Jenna Maroney

Tracy · Jenna:Right, Jenna Mulvaney? / Maroney. Rhymes with Baloney.

Jenna:Maroney. Rhymes with Baloney.

Jenna:Jenna: 'Nobody wants Tracy Jordan here except for certified non-genius Jack Donaghy.'

PA · Jenna:PA to Jenna: 'The sound guys want their microphone back. So everyone can hear everything you are saying.'

Jenna:Jenna's first response to learning she was on mic: 'Oh my God. I didn't use the N word, did I?'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy to Jenna: 'I read your interview in Amtrak Magazine.' Jenna: 'Really? You saw that?' Tracy: 'Did you know that all the writers in that magazine are also conductors?'

Jenna · Tracy:Yes, how did you know that? / I read your interview in Amtrak Magazine.

Jenna:Jenna seeing the embarrassing Post photo of Liz: 'Liz, did you see me in the Post? Oh, my God, it's so embarrassing. Look how thin I look.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Look how many emails I've gotten. It's not even 8:00 AM in L.A. Should I call Stern?'

Jenna:Where is my Emmy? [Jenna searching/demanding]

Jenna:It's a dance-pop techno hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everybody copies at Christmas?

Jenna · Pete:Muffin Top is also number four in Belgium. / I said you could do it. / Why not?!

Jenna · Liz:I have something the other actors don't. A secret weapon. / Oh, don't say your sexuality. / My sexuality! / Oh, God, Jenna, when has that ever worked?

Jenna · Unnamed man:Uh, when has it not worked? / It'll be a 45-minute wait. / Oh, will it? / Uh, yeah. Yeah, it will. Yeah.

Jenna · Ron the Extra:How do you take your coffee, Ron? / I take it? Uh...I take it, uh, with the non-dairy creamer. / Mmm. Yeah. Non-dairy creamer. [seductive pause] Yum.

Jenna · Ron:The extended 'ahem/mmm/ahh' seduction noises from Jenna while presumably doing something weird with coffee

Jenna · Liz:I hooked up with his boss. / Who, Ron? / Mm-hmm. / That guy's an extra on the show. / No. He said he was Jack's boss. / No. In the sketch. He doesn't even have a line.

Jenna · Liz:I am gonna get back at them...using my sexuality. / Do you have any left?

Jenna · Pete:The standards lady is saying that my moaning in Muffin Top is too graphic. Which of these is less offensive? Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Or...Ooh-hunh! Unh-hunh! Ohhh!

Jenna:Hello, Ron.

Jenna · Toofer:I have this fantasy of sneaking up to the roof of 30 Rock, and we make love while looking out at the city -- / Okay, let me guess. You figured out Frank and I lied to you, so to get even, you're trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there.

Jenna · Toofer:I have this fantasy of sneaking up to the roof of 30 Rock, and we make love while looking out at the city-- / Okay, let me guess. You figured out Frank and I lied to you, so to get even, you're trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there.

Jenna:The Muffin Top performance plays out onstage; the lyrics ('whole grain, low-fat,' 'I run a tidy bakery,' 'The boys all want my cake for free') continue after the show has gone off the air.

Liz · Jenna:Liz tells her friend not to give her the eyebrows; friend says 'Yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna says Liz doesn't get to give dating advice because 'You sent a letter to Scott Peterson. After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress. Are you kidding me? He was smokin'.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack to Jenna in wardrobe: 'The latest research is in. Our audience doesn't like green.' Jenna: 'Oh, that's too bad. I like green.' Jack: 'Research doesn't lie, Jenna. It lets us know what we're thinking — what's too boring, what's too gay, what's too old.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack's rapid-fire age interrogation of Jenna: birth year, graduation year, turn-40 year, junior high crush, prom theme, and what movie she lost her virginity at — then 'What's a drive-in?' / 'Of course.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I cannot and will not relax, Liz. I am an actress. And when someone asks an actress how old she is, it's more statement than question.'

Jenna:Jenna's reaction: 'I'm gonna be sick.'

Jenna:Jenna finally admits: 'Okay, I had a little Botox and some collagen, and a chemical peel, and something with shark DNA.'

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'Admit it, I look ten years younger.' Jenna: 'No, younger even. You look like a fetus.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz mentions Dennis; Jenna's eyebrows don't move. Jenna: 'They didn't?' Liz: 'No.' Jenna: 'How about now?' — attempting to raise eyebrows post-Botox

Liz · Jenna:Final tag: Liz reports: 'So how did it go?' Liz: 'He moved in with me.' Friend: 'Well, of course he did.'

Pete · Jenna:The Rural Juror — the title is so difficult to say that Pete literally cannot complete it, calling it 'The Rur-- That one.'

Jenna · Pete:"The Rural Juror" opens in selected theaters December 18th. / Does Jack Donaghy even know I'm in The Rural Juror?

Liz · Jenna:Liz relays Jack's opinion: 'He doesn't love it that you did those commercials.' / Jenna: 'Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...'

Jenna:Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's theatrical resignation: 'After the way Jack treated me today, I can't work here anymore. I quit.' — then immediately staying when Liz says three vague compliments.

Jenna · Liz · Dennis:He's a comple loser. / Oh, Jenna, don't say that. You know, he had some good moments. / Hi. I got donuts. / What's up, brown eyes? I made chili. / (next scene) Hey... You wanna... wanna order cheese steaks?

Jenna:I know this great karaoke place where you can get a pedicure while you sing.

Liz · Jenna:Liz and Jenna's previous karaoke duet: 'When I'm right here, you need to be here. Not here. Here is embarrassing.'

Jenna:Yeah, I think they're from the firm of Date-Rape, Coke-ington Cheeseball, and Jag.

Jenna · Liz:That guy wanted to buy you a drink. / Really? I already have a drink. / Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Liz · Jenna:I thought bars were open till 4:00. / Nope, 11:30. Let's get you to bed.

Jenna · Liz:Paul Newman or Robert Redford? / I've told you 1,000 times, Newman. Because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.

Jenna:Like that hot dancer Madonna used to have Lourdes.

Liz · Jenna:Jenna, did you tell Life and Style that your favorite book is the Koran? / I just wanted to sound smart.

Liz Lemon · Jenna:Jenna tells Life and Style that her favorite book is the Koran: 'I just wanted to sound smart.'

Makeup Woman · Liz · Jenna · Liz · Liz:I heard you were baby crazy. / No. / Yes, she is. / Please. / Oh, for the love of—nuts.

Liz · Jenna:Liz to Jenna: 'For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna refers to her movie as 'The Rurr-Jurr' and Liz almost says the title before catching herself — 'I didn't know they had a release date for The Rurr-- For that movie.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna and Liz reminiscing about the neighborhood festival in Little Armenia 'where they killed a goat in the street' — 'But we did have really good luck that year.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz struggles to find something nice to say about the movie: 'Oh, my God, Jenna! The soundtrack was so moody.' Then: 'Your face was very expressive. And another cool part was...the trees.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna says the Paris Hilton sketch is 'a train wreck.' Liz: 'Oh, I see. We're not talking about the nose. We're talking about the movie.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Teenmoviescene.com gave it five out of five iPods.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna and Liz's 'Really?/Really.' exchange escalating to five rounds before Liz says 'Well, Jenna, I'm sorry you feel that way.'

Jenna · Liz · Pete:Jenna and Liz communicating through Pete: 'Pete, could you tell Liz Lemon not to stand in my eyeline while I'm rehearsing, please?' / 'Pete, could you tell Jenna she smells like a stripper?'

Liz · Jenna:Liz's apology: 'I am sorry that I assumed other people would hate the movie just because I hate it. That was wrong.' Jenna: 'That's it? That's your apology?'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'So do I have to wear the nose tonight?' Liz: 'Yes you do.' Jenna: 'Okay, well then I hope you get bird flu and die.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'She doesn't even need those glasses.' Liz, turning back: 'Really, I'm a fake, blondie? I'm a fake?'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I am so glad I studied voice at Northwestern so I could do raps about Suri Cruise.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'This slut slept with your brother!' Liz: 'Mitch?' Jenna: 'Yeah, and let me tell you something about Mitch. He is disgusting in bed.' Liz: 'You know he's not right. He was in a really bad skiing accident!'

Jack · Jenna · Liz:Jack arrives on the TGS stage where Jenna and Liz are fighting: 'Ladies.' Long beat as they freeze, staring at him. 'Sit down.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I smelled crazy in here and I assumed it was you.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz shares her insecurity about wanting to be Jenna: 'That wants to be you, I guess.' Jenna: 'This is boring. I'm bored now.'

Jenna · Liz:After Liz's emotional confession that she wants Jenna's life, Jenna asks: 'So you really think I'm beautiful?' Liz: 'I never said that.' Jenna: 'Oh, I'm sorry.'

Jenna · Courtroom Actor:The Rural Juror courtroom scene playing: 'Your father Werner was a burger server in suburban Santa Barbara... When he spurned your mother Verna for a curly-haired server named Roberta, did that hurt her?'

Jenna:Jenna's character in the film: 'It was hard on all of us, yes.' Then after a pause: 'I'll always be his little girl.'

Liz · Jenna:The Head and the Hair nickname system — characters have been calling two MSNBC guys by physical descriptors instead of names

Pete · Jenna:The French maid werewolf costume vs. Hillary Clinton — 'No, the French maid werewolf thing is cut. You're supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz's Star Wars slip: 'It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon is-- / No, Liz. / Do not talk about stuff like that on your date.'

Jack · Liz · Jenna:Jack offers to make coffee for Liz and Jenna, who both decline — then Jack smoothly pivots back to authority mode in the hallway

Liz · Jenna:Liz and Jenna's shared bewildered reaction to Jack bringing them coffee

Jenna:Jenna's revelation: 'If it makes you feel any better, I've discovered I'm not a Head.'

Liz · Jenna:That's what your mom said to me last night. Booyah. / You got slammed, girl. That was surprising.

Jenna · Liz:What's that for? / I'm going to a birthday party for some prince tonight. / You mean like a dog birthday party?

Jenna · Liz:Jenna insists 'This is definitely a date.' Liz says 'No.' Jenna: 'Is it?'

Jenna · Liz:Oh, Liz, if you dress well and enter with confidence, you can get in anywhere. / You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you? / Just one. It's not the White House.

Jenna · Liz:When I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed. / Austria. / Yeah. That's what I said.

Jenna:Who knows how long this show will last. And I have no other skills whatsoever.

Jenna · Liz:Liz says she doesn't think Gerhardt can 'take care' of Jenna; Jenna: 'And I can get past someone's looks.' Liz: 'Since when?' Jenna: 'I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.'

Gerhardt · Jenna:Jenna, I know we have just met, but I think I love you. / Do you love me? / Mm... hmm.

Jenna:Vagina Day is a charity event founded by a group of celebrities who have, for whatever reason, never been asked to participate in 'The Vagina Monologues.'

Jenna:My vagina is a flower. A weird, ugly flower.

Jenna:I remember the night I lost my virginity. It was 1968, during the Democratic convention.

Frank · Toofer · Jenna:Marry, boff, kill — Cerie, Liz, and Jenna. / Marry Liz, get with Cerie, kill Jenna. / I can hear you!

Jenna:And does a phony bare her soul for the homeless? Because that comes from in here. My vagina is a convenience store... clean and reliable and closed on Christmas.

Jenna · Kenneth · Cerie:Kenneth! / What? How dare you. / You're so weird. / Tell Liz I left, okay? And if you want to tell those guys upstairs that we made out, it's all right with me.

Jenna:Admit it — you spend just as much time and energy trying to look weird as I do trying to look beautiful. And you can act like you hate me, but if I tried to kiss you right now, you would totally do it 'cause you're a big, phony jerk.

Jenna · Frank:Jenna confronts Frank: 'You wear your thrift-store T-shirts and your big, weird glasses... What does that even mean?' / Frank: 'It's pretty self-explanatory.' (about his 'Extra Cheese' hat)

Jenna · Frank:Okay, fine. I pooted. It's 3:00 in the morning. Are you happy? / Yeah, I'm happy, because that's the first time you've ever done something like a real person.

Jenna:I could do it again. But I wouldn't want to show off.

Frank · Jenna:Frank apologizes for saying he would kill Jenna. Jenna responds with sincere gratitude: 'Thank you.'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Oh, that cute black guy? / Why am I the only person that doesn't care that he's black?

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Steven played the race card? / Yes! / What did you do? / What could I do? I picked up the check and I made out with him a little bit in the taxi.

