Avery Jessup

Liz (post-anesthesia) · Jack · Avery:What hotel is this? / Would you just keep an eye on her? I'm going to turn down her bed. / I was sure he was making this up.

Jack · Avery:Avery rejects Jack's romantic offer to braid her hair; he insists 'it's romantic and I'm really good at it'

Avery:Avery says she cut ties with her old mentor 'Pat O'Brien, after he shaved his moustache'

Jack · Avery:Jack defends his mentor loyalty: 'I have spent 30 years trying to be that guy.' Avery: 'But you're never going to be! Because no one is! That world doesn't exist anymore!' Jack: 'You're making me sound just like my mother!'

Avery:Avery's news report describes the frontrunner for running NBC as having 'the piercing, blue eyes of a Siberian husky that the job requires'

Avery:Avery quotes Jack on-air: 'I'm going to celebrate by buying my lady friend that necklace she pointed out and then cooking her a Western omelette'

Jack · Avery:'And then, I'm going to braid your hair.' — Jack says this on-air through Avery's news report

Jack · Avery:Jack on the phone: 'I love it when you talk dirty to me' — responding to Avery's business-speak about Q1 results and 'flexibility'

Avery · Jack:'Think slutty Grace Kelly.' / 'Oh, God bless you. I'm picturing it right now.'

Jack · Avery:'And the opposite of that just walked in.' / 'Tell Liz I said hi.' / 'I will.'

Avery:Avery plans for the tabloids: '"Money Bunny Avery Jessup steps out with Sexecutive Jack Donaghy."'

Avery · Liz:Avery, obliviously trying to get Chelsea Handler's attention at the red carpet: 'Chelsea, hey, Chelsea Handler, over here!' while Liz is simultaneously trying to get Toofer's attention about his employment crisis

Avery · Jack:Avery on age difference: 'Sure, people in this restaurant might think you're my dad...' / Jack: 'Or that you're my prostitute.' / Avery: 'Exactly.'

Jack · Avery:Jack, panicking about their age gap: 'I'm just saying, are we kidding ourselves with this? I'm 51 years old. Do you even know who Lee Marvin is?' / Avery: 'The sportscaster who bites ladies. Who cares?'

Avery:Reagan's cufflinks — 'Reagan was buried in. Don't ask how I got them. But I do know the access code to his pyramid.'

Avery · Jack:Jack, receiving Reagan's cufflinks: 'Someday you'll be as great a man as he was.' / Jack: 'I do like jelly beans.'

Avery:You think I don't want to know what Pizzarina Sbarro is going to be wearing?

Avery:I'm on Dodecacil, the pill where you only get your period once a year. We're so close to beating that thing completely.

Avery:It's not really a spa. It's more of a fenced-in area in the Adirondacks.

Avery:'Aloha' means hello and goodbye. So, aloha.

Avery · Jack:What's that supposed to mean, you dumb douche? Oh, it's starting. I should go.

Jack · Avery:Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte who used to rub herself against a tree during recess.

Avery:Maybe it's time for you to carry this baby. Maybe you and Liz can raise it. Crazy hormone swing. Why does everything smell like onions?

Avery · Jack:My God. Are you trying to mentor me? / I am squared away, Donaghy. I get four hours of sleep a night, eat 1,200 calories a day, and my closet has been on the cover of organized living twice.

Jack · Avery:It's impossible. I would never say this to her face, but Lemon is above average. She's got just the right amount of dihc for me. / I hear it, and I don't care.

Jack · Avery:[Name suggestions for baby: Claire, Joanne, 'I look forward to visiting her and her wife... on their farm.' Jacqueline? 'Like a little Jack, but with boobs?' 'Hi, I'm Daphne Donaghy, I saw a turtle!' Kylie — 'She can strip her way through community college.']

Liz · Avery:Release me, you hillbilly Circe! I am life. Revel in the glory of motherhood! Gaia flows through me. Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking.

Carmen · Avery · Liz:I know you're not pregnant. Why don't you just admit it? / She's grabbing oil. Owen... Run!

Avery · Liz:Thank you, Lemon. I owe you. If you want to make it up to me, I have my eye on a toilet pillow from a certain medical supply store.

