Kenneth Parcell

Pete got fired this morning. That's so weird that you don't know that.

Kenneth, how long you been sitting there? I'm taking Pete's place, he's in the bathroom, laying in his own sick.

I think I have what they refer to as a royal flush.

All clovers. I win.

I've got a 2, a 4, a 9, a 6, and a king. That means I win.

Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And, also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.

And I got that 'Baby on Board' sign you wanted to help you get tail

From Yankee Stadium. Yes, sir!

When I get nervous, I ask a lot of questions. Do y'all have a bathroom I could use? Y'all have long fingernails. Now do y'all rent this space, or do you own it? Hey, that's a funny-looking fish. What is that, like a grapefruit knife?

Excuse me, do y'all just have noodles with butter?

Meep.

Blue man! That blue dude keeps following me! Meek, eep.

Well, I got started in the NBC page program. And before you know it, I'm making hit movies with my good friend, and roommate, Zach Braff.

Well, I got started in the NBC page program. And before you know it, I'm making hit movies with my good friend, and roommate, Zach Braff.

Because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.

Or being chained to a wall in someone's sex dungeon.

Mama, you carried me for nine months. Let me carry you now.

I have a small ferret farm about 60 miles north of the city.

I can get cable if you want, 'cause I know how much you like the TV.

Sometimes I watch you watching it.

I was talking about you at work today, Mother. I think my boss, Mr. Jack Donaghy, wishes you were his mother.

It's just like Charlie's Angels!

I'm looking at the kooky skeleton right now. I love it! You're the best mother in the whole world!

What's up, flabby butt? You look weird today.

Cheese and crackers, that smarts!

That way, by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.

Because they make television. And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.

From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon.

From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics to the less fun Winter Olympics.

I want to see a show where women get their hair done, while listening to salsa music.

It's called Gold Case. It's Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.

Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night. Give me your fingernails!

As far as compensation goes, I would like to be officially the head of the pages, and I need a new clock radio.

Also I want five points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.

Also I want five points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.

Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end?

And I'd boff Kenneth. What?! Really?

In fact, she's pretty sure I'm the reincarnated soul of Adrian Twyfer. He was our town minister who died in an organ fire.

No, I think she's kind of like Dr Pepper.

If I blew it, then how did I get her underpants?

We have a past. A romantic past.

Well, Grace, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Doggone it, Grace, I just don't know myself around you.

I believe Tracy's referring to Carlton, the straight laced brother from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, 1990 through 1996. On NBC.

I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

So to quote Mr. Jerry McGuire....you make me a complete person.

When you said hello, you had me.

Can't do that. Make it 4:00 AM. / That's no good. / 10:00. / Stop insulting me. / 3:00 AM. / Midnight. / You bring the coffee. / 2:30, you bring the coffee. / That's my final. / Done.

The sun'll come out Tomorrow... Fa la la la

You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you European kissed last night was actually a gentleman...

Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.'s number, so I gave it to him. / You did what? / Damn it, K, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mom on how they both mad at the twins.

What's your game, man? Boggle.

Ah, than Ahman-da. It's Amanda.

Aren't you the man who told me to live every week like it's Shark Week? And that nothing's impossible except for dinosaurs.

Oh, will he be mad when you give them back?

Well, sir, your mother must not have raised you right, 'cause you're not saying very nice things.

We haven't been Presbyterian for months. And y'all always meet on Wednesday nights? Yeah, we lose half the congregation every time American Idol starts up.

Or your job, Jack. Or his job!

So what team do you play for? / Oh, it's not really a team. It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics.

I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable. Like in the movies!

Oh my. That's an awful short robe. / I know. I had to cut it down myself.

Can you give me a hand, Kenneth? / For a fellow page, anything!

I had to keep talking just to stop him from putting his fingers in my mouth.

Like on What's Happening when that man used Rerun to bootleg that Doobie Brothers concert!

Just like Sydney Bristow on Alias, I'll use my sexuality as a weapon.

Well, that doesn't even make sense. Everyone knows Fat Bitch died at the end.

Well, remember when Fat Bitch called all her dog friends together, and they used their high-pitched howling to mess...

You're never gonna lose a job to a guy named Garkel.

Oh, Tracy, you can't use any of my songs.

Rooster, this is the farmer. Is the egg safe? The egg is in the nest.

Oh, my God, what a terrible mistake accident!

If I die, will you take care of my birds? I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken. Oh. Tweety.

He doesn't mess with 'em. He just tries to get 'em into computer school.

So he's, like, my office wife? Sure. Let's go with that.

Kenneth parcell, will you take this ring... and sell it in the jewish part of midtown, and use the money to get us a nintendo wii? Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes!

I went with you to your black vampire movie. But I guess I'll just tell my friends that you have a migraine.

I picked out all these throw pillows for in here, and you didn't even notice!

Mr. Banks, Mr. Donaghy eats guys like you as part of a healthy breakfast.

Heart attack? Really? Right, Mr. D? High five! Not now? Okay.

Hello, Angie. I hear you're single now. That's cool. What? I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.

I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken. Jiminy Christmas!

I'm gonna fatten you up, grow to love you, and then my uncles'll slit your throat

It made my dad's heart just up and give out. And that's what made my mom's friend Ron move in

Tell her you like her nails. Always works for me at the bank

Usually, but now you got me thinking about it.

Smooth move, Exlax

Well, it turns out she's the wrong kind of crazy.

They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork.