Jenna:I'd marry Jack in a heartbeat. I would have a three-way with two Jacks.

Jenna:Wow, how Sex in the City are we right now? I'm Samantha, you're Charlotte, and you're the lady at home who watches it.

Jack · Jenna:Lemon, TGS without Tracy Jordan is basically a puppet show. / You know, I'm right here.

Jenna · Liz:Did Jack say he cared about my weight? / No, he didn't even mention it. He's not noticing. No one is noticing.

Jenna:Jenna announces she's on 'the Japanese porn star diet' — she only eats paper, but she can eat all the paper she wants

Jenna:The Bradshaw Clinic — 'That's where the Olsen twins were separated.'

Liz · Jenna:The surgery brochure shows 'liposuction plus bone-shaving and organ reduction' as a package deal

Jenna:Jenna enters the restaurant and yells 'ME WANT FOOD!' — Frank's catchphrase has apparently been implemented

Liz · Jenna:Jenna performs 'Me Want Food' on television to audience laughter, but Liz realizes it's laughter at Jenna, not with her. 'They did laugh. At you, Jenna. At.'

Jenna:Jenna decides to keep the fat because 'people recognize me, and I get off on it.'

Jenna:Jenna tells Liz she's hard to take life advice from because she uses her treadmill as a hanger for a wedding dress

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'And who's wearing a one-piece swimsuit instead of underwear?' Liz: 'I have to do laundry.'

Jenna:Jenna asks if any fan mail is from prisons

Jenna:Jenna sees fan mail and exclaims: 'Oh! God! Putting on this weight is the best thing that ever happened to me. People actually like me now.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack to Jenna: 'And on a personal level, I just like you more when you're fat.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna shows Liz her belt notch progression to prove she's losing weight

Jenna:Jenna's list of what's at stake: including 'the offer to play Ms. Pac-Man in the live-action Atari movie'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna has a secret ritual with Jack where they 'slap their palms together when they walk by each other' — revealed to just be a high five

Jenna:Jenna eating: 'Coming in for a landing... there's turbulence. And now an Indian guy got up to use the bathroom and an air marshal shot him. No, no, I can't!'

Jenna:Jenna reacts to the insults with 'Oh, daddy! Go on, keep talking. What else don't you like about me?'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth's devastating insult list to Jenna — including: 'You lied about your brother drowning so people would come to your one-woman show.' / 'Your toes look like dried-up shrimps.'

Jenna:Jenna's response to Kenneth's insults: 'Oh, daddy! Go on, keep talking. What else don't you like about me?'

Jenna:Oh, my God. Who ordered the veal? Am I right, guys?

Jenna · Jamie · Jenna:I like your blond streaks. It's very Simon Le Bon. / Who? / Oh, you're young.

Jenna · Jamie · Jenna:How old do you think I am? / I don't know. 29? / Wow. You are good at guessing ages.

Jenna:Jenna glances to the side and tells us / the camera: 'I am exactly 29.'

Jenna:At night? Okay, that sounds great.

Jenna:There was a whole article about it in 'Vanity Fair.' The one with the 'Crisis in Africa' cover. God, it makes me so sad that more people don't know about cougars.

Jenna:Don't say that. Cougars have to act young. You should get a Ring Pop to suck on.

Jenna:So, you like the music? Yeah. Speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley, huh? That guy's great. Have you been to his official website?

Jenna · Jamie:Is it only 1:00 A.M.? ... So, after this, I figured we'd hit up Marquee. They only serve drinks till 4:00, but I can get us into this great club in Brooklyn.

Jenna:I'm 37! / What? / I'm 37. Please don't make me go to Brooklyn.

Jamie · Jenna · Jenna · Jamie · Jenna:I'm 20. / Oh, boy. / This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. / Are those friends of yours? / Oh, when will death come?

Jenna · Liz:That's great, Maude. How's Harold? / His name is Jamie, and you know what? I don't spend a lot of time worrying about his feelings.

Jenna:Jenna wins 'Best Actress in a Movie Based on a Musical Based on a Movie'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'I don't get that kind of treatment.' Liz: 'I don't have to treat you that way because you're the sane one. You're my rock.' Jenna: 'It is amazing how grounded I've been able to stay despite my célébrité.'

Jenna:It is amazing how grounded I've been able to stay despite my célébrité.

Jenna:Jenna says 'I can't even get a real exterminator to get that squirrel out of my dressing room.' — followed immediately by the sound of squirrel chaos

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'How could Tracy not thank me? I drag myself out of bed at 4:00 in the morning, go home, get dressed, come in here, and he doesn't even mention my name?' Liz: 'Jenna, the whole thing is fake.' Jenna: 'Yeah, but he thought it was real.'

Jenna:The squirrel reappears in Jenna's dressing room: 'Aah! The squirrel! It's not afraid of people!'

Jenna · Sacha:Jenna has acquired an entourage: 'I'm Sacha. This is Patrice and Master Alexei.' ...and then 'And your name is probably something like Melissa.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'And this award you just got? It's a cookie.' Jenna: 'Ooh, crunch!'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Oh, Liz. That's all I wanted to hear. I'll be onstage in 10.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'And I'll wait till tomorrow to talk about you firing melon-ball lady.' Liz: 'All right.' Jenna: 'Not in front of the gays.'

Jenna · Frank:Jenna recalling sitting on Frank's lap during 'Horny Santa' last year: 'That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap.' Frank replies: 'Yes. Funny.'

Mitch · Jenna:Mitch mistakes Jenna for a friend of his mother's: 'Are you, like, a friend of my mom's or something? I mean, I'll tell her you said hi.'

Jenna · Mitch:Jenna invites Mitch to 'do something together next week' — Mitch immediately: 'My parents are away next week. You should come over. I'll be in the hot tub.'

Jenna:Uh, why is this movie called 'The Hours' when it feels so much longer? They should call this thing 'The Weeks'.

Liz · Jenna:Reaction beat: Liz processes 'The Weeks' comment in silence.

Jenna · Liz:Dennis is like those off-brand Mexican Cheetos. My 'Sabor de soledad'? I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood.

Liz · Jenna:Do you know what I use my oven for? / Warming your jeans in the morning? / That's right, and it feels good.

Jenna:Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you're sleeping. Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That's love.

Liz · Jenna:If you give into it, you just start to feel kind of numb and warm, and then you just get sleepy. That's not that bad. / That's exactly what they say it's like when you freeze to death.

Jenna:That's horrible! Everyone knows the only thing we should be ashamed of is our bodies.

Jenna:Or you could open a school in Africa, like Oprah.

Liz · Jenna:No, Jenna, I did not come back from the bathroom and hand him my underwear. That's how I met that mobster.

Jenna:I know what driving the long haul's like. After my junior year at Oberlin, we road-tripped to South by Southwest. You lads got a lot of nerve.

Jenna:I'll do it, but only for the attention.

Jenna · Frank:Oh, come on, you guys. You guys do one. I've had 10 shots. You've only had five shots. No, today. I've had 10 shots today.

Tracy · Jenna · Grizz:Tracy directing the voice acting session: 'Warrior, you have defeated the snake-elf. Now join me in the orgy chamber. The poets will sing of this night.'

Tracy · Jenna · Grizz:Tracy to Jenna after stopping the session: 'Not you, Grizz. You're doing great.' while firing Jenna for bad acting

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy directing Jenna's sex sounds, then calling 'Let's take it again from the top. This time, let's record.' — revealing they weren't recording

Donny · Jenna:Donny emerges from Jenna's bag: 'Did someone say 'Donny'? No. No. Oh. It's pretty muffled in there.'

Jenna:Jenna's opening of Kenneth's essay, talking to camera about herself: 'You must have been such a pretty monkey.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna's fake talking-head promoting Kenneth includes: 'Yes. Kenneth, can you take this money to the many charities I support anonymously?' — then the envelope is empty

Jenna:Jenna's essay claims Kenneth 'can lift almost 100 pounds' as a fitness achievement

Jenna:Jenna's essay fragments: 'Mind, body, spirit? / Kenneth, I see myself in you? / So brave? / So ready? / To be all that you can do? / So beautiful in every way? / I see myself in you?'

Jenna:Jenna's essay ends with the line 'To be all that you can do?' — mangling the Army's slogan

Jenna:Jenna, having been moved by her own speech, calls after Kenneth about copier paper as he runs out: 'Oh, Kenneth, someone was looking for you. They need 12 boxes of copier paper on stage one.'

Liz · Jenna:Oh, I told you not to write back to your stalker. / Oh, no, this is not about Yolanda.

Jenna:I mean, I don't do anything for Yolanda and she sends me those headless dolls.

Jenna:I first met Liz in 1993. She was fresh out of college and I had just broken up with O.J. Simpson. And can I just say something? Total gentleman.

Jenna · Bev · Jenna · Liz:Liz is a really, really mature person and she totally deserves to get custody of her kids. / It's not a custody case. Liz is trying to adopt a child. / Then who were those kids you were yelling at the other day? / Those were some child actors who had lied about being able to breakdance.

Jenna · Jenna:This is what you're giving me as a thank you gift? Some coupons for free hugs? / I'm suing you for my share of your video game profits, Tracy.

Liz Lemon · Jenna · Claire:Liz and Jenna rattle off nostalgic Chicago memories with Claire — hydrant dancing, roof parties, karaoke in Boystown, scavenger hunts, crashing a Polish wedding — then immediately agree 'She's exhausting.'

Jenna:Jenna says 'Me-ow!' approvingly, then clarifies 'Mi Au' is the name of the Chinese businesswoman.

Jenna · Liz:Liz assumes the urgent news is about someone's brother being hurt; the actual urgent news is about a Janis Joplin biopic

Jenna:'O-M-G-, Liz. Look at you and me and our biological clocks. You're going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'I'm not baby crazy.' [sees a tiny lost shoe on the ground] 'Where did you get that little shoe?' / 'It isn't stealing if it fell on the ground.'

Jenna:Jenna bursts into Jack's office in full Janis Joplin costume, then immediately has an identity crisis mid-sentence: 'And I want to audition for my Sheinhardt-Universal biopic so bad that I came here dressed as me. Well, actually... I am me. So... Well, I dressed normal. But my friend, Jenna Maroney... She should be my understudy. I mean, she should audition for me. But I'm me, now, actually.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Yes! I am so glad that I time-traveled here from 1969. Whoa! What is that iron bird?' / Liz: 'They had airplanes in the '60s, Jenna.'

Jenna · Liz:'Take a lesson from Janis and show some self-control.' / 'How far into that biography are you?' / 'Not very. Why? What happens?'

Jenna · News Anchor:Jenna's pompous speech is interrupted by breaking news: Julia Roberts has already been cast in the Janis Joplin biopic, directed by Scorsese, with the film attributed to 'Steven Spielberger'

Jenna:'Here's Maroney on a windy day.' — news broadcast cuts to humiliating footage of Jenna in the wind

Jenna · Jack:Jenna, asked if we need a 'mythical soul mate to hold our hand through life': 'Why? Do you want to get married? I'll do it.'

Jenna:Liz tells Jack about the Brooklyn Bridge plan from 'Sex and the City' movie; Jenna immediately responds: 'And that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in... A Blaffair to Rememblack.'

Jenna:And that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in... 'A Blaffair to Rememblack'.

Jack · Jenna:Jack admits they don't have the music rights either, so Jenna is singing a song he wrote himself five minutes ago: '# Break another little chunk of my love now, mister?'

Jenna:Closing performance: Jenna sings 'Chunk of my lung... chunk of my lung... take a big old chunk of my lung now, baby'

Liz · Tracy · Jenna:What is wrong with it? Is that a beak? / Yes! / No. / Yes!

Liz · crew member · Jenna:Fight the powers that be! / That's right! / This makes me want to 'shoop'! / 'Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop!'

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:We decided we'd get them all hot soup. So, go do that. / All the other pages have gone home sick. I can't make any runs right now. Maybe... the two of you could go get the soup?

Jenna · Tracy:Without the crew, we'd just be two amazing people succeeding in a vacuum. / Come on. Do it for them. / Yeah. For the crew. / Because it's their birthday.

Tracy · Jenna:Okay, we forgot about that. But we have a good reason. Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. / Nope. We forgot about that too. We went out shopping together. We had fun, though.

Tracy · Jenna:Okay, we forgot about that. But we have a good reason. Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. Nope. We forgot about that too. We went out shopping together. We had fun, though.

Jenna:Yeah. I tried on a lot of outfits. And some of them, I was like, 'No.' But then, some of them, I was like, 'Yeah!'

