Kenneth Parcell

Kenneth · Liz Lemon:'I just love television so much.' / 'We all do.'

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth, how long you been sitting there? / I'm taking Pete's place, he's in the bathroom, laying in his own sick.

Kenneth:I think I have what they refer to as a royal flush.

Liz · Kenneth · Kenneth · Liz:Did you win this, too? / I did. / I love how the light catches it like diamonds. / Kenneth, it is diamonds.

Jack · Kenneth:I call. What have you got, Kenneth? / All clovers. I win.

Kenneth:I think he's confusing me with someone else.

Kenneth:I think he's confusing me with someone else. (Kenneth's talking head/aside after Jack's menacing declaration)

Kenneth:You're scaring me, Mr Donaghy.

Kenneth · Jack:I've got a pair of 25s. / Well, let's just see-by-weeby here. I've got a 2, a 4, a 9, a 6, and a king.

Kenneth:Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And, also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.

Kenneth:Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And, also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.

Kenneth:Kenneth's interrogation scene: He nervously asks rapid-fire questions to threatening men — 'What does that tattoo mean?', 'Y'all have long fingernails,' 'Do you own or rent?', 'What's your cell plan?'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'When I get nervous, I ask a lot of questions.'

Kenneth:Happy anniversary, Mrs. Jordan.

Kenneth:Kenneth whispering at the pharmacy: '[whispering] for Mr. Tracy Jordan' — apparently so embarrassed by the prescription that he whispers the patient name.

Kenneth:Kenneth at a second pharmacy, on hold: 'Fine. I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful.'

Kenneth:Fine. I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful.

Kenneth · Pete · Stage Manager:The chaos at the Conan taping: Kenneth trying to navigate the studio, pages coming through, Conan's announcer beginning Tracy's introduction.

Kenneth:Kenneth's final talking-head/interview: reveals he got started in the NBC page program and is now 'making hit movies with my good friend and roommate, Zach Braff.'

Conan · Kenneth:Interviewer/Conan: 'What? / Who told you that?' — Kenneth has apparently also claimed other untrue things; the interviewer is confounded.

Kenneth · Conan:Kenneth reveals he knows how to clog dance. Conan doesn't believe anyone wants to see this. Kenneth does it anyway. Conan: 'You're a weird guy, Kenneth.'

Kenneth:Well, yes. I do know how to clog. But I don't think anybody wants to see me do that. / You do? Really? Okay.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'See you tomorrow, Mr. O'Brien.' — ending with Kenneth's formal address even after this intimate weird bonding moment.

Kenneth · Jack · Kenneth:Good morning, Mr. Donaghy! / Go to hell. / No, thank you.

Kenneth:My mother always told me that even when things seemed bad, there's someone else who's having a worse day. Like being stung by a bee or getting a splinter. Or being chained to a wall in someone's sex dungeon.

Kenneth:Mama, you carried me for nine months. Let me carry you now.

Kenneth · Kenneth's Mother:I think my boss, Mr. Jack Donaghy, wishes you were his mother. / Isn't that something, mother? / Yes, Kenneth, that's sweet. / Do you have me on speakerphone again? / Yes, Ma'am! It's just like Charlie's Angels!

Kenneth:Kenneth has his mother on speakerphone. 'Yes, Ma'am! It's just like Charlie's Angels!'

Kenneth's Mother · Kenneth:Oh, by the way, did you get your old Halloween decorations I sent you? / Oh, yes, thank you! I'm looking at the kooky skeleton right now. I love it! / You're the best mother in the whole world! / Okay, calm down, dear.

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'I know a gentleman who had a lot of crazy ideas. He was a carpenter. He wanted everyone to love one another.' Tracy: 'Oh, you mean Jesus?' Kenneth: 'No — Miguel from set design. He's over there.'

Josh · Kenneth:Kenneth's Google searches on Liz's computer: 'Her last two Google searches were for singles yoga and scalp pain.' Josh: 'That is grim.'

Jack · Liz · Kenneth:Jack: 'I can barely keep a lid on the feud going on between Kenneth and Dougie from props.' Long pause as Jack and Liz stare at the monitor showing Kenneth and Dougie — Kenneth hiding behind a cart, Dougie menacing.

Kenneth · Cerie:Kenneth: 'Jeez, I hope those two work it out.' Cerie: 'Relax, man. As long as they're yapping at each other, we're not working. Enjoy it.'

Tracy · Kenneth · Jack:Multiple Meat Machines exploding grease, injuring Kenneth: 'Ow, ah! Cheese and crackers, that smarts!' / 'The grease burned me, Mr. Jordan.' / 'That one must be defective.' / 'They ALL must be like that!'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack: 'I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack arrives late to his first day as Kenneth's subordinate and Kenneth reprimands him: 'Well, don't let it happen again.'

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Tracy's first task for Jack and Kenneth: 'I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.'

Kenneth:Brian Williams' dressing room protocol: 'I've never met Brian Williams, but his dressing room has to be cleaned up every day between 11 and 11:30. That way, by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.'

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth's tube sock full of bird seed: 'Is this tube sock filled with bird seed? / Yes, sir. / Just put it in the basket with the others.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack asking Kenneth about his 'life plan' — Kenneth misunderstands and explains his cleaning pattern

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth fires Jack: 'You're fired. / I beg your pardon? / You said I'm your boss for today. So I fire you.'

Kenneth:Kenneth asks if Jack paddling swan boats for tourists is 'a euphemism for some kind of sex worker'

Kenneth:Kenneth's speech about television as 'the true American art form'

Kenneth:'From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics to the less fun Winter Olympics.'

Kenneth:Kenneth pitches his own show ideas: a show about women getting their hair done while listening to salsa music, a cop show called 'K-9!' and a game show called 'Gold Case'

Kenneth · Les Moonves (imagined):Kenneth's Gold Case pitch to Moonvest: 'Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night. Give me your fingernails! / No!'

Kenneth:Kenneth's Gold Case compensation demands: 'I would like to be officially the head of the pages, and I need a new clock radio.'

Kenneth:Kenneth immediately follows up with sophisticated backend terms: 'five points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.'

Kenneth:Kenneth follows up with: '5 points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandising, a creator credit on this and any international editions... and a clock radio.'

Jack · Kenneth · contestant Jeff:Gold Case game show taping — the first contestant immediately picks the correct case and wins

Jack · Kenneth:Jack's final shutdown: 'This game doesn't work. / Okay, my bad. Shut it down. Shut it down!'

Kenneth:Kenneth showing up to warn Pete: 'Do you remember the movie Footloose, where those evil kids won in the end? / You're going to make a mistake tonight. You gonna make a mistake tonight!'

Kenneth:Lick her face. Think of God.

Frank · Toofer · Kenneth:Kenneth, this is your chance. Cerie digs you. / Cerie said she would do it with you. / Well, that just makes me perspire.

Kenneth:In fact, she's pretty sure I'm the reincarnated soul of Adrian Twyfer. He was our town minister who died in an organ fire.

Kenneth · Cerie · Kenneth:Well, it's like Dr. Laura Schlessinger says. Women should be more accommodating to their men, for the health of the marriage. / She sounds smart. Is she really a doctor? / No, I think she's kind of like Dr Pepper.

Jenna · Kenneth · Cerie:Kenneth! / What? How dare you. / You're so weird. / Tell Liz I left, okay? And if you want to tell those guys upstairs that we made out, it's all right with me.

Writers · Kenneth:Way to go, loser. / Oh, yeah? If I blew it, then how did I get her underpants?

Kenneth:I sure hope Mr. Jack plays his game good today. Otherwise he whups my ass right well when we get home. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

Kenneth · Tracy:I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College. / I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.

Kenneth:Would you like me to do a tap dance for you and your big-time friends, Mr. Jack? Or I could run around while y'all are throwing rocks at me.

Kenneth:Grace... There is something that I must say to you. But my words cannot suffice. So to quote Mr. Jerry McGuire... you make me a complete person. / When you said hello, you had me.

Grace's husband/partner · Kenneth:My wife needs her sweater. / [Kenneth gets physically struck]

Kenneth:You're watching the Designing Women Marathon on Nick at Nite. / Sir, you may be right. I may be not capable of understanding normal thinking because I think a woman is just as powerful as a man. And until you learn to respect me, you better learn to stay out of my way. / 'Cause this is my house.

Kenneth:'This is my house.' (repeated with full conviction)

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:Mr. Jordan, I have a message for you from a Mr. Ridikolus. / Ridikolus — the hip-hop producer? / Isn't that the guy that bit Suge Knight?

Kenneth:Kenneth refusing Ridikolus entry by reciting Tracy's party instructions verbatim, including 'this mess is gonna get raw like sushi, so haters to the left.'

Ridikolus · Kenneth:What's your game, man? / Boggle.

Ridikolus · Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:Jack, what's up with your man? / This is just our Kenneth. / How's it going, Kenneth? / He's very unstable.

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:I'll be going soon. But I just wanted you to know that I've loved being your mentor. And it's been an honor having you be my manatee.

Kenneth:Now, stop it, Mr. Jordan. You need to take some of your own advice. Aren't you the man who told me to live every week like it's Shark Week?

Kenneth:And that nothing's impossible except for dinosaurs.

Kenneth:Well, sir, your mother must not have raised you right, 'cause you're not saying very nice things.

Kenneth:We haven't been Presbyterian for months.

Kenneth:Yeah, we lose half the congregation every time American Idol starts up.

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:He pointed right at me! He sure did!

Devin Banks · Kenneth:So...what team do you play for? / Oh, it's not really a team. It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics. You know... I'm gonna be in town for a little while. Maybe we could...get together. / My, you're friendly!

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:Did he tell you why he was in New York? / No, sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:And, uh...Kenneth... Have you ever used bronzer?

Kenneth:And I have an idea for a show about a teacher named Art. I call that one 'Art School.' And one about a Jewish guy who opens an ice cream parlor. That one's called 'Ice Cream Cohen.' And a drama about two cops, one named Cash and one named Carry. / I don't have a title for that one.

Devin Banks · Kenneth:Can I offer you a libation? I have champagne, vodka, absinthe-- / Fruit punch, please.

Devin Banks · Kenneth:You'll excuse me. I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable. / Like in the movies!

Kenneth · Devin Banks:Oh my. That's an awful short robe. / I know. I had to cut it down myself.

Devin Banks · Kenneth:Oh, Kenneth. You know, I was a page. / And when I was in the program, we'd give each other a hand. / Can you give me a hand, Kenneth?

Kenneth:For a fellow page, anything!

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:I want you to tell me everything that happened last night. / The curtains open on a group of chorus line dreamers in 1970s leotards-- / Five, x-- Stop that. I'm not talking about the show.