It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and I put it inside that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight that nothing would never, ever, ever get out

And I sealed it up so tight that nothing would never, ever, ever get out.

I'd give cookie jars about a 'B.'

Man, this is Phil spector's entourage all over again.

Please, I breast fed 'til I was 11. So I've forgotten more about a woman's chest than you'll ever know.

But... I'm on TV. I said, 'good day.' No, you didn't. Well, I meant to.

It's a savage contest. Mixing physical stamina with NBC trivia.

I'm just a simple pig farmer's son.

Hope you're ready to party like it's 1999. Which, according to my Bible, will be in seven years.

Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. Mr. Lutz, you ate all my parakeet's medication.

And thanks to you, Sonny Crockett has been having seizures all morning.

Mr. Jordan, I saw you steal my sink.

Mr. Jordan, I saw you steal my sink.

Harlem Globetrotter... does that name mean nothing to you?

I will have you know that before last night, I had never, ever seen Grizz or Dotcom cry.

You were all present at Kenneth parcell's last party ever.

'Cause I saw on Martha Stewart how we're all doing everything wrong.

Sweet peaches! What have I done? Somewhere along the way, they must have slipped out the bottom.

Uncle butch was right. I'm just a stupid country bumpkin with great skin and soft hands.

They cost $2,500. I will find your pants!

For men, it's called a Hardy Boy.

And I tried looking in the last place you'd ever expect. And, no, Mr. Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies' room at that laser tag place on 12th avenue.

Well, sure, 'cause that Verizon wireless service is just unbeatable. I mean, if I saw a phone like that on TV, I would be like, 'where is my nearest retailer so I can... get one?'

We Parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised, but we are proud.

Oh, sorry. This is my dream journal. They've all come true so far.

And they all seem to really hate my grandpa 'cause they keep yelling, 'Kill Whitey.' And I'm like, 'What do you think you are, alcohol?'

And they won't listen, especially when I say, 'Don't hit me with my own shoes.'

Which ReShon?

I lived in Lowell House and was a member of the Signet Society.

What's your favorite pizza topping? Mine's plain, but I like others.

I don't know why it was so urgent you have it before noon.

She took a bus to Atlanta. She got JetBlue to accept an Amtrak ticket.

Christmas is about gratitude and togetherness. Sitting with friends and family around a crackling fire, waiting for the owl meat to cook.

Sometimes I don't think you people understand Christmas at all.

We can play party games... like 'Murder'! First, everybody takes a slip of paper out of a hat. And one person's slip says 'murderer,' and another person's slip says 'inspector.' Then everyone puts their head down. Except the murderer... He's the inspector. No, that's not right.

We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree! / Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Chop it down! / No! No, wait!

I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature.

It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain.

You know what we've never done, Grizz? Fight each other!

If you're not reading the bible in German, you're not getting the real versteckte Bedeutung of it.

Mr. Donaghy is not in the positions to worry himself this occurrence. But your bussiness makings are much importance to his heart.

One, if I found any MacKenzies living up here, I would kill them.

I also went to a PG-13 movie. I-I bought a pair of sunglasses. I tried a Jewish doughnut.

I'd always been told that New York was the 21st century city of Sodom. And look what's happened. I've become one of them. I've been sodomized.

there's an 11:45 and I was misinformed about the time

I know toofer would never use the word 'poo,' so it's not him.

The game... is about...to change!

The stress of this is making me awful sleepy.

The stress of this is making me awful sleepy.

Miss lemon,your eyes look like my uncle's after he would drink from the air-conditioner.

Needless to say i grumbled about you to anyone who would listen.

And you don't look good in jeans from behind.

Son of a married couple, Bucky Bright!

Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the lord's name.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Chinatown to pick up some human growth hormones so that Mr. Jordan's tigers don't realize that he's aging

Is it the 8 of diamonds? Nope.

His flute.

Everyone knows the only thing we should be ashamed of is our bodies.

Well,I am wearing a cuffed trouser today.

I didn't hear hand washing!

Once a year, the Teamsters go to this Italian sandwich shop in Brooklyn. No one knows what it's called or where it is. It's a Teamster secret.

And the dipping sauce. Oh, joy! God bless us, every one!

the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

This smells just like Hill People Milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!

Bad news, archers. President Carter has decided to boycott the Moscow Games. Peanut farmer.

Saboteur!

Donny? Parcell. I thought you'd be coming out of that door.

Did someone say 'Donny'? No. No. Oh. It's pretty muffled in there.

It's hard for me to watch 'American Idol,' because I have perfect pitch. Oh. Ew.

It's hard for me to watch 'American Idol' 'cause there's a water bug on my channel changer.

My video game is selling through the rizznoof! Well, how far through the 'rizznoof'? Whoa, that's not slang. He has a speech impediment.

I think I did it alone... and this check is the prizznoof. Now that one was just him being obnoxious.

Three of my nine siblings were adopted. And someday, I'm gonna find them.

Do you know what imperative means? Tell me, tell me! Important. It means important.

Mr. Banks... look how many pushups I can do.

She reminds me of my own mom. Tough love, consistency, a little moustache in a certain light.

You probably didn't recognize me in this new page uniform.

The old uniforms were timeless, practical, sexy.

I just makes me wanna pee on someone.

or a satisfying finale to the hit NBC Television series Night Court.

Gosh, last time I was blindfolded was when I had to play the piano at that weird masquerade party.

First I find that quarter this morning-- um... I lost a quarter. Earlier.

then the show must go onward.