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy. I've got it! / Give it to me! It's mine!

Jenna · Tracy:They don't need soup. They need medicine. And what's the best medicine? / Medicine? / Laughter.

Tracy · Jenna · crew:Really? Do you really think this is helping? [reaction from sick crew watching Tracy and Jenna perform] / Hey! Leave her alone! Yeah! / What? Why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz!

Liz · Jenna:Liz performs the improv scene: audience suggestion is 'Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.' Liz as Sling Blade says 'I sure do like them French-fried pataters.'

Jenna:Jenna, playing Oprah, responds to Sling Blade's line: 'No, you don't, Oprah.' — which is the wrong character.

Frank · Jenna:A writer asks if Jenna's movie is 'one where you swap brains with your granddaughter.'

Jenna:Jenna says depending on how 'some legal matters pan out,' her character may be named 'Janet Jopler' or 'Janie Jimplin.'

Jenna:Jenna says she'll employ the 'Method method of acting' and will only respond to 'Janis' or 'Miss Joplin.' Then adds: 'If you're nasty.'

Writers · Jenna:Writers' rapid-fire insults at Jenna before she becomes Janis: 'Your hands are weird.' 'I don't think you went to high school.' 'I'm not busy Friday.' 'I just said I was.'

Frank · Jenna:Frank suggests Jenna do her Janis Joplin research on Wikipedia, noting 'It's online, so anyone can update it' — because people are 'finding out new things about Janis Joplin every day.'

Jenna:Jenna reads from the Wikipedia page she's been pranked with: 'Did you know that Janis Joplin speed-walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?'

Jenna:Jenna (as 'Janis') enters the writers' room in full Joplin garb, asking for cherry juice, buttermilk and tequila to make her signature cocktail, 'The Frankschlong.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete addresses Jenna as 'Miss Jimplin' — casually accepting her Method persona

Frank · Pete · Jenna:Frank tells Pete: 'Your Wikipedia prank is inspired.' But then we see Jenna preparing to eat a cat.

Jenna:Jenna, in Method mode, prepares to eat a cat: 'I'm gonna do it. I'm going to eat this cat.'

Jenna · Frank:Frank confesses he put fake stuff on Wikipedia. Jenna's outrage: 'This is my chance to win an Oscar. The Academy loves dead singers and the handicapped, and Janis was both!'

Jenna:'What? I speed-walked home on these!' — Jenna, realizing she speed-walked home based on false Wikipedia information.

Jenna:Jenna: 'No, last night was the best thing that's ever happened to you. It was my mistake, not yours. I'm the one who had to take the Silkwood shower this morning.'

Jenna:Jenna attempts to speak Yoda syntax: 'You... the one who cool should be!'

Jenna:Jenna publicly announces in the writers' room that she and Frank hooked up — 'I slutted it up on this dirt bag' — and declares it 'a victory for hot women everywhere.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'This is a victory for hot women everywhere' — after admitting hooking up with Frank was 'disgusting'

Jenna:'Now Dog the Bounty Hunter is the second-grossest guy I've been with.'

Katie · Euzebia · Jenna · Frank:A second writer reveals she's been secretly dating Frank, attacking Jenna: 'You stay away from my Frank!' followed by multiple other women appearing with the same claim.

Jenna:How could you cut 'Diaper Chicken'?

Pete · Jenna:Oh, brother. She's feeling neglected. How's she going to act out this time? My ankle!

Jenna:My birthday's September 21st. Not that anyone asked.

Jenna:Oh! That's horrible. My heart goes out to all the inner city kids. Especially those too fat to dance their way out.

Kenneth · Jenna:I'm glad you feel that way. Because we have this big party planned for you. I know! And we thought you could share it with Mr. Jordan! [pause] Isn't that a great idea? [pause] That's so great!

Jenna:What a schmo, entering first. Now, I'm the headliner, and he's just the warm-up act. I'm Mr. Don Rickles and he's just me.

Tracy · Jenna:And to think I was just calling y'all a bunch of racists. Aw... Stop... Jenna time.

Jenna · Frank:Jenna time. / Friends. I am leaving T.G.S. for Columbia Law School—

Jenna · Kenneth:Oh. Ow. Cerie! Cerie! / No one ask me about my back brace. / Make a wish, Mr. Jordan. Blow out the candles. / No one ask about my back brace!

Jenna:Don't even ask about the wheelchair. Okay. Also, my old vocal coach died! Come on, come on...

Kenneth · Jenna:Oh my! Miss Maroney, are you okay? Well, I think I'll be okay in time for tomorrow's show. But then, I have to go in for more tests. I'm so brave.

Jenna:But it wasn't his birthday! It was my birthday! Oh, forget it. I'm tired of making you people try to care for me. You don't care for me, clearly. Nobody does.

Tracy · Jenna:My birthday wish came true! I wished for you to get better. I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with RoboCop while that elephant paints us. We were close.

Tracy · Jenna:Now, let's make Miss Maroney's birthday wish come true! Oh, that's so sweet. But who would I celebrate with if y'all were in a car accident?

Jenna:I'm her friend. Jenna. And she does not want to see you. She's very mad, and she wants you to leave.

Jenna:# Synonym's just another word for the word you want to use...?

Jenna:Wake up, mother --

Jenna:I feel I should be rewarded for going this long without swearing on live TV.

Jenna · Liz:We could cut the lesbian scene. But the Oscars love that kind of thing.

Jenna:I choose the movie. My face is bigger on movies.

Dr. Vicki · Jenna:Hey. Is your vision steadily narrowing down to a pinpoint as if a darkness is closing in on you? / No, ma'am!

Liz · Jenna:Which one of you is Jenna? / No. / Go to sleep! Sleep, Jenna! Sleep! It's for your own good! Don't fight me! Sleep or die!

Jenna:Actor announcement. As you probably know, especially if you read page six... of my publicist's e-mails...

Jenna:Well, because, Kenneth, I am a selfless person who can't get arrested in this town.

Jenna:I don't even know what you're referring to and that was two years ago.

Jenna · Writer:Before 'The Rachel,' Jennifer Aniston was just a chunky nobody who couldn't get a job. Wasn't she already on Friends?

Jenna:Richard Esposito, move to the back.

Jenna:I could end up like Keri Russell, Felicity, season two.

Jenna · Writers:Everyone shout out words that describe my beauty. Fading. '80s. 1880s.

Liz · Jenna:I just hope it's not a mistake. Well, maybe it is, but you have to listen to your heart. Yeah, but, why meddle with something that was great? Oh, Liz. It'll grow back. What? We're talking about my hair, right?

Jenna:Thank you, Meredith. But, please... I'm not a hero.

Jenna:Oh, no, Locks of Love turned me down. They said my hair was too processed for a sick person to wear. But this is for a wonderful charity called Merkins of Hope.

Meredith Vieira · Jenna:So what about that crazy news that Tracy Jordan has quit T.G.S.? [Jenna:] What? Oh, yeah. Word is he quit over a contract dispute. Guess you're the only star left on that show! [Jenna:] No! No, stop! Stop cutting my hair! I don't need this anymore!

Jenna · Dennis:Dennis calls Jenna on Liz's phone; Jenna, answering Liz's phone, pretends to be Liz and does a British accent

Dennis · Jenna:Dennis: 'You know, I was the love of Liz's life.' Jenna (as Liz): 'I'm not sure you were.' Dennis: 'Oh, no. I totally was. Peace.'

Jenna:Liz: 'The reason I have some English inflection in my speech is because I lost my virginity to the My Fair Lady soundtrack.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Dennis and I were in a very emotional place because of Hurricane Katrina.' Liz: 'What those people were doing to the Superdome?'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'Let's go give him a piece of our mind.' Jenna: 'Let's stab him.' Liz: 'Yeah, your thing.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'You had gone on that over-30 Outward Bound trip to Arizona, and you had asked me to house sit. Well, Dennis came over. And, as I mentioned, we were both pretty torn up about Hurricane Katrina. What those people were doing to the Superdome?'

Dennis · Jenna:Dennis: 'Alright, fine. I'm ranking you now. Hey, blondie — you're number one.' Jenna: 'I don't care!' Jenna (aside): 'Thank you, Dennis.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I felt so jacked up on the way home that I threw a brick through the window of a Banana Republic.'

Jenna:Jenna (on crutches): 'These crutches are real, everyone. Liz tried to kill me.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'You're no longer my plus one to the Canadian Grammys.'

Jenna:Jenna reveals Liz's past: 'When we were living in Chicago and Liz was still trying to be an actress, the only job she ever booked was for a local phone sex line.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'It was a chat line for urban singles. And they only hired her because their first choice was deported.'

Jenna:'21 hours a day. What is this?' — The commercial runs only 21 hours a day

Jenna:Jenna: 'Jack, I did not hit that Asian page. I was just swinging my arm and she walked into me. Twice.'

Jenna:Wait. We can call her Janis Joplin? We got the life rights? It's not Janie Jimplin anymore?

Jenna · Jack:Jenna: 'Oh, okay. So what's the good news?' Jack: 'I didn't say there was any.'

Jenna:Jenna sings a fragment: 'someday there will be a black president' as her Woodstock performance.

Jenna:Jenna: 'Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a wrdne. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.'

Jenna:I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symoné for one day. But she knows what she did.

Jenna:Jenna: 'I'll set aside my feud with Raven Simone for one day. But she knows what she did.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I'm prepared to do a nipple slip if you need it.'

Jenna · Reporter:Reporter asks Jenna: 'Whose mom are you?' Jenna replies: 'Thank you.'

Jenna:Jenna is upstaged mid-sentence by a child shouting 'Dora the Explorer's backpack!' at the Kids' Choice Awards.

Jenna:Jenna: 'First a backpack upstages me, then the paparazzi kept calling me Dina Lohan, and now the Cyrus family has decided to rock a bunch of funky hats.'

Jenna:The Kids' Choice Awards memorial segment for 'those we lost in the kid entertainment industry' — and Jenna's face appears.

Jenna · Connor:Was that me? Did they just say I'm dead? / I thought you spoke to the producers.

Jack · Jenna:Jack: 'I want to Tupac you.' Jenna: 'Fine. But I have to pee first.' Jack: 'No, no, no — Tupac Shakur, the rapper.'

Jack · Jenna:Jenna on the Tupac marketing strategy: 'Die young, become a legend. Just like Janis. Or Rusty, the bear from the Magicals.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.'

Jenna:Jenna, watching her own tribute: 'It has the year I was born on it. The real year. Not the actress year.'

Jenna:Jack: 'It's too late to change it, Jack.' — Jenna says this, not Jack.

Jenna:Jenna: 'Still alive. Not yet 32. Sorry, Jack. Worth it.'

Jenna:'You're a big fan of mine and you're not gay? Not even bi-curious?'

Jenna's fan · Jenna:'I've got all your albums even the one you did with Phil Spector. I still think that would have sold much better if he had shot me in the face.'

Jenna's fan · Jenna:Fan: 'Well, I'm glad you didn't get shot in the face.' / Jenna: 'Thank you.' / Fan: 'But if you had, I would have liked to have gotten that call. That would have been nice.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Breaking news: Jenna's animal rescue shelter is allegedly supplying quesadilla meat to amusement parks

Jenna:'I called 911. They wouldn't even connect me to their celebrity service.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete tells Jenna the psychiatrist's 'sociopath test' — a woman kills her father to see a man again at his funeral — as if it's advice

Jenna · Pete:'Thanks for the advice!' / 'No, no, no, that wasn't advice. But of course, she'd also have to kill her father's doorman and anyone else who might have seen her. And you, for giving her the idea in the first place.'

Jenna:'Like on a sheik's pleasure yacht. Thank you.'

Kenneth · EMTs · Jenna:Kenneth goes into 'acute strawberry shock' and the EMTs threaten to cut off his hands and he'll 'have to learn how to urinate with his feet'

Jenna:Jenna's confession: 'I'm just a girl... standing in front of a boy she poisoned so this other boy would go to town on her.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna poisoned Kenneth because she thought the paramedic was 'The One' — completing the episode title theme

Jenna:'It hurts more than my foot Botox to know that he's out there and I have no way to find him.'

Jenna · Paramedic:'Earn... this.' — Jenna's paramedic appears while she's in crisis

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna: 'I had an amazing date last night and it's all thanks to Kenneth.' / Kenneth: 'Oh, it was nothing. Sure, I was legally dead for five minutes but I did it for true love.'

