J.D. Lutz

Lutz · Liz:I just took a whole bunch of Cialis, because I have big Valentine's plans tonight. / With who? / Uh, nobody.

Lutz · Liz:Lutz eating at his desk during the writers meeting; 'Ay, pero ay Dios mio!'

Lutz:Deal or No Hobo?

Writer · Lutz:Didn't you bake us anything? / Hey, I thought you were gonna being snickerdoodles in. That's the only reason I showed up.

Lutz · Liz:I'm sorry that I said that. / Please don't make me move back to Alaska, Liz. I hate it there.

Liz · Lutz:Aw, Lutz, that's okay. I'm just glad you're here. / Aw, you got a face like a baby's bottom. / Poop!

Liz Lemon · Lutz:Liz to Lutz: 'Lutz, don't just stand there. Go eat something.'

Liz · Lutz:Ugh, Jenna, that guy is a baby. / Lutz? I'm Lutz.

Frank · Lutz:Lutz, come here. We should form an alliance. / A what? / An alliance. We're the two biggest dirtbags around here.

Lutz · Frank:I don't think people see me that way. / Yeah, they do. You and me. A couple of fat pervert losers. / My sister-in-law did kinda a makeover on me. I thought--/ No. No.

Frank · Lutz:Thanks, Judas. / I thought we had a deal. / You lie! / Who cares if you went to Harvard? Who cares?

Frank · Lutz:And I can't have booze because I'm on antibiotics after having some skanky club sex. He's on antibiotics because he lost his lucky penny and assumed it fell in his ear again.

Frank · Lutz:Shut up, Lutz. Your surgery was for an undescended testicle. Wrong again. It was for two undescended testicles.

Jack · Frank · Toofer · Lutz · Josh:What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon. Optometrist. Died. I never really knew my dad, so I just lie to myself. Space assassin.

Lutz · Jack:Can we get lunch from McDonald's today? / No.

Lutz:Lutz/writer: 'The whole thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas.'

Lutz · Liz:The cousin Stephanie walnut story that gets cut off: 'You know, if my cousin Stephanie eats a walnut her throat shuts up faster than a Filipino at a...' / 'Guys! Come on. Not okay.'

Lutz:Lutz hears 'donuts' and happily announces 'Awesome, donuts!' — then presumably gets pranked by the mouse

Jenna's fan · Lutz:The fan gives Lutz his phone number to pass to Jenna before leaving

Lutz:Cut to bachelor party at strip club: [sobbing] 'I don't wanna be here! I don't like it here! Who's this guy?' — Lutz crying at his own bachelor party

Lutz:God, are you doing this to me 'cause I took that blind guy's hot dog?

Lutz:Get it? I'm an Italian senator.

Toofer · Lutz · Pete:Good evening, we are Laugh of the Mohicans. Our first bit is the Hamburglar— NO!

Toofer · Lutz · Liz Lemon:Good evening, we are Laugh of the Mohicans. Our first bit is the Hamburglar— / No!

Lutz · Writers Room:The entire staff mistakes Lutz for the new guy. Lutz: 'What? No, it's me, Lutz. I've worked here for three years. I gave you that car I won. Come on.'

Lutz:Lutz: 'Mm-hmm.' (accepting the promotion excitedly) / then immediately: 'Too much pressure.'

Lutz:And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.

Frank · Lutz:♪ Oh, meat bowl of Verduke / you bring me such pizza ♪ [♪ meatbowl ♪]

Lutz:I don't care. Worth it.

Lutz:The Shell by me has good hot dogs. [All protest]

Writer · Lutz · Other writers:Lutz! Truffle-shuffle him! / Truffle shuffle! Truffle shuffle!

Frank · Lutz:Frank casually asks the writers' room if they know any 'cool, new sex positions' for his 'girlfriend' Karen's Valentine's visit

Lutz · Frank:'Oh, my God, Lutz. Are you still pretending Karen exists?' / 'She's real. Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?'

Lutz:Like, what if we trick him into kissing me? It'd be so funny because I'm not gay.

Lutz:This is the most friends I've ever had.

Jenna · Lutz:Jenna: 'So maybe your problem is that you're finally being treated like everybody else.' / Lutz: 'So what? Look at Italians. We're always portrayed either as goombahs or guidos, but we don't care because we're successful members of society.'

Writer (Josh/other) · Lutz · Miho:Hey Lutz, this is my mom, Miho.

Lutz:I didn't know you were adopted