Are we talking over the shirt? Frontsies, backsies? Or would I really have to give her my gift?

Jack:If I pleasure Kathy to get my old job, I'm no better than Devin.

Jack · Liz:Even if it takes five years. / I thought you said nine years? / I was promoted again this morning. I'm now Director of Mail Systems.

Jack:What I'm saying is don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny... Tomorrow I show up for work dressed as a Mexican wrestler.

Jack · Devin:Banks, you've got to get a hold of yourself. / Oh, I'm running it. I have a plan to quadruple profits by the year 2015. / How are you possibly going to do that? / The old-fashioned way, Jack. I'm gonna shut it down. I'm gonna shut the whole thing down for two years.

Jack:I'm going upstairs to doink Kathy Geiss.

Unknown · Jack:Devin's here! / Cover yourself.

Liz · Jack:You smell like strawberries. / That's the lip gloss she put on me so I could be her fancy boy.

Jack:...Dora the Explorer panties that were clearly made for an obese child.

Jack:Kathy's texting me now. She's wondering where my strawberry mouth is.

Jack · Liz · Liz · Pete:Would you like to see the green room? / What? / You mean the nursery! / We gotta get this stuff back to the rental place by 5:00.

Jack · Liz · Jack:Kathy, Bev and I are just friends. / Kathy's the new CEO of our company. / Bev, you better run. She's surprisingly strong.

Jack:I'm gonna give Kathy the full soap opera while you try to trick a lady with a head injury.

Liz · Jack:We might not be the best people. But we're not the worst? / Graduate students are the worst.

Jack · Liz · Kathy:Kathy is my partner. She's hiring me to advise her in all her business matters. / I'm sorry, darling. I've been paranoid ever since that incident with the weather machine. / Kiss, kiss, kiss!

Jack:No... No, thank you.

Devin · Jack:Got any mail for me, Donaghy? / It's all over, Banks.

Jack:The semi-virtuous path.

Jack · Liz:Did you need something else, Lemon? / No, I just like seeing you in there.

Jack:'It's like an owl without a graduation cap — heartbreaking'

Jack:'Court? At night? I'm already laughing. Tell me more.'

Jack:I can't believe I'm saying this to the great Gavin Volure, but Liz Lemon is too good for you.

Jack:'When she's in a foul mood, it can be horribly unpleasant. But, at other times, she is asleep.'

Jack:Jack describes his mother wandering 'at night in Depression-era pettipants'

Jack:Tracy bought 'three hours of network prime time for his salute to Benny Hill'

Jack:'A post-nup, if you will.' — Jack invents the concept of a post-nuptial agreement and names it with formal gravitas

Jack · Stuart:Jack touching the head of a small stranger to get their attention, then saying 'I had to do something to get your attention'

Jack · Liz:Jack to Liz: 'I like aggressive women with a nerdy vibe. How about we grab some coffee and explore this?' — hitting on Liz while she's standing next to Stuart

Jack:'It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile guidance system we sell.'

Angie · Tracy · Jack:Angie: 'Baby, I'm going to be with you until the very end. I'm going to watch you die, Tracy Jordan.' / Tracy: 'She's done it before, Jack.'

Jack:Jack casually reveals he's 'co-producing' the Janis Joplin biopic as a corporate synergy move

Jack:Jack: 'You can't fight synergy, Lemon. It's bigger than all of us.'

Jack · Stuart:Jack: 'Jack Donaghy. Senior V.P. for Television and Microwave Oven Programming.' / Stuart: 'Stuart LaGrange. U.N. High Commission on Water Temperature and Food Taint.'

Jack · Stuart · Liz:Jack asks how Stuart and Liz met; Stuart explains: 'Liz, here, just saw me on the street and went for it.' / Jack: 'Lemon did that?' / Stuart: 'Yeah, you know me. Spend my lunch hour walking up and down Sixth Avenue... looking for a hot meal.'

Jack:Jack: 'Classic Lemon man-eater. Cat sound.'

Tracy · Jack:There he is! I owe you, Jackie 'D'. When I'm on my death bed, Frenching my wife, I will think of you. / Please don't.

Jack · Elisa:Jack: 'It's 7:00. Why don't I hear my mother yelling go home to the Asian contestant on Jeopardy?' / Elisa: 'Because she's asleep.' / Jack: 'Really? How did you do that?' / Elisa: 'I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people.'

Jack · Elisa:Jack receives gold shoes from Tracy as a thank-you gift

Jack:Jack's reaction to the gold shoes: 'My nephew just joined the Marines to try to pay for college, but... that's fun.'

Jack · Elisa:Jack's life philosophy: 'You come in alone. You go out alone.' / Elisa: 'That's the saddest thing I ever heard.' / Jack: 'There's nothing sad about it at all, actually. I have a great life. Tonight, I'm going out with a Fox News correspondent. We'll have some dinner, some laughs, some sex... not necessarily in that order.'

Jack:Jack: 'Without getting into specifics, my exit involves a McFlurry machine and a videotape of risqué commercials from overseas.'

Jack:Jack at dinner with Elisa's family: 'The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of, uh... any of it... she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes.'

Jack:'I have something on my ball.' — Jack to a waiter offering a towel

Jack:Jack tells Elisa: 'Had a good hour's sleep last night. Took a few showers.' — clearly disturbed about something

Jack · Elisa:Jack: 'I found a lump.' Elisa: 'On your testicle? Let me see it.'