Jenna · Kenneth:The paramedic has sole custody of a five-year-old son, so Jenna's interest ends — 'Wait a minute, you were dead?' as her response to Kenneth's clinical death revelation

Jenna:Jenna announces Brett Michaels likes 'Dealbreaker' and wants to come on the show wearing the same outfit and do it with her. She says it was also used on SportsCenter: 'The Rangers are playing violently — that's a dealbreaker, ladies.'

Jenna · Liz · Jack:Jenna claims the Dealbreaker phrase is 'ours,' Liz corrects her that she wrote it for Jenna. Jenna: 'Right, it's ours — that's what I meant.' Jack: 'There's a reason you're the writer.'

Liz · Kenneth · Jenna:Liz: 'Jenna has a Time Out shoot — why do they want her?' Kenneth: 'No reason.' 'They're naming her Most Amusing Woman in New York.' Liz: 'What time do they want me there to make her look funny?'

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'I know you're upset, but Jenna fully acknowledges that you co-wrote the Dealbreaker bits.' Jenna: 'Yes, we wrote it together — she texted her gay friends while I stayed up until 4am eating raisin bran dry to stay awake — and by the way, that's how I can ride the fart train to work every day.'

Jenna · Jack · Liz:Jenna tears her blouse at the photo shoot; Jack's reaction: 'Oh my god.' Jack says she looks beautiful. Jenna: 'I'll go get some tape.' Jack: 'Oh my God, Liz.'

Jenna · Liz · Photographer:The photographer: 'Now pick up the chicken, Jenna. Good try.' Liz is photographed holding a chicken over a toilet. The photographer: 'Amazing! Great!'

Jenna · Photographer:Photographer to Jenna: 'Flap your arms like a chicken laying an egg.' Photographer: 'Amazing! Great!'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna sees the Time Out cover: a photo of Liz giving birth to a chicken over a toilet. 'Oh my God.' Liz: 'They chose the photo of me birthing a chicken over a toilet. Why didn't you listen to me?' Jenna: 'Because I thought you were trying to cut me out of the magazine.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Why didn't you listen to me?' Liz: 'Because I thought you were trying to keep me out of the magazine.' Jenna: 'I was trying to prevent us BOTH from being embarrassed.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'My photo is on the cover.' Jenna: 'And these are the outtakes.' Jenna's cover photo is also embarrassing — presumably Jenna doing something equally absurd.

Jenna · Liz · Pete:What are you two lovebirds whispering about? Nothing. Uterus nothing.

Jenna · Pete · Liz:I thought you were leaving 10 minutes ago of me. Oh, well, we're going two separate places. So it's not weird. No, nothing is ever weird now.

Jack · Jenna:Do you know the song 'Are You Ready For Some Football?' Do I? That's what my phone plays whenever Ray Lewis calls me.

Jenna:I came in here to shoot these tennis promos, and they had blue gels on the lights. You know that makes my teeth look see through.

Jenna:Jack is hiring a new cast member. If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!

Jenna:♪ So put down your meth and slip on your whites / 'Cause here in real America, it's tennis night ♪

Jenna:♪ Got my lawn chair in my trunk, not an ocean in sight / So kiss my ass, New York, 'cause it's tennis night ♪

Jenna:We did a play together 20 years ago, and we were best friends. Until he betrayed me.

Jenna:I'm getting that hot feeling in my head.

Jenna:I'm not saying I want to audition, but Nicky Motorulo from Scotch Plains, New Jersey might be interested. 'Ey, fuhgeddaboutit.

Jenna · Tracy:He's evil, Tracy. — He's evil Tracy? Oh, he's evil 'comma' Tracy. Go on.

Jenna:Think again, Liz. The Hornberger System will de-vail. Is that the opposite of prevail?

Jenna:I'm gonna walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you've already met. 'Nice to meet you.'

Jenna · Jayden:Hello, I'm Jenna Maroney. — Oh, hi, I'm Jayden, nice to meet you. — HOW DARE YOU PRETEND YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME! I'M THE ONE WHO DOESN'T REMEMBER YOU!

Jenna:Danny: 'He looks like all the guys in my magazines.' (Said about the new cast member, revealing something about Jenna's taste)

Jenna:Jenna: 'So what if Kenneth's bitter? He's an underhuman.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Scottie Shofar was my assistant on Trivial Pursuit: The Movie. I was horrible to him. And now he's actually successful? What if I got called in to audition for him and he recognized me, even with all the changes to my face? That have happened naturally.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Because the future is like a Japanese game show — you have no idea what's going on.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth tells Jenna her Mexican diet pills arrived and offers to test them first. Jenna: 'No, Kenneth. I'll do it myself. You don't have to do anything for me anymore. Ever.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'That was aboot the coolest thing I've ever seen.' [having watched Kenneth's coaching session]

Jenna:But next thing I know you're gonna be telling me you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Danny · Jenna:I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding? Yes. Because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.

Jenna · Liz:Did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room and punch me in the throat? No. He's bigger than you said.

Jenna:I got them this. The program from this year's Asian Women in Television Awards. Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize. A flip video. Wait, hang on, I didn't know this was in here.

Jenna:Sometimes my mom would take us to see Santa Claus, but that's just because she suspected one of them was my deadbeat dad. So I'd have to get on every Santa's lap in the Bakersfield area and scream, 'You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Travis!'

Jenna:And then I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.

Jenna:i play tartine gramercy, an heiress to a vermouth fortune and a freshman at nyu.

Jenna:would a mother be planning a sex tour of vietnam this spring?

Jenna · Liz Lemon:hang on. i'm just tweeting that i ran into you. this is so tandem. / 'random,' jenna. Those kids are saying the word 'random.'

Jenna:But what does it say about me if he's moved on? Maybe to one of my peers, like Julia Roberts.

Jenna:Can't talk, Liz. I just got my stalker's work address from his parole officer, and I'm going to confront him about why he's ignoring me.

Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / I don't know what you're talking about. / Happy Valentine's Day.

Liz · Jenna:Liz finds 'Future Husband' in her contacts and has zero memory of how it got there

Jenna:Jenna's motto: 'Everything always works out for the best'

Jenna:Jenna throws her wallet out the window to demonstrate that 'everything always works out' — then looks confused when asked how that demonstrates anything

Jenna:Jenna slept in the office and was visited by 'two little twin girls who told me they wanted to play with me forever'

Jenna:Jenna sees a rave review about Tracy and dismisses the pun 'Claps-Giving Yay Harade' — 'It's as if Claps-Giving Yay Harade has lost all meaning'

Jenna:Jenna explains she knows Tony rules because she's petitioning for a category: 'Living Theatrically in Normal Life'

Jenna:Jenna suggests Tracy find another T for his necklace — 'Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement?'

Jenna:Jenna: 'If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna refuses to help Tracy — then when Kenneth says it would take 'the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen' — she immediately says 'Fine, I'll do it!'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's acting lesson begins: she says 'Acting is about consistency and control' — Tracy immediately says 'Got it, no farting'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's elocution exercise: 'Repeat after me.' Tracy says: 'After me.' Jenna: 'No, Tracy.' Tracy: 'No, stop it, not this part.'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's elocution tongue-twister: 'To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock...' — Tracy immediately destroys it: 'To sit in darkness in a sharp, shock shop in darkness in sitting in sharp.'

Jenna:Jenna reveals her first acting job was as 'Baby Stuck in Well' in a commercial for 'Well Guards' — tagline: 'Guard your well... well.'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy's second one-man show ends to thunderous applause: 'Bravo! It's a triumph!'

Jenna:I saw some women came forward to say you didn't have sex with them.

Jenna:I wish I could help you, but I can't sleep with a black guy. I'd lose my endorsement deal with NASCAR.

Liz · Jenna:He owns a cockatiel named Arliss. / Oh, God.

Liz · Jenna:Guess who called me? / The boob job recall center?

Jenna · Liz:Liz, last night I had a very graphic dream about Kenneth. / What? Ugh! / I know. It's disgusting.

Jenna:This one was so graphic. Kenneth and I were married and living in Indianapolis. We had kids. What kind of sick mind dreams that? It was disgusting!

Jenna:What would you like for dinner, Mr. Jordan — barbecue or me?

Tracy · Jenna:How do I know this isn't a dream? / Wait a minute. All my teeth are loose, so we're good. It's real.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth (dream version):Tracy and Jenna in their dreamscape — attempting to attack a dream-Kenneth, who is portrayed as a supernatural figure they're trying to kill Elm Street-style.

Jenna · Pete:Uh, controlling our dreams? We can explain, Pete. / Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. I haven't even had my first cup of wine today.

Pete · Tracy · Jenna:I've had enough of both of you. Your bad behavior stops now! / Absolutely, sir. We promise. / And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank-you song.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / Oh, I'll show you how to thank me.

Liz · Jenna:'I yelled at him about a rule violation.' / 'Oh...' / 'His foot was over the line.'

Jenna:'I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder's Wingman, Inc.'

Liz · Jenna · Jerem:Line dancing class: instructor asks 'Are we expecting more men?' and the only man is Jerem, who announces 'I'm Jerem! I collect posters.' Instructor: 'Look at me, Jerem. I know all the steps.' / Jerem: 'Kind of.'

Jenna · Lutz:Jenna: 'So maybe your problem is that you're finally being treated like everybody else.' / Lutz: 'So what? Look at Italians. We're always portrayed either as goombahs or guidos, but we don't care because we're successful members of society.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'There are little blonde girls in this country who have no idea they can be beautiful. That's why I started "Jenna's Kids." It's a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls how to be mean.'

Liz · Jenna · Man:The man corrects Jenna: 'they weren't marines. Some of them were former marines, but they were mercenaries working for a space mining company.' Jenna: '...' Man leaves.

Jenna:Jenna: 'What are you doing? I was warming him up for you, and you start talking about space mining?'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Hey, I'm no relationship expert. The last time I used a birth control device, it was the '70s, and it looked like soap on a rope.'

Jenna:Jenna to Jerem at the event: 'Jerem, look how drunk I am, and how full of cheese my mouth is!'

Jenna:I'm going to be in Spanx for 12 hours. My elastic line is going to get infected again.

Jenna:I could set you up with my trainer. He's gay. But not when he's drunk.

Jenna:Sexual time travel, just like my Cinemax softcore Emmanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land.

Jenna:Meet me in the handicapped stall in 10 seconds.

Jenna:Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when a girl dates a straight man who impersonates her on stage for mostly gay audiences, she has certain expectations. Fidelity, Paul. It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.

Jenna:Naturally, I blew it. Now I'm alone in a dashiki. I wonder what that Somali pirate's deal is. I could live on a boat.

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Yeah. Let's go lez. / No, I meant, like, a book club or something. Jeez.

Jenna:You have a lot of taped-up balls to come here dressed like that.

Paul · Jenna:I'm the man here, and you're gonna respect me. / Yes, shma'am.

Jenna:Am I late for the producers meeting? [Eye contact beat]

Jenna · Jack · Liz:Eye contact. [Jenna insists; Jack and Liz comply]

Jenna:Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show!

Jenna · Liz · Pete:You should fire grace from wardrobe. She doesn't do anything. Fire grace? Come on, you'd have to be a heartless monster... I'll do it.

Liz · Pete · Jenna:I was looking it over, and I've realized something. There's one too many producers, Pete. Okay, I get it. But please... I have five kids. That I don't want to be at home with. No, Pete, it's me.

Jenna:Hmm, the last time I said that, I was in a three-way with two of the Backstreet Boys.

Jenna:But it's because I'm a genius producer I know that you have to fire me. Take my producing fee and amortize it to cover the gaps in transport and electric.

Jenna:Good night, TGS band, with your funny-smelling dressing room.

Jenna:Well, Kenneth, it's over. I got made at Carvel. They figured out our scam and gave me this.

Jenna · Kenneth:Kenneth, we've got a new con. We're gonna go down to Florida, open a medical supply store, then get Social Security numbers... Through seduction!

Jenna:Jenna hears Tracy might be dead and says 'Fine, I'll sing at his funeral.'

Jenna:Typical liberal media. They do? Well, then I need to see mine. If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest, that would be great because my arms looked fantastic.

Jenna:I played arts and literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.

Jenna:Kim Jong-il? I never heard of her.

Jack · Jenna:I never thought of you for the Donaghy mentoring experience, but you are an unceasing onslaught of dysfunction. / Dr. Drew called me 'unfixable.'

Jack · Jenna:Then I'm afraid you're on your own, Jenna. You have failed the test of intelligence. / Oh, really? Well, so are you!

