Liz and Avery try to persuade Jack to disclose two secrets he's been hiding from his mother, who visits for the holidays. Then, Liz tries to repair Jenna's relationship with Paul; and Tracy tries to block his film's release because it undermines his newly invented serious persona.
Holiday chaos sustains 88.5 score via relentless character escalation and absurdist tangents.
Directed by John Riggi · Written by Tracey Wigfield
WAR
139.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Christmas Attack Zone” ranks #41 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 99.1 — Elite. The episode packs 79 scored jokes at 3.3 per minute, averaging 7.9 on craft and 7.7 on impact, with Jack Donaghy landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Jenna Maroney · Paul: You dress as Natalie Portman from Black Swan / and I dress as former Pittsburgh Steelers Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Nominee Lynn Swann. We're two black swans.
Liz Lemon: I once French-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Colleen Donaghy: Most people thought I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot.
Jack Donaghy: But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.
Jack Donaghy Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Colleen Donaghy: I had a couple of rich men die on top of me. It's like something... Like my son sitting on my chest.
All Jokes — 79 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Liz Lemon: You want to go to the Penn Station Kmart with me and then watch Tootsie?
Liz Lemon: My aunt Linda is bringing her new boyfriend, who is neither her age nor her race.
Liz Lemon: Her ex-husband will also be there with his date, alcoholism.
Liz Lemon Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: No, because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer.
Liz Lemon: Ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins? Bare-legged at Christmas.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Reaction Beat Callback Tracy Jordan: As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold the mirror to humanity, and sell Proactiv.
Liz Lemon: Well, they have both had screaming fights with Wyclef Jean.
Jenna Maroney: 'Tom Ford and Elton John invite you to New Queer's Eve.'
Jenna Maroney: Also replicas of the David urinate vodka.
Liz Lemon · Jenna Maroney: The party or Paul? [beat] The party, Liz.
Unknown TGS Producer/Staff: NBC says they want them from every show but us. Good year, everyone.
Jack Donaghy · Avery Jessup: What Christmas card did we end up sending out? 'Happy holidays is what terrorists say.'
Avery Jessup · Liz Lemon: Oh, it's just Liz. Why do people always say that?
Jack Donaghy: Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, so she's been carrying around large objects whenever she's in the building.
Liz Lemon: Please don't say a half sleeve of Oreos.
Avery Jessup: That's why I like dating older men. Their parents are usually dead or senile, so there's never an argument about the holidays.
Liz Lemon: I have been watching The Mentalist a lot lately, because my TV's on CBS, and I lost my remote. I think I've become a body-language expert.
Liz Lemon: For instance, I can now tell that Jack wants to kill the person to his right.
Liz Lemon Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Callback Jack Donaghy: We Donaghys believe that, when there's something at all delicate to talk about, it is best to suppress it until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue.
Avery Jessup: The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings.
Jack Donaghy · Kenneth: Jack addresses his assistant as 'K-L-M-N-O-P'
Jack Donaghy: Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P.
Tracy Jordan: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chunk. Damn, that's funky. Obesity is killing the African-American community... With laughter.
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell: I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth. Charlie Rose! Oh, that's horrible.
Tracy Jordan: From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keeffe, or both.
Colleen Donaghy: I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. I mean, where's the fun of sending it back because it isn't hot?
Colleen Donaghy: What are my chums at the death shore retirement community gonna say when I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a Protestant?
Colleen Donaghy: It should have gone to the other boy! [as the thing she did to ruin Jack's scholarship celebration]
Colleen Donaghy: Most people thought I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot.
Jack Donaghy: Milton, I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow. I'm having a little Christmas dinner, and I want you to be my guest of honor.
Milton Greene · Jack Donaghy: Well, it is a little sudden, but, yes, I'd love to come to your holiday dinner. Christmas. It's Christmas dinner.
Liz Lemon: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a transvestite.
Liz Lemon: Honestly, I don't think I've seen her this upset since hurricane Katrina. The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.
Liz Lemon Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Paul: I don't think about Jenna anymore. I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her or photographing her with just salamanders covering her nipples.