Jack · Elisa:Elisa does the medical exam in rapid Puerto Rican Spanish; Jack is subdued and confused: 'What?' / 'You're talking so fast' / 'Is that the subjunctive?'

Jack · Elisa:Elisa performing the medical examination in rapid Spanish — Jack bewildered: 'You're talking so fast. Is that the subjunctive?'

Jenna · Jack:Jenna, asked if we need a 'mythical soul mate to hold our hand through life': 'Why? Do you want to get married? I'll do it.'

Jack:Yes and no, Jenna. Yes, I'm talking. Uh, no, we do not have the music.

Jack:Jack arrives with 'a '65 Moët and some Pizza-Blasted Pringles'

Jack:I wasn't sure what you were serving, so I brought a '65 Moët and some 'Pizza-Blasted' Pringles.

Jack:Jack surveys Elisa's large, smiling Puerto Rican family gathering: 'All of these people are your family? Why are they smiling so much? Who's being ostracized?'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'I don't want to die alone. And now, I don't have to. Because... I'm in love with my mother's nurse.' / Tracy: 'Now you have what me and Angie have. Minus the hypertension.'

Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, have you ever had a piragua? It's exactly like a snow-cone, except they call it a piragua.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack admits they don't have the music rights either, so Jenna is singing a song he wrote himself five minutes ago: '# Break another little chunk of my love now, mister?'

Jack · Liz:The hotel was overbooked. I texted you. / No. No, you didn't! / Oh, I forgot to hit send. / Just hold on a second. [long pause] There you go.

Elisa · Jack:He's a sweet, old man with advanced dementia. Totally disconnected from reality. Oh, that reminds me. I owe Lou Dobbs a call.

Jack · Elisa:I'm sorry. What do you call yourself? / A Puerto Rican. / No, I know you can say that. But what do I call you? / A Puerto Rican. / Wow. That does not sound right.

Dr. Spaceman · Jack:Jack, I need to ask you to drop your pants. [cut to: shot] That's it. Have a sucker.

Jack · Dr. Spaceman:Can I ask you a question as a woman? / You may, Jack. / Are you going to alter your voice or dress up in any way?

Liz · Jack:Jack, you can't call her that! / That's what I thought.

Jack · Dr. Spaceman:Yes, Lemon. Important people get better health care. They also get better restaurant reservations, bigger seats in planes -- / A more refined class of prostitute... / For me, it's really about the companionship.

Jack:When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman's mouth?

Jack · Mr. Templeton:Who's going to tell them? Him? / Hey, it's me. Matlock. I need your help.

Liz · Jack:Two-tiered health care is a crime. You know, in Cuba, everybody gets equal healthcare. / What a surprise. You've seen the Michael Moore movie. / Think again, Jack. I saw the trailer when I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Jack · Elisa · Mr. Templeton:I had a wonderful time last night. / Yeah, I did, too. / Are you with Mr. Templeton now? / How I envy him. / I wish you would exercise my muscles... ...so they don't atrophy.

Jack:You sound just like Lemon. Come with me tonight. Be a member of the elite.

Jack · Elisa:# The night's like a banquet... Give it a try...? # Candlelight, caviar... You and I...? # And Templeton... Mr. Templeton...?

Liz · Jack:You took the old man with you? / I admit it's an ethical gray area.

Liz · Jack:It's called principles, Jack. / Oh. I think I'm probably getting it.

Jack:Yes, well, we can't all be as noble as you. Turning down a flu shot on moral grounds, coming into work and risking your health despite your special vacation.

Elisa · Jack:It's Mr. Templeton's son. / I thought you said he didn't have any family. / Not here. He lives in London. But now, God has sent him to punish me for being so bad. / Or maybe it's a business trip.

Mr. Templeton · Jack:Is Elisa the Puerto Rican? / Wow. That really doesn't sound okay. But, yes.

Mr. Templeton · Jack:And then... I want to go to a Negro bar. / I'll see what I can do.

Jack:What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus. That you don't deserve.

Jack · Liz · Dr. Spaceman:Did that come out of you or me? / I don't know. / It's really hot in here. / You know, the flu vaccine is actually a small dose of the virus itself. So, there's always the risk that -- Oh God! Both ends! Both ends! / I'm not going to make it!

Jack · Elisa:# Strap your helmet on...?

Jack · Liz:Jack asks Liz which photo she prefers; she picks one and asks what it's for — it turns out to be for a corporate keynote address, making her 'wacky' aesthetic choice immediately deflating.

Jack:Jack says he's 'apprehensive' about the retreat because he hasn't seen these people 'since the C.E.O. debacle and my time in the Bush Administration.'

Jack:Jack's mirror psych-up speech: 'Well, buddy, here we go. Bases loaded, bottom of the ninth. Are you going to step up? Oh, yeah. Because it's winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch!'

Jack:The psych-up speech incorporates advertising slogans: 'Just do it. Is it in you? I'm loving it!' — mashing Nike, Gatorade, and McDonald's together.

Liz · Jack:Liz catches Jack psyching himself up in the mirror. She admits she does the same thing before parties where she doesn't know a lot of people — 'Stop sweating, you idiot. What is wrong with you, you stupid bitch?'

Jack:Jack introduces the Six Sigma pillars: teamwork, insight, brutality, male enhancement, 'handshake-ful-ness,' and play hard.

Jack:Jack greets the assembled executives: 'Men? If I'd known your wives were alone I would have stayed in New York.'