I know i was a handful when my family moved from our farm house to that militia camp in the woods.

After years of inbreeding, the pigs are getting violent. And the pig shield around the house has worn thin.

Well,that would be great if pigs weren't excellent swimmers.

I did some street performing in my neighborhood this weekend.

We parcells have eaten our share of rock soup and squirrel tail. But we've also known lean times.

Does anyone need water or saltines? I would feel safer with some saltines.

A ghetto mating call.

Next stop, kansas city.

Singing in the elevator. It's like a road trip to the sky!

'Once again, I apologize that our regular warm-up comic O.D.'d at a gay man's apartment this morning'

With your flat, manly, milking thumbs and your long, graceful knuckle hair

Oh, no! I must have ox fever! When did I walk barefoot near an ox?

I'm 'A-oh-boy.'

Wrapped in a Confederate Flag, fried and fed to dogs.

I wasn't resting! A Parcell man never lies down on the job. Unless that job involves... milking pig teats.

Oh... Oh, ma chère maman! Pourquoi? Pourquoi m' as tu laissè?

Oh, you want to hear a tale of the Hill Witch?

My Mee-maw saw her once taking away a boy who wouldn't eat his vegetables.

One look turns you to stone and then she gorges on your living brain.

And my page desk will be turned sideways.

Look at me! I'm a monster! The Hill Witch! Cover your brain!

That's a federal offense! And you already have 2 strikes.

Muppets Take Manhattan. Caddyshack. And a documentary about how pies are made.

That's no good for you. You're allergic to dogs. Guess I'll have to step in then.

He pulled an uncle Harland Parcell last night. Minus the wistful jug blowing.

What did you not understand? That picture is from a dog food ad.

Do I? I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for the mouth on my back.

Okay, there is something about Jennifer that just makes me all carsick inside.

Well, cotton and fiddles. I enjoy your smile.

It's a Valentine's date-li-doo!

I didn't know it was a French restaurant. Yes, I found it on my favorite website StopShowingOff.com.

And when I'm with you, my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies.

That is cold, blind lady! Oh, and by the way... you are not so attractive, yourself. No, I'm... I'm pretty sure I'm hot. Yes, you are. I tried.

Oh, Miss Lemon, I can't leave Manhattan on page business. NBC's interns doesn't cover it.

Say it. Say I'm your friend. Fine. You're my friend, Kenneth. Let's go.

That's my TV!

Aww, I just got tagged.

Oh, was it 'The Day is Done My Sweet, For the Lambs Have Been Decapitated?'

then I will not rest until I get my friend her phone.

I knew it! That's '99 Red Balloons,' Nena's famous anti-balloon protest song.

Adult? You mean like you're driving a car or wearing a suit?

I would thank you to give the lady its cell phone back.

Because I'm having an asbestos removal party in my apartment on Sunday

And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.

Are you pickling squirrel meat? Because I can lend you my skull presser.

You guys are my best friends.

The pig spoor has hit the wind spinner.

And I keep starting to sneeze... but nothing comes out.

So, it's kind of like a 'funcooker'.

One hug, you mean?

Oh, is that code for some kind of older gal medical procedure?

Well, don't get too attached. As soon as people realize his tonics don't work it's on to the next town.

Catalog photos of expectant mothers in their swimming suits?

You look just how I picture Mary Magdalene. / You're what I think Judas looks like.

Oh, no! When I get upset my accent come out. And when it gets to comin' out, I can't get to talkin', nuh-uh!

Nope, I lost it, that was Batman.

I know Mr. Jordan like the back of my stepfather Ron's hand.

I know that by 'binky' he means 1970s pornography.

I know that by 'binky' he means 1970s pornography.

Hello, Studio 6-H. This is... Cranston.

Plus, I've started to dream as Cranston.

I guess I'm only farm-strong, and not heart-strong.

Every time you move his head, his head moves! Look!

Kenneth, I wonder what it's like seeing the world through your eyes. I don't know, Mr. Donaghy. I think I see the world pretty much the same as everyone else.

Musical sequence about Kenneth's simple joy

You've got all of these fancy presents from business associates and this big empty house to store them in.

I remember that girl. She cried all day.

Oh, is that Billie Jean King?

The assistants talked about last night At finnegan's, the bar we all go to after work... in my dreams.

But you are here. I can see you.

I feel like i'm the pelican brief! Do i already know too much?

Oh, and one thing, don't go into my bedroom. / What? / Do not go into my bedroom.

tashonda from time warner cable Is on the phone And she's offering three free months of showtime. But we have to act now.

I was wrong. That was not important enough.

I will be sure to let him know As soon as he's done firing steven lee from microwaves.

it is not enough that you killed the bird I've had for almost 60 years.

it is not enough that you killed the bird I've had for almost 60 years.

I may just be a non-Special,

looks like i've got some naming to do. Pat. Balthazar. Donna. lorne. michael.

You're on s-e-x probation.

Mr. Donaghy,help! Rule breaking!

I learned that from dr. King! I'm brave!

And said pretty boys like me shouldn't be filling their heads with ideas.

He has a ridge on the section of the skull associated with deviousness.

And not because of my acute ventralitis.

I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long-term plan to marry her,

But someone atthe today show made me eat an unripe bana in front of her.

Dotcom,i forgot to get you extra mustard.

Except for the mustard that comes with the sandwich.

Oh,really? I love you too,dotcom.

Why are you smiling? You're freaking me out.

You're crazy!