Kenneth:I had to keep talking just to stop him from putting his fingers in my mouth.

Kenneth · Jack Donaghy:You used me? / For television. / Kenneth, I humiliated you for television. / Like on What's Happening when that man used Rerun to bootleg that Doobie Brothers concert! / Exactly.

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:And I need to humiliate you again... / I need you to distract him. You gotta make sure he doesn't leave that hotel room tomorrow morning. / I'll do it. Just like Sidney Bristow on Alias, I'll use my sexuality as a weapon. / To the wig shop!

Kenneth · Devin Banks:Do you want me to dance for you? / Yeah.

Devin Banks · Kenneth:7:52? / You warlock! You came to entrance me. / Donaghy sent you.

Kenneth · Tracy:Well, remember when Fat Bitch called all her dog friends together, and they used their high-pitched howling to mess... / You're right, K. I should make my own 'Jefferson' preview.

Tracy · Kenneth:Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest of? / Uh, President Jefferson, we got a problem.

Tracy · Kenneth:That horse ate your wig. / Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings. / Or we could probably just go get a new wig. / Aha, I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

Tracy · Kenneth:No, I turned him down. / It's like a roller-coaster ride of emotion in here.

Kenneth:In other words: Oh, Tracy, you can't use any of my songs. [sung in Michael McDonald style]

Kenneth:Ms. Lemon, this is Kenneth, the NBC page in New York City. I hate to bother you out west.

Kenneth:'Should I include Tracy and his guests, or do you think he's dead?'

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:Jack threatens Kenneth: 'I will cut you open like a tauntaun... you mouth-breathing Appalachian!'

Kenneth · Jesse Parcell:Spy phone call: 'Rooster, this is the farmer. Is the egg safe?' / 'The egg is in the nest.'

Kenneth:'Ooh, they got a door. That's new.' — Kenneth arrives at Parcell Hollow

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:Jack screams 'Aah!' after Colleen's 'I see' — then Kenneth interrupts with 'They got pretzels downstairs!'

Kenneth:'Oh, my God, what a terrible mistake accident!' [during the ambulance ride]

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:Kenneth: 'If I die, will you take care of my birds?' Tracy: 'I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy's vanity license plate: ICU81MI — 'I see you ate one, am I?'

Kenneth:Kenneth to Banks: 'Mr. Donaghy eats guys like you as part of a healthy breakfast.'

Kenneth · Banks:Kenneth accidentally reveals Jack's secret heart attack to Banks — then offers an awkward 'High five!'

Kenneth:Kenneth tries to hit on Angie: 'Hello, Angie... I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy asks Kenneth to go to his house and 'make love to my wife.' His home address is in the GPS under 'dacrib' — 'cause we live on Dacrib Avenue.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth returns from Angie's: 'I couldn't do it. This boy comes to the door, tries to kiss me, then he throws up and starts crying. My body wouldn't let me violate the sacred bonds of marriage, sir.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'It'll be just like back home on the pig farm. I'm gonna fatten you up, grow to love you, and then my uncles'll slit yr thro—'

Kenneth:Kenneth feeding Jenna: 'This stuff will make you real fat, Ms. Moroney. It made my dad's heart just up and give out.' / 'And that's what made my mom's friend Ron move in.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Boy, I wish I had some pig sedative right now.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Uh, usually, but now you've got me thinking about it.' [after being asked if he can walk and talk at the same time]

Mr. Mason · Kenneth:Kenneth approaches a random famous person and is immediately insulted: 'Who picked out your outfit? Stevie Wonder?'

Kenneth:Kenneth's planned mean thing to say: 'I could wait for her to drop something and then say, 'Smooth move, Ex-Lax.' That's what my mom's friend Ron would do.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth's devastating insult list to Jenna — including: 'You lied about your brother drowning so people would come to your one-woman show.' / 'Your toes look like dried-up shrimps.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I wasn't able to get Ms. Moroney to eat. I'm so sorry. Well, it turns out she's the wrong kind of crazy. And I guess we have to get married now.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's cookie jar backstory: 'They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork...' [describing mom and Ron] '...and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's cookie jar rating: 'So I guess to answer your question, I'd give cookie jars about a 'B.''

Jack · Kenneth:Jack gives his entire collection to Kenneth — then instructs him on proper handling: 'Always hold them squarely at the base, never by the lid.' And signs off as: 'Tell Patty and Beth and all of them that Vic Nightingale says hello.'

Kenneth:Please. I breast fed 'til I was 11. So I've forgotten more about a woman's chest than you'll ever know.

Donnie · Kenneth:But... I'm on TV. / I said, 'Good day.' / No, you didn't. / Well, I meant to. / Kenneth Parcell is finished. Finished!

Kenneth · Ms. Moroney:It's finally over, Ms. Moroney. / Yes. / And it's hard to even remember how it all began. [beat] / You burnt my jacket.

Kenneth:Hope you're ready to party like it's 1999. Which, according to my Bible, will be in seven years.

Kenneth:I've called this meeting to discuss what happened last night at Kenneth's party.

Kenneth:Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. Mr. Lutz, you ate all my parakeet's medication.

Kenneth:And thanks to you, Sonny Crockett has been having seizures all morning.

Kenneth:Mr. Hornberger, I would thank you to come pick up your wife at some point.

Kenneth:Mr. Jordan, I saw you steal my sink.

Kenneth:Harlem Globetrotter... does that name mean nothing to you?

Kenneth:And Ms. Lemon — I will have you know that before last night, I had never, ever seen Grizz or Dotcom cry.

Kenneth:And Ms. Lemon. I will have you know that before last night, I had never, ever seen Grizz or Dotcom cry.

Kenneth:Congratulations. You were all present at Kenneth Parcell's last party ever.

Kenneth:Sweet peaches! What have I done? / ...they must have slipped out the bottom.

Kenneth:Uncle Butch was right. I'm just a stupid country bumpkin with great skin and soft hands.

Kenneth · Tracy:Very low, sir. Very low. / I lost something real important. / [Kenneth starts yelling] Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

Tracy's Team · Kenneth:Were you chafing again, Tray? / Yes, obvious twins.

Kenneth:And I tried looking in the last place you'd ever expect. And, no, Mr. Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies' room at that laser tag place on 12th Avenue.

Kenneth:Kenneth's fundraising montage — singing 'What the World Needs Now Is Love' while performing various stunts/acts for money

Kenneth:Can we have our money now? / Come on... big money.

Kenneth:We Parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised, but we are proud.

Tracy's Team · Kenneth:Every night after dinner, Lutz falls asleep on the couch in our office. [implied: Kenneth is about to do something humiliating to the sleeping Lutz for money]

Kenneth · Tracy's Team:Ape attack! / Ape attack. / Smarts! / Are you okay? / Okay, that went too far.

Tracy's Team · Kenneth:You know that old lady in accounting who thinks you're her husband who died in the war? / What about her?

Kenneth:I do believe in destiny. And I know that I should hate you, but I can't. I love you. And I don't care what people say. We were meant to be in each other's lives. [cut to reveal it's Kenneth talking to the pants]

Kenneth · Jonathan:Jonathan... I purchased a replacement pair of Mr. Donaghy's pants. / You must love him as much as I do.

Kenneth:Oh, sorry. This is my dream journal. / They've all come true so far.

Kenneth:Sir, conditions have deteriorated. I made Demarquis captain like you said. But having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the Latinos real mad. And they all seem to really hate my grandpa 'cause they keep yelling, 'Kill Whitey.' And I'm like, 'What do you think you are, alcohol?'

Kenneth · Tracy · Tracy · Jack:But, sir, every one of them wrote you a letter asking you to come back. / Wow. / Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read them? / Tracy, I'll pay somebody to read them for you.

Kenneth:Kenneth's assistant arrives panicked: 'This is the address he gave me. He never makes mistakes. I can't go back there without sfogliatelle!'

Kenneth:Kenneth awkwardly tries to make conversation with Liz: 'What's your favorite pizza topping? Mine's plain, but I like others.'

Kenneth:Kenneth asks Liz: 'Tell me a painful story about your teenage years.'

C.C. · Liz · Kenneth:The Charades game at the dinner party: 'This is not a character from a television program.' 'Okay. This is not a character from the Bible.' 'Uh, pass.' 'You can't pass, you hillbilly!'

Kenneth:Kenneth tells Tracy he was 'pretty addicted to coke back in my Wall Street days' — then offers this as experience that qualifies him to help.

Kenneth:Kenneth tries to organize a party game: 'Murder! First, everybody takes a slip of paper out of a hat. One person's slip says murderer, another says inspector. Then everyone puts their head down. Except the murderer... He's the inspector. No, that's not right.'

Kenneth:Kenneth rehearses his band, trying various keyboard positions — 'Open Pit barbecue sauce? Yes. This is the sweet spot.' — and telling Alfonso 'no chitchat between songs this year. People don't watch Letterman for Paul Shaffer.'

Kenneth:Kenneth singing 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' to the chaotic, drunk party as everything falls apart around him

Kenneth:Kenneth closes the episode with original Christmas carol: 'Imagine Christmas wishes? Shooting out of your eyes? A candy cake full of snow dreams? A stocking full of sm-i-i-iles?'

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:This cappuccino machine is my way of saying sorry for what happened the other day. Tracy, your father is here. My father? Okay, that may have been a dream. Anyway, enjoy.

Kenneth:I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature.

Kenneth:'Oh, my!' — Kenneth's reaction to trying coffee for the first time

Kenneth:I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain.

Kenneth:If you're not reading the bible in German, you're not getting the real versteckte Bedeutung of it.

Liz Lemon · Kenneth:Your last name is weird. Are you okay? Who wants coffee?

Kenneth:One, if I found any MacKenzies living up here, I would kill them.

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:So you had a little bender. It's not just the coffee. I also went to a PG-13 movie. I bought a pair of sunglasses. I tried a Jewish doughnut.

Kenneth:I'd always been told that New York was the 21st century city of Sodom. And look what's happened. I've become one of them. I've been sodomized.

Kenneth:It's been an honor being your friend and learning about the non-reproductive aspects of human sexuality from you.

Kenneth:Oh, Grizz, I'll miss you most of all.

Gladys Knight · Kenneth:there's an 11:45 and I was misinformed about the time / misinformed about the time / didn't even get to stand in line

Kenneth:Well, I know Toofer would never use the word 'poo,' so it's not him.

Kenneth:And Frank couldn't have done it because he was with me all day making fun of my haircut.

Kenneth:And also, I saw you do it.

Kenneth:Well, sir, I'm sure that whoever did this regrets her... [pause] or his mistake.