Executive · Jack · Liz:Corporate nonsense speak: 'The Finulus data suggest we should be leveraging disintermediation paradigms.' / 'The Finular analysis will concur with any synergized mindshare classifications.' / 'Bladorian frankles.'

Jack:The 'LUNCH' acronym reveal: Lego Utilization for Negating Crisis Hierarchies.

Jack · Liz:'CLASS' is another acronym: Consuming Lunch And Simple Socializing. 'Now, that just seems intentionally confusing.'

Jack · Liz:The LUNCH Lego exercise: Jack barking instructions — 'Don't stop talking! Hands in pockets, Joan! Prashant, your job is to watch Joan!' / 'Say something, Haircut!' / 'Uh-doy-ee! It goes on top! It's a smoke stack!'

Six Sigma Executive · Jack:After Liz shouts 'Uh-doy-ee!' and they win, the Six Sigma executive says: 'What happened to you, Donaghy? That woman is a subordinate of yours. Her behavior is totally inappropriate — the familiarity, nickname-ification.'

Jack:Jack comes to Liz's hotel room to check if it's bigger than his — outraged she has a sitting area: 'Aw, you have a sitting area? You jag!'

Jack:Jack tells Liz her reaction is 'the second half of a Judy Blume novel.'

Jack:Jack: 'I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel'

Jack:Jack looks at departing Liz and mutters: 'Like a waitress.'

Jack · Audio Tech:The audio technician, on his first day, asks Jack if he can put a microphone on him — Jack confidently says yes. Neither realizes the mic is now hot in the ballroom.

Jack:Jack's psych-up speech broadcasts through the microphone to the entire conference ballroom — 'Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded... you magnificent son of a bitch!'

Jack:Jack's private psych-up speech plays over the entire ballroom PA system — beginning: 'Bottom of the ninth... bases loaded... you magnificent son of a bitch!'

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz her intervention 'actually worked' — many people emailed asking if they were there 'when the bra lady went crazy.'

Jack:Jack thanks Liz and then says: 'And I think it goes without saying that you are banned from any future retreats.'

Jack:Jack: 'A lot of people from the conference e-mailed me to ask if I was there when the bra lady went crazy. They completely forgot about me.'

Jack:They're former investment bankers who were laid off after that economic crash that Nancy Pelosi caused.

Jack:They've got zero real-world skills, but god, they work hard.

Jack · Elisa:Is it because I'm white? I've had white boyfriends. Black, Cuban... Brazilian guys with German heritage...

Jack:He looks exactly like me. [Beat — Jack stares at the TV]

Jack:He just blew up that kid!

Elisa · Jack:Isn't that romantic? / Now, all I have to do is kill off the Generalissimo, and clear a path to Elisa's abuela.

Jack · Liz:He stole that girl's love letters and opened them. / Opened her mail? That is just shocking. He's a monster. / Or he has a really good reason to do it.

Liz · Jack:And how did he use her mail to do that, exactly? / He read her most intimate secrets, and turned himself into that which she desired.

Hector Moreda (as Generalissimo) · Jack · Elisa:'And now, this potion's gonna make me live forever.' / What's happening? / El Generalissimo was supposed to die!

Jack:Morena has gone broken arrow. We really should have had somebody on the set who speaks Spanish.

Jack:Play ball, or you'll be back doing R-rated hypnotism at bull fights so fast, you won't know what hit you.

Jack · Hector:I see that we are not so different, you and I. / We laugh alike. / We think alike. / At times, we even drink alike.

Hector · Jack:El Generalissimo does not have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him. / But that's impossible. / Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo.

Hector · Jack:Like Julie Harris in The Belle of Amherst. / You are surprisingly gay.

Jack · Liz:So did you ever find Buster? / What did you not understand? That picture is from a dog food ad.

Jack:I'll look into it... abuela.

Liz · Jack:Jack this is ridiculous. / It's a date.

Jack:Look at this guy, used to be a man once.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, you're a woman. Of course I am! That doctor was a quack, I don't even know why my parents listened to him.

Liz · Jack:- You mean, like, marriage? - No, the one before that. - Moving in together? That's huge! - No, the thing you do before that. - think 'you in the mid-nineties.' - You haven't had sex?

Jack · Liz:We have, of course, pleasured one another — No, stop, I believe.

Jack:Obviously I care about her a lot, but she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion that 'sex' and 'love' are somehow connected.

Jack · Elisa:We're Jack and Elisa — Jalisa. That's really lame, Jack. Yeah, that was just a joke.

Jack · Elisa:I think tonight is going to be a very special night. — If you know what I mean... — I think I do.

Jack:Like a lion, ready to take its mate.

Jack:I watched an American Masters last night about Baryshnikov. I picked up a couple of ideas.

Jack:No, no, no, I'll get it. You'll need your rest, we're going again in 15.

Jack:I don't care what's going on out there. I'm staying here. There are some things more important than a stock quote crawling across a screen. I'm in love with this magnificent woman, and there is no amount of money this company could lose that would cause me to— yes, that's the amount, I'll get dressed right now.

Jack · Larry King:I just wanna preach caution, Larry, if there was anything to worry about I would be at my office. Instead of at home, right now, with my beautiful girlfriend. — She's Latin. — Expand on that.

Tracy · Jack · Larry King:Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy, and that is an impostor. — Hang up! Hang up on him Larry! — I'm going to, but not because you told me.