Jenna:Jenna's obituary: 'Jenna Maroney, dead at... 32.' (she's clearly not 32)

Jenna:Jenna Maroney just saved the hero cat! That makes me a double hero! Try to deny me my obit now, you jags!

Jenna:And tell people in lieu of flowers, they can pour jewels into my open coffin.

Jenna:I'm very injured.

Jenna:It's huge with all the young people. I mean... all the us.

Liz Lemon · Jenna:Why are there straightjackets everywhere? Because before this was a clothing store, it was a mental hospital. It's winky and fun, Liz.

Jenna:I swear to Kaballah monster.

Jenna:Boy on the bottom, girl on the top.

Jenna:O.M. God, those jeans are zing!

Tracy · Jenna · Liz Lemon:Now we both have amazing butts. Make that all three of us. Jenna, a word. Specifically, the word 'talking.'

Jenna:I talked about your movie with my therapist last week for 20 hours.

Jenna:My exercise video is dropping soon. It's called Jenna Gets Hard.

Tracy · Jenna:I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong? You're asking me?

Jenna · Kenneth:Kenneth is our human Sushi platter, and I'm doing a dry run so everything will be perfect... For my friend Tracy.

Jenna:If they could be bribed, I would have won a Golden Globe for my lifetime original movie 'Sister, Can You Spare a Breast?' So you've tried this before? And they were so offended, they banned me for life.

Jenna:Just like I did to my niece when she tried to sing at our family's Christmas party.

Liz Lemon · Jenna:I don't know which of you to be more disappointed in. Me, silly. I'm more aware of what I'm doing.

Jenna:A special voters-only screening of Hard to Watch, based on the book Stone Cold Bummer, by Manipulate.

Jenna:That movie gave me drunk-in-the-bathtub face.

Jenna:And when you do, I'll be furious. Like waking up next to Rob Schneider furious.

Jenna:Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's apple.

Jenna · Tracy · Liz:Wow, I would experiment with that girl. — Too small. — That's me for two weeks in college.

Jenna · Toofer · Tracy:I'm the hot blonde. / And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome. / And you're the R.A.

Jenna:This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks. No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all. And when we graduated a week later...

Jenna:Liz, we're pranking Pete, and it's going too far. Please stop us.

Jenna · Liz:Come on, we were just pranking Pete! How long do we have to do this? — You wanted college to go on forever? You got it.

Paul · Jenna:Paul and Jenna immediately declare 'And... finished.' right after Liz walks in on their 'mirroring.'

Jenna:'My new manager is making us wear name tags. I might as well be working at a roller-skating drag-queen restaurant under Taliban rule!'

Liz · Jenna:Liz assumes Jenna is excited about a marriage proposal; Jenna reveals she means Paul will propose they make a sex tape.

Jenna:'No, relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.'

Jenna:'We are not sharks. We are legless turtles rotting on the beach.'

Paul · Jenna:Paul proposes Jenna meet his parents over Christmas. She reacts with horror.

Jenna:'Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's the man's job.' — Jenna, about proposing a sex tape.

Jenna · Danny · Kenneth:It's like we're married! / Now, don't you two start bickering like old married folks!

Jenna · Danny:It's just... I got a haircut, and you didn't even notice. / Sorry, you get your hair cut every week.

Danny · Jenna:Excuse me? / I don't like your tone. / And I don't like what you've turned into! / I'm not the one who forgot our one-minute anniversary!

Jenna:It's tacky, Danny, just like your mother's stupid chain e-mails.

Jenna · Danny:Idiot, don't touch the... Nothing. Love you.

Kenneth · Danny · Jenna:Look, I made this picture of us! / Did you draw that? / You might need help. That's awful for an adult.

Jenna · Danny · Kenneth:Careful! / Don't coddle the boy. He can do it. / [Kenneth falls] Oh, my bones!

Jenna · Danny:Now look what you did! / You made him afraid! / Did I also make you half a man? / You're ruining my life! / What life?

Danny · Jenna · Kenneth:But you're my Danny and Jenna. / And we'll always be Danny and Jenna. We just won't be Danny and Jenna together. / And don't think for one second this means we love you less. / Know that it means that.

Frank · Toofer · Jenna:Writers competing to impress Lutz — 'Lutz is the best. / Nice feet, Lutz. / I like Lutz the most.'

Jack · Jenna:Jenna, get all of your crazy yelling out of your system. 'If you don't volumize my hair, I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!'

Tracy · Jenna:So... which one of us is going to get this computer? Just kidding. We both are!

Tracy · Jenna:When we met four years ago, we were fighting about the silliest things... Dressing rooms, air time, you coming in and ruining my show... You taking my nephew's virginity.

Tracy · Jenna:There's only one. You take it. I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.

Jenna:Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?

Jenna:Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!

Liz · Tracy · Jenna:Problem solved. Now no one gets it. Aw, man...

Jenna · Tracy:No, Tracy, she lied to us. And she ordered us around like we were a couple of normals. You will be punished. Can I have my nunchucks back?

Liz · Jenna:Liz arrives with a cat, a fanny pack, and a chip-clip ponytail — Jenna catalogs each item as evidence of giving up

Jenna:Jenna: "Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway."

Jenna:"Now, when I'm rebounding, I like to do it with an NBA player, because it's fun wordplay and they're mean."

Jenna:"I didn't give up when Eric Roberts abandoned me in the desert, and I won't now. No judgment, Liz. Mr. Roberts thought I was dead."

Pete · Liz · Jenna:Pete and Liz are discovered rehearsing their song 'It's Never Too Late For Now' in the studio

Jenna:"It's a trick I developed to catch people talking about me behind my back. Did you know everyone thinks I'm insane?"

Jenna:"This isn't Eric Roberts' tepee." — Jenna reassuring Liz she can leave if she doesn't like the club

Liz · Jenna:The club is named 'Canal Yards Project' — Liz immediately objects and calls it 'hipster nonsense'

Jenna:"Oh, way to go, Liz! Attagirl! Walk of shame! You bow-legged bitch!"

Liz · Jenna:"And who here has access to Donna's food?" — Liz turns to Jenna, who is clearly guilty

Liz · Jenna:Jenna protests 'Liz, I wouldn't...' — then Liz produces the sealed ibuprofen bottle

Jenna:Jenna's bar fight revealed — she is shown fighting a man and getting hit by what appears to be a bird on a roller coaster

Anders · Jenna · Jack:It's white wine, ice cubes, and sprite. / She calls it... Funky juice. / I don't know if I want to do this.

Jenna:My publicist just called from rehab. I made the internet.

Jenna:Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

Jenna:"Comedy's freshest female voice." Take that, Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's 'TGS' clips: Amelia Earhart / period / questions / period / nuke England — all ending with 'Oh, no. My period!'

Jenna:Oh, my period! / You're all fired!

Jenna:She's being hot and doing baby talk? I invented that. Summer of '98, I took it to a whole new level.

Jenna:There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.

Jenna:I'll start by spreading a destructive rumor about her like the famous one I made up about Jamie Lee Curtis. That she has two butts.

Jenna:I knew her boobs were fake. And that baby voice is fake too. You know, as someone who speaks very naturally, I'm offended.

Jenna:Abby used to be a strong, smart, beautiful woman. Why did she transform herself into that baby hooker? / Oh. Children's book idea: Baby hooker. Don't tell Liz.

Abby · Jenna:I was hiding from a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping with the Enemy. / I was cut out of that.

Abby · Jenna:You must really hate women, Liz. / Liz Lemon is a Judas to all womankind!

Jenna:You must really hate women, Liz. Liz Lemon is a Judas to all womankind!

Liz · Jenna:No, we're not writing a tearful admission about you being a call girl in Delaware.

Jenna:For your information, I am a Christian illiterate, so that's not an option.

Jenna:Liz, I'm so mad at you for that thing you did.

Jenna:Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera and maybe also promote my new lifestyle web site: Jennas-side.com? Of course not.

Jenna:I'm not hearing it, Liz.

Jenna:No. I don't need any help. I am in denial about my disease. And I don't know what would change that.

Jenna:Drunk actor brainstorm. I'm going to make Pete host an intervention for me.

Jenna:It'll be all about Jenna. Drama. Crying. The beauty of redemption. Perhaps a song.

Pete (letter) · Jenna:'Miss Maroney, your addiction has negatively affected me in the following ways. Number one, I was so worried, I forgot to write the rest of this letter.' Thank you.

Jenna:Well, of course, 'cause that's how interventions end. And I can't back out now otherwise they can't use any of this.

Jenna:I explained to Charles that I was just pretending to be an alcoholic to get on camera. And we laughed. And he said I can drink as much as I want. So cheers to good friends.

Jenna · Jack:You'll never get me Charles. / That was the chair, because I only pass gas once a year for an hour.

Jenna:No, I meant my JennaBabies and I will get through this. I've been selling these on QVC for years. It's my Plan B.

Jenna:This is Asian JennaBaby. Excuse me, G.I., do you miss your girlfriend? I'm good at math. So it's not offensive.

Jenna:Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking.

Jenna:The JennaBabies dolls that I've been selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently, they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico.

Jenna:It's called 'Take My Hand.' It's kind of an artsy character study about a young woman who has a lot of holes drilled into her head by a deranged veterinarian named Slaughterface.

Frank · Jenna:Oh, so you're doing a torture porn thing, like 'Saw'? Exactly. In fact, the producers of this movie rented 'Saw' and watched it.

Jenna:On an unrelated matter, does anyone know where I can get intimate bleaching done in Stamford, Connecticut?

Jenna · Pete:I'm leaving to do a movie, Pete. What? No, you can't do that! That's what your wife told me in the shower this morning.

Jenna · Shawn:'If you're a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface will kill you.' — But there's a positive message at the end of it.

Jenna · Jack:Jack, can we talk, one ten to another? I'm an eleven, but continue.

Jenna:No. Reese Witherspoon is just a likeable version of me.

Jenna · Jack:Okay, we just need to hire some of those ugly people who have the paper and change the shapes on it. — Writers? No. We'll do the work ourselves.

Jenna · Jack:I'll get a computer from one of the ugly people. And I'll bring the world's greatest encyclopedia, my mind.

Jack · Jenna:Did you know that Connecticut is home to the oldest public library in the United States? — Huh. Could you use that to motivate Slaughterface sewing the sheriff's mouth to his own anus?

Jenna:Should 'Vaginatorium' be capitalized?

Jenna · Phil Rosenthal:I never heard back about my audition for Everybody Loves Raymond. I'd wondered if you'd made a decision. — Yeah, 15 years ago. We went with Doris Roberts. But thank you for tying your headshot around a brick and throwing it through my window.

Liz · Jenna:Liz mistakes Tracy's urine for soda left behind in his apartment

Jenna:Jenna claims The Secret caused Gwyneth Paltrow to sing flat at the Oscars: 'I visualized all of that.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna mishears 'taking action' as a reference to the drug 'Action': 'It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz notices she has a Post-it on her sweater — implying she's so disorganized she's been walking around with a reminder note stuck to herself

Jenna:Jenna demonstrates her Secret-powered Spanish fluency by threatening her housekeeper: 'Rosa, I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh, wait. I found my necklace. Oh, boy.'

Jenna:Jenna claims she used The Secret to learn Spanish; her demonstration is threatening her housekeeper Rosa with deportation over a necklace, then immediately retracting it

Tracy · Jenna:Jenna's hair re-growth for the re-creation: 'J-Mo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back?' / 'It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?' / 'You know I do.'

Jenna:The Wool Bowl on ESPN 34, with the lyric 'You can't spell America without W-O-O-L'

Jenna:Paul and I can finally buy that time-share in Betasten Bos, Amsterdam's premier private sex garden. There have genetically-altered men there with minotaur heads that chase you through the brambles.

Jenna:In the past, I was the face of Clinique, a French-Canadian anal-rejuvenation clinic, and I was the feet of FilthyLittleFeet.com.

Jenna:Paul is a gender-dysmorphic bigenitalian pansexualle.

Jenna:Our relationship is everything that wool is about... love, warmth, chafed skin.

Eugene · Jenna:Here's to you, Jenna Maroney. Even with your back to me, I can definitely tell it's you. / I'll turn around later. / Perfect. I'll keep talking. / Mmm, wool.

Jenna · Paul:This is our normal, and this is what we think of your morality clause. / Give Mommy some beard. / Oh, you've got some crumbs in here. / Oh, eat it.

Paul · Jenna:Jenna? / Oh, Jenna, no. / There you are! Bad dog! You'll go in the crate tonight.

