Season 4

Jack:Hello, everyone. I'm so happy to see all of you and to welcome you to Season Four. Which is, of course, the name of this restaurant, the number one Asian fusion restaurant in New York.

Jack:Where we will be eating the number-one-selling food in the rest of America.

Tracy:♪ You take a hot dog / Stuff it with some jack cheese / Fold it in a pizza / You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, 'Thanks, Meat Cat!' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard.

Liz:I can't eat this, I'm a foodie.

Tracy · Jack:Well, before I made it as a stand-up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway. That's not a real job. Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?

Tracy:You know how on St. Bart's, people be eating their lobsters like this? [mimes eating lobster with upper-class affect]

Tracy:Don't look at me in the eyes!

Tracy:I better talk to Rabbi Shmuley about this.

Jack · Liz:The best way for a lady to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship. Uh, we'll start with 'going country'.

Jack:To T.G.S. We'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet.

Liz · Jack:Well, you just don't like anybody, do you? Well...

Unknown Staff Member:He's burning money again.

Liz · Jack:What about Josh? Right, Josh, I forgot about that guy. You think that's a good sign?

Jack:Our new mammogram machine is called the 'Git-Er-Done 2000'.

Liz · Jenna (flashback) · Intern (flashback):Remember when Jenna thought that blonde intern wanted to be an actress? I'm studying acting and singing. And someday, I'm going to be just like you. They never did find her earlobe.

Liz · Pete · Kenneth:No one can know about this. Know about what? Pete's stealing money. Liz's uterus fell out. Oh, I think I already knew that. Hm.

Jack:Thanks to Comrade Obama's recession, we've had to cut overtime for pages.

Kenneth:Oh, it's not the money, sir. It's just that I always work more than 16 hours, so I would be signing my name to a lie. The Parcell name is synonymous with honesty.

Kenneth:As the Hill People say, 'Parcell gaw say del go up de saw say.'

Jack · Payroll Guy:I had to downsize the Payroll Department to one guy and an envelope stuffing machine. Today's my birthday.

Kenneth:'Dah don say da bay ton daw.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth pops out from behind a corner and yells 'Boo!' at Jack, then thanks him.

Liz:Luckily, everybody here is dumb, and you and I are good at lying.

Jenna · Liz · Pete:What are you two lovebirds whispering about? Nothing. Uterus nothing.

Tracy:I blame you and Dotcom. You two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid boobie.

Tracy · Rolly · Dotcom:So Rolly, where are you from? Brooklyn. Right on, my brother. My dear friend, Moby, opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?

Tracy · Rolly:You ever lose your remote control? Yeah. And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on?

Tracy:I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?

Tracy:You've sheltered me too much. I'm going out on the street, and I don't want nobody to follow me. Nobody! Um... which one is the elevator I'm not afraid of?

Kenneth:Oopsies, I think the machine gave me someone else's paycheck. John Francis Donaghy. Hey, he's got a girl's middle name too.

Kenneth:But he said sacrifice. And no overtime. So many zeros.

Jenna · Pete · Liz:I thought you were leaving 10 minutes ago of me. Oh, well, we're going two separate places. So it's not weird. No, nothing is ever weird now.

Liz:I can't. I'm picking up my 'new tritionist' and his elderly son.

Pete:Pete, are you driving uptown? Love you too! Bye!

Jack:I'll give you a New York minute. That's seven seconds.

Kenneth:Well, sir, we pages and I feel that me and they are not being treated fairly as regards paychecking. I'm nervous.

Kenneth · Jack:'Bonus' means 'extra'. I know that from game shows. You lied to me. I didn't lie, Kenneth. I massaged the truth.

Jack:I like you, Kenneth. But you do not want to mess with me right now. I am in the middle of a raging period! Of economic turmoil.

Pages on Strike:What do we want? To get you sandwiches! When do we want it? Whenever will be convenient for you!

Jack · Jenna:Do you know the song 'Are You Ready For Some Football?' Do I? That's what my phone plays whenever Ray Lewis calls me.

Liz · Jack:What sports does N.B.C. have these days? Oh, off-season tennis.

Jack:Whatever religious undergarment Kenneth wears is in a twist because I took my bonus this year.

Liz · Jack:Aren't you trying to be Johnny America right now? I am Johnny America. And this strike ends now.

Tracy:Hello, is anyone there? I'm in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he's a friend. Uh... Oh, never mind. There's a door, I'm out. Oh, it's sunny!

Tracy:Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is? Are you a large child or a small adult? You look regular. Can I guess your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Craigford? Is it Swimming? Are you a pre-op transcentaur?

Tracy:Are you a large child or a small adult? You look regular.

Tracy:Excuse me. Do you have change for a $10,000 bill?

Tracy:I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.