Elisa · Jack:Because I'm sick of listening to you. 'Oh, I love you, Elisa.' This was all just another Jack Donaghy lie. Like when you said you could dunk a basketball? — I can, on a regulation hoop.

Jack:Who is this woman, why isn't someone shutting her up?

Jack:Who is this woman, why isn't someone shutting her up? — Now why don't you just go back to my apartment and I will meet you there, eventually.

Jack · Jonathan:Jonathan, what is that camcorder for? — Nothing. I don't know.

Jack:God, he looks so young.

Geiss (on tape) · Jack:How the hell am I gonna turn this damn thing off? / What's that gizmo?

Jack · Elisa:Let's get married. — Jack! — I love you, Elisa, and I don't wanna be with anyone else. — Okay. But I want a ring so big that it gives me back problems.

Elisa (on video) · Jack · Jonathan:Adios mi amor. / Aww, how do you turn this damn thing off? / No! That's personal.

Jack:But I'm committed to Elisa. While she's away, I'm trying to avoid temptation. I just need somewhere I can socialize where women aren't an issue.

Jack · Frank · Writers:Yeah, Let's go. Hey, now. [Jack walks into the gay bar — reaction beat as everyone turns]

Jack · Frank · Toofer · Lutz · Josh:What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon. Optometrist. Died. I never really knew my dad, so I just lie to myself. Space assassin.

Frank · Jack:In Sicilian dialect, it means 'well poisoner.' In Gaelic, Donaghy means 'dung basket.'

Frank · Jack:We're going to Lutz's to watch movies. Tonight, a classic. Harry and the Hendersons. You in, Jack? Uh, yes. But I don't want to go to Lutz's apartment. His contract is up, and I don't want to feel sorry for him.

Frank · Jack:Goodbye, my friend. He had to be mean to save him. Harry belonged in the woods.

Jack · Frank:This reminds me of my favorite movie. Shane. Oh! When Joey wants to go with Shane and Shane makes him stay. Maybe it's because we didn't have fathers. Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies where the father figure pushes away the child/legendary North American forest ape.

Jack:This morning it hit me in the shower why the Hendersons named their guest 'Harry.' That film has layers.

Jack:We both have recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder.

Jack:Make your mother proud, Frank. Make your father hate any new children he might have.

Jack · Frank:But we both know you shouldn't be working at a desk with... fake vomit on it. Right. Fake.

Jack:Oh, God. Please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.

Jack · Frank · Liz:Did you know that if you sing 'Happy Birthday' on a TV show, you have to pay for it? I did not know that. # Hap...? Hey!

Jack · Frank:Now, let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American Judicial System. My client... has no memory of that. I also would have accepted, 'You can't prove that's the governor's semen.'

Frank's Mom · Jack:What do you think you're doing to my boy? [...] His father was a lawyer! And his father's father! All the Rossitano men are lawyers. It's in their blood to be lawyers! [...] For the mob!

Jack:There was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch, who, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. But when the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged... and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle... George Henderson summoned the strength, and, by God, he did it. Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape.

Jack:There was once a great American named George Henderson... despite its dangerous message of environmentalism... and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle...

Liz · Jack:Is that Harry and the Hendersons? You've seen it? This is my life, Jack.

Jack · Frank:You've got to go. No. I'm going to be a lawyer. I'm going to be like you. Get out of here! Go to the writers' room! There is no scholarship! Can't you see we don't want you anymore?

Jack:Goodbye, my friend. [Beat] [Jack watches Frank go]

Jack · Elisa:Hey, baby. My God. Look at your boobs.

Jack · Liz:I guess, in a way... we both lost children today. Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.

Jack · Liz · Tim:Don't worry, Lemon. I'm confident that someday you'll have... everything you want. Can someone please tell me how to get out of this building? It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!

Jack:Obviously, you can't do both T.G.S. and Janie Jimplin.

Jack · Liz:Or should I say... very little? The pocket microwave? / You can buy it on Friday along with everyone else. It has a ham button. You used my idea!

Lutz · Jack:Can we get lunch from McDonald's today? / No.

Jack:Something that will appeal to the marketing holy trinity: College students, the morbidly obese and homosexuals.

Jack:'Bitenuker' is highly offensive to those who speak either French or Dutch. A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it 'bet nyooker'.

TGS Writer · Jack:We should make t-shirts! / Yes. / And you're in charge of that.

Jack · Liz:They're all dead, Lemon. / What? / They're all dead unless they come up with a name for my pocket microwave. They're up in my office right now where there are fewer... foosballs.

Jack:Now that you're back, uh... I thought you could do it yourself. How hard can it be?

Jack:Jenna fills in time with a song. Goodnight, goodnight. Mild applause. / You'll be done in an hour.

Jack · Frank:Including English, Frank. / They knew what a 'Hot Richard' was?

Jack:'V'. 'A'. 'G'... Why don't we start over? / 'N'. 'I'. I have an idea. Why don't I just pull them all at once?

Jack:'N'. 'I'. I have an idea. Why don't I just pull them all at once?

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth suggests 'Funcooker' — everyone immediately accepts it as brilliant, leading to Jack saying 'Kenneth, I owe you one.'

Kenneth · Jack:So, it's kind of like a 'funcooker'. / The Funcooker. Yes! It's snappy, fresh, and incapable of offending. / Kenneth? I owe you one. / One hug, you mean?

Tracy · Jack:Is that 30 seconds, yet? / Nine? / Okay. Here comes the funcooker.

