Jackie Jormp Jomp

Jeffrey Winerslav:It's pronounced 'weener-slave.'

Seminar Facilitator:The seminar facilitator declares his own mildly awkward joke about someone eager to return to work 'a very appropriate and very, very funny joke.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Jack, I did not hit that Asian page. I was just swinging my arm and she walked into me. Twice.'

Jenna:Wait. We can call her Janis Joplin? We got the life rights? It's not Janie Jimplin anymore?

Jack:Apparently, neither name cleared. It looks like your character's going to be called Jackie Jormp-Jomp.

Jenna · Jack:Jenna: 'Oh, okay. So what's the good news?' Jack: 'I didn't say there was any.'

Jack:You're holding that upside down.

Jenna:Jenna sings a fragment: 'someday there will be a black president' as her Woodstock performance.

Jenna:Jenna: 'Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a wrdne. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.'

Jenna:I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symoné for one day. But she knows what she did.

Jenna:Jenna: 'I'll set aside my feud with Raven Simone for one day. But she knows what she did.'

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth yells 'Mr. Donaghy, help! Rule breaking!' when Liz tries to take a script.

Jack:Jack: 'Remember that time I came back from the world economic forum with mono and missed a week of work and I wanted to pull my hair out but I couldn't because it's too thick?'

Jack · Liz:Jack says 'you start bouncing off the walls, spend your days jabbering at doormen' — Liz fires back, 'Hey, I brighten their day.'

Liz · Frank:Frank's hat says 'constant cving.' — Liz: 'He could do better.'

Lutz:Lutz/writer: 'The whole thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Ms. Vieira made me throw it away. And said pretty boys like me shouldn't be filling their heads with ideas.'

Frank · Unknown Coworker:Hi, Frank. / Hello. / Coworker.

Liz:Liz, talking to her building's doorman: 'My job is very stressful. But in the end, I get paid to make people laugh. We have a saying that laughter is the best medicine, so I'm kind of like a doctor here.'

Liz:'Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.'

Liz · Emily:Liz has been living in her building for four years and has never noticed the gym or the vending machines.

Liz · Emily:No, I'm Liz. I've lived here for four years.

Liz:Liz: 'Right now I should be standing in a toilet stall so nobody bothers me while I eat lunch. God, I miss it.'

Liz · Emily:Liz immediately identifies that Emily's candy drawer would need a 'decoy candy drawer to throw others off the trail.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth goes to Jack directly to disclose his 'relationship' with a dancer — whom he has never spoken to — citing company policy.

Kenneth:Kenneth won't go to Pete because 'he has a ridge on the section of the skull associated with deviousness.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long-term plan to marry her, and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'And not because of my acute ventralitis.'

Jack:Jack: 'I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting.'

Kenneth:Oh, also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.'

Grizz or Dotcom:Tracy's friend's reaction shot / non-response upon learning he'll have to disclose the relationship.

Liz · Wealthy Friend:Liz arrives at a wealthy friend's apartment in casual clothes, and the friend is 'dressed up' — for a weekday, at home. Liz: 'So this is normal? This is like your version of sweatpants and pop-tarts?' Friend: 'Not too shabs.' Liz: 'Short for shabby. Hilarious.'

Jack:Jack's ways to achieve a life of leisure: 'Just short the housing market. Or write a cookbook specifically for mixed-race children. Or marry a rich, old dude who dies. Or have mild lupus and great insurance.'

Emily:This could be your life too, Liz. Just short the housing market. Or write a cookbook specifically for mixed-race children. Or marry a rich, old dude who dies. Or have mild lupus and great insurance.

Liz:Liz spends the entire speech about why she can't/shouldn't join the spa day... and then we cut to her fully participating — massages, Bergdorf, dermatologist tune-up, dinner.

Liz · Friend:'Those look great on you.' / 'Then I'm buying them.' — mid-self-pitying monologue, Liz is clearly shopping.

Liz · Friend:Liz: 'What time is it?' Friend: 'Almost midnight.' — Liz had promised one drink, it's now nearly midnight.

Liz:Liz gets home after midnight and realizes: 'I forgot to watch my show.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I'm prepared to do a nipple slip if you need it.'

Jenna · Reporter:Reporter asks Jenna: 'Whose mom are you?' Jenna replies: 'Thank you.'

Jenna:Jenna is upstaged mid-sentence by a child shouting 'Dora the Explorer's backpack!' at the Kids' Choice Awards.

Kenneth · Dotcom · Grizz:Dotcom refuses to get Grizz extra mustard as part of their fight; Kenneth mediates: 'He'll never get mustard. Except for the mustard that comes with the sandwich.'

Kenneth · Dotcom:Dotcom: 'I didn't say—' Kenneth: 'I knew this would happen someday. A woman would come between us.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon's in jail now. And somebody has to step up and take charge around here.'

Tracy:'Let the problem solving begin.' — Tracy declares this ominously before doing something clearly problematic.

Jenna:Jenna: 'First a backpack upstages me, then the paparazzi kept calling me Dina Lohan, and now the Cyrus family has decided to rock a bunch of funky hats.'

Jenna's PR rep / Jack:'Did Jackie Jormp-Jomp give up when those vampires attacked Woodstocks?'