Jack · Avery:Avery video-calls expecting Skype sex; Jack is using the same device for the baby's FaceTime with mommy

Avery · Jack:Avery: 'Do you want to watch me eat jelly beans... real slow?' Jack: 'Yes.'

Jack · Avery:Avery concludes 'capitalism may be flawed.' Jack: 'My God! What are those monsters doing to her?'

Avery:Avery: 'Nobody here's ever seen an iPhone. I told them it was my razor. I have to shave my legs with it, but they have an app for that.'

Avery:Avery: 'That pansy Harry Truman for not taking down this country when he had the chance.'

Avery:Avery: 'They actually love me here. I already won a North Korean Emmy.'

Avery:Avery: 'Did you also call Sally Ride and her sister?' — jealous that Jack called Condi

Avery:I'm sorry I taste like Korean cigarettes. Tobacco's the only thing with protein over there. Their meat is just deflated kickballs.

Avery:Earlier today, America's credit rating was downgraded to triple fart-minus.

Avery · Scott Scottsman:Jack, this is Scott Scottsman. / My ears are all plugged up from the plane. Am I talking too loud?

Avery:I heard her ask her bear who the dye job is.

Avery · Jack:Avery offers blanket forgiveness for anything Jack did while she was gone — Jack's awkward long pause before accepting it.

Avery:Kim Jong-Il could not be reached for comment because he was having a totally normal day being alive and not dead.

Avery · Scott Scottsman:Thank you. I forgive you. You lose, Jack... Is what Kim Jong-Il said to Jack Nicklaus after defeating him in golf today because they're both totally alive.

Jack · Avery · Liz:I do, Lemon. I wear the pants. / Nice pants, Avery. / And, Liz, good to see you. Your hair's the same. / It's not. Actually, something terrible happened.

Avery:Lloyd Blankfein slithers back into the sewers to eat rotten fish at 6:00.

Avery:And no matter what you say, I am always going to forgive you. Always.

Avery:Until the flight home, the only words I'd ever said to Scott Scottsman were, 'and now with sports, Scott Scottsman.'

Avery:We need a new blender anyway.

Avery · Scott:Scott and I saw each other every day at work, but we're forbidden from speaking. / I was living in an exact replica of Cinderella's castle that Kim Jong-Un had built for his shoe collection. / And I was kept in a pit where they made me beat my best friend to death.

Avery · Scott:The slow-reveal clip of Avery and Scott's news broadcast where they tap a coded message to each other, with Kim Jong-Un winning Miss Universe mentioned in passing.

Avery · Scott · Morning Show Host:The repeated rewinding of the broadcast as Avery keeps saying Scott's name with increasing feeling while Scott tries to complete the sports highlight, and the audience decodes 'It's a code!'

Jack · Avery:Ah, so... How was your day? [Long pause — 07 seconds until next line]

Jack · Avery:"I miss you at night. I think about you all the time. I couldn't get through this without you. Check out Kim Jong-Un's pants. Where's the flood?"

Jack · Avery:[Raises voice] I'm not even angry anymore! / Nor am I! / Do you wanna watch Downton Abbey tonight? / I'd love to! Maggie Smith is a treasure!

Liz · Avery:Great! So no one. / Are you people kidding me? Seriously, no one has anything to say? You're all cowards.

Jack · Avery:I forgot about the TV movie that whitewashed our love story. / I was dating another woman. / And I wasn't ready to get married. / Both: We only did it because... / She was pregnant. / I was pregnant.

Jack · Avery:The only thing you're bad at is quitting. I kept my sea monkeys alive for 30 years.

Avery · Liz:I mean, if we wanted this thing to succeed, why would we ask Liz to officiate? / Because I'm good at blending humor and heart?

Jack · Avery:I'll always care for you. / We'll split assets and custody equally. / I'll take our friends 'A' through 'L.' / You'll get 'M' through 'Z.' / Liz, divorce us.

Liz · Jack · Avery:By the power vested in me by the website instaminister.Estonia, I now pronounce you divorced. / [Laughing] Yeah! Divorce! Whoo!