Tracy · Liz · Jack:Hey, America! Oh, Tracy. Please cover for them. Check out my funcooker! / Did he just say 'Funcooker'? / Oh. That's where I've heard that.

Tracy · Jack:Now that's got to be 30 seconds. / Nine?

Jack:Well, they're all terrified of you. That will get you a week of good behavior.

Liz · Jack:My containers. My new beginning. / Lemon, we've both had a rough week. You went 'firebug', and I'm sitting on four million mini-microwaves that Legal won't let out of the warehouse.

Jack:I suggest we both go to our respective homes... open a bottle of wine... and heat up some ham... in the shower.

Jack · Liz:Boy, we sure have done some crazy things with Tracy in the last three years. We sure have. I'm thinking about some of them now. Me too.

Jack:His video game made a fortune and he invested all of it in a company that dismantles bank signs. They're doing very well.

Jack · Tracy · Liz:Look, we got B.F.F. bracelets. You guys are best friends forever? That's not what that stands for.

Jack:They live in a bubble... a bubble of free drinks, kindness and outdoor sex.

Jack · Liz:The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay, didn't I? [Liz does an over-the-top eye-roll]

Liz · Jack:Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye-roll. Oh, brother.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, I don't share this often... but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old. What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Jack · Tracy:Tracy, I hope you know how much we value you here at T.G.S. I like to think of this staff as a family. This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow.

Jack · Dotcom:Had he really not put that together? Tracy's is a tactile-kinesthetic learning style... Dotcom... so help me God.

Jack:That is the danger of being super-handsome. When you're in the bubble, nobody ever tells you the truth. For years... I thought I spoke excellent French.

Jack · Liz:Did you tell him that he was no good in tennis? No, I let him win 'cause I wanted to make out with him in the cab.

Jack:Be careful, Lemon. You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on. Or thanked... on.

Jack:Oh, no! When I get upset my accent come out. And when it gets to comin' out, I can't get to talkin', nuh-uh!

Jack:Don't cling to this, Lemon. Be a manager. Control your people. Buy better clothes.

Jack:Nope, I lost it, that was Batman.

Jack · Tracy · Bill Cosby:Tracy, this is Bill Cosby. [Tracy:] Bill Cosby, you got a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette. [Cosby:] I think you're confusing me with someone else. [Tracy:] 1971, Cincinnati. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye.

Jack · Billy Dee Williams:Tracy, this is Billy Dee Williams. I just wanna say I love your work. It's very smooth.

Tracy Jr. · Jack:You wanna see what he packed me for lunch today? Mayonnaise... and a pack of cigarettes. That is unfortunate.

Tracy Jr. · Jack:She said she had to take a spa week at Canyon Ranch before my dad broke it in half. What that even supposed to mean? I shouldn't have to hear that! I'm a child!

Tracy Jr. · Jack:You know, I don't see it on the menu but I would love a catfish po'boy and a diet raspberry Fanta. Oh, that is a great idea. Let me order that for you.

Waitress · Jack:I'm gonna come back in five minutes. You try to order off the menu again I will smack those glasses off your face. Okay, thank you. You're welcome.

Jack:Security told me that he's in the building, Pete. So it's working. Now it's all up to Kenneth Ellen Parcell.

Jack · Kenneth:But I will need you to turn in your page jacket. What? Well, your main duty was taking care of Tracy. Tracy no longer works here. Therefore, your services are no longer required. As a page? Oh, no...

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken? Stay out of this, Tracy. It's not your concern. Unless? Unless what? You say Kenneth can't work here because I don't work here. But if I work here so can Kenneth. I don't understand. Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack... with Kenneth. Damn you and your meddling.

Jack · Liz:Jack asks if Liz is frying bacon; she says it's her new running shoes

Jack:Jack laughs dismissively at Liz's running shoes explanation

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Don't wear that thing with the belt.' Liz: 'What thing with the belt? Don't hang up! I have a lot of belted outfits!'

Jack:Jack reads his mother's birthday card: 'Jackie, here is some of your junk. It was taking up the space my new boyfriend needed for his golf bags. His name is Paul and he doesn't want to meet you.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'You threw up.' Jack: 'What? As a kid, you never got so excited, you vomited? No one does that. I mean, I've peed a little.'

Jack:Jack reads from his childhood list: 'Go to Disneyland. Ride in an airplane. Kiss Peggy Fleming.' Then: 'Done, done and... oh, boy. Done.'

Jack:Jack's list continues: 'Live in a house with stairs. Beat up a Russian. Hit Mom with a car.'

Jack:Jack: 'Fly on a plane? I've flown on Air Force One. Go to Disneyland? Lemon, I've held Walt Disney's frozen head in my hands.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I've danced with Queen Noor. I've hunted the world's most dangerous game.' Liz: 'Man.' Jack: 'Manatee. I once shot a manatee.'

Jack · Liz · Jonathan:Jack: 'Be friends with Batman.' Liz: 'There's still a couple of hours.' Jack: 'Jonathan, could you get Adam West's agent on the phone, please?'

Jack:Jack: 'I don't have friends at NASA. Bunch of nerds.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'Ugh. I was going to go for a run today!' Jack: 'Oh. [Laughs]'

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I wore nothing but hand-me-downs until I was 12 years old. But I thought you were the oldest, sir.' Jack: 'Oldest boy.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack wonders what Kenneth's perspective is like; the show plays swelling inspirational music as Jack imagines Kenneth seeing the world with wonder [visual gag — music swells, Kenneth sees simple gifts as magnificent]

Jack:A coin rattles dramatically after Kenneth leaves, in the empty silence of Jack's big house [sound gag / awkward silence]

Adam West · Jack:Adam West introduces Jack at his own birthday party as 'Jake Dellahee'

Jack:Jack: 'It's all wrong. Uh... Everyone, go home now. Uh, the party's over.'