Kenneth:The stress of this is making me awful sleepy.

Kenneth:Miss Lemon, your eyes look like my uncle's after he would drink from the air-conditioner.

Kenneth:Kenneth confesses to Jack, taking the fall for Liz

Jack · Kenneth:Is it because I made you work late last night? Yes, sir. That was it. I was here folding Milf Island tee shirts until 2:00 in the morning. And then you didn't even offer me one.

Kenneth · Jack:Oh, no, sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the lord's name. / That's Republican — we count those.

Kenneth · Bucky Bright:I'm sorry — what now? / Say, why don't you show me around the old studio?

Kenneth:Oh my... there's your weird.

Kenneth:Well, I am wearing a cuffed trouser today.

Pete · Kenneth:Is that — is he finished? / Not yet, but don't disturb him. He can't keep going like this. He was up for six hours straight.

Kenneth:My god. He's a genius. [Beat as they watch Tracy work on porn game]

Kenneth · Liz:This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen, and the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

Kenneth:This smells just like Hill People Milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!

Kenneth:Drinking's against my beliefs, like gambling or freeway driving.

Kenneth:Battery's dead. I got a half-hour before they track me down. Alcohol? This smells just like Hill People Milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby! Mmm! It's on, y'all.

Teamster · Kenneth:How'd they do that? [Kenneth is apparently winning/dominating the drinking contest — visual reaction beat from the Teamsters]

Donny · Kenneth:Donny emerges from hiding in a narrow space waiting to taunt Kenneth

Kenneth:Kenneth accuses Donny of sending a false memo about the deadline: 'Saboteur!'

Kenneth:Kenneth explains his lateness: 'I had to put on my jeans by myself.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's attempt at a back-door brag: 'It's hard for me to watch American Idol because there's a water bug on my channel changer.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna's fake talking-head promoting Kenneth includes: 'Yes. Kenneth, can you take this money to the many charities I support anonymously?' — then the envelope is empty

Kenneth · Unnamed Staff:Someone asks Kenneth to move 12 boxes of copier paper on stage right after he's about to run to submit his application

Donny · Kenneth:Donny gloats over Kenneth's copier paper task: 'Too bad it cost you a trip to China.' / 'Looks like you only have 30 seconds to get your application to the 27th floor. And you're not gonna make it.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's physical comedy sequence: running with copier paper, crashing, doing a flip into an elevator

Kenneth:Ms. Geiss, I have your Soap Opera Digest.

Kenneth:Three of my nine siblings were adopted. And someday, I'm gonna find them.

Liz · Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth, it is imperative that you keep Mr. Banks down here. Do you know what imperative means? / Tell me, tell me! / Important. It means important.

Kenneth:Mr. Banks... look how many push-ups I can do.

Kenneth:She reminds me of my own mom. Tough love, consistency, a little moustache in a certain light.

Kenneth · Bev:And her other kids really like her. / What?

Kenneth · Liz Lemon:Kenneth announces himself and his new uniform to Liz, who immediately says 'I recognize you, Kenneth.'

Kenneth:Kenneth describes the old page uniforms as 'timeless, practical, sexy.'

Liz Lemon · Kenneth:Liz tells Kenneth 'I don't have that kind of authority,' and Kenneth responds 'Then what do you do?'

Jack Donaghy · Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:Jack asks what's wrong with Kenneth. Tracy says he has 'wife eyes.' Kenneth explains his old uniform jacket, Jack says: 'It's like an owl without a graduation cap — heartbreaking.'

Kenneth:'Gosh, last time I was blindfolded was when I had to play the piano at that weird masquerade party.'

Night Court Actor (Harry Anderson) · Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:One of the Night Court actors calls Kenneth 'the sick kid' — 'Do you like race cars?'

Kenneth:'This is the greatest day of my life. First I found that quarter this morning -- um... I lost a quarter. Earlier.'

Kenneth · Liz Lemon:'This is worse than the original finale.' / 'I wish this were an episode of Night Court, 'cause then there'd be some big joke right now.'

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:'Kenneth, I can't believe you're such a Night Court fan and didn't know I played the werelawyer.' / 'I knew.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's speech to the network lawyer: 'The only crime any of us is guilty of is caring for one another... If there is a law against friendship, then lock me up. But if there isn't... then the show must go onward.'

Kenneth · Elevator Man:Could you hit four, please? / Next stop, Kansas City.

Kenneth:Singing in the elevator. It's like a road trip to the sky!

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:It doesn't feel good when someone does your job, does it? / I don't understand. / I don't like it when you do jokes in the elevator. That's my job.

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:I would never do anything to hurt you. You're my best friend. / We're not really best friends. We're just good friends.

Kenneth · Stuart:Kenneth tells a small man 'I was just telling him about my new apartment in Williamsburg. Under the bridge.'

Kenneth:Kenneth to Jenna after all the bad news: 'They haven't shown that good news you were telling us about. Because that all seemed like really bad news.'

Kenneth:The TGS warm-up comic has OD'd at 'a gay man's apartment' and been replaced by someone rapping 'Top That' from Teen Witch

Kenneth:Oh, Miss Lemon, how could you do that to your beautiful hands? With your flat, manly, milking thumbs and your long, graceful knuckle hair --

Kenneth:Oh, no! I must have ox fever! When did I walk barefoot near an ox?

Kenneth:Oh, don't worry about me. I'm 'A-oh-boy.'

Kenneth:No need, sir. It would be an honor to die at my post and be given the traditional burial of a Parcell man. Wrapped in a Confederate Flag, fried and fed to dogs.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:We decided we'd get them all hot soup. So, go do that. / All the other pages have gone home sick. I can't make any runs right now. Maybe... the two of you could go get the soup?

Tracy · Kenneth:I don't understand. / Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet -- / My what? / ...and go downstairs to the basement. / No. / ...then, you go to the soup place and bring the soup back up here. / With what? My arms? / ...make sure to take your ID's with you. / That would be the worst part!

Kenneth:I wasn't resting! A Parcell man never lies down on the job. Unless that job involves... milking pig teats.

Kenneth · Liz:Did you... Did you get the shot? / No, no, no. This is a dream. You're having a fever dream. We're speaking French, and I'm your mother. / Oh... Oh, ma chère maman! Pourquoi? Pourquoi m'as-tu laissé?

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy is wearing a practice wheel on his foot in preparation for losing it to diabetes.

Writer · Kenneth:A writer says his dad had diabetes and 'ate whatever he wanted until he died on the day I was born.' Kenneth points out the obvious logical connection; the writer doesn't see it.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy arrives with what appears to be disgusting food — Kenneth looks disgusted: 'What's up with this disgusting stuff?'

Kenneth:Kenneth delivers a speech about seeing 'too many folks back home die of diabetes and Go-Kart accidents to sit idly by.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's 'Hill Witch' myth — a 1,000-year-old shriveled crone who takes away boys who don't eat their vegetables, turns them to stone, and 'gorges on your living brain.'

Kenneth:Kenneth reveals the 'omens of the Hill Witch's coming': crops will fail, animals will run wild, and 'my page desk will be turned sideways.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's page desk is turned sideways. He gasps: 'Ooh...'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth gasps at his sideways desk (the Hill Witch omen) appearing — 'The Hill Witch approaches!' — cutting to Kenneth having staged the entire thing.

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth appears in a Hill Witch costume to terrify Tracy into eating vegetables: full crone makeup, shrieking 'Eat your vegetables!'

Kenneth:Do I? I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for the mouth on my back.

Kenneth:There is something about Jennifer that just makes me all carsick inside.

Kenneth:Well, cotton and fiddles.

Kenneth:You may call me Kenneth the page because that is who I am.

Kenneth:It's a Valentine's date-li-doo!

Kenneth · Jennifer:Man, can you believe we're working on Valentine's night? My fiancee is gonna be upset. Not to worry, I sent her flowers and a beautiful card. You're the best. Don't you have faith?

Kenneth:Not just any entertainment — the best singer in the world... Michael McDonald.

Kenneth:Wow, he does not sound good live.

Kenneth:It doesn't have to end here, y'allsies.

Jennifer · Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:Wait, this isn't right. / Kenneth, why do you suddenly sound white? / I lied to you, Jennifer. I was too scared to talk to you so my sophisticated friend, Tracy said the things that I couldn't.

Kenneth:That you're the sweetest... prettiest, blindest girl I've ever met. And when I'm with you, my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies.

Jennifer · Kenneth:Can I feel your face? / Yeah. [Kenneth's reaction beat — presumably uncomfortable/delighted]

Kenneth · Liz:We pages are accustomed to danger. — Thank you Kenneth, can you leave now, this place is in Queens. — Oh, Miss Lemon, I can't leave Manhattan on page business. NBC's interns doesn't cover it. I'll have to do this as a friend.

Kenneth · Liz:Say it. Say I'm your friend. / Fine. You're my friend, Kenneth. Let's go.

Kenneth:That's my TV!

Kenneth:Aww, I just got tagged.

Kenneth:Oh, was it 'The Day is Done My Sweet, For the Lambs Have Been Decapitated?'

Kenneth:They took my wallet.

Kenneth · Liz:Was this your nana Lemon? — Yeah, she's the one we're doing this for. — She's dead, come on.

Kenneth · Liz:Wait, why is she wearing these glasses? This is from New Year's, but you said she died on your birthday, and that's in November. — No, that's not a New Year's thing, that's the year she wanted to live to, and she didn't make it.

Kenneth:Sing that lullaby again!

Kenneth:I knew it! That's '99 Red Balloons,' Nena's famous anti-balloon protest song.

Kenneth:Adult? You mean like you're driving a car or wearing a suit?

Kenneth:Well I guess then I'm here as a page in violation of NBC's interns policy. I should probably head back to Manhattan.

Liz · Kenneth:Good. / I don't need you! / Co-worker!

Kenneth:I would thank you to give the lady its cell phone back.

Liz · Kenneth:Because I'm having an asbestos removal party in my apartment on Sunday. — Yeah, I'm in.

Tracy · Kenneth:I don't have a birthday, Ken. What? I don't have a birth certificate because I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.

Kenneth:Oh, but even prisoners have birthday parties. I saw one on Oz. It was... interesting.

Kenneth · Jenna:I'm glad you feel that way. Because we have this big party planned for you. I know! And we thought you could share it with Mr. Jordan! [pause] Isn't that a great idea? [pause] That's so great!

Jenna · Kenneth:Oh. Ow. Cerie! Cerie! / No one ask me about my back brace. / Make a wish, Mr. Jordan. Blow out the candles. / No one ask about my back brace!