Oh, Miss Lemon, we can't have coconut products out anymore because of staff allergies. / What? No, allergies are psychosomatic.

If I have a strawberry, my throat shuts up faster than a girl in math class.

You know, if my cousin Stephanie eats a walnut her throat shuts up faster than a Filipino at a... / Guys! Come on. Not okay.

La Viuda Negra! / What? What does that mean? / The Black Widow.

My current theory is she's the mother of those Michael Jackson kids.

Oh, you mean my mouth radio?

When you call 911, tell them they have to send everyone.

Sure, I was legally dead for five minutes but I did it for true love.

Well, don't worry. Once it tries to mate with a child, I'm sure animal control will just shoot it.

She bit off my nut sack That I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels.

The gibbon did not attack Jenna. He was trying to mate with her face.

I know, but I have a hard time guessing the age of black Americans. Black shoes are the best shoes.

Liz and Kenneth testing Tracy's age with Rob Base's 'It Takes Two' - Tracy performs it perfectly despite claiming to be 39

Liz saving half a muffin 'to eat later' and the observation about what 21-year-old wraps half a muffin

Kenneth's casual mention of trying to steal his dead neighbor's identity because 'sometimes things get overwhelming' and he might need to 'get in the car and drive away'

Discovery that Donald is 40 years old, making him older than Tracy

And they said you can drop up to five 'f-bombs.'

Campbell was actually Mr. Campbell, his science teacher. His science teacher was a drug dealer?

Because you're not a bad-bleep O.G. You're a sensitive artist.

[Thinking]: And so began the craziest summer of my life. How'd you say that without moving your mouth?

As the Hill People say, 'Parcell gaw say del go up de saw say'

Dah don say da bay ton daw

Kenneth? Boo! Thank you, sir.

Hey, he's got a girl's middle name too

All those zeros. It's downright un-American.

'Bonus' means 'extra'. I know that from game shows.

I would like you to sign your name to a piece of paper that says, 'I am a big, ol' liar.'

They are a blanket union that includes mall Santas, horse whisperers, and bucket drummers.

What show are you assigned to again? Donahue.

Would you like something to eat? I have some leftover turtle meat from dinner. Or as you would call it, 'bonus' turtle meat.

There's a bar in the shower that the previous tenant installed to keep from slipping. He still died in there, though.

Those glasses are for display only.

Sir, you sound like the mall Santas when they come back from lunch.

A piece of paper that I can't really tell you about! Was this strike just over a personal thing between you and Mr. Donaghy? Massage it, Kenneth. No, it wasn't!

oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. it's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.

i never even had a dog, 'cause, as my mom would say, you can't eat love.

and as my mom's friend ron would say, 'the donkey died. you're the donkey now, kenneth. just another animal. might as well be a rat. an adorable rat, who shows you it's okay to be scared during a thunderstorm.'

But at least he died doing what he loved... blogging on the huffington post.

as her own grandma hutchins.

I don't really remember the brady bunch,'cause I was too young.

Although when the parcells first came to America, they lived in a town called sexcriminalboat.

Two hobos sharing a bean... lady airline pilots.

You see,the chuckle is the part of the pig between the tail and the anus.

miss lemon did say, 'keep this away from jenna.' But she may have meant the jenna that works downstairs at that luggage store

Ozark kisses? the woodsman's companion?

Back in stone mountain, even the mayor had bedbugs. And she was a horse.

Mr. donaghy's got blue ridge quilt ticklers. Oh, sorry. bedbugs

A taxicab!

You have mugabe's concubines. No, bedbugs!

i don't think you did, sir. I've just got the one pair, and i sleep in them

♪ makin' a new friend ♪ ♪ sure ain't easy ♪ ♪ and that's how two become one ♪

Yad sdrawkcab tsuj s'ti sseug i,yako.

What am i going to do next? What am i going to do next?

i knew you would say yes,lemon. i knew you would say yes,lemon.

I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.

Who said i've been alive forever?

Just kidding. There won't be a network. But whatever people are watching, i want to be in charge of it.

If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?

Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

But I'm gonna be grumpy until the end this sentence.

A picture of President Obama. For the muslims. I'm gonna let that one slide.

And a bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out in the tradition of Verdukianism.

Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is catholic.

Tonight is the Verdukian holiday of mouth pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blonde virgin.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.

My angry God is punishing them. It's a Christmas miracle.

no,no,no,no. okay,but i was gonna describe it real good.

as you know,on new year's,i finally met my birth parents. so. thank you for asking about that!

that happens sometimes when i unhinge my pelvis.

it'll be like the da vinci code. ehh albino monk! that's a mirror,kenneth.

i just took my picture with that little camera thing. kenneth! all right. i just need to erase that picture. whoops,i just made it the desktop image.

if you type "nancy's secrets" into the internet,do you have any idea what comes up? a store that sells wig extensions.

that's the most divorced sentence i've ever heard.

they spell "klaus." your name in german class.

you should buy a leather jacket!

hey, kenneth, why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light? you'll have to ask the fella who whittled 'em for me.

not for a billion doll hairs. i'm sorry.Did you say 'doll hairs'? yeah, they're not worth nothing.

These gentlemen are the writers for Bruins Beat, Whose offices we'll be sharing. They are all named Sean. They are mean, and I hate it here.

I am Silas Marymount-Peppercorn, And this is my first wife... Moronica.

My wife and I have disparate levels of attractiveness, because I am a successful inventor.

