Christmas Attack Zone

Liz:You want to go to the Penn Station Kmart with me and then watch Tootsie?

Liz:My aunt Linda is bringing her new boyfriend, who is neither her age nor her race. And her ex-husband will also be there with his date, alcoholism.

Liz:I swoop in the next day for presents and pie.

Jack · Liz:Because my youthful energy makes her feel young? No, because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer.

Liz:Ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins? Bare-legged at Christmas.

Tracy:As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold the mirror to humanity, and sell proactiv.

Liz · Jenna:Ever since Tracy got nominated for a Golden Globe, he thinks he's Sean Penn. Well, they have both had screaming fights with Wyclef Jean.

Jenna:Also replicas of the David urinate vodka.

Liz · Jenna:The party or Paul? The party, Liz.

Jack:Happy holidays is what terrorists say.

Liz:Oh, it's just Liz. Why do people always say that?

Jack:Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, so she's been carrying around large objects whenever she's in the building.

Avery:That's why I like dating older men. Their parents are usually dead or senile, so there's never an argument about the holidays.

Liz:I have been watching The Mentalist a lot lately, because my tv's on CBS, and I lost my remote. I think I've become a body-language expert.

Liz:For instance, I can now tell that Jack wants to kill the person to his right.

Jack:We Donaghys believe that, when there's something at all delicate to talk about, it is best to suppress it until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue.

Liz:The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings

Liz:I am 'The Mentaliz.'

Jack:Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P.

Tracy:Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chunk. Damn, that's funky. Obesity is killing the african-american community... With laughter.

Tracy:It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool.

Tracy · Kenneth:I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, Charlie Rose! Oh, that's horrible.

Tracy:From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the holocaust, Georgia O'Keeffe, or both.

Colleen:I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. I mean, where's the fun of sending it back because it isn't hot?

Colleen:What are my chums at the death shore retirement community gonna say... When I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a protestant?

Colleen:It should have gone to the other boy!

Colleen:Most people thought I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot.

Liz:Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a transvestite.

Liz:The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.

Paul:I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her or photographing her with just salamanders covering her nipples.

Restaurant Manager · Paul:You can't be on the floor without your roller skates, Rick. I'm not Rick.

Jack:Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.

Liz:I could be sitting at the corner table at the Kmart Cafe right now.

Jack:But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.

Milton:Oh, Jack, this is going to be the best winter's Eve light festival ever.

Milton · Liz:'Joy, beautiful spark of the gods, daughter of Elysium.' And, Liz, you're already showing.

Milton:It's a girl! She'll be intuitive.

Milton · Avery · Jack:By the way, we have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself. Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense. Absolutely not. Well, suit yourself, but my son Spider-Man turned out just fine.

Liz:I once french-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.

Jack · Liz:It was designed by M.C. Escher. These stairs are weird.

Kenneth:I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans were my parents.

Tracy:Russell Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

Tracy:In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones.

Kenneth:Except for Insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.

Avery:My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have for the next two seconds.

Avery:Because, you know, when you're pregnant, one bottle of wine a day, and that's it.

Colleen:He got me a kidney... From Elvis Costello.

Milton:Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds and road trips in my V.W. van.

Jenna:I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as baby new year.

Colleen:Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone.

Tracy:Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking.

Tracy:You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.

Dot Com:Actually, he's behind you, Tracy. He rode over here with us. You talked to him the whole ride.

Tracy:I give you The Chunks 2: A very chunky Christmas.

Colleen:I had a couple of rich men die on top of me.

Milton:Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor. Of history.

Jack · Milton:In what emergency would you be necessary... If someone wanted to know whether the '60s were awesome or not? They were.

Colleen:Seems like people are back on my side, Jackie.

Paul · Jenna:You dress as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Swan, and I dress as former Pittsburgh Steelers Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Nominee Lynn Swann. We're two black swans.

Liz:I have a crush on the mentalist.

Liz:I'm gonna go get a bus to white haven now, and I should be home just in time for aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking.

Jack:Just my mom and dad yelling at me together.

Colleen:You insult your own intelligence.

Colleen:You are a war criminal. I hate to say it.

Tracy:And somebody needs to clean this table up. It's disgusting.