Paul Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Restaurant Manager · Liz Lemon: You can't be on the floor without your roller skates, Rick. I'm not Rick.
Jack Donaghy: Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.
Jack Donaghy: But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.
Jack Donaghy Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Milton Greene: And, Liz, you're already showing.
Milton Greene: There's no wrong way to make a family. [hands Jack a book with this title]
Milton Greene: Milton reveals his son's name is 'Spider-Man'
Milton Greene: We have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself. My son Spider-Man turned out just fine.
Liz Lemon: I once French-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: Lemon, we all know what mistakes are.
Jack Donaghy: Don't worry. I sent her to the east wing. It's very confusing. It was designed by M.C. Escher.
Liz Lemon: These stairs are weird. [Liz navigating the M.C. Escher wing]
Liz Lemon Reaction Beat Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy Jordan: Russell Crowe is having an auction 'to benefit the victims of his own mood swings'
Tracy Jordan: Ladies and children of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking.
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Tracy Jordan: You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives.
Kenneth Parcell: Comedy is just as important as drama. People need to laugh, especially in these tough times. And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine? Except for insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.
Colleen Donaghy: I see you brought the bag that my bastard grandchild will come in.
Colleen Donaghy: Is she drunk, Jack? Because, you know, when you're pregnant, one bottle of wine a day, and that's it.
Jack Donaghy: Mother, you must remember Milton Greene, my father and your shameful sex secret.
Milton Greene · Jack Donaghy: Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds and road trips in my V.W. van. Yeah, or other things.
Colleen Donaghy: He's a good boy. He got me a kidney... From Elvis Costello.
Liz Lemon: It's speechless.
Liz Lemon: The reason I'm not with my family right now is because I didn't want any drama, and that's all I'm getting, first from these 'jagwagons' and now you.
Liz Lemon · Jenna Maroney: Paul is the reason you're upset. It's not about this party. It's about the party. I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as baby new year.
Colleen Donaghy: Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone. [Colleen to herself, with a scheming expression]
Tracy Jordan · Dot Com: Damn it. I can't get Kenneth out of my head. Actually, he's behind you, Tray. He rode over here with us. You talked to him the whole ride.
Tracy Jordan: Ladies and children, I give you The Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas. Lights. [beat] Damn Christmas lights blew a... Aah!
Colleen Donaghy · Jack Donaghy: My arm is numb. What are you doing now, mother?
Colleen Donaghy: I had a couple of rich men die on top of me. It's like something... Like my son sitting on my chest.
Milton Greene · Jack Donaghy: Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor. Of history.
Jack Donaghy: In what emergency would you be necessary? If someone wanted to know whether the '60s were awesome or not? They were.
Avery Jessup: You need to meet our daughter, little Colleen.
Colleen Donaghy: Seems like people are back on my side, Jackie.
Paul: Can I get you a cup of coffee or an absinthe enema?
Paul Absurdist Character Comedy Jenna Maroney · Paul: You dress as Natalie Portman from Black Swan / and I dress as former Pittsburgh Steelers Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Nominee Lynn Swann. We're two black swans.
Milton Greene: Well, it is a druid solstice miracle that it wasn't a heart attack.
Jack Donaghy: Yes, I do believe a heart is required.
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: I have a crush on the Mentalist. Just family only, Lemon, damn it.
Liz Lemon: Liz describes what she's going home to: 'Aunt Linda trying to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking.'
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy Jordan: And I hope everybody — everybody have a merry Christmas. And somebody needs to clean this table up. It's disgusting. Fred, wake up. Merry Christmas from The Chunks.
Milton Greene: Milton piles on: 'He's a doctor, for God's sake.' (defending Colleen's criticism of Jack)
Jack Donaghy: Just my mom and dad yelling at me together.
Jack Donaghy: Milton, the Clinton boom years were just an after-effect of Reaganomics, and, mother, you cannot invite anyone to the wedding.
Colleen Donaghy: What happened to the heart attack?
Colleen Donaghy: Colleen: 'You insult your own intelligence.'
Colleen Donaghy: You insult your own intelligence. I'll invite anybody I want to this wedding, to this wedding or any other wedding.