Tracy · Kenneth:You were right, Ken. Birthdays are special. And now, mine is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again? Now, that warm, happy feeling is gone, there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey!

Kenneth · Jenna:Oh my! Miss Maroney, are you okay? Well, I think I'll be okay in time for tomorrow's show. But then, I have to go in for more tests. I'm so brave.

Kenneth:We've narrowed it down to... own a RoboCop, hunt that elephant that paints, or breakfast in bed.

Kenneth:Are you pickling squirrel meat? Because I can lend you my skull presser.

Kenneth · Liz:If no one's in charge, who will yell at me for goofing up the lunch order? / We all will, Kenneth. We all will.

Kenneth:You guys are my best friends. [Kenneth, alone, looking at camera]

Kenneth:And I keep starting to sneeze... but nothing comes out.

Kenneth:I'm in charge. [Kenneth, to himself, after hanging up]

Kenneth:Attention, everyone! All menstruating women go home immediately!

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth suggests 'Funcooker' — everyone immediately accepts it as brilliant, leading to Jack saying 'Kenneth, I owe you one.'

Kenneth · Jack:So, it's kind of like a 'funcooker'. / The Funcooker. Yes! It's snappy, fresh, and incapable of offending. / Kenneth? I owe you one. / One hug, you mean?

Kenneth:Oh, is that code for some kind of older gal medical procedure?

Kenneth:A doctor? Well, don't get too attached. As soon as people realize his tonics don't work it's on to the next town.

Tracy · Kenneth:Jerk chicken from that place in Mill Basin? And some... Catalog photos of expectant mothers in their swimming suits? You're my Radar O'Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet till you hear a chopper coming.

Kenneth:Oh, I know Mr. Jordan like the back of my stepfather Ron's hand.

Kenneth:I know all his A.T.M. P.I.N. codes. I know when he's cranky and needs his binky. I know that by 'binky' he means 1970s pornography.

Kenneth:tonight I have to ride my bike over to his house in New Jersey to hold his hand during Lost.

Kenneth:Plus, I've started to dream as Cranston.

Tracy · Kenneth:So you used Cranston as his gatekeeper! I'm very disappointed, Kenneth. I know, I blew it. I guess I'm only farm-strong, and not heart-strong.

Jack · Kenneth:But I will need you to turn in your page jacket. What? Well, your main duty was taking care of Tracy. Tracy no longer works here. Therefore, your services are no longer required. As a page? Oh, no...

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken? Stay out of this, Tracy. It's not your concern. Unless? Unless what? You say Kenneth can't work here because I don't work here. But if I work here so can Kenneth. I don't understand. Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack... with Kenneth. Damn you and your meddling.

Kenneth:Sir, you are pulling that look off.

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I wore nothing but hand-me-downs until I was 12 years old. But I thought you were the oldest, sir.' Jack: 'Oldest boy.'

Kenneth:Kenneth shows off his keychain: 'Look at this keychain I got. Every time you move his head, his head moves! Look!'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack wonders what Kenneth's perspective is like; the show plays swelling inspirational music as Jack imagines Kenneth seeing the world with wonder [visual gag — music swells, Kenneth sees simple gifts as magnificent]

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'You've got all of these fancy presents from business associates and this big empty house to store them in. Happy birthday, Mr. Donaghy.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy sees Jack's Apollo toy through the porthole: 'Oh, my God! Where did you get that rocket? Mr. Donaghy is letting me hold it! It's awesome!'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Is he letting me keep this? I think so. I wish I was there so I could play with it.'

Kenneth:Kenneth walks past, sees the commercial, and says: 'What's so funny? Oh, is that Billie Jean King?'

Kenneth:I may just be a non-Special, but what you two did is inexcusable.

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth yells 'Mr. Donaghy, help! Rule breaking!' when Liz tries to take a script.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Ms. Vieira made me throw it away. And said pretty boys like me shouldn't be filling their heads with ideas.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth goes to Jack directly to disclose his 'relationship' with a dancer — whom he has never spoken to — citing company policy.

Kenneth:Kenneth won't go to Pete because 'he has a ridge on the section of the skull associated with deviousness.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long-term plan to marry her, and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'And not because of my acute ventralitis.'

Kenneth:Oh, also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.'

Kenneth · Dotcom · Grizz:Dotcom refuses to get Grizz extra mustard as part of their fight; Kenneth mediates: 'He'll never get mustard. Except for the mustard that comes with the sandwich.'

Kenneth · Dotcom:Dotcom: 'I didn't say—' Kenneth: 'I knew this would happen someday. A woman would come between us.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy has replaced the fired professional dancers with women 'who were brawling in a parking lot an hour ago' — now presented as the new TGS dancers.

Tracy · Kenneth:Why are you smiling? / You're freaking me out.

Jenna · Kenneth:Breaking news: Jenna's animal rescue shelter is allegedly supplying quesadilla meat to amusement parks

Kenneth:'Strawberries!' — Kenneth shouting while going into anaphylactic shock

Kenneth:'My real name... is Dick Whitman.'

Kenneth · EMTs · Jenna:Kenneth goes into 'acute strawberry shock' and the EMTs threaten to cut off his hands and he'll 'have to learn how to urinate with his feet'

Kenneth:'Is that a thing?' — Kenneth's reaction to hearing about 'The Pranksmen'

The Pranksmen · Kenneth:The Pranksmen's escalating revenge on Kenneth: strawberry juice in his chickpeas, water, and harmonica

Kenneth · Pranksman:Kenneth: 'My what?' / Pranksman: 'Oh, you mean your mouth radio?'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna poisoned Kenneth because she thought the paramedic was 'The One' — completing the episode title theme

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:Jenna's apology to Kenneth: 'I just want you to know that I would not do this to you for just any guy... I really thought that he was... The One.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna: 'I had an amazing date last night and it's all thanks to Kenneth.' / Kenneth: 'Oh, it was nothing. Sure, I was legally dead for five minutes but I did it for true love.'

Jenna · Kenneth:The paramedic has sole custody of a five-year-old son, so Jenna's interest ends — 'Wait a minute, you were dead?' as her response to Kenneth's clinical death revelation

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I think I brought something back with me.' — implying he returned from clinical death with something supernatural

Kenneth:Kenneth enters: 'Miss Lemon, your contest winners have arrived — your three fathers.'

Liz · Kenneth · Jenna:Liz: 'Jenna has a Time Out shoot — why do they want her?' Kenneth: 'No reason.' 'They're naming her Most Amusing Woman in New York.' Liz: 'What time do they want me there to make her look funny?'

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth says he likes 'S and M magazines.' Liz: 'Excuse me?' Kenneth: 'S and M — I use that as shorthand for Sorcery and Magicalness.'

Liz · Pete · Kenneth:No one can know about this. Know about what? Pete's stealing money. Liz's uterus fell out. Oh, I think I already knew that. Hm.

Kenneth:Oh, it's not the money, sir. It's just that I always work more than 16 hours, so I would be signing my name to a lie. The Parcell name is synonymous with honesty.

Kenneth:As the Hill People say, 'Parcell gaw say del go up de saw say.'

Kenneth:'Dah don say da bay ton daw.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth pops out from behind a corner and yells 'Boo!' at Jack, then thanks him.

Kenneth:Oopsies, I think the machine gave me someone else's paycheck. John Francis Donaghy. Hey, he's got a girl's middle name too.

Kenneth:But he said sacrifice. And no overtime. So many zeros.

Kenneth:Well, sir, we pages and I feel that me and they are not being treated fairly as regards paychecking. I'm nervous.

Kenneth · Jack:'Bonus' means 'extra'. I know that from game shows. You lied to me. I didn't lie, Kenneth. I massaged the truth.

Kenneth:Attention, everyone. Strike update. I am happy to report that Local 415 has joined our cause! They are a blanket union that includes mall Santas, horse whisperers, and bucket drummers.

Kenneth · Brandon:I'm sorry, Brandon. What show are you assigned to again? Donahue.

Kenneth:Would you like something to eat? I have some leftover turtle meat from dinner. Or as you would call it, 'bonus' turtle meat.

Jack · Kenneth:Where's the bar? Well, there's a bar in the shower that the previous tenant installed to keep from slipping. He still died in there, though.

Jack · Kenneth:We're not so different, you and I. Those glasses are for display only.

Kenneth:Sir, you sound like the mall Santas when they come back from lunch.

Kenneth:Well, sir, now that I know you're a liar, I was wondering if you were lying about canceling the page program. And then, I thought, if there were no pages, you'd have to pay somebody real money to do our jobs. And give them health insurance. And if you don't even have money to pay our overtime, then you certainly can't afford all that.

Kenneth · Pages:The strike is over! What did we get? A piece of paper that I can't really tell you about!

Page · Kenneth:Was this strike just over a personal thing between you and Mr. Donaghy? Massage it, Kenneth. No, it wasn't!

Kenneth:ms. lemon, would it be all right if i only worked 20 hours today? i'm volunteering at an animal shelter later on.

Kenneth:oh, yes. i also help out at the pants for zoo animals program and big brother.

Kenneth:oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. it's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.

Kenneth:i grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals, even the birds that cleaned our teeth, were workers, not pets.

Kenneth:and as my mom would say, you can't eat love. and as my mom's friend ron would say, 'the donkey died. you're the donkey now, kenneth.'

Kenneth:why, it seems crazy to me to even give a dog like this a name. for example, bandit.

Kenneth:and that's reggie, and up there is digger.

Kenneth:i will adopt all of them.

Kenneth:Florence Henderson used to bake cookies for the Brady Bunch writers. And, in return, they wrote her the role of a lifetime — as her own grandma Hutchins.

Kenneth:Although when the Parcells first came to America, they lived in a town called Sexcriminalboat.

Kenneth:The usual, I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean... lady airline pilots.

Kenneth:Oh, no, sir. It's a chuckle hut. You see, the chuckle is the part of the pig between the tail and the anus. But at night, the chuckle hut becomes the laugh factory, and that's a comedy club.

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:You look clean. / You a celebrity? / I have my own show on NBC. / No. Celebrity. / I was in a movie with Queen Latifah once. / Perfect. I'll show you the shortcut.

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:Mr. Jordan! Are you trying to kill Mr. Fallon with that hammer? / Is this a 'rule of threes' thing?

Kenneth:Miss Lemon did say 'keep this away from Jenna.' But she may have meant the Jenna that works downstairs at that luggage store... so I'm gonna give it to you.

Kenneth:It's not nothing, sir. Mr. Donaghy's got blue ridge quilt ticklers. Oh, sorry. Bedbugs.

Jack · Kenneth:I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth. — I don't think you did, sir. I've just got the one pair, and I sleep in them.