Jack:Jack: 'The closest I came to vomiting tonight was when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.'

Jack:Jack: 'I'm going to find out what was inside that box, I'm going to buy it with money, and it is going to make me happy. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to Benjamin Button myself.'

Jack:Jack: 'Get me a deaf person.' Then to lip-reading specialist: 'I was told this was a job interview.'

Jack:Jack bought a vintage Apollo Command and Lunar Module toy for $7,000 at a store where 'a morbidly obese gentleman called me "pal."'

Jack · Bystander:Jack laughs at the commercial, trails off looking for a comparison for how much he's laughed, then: 'Everybody, back up! Get out of the way! He's going to Jack!'

Jack:Jack: 'I feel great. I feel like a kid.' Then quietly: 'Bijou.'

Jack:Apparently, neither name cleared. It looks like your character's going to be called Jackie Jormp-Jomp.

Jenna · Jack:Jenna: 'Oh, okay. So what's the good news?' Jack: 'I didn't say there was any.'

Jack:You're holding that upside down.

Jack:Jack: 'Remember that time I came back from the world economic forum with mono and missed a week of work and I wanted to pull my hair out but I couldn't because it's too thick?'

Jack · Liz:Jack says 'you start bouncing off the walls, spend your days jabbering at doormen' — Liz fires back, 'Hey, I brighten their day.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth goes to Jack directly to disclose his 'relationship' with a dancer — whom he has never spoken to — citing company policy.

Jack:Jack: 'I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting.'

Jack:Jack's ways to achieve a life of leisure: 'Just short the housing market. Or write a cookbook specifically for mixed-race children. Or marry a rich, old dude who dies. Or have mild lupus and great insurance.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack: 'I want to Tupac you.' Jenna: 'Fine. But I have to pee first.' Jack: 'No, no, no — Tupac Shakur, the rapper.'

Jack · Jenna:Jenna on the Tupac marketing strategy: 'Die young, become a legend. Just like Janis. Or Rusty, the bear from the Magicals.'

Jack · Liz:Jack on phone: 'Jeffrey Weener-slave said you put your fingers in his mouth. Did I? Or did he put his mouth on my fingers?'

Jack:Jack: 'It's gonna take at least six weeks paid leave to get to the bottom of this.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I'm very busy right now faking Jenna's death to sell her movie.' Liz: 'I'm not going to engage on that. Mantra.'

Liz · Jack:Liz says she's on 'humanity leave.' Jack: 'Good god, what Indigo Girls song is that from?'

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, you are not a rich divorcee.' Liz: 'I know. But I have some money saved — enough for two years. Maybe four if I give up cable. So I will be back to the show in four years.'

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'There is no solace in their luxury. Only deep despair.' Liz: 'How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?'

Jack · Pete:Pete. A word. / Jenna's dead. / I don't feel anything. / What's wrong with me?

Liz · Jack:Liz returns: 'I'm back.' Jack: 'What did it turn out to be? Lesbians?' Liz: 'No. Fight club.'

Jack · Jeweler:Jeweler responds to Jack's request for an engagement ring with 'Are you sure?'

Liz · Jack:'Maybe you should have had a ring the first time you proposed. Then Elisa wouldn't have said no.' / 'She didn't say no, she said we should think about it.' / 'Yeah, that does not mean yes. In my experience, "let's think about it" usually ends up with me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night.'

Jack · Liz:'I've coined a new term to describe what Elisa is to me... The One.' / 'Yeah, you should be a writer.'

Jack · Elisa · Jeweler:A woman (Elisa) hurls herself at the engagement ring display case and gets her finger caught in a vent — 'She's very spirited... like a show horse.'

Jack · Jeweler:'Oh, no, no. She's not the bride. This is the one I am marrying.' / 'Oh. My apologies, sir. Please follow me to the real showroom.'

Jack:Wig-Go.com: 'All anybody posted on it were penises.'

Elisa · Jack:Elisa bursts in declaring 'I'm back. Let's get married.' and Jack plans to 'carbo-load for the reunion sex'

Jack · Liz:Jack asks Liz about Elisa's secret — specifically worrying about 'a secret desire to keep her maiden name'

Jack:'Blue writing on green. Why?'

Jack · Liz:'Call that cleaning lady back. We need somebody who speaks Spanish.' / 'I speak Spanish.' / 'Puerto Rican!'

Jack:'I'm so sorry to tell you such a dark tale while wearing such a silly t-shirt.'

Jack · Elisa:Jack: 'Why aren't you in jail?' / Elisa: 'They threw my case out. I couldn't get an impartial jury after that song about me came out.'

Jack:'My God, I already put my wedding announcement in Cigar Aficionado.'

Jack · Liz:'Have you ever met anyone that's killed somebody?' / 'I think my grandpa may have but he never really liked to talk about what happened at... Kent State.'

Jack:'So she had one bad day... somewhere, right now, a guy is on a J-date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody's perfect.'

Jack:'I'm 50. To put it in perspective, that's like 32 for ladies.'