Jenna:When you Google 'Jenna Maroney' now, I come up first. Not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.

Audience Member · Jenna:Die, you blonde bitch! / Thank you.

Jack · Jenna:Oh. Ha. That's odd, because my daughter's name... / I'm going to interrupt you right there.

Jenna:You're weird looking, Liddy. Even if you could sing, with that face it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster.

Jenna:Take voice lessons. Then seal yourself in a barrel, and fall off of the waterfall.

Jenna:Liddy, go jump back up your mother. / Go jump back up your mother, Liddy. / Yeah, I like the third one for me, and her crying on the second one.

Jenna:The only show I've ever been on that got a 10.2 was when Mickey Rourke threw me onto the field during the Super Bowl.

Jenna:No, Jack. They love to hate me.

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, how do nice people dress? / Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates.

Jenna:Breathtaking. You're the wind beneath my wings. [Jenna, now being 'nice' to kids]

Jenna:Did you see what happened here? We turned an argument into an opportunity to become better friends.

Tracy · Jenna:Liz Lemon is a crack whore. / Probably not, but continue.

Jenna:Are you sure it was Liz Lemon and not present day Sally Field?

Tracy · Jenna:She's been acting all weird. All relaxed and not angry. Well, it has been two days, and she hasn't once stormed in here carping about how all the destructive hurricanes get female names.

Jenna:Oh, Tracy, this is dexoprex. My mother takes it for joint pain. Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys.

Jenna:Oh, God! So much grapevining!

Jenna:Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing, because I'm just hearing about it.

Jenna:I just found out this morning — Teri Polo and Ving Rhames called me at home.

Jenna:Kenneth, do this for me, someone I hope you consider a friend, and who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey.

Jenna:Picking a lock is like riding a bike. They're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons' equipment room.

Jenna:Picking a lock is like riding a bike. They're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons' equipment room.

Jenna:Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Jenna:Kenneth, I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

Jenna:'Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin.' Again? No way. I have too much to lose now.

Jenna:I am this close to becoming the spokeswoman for the vaginal mesh industry. / Vaginal mesh. Nice try, prolapse.

Jenna · Kenneth:Now, if you want to take the fall for this, be my guest. But I can't be connected to it in any way. / Take what fall? / Oh, please. You said it yourself how many rules we've broken. 'B' and 'E', theft and destruction of company property. And who knows what we've done to Pete.

Jenna:'Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered my kabbalist?'

Jenna:Jenna has leeches on her face — 'They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.'

Jenna:Jenna invokes Demi Moore as justification for leeches: 'Plus, it makes P.E.T.A. furious, and if P.E.T.A. doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier, or a teacher.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'You know, with my fecalist in jail, I can eat whatever I want today. Maybe we could go to Outback... I'm going to call ahead and make sure we're in Darryl's section.'

Jenna:Jenna: being photographed is 'like a cage. And not the fun kind where you dance while U.S.C. football recruits throw hot coins at you.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's plan: Liz poses as a Tampa tourist and PETA throws paint on her as the 'leech abuser'

Jenna:Jenna to photographer: 'Make sure you get the Outback sign in the shot or I don't get paid.'

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'You look like I do right now.' Jenna: 'That is psychopath behavior.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'We became friends because I felt bad for you, standing alone at that party like a loser.' Liz: 'Yeah, 'cause I really wanted to talk to the girl who was wrestling in a kiddie pool full of lube.'

Jenna:'God, I wish my first roommate hadn't died of old age. Then you wouldn't have moved in, and I wouldn't have wasted 15 years of my life trying to make you feel better about yourself.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'The back of your neck does look weird.' Liz: 'Why would you say that? You know I can't see it.'

Jenna:Jenna's new celebrity friends: 'Charlie from Charlie bit my finger' and 'Knob Kardashian'

Jenna:Jenna's celebrity gathering: Charlie Bit My Finger, Knob Kardashian, 'Mankind,' and 'Mr. Socko'

Jenna · Charlie Bit My Finger · Knob Kardashian · Mankind:Jenna's celebrity circle argues about whose 'me' is being prioritized: 'We're not doing your things, we're doing my me things.' 'You mean me, right?' 'Me.' 'Me?' 'You're all using that word wrong.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I never should have treated you the way I did, Liz. I need someone who has so little going on in their life, she lets me get all the attention.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'And I need someone in my life who doesn't listen to a word I say.' Jenna: 'Thank you, I just got it cut.'

Jenna · Hazel:Jenna uses Hazel to test 'unapproved Japanese medications.' 'Swallow. Good girl. Now let me know if all your pubic hair falls out.' / 'Oh, my God!' / 'Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete reports Sebastian the producer 'OD'd last night in Guy Fieri's apartment.' Jenna: 'Oh, my God, that's terrible.' Pete: 'Terrible for me.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I'm having Sebastian's lucky earring sent from the morgue. Wear it.'

Jenna:Paul is on 'a transvestite cruise for the last month. It's called Caribbean Queens — for emphasis, No More Love on the Run.'

Jenna:'Billy Ocean is furious, and very litigious. But he's powerless as long as they stay in international waters.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth gives Jenna a pube count update: 'We'll take a pube count, but it doesn't feel worth it.'

Jenna:Jenna's paranoid rant about America's Kidz Got Singing: 'It's not some rinky-dink late night show that a bald idiot produces.' Then: 'Tomorrow night on America's Kidz Got Singing, the judge becomes the opposite of the judge.'

Jenna:Jenna coins 'jiumph' — 'which is short for Jenna triumph' — as a word that needs to happen tonight.

Jenna:Jenna on Weight Watchers: 'I did Watchers to stay pageant-fit, but it was too much math for a six-year-old. Thank God I found cigarettes.'

Jenna · Pete:Jenna refuses a live band: 'I have made love to Alfonso, he can't keep rhythm, get him out of here.' / 'That's a wrap on Alfonso. Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.'

Jenna:Jenna to herself in the mirror: 'This is your moment. The world breathes for you. I love you, myself.'

Jenna · Pete:Jenna mouths along to her own playback but isn't singing — her mouth moves but no sound. Pete: 'Jenna, you're not singing.' Jenna: 'Yes, I am.'

Jenna:Jenna's 'pressure' speech: 'Pressure is trying to pass for four when you just turned seven, at the Miss Toddler Panama City pageant... crammed into the same five-inch heels you wore the year before, blood pooling in your toes. But you know if you don't win, mom can't fix the hole in the gator fence, so you'll be up all night, stabbing gators.'

Jenna:Jenna continues the pressure speech: '...your throat burning from the smoke. You still sing so beautifully that it calms the passengers, so that you and the crew can escape.'

Jenna:Jenna's final pressure definition: 'Singing the Yemeni national anthem while a handsome but ruthless general pushes a scimitar into your neck, Kristin Chenoweth's corpse at your feet.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete and Jenna staring at each other: 'Well, there's something weird going on here. You feel that sexual energy too?' / 'I mean, but... it would be wrong to act on it.' / 'Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete and Jenna's yips 'cure': 'Okay, we don't have a lot of time. So, maybe just by acknowledging the problem, we fixed it? I think we did. I'm cured!'

Jenna:Jenna's cure fails: '#Just you and I / It's worse. I can't open my mouth.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete's archery epiphany: He shoots an arrow at Jenna across the stage to give her pain — and it works.

Jenna · Liz:Jenna to Liz: 'Oh, my God, Liz. We're wearing the exact same lipstick.' / 'Looks better on you, of course.' / 'I wish I could just cut those lips right off and wear them.'

Jenna:It's in my contract that I only play blondes, non-Irish redheads, or bald sex robots.

Jenna · Liz:Well then have Liz do it. She already has the frown lines. There, there they are.

Jenna:Oh, don't be so dramatic. That's my thing. And if you take it away from me, I will kill myself. And then you.

Jenna:Paul's finally coming home tonight. And his sexpectations will be high.

Jenna:Maybe I should wear this home. Show Chris what he'll be looking at in 40 years. Looser skin, same underwear.

Jenna:I'm wearing an edible nightgown. It's breadstick flavor and it comes with a dipping sauce.

Jenna:Did we mix up our days and accidentally both roofie each other? Or did we just fall asleep? What, like some boring, normal, sit-com couple? Like Mr. Brady and Tiger the dog?

Jenna:We go out as a couple to Bed Bath and Beyond and shop for home necessities. In front of everybody.

Jenna · Paul:You know if we got cloth place mats then we could just throw them in the laundry. Well, these vinyl ones say dishwasher safe, that's easy. Yeah, easy for the person who never does the dishes.

Jenna · Paul:What we're doing is so sick, right? How many times have you climaxed? Zero. Me too. Bathroom organizers! Oh!

Pete · Jenna:Oh, Jenna, I have a friend... / Yeah, well I have a million friends. I get so many birthday cards it's embarrassing.

Jenna:But if Daryl Weenus is right, if we're just a couple, why don't we hate it?

Jenna:New York City. Villains and heroes. The 1% and the 99. 8 million people in this crazy, beautiful city, and I, Jenna Maroney, am going to go to town on every last one of them.

Jenna · Liz · Jenna:Hey, Liz, new Bluetooth? / No, I'm talking to someone. / I'm sorry. I don't see people that look like that.

Jenna:I don't know a lot about business, but he did an Internet and now the computers like him and Wall Street is Google.

Jenna:Liz, I'm on a sexual walkabout right now. I need to know if anything can make me happier than being with Paul. And maybe $20 billion would do it.

Jenna · Liz:Oh, what's that animal? You know, the one that crosses so slowly across the road and then you swerve to make sure you hit it and then a car coming the other way swerves to avoid you and goes off a cliff. And then that night you and your companion have the greatest sex of your lives because you're both sharing a secret. / It's a turtle, Jenna.

Jenna · Criss:It's Leap Day. Real life is for March. / Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Jenna:It looks like we've got a slut-off on our hands.

Jenna · Thad · Jenna:What was the dance that Rolf did for Liesl? Did it go like this? / Yes. / That's it. That's how Rolf danced.

Jenna:Right now, there are models waking up from their coke binges, multi-ethnic bartenders with daddy issues, former ballerinas who had to quit because their boobs got too big. They're gonna hear about the horny billionaire, and Thad's gonna forget all about his little crush. They're coming, Liz. Click click. That's their stilettos. Click click.

Liz · Jenna · Tracy:Nerf rifle. Mass Effect 3. What else do we need for, uh, research?

Jenna:Is there singing? Because I sing. Tracy doesn't sing, so I should do it. The audience expects it. I'll sleep with you.

Jenna:Tracy, every blond actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called Goodlooking. I played Alexis Goodlooking, who was also good-looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.

Jenna:I may not pick up, 'cause I lost my phone just now.

Jenna:Read him his rights. I should tell my husband I'm gonna be late tonight. No, wait, I can't. He's dead.

Jenna:Hang on. The trash was moved.

Jenna · Tracy:Hang on. The trash was moved. [Beat.] Hiding something, Mr. Lutz?

Jenna · Tracy:I broke the number one rule of being on the force. Don't fall in love with your car? No. I let it get personal. You're right. The car thing is stupid.

Jenna:Take a sit 'cause no one is going anywhere!

Jenna:'cause we have you dead to rights, you black bastard! And if you don't play along, we tell Pete about your little scam... How the show's been paying for your video games and nerf rifles and pornography.

Jack · Jenna:Kidz is a hit the whole family can watch together, not your usual sitcom crap full of gratuitous vulgarity and pratfalls. [beat] My penis!

Jenna:I'm gonna rub this under my eyes to help me fake it. It's an old acting trick I learned from Glenn Beck's prostitute.

Jenna · Liz:Remember my little moneymaking scheme back in Chicago? Cashing your dead aunt's social security checks? No, I'm still doing that.

Jenna:I have six kids. Jerome, share the bronzer, you slut.

Jenna:Mommy announcement. I hope we're all waxed, because you're coming with me to my interview tonight for Barbara Walters' 10 most overexposed people.

Jenna:Okay, so, let me just quickly identify everyone's good sides. Left, left, right, right, left... Judy. That's not really on message.

Jenna:If you want to get to know me, read my 2006 interview in Amtrak magazine. If you want to be my daughter, put on this wig and smile.

Jenna · Unknown:God! You're a winter! I don't know what that means.

Jenna:I'm just gonna choose at random who it's gonna be. Eenie-meenie-miney-moe, out goes Y-O-U.