Jenna:The Kids' Choice Awards memorial segment for 'those we lost in the kid entertainment industry' — and Jenna's face appears.

Awards Show Announcer:From DreamWorks's upcoming feature film 'On Top of Spaghetti,' Helen Mirren.

Jenna · Connor:Was that me? Did they just say I'm dead? / I thought you spoke to the producers.

Jack · Jenna:Jack: 'I want to Tupac you.' Jenna: 'Fine. But I have to pee first.' Jack: 'No, no, no — Tupac Shakur, the rapper.'

Jack · Jenna:Jenna on the Tupac marketing strategy: 'Die young, become a legend. Just like Janis. Or Rusty, the bear from the Magicals.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.'

Seminar Instructor:Congratulations, Miss Lemon. You've completed your sensitivity training. Your suspension is up, and here is your certificate.

Seminar Facilitator · Liz:The sensitivity training facilitator celebrates Liz's completion but says 'coming back to work isn't always easy' and launches into a vivid description of workplace misery.

Liz:That's soon.

Liz:That's soon.

Liz:Liz to the facilitator: 'Why don't you drop those Dockers and gimme a piece of that sweet ass?'

Jack · Liz:Jack on phone: 'Jeffrey Weener-slave said you put your fingers in his mouth. Did I? Or did he put his mouth on my fingers?'

Jack:Jack: 'It's gonna take at least six weeks paid leave to get to the bottom of this.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I'm very busy right now faking Jenna's death to sell her movie.' Liz: 'I'm not going to engage on that. Mantra.'

Liz · Jack:Liz says she's on 'humanity leave.' Jack: 'Good god, what Indigo Girls song is that from?'

Liz:Liz: 'Syllabus of Us: Off-Vagabonds, Martyrs, and Quilts.'

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, you are not a rich divorcee.' Liz: 'I know. But I have some money saved — enough for two years. Maybe four if I give up cable. So I will be back to the show in four years.'

Liz:How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'There is no solace in their luxury. Only deep despair.' Liz: 'How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?'

Emily:Oh, God, there's a spider nest in my yoga mat!

Tracy:Tracy: 'Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show. John Adams.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.'

Jack · Pete:Pete. A word. / Jenna's dead. / I don't feel anything. / What's wrong with me?

Pete:They already have an obituary reel for Jenna — 'We put it together after she cheated on that mobster.'

Emily:Emily: 'Oh, eating right, working out, sleeping... Bm-ing like a rock star?'

Liz · Emily · Another Friend:All right, all right. What's the hump day schedule look like? / Oh, it's easy, Liz, it's Thursday. / I read somewhere it's Tuesday.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy has replaced the fired professional dancers with women 'who were brawling in a parking lot an hour ago' — now presented as the new TGS dancers.

Liz:My boss kept trying to tell me that I would go crazy living a life of leisure, that it's unhealthy — well, he's actually right.

Emily:Emily: 'I used to be a neurosurgeon before Jasmine Guy and I wrote our cookbook.'

Liz · Emily:What, like Sudoku? / Uh, we did a games night for a couple of weeks. Didn't last. / So, charity work? / No, charity work sucks.

Erin · Emily · Liz:The 'special activity' is revealed to be a fight club — Erin punches herself in the face as a demonstration.

Emily · Liz:Punch me in the face, Liz. / I'm sorry, what? / You heard me. Punch me as hard as you can, and then I am coming at you like an animal.

Liz · Emily:Liz: 'Oh god, is this a fight club?' Emily: 'The pain proves we're alive.' Liz: 'Oh, this is very disappointing!'

Liz:Liz: 'I brought a roll of quarters to hold in my fist.' — before reluctantly agreeing to fight.

Liz:Oh god. Jack was right. / Oh, I have to get back to my show. I need the show.

Liz:Liz: 'Oh god. Jack was right.' (about her needing to go back to work) — delivered in the context of a fight club.

Emily:Emily: 'You want out, Liz? You're gonna have to fight your way out.'

Pete · Announcer:A memorial tribute for Jenna on TGS begins with: 'The coast guard won't officially declare her dead yet, but what the pirates did to that boat!'

Pete · Announcer:Jenna's tribute reel: 'That was some of Jenna Maroney's earlier work. It's hard to believe that both of those women outlived her. Especially the woman on the right.'

Jenna:Jenna, watching her own tribute: 'It has the year I was born on it. The real year. Not the actress year.'

Jenna:Jack: 'It's too late to change it, Jack.' — Jenna says this, not Jack.

Awards Show Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, Itzhak Bemelmans and the Tracy Jordan Dancers.

Jenna:Jenna: 'Still alive. Not yet 32. Sorry, Jack. Worth it.'

Liz · Jack:Liz returns: 'I'm back.' Jack: 'What did it turn out to be? Lesbians?' Liz: 'No. Fight club.'

Liz · Tracy · others:Liz, back at TGS, sees the chaos and launches into a rant: 'You guys mess up everything you touch, and then I have to come in here and fix it.' — then immediately starts smiling and hugging them.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Why are you smiling? You're freaking me out.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Why are you smiling? / You're freaking me out.

Liz:Final tag: 'I'm back, nerds.'