While I tell you a funny story About my friend's cat. His name is Mr. Wiggles, And his cat's name is Benson.

funny story. There was a guy on the subway Who I thought for a second didn't have any fingers. But then I realized He was holding his hand like this.

I will be attending an all-day abstinence rally. You're welcome to come. I think I've got an extra gender-neutralizing hood.

Oh, my God! Who did this? I don't know. I guess some weirdo out there loves you.

On his way to work, he found some magic beans, and because he believed in them...

Just like that movie I only saw the first 10 minutes of- Fatal Attraction

Everything always works out for the best

I just threw my wallet out the window

It keeps me from... Hee-haw, hee-haw! Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell

Even if he does come from a country that's nothing more than the dried husk America came out of

Like when Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest. Or when Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him

So here's da ting. You need to come in today so the doctor can check dem teeth, mon

You're going Irish! / Cool runnings, mon. Bobsled

Stay away, I will bite you! Hee-haw!

And without my wallet, I don't even have my lucky rabbit's spine

Bobsled.

No, this is not possible. / But it is. / I knew my wallet would turn up. And it did

Oh, I am either very happy right now, or I'm having a pretty bad donkey spell

Feel like I'm back at school learning about the dangers of book readin.

My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers in catalogues.

You should come up with a shortcut word for it, Like, 'ivatrennapra.'

Silly Mr. Hornberger. Always saying hate when he means love.

Legend has it, the only bait That'll catch old gus is a piece of old Gus himself. So everytime they catch him, they cut off a litlle piece of him so they can catch him again

Now how did the very first person catch old Gus? Well, that's a story for another time-- Right now.

Space, space, space, space, space, Space, my autobiography, space, space, Space, space, space, by Kenneth Ellen Parcell.

What would you like for dinner, Mr. Jordan-- Barbecue or me?

You shut your mouth!

Put the electric dog collar on me. It would be my honor.

Wait. I don't walk that well.

[whimpering] I had nowhere else to go! [dog barking] Dog! Dog attack! [screaming]

Oh, my, what a gorgeous swamp eagle.

I was about to suggest the same thing.

Sorry--mrs. Argus.

ooh, that's a car alarm.

Or how bread turns into toast.

Her name might be Cheryl, and she was wearing a red shirt in 1984.

♪ Oh, the fiddle's in the creek ♪ ♪ and the frog's in the kitchen ♪ I apologize, ma'am. That is not a song.

You make me very nervous. Oh, my God.

Mrs. Donaghy keeps tricking me and running away, but not anymore. Carl, they need you out in the hall. Yes, ma'am!

I've got to get back to calling Kenneth 'carl' to see if he ever corrects me. Carl! Yes, ma'am?

Carl would never let you down. Carl, that does not sound right. Kevin--no. Who am I? Is it Keith? No, that's not-- yes, I'm Keith.

Comma, bald category.

Comma, beautiful hair category, parentheses, strong.

Get it yourself, Chubbs. I'm on a coffee break.

Ring-ring. Hmm. What's up? Nothing. Just giving a dumb tour to a bunch of uggos.

Let's meet up later And smoke some drug cigarettes.

Everyone there smiles creepily all the time. And that's sort of my thing.

You won't have Kenneth Ellen Parcell to kick around anymore,

Your East coast media elite problems, Your apartment renovations, And your overpriced star wars memorabilia.

I have watched you Throw away better food Than my family eats at Christmas. And I have loved it.

So kiss my face!

Would an imaginary me know that you have a mole on your list of pets to get? Or that your favorite color is rainbow?

They gave me a tote bag with The Mentalist on it!

Good night, bear! Good night moon... Soon Park from accounting

Just like the time I was cleaning my closet, and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed...

Just like the time I was cleaning my closet, and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed...

Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you?

Your ability to hide your true feelings is part of your great strength.

Imagine that your favorite corn chip manufacturer also owned the number one diarrhea medication. That'd be great, they could put a little sample of the medicine in each bag.

I don't know, ma'am. You made me think about it, and when I get to thinkin' 'bout it, it juh get worse.

Now you're untied? Have you two been talking?

He is pitching a no-hitter!

Starting at 4:00 p.m. Yesterday, when Mr. Donaghy coined the word 'innoventually,' he has been flawless.

Because you have so many unsolvable problems. Like your mouth. It looks like someone kicked a hole in a bag of flour!

We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and Poppy. Are those some of your pigs? Yes.

She must have thought you meant credit card. How many cashiers are at that store? Two! This is fun!

I don't understand what you're saying, but I like that it has the word 'we' in it!

Yes, 'Bappy Hirthday, Gremlin'.

Adding brick after brick to our friendship castle so it someday reaches the sky!

If Cookie Puss knew, he'd tear us apart with his fangs!

And with enough money, they could buy those magic beans from that old hermit. We'd be rich!

Isn't it 'Frasier'? No, it's 'Frajer'. And I should know. I'm Frajer.

Tom was a fellow from my town we accidentally buried alive.

Funny story, after we dug him back up, he tried to kill all of us.

Like the song, I am taking on my business.

Then you said, 'read back what we have so far.'

I was attacked in my apartment...

'Zing leg-tubes, Liz. Vunderhinder!

Lying perfectly still reminds me of hiding under our porch during a hill people rampage.

That game is not for softhands and faceworkers. It's for strongs and lifters.

You know my uncle was a tinkerer. Until the FBI shot him.

But after I left Kentucky Mountain Bible College, it still kept going. Until it was shut down because of the wolves.