Jenna:So Bravo wants to do a reality show about us, and I thought the opening credits could be all of us in a giant dog bed, and you guys are suckling on prosthetic dog teats that I'm wearing.

Jenna · Jessica (Jenna's child):That's Hugh Hefner, Jessica. Yeah, we have no idea who that is, so you're kind of just proving our point.

Jenna:Looking for this? [Jenna produces a negotiating chip after being cornered by her kids]

Jenna:The blonde ones, they turned on me. They threw me away like I was some kind of Judy.

Jack · Tracy · Jenna:Wake up, mother-. / Die, demon! / Why didn't you ever call me back?

Tracy · Jenna:Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost... / Oh, Great Kabbalah monster...

Jenna · Tracy:They said my name first. / But I'm more famous than you.

Jenna:I'll replace your lizard with a gay guy in a giant champagne bottle.

Jenna:The only baloney Tracy has is the baloney he's full of.

Jenna:It's like sex, but your husband isn't looking at a picture of a bridge.

Tracy · Jenna:He should have said my name first. Roker should be on my side. / Why, because you both have had huge weight fluctuations?

Jenna · Jack:Jenna asks Jack to hire a giant to stand in every scene she's in to make her look daintier — 'It's why Lamar Odom married that giant Kardashian girl.'

Jenna:'I played Italian party whore in The Amanda Knox Story.'

Jenna:'Every kidnapped woman I've ever played has been released.'

Jenna · Jack:'Oxygen is already working on a movie about the baby miners.' / 'Then we'll have to slow them down. Gabriel... send a bunch of pies to the Oxygen network.'

Jenna · Jack:Jenna tries to play Avery by sneaking into Jack's office pretending to be her — 'No, don't turn on the light.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'You think I'm stupid, just because my college got tipped over by those Miami Heat fans.'

Jenna:'Would a dumb person be able to think of something amazing to say as she leaves?' — Jenna then stands there for ten seconds in silence, unable to think of anything

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna to Kenneth: 'Oh, I thought you were someone famous. You sound a lot like Reese Witherspoon.'

Jack · Jenna:'The second cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me.' / 'When I went to the bathroom on the hood of your car before I thought of this plan?'

Jenna:Jenna: 'That's a nice story, Jack, but I don't hear my name in it.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack concludes Jenna has 'Avery's essence' — 'the ruthless pursuit of self-interest. It's the heart of capitalism. And the beautiful black heart of my wife.' — then congratulates Jenna and she accepts 'the part.'

Jenna:'Now if you'll excuse me, I have a female condom to take out. Unless... Going once...'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna's self-evaluation: 'I am the worst person I know. When I used to live with Liz, I would videotape her sleeping and sell it to Japanese businessmen.'

Jenna:I filled it out last night after mixing alcohol with prescription... exhaustion.

Jenna · Kenneth:It's English director Christopher Nolan. I was shooting blow darts at Maggie Gyllenhaal from a heating vent.

Jenna · Kenneth:I quit this show! To hell with you all! Go to hell! [beat] I just need you to do a quick camera test.

Jenna:I do not understand Christopher Nolan's methods. He's directing a live-action Smurfs sequel, so I went to Times Square, did cartwheels like he asked... We got the whole thing on tape. This was a prank? This isn't body paint. It's a spray they use to kill geese at airports.

Jenna:I was so young when I got this. Who even remembers 2007?

Jenna:"He is estranged from his son Kellan Lutz from Twilight."

Jenna:No, I win. On my self-evaluation, I said I'm the worst person I know. But it's not true! Thanks to you guys, I'm the fourth worst. ♪ Jenna's amazing like a star in the sky ♪

Jenna:I was busy burning down the panda express that I had fallen in love with.

Jenna:I'm just having a celebrity breakdown. It's the new sex tape.

Jenna:Something I wish I'd known before I released my sex tape with the six flags guy.

Jenna:'Da-mi', 'de-mi', Heather, Lindsay, Britney, Muammar... so sad. A life cut short. He gave the best diamonds.

Jenna:Justin and K-fed, Bruce and Ashton, Samantha Ronson and Herbie the Lovebug.

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, I need your input. / I cannot give it to you. I'm a married man. But more importantly, I find you very unattractive.

Jenna:The Today Show Jenna breakdown montage: interrupting a spelling bee to compliment Gurubarath Kurrupuswami, being asked to leave Dick Cavett's birthday party, a kleptomania relapse ending in orgasm and arrest.

Jenna:Matthew, I'd really prefer to just talk about my upcoming project. Me running through that window. Aah!

Jenna · David Blaine:David Blaine on a skateboard: 'I can see that you're on a skateboard, David.' / 'This is why we broke up, Jenna.'

Tracy · Jenna:Jmo, these are from Mickey Rourke. No! Tracy, put them down!

Tracy · Jenna:I've been thinking. / Why? You're famous.

Paul · Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, if you'll excuse us. / No, Paul. If it wasn't for Tracy, we wouldn't be here right now. He can stay. / No, I'm cool. I'm gonna leave.

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Paul and I have decided to get married. And I told him to propose tonight on TG—' / Liz: 'Absolutely not!' / Jenna: 'You didn't let me finish. S.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I've been working on my reaction since I was 3.' Then demonstrates an over-the-top 'Aaah!' scream

Jenna · Unknown:Jenna to someone: 'Remember that package you made me take to Singapore last summer? I just got out of Changi prison.' The person responds: 'Thank you. Just portion control and exercise.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'According to Roe v. Dwyane Wade, I have a right to choose.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'This is New York state, bitch, anyone can marry anything now.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Rick Santorum was right. How could I have been so blind?' Liz: 'Because you're a horrible person.' Jenna: 'Thank you. Just portion control and lots of water.'

Paul · Jenna:Paul proposes on live TV with the ring — Jenna says 'Oh, Paul. No, no, a million times no.'

Jenna:Jenna's explanation: 'I want to get married for you. And so you can't testify against me in court.'

Jack · Jenna:After the public proposal refusal goes viral, Jack notes: 'Wow. 2.5 million people just saw that.' [Beat] 'And now 14 million people saw it.' Jenna: 'You're welcome. Oh, and also I broke your toilet.'

Jenna:Jenna claims to have 'played Avery in the TV movie, Kidnapped by Danger'

Jenna:'Now you sound like the cops outside of Jackie O's funeral. But I got in there and sang almost all of Hey Big Spender.'

Jenna:'Thank you for looking up on Wikipedia that I was conceived on a toilet.'

Jenna:Jenna's talking head: 'No one wants me in their story.'

Jenna:'If a beautiful woman cries and no one hears it, did she waste $700 on crying lessons at Adrian Brody's unaccredited acting school?'

Jenna:Jenna approaches Virginia's stroller: 'Virginia. It's aunt Jenna. Look. I heard what Liz said about you, and I just have to say that I have known Liz a long, long, long time and she's totally shady.'

Jenna:Virginia (baby) apparently laughs at Jenna's gossip: 'Oh my god! You are hilarious. Do you act? Because we should do a movie together where we're on a road trip just being sluts. High five.'

Jenna:Jenna at the fashion show: 'You've got a lot of nerve coming here. You know this is Virginia's night. You have no class, you prostitution whore.'

Jenna:'They want me. Which means I'm too good for this crap. Like when I sang at that children's hospital. Get away from me, I'm revoking my waiver. Now blur my face. Blur it more. More. Now disguise my voice. Thank you, gays.'

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, who sponsored your wedding? I don't know. There was a lot of Fanta there, and the police, so maybe they co-sponsored it?

Jenna:My sponsor is the Southern Tourism Bureau. It's perfect 'cause I'm sort of a down-home, America's sweetheart type. Leonardi, my hair psychic, is always saying how down to Earth I am.

Jenna:They're paying for me and Paul to get married on an old plantation. Which is great 'cause our wedding was gonna be slavery-themed anyway.

Jenna:'cause I'm from le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.

Jenna:I'm sorry, sir, I have no idea what you're saying. I'm sure it's nothing that I can't fix with a little accent work.

Jenna:I've been writing a sex column for Cosmo. Cosmo is my 14-year-old neighbor. He doesn't know anything.

Jenna:Sex, money, power, fire, choking, being dragged behind a speed boat... It's all the same thing.

Jenna:Paul keeps the house nice, and I try to get him pregnant.

Jenna:If I want to treat myself to a new pair of Christy LaButtons, I don't have to ask any man for $17.

Jenna:They're knockoff Christian Louboutins. I got tired of ruining $1,200 shoes trying to impregnate my boyfriend.

Jenna:You wear the pants, Liz. You don't necessarily pull them off because of your hips, but you wear them.

Jenna:Dadgum possum up and what been bit my mother's neck brace.

Jenna · Director:Dixie's callin', y'all. I reckon you should answer. / No, this isn't right. This isn't Southern elegance. This is a dirtbag girl I once knew. A girl named Jay-nuh!

Jenna:She used to get into fistfights at water parks, and lost her virginity to a bait salesman on a water bed.

Jenna · Liz:She's not who I am any more. I'm classy. People who say that about themselves usually are.

Jenna:Them puppets done picked the wrong day to cross my kin! It's on, panhandle style!

Jenna:Well, it's over. I'm never gonna get a wedding sponsor now. That dirtbag Jay-nuh won. I wanted my wedding to be an expression of who I am, and now it will be. I'm a panhandle hick, and my wedding will be just another panel on my mother's family history back tattoo.

Jenna:So you own things. That's good. 'Christian...' That's always a good word. Wait, did they say 'Christian' about my shoes? 'With her Christian Louboutins.' They didn't know that my shoes were cheap knockoffs. They thought they were fancy, even though they're secretly crap.

Jenna:That's it. That's who I am! I'm that knockoff designer shoe. My outside is shiny and pretty, but my inside is filled with cardboard and horse glue.

Jenna:I look forward to reading your obituary, 'Least famous person in the world dies.'

Hazel · Jenna:Hazel does an impression of Kenneth for Jenna — gasping, snorting, groaning. Jenna calls out 'Doris!'

Jenna:I'd admire you if you weren't brunette.

Hazel · Jenna:I'm a natural blonde. / That's insane!

Kenneth · Jenna:This isn't my application. This isn't even my handwriting. / Do you know whose handwriting it is? / Hazel's. / She sabotaged you so you won't become a threat. / And to think I thought Hazel was a bitch!

Jenna:I have something to say. / I played Avery Jessup in 'Kidnapped By Danger,' now available on Sega Genesis.

Jenna:The doves I ordered for the wedding came, and they're all dead! / One of them touched my tongue!

Jenna:Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The doves were just a drill. Everyone needs to be on their toes for my wedding year.

Liz · Jenna:Wait, if that was a drill, did you kill those doves? / No, I bought them at the dead-dove store. Grow up, Liz.

Jenna:I prefer soul-sucking monster.

Jenna · Liz:You know, I have a lot of really good friends I could ask to be my maid of honor — Paz de la Huerta, the former Mrs. Jon Cryer, Honey Boo Boo's mom. / June. / But you're my oldest friend. And, also, I've known you for a long time.

Jenna · Liz:Jenna twists her hand, causing Liz extreme pain to force her to agree to be maid of honor.

Jenna:Oh, you're in charge of the bachelorette party. Make sure you have a stripper there from every race. Stan looking for Indian now. It's a tough booking.

Jenna:If you're thinking about Vegas for the bachelorette party, we can't stay at the Palms. One of the Maloofs wants me dead, and the other one loves me. I don't remember which is which.

Jenna · Liz:FYI, Paul's family dog is gonna be the ring bearer. Zoltan is an 18-year-old German shepherd who cannot walk. / So, you're gonna be in charge of him. / No, Jenna, I'm allergic to dogs. / Oh, don't worry. He's hairless because of his insanity medication.

Jenna:Also, since this is a surprise wedding, you're gonna want to carry around your bridesmaid's dress with you at all times.

Liz · Jenna:You know what? I can't do anything tonight. Because tonight is your surprise bachelorette party! Aah!

Liz · Jenna:Sure, and you should get your hopes way up. / See you at my apartment at eight. / Your apartment? Why? / It's a surprise. / And there's nothing worse than a surprise Lemon party.

Liz · Jenna:Okay, let's get this party started! / Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

Liz · Jenna:Just ask one of your famous friends to be maid of honor. / Why do you think I asked you in the first place? Because you're not famous! You think I want someone up there with me that other people are looking at? I wanted you because you're nothing!

Liz · Jenna:I get it. You didn't want to get Pippa Middleton-ed. / Why would you even mention her?!