Tracy:Excuse me, sir. Do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire? Does anyone want to be my friend?

Tracy:I'm normal!

Liz:It's like I tell my assistant. Your weight is a reflection on me.

Len · Jack:Let me ask you a question, Mr. Donaghy. How do you kill a snake? You cut off the head. Of course! Thank you. Now I won't be afraid to go into my garage.

Len · Jack:I go undercover, infiltrate the union. Take this Parcell guy down from the inside. Very well. And you have undercover experience? They used to call me the Chameleon. Because of my slender frame and my big, wet eyes.

Liz:Has anybody seen my wallet? It's an L.L. Bean child's wallet from the 1970s. There's no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free Tasti D-Lite. Damn it to hell! I hate my life!

Pete:Yes, she will give it back to you when he goes home and gets it from her wife.

Liz · Pete:Yes, yes, we are doing it. [beat] No! So there you go, case closed. Pete and I are intercoursing each other.

Paula:If this is what Pete needs, I would be willing to welcome you into our lovemaking.

Paula:Pete, I know that I haven't been very sexual since my mother died.

Josh · Liz:Do you not see me? Oh, dang it. I keep forgetting about you.

Josh:You know what? I've had it with this place. I don't need this show, because I could get a job tomorrow in the Air Force! [attempts to storm out dramatically but struggles]

Liz · Pete · Others:Oh, somebody help him out, for God's sake. You've got to use your lower back. That's incorrect! Lift with your legs!

Kenneth:Attention, everyone. Strike update. I am happy to report that Local 415 has joined our cause! They are a blanket union that includes mall Santas, horse whisperers, and bucket drummers.

Len (undercover):Hey, dudes. I'm organizing a viral protest on 'Tweeter' and 'Youtubes'. Anyone wants to get in on that, just write down your social security numbers.

Kenneth · Brandon:I'm sorry, Brandon. What show are you assigned to again? Donahue.

Tracy:Meet my new friends, 'Nobody', and his wife, 'Susan Walters-Hyphen-Nobody'.

Unknown Page:Once I'm vested, I'm out of here.

Tracy:These... these are my people! Bucket drummers, if you are striking, so am I. Two, four, six, eight, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18.

Jenna:I came in here to shoot these tennis promos, and they had blue gels on the lights. You know that makes my teeth look see through.

Jenna:Jack is hiring a new cast member. If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!

Tracy · Others:Jenna Maroney is great! No new cast member! New what?

Len · Jack:I can't, the man is incorruptible. He was impervious to the charms of the 'Nympho Coed'. Charlene LaRue.

Jack:Guide me. Tell me what to do, Nixon.

Kenneth:Would you like something to eat? I have some leftover turtle meat from dinner. Or as you would call it, 'bonus' turtle meat.

Jack · Kenneth:Where's the bar? Well, there's a bar in the shower that the previous tenant installed to keep from slipping. He still died in there, though.

Jack · Kenneth:We're not so different, you and I. Those glasses are for display only.

Jack:And yet, when people look at you, they see who they want to be. When they look at me, they see who they are.

Kenneth:Sir, you sound like the mall Santas when they come back from lunch.

Jack:Jack: 'You have the moral high ground, I can't change that. But I can destroy you.' He threatens to shut down the page program forever.

Liz · Pete:Josh refuses to un-quit. Jenna and Tracy are on strike. We have no actors. Now we could rerun episode 214. No, no. That's the one where Tracy tore up that picture of the Pope. In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States.

Liz · Pete:You know, this whole thing is your fault. Wait, it's not my fault? Blame Jack or Kenneth or Tracy. Or Meat Cat. Because I've had the Cheesy Blasters for three days.

Liz:Why, so they can all go back to making my life a living hell? I hope they stay on strike forever!

Kenneth:Well, sir, now that I know you're a liar, I was wondering if you were lying about canceling the page program. And then, I thought, if there were no pages, you'd have to pay somebody real money to do our jobs. And give them health insurance. And if you don't even have money to pay our overtime, then you certainly can't afford all that.

Jack:I am a big, 'ol liar.

Jack:Jack signs the paper: 'I am a big, ol' liar.'

Kenneth · Pages:The strike is over! What did we get? A piece of paper that I can't really tell you about!

Page · Kenneth:Was this strike just over a personal thing between you and Mr. Donaghy? Massage it, Kenneth. No, it wasn't!

Jenna:♪ So put down your meth and slip on your whites / 'Cause here in real America, it's tennis night ♪

Announcer · Liz:Slawomir Mleczko versus Kryzsztof Mlynarkiewicz. In the Barnett Cup Semifinal. In the what?

Jenna:♪ Got my lawn chair in my trunk, not an ocean in sight / So kiss my ass, New York, 'cause it's tennis night ♪