Television studies with a minor in Bible sexuality.

At least that's what my Nana is telling me from that tunnel of light behind you.

Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal. Also, in the background, I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.

Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking.

So far, I have 8 'nos' and 25 'shove it up your goon-holes.'

Why did she have to say 'Harold'?

And so am I! I'm Cheryl.

Please let Harold be human. / Harold was a pig.

But I needed $300 for the river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket.

Why, I once ate an entire witch. A pig was nothing!

I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.

It was Harold, and I ate all of him... even the face, in case of a tie.

Look how small my head is. / Oh, my! It's so tiny!

I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, Charlie Rose! Oh, that's horrible.

I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans were my parents.

Except for Insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.

That's what Ann Curry and Subhas the janitor tried to tell me. That was five years ago.

What I don't get is this is Danny's dressing room.

I was holding in a 'snart,' and then right when she took the photo...

Don't you want to know what a 'snart' is? I can tell you now. It's 10:00. 10:00 in the morning.

when I look into a mirror, there's just a white haze

I couldn't put the memo in your mailbox, 'cause it's full of unread adoption materials

Is she doing an expose on how feminism has led to a happiness crisis among educated women?

May I kiss your stomach? Absolutely not. Hello, beautiful. It's Uncle Wutzy.

Not what my uncle does when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that.

You didn't steal anything from me, sir. Last time I checked, best friends can't steal from each other.

Isn't that just Easter?

It doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds. You got that right, son. One...Mississippi...

Success is a double-edged sword.

You ever hear of the 'Peter Principle'? Yes. Just now.

On D-Day, my grandfather wore a German uniform under his American one, just in case.

And I know, because I've looked it up for you a dozen times!

What, this? I got hit by a bird on a roller coaster.

I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.

Mr. D'Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or strap-on Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead

Michael. Are you back on meth? / Mm-hmm. No. Why? You got some?

I forgot to write the rest of this letter.

I found a glove in the elevator. If anyone is missing a glove, I may have found your glove.

Wait. You know what, this is my glove.

Wait. You know what, this is my glove. If anyone sees another glove, I've lost one of my gloves

Let me just take out my idea journal. Hmm. This just says 'Bird Internet.'

It is not easy coming up with ideas to save the show, but this morning, I held up this sign in the 'Today Show' window!

Bird Internet!

unless you're married to it. So I had to marry each envelope and then divorce it

And I won't have to be the world's worst hooker! You want to party? It's $500 for kissing, $10,000 for snuggling, end of list.

Bird internet.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that Bastille is a stripper. As well you should.

Has it really been a year since we were all at the Waldorf eating that cake made out of lizard meal? that we saw Tracy eating from.

A copy of 'Black Yachts' magazine and a Rubik's Cube that's been smashed out of anger.

For the love of God, come back or we'll die!

'Ello! I'm a baby!

I better lay you across my grandmother's lap in the mating shed.

I wish. Albinos get to be watchers in the mating shed.

Just follow these... Troll penises! Oh, God! What have I done?

And out on the Plaza, a bird landed on my apple. I thought he was gonna eat it, but he just sat there. What's next? A different bird landing on a different apple?

What are you doing? That's his urine. He is not well.

Conrad Bain once slapped me in a men's room.

Comencé a estudiar these, but then yo gave up.

That story is not funny. Sir, you had to be there. Then I will be.

Dotcom licks the subway steps.

Dotcom licks the subway steps.

'Smooth move, Ferguson' was just trying to fill a void because Mr. Slattery's political cartoons weren't cutting it. I can't draw hands.

I know your wife was kidnapped by some convenience-store owners

Mumps, Hill People attacks, cave collapses... both business and residential

I like to replace the Union-soldier meat with boiled potatoes

Deer God, thank you for this venison. Onion God, thank you for these onions. Carrot God, thank you for the carrots.

There's a lot of drawings of Ms. Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips

My house is full of white cockroaches

I have seen 'The Brady Bunch' where Tiger runs away

The world is ending tomorrow! And you're happy about that? Oh, of course. I get to go to heaven and receive my reward! 72 virgin margaritas, hold the salt.

Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock. But on the bright side, black hell does have a jukebox.

Sir, this chiquita banana sticker had been stuck to that ceiling for years. So I finally scraped it off.

organize snack table by food jewishness

Uh, also, FYI, women's hell is the same as aroused dog heaven.

Only while playing tennis. I'm kidding. I've never played tennis.

I mean, I'm the... I'm the one who had to nude-baptize all those teens.

It's so beautiful. A mermaid! Dude, those are diapers.

Why would I even say that?

He also said that he thinks, quote, 'sexuality is a continuum,' and he is but a voyager on a vast ocean of pleasure.

Kenneth, do this for me, someone I hope you consider a friend, and who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey. Aw, you think of me?

They'd kick me out of the page program faster than a fella can come up with folksy similes.

We should take two cars. You didn't tell me he was alive! Well of course he is. Pete's our friend, Kelsey.

His office is on this floor, isn't it? Yes, but to get him there, you have to go through the backstage and the backstage is full of people.

How long is the show? I don't know. I've never done it before, baby.

I couldn't find a Lincoln hat so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead. If anyone notices... We're dead.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I look incredibly beautiful. The lighting is back to normal. Both switches need to be on, woman.

That virgin was my sister. And her son, Lyle, has a learning disability.

Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne gacy...

Didn't you notice your food wasn't pre-chewed?