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth. / I don't think you did, sir. I've just got the one pair, and I sleep in them.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy: 'I hope he hates Toofer.' Kenneth: 'I hope he likes janitor hugs.'

Kenneth:Kenneth responds to Danny's lunch order with: 'Yad sdrawkcab tsuj s'ti sseug i, yako.' (dialogue played backwards)

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy announces: 'From now on, I shall call us the Problem Solvers.' Then immediately: 'Yo Ken, do you have a problem that needs solving?'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.'

Liz · Kenneth:Liz receives a press clipping: 'Women's Health magazine gave us a D-minus.' Response: 'Son of a bitch!'

Danny · Kenneth:Danny: 'Ken, you don't want to be a page forever.' Kenneth: 'Who said I've been alive forever?' Danny: 'What? No, I mean... What?'

Danny · Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Well, I guess so [Danny could someday be his boss].' Danny: 'No! I'll brush my own teeth!'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth tells Jenna her Mexican diet pills arrived and offers to test them first. Jenna: 'No, Kenneth. I'll do it myself. You don't have to do anything for me anymore. Ever.'

Kenneth:Kenneth frantically practicing 'about' in the hallway: 'We're aboot to get married. Oh no, that's not right. Abhah. Obot.'

Kenneth · Danny:Kenneth confronts Danny: 'You've poisoned Mr. Jordan's and Miss Maroney's minds. You've got to tell them to go back to the way it was. To let me help everyone again. Including you.' Danny: 'Kenneth, I don't.' Kenneth: 'Yes, you do. Because you're scared.'

Danny · Kenneth:Danny's insult tirade against Kenneth: 'You know, of all the weirdos I've met around here, you're the worst! With your creepy Don Knotts face, that ridiculous Hitler Youth haircut...' Kenneth: 'Excellent. What about my chin?' 'I've seen bigger chins on a premature baby!'

Kenneth · Danny:Excellent. What about my chin? / I've seen bigger chins on a premature baby!

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Mr. Baker, you've just made me feel terrible. And said the word 'about' correctly. Congratulations. You're an actor.'

Tracy Jordan · Dotcom · Grizz · Kenneth:Tracy's 'creative team' meeting about EGOT with Dotcom and Grizz: 'Dotcom, research update... Kenneth, synthesize Grizz's analysis.' The elaborate research structure producing the conclusion 'They're all composers.'

Kenneth:A picture of President Obama. For the muslims.

Kenneth:A bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out in the tradition of Verdukianism.

Kenneth:Tonight is the Verdukian holiday of mouth pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blonde virgin.

Kenneth · Liz:'What if there's no God?' / 'Okay, time to go.' — Liz physically removes herself from the existential conversation

Kenneth · Frank:Secret Santa has been cancelled because I have lost my faith. [Something's changed in us. It's a Christmas miracle.] That certainly proves God exists. [If God existed, then he would punish you for what you did to me. And yet here you are unpunished. Ergo, our actions have no consequences.] So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.

Kenneth:Secret Santa has been cancelled because I have lost my faith.

Kenneth:My angry God is punishing them. It's a Christmas miracle.

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:hey, kenneth, why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light? / you'll have to ask the fella who whittled 'em for me.

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:'10:00 a.m. dotcom shows up pictures from his trip to greece.' i think i'm gonna go ahead and cancel that. / okay, i'll reschedule... Again.

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:Jenna reveals her stalker sends her Valentine's Day gifts and is concerned because she hasn't heard from him

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:Jenna holding Maynard's first letter: 'Jenna, I was in your bedroom last night. I left a gift in your toilet. You will be my bride someday.'

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:'He's the longest relationship I've ever had. Except, of course, for Doug.' / 'Please do not say what Doug is.' / 'Doug is my vibrator.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / I don't know what you're talking about. / Happy Valentine's Day.

Kenneth:Kenneth slept at the office because his keys are in Jenna's lost wallet; he reports that 'two little twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever'

Liz · Kenneth:Liz has a 'donkey spell' — she makes donkey sounds in public — because she didn't fill her prescription

Kenneth · Liz:Liz's description of the mystery man: 'he is English and he made me laugh' — then Kenneth's enthusiastic response about England being 'the dried husk America came out of'

Kenneth:Kenneth justifies deception for love using: 'Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest' and 'Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him'

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth calls Wesley doing a fake Caribbean/Jamaican nurse accent that gradually goes Irish

Kenneth:'Bobsled' — Kenneth says it as a standalone word after hanging up, apparently to reinforce the Jamaica theme

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna refuses to help Tracy — then when Kenneth says it would take 'the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen' — she immediately says 'Fine, I'll do it!'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth asks Tracy if he can repeat his performance — Tracy mishears it as an echo of his own voice

Liz · Wesley · Kenneth:Wesley arrives at 30 Rock because Kenneth found his wallet — Liz reacts with utter disbelief: 'This is not possible.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I am either very happy right now, or I'm having a pretty bad donkey spell. I'm okay. It will pass.'

Kenneth:I would be remiss if I didn't honor our fallen leader with a song. This is for you, Dan Goose. ♪ Amazing ♪ ♪ gra-♪ [trails off]

Kenneth:Kenneth begins singing 'Amazing Grace' but trails off almost immediately into silence after '♪ gra-♪'

Kenneth:My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers in catalogues.

Kenneth:You say that so often, you should come up with a shortcut word for it, like 'ivatrennapra.'

Kenneth · Pete:A what? / If Tracy and Jenna hear about it, they'll get jealous and act out, and as much as I want to, I can't slap the brat out of them.

Kenneth:Silly Mr. Hornberger. Always saying hate when he means love.

Kenneth:An old Gus is the biggest catfish in the pond. Legend has it, the only bait that'll catch old Gus is a piece of old Gus himself. So every time they catch him, they cut off a little piece of him so they can catch him again.

Tracy · Kenneth:Now, how did the very first person catch old Gus? / Well, that's a story for another time — / Right now.

Kenneth:So if my grandfather hadn't gotten on the wrong train that day, he never would have met his wife's murderer.

Kenneth:I wonder what Hawaii's state quarter is gonna be? / Nobody knows. But here are several hundred guesses — a pineapple, a coconut...

Kenneth:So to get there, you start on old barn road. Then you take the first left, then the next left, then the next left, and then another left. That'll take you around the quarry, which is real pretty. I just wanted you to see it. That'll put you back on old barn road.

Kenneth:Now, I don't have a lot of experience reading stuff out loud to people, so I'm gonna do this the most normal way I can think of. Space, space, space, space, space, space, my autobiography, space, space, space, space, space, by Kenneth Ellen Parcell. Space, space, space, space, space. / Thank you.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / Oh, I'll show you how to thank me.

Kenneth:Let's do this. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. Wake up.

Kenneth · Nancy:Kenneth asks Nancy: 'Have we met before?' / Nancy: 'You shut your mouth!'

Kenneth:Her name might be Cheryl, and she was wearing a red shirt in 1984.

Kenneth:My best friend in the whole world, comma, bald category.

Kenneth:Get it yourself, Chubbs. I'm on a coffee break.

Kenneth:Good afternoon, and welcome... Not. / We begin our stupid tour of this once-great network outside studio 6H.

Kenneth:We begin our stupid tour of this once-great network...

Kenneth:Let's meet up later and smoke some drug cigarettes.

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:Kenneth, you're not going to Los Angeles. Oh. Because they're making me fire you. You're fired.

Kenneth:Hey, everybody. I got fired today. You won't have Kenneth Ellen Parcell to kick around anymore, so I want to tell you people what I really think of you.

Kenneth:For four long years, I have listened to you all complain about your East coast media elite problems — your apartment renovations and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia.

Kenneth:I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas.

Kenneth:And I have loved it.

Kenneth:So kiss my face!

Kenneth:I'll see you all in heaven! / Have a wonderful summer!

Kenneth:But I'm real happy here at CBS. They gave me a tote bag with The Mentalist on it!

Kenneth:I lied to Mr. Jordan. I miss you all so much.

Kenneth · Jenna Maroney:Kenneth's pig farm backstory: 'back home on our pig farm, times are tough. We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and Poppy.' 'Are those some of your pigs?' 'Yes.'

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:'We can pull an Arizona double-back on them, Kenneth!' / 'I don't understand what you're saying, but I like that it has the word we in it!'

Kenneth:Kenneth's explanation of why he's participating in the con: 'I don't understand what we're doing... we're standing here, talking. Adding brick after brick to our friendship castle so it someday reaches the sky!'

Kenneth:'If Cookie Puss knew, he'd tear us apart with his fangs!'

Kenneth:'And with enough money, they could buy those magic beans from that old hermit. We'd be rich!'

Kenneth · Jenna Maroney:Kenneth wants to continue the con: 'We can't stop now! My family needs money.' Jenna: 'But they're on to us!' Kenneth: 'I have another idea... for a long con.'

Kenneth:Kenneth orders 21 cakes for 'Frajer Reunion 2010.' 'Isn't it Frasier?' 'No, it's Frajer. And I should know. I'm Frajer.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Kenneth, we've got a new con. We're gonna go down to Florida, open a medical supply store, then get Social Security numbers... Through seduction!

Kenneth · Kelsey Grammer:Kenneth's reformed speech: 'People did get hurt by our actions. And yes, my family sure could use a couple hundred more dollars...' — Kelsey Grammer immediately pivots: 'A couple hundred dollars, huh? I think I can help you out. But I'm gonna need 50 to get started.'

Kenneth:Tracy Jordan, the star of TGS and numerous films, has died. No, it can't be! I'm not done with him, Jacob! He stays on this side!

Kenneth:That way, he can see his own funeral, just like Tom Sawyer! Tom was a fellow from my town we accidentally buried alive. Funny story, after we dug him back up, he tried to kill all of us.

Tracy · Kenneth:I need your help. / I actually have an important church... / Denied!

Tracy · Kenneth:It's go time, Ken. Are you ready? / I've got my hammer, I've got my mask. / You just stop me before I get to that cat. / I'll be right behind you.

Tracy · Kenneth:Die, hero cat! I hate you! / [Tracy attacks the cat] / I said I'm gonna kill that cat! / Killing cats is wrong! / Unless it's to make a hat! / My skull!

Jenna · Kenneth:Kenneth is our human Sushi platter, and I'm doing a dry run so everything will be perfect... For my friend Tracy.

Kenneth:Lying perfectly still reminds me of hiding under our porch during a hill people rampage.

Kenneth:You know my uncle was a tinkerer. Until the FBI shot him.

Kenneth:After I left Kentucky Mountain Bible College, it still kept going. Until it was shut down because of the wolves.