Jack · Liz Lemon:Jack: 'How many more Elisas am I going to meet?' / Liz: 'Okay, well... God bless.' / Jack: 'Nobody ever said you did, Lemon.'

Jack:Jack's fantasy excuse for cheating: 'What if I find myself stranded in a snow cave with a stern but comely lady geologist, both of us knowing that our only chance for survival is the heat from our naked bodies?'

Jack · Tracy:Jack tells Tracy his fiancée murdered her ex-husband for cheating; Tracy says 'Continue.'

Tracy · Jack · Club woman:A woman approaches Tracy and his friend at a club: 'Hey, Tray, you and your friend want to party later?' / Tracy: 'Sure thing, baby. Give the kid a call, hmm? Holla.' — then hands her Jack's number

Jack:'This is decadent and I once went to Miami with Darryl Strawberry.'

Jack · Liz:Jack shows up at Liz's apartment at 4am after a night of clubbing to talk about his relationship

Jack:'His life is like Enron, 1999. It's wild.'

Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts? Shoo.'

Jack:Jack breaks up with Elisa: 'if tonight is what it's going to be like, obviously, engagement-wise, we are not going to forge ahead.'

Elisa · Jack:Elisa: 'Is it my English or was that not a great breaking-up speech?' / Jack: 'It was your English. That was quite moving.'

Jack · Liz:Jack congratulates Liz on reading his memo about including more catchphrases in her show, then immediately recites one: 'If your man leaves the house in tighty-whiteys and comes back in a thong, that's a dealbreaker, ladies.'

Jack:'If he wears an Atlanta Falcons jersey to your sister's wedding, that's a dealbreaker, ladies.'

Jack · Liz:Liz protests that the Dealbreaker phrase is hers, Jack says 'I respect that, Lemon' — then Liz asks 'Jack, is this really what you wanted to talk to me about?' implying there's something deeper he's avoiding.

Jack:Jack: 'Do you know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment. Guilt.'

Jack:Jack: 'Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.'

Jack:Jack: 'I don't want her to have to relive that. Plus I want to whisper something cutting in her ear as she dies.'

Tracy · Jack:Jack visits Tracy, who says 'I'm practicing sitting.' Tracy is literally just sitting in a chair, practicing it.

Tracy · Jack:Tracy on why he never looked for his father: 'He's dead.' Jack: 'How do you know?' Tracy: 'Because I'm rich. If that man were alive he'd be living in my house and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.'

Tracy · Jack:'But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.' Jack: 'Thanks, Tracy.' [immediately after Tracy's heartfelt speech]

Jenna · Liz · Jack:Jenna claims the Dealbreaker phrase is 'ours,' Liz corrects her that she wrote it for Jenna. Jenna: 'Right, it's ours — that's what I meant.' Jack: 'There's a reason you're the writer.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy, addressing the staff about his son: 'Like a dog in a sidecar when it detaches from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.' Jack: 'Thanks, Tracy.' — exact repeat of the earlier exchange.

Lynn · Jack:Lynn thanks Jack for meeting him 'here.' Jack: 'This is my office.' Lynn: 'I know but since I'm in the building I can access the cafeteria, which means free ice.'

Jack · Lynn:Lynn gives Jack an envelope with his father's name in it, says he'll give him privacy, and the scene cuts to Jack opening it alone — his reaction is just 'Oh my God!'

Liz · Jack:Jack reads the envelope: three potential fathers. Liz says 'It's like Mamma Mia.' Jack: 'What?' Liz: 'Nothing, don't push it, let it happen, there's going to be a Mamma Mia.'

Liz · Jack:Liz explains the Mamma Mia plan: 'They can come to you. We can trick them into coming here, then we can sing on the dock.' Jack: 'What are you talking about?' Liz: 'It's Mamma Mia, the musical film that was a global success, based on the stage musical using ABBA songs. It's a movie, Jack, let's watch it quickly.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: Plan is they win a competition. Jack: 'How do we get them here?' Liz: 'They won a contest — they won a trip to New York and tickets to TGS.' Jack: 'Fine, bring them here. And all I'm promising is a musical film, wild and noisy.' Liz: 'Dot dot dot fun. Dot dot dot gorgeous.'

Liz · Jack:Liz introduces George Park — Jack: 'He's Korean.' The immediate reaction to George being Korean as a disqualifying factor (implied by the mutual look).

Fred · Jack · Liz:Fred O'Dwyer explains: 'In World War II, a hand grenade went off in my privates.' Jack: 'So you never reproduced.' Fred: 'Impossible.' 'My privates look like a plate of spaghetti.'

Milton · Jack:Milton Green clears his throat before speaking, then apologizes: 'Sorry, there was something in my throat. I'm Milton Green.' Jack reacts with clear recognition/interest.

Liz · Jack:Jack, to Jenna, in his 'calm dad voice': Liz describes it that way — 'I like it when you use the calm, reasonable father voice.'

Jack:Liz says Jack should use the calm dad voice to tell Jenna that Liz will appear in the magazine with her. Jack pockets a muffin: 'I'll save this for later.'

Jack · Milton:Jack asks the three potential fathers if there's a history of mental illness in their family. Milton: 'Don't get me started — a relative of mine killed all his coworkers.'

Jack · Milton:Jack asks Milton if he knows many other Greens — 'In your church? At Christmas?' Milton: 'We're secular.' Jack: 'Of course, but if you had to choose...'

Jack · Milton:Jack notices a photo of Milton with Tom DeLay. Milton: 'I consider The Hammer a hero.' Jack: 'I'm sorry — did you just mock the House Majority Whip?' Milton: 'I never thought of him as such.'