You were in the kitchen all day. Right over... Oh, that's a broom

I am using my once-in-a-lifetime interruption

when a dog goes missing, everyone's upset 'cause there's no dog milk for the babies

My church requires a 110% tithe

Are you talking about saving squirrels from hawks?

Boy, you are dumb sometimes

most people think of Valentine's Day as a celebration of the burning of a catholic loudmouth, but it's also about love. And escort prices going way up.

Sorry to crash this sausage party... / Unnecessary.

Three feet, two feet, it says he's right on top of us. / Oh! / Oh, my God, my face. / Oh! Oh! / He's mating with my mouth.

The gym said the odor was attracting bugs that were attracting bats that were attracting bat-hawks.

Sam and Diane are the lesbian couple in my building who murdered each other.

I also got you these goofy water balloons my mom's friend Ron used to always send me out to buy.

I know they're condoms.

Oh, you smell like when the stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown Manure district.

It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

I don't see people that look like that.

Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear.

He lives in the Mariana trench. He emerges every four years to trade children's tears for candy?

I listened to rap music for the first time. Not a fan.

He's a mormon. You know how they are about Leap Day.

Of course, take off my bald cap. Not put on my wig.

Mean laughter, sound of a drink being poured. What are you writing now, you slack-jawed donkey?

You know the saying, 'rhubarb red, eat away, rhubarb green, don't eat them.'

One of my birds is sick and I want to get home in time to baptize her.

I've dug too many graves.

I am always coughing up blood. Could that be Leap Day William trying to get out?

But, these lessons aren't good just for every four years. No. They're good every year. Because we should live every day as if it's Leap Day, and every Leap Day as if it's your last.

No. They're good every year. Because we should live every day as if it's Leap Day, and every Leap Day as if it's your last.

We have far too many sponsors that make housework easier for women.

Son, if you wanna get ahead in this world... Oh, God, this hurts... Tell your mother I'm gay.

We can't say 'dick wolf' on TV.

Balloon!

Like 'lazy Susan,' 'cause I'm lazy and effeminate.

except accused witches.

posing for 'Prayboy.'

like stone Mountain's mailman riding his trusty donkey erasmus.

My wife had two of the president's babies, and you're one of 'em.

Lord knows some of my friends are just shrubs I put hats on and get high with.

This movie was written by white nerds.

Because of last night's cluster-whoops

No, 'Kenneth' is short for andromakennethamblesorton.

I'm surprised they allow you to say 'doctor.' It's so close to 'gynecologist' which is disgusting.

No, there's only one of me. What? What are you asking?

You can't say 'using' on TV. It implies drug use.

I am responding, I am matching your tone, and making my own point.

I stole that speech from an episode JAG, but it applies here.

without Liz Lemon yelling at me, and I just wish I had never been born!

and boss around those Jewish executives that were trained from birth to argue?

I'm Kenneth, by the way. Me too. I'm Kenneth. Kenneth... uh... Toilethole.

A Parcell man has never been called 'mister' outside of an execution chamber.

You know, I'm starting to suspect that I have bad luck.

He's only allergic to allergy medication. But he loves it

I know I'm a big shot now with my suits And a desk lamp that I control

Can you? You just did.

My parents were technically brothers--

Just like nana parcell, my heartworm.

I definitely have a penis.

are you busy regretting your life choices, For example, missing your window for having children?

'cause I would do anything for love, But I won't do that.

My father wore this to his high school prom. The theme was enchantment under the jim crow laws.

[dubbed over] beautiful geniuses --Holes.

Put a message in a bottle and throw it in the river. That's where I go every day to fish for shoes.

Since the creation of earth 800 years ago.

Nothing can stop me now. [squeals] It's okay. I'm doing great. Everything's gonna work out.

Oh, mr. Subhas, your wife is on the phone. She's making dinner and she wants to know If you found any prosciutto today.

Why are you dressed like a janitor? - It's my new job. - But you just got promoted. - Well, I've had a few setbacks

Medically, it's a neck ridge.

[whispering] I lie to myself. Every morning, when I wake up, I say, 'everything's gonna be okay.' But I'm lying. And I don't know how much longer I can do it.

You're just another weird page, and I already have one of those. Aw, thank you.

It is a tail told by an idiot, full sound of furry, signifying nothing

Would you like to try our apple dippers?

The Bible says it's wrong, but it's the surprise hit of the season on ABC, so I don't know.

In this big trash bag, I see everyone's mistakes, their embarrassing secrets, their dreams they don't dare share with anyone.

They call me 'the natural.' I'm so good, the other janitors just sit in the basement all day getting drunk and laughing about this idiot they know.

Ms. Maroney, judging is for God and his angels. So, yes, you are.

To use a technical janitorial term, total ass.

Oh, I listened to rock and roll music once, but I stopped before I started worshipping the devil. The song went, 'Mr. Sandma--', then I shut it off.

My eight-year-old niece walked down the aisle to that song at her wedding.

Where I'm from, Uncle Sam's mouth is sewn up, and then he's set on fire, so I don't know how he talks.

And will you accept dancing as money?

because they thought two black people on the same show would make the audience nervous. A rule NBC still uses today.

We both know you're not due for another nine days.

that woman who stole his microphone went on to become a wife.

Everything I know about fashion, I learned from my old college roommate, John Mark Karr

There's the feud between Ms. Lemon and baby Virginia, the drama between me and that cord I tripped on. Hey, watch it. I'm sorry, sir. I shouldn't have lost my temper

You again? I am so sorry. Different cord

Ms. Maroney, a wedding is a simple and beautiful ceremony where an old man and a crying girl get pushed into the coupling shed.