Kenneth · Jack:Television studies with a minor in Bible sexuality. — So not psychiatry. Thank you.

Jack · Kenneth:But if you really want to help me, stick your hand in there and see if you get a shock. — Aah! My hand! — Damn it, it's supposed to do that.

Kenneth:Sir, I was wrong about the hypothermia. I don't even feel cold anymore. I don't feel anything.

Kenneth · Liz:Liz's assistant relays Carol's message: he has no cell service because he's on layover in Daytona Beach — but 'he's fine and having a great time with his flight crew, Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal. Also, in the background, I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking. But He gave us ten fingers. He must really want us to poke things! Poke, poke, poke!'

Kenneth:Kenneth reports the softball sign-up results: '8 nos and 25 shove it up your goon-holes.'

Kenneth:Kenneth, alone after Liz leaves, whispers: 'Why did she have to say Harold?'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack: 'Kenneth, who is Harold?' / Jack (internal): 'Please let Harold be human.' / Kenneth: 'Harold was a pig.'

Kenneth:Kenneth needed $300 for the 'river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket' to New York.

Kenneth:Kenneth on the pig-eating contest: 'I knew I could win that contest. Why, I once ate an entire witch. A pig was nothing.'

Kenneth:Kenneth recognizes the pig's eyes: 'I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.' Then: 'It was Harold, and I ate all of him... even the face, in case of a tie.'

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:Jack addresses his assistant as 'K-L-M-N-O-P'

Kenneth · Jack:...this belt. [long pause]

Kenneth:Thank you for taking in Miss Maroney, Mr. Baker. We would have asked you sooner, but we forgot you worked here.

Jenna · Danny · Kenneth:It's like we're married! / Now, don't you two start bickering like old married folks!

Kenneth · Danny · Jenna:Look, I made this picture of us! / Did you draw that? / You might need help. That's awful for an adult.

Jenna · Danny · Kenneth:Careful! / Don't coddle the boy. He can do it. / [Kenneth falls] Oh, my bones!

Danny · Kenneth:Well, sport, I'm gonna be moving out. / I don't understand. / Well, sometimes two people who care about each other just can't live together. / Oh, no, I get that. What I don't get is this is Danny's dressing room.

Danny · Jenna · Kenneth:But you're my Danny and Jenna. / And we'll always be Danny and Jenna. We just won't be Danny and Jenna together. / And don't think for one second this means we love you less. / Know that it means that.

Kenneth:I was holding in a 'snart,' and then right when she took the photo... Don't you want to know what a 'snart' is?

Kenneth:I've never been on TV before. I hope I photograph okay, because when I look into a mirror, there's just a white haze.

Kenneth:I couldn't put the memo in your mailbox, 'cause it's full of unread adoption materials.

Kenneth:I can talk to animals. Well, not talk to 'em... I can take commands from 'em.

Kenneth:I heard the blessed news, Liz. May I kiss your stomach? Hello, beautiful. It's Uncle Wutzy.

Jack · Kenneth:However, I presented it as my own idea. Wonderful! Next topic.

Kenneth:Not what my uncle does when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that.

Kenneth:Last time I checked, best friends can't steal from each other. Now stop being a silly Simon.

Kenneth:One time, I saw a turtle...

Kenneth:Isn't that just Easter?

Hank · Kenneth · Jack:No? How about a hug? / You've gotta be kidding me.

Kenneth · Hank:It doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds. / One... Mississippi...

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth, when I'm gone, how do you think people will remember me? / Actually, sir, I've already started to compose a heroic ballad commemorating your life. ♪ Slaves of Jesus ♪ ♪ hear my tale ♪

Kenneth:When I have problems, I like to talk to the man upstairs. Unfortunately, Mr. Guzelian got put in jail for attacking his father.

Kenneth:I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.

Kenneth:Mr. D'Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or strap-on Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead.

Kenneth:Oh, you'll be proud of me, Miss Lemon. It is not easy coming up with ideas to save the show, but this morning, I held up this sign in the 'Today Show' window!

Kenneth:They sent light bulbs to save 'Friday Night Lights,' hot sauce to save 'Roswell,' and douche bags to save 'Entourage.'

Kenneth:Bird Internet!

Kenneth:I've already sent about 100 of these, even though licking an envelope is a sin... unless you're married to it. So I had to marry each envelope and then divorce it, which brings me to my ninth point...

Kenneth:I'm not with him! God bless America! My thorax!

Kenneth:This is the same place Mr. Jordan gets pizza from in Africa.

Kenneth · Deliveryman:Large cheese pizza with one slice taken out so I can pretend I'm eating Pac-Man, like my hero Blinky the ghost.

Kenneth:Oh, is this awkward, because I'm your best friend but you're not my best friend?

Kenneth:A copy of 'Black Yachts' magazine and a Rubik's Cube that's been smashed out of anger.

Kenneth:Mr. Jordan, where are you? Come back! For the love of God, come back or we'll die!

Kenneth · Liz:'Ello! I'm a baby! — What are you doing? — I don't know! You got in my head!

Kenneth · Liz:Wax statue! Darn it! I thought we had him!

Tracy · Kenneth · Liz:As a time saver, I will refer to the two of you as 'Klemon.' I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now, remember, to save time, you two are 'Klemon.' — It's a combination of... — Just keep going!

Kenneth · Jenna Maroney:I'll never forget what you said to me after that first show, miss Maroney. / Terrific show, ma'am. If I know anything about television, The Girlie Show is a hit. / Oh, please. If this turkey goes 100 episodes, I'll have your baby.

Kenneth:Well, it's been 100 episodes. I better lay you across my grandmother's lap in the mating shed.

Kenneth:I wish. Albinos get to be watchers in the mating shed.

Kenneth:You could sing the baby to sleep and tell it fairy tales and act out all the witch parts.

Kenneth:And out on the Plaza, a bird landed on my apple. I thought he was gonna eat it, but he just sat there. What's next? A different bird landing on a different apple?

Kenneth:Oh, excuse me, miss. How much is a lap dance? I'm a little light on cash, but I have a PayPal account.

Sideways Jack · Past Jack · Future Jack · Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:We're obviously all thinking it, so I'm just gonna say it. We're gonna have sex with each other, right? / Yeah, we are. / Oh, my!

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:For some reason, I'm starting to rethink this, sir. / We all have doubt, k-tel records. But we made a decision. And we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:I only ask one thing, sir. Make it quick. / I cannot promise you that, Ken. I'm a horrible shot.

Kenneth · Tracy:'I think I speak for all of us when I say how thrilled we... / Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom!'

Dotcom · Grizz · Kenneth:'Smooth move, Ferguson' — an inside joke from the entourage that Tracy doesn't understand

Grizz · Dotcom · Kenneth · Tracy:'Smooth move, Ferguson.' [Grizz, Dotcom, and Kenneth burst out laughing; Tracy has no idea what this means]

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth reports logistics obstacles: 'Dotcom licks the subway steps.' Tracy: 'These are solvable problems.'

Kenneth · Mr. Slattery:Kenneth defends the inside joke: 'Smooth move Ferguson was just trying to fill a void because Mr. Slattery's political cartoons weren't cutting it.' Kenneth: 'I can't draw hands.'

Tracy · Dotcom · Grizz · Kenneth:'Never go away again.' Tracy: 'Don't ever tell me what to do! Quad hug, me in the middle!'

Kenneth:I know your wife was kidnapped by some convenience-store owners...

Kenneth:Back in Stone Mountain, people lose their spouses all the time. Mumps, Hill People attacks, cave collapses... both business and residential.

Kenneth:It's an old Parcell family recipe. But I like to replace the Union-soldier meat with boiled potatoes.

Jack · Kenneth:That was her chair. / Oh, I'm sorry. / No, please sit. You two have similar-shaped buttocks.

Kenneth:Deer God, thank you for this venison.

Kenneth:Onion God, thank you for these onions. Carrot God, thank you for the carrots.

Kenneth:There's a lot of drawings of Ms. Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips.

Jack · Kenneth:Jack and Kenneth role-play a domestic evening — Kenneth in earrings, telling Jack about his 'day' including a 'soft yes from Jonathan about my birthday party' and an 'uncomfortable dinner.'

Kenneth · Jack:Mr. Donaghy, where are my clothes? / Sherry must have put them in the wash while you were showering. Now, give us a twirl.

Kenneth:I don't like to swear, sir, but no, thank you.

Kenneth:Maybe I haven't had a wife who was kidnapped, but I have seen The Brady Bunch where Tiger runs away.

Kenneth:Kenneth's Kenneth-as-Avery monologue: 'Listen to me, Jack! You don't want people to pity you? Well, they should, because you are pitiful... He may be a chinless piece of human garbage, but he will never fill the void that I left behind.'

Jack · Kenneth:He's gonna ask me to go to his birthday party. / Hey, Mrs. Dongy, you wan' come on down my birfday party?

Kenneth · Rossitano:I'm sorry you're going to hell. That's okay. How was your break?

Kenneth:The world is ending tomorrow! / And you're happy about that? / Oh, of course. I get to go to heaven and receive my reward! 72 virgin margaritas, hold the salt.

Kenneth:I'm sorry I won't be seeing you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock. But on the bright side, black hell does have a jukebox.

Kenneth:Is the sky blue? / Until tomorrow, when it will be on fire.

Kenneth:Sir, this Chiquita banana sticker had been stuck to that ceiling for years. So I finally scraped it off.

Kenneth:Scrape sticker off ceiling, fix that humming noise only I can hear, organize snack table by food jewishness.

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth, we were just out on the Plaza, and four flaming horses rode by. / Reverend Gary says super-gay horses are one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Kenneth:Well, enjoy it while you can, because tomorrow, you're going to women's hell. Uh, also, FYI, women's hell is the same as aroused dog heaven.

Jack · Kenneth:Have you ever been in love? / Only while playing tennis. / I'm kidding. I've never played tennis.

Kenneth:Well, does falling off a bridge in a horse cart count? [when asked if Kenneth has ever been in an airplane]

Kenneth · Jack:Sir, I've never even seen the ocean. / Never? Kenneth, that's insane.

Lutz · Kenneth:Aah! Redire ad abyssum! Princeps tenebrarum! Ow! It's me, Lutz.

Kenneth:You're at work before Miss Lemon? Now, that's a sign of the apocalypse.

Kenneth:Make fun of the super-handsome guy who believed too much.

Kenneth:You three are in a time-out. Everybody in the van!

Kenneth · Tracy:It's so beautiful. A mermaid! / Dude, those are diapers.

Kenneth:Easy as pie, Ms. Maroney. What could go wrong? Why would I even say that?