Jack · Milton:Jack: 'Tom DeLay's legacy to America — raping the environment and waging illegal war.' Milton: 'History will vindicate the liberation of Iraq.' Jack: 'I was talking about the war on drugs, and by extension your hypocrisy.'

Jack · Milton:Milton attacks Jack's knowledge of single mothers, Jack retorts: 'What do YOU know about single mothers? What do you know about families?' — they're now screaming at each other in a full argument.

Milton · Jack:Milton: 'I won't be spoken to like this — I'm a contest winner.' 'And a professor at Bennington.' Jack: 'How's it going teaching people who couldn't get into Middlebury?' Milton: 'How dare you.' Jack: 'How dare YOU.' Both: 'How dare you!' in unison.

Jenna · Jack · Liz:Jenna tears her blouse at the photo shoot; Jack's reaction: 'Oh my god.' Jack says she looks beautiful. Jenna: 'I'll go get some tape.' Jack: 'Oh my God, Liz.'

Jack:Jack (to Jenna, after Liz warns her not to be photographed doing funny things): 'I'm glad you insisted on doing this. Thank you for including her with such grace. I know something like this is all she has in her life.'

Jack · Liz:Jack asks Liz: 'What did you say to Milton?' Liz: 'I think he was leaving until I mentioned Cornell West at the New School.'

Liz · Jack:Liz describes the two possible outcomes: 'Tell him and he rejects you, you come back Jack Donaghy and that's pretty great.' OR 'Tell him and he cries and you hug and you have a dad.' Jack: 'One of those two things.' Liz: 'There's no third weird thing.'

Jack:Jack (to Liz, after the emotional conversation): 'By the way, the medical supply store where you bought those shoes — do they carry women's items?'

Jack · Milton:Jack: 'I'm Jack Donaghy, Colleen's son. I was born about 9 months after you two... did that. God.' Milton: 'Oh my God — wait. Is this a contest to find out who your father is?'

Jack:Jack's reveal: 'I'm Jack Donaghy. I'm Colleen's son. And I was born approximately nine months after you did that.'

Milton · Jack:Milton: 'I have a son.' [long pause] 'I have a handsome son.' Jack: 'And I have a father.'

Milton · Jack:Milton: 'Fate has brought us together, Jack, to open a new chapter in my life.' Jack: 'Yes, isn't that amazing.' Milton: 'You don't know anything yet.' Jack: 'What?' Milton: 'I need a kidney transplant.'

Jack:Jack's reaction to the kidney request: 'This is really something.' [beat] — delivered with visible disbelief/resignation.

Jack:Hello, everyone. I'm so happy to see all of you and to welcome you to Season Four. Which is, of course, the name of this restaurant, the number one Asian fusion restaurant in New York.

Jack:Where we will be eating the number-one-selling food in the rest of America.

Tracy · Jack:Well, before I made it as a stand-up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway. That's not a real job. Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?

Jack · Liz:The best way for a lady to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship. Uh, we'll start with 'going country'.

Jack:To T.G.S. We'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet.

Liz · Jack:Well, you just don't like anybody, do you? Well...

Liz · Jack:What about Josh? Right, Josh, I forgot about that guy. You think that's a good sign?

Jack:Our new mammogram machine is called the 'Git-Er-Done 2000'.

Jack:Thanks to Comrade Obama's recession, we've had to cut overtime for pages.

Jack · Payroll Guy:I had to downsize the Payroll Department to one guy and an envelope stuffing machine. Today's my birthday.

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth pops out from behind a corner and yells 'Boo!' at Jack, then thanks him.

Jack:I'll give you a New York minute. That's seven seconds.

Kenneth · Jack:'Bonus' means 'extra'. I know that from game shows. You lied to me. I didn't lie, Kenneth. I massaged the truth.

Jack:I like you, Kenneth. But you do not want to mess with me right now. I am in the middle of a raging period! Of economic turmoil.

Jack · Jenna:Do you know the song 'Are You Ready For Some Football?' Do I? That's what my phone plays whenever Ray Lewis calls me.

Liz · Jack:What sports does N.B.C. have these days? Oh, off-season tennis.

Jack:Whatever religious undergarment Kenneth wears is in a twist because I took my bonus this year.

Liz · Jack:Aren't you trying to be Johnny America right now? I am Johnny America. And this strike ends now.

Len · Jack:Let me ask you a question, Mr. Donaghy. How do you kill a snake? You cut off the head. Of course! Thank you. Now I won't be afraid to go into my garage.

Len · Jack:I go undercover, infiltrate the union. Take this Parcell guy down from the inside. Very well. And you have undercover experience? They used to call me the Chameleon. Because of my slender frame and my big, wet eyes.

Len · Jack:I can't, the man is incorruptible. He was impervious to the charms of the 'Nympho Coed'. Charlene LaRue.

Jack:Guide me. Tell me what to do, Nixon.

Jack · Kenneth:Where's the bar? Well, there's a bar in the shower that the previous tenant installed to keep from slipping. He still died in there, though.

Jack · Kenneth:We're not so different, you and I. Those glasses are for display only.

Jack:And yet, when people look at you, they see who they want to be. When they look at me, they see who they are.

Jack:Jack: 'You have the moral high ground, I can't change that. But I can destroy you.' He threatens to shut down the page program forever.

Jack:I am a big, 'ol liar.