Before moving here, I done used to talk-n-jaw like this, see? And when I'm at work, I use my white-people voice. You should see how we talk in the Bronx. Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!

Well, where will you sit patiently in the dark while you wait for the next day to start? I mean, sleep?

Have a good day, Doris. / [High-pitched] 'You have a good day too, Kenneth.' / Whatever, Doris. Grow up.

I don't mean it, I nice it.

[Gasps, snorts, groans] / Doris! / Wonderful. See you tonight, roomie.

Oh, are you talking about Hazel or the raccoon that won't let me into my kitchen?

And to think I thought Hazel was a bitch! / Friendly and loyal like a well-trained female dog. But she isn't a bitch. She's a meaniepants.

Don't you ever do that again. / [Both moaning]

You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? No! I mean sharing a yogurt

Hazel says she's saving herself for a Grade-A pork machine. And those are expensive.

And both sides being right is like kissing your sister. A wonderful treat!

Then I would have seen Criss' muscular back. You think I care?

Mmm, my lips are so dry. I better wet them with this mop.

Oh, no. Now my undershirt is wet with mop juice.

Teens gone wild: Is Jenna Maroney partying too hard? Be careful, you don't want to turn out like Amanda Byne-us. Did I do it right?

We should go to a pumpkin patch? Pranksmen, activate.

The belt is a baby's necktie.

The next president of the United States will be chosen by... Jenna Maroney. To be continued... Mr. Spider. Ew, web in my mouth!

Ew, web in my mouth!

Until this year, I wasn't allowed to vote because Reverend Gary said choosing is a sin.

the Parcells have been in this country since we went berserk and murdered everyone at Roanoke.

I can't unhear it! I can't unhear it!

I cast the deciding vote that made 'white' the newest flavor of Mountain Dew. But I guess that's just life in a Dewmocracy.

Because I think I saw an ad for it in Urban Butt magazine. They have an excellent word jumble.

Well, this morning miss Lemon had one of her meltdowns. Really? About what? Because she can't balance work and personal life. But I mean, after seven years and hundreds of these episodes, it's like, let's move on.

♪ Jenna is listening ♪ listening like the sun in the sky ♪

I am just a co-worker who would do anything for any of you at any time. Nothing more!

I'm gonna hold you to that, sir!

Apex Technical School puts students first. And the perfect time to enroll is now.

Where else but real life would a millionaire movie star care so much about a hillbilly janitor that he would spend two days trying to cheer him up?

Kenneth the page. That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

I bleed blue and gray. Especially where I stepped on that nail.

For example, if they're Japanese, I'll make sure we accidentally walk in on a blonde woman peeing.

It's like NBC's TV version of Willy Wonka, starring Bob Uecker.

No, sir. It's a magical, Ruth-filled business!

There is no 'we', Kenneth. You're giving a tour. I'm picking the next president of NBC. Understood? Yes, sir. Of course... Not.

The Today show was originally designed to entertain prison inmates whose IQs were too low for them to be executed.

And it's about seeing your friends Matt and Savannha, and your Butler Al.

Janu-where is the snow?

TGS, the Joey Montero show, the Lovebirds. And the moon landing.

That fabric was made from toilet-clog hair.

That is a waste of delicious dead horse.

But if all he cares about is the bottom line, he's not right for the job.

No, sir. You were not.

So shines a goon's deed in a weary world.

"Chickpeas, moonshine, turtle meat?"

"You've always had the body for it."

"Woman, writer, New York... Those are all on my list of TV no-no words."

"They don't want to watch some angry New York crankypants make that face... Exactly."

"Shows where a guy gets a drink thrown in his face, and then he turns to his dog and says, 'don't even say it.' To his dog!"

"Where are all the baby pigeons?"

"It's like when a pig says, 'if I can communicate with you telepathically, do I have a soul?' And then you're like, 'no. Duh. Into the slaughtering chute.'"

"If fewer than 150 episodes of TGS are produced in total, Mr. Jordan shall be paid a penalty of $30 million."

One last chance for TGS to make America Say, 'what? Why?'

There! You're no longer special to him. Get out! Get out of our lives! Yes!

On behalf of the network, Ms. Maroney, I think you should sing at the end of the show tonight. / Wonderful! I'll need ten pianos.

"Just bury the necklace and move on."

"Brian Williams needs a mirror on the floor of his bathroom. I guess you want that if you have a glass toilet."

"Wait. You're Sam?" "Don't even say it."

You've always had the body for it.

Woman, writer, New York... Those are all on my list of TV no-no words.

They don't want to watch some angry New York crankypants make that face... exactly.

Shows where a guy gets a drink thrown in his face, and then he turns to his dog and says, 'don't even say it.' To his dog!

Where are all the baby pigeons?

It's like when a pig says, 'if I can communicate with you telepathically, do I have a soul?' And then you're like, 'no. Duh. Into the slaughtering chute.'

And I don't mean those two santas I saw kissing on the subway.

Am I supposed to drop this on the floor?

Good luck with, uh, Jake.

♪ I will never forget you ♪ ♪ rural juror ♪ What? What is that face?

Brian Williams needs a mirror on the floor of his bathroom. I guess you want that if you have a glass toilet.

I want to be buried in it. So, if anything ever happens to me and you can't find my body but you can find this, don't overthink it. Just Bury the necklace and move on.