Kenneth:'For a complete catalog of our lighting products, visit our website.' We need a computer.

Jenna · Kenneth:Now, if you want to take the fall for this, be my guest. But I can't be connected to it in any way. / Take what fall? / Oh, please. You said it yourself how many rules we've broken. 'B' and 'E', theft and destruction of company property. And who knows what we've done to Pete.

Kenneth:They'd kick me out of the page program faster than a fella can come up with folksy similes.

Kenneth · Unknown:How much time will Kenneth and I have? / How long is the show? / I don't know. I've never done it before, baby.

Pages · Kenneth:Pages chanting 'Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!' over Kenneth — Dalton is established as the 'most popular page'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth begins the John Henry story; Jack cuts him off: 'We all know about John Henry, Kenneth. It's just a story.' Kenneth: 'Well then, I know about another story that turned out to be true.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's 'virgin birth' story turns out to be about his sister and nephew Lyle who has a learning disability.

Kenneth:Famous pages list: Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'It's hard not to take that personally, sir.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth to Jack: 'I was wrong. I do need you.' Jack: 'You had me at I was wrong, I do need.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Dump, sir. Dump all over me.'

Kenneth · Jenna Maroney:Kenneth asks if they missed him while he was gone; Jenna says she saw him yesterday and he was 'in the kitchen all day' — but it was a broom

Kenneth:Kenneth uses his 'once-in-a-lifetime interruption' to argue he is not even a dog to them, then pivots to: 'when a dog goes missing, everyone's upset 'cause there's no dog milk for the babies'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth gives Jenna a pube count update: 'We'll take a pube count, but it doesn't feel worth it.'

Kenneth · Hazel:The GPS tracker for Tracy's lizard Jeremy says he's inside the room — and the lizard is attached to Hazel's face, 'mating with my mouth.'

Kenneth:Kenneth tells Hazel she made a big mistake by not thanking Tracy for throwing milk at her: 'Tracy Jordan threw milk at you, and you didn't even thank him?'

Kenneth:Kenneth explains the page program mascot: 'Pagey, a piece of paper.'

Kenneth:Kenneth hands Hazel 'page underwear that has been handed down, page to page, for over 70 years.'

Kenneth · Liz:Oh, what is that smell?! The gym said the odor was attracting bugs that were attracting bats that were attracting bat-hawks.

Kenneth:I also got you these goofy water balloons my mom's friend Ron used to always send me out to buy.

Kenneth:Oh, you smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

Kenneth · Pete:Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear.

Kenneth:He lives in the Mariana trench. He emerges every four years to trade children's tears for candy.

Kenneth:Gabe's got the week off. He's a Mormon. You know how they are about Leap Day.

Kenneth:Of course, take off my bald cap. Not put on my wig.

Kenneth · Jack (via memo):'Unfortunately due to the Obama worldwide recession, there will be no Leap Day bonuses this year. Mean laughter, sound of a drink being poured. What are you writing now, you slack-jawed donkey?'

Kenneth · Kenneth · Jack:Careful, sir, those leaves are poisonous. / You know the saying, 'rhubarb red, eat away, rhubarb green, don't eat them.' / Kenneth, I've watched Newt Gingrich eat a plate of ribs. I think my stomach can handle some rhubarb leaves.

Kenneth:One of my birds is sick and I want to get home in time to baptize her.

Kenneth:Please get better, sir. I've dug too many graves.

Old Man · Kenneth:Why the long face, son? / I do have a long, elegant face, thank you, but I can't enjoy your compliment, because I'm sad.

Old Man · Kenneth:I reckon you may be right. Leap Day William's probably just a tall tale told to kids to help sell candy. But this old fool still believes he exists, right here, inside all of us. / I am always coughing up blood. Could that be Leap Day William trying to get out?

Kenneth · Old Man:Thanks. Nice costume, by the way. / Right, costume.

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth, is that me? / I'm not Kenneth. I'm the spirit of Leap Day. Welcome to your Leap Day past.

Kenneth · Sherry the Nanny:Welcome to Leap Day present. / Okay, I'll change my eye color, but it seems like a waste of voodoo.

Jack · Kenneth:Five leap days from now. That's Liddy. I assume this is her horse stable and that she's hammering that nail as a funny joke. / No, Mr. Donaghy. She's doing Habitat for Humanity. After you missed all her leap days, she started experimenting with liberalism.

Jack · Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth, I want you to go to Citarella and buy the biggest rhubarb there is. The one that's as big as me, sir? That's the one. But first, you take Rebecca Birdstein to the vet.

Jack · Kenneth · Jack:What a Mitzvah. / Merry Leap Day, sir. / Merry Leap Day to us all!

Kenneth · Jack:All my suits are my late father's... Mr...

Kenneth:We have far too many sponsors that make housework easier for women.

Kenneth:Son, if you wanna get ahead in this world... Oh, God, this hurts... Tell your mother I'm gay.

Kenneth:I have some real problems with this Law & Order SVU script. We can't say 'dick wolf' on TV.

Kenneth:He's the best friend I've ever had, tied with everyone I've ever met.

Kenneth:But Bradley gave me my nickname. 'Susan.' Like 'lazy Susan,' 'cause I'm lazy and effeminate.

Kenneth:But I've never crushed anyone except accused witches.

Bradley · Kenneth:What's wrong, Susan? Mr. Pfister just took me to the woodshed, which I didn't even realize could be a metaphor.

Kenneth:I guess I signed off on a script where an Asian character refers to 'Rindsay Rohan' posing for 'Prayboy.'

Kenneth:Because of last night's cluster-whoops, Darren was fired. Then he threatened to come back with a gun. Then I got a promotion, and the desk closest to the door.

Kenneth:And a wonderful new show from D.L. Hughley that's already been canceled!

Liz · Kenneth:Boy, I am still not comfortable calling you by your first name. Then again, you've never been comfortable calling me by my full Christian name. Kenneth. No, 'Kenneth' is short for andromakennethamblesorton.

Liz · Kenneth:How can we do 'Fart Doctor' without the word 'fart'? I'm surprised they allow you to say 'doctor.' It's so close to 'gynecologist' which is disgusting.

Liz · Kenneth:Do you have a second, Kenneth? No, there's only one of me. What? What are you asking?

Kenneth:That reminds me. You can't say 'using' on TV. It implies drug use.

Kenneth:I stole that speech from an episode of JAG, but it applies here.

Kenneth:It's just stressful enough just having my own wastebasket that I have to fill every day.

Kenneth:I just wish I had never been born! 'Cause if I can't even get my friend Liz... At least I thought she was my friend... To respect me, how will I ever run a network and boss around those Jewish executives that were trained from birth to argue?

Kenneth · Kenneth Toilethole:I'm Kenneth, by the way. Me too. I'm Kenneth. Kenneth... uh... Toilethole.

Kenneth · Liz:Then wash my feet with your hair. No!

Liz · Kenneth:We're not even using the word 'dingbat,' Mr. Parcell. A Parcell man has never been called 'mister' outside of an execution chamber. Boy.

Kenneth:I'm gonna live bleep him. Normally, I'd have to get permission from Irene first, but there isn't time.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy's stand-up is entirely bleeped, with words replaced by random unintelligible phrases — 'cause they love to those big / 'cause they eat all our aloud / housed in a [bleep], boooooy! / You just ate a with extra? / Well, you called the right.'

Gaylord Felcher · Kenneth:Kenneth, I'm Gaylord Felcher. The head of Standards? I have never seen bleeping like that, so guess what? I'm promoting you, you little -face.

Kenneth · Gaylord Felcher:All right, Felcher, you don't have to talk like that. Well, who's gonna stop me? Who among you has the power to censor the censor?

Unknown (bathroom character) · Kenneth:Every time one of you leaves, the other one comes back. [beat] You know, I'm starting to suspect that I have bad luck.

Kenneth · Hazel:He's only allergic to allergy medication. But he loves it.

Kenneth · offscreen driver:Know this, Hazel. I will always be here... For them and for you. Nothing can ever make me... / Move your car.

Kenneth:Kenneth's confessional: 'I know I'm a big shot now with my suits and a desk lamp that I control'

Hazel · Kenneth:'What's your problem?' / 'Oh my, well... my parents were technically brothers—' / 'Look, I'm trying to do my job here.'

Kenneth:'He has a special place in my heart. Just like Nana Parcell, my heartworm.'

Hazel · Kenneth:Hazel is making Tracy's food easier to eat because 'his jaw is tired from pretending to be Pac-Man'

Kenneth:'He just got his cholesterol down to triple digits.'

Hazel · Kenneth:'You think you can push me around just because you have a penis?' / Kenneth: 'I definitely have a penis.'

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Tracy: 'Hazel, I just peed this. Could you take care of it for me?' — holding up something (implied urine-adjacent object) mid-argument

Kenneth · Hazel · Tracy:Kenneth launches a 'getting-your-act-together montage' song for Tracy — immediately interrupted by Hazel with a piñata

Kenneth · Liz:Liz: 'Are you busy regretting your life choices, for example, missing your window for having children?'

Liz · Kenneth:'I bet even Hillary Clinton has to put up with this crap from whoever was Secretary of State before her.' / 'You mean Condoleezza—' / 'Shut up.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'You were wrong. They do still make crossbows.' — Tracy arrives with crossbow and motorcycle ramp but no motorcycle

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna to Kenneth: 'Oh, I thought you were someone famous. You sound a lot like Reese Witherspoon.'

Kenneth · Gaylord Felcher:Kenneth quits his job at Standards and Practices to enter the walk-on contest — the Standards and Practices employee responds: 'I may f***ing hate you right now, you little f***, but f***ing damn it I respect you.'

Kenneth:Kenneth, in a disguise/costume as a contest winner, enters as 'Leminem' — a portmanteau of Liz Lemon and Eminem.

Gaylord Felcher · Kenneth:Kenneth quits his Standards and Practices job to enter the walk-on contest. The Standards employee's send-off: 'I may [bleep] hate you right now, you little [bleep], but [bleep] damn it I respect you.'

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth explains his motivation for quitting: 'Have you ever loved something so much that you would sacrifice anything for it?' Liz: 'Nope.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth to Tracy: 'I won't do that' (quoting Meat Loaf's 'I'd Do Anything for Love') — Tracy: 'The girl in that video was hot in an early '90s kind of way.'

Liz Lemon · Kenneth:Liz's breakdown: 'All I wanted was one shred of evidence that my life is moving forward.' Kenneth appears asking for a recommendation to reapply to the NBC page program. Liz: 'We've already done that, Kenneth. We've done all of this!'

Jenna · Kenneth:It's English director Christopher Nolan. I was shooting blow darts at Maggie Gyllenhaal from a heating vent.

Jenna · Kenneth:I quit this show! To hell with you all! Go to hell! [beat] I just need you to do a quick camera test.

Kenneth:Liz, are you getting enough vitamin 'C'? May I suggest messily eating an orange while I photograph it?

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth, what do you know about revenge? Well, the Bible says it's wrong, but it's the surprise hit of the season on ABC, so I don't know.

Kenneth:From your trash, Mrs. Maroney. The garbage man knows all.

Kenneth:Kenneth's garbage monologue: 'In this big trash bag, I see everyone's mistakes, their embarrassing secrets, their dreams they don't dare share with anyone.'

Kenneth:They call me 'the natural.' I'm so good, the other janitors just sit in the basement all day getting drunk and laughing about this idiot they know.

Kenneth:Ms. Maroney, judging is for God and his angels. [beat] So, yes, you are.

Kenneth:The writers had me clean out their refrigerator today, so the trash smelled like, to use a technical janitorial term, total ass.

Kenneth:Where I'm from, Uncle Sam's mouth is sewn up, and then he's set on fire, so I don't know how he talks.

Kenneth:I'm sorry, sir. If I could buy your couches, I would.

Jack · Kenneth:You know, that's exactly what you'll do. / Okay. / And will you accept dancing as money? / Kenneth. / Drag me to my office.

Liz · Jack · Kenneth:Wait, you sold them? To whom? / I just had to find a buyer who has too much money and loves to waste it. So every defective sofa that Kouchtown makes will be purchased by your beloved tax-and-spend government. / What are they going to do with them? / Sink them and make a reef to protect gay turtles? I don't know, lemon, and I don't care.

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth convenes a meeting invoking '12 Angry Men'; Jack dismisses it: '11 decent Americans are swayed by Jane Fonda's father?'

Kenneth:Kenneth listing great live TV moments: 'The moon landing. The Beatles. The Voice results show.'

Kenneth · Lutz:Kenneth mentions Lutz getting nervous on live TV and throwing up. Lutz: 'Oh, I had a lobster roll and two yogurts.'

Kenneth:Joey Montero described as 'just like Tracy Jordan because he did not want to rehearse and he wanted to leave as soon as possible'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Glamour. Excitement. What we today would call alcoholism.'

Kenneth:Kenneth explains that NBC's 'Alfie and Abner' hired 'one African-American and one Caucasian because they thought two black people on the same show would make the audience nervous. A rule NBC still uses today.'

Kenneth:Kenneth narrates: 'NBC received a lot of complaints... that the show wasn't on often enough. So they forced Theodore Freeman to honor his contract.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack: 'Times change. Television replaced radio. Cars replaced horses.' / Kenneth: 'Not where I'm from.' / Jack: 'Are you telling me the mayor of your hometown is a car? Pretty weird.'

Liz · Kenneth:Liz: 'Oh my God, Kenneth. It's my period. It's gonna blow.' Kenneth: 'We both know you're not due for another nine days.'

Kenneth:Kenneth narrates: 'While they never found Jamie Garnett, that woman who stole his microphone went on to become a wife.'

Jack · Kenneth:The show is saved via a product placement deal for the Warner Brothers movie 'Rock of Ages': 'Tom Cruise sings.' Kenneth reads it aloud; Jack adds 'Or I'll just pay you all less.'

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth greets Liz and Jack at Rus: 'That's a sharp look, Kenneth.' / 'Thank you, sir, but I can't take all the credit. Everything I know about fashion, I learned from my old college roommate, John Mark Karr.'

Kenneth:Well, where will you sit patiently in the dark while you wait for the next day to start? I mean, sleep?

Kenneth:Have a good day, Doris. / [High-pitched] 'You have a good day too, Kenneth.' / Whatever, Doris. Grow up.

Kenneth:Oh, are you talking about Hazel or the raccoon that won't let me into my kitchen? Either way, the answer is 'wonderful.'

Kenneth · Jenna:This isn't my application. This isn't even my handwriting. / Do you know whose handwriting it is? / Hazel's. / She sabotaged you so you won't become a threat. / And to think I thought Hazel was a bitch!

Kenneth:Friendly and loyal like a well-trained female dog. But she isn't a bitch. She's a meaniepants.

Kenneth · Tracy:I need some advice. / I recommend you get it from Liz Lemon or an owl who wears glasses.

Kenneth · Tracy:I've been living with Hazel for the past few months, and while we have gotten to second base — / You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? / No! I mean sharing a yogurt.

Kenneth · Tracy:I'm saving myself for marriage, and Hazel says she's saving herself for a Grade-A pork machine. / And those are expensive.

Kenneth · Tracy:This is wonderful! Tracy Jordan is coming to dinner. Just like in that episode of 'Family Matters' when Tracy Jordan came to dinner. / You know, I wasn't scripted to be in that episode. I just wandered onto set because Reginald Vel Johnson owed me $40.

Kenneth:If you put this in the oven at about 200 degrees, my snake should be very comfortable while she gives birth.

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Thank you. Your home is terrible. / Shall we conversation? / Yes. We're having weather. / Much weather.

Kenneth:That sturgeon just will not die. / Excuse me a moment.

Kenneth:And this is your Uncle Bob. [Photo of a creepy man revealed]

Kenneth · Hazel:Oh, but we have government ice cream. / And that's what you're gonna serve to Tracy Jordan? / I'm as shocked as anybody.

Kenneth:Maybe the nice vending machine at the prison is working again.

Tracy · Kenneth · Hazel:Kenneth, I have something I need to tell you. / Last night, when you left, Hazel came on to me 'cause she wants me to put her in a movie. / Hazel, is this true? / Yeah. It is true. / Not!

Kenneth · Tracy:My best friend. / And my girlfriend. / Well, I always believe you, sir, because you're on television. / And webisodes.

Kenneth · Tracy:Yesterday you told me our women are queens, and they're always right, which means I should believe Hazel. But that would make you wrong, Mr. Jordan, and you've never been wrong about anything before. / It's a blessing and a purse.

Kenneth · Tracy:Unless Hazel is always right, but only because you said so, Mr. Jordan, which means you're right, too. / And both sides being right is like kissing your sister. / A wonderful treat!

Kenneth · Jenna:Hey, Jenna. — Shut up.

Kenneth:Kenneth narrates: 'Mmm, my lips are so dry. I better wet them with this mop.' Then: 'Oh, no. Now my undershirt is wet with mop juice.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna catches Kenneth and proposes a seduction bit: 'You be the janitor, and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor that you just can't chisel off.' Then: 'Show me that part of your shins that's hairless from your synthetic socks.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth shows Jenna a fake newspaper headline: 'Teens gone wild: Is Jenna Maroney partying too hard?' and warns: 'Be careful, you don't want to turn out like Amanda Byne-us. Did I do it right?'

Kenneth · Jenna Maroney:You're maybe the most high-maintenance bitch in Hollywood. / Maybe? Who's more? Who is she?

Tourist · Kenneth:What do I... Press a button? / No, it's different from every other camera in the world.

Kenneth:You're a fraud! And you look like a condom that's been dropped on the floor of a barbershop.

Kenneth:For the past seven years, I've been compiling a supercut of all of Jenna Maroney's worst moments. Security footage, cell phone videos, rehearsals... All her biggest diva freak-outs are on this DVD.

Kenneth:To be continued... Mr. Spider. / Ew, web in my mouth!

Kenneth · Liz:'I need you to marry me so I don't get sent back to Canada! Really? Now you have a thing?'

Kenneth:Kenneth's absentee ballot backstory: 'Until this year, I wasn't allowed to vote because Reverend Gary said choosing is a sin. But then Reverend Todd said, "Reverend Gary is dead! Long live Reverend Todd!"'

Kenneth:'The Parcells have been in this country since we went berserk and murdered everyone at Roanoke.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'Like how you must have felt four years ago when you finally got to vote for a president who looks like you.' Tracy: 'Black Shrek ran for president?'

Tracy · Kenneth:'Probably because I get all my news from social media. And I've been banned from all social media.' / 'You have? Why?' / 'Someone has to be the first person to make a joke after a celebrity dies.'

Tracy · Kenneth:'I guess I was a little "too soon" with Andy Griffith.' / 'What did you say?' / 'I can't unhear it! I can't unhear it!'

Kenneth:'Oh, that old clock tower. Nobody knows what it's counting down to.'

Kenneth:'To this day, I have to live with the fact that I cast the deciding vote that made "white" the newest flavor of Mountain Dew. But I guess that's just life in a Dewmocracy.'

Kenneth:Kenneth runs in having voted: 'I just voted! Doesn't it just fill you with hope like anything can happen?'

Kenneth · Unknown (likely Frank or Lutz):Kenneth mentions someone 'sucks on old baby wipes to get the alcohol out of them' — and someone in the room immediately responds 'Who does that? That's my thing!'

Jack (or interviewer) · Kenneth:Kenneth confessional: 'So tell me about your day, Kevin. I mean, Todd.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'This morning Miss Lemon had one of her meltdowns.' / Interviewer: 'About what?' / Kenneth: 'Because she can't balance work and personal life. But I mean, after seven years and hundreds of these episodes, it's like, let's move on.'

Jack · Kenneth:In this market, $2,000 is more than respectable. I mean, look at Kenneth. He's worth $5 tops. / I'm gonna hold you to that, sir!

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:Kenneth explains why he's mopping the floor angrily: 'First Miss Lemon fired my girlfriend, and now Hazel broke up with me.' — the same person

Kenneth:'The people you care about never leave. And the bad guy always gets what she deserves.'

Florence Henderson · Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:Florence Henderson appears as 'special guest star' — Tracy says 'None of that Brady stuff' and she immediately asks: 'Are you the perverts who want to go to town on each other while I make a pie?'

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:Tracy presents 'Hazel' but it's a different actress: 'I recast her! She tested through the roof! / At the STD clinic.'

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:So how's the movie going? / Terrible. Octavia won't do anything I tell her to do. She left early. She's completely unprofessional. / I don't know, Tray. Sound like she acting like you. / But I'm impossible to deal with. No one has ever been able to rein in my hilarious antics.

Kenneth · Tracy · Jenna:What? Did I miss a spot? / I don't care. All I care about is which jazz club I'm going to tonight. / He's broken.

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth Parcell isn't signing your precious affidavit. / That is a Christmas card from my estranged daughter.

Kenneth · Tracy · Jenna:Kenneth begins to list inappropriate things he's witnessed; Tracy and Jenna frantically interrupt him with 'You have something in your teeth! Let me lick it off!' and 'Want to see a porno my cousin is in?'