Liz · Jenna:Nobody will be your maid of honor, because there's only one person who can be — you. / What? That's crazy. / Think about it. There would be nobody to steal your spotlight. In fact, you would have two spotlights.

Jenna:I think the maid of honor should sing at my wedding. Sure. / And she can do a fashion show that takes the audience all the way through the wedding night. / And what if she came in in a wheelchair and then stood up and everyone applauded and cried?

Jenna · Pete:I have been waiting seven years to tell you people what I really think of you. Really? 'Cause you called me 'Mr. Clean's Gay Uncle' in front of my children.

Jenna:This is my first royalty check for my summer dance jam, 'Balls.' ♪ Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls ♪

Jenna:paid download, music video DVD rental at Blockbuster...

Jenna:And maybe you ought to look in the mirror before leaving your house in the morning, because you look like someone's been slowly poisoning Sally Field.

Jenna · Pete:Read it and weep, you mouth-breathing, vag repellers. It's $90, Jenna.

Jenna:The FBI blamed it for a spike in summer sex crimes.

Jenna:Thanks to Al Gore's stupid Internet, people can just get music for free. That's why I got out of the music business. ♪ Despite my beautiful singing voice ♪ ♪ and my amazing songwriting... ♪

Kenneth · Jenna:Hey, Jenna. — Shut up.

Jenna:I am having an actress side project crisis. So I'm not interested in whatever this is and whatever it thinks it's wearing.

Jenna:Is that a CD? You people still buy CDs?

Jenna · Pearline:Kenneth's mother. O.M.G. Why haven't you visited us before? Well, money's been tight ever since the market crashed into our house.

Jenna:I have so many questions to ask you people. Tomorrow, when we break for lunch, you are coming to my dressing room and watching me eat.

Jenna · Ron:Are they about being a loser? Some of them. But mostly, they're about being on a tropical island...

Jenna:Yes. If you're only in New York for a few days, find a way to see Amar'e Stoudemire's penis. It's worth it.

Jenna:But if I do [steal the song], don't even bother lawyering up. I'll have my Jews on you so fast, you'll think you're an Asian girl.

Jenna:Ron, that was terrible. I'm going to be constructive here. You should kill yourself.

Jenna:I think I just got an idea for a song. It's called 'rum-soaked tampon.'

Jenna:'♪ does this song make you wanna do it? / you're welcome ♪'

Jenna:'♪ girl, you're so beautiful / and so is the guy you're with ♪'

Jenna · Audience Member:'♪ I just want to lick your face, eeh... ♪' — Hey! Where you think you are, OfficeMax? Get out of here, you perverts.

Jenna:A magazine reports Jenna is 56. Jenna's publicist-style crisis response: 'God, no... I have children!'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna catches Kenneth and proposes a seduction bit: 'You be the janitor, and I'll be the piece of gum on the floor that you just can't chisel off.' Then: 'Show me that part of your shins that's hairless from your synthetic socks.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth shows Jenna a fake newspaper headline: 'Teens gone wild: Is Jenna Maroney partying too hard?' and warns: 'Be careful, you don't want to turn out like Amanda Byne-us. Did I do it right?'

Jenna:Jenna says she's too old to party: 'I watch Castle, and my purse is filled with sweet'n lows.'

Jenna:Jenna threatens: 'If I find out that someone around here planted this disgusting story that I'm young, I'm gonna do to them what I did to my own ribs... Take them out.'

Jenna:Jenna reveals she planted the '56' story herself to skip ahead to being 'an amazing slut who wins Oscars' like Helen Mirren.

Liz · Jenna:Helen Mirren bikini photo discussion: 'She looks amazing for 67.' Jenna: 'Exactly. For.' Then: 'She's actually not that hot. She's got a gut and British legs.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna is in the running for a Geri-Chair endorsement. Liz: 'I know Geri-Chair. They're the company that makes my bed steps.'

Jenna:Jenna on the phone: 'That was Gerald Chair, the inventor of the Geri-Chair. They're leaning towards Jamie Lee Curtis. She already beat me out for Activia, and cold flash menopause popsicles.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz pitches re-staging the show as a favor 'for all women.' Jenna: 'Ugh!' Liz: 'We are gonna prove Tracy wrong—' Jenna: 'Bored.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz asks if Jenna is thinking or doing kegels. Jenna: 'Yes.'

Jenna · Liz:The sketch: 'Doctor, I'm unhappy with me widdle body. Can you help me?' / 'Well, of course. Toddler plastic surgery is an exciting new field. We can take you down an entire diaper size.'

Jenna · Liz:The sketch: Jenna plays a little girl in a cutesy voice: 'Doctor, I'm unhappy with me widdle body.' Liz as doctor responds: 'Well, of course. Toddler plastic surgery is an exciting new field. We can take you down an entire diaper size.'

Liz · Jenna:The sketch song: women refusing to prove they're funny with a list of funny women, ending with 'Don't need to prove it to you'

Jenna · Liz:'Tank you, doctor.' 'Don't thank me, thank Roe V. Wade.'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy describes Jenna as 'that sad old prostitute trying to look young' — Jenna's delighted response: 'Old? Thank you, Tracy.'

Jenna:Jenna flashes the Empire State Building from the roof at night: 'Sometimes, I like to come up here at night and flash my breasts at the Empire State Building.'

Jenna:You look like that flash card they told me means sadness.

Jenna:Jenna advises Jack on aging gracefully: 'I mean, inside, I still feel like a sex idiot. But I have to accept the fact that I'm fake 56 now, and I'm more of a Diane Lane ageless beauty.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack: 'Do you really want this girl asking you to go hear her friend DJ in Brooklyn?' Jenna: 'No, that sounds exhausting.' 'Do you want to drive five hours to go rock climbing with her, and be expected to have sex after?' 'I do not. I mean, my back.'

Jenna:Jenna's advice on being the older person in a relationship: 'It's fun. You get to say racist stuff whenever you want, and people bring you soup.'

Jenna:Jenna's Geri-Chair commercial: 'Geri-Chair makes it safe for me to spend Christmas alone.'

Jenna:'Jacksonville's naming their new airport Sized strip club after me. No bottoms!'

Jenna · Jack/Liz:'Because there's no "I" or "me" in "America."' / 'There's both.'

Jenna:'If I'm gonna get political, it's gonna be to build a better country for Jenna Maroney. Someone who respects the human fetus and recognizes its value as a hair volumizer.'

Liz · Jenna · Jack · Liz:'Like debate?' / 'Like DeBarge? I love DeBarge!' / 'No, Jenna, I said --' / 'I love DeBarge too, Jenna.' / 'Point, Jack.'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna's response to reproductive rights: 'Do you want a bunch of old men behind closed doors deciding what you can and cannot do with your body?' / 'Ooh, and how do they tell me their decisions? Do I get shocked whenever I do the wrong thing?'

Liz · Jenna · Jack:Jack's Republican celebrity list: 'We have the coolest celebrities. Scarlett Johansson. Blake Lively. Jessica Biel --' [Jenna is impressed] / 'Wow. Those are all very beautiful women. Do you really want to be photographed next to them?'

Jenna:Jenna in a Twitter war with a spambot: 'Screw you, Dona-one-d Estaluj. I don't need Viagra! You need Viagra!'

Jack · Jenna:Jack: 'Mitt. It stands for Motorized Intelligent Technodrome Termina --' / [interrupted] 'It's a human's name.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna walks by drinking something, drips it on Liz: 'Mnh-mnh... Yours dripped on me, and now I'm drunk!'

Jenna:Jenna recites what she said the last time Hazel tried to audition: 'Aah, who's there? Please don't hurt me. The safe's in my children's room.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Why don't you make like a woman driver and get lost?'

Jenna:Jenna to Kenneth: 'I take in 50 calories a day and I'm using them all up just trying to help you.'

Jenna:Jenna pretending to listen to Kenneth: 'You're doing amazing. I wish you could see how sexy your listening face is. For Halloween, you should go as a slutty ear.'

Jenna:Kenneth starts talking; Jenna immediately begins singing a song about herself listening, drowning him out

Jenna:Jenna, confronted by Kenneth about what Hazel told her: 'Oh God, what do I do? Help me, me. This one's on you, bitch.'

Jenna:What? But the sheik who won me in that poker game was beheaded.

Jenna:For a million points, he got me! Surge! Suck it down!

Jenna:My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up after that shoot, so I called him, and I was like, 'O.J., where are you?' And he was like, 'Wait, you're alive? Then who did I kill?'

Jenna:I'm moving to Arizona to be with my new slave master Terry to live in a birdcage he built.

Jenna:Daddy, why are you doing this?

Jenna:I didn't want anyone to see me like this, she lied.

Jenna:$2,000, Jack? I've stolen more than that from my cleaning lady's purse!

Jenna · Paul:Jenna reveals she had a surprise wedding planned: 'You just ruined my surprise wedding!' — complete with Paul waiting upstairs and Reverend Gimp

Jenna:'A-listers always have surprise weddings now, Liz. Timberbiel, Beyon-Z, Anne Hatha-nobody.'

Jenna:'technically, I am an A-lister now because I was on a list to date Tom Cruise, but I bailed before I got sucked in too deep, praise Xenu!'

Jenna:Jenna, having found out her surprise wedding is ruined: 'Since I'm not getting married today, I might as well stuff my face.'

Jenna:'My whole life is thunder!'

Jenna:'Next you'll tell me Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign!'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Liz's flashback/fantasy of first meeting Jenna: Jenna in period costume ('What brings a mummer to Lightsman's Row?') speaking to a young boy — revealed to be Liz

Jenna:'Oh, Liz, you had me at "Hayden Panettiere is dead"!'

Jenna:Jenna emerges holding the disc: 'Looking for this?' — villain reveal

Jenna · Liz Lemon:'And without me, you'd still be doing local commercials for store-brand douches. / Well, joke's on you because that wasn't a commercial. I don't know what it was!'

Liz Lemon · Jenna:'I swear to God, you are the most selfish human being on the planet. / Thank you. Visit my website for extras and ringtones.'

Liz Lemon · Jenna:I swear to God, you are the most selfish human being on the planet. Thank you. Visit my website for extras and ringtones.

Jenna · Lighting tech:Jenna bribes the lighting tech to light the stage 'like a grocery store milk aisle'

Judy · Jenna:Judy (a random audience member) defends Jenna: 'We shouldn't be defining ourselves by our men.' / Jenna: 'Oh, so in order to be independent, we have to be asexual? / You would know, Judy!'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Jenna's rare emotional honesty: 'All these years, I've always been able to look at you and feel better about myself.' / Liz: 'Sure.' / 'Don't interrupt.'

Jenna:'The pill that lets me feel emotion is gonna wear off soon.'

Jenna:Jenna's emotional confessional spirals into: 'you're married to a guy that I think about during sex.'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Watching you struggle at work, dating losers, wearing boys' husky jeans -- / They have reinforced crotches.

Jenna:The pill wears off: 'Pill wearing off. You have mom arms.'

Jenna:Jenna's wedding vow: 'I promise not to make fun of you when you ask where your glasses are and they're on your head.'

Jenna:No, you need a nobody to sign for that water. We're on TV.

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy and Jenna react to learning about a $50 million harassment lawsuit against them personally — Tracy says 'Hold my calls, giant bee'

Martin · Tracy · Jenna:'Her deposition is very gross. I'm going to use this doll to show you what Tracy and Jenna did to me.' — lawyer holds up a doll; Tracy and Jenna react in horror

Jenna:We would never do that to a page... Maybe that tall Asian one. Yeah, Miranda. Her hair is so thick and black.

Tracy · Jenna:We hid a camera on a gigolo friend of ours and asked him to seduce Hazel. Sloppy Rodney. He has syphilis.

Tracy · Jenna:Jay-Mo, I like to flouring a joke about Björk's swan dress... / Tired.

Kenneth · Tracy · Jenna:What? Did I miss a spot? / I don't care. All I care about is which jazz club I'm going to tonight. / He's broken.

Kenneth · Tracy · Jenna:Kenneth begins to list inappropriate things he's witnessed; Tracy and Jenna frantically interrupt him with 'You have something in your teeth! Let me lick it off!' and 'Want to see a porno my cousin is in?'

Tracy · Unknown · Jenna:To close a very important deal, I'm going to need to loan you to David Geffen for the weekend. / Why do I even take birth control pills if I'm always gonna be alone? / You might as well take them, Kenneth. You take them! Take them!

Jenna:Great news, Liz. Kenneth doesn't have different hair anymore.