When It Rains, It Pours

Liz Lemon · Street Harasser:Opening street harassment scene — a man catcalls what he thinks is a woman, only to reveal he's actually addressing 'glasses' (Liz), followed by 'I bet you have... infected penis.'

Jenna Maroney · Liz Lemon:Jenna tells Liz she's like 'a pretty refugee on the news' as a compliment.

Liz Lemon:Liz asks if she can finally wear the cowboy hat she bought at Kiss-FM's Lake Jam '97.

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:Immediate cut to Tracy saying 'I want your feet in my mouth' — the show's first 'when it rains, it pours' demonstration.

Jack Donaghy:Jack greets Avery and himself as 'Javery' — 'Time-saver.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack announces they're having a boy with 'Like God, I created man.'

Jack Donaghy · Avery Jessup:Jack predicts every woman his son dates will be compared to Avery 'and found wanting.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack says having an old dad was 'awesome' because 'I could get away with anything' — illustrated by the cutaway of a young Jack storing his rock collection in a large box.

Jack Donaghy:'50 is the new 40... for men. But 50 is still 60 for women.'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'Whatevs, Tony Randall.' / 'Whatevs, indeed, because that makes you Jack Klugman.'

Liz Lemon:Liz's tattoo that was supposed to say 'peace' but said 'white hooker' instead.

Tracy Jordan:Tracy explains 'werewolfing' — locking himself in his dressing room so he can't miss the birth, like a werewolf locking himself in jail before a full moon.

Tracy Jordan:Tracy missed the birth of both his sons for 'very legitimate reasons' — specifically 'Cooking a French-bread pizza and forgot.'

Tracy Jordan · Grizz:Grizz is guarding the other door — 'And reading.'

Tracy Jordan:'And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.'

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:Tracy tells Liz there's 'something about you lately that makes me want to put my feet in your mouth.'

TGS Writer:The editing department has so much power over TGS that a writer compares them to 'mommy and her sisters.'

Liz Lemon:Liz demonstrates her 'new charm' with a Julia Roberts laugh — 'Ha ha ha!' — and immediately gets asked 'What's in your teeth?' 'Corn.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack calculates he will be 70 when his son graduates prep school.

Jack Donaghy:Jack worries he won't be there for his son's 'first subpoena' or the father-son bonding of 'realizing you were both at the same masked orgy in a castle.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack refuses to evacuate during a fire drill because he won't 'stand outside in a crowd like some Italian.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy muses: 'If I were a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rule for if I were the Hulk.'

Tracy Jordan:'I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break dancing and lunch?'

Doctor:The ob-gyn introduces himself: 'Full disclosure — most of my experience is putting babies in women.'

Angie Jordan:Angie's response to the doctor's admission: 'You just described my morning.' (referring to Tracy)

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD message begins: 'The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little-known County Steve, where, historically, we were whiskey testers and goblins.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack says he won 'the Amory Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack was voted 'most' at Harvard Business School.

Jack Donaghy:'I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro.'

Jack Donaghy:'I was the first person ever to say, I need a vacation from this vacation.'

Jack Donaghy:'The song You're So Vain was, in fact, written by me.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD advice begins with a scenario: 'You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you, and the blade of your katana is frosted into its scabbard.'

Ritchie:Ritchie reveals he's a Civil War reenactor and expert at 'getting shot by smooth-bore firearms' — then demonstrates with an elaborate death performance: 'Kah, kah! Kah, kaw! Ah, death to Lincoln!'

Ritchie · Liz Lemon:'Oh, so a Southern gentleman.' — Ritchie takes the 'death to Lincoln' Confederate battle cry as a compliment and thanks her warmly

Ritchie:Ritchie gives Liz a CD of Civil War songs and warns: 'It's very authentic. So don't play it around your black friends.'

Ritchie · Liz Lemon:Ritchie's hug — 'Two becoming one, hmm?' — followed by him attacking Liz from behind in a confusing physical gesture.

Pete Hornberger · Liz Lemon:Pete accuses Liz of cheating on Carol with 'an Italian dude who smells like cigarettes' and says he's 'flipped over his futon' for her.

Liz Lemon:Liz complains she'd be 'waiting for edits till 4:00 in the morning when I should be at home — which is the name of a bar I found near the train station.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's contribution to the discussion of sacrifice: 'We all make sacrifices, Liz. I had to be at work this morning at 11:00.'

Jenna Maroney:'Oh — you got sauce on me! You know, neighbors who wear my exact size don't die every day!'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy solves the Statue of Liberty trivia question by recalling the centennial, where someone had spread a rumor she'd 'slip out of her toga,' so Tracy went to 'see some green boobies.' Then uses 'centipeding means having sex with 100 women' to deduce 'centennial = 100 years.'

Tracy Jordan:'Centennial' means 100 years because 'centipeding means having sex with 100 women'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy answers the Shamu question: 'She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD advice: 'Do not hire Sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of Police songs, and it's just... demoralizing.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD: 'After I'm gone, your mother may meet someone else. I want her to be happy, so... his death must appear to be accidental.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD: 'The secret to a strong, healthy head of hair is dove... Blood.'

Jack Donaghy:'Remember, the backflip is 90% confidence.'

Kenneth Parcell · Jack Donaghy:Kenneth reveals he's been sneaking into Jack's office to clean the terrace — 'just like the time I was cleaning my closet and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth explains being trapped: 'Just like the time I was cleaning my closet, and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed.'

Jack Donaghy:'Kenneth is now on a journey that will either return him here where he belongs or end... in his death.'

Jack Donaghy:'Juggling is easier than it looks.'

Frank Rossitano · Cerie · Other Writers:Frank reads a breaking news chyron: 'Ritchie and Liz spotted in tree. Eyewitnesses report K-I-S-S-I-N-G.' / 'For more, let's go to NBC's Andrea Mitchell.' / 'Thank you, Brian. Slut.'

Liz Lemon · Ritchie:Liz confronts Ritchie: 'I'm actually seeing someone, and he's never around because he's a pilot. His name is Carol.' / 'That sounds really fake.' / 'I know how it sounds.'

Liz Lemon:'Oh. "Reallo"? I meant to say "really." I misspoke. Continue.'

Ritchie · Liz Lemon:Ritchie confesses he's been lying about sleeping with Liz because he's in love with his assistant editor Donna — 'For seven years, I've been sitting close enough to touch her... but a million miles away.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth answers the phone at Jack's residence: 'Hello. Parcell and a squatter's residence.'

Angie Jordan:Angie: 'Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you?'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy answers Cash Cab questions via absurd personal knowledge: 'The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know, because I'm a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself!'

Tracy Jordan:'The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that, because if I go back there, I'll be executed.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy answers the chromatic scale question by singing it: '♪ I know that because I'm a musical genius ♪'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD provides advice in rapid-fire non-sequiturs: 'This is how you throw a punch.' / 'And the tree was happy.' Shel Silverstein was a communist.' / 'And that is the art of camouflage.' / 'And this is how you make love to a woman. Aah!'

Tracy Jordan · Angie Jordan:Tracy arrives at the hospital, Angie says 'I knew you wouldn't let me down, baby.' Tracy: 'Of course not, woman. I'm your husband. Damn it! I got to go feed the meter.'

Ritchie · Liz Lemon:The fake breakup scene where Liz 'breaks up' with Ritchie in front of Donna — Ritchie lists his desirable qualities: 'a fully loaded Toyota Tercel,' 'a real pinball machine,' 'been to Canada... twice.'

Ritchie:'Are you doing this to me because I don't share your love of unicorns?'

Liz Lemon:'I guess some other woman will get to enjoy that water bed you're saving up for.'

Tracy Jordan · Grizz · Dotcom:Tracy and his entourage can't open the hospital room door — extended bit about pulling vs. button, ending with 'Oh, it's upside down. My bad.'

Tracy Jordan · Angie Jordan:'Why's that baby covered with goop?' / 'Because everything about this is disgusting.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD: 'Also, I have given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church and have been assured that I will have certain powers in heaven... sending messages through animals, for instance.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's DVD: 'In the unlikely event that you encounter something not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.'

Kenneth Parcell · Jack Donaghy:Kenneth announces he will reapply to the NBC page program 'following standard procedures for acceptance' — then when Jack says 'I really don't care,' Kenneth says 'I won't let you down, sir.'

Jack Donaghy:DVD interlude: 'Your ability to hide your true feelings is part of your great strength.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy tells Jack: 'Jackie D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan... or read him a Dave Barry book.'

Tracy Jordan · Angie Jordan · Jack Donaghy:The crib is empty — Tracy panics — and Angie says 'She's in the crib.' / 'Good.'

Avery Jessup · Jack Donaghy:Jack discovers it's a girl — 'That Russian skank read the ultrasound wrong.' — and Avery's first concern is 'spatial reasoning and upper-body strength.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy searches the crib, can't find the baby: 'Wait a minute. There's no baby in here.' — then it turns out the baby is in the crib

Jack Donaghy:Jack's response to learning it's a girl: 'I hate to say I told you so... so welcome to Miami.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack says he needs to 'make new tapes' for a daughter — cut to his daughter DVD where he introduces Elizabeth Lemon as the life guide: 'Otherwise, I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth Lemon.'

Liz Lemon:Liz's advice on the daughter DVD: 'Every human has hair on his or her face. Some of us just have more.' / 'If you're running low on laundry, a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear.' / 'Bandanas are a fun, sexy fashion accessory.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack immediately says 'This is over.' Liz: 'Let me give my reasons.' Jack: 'Put potato chips on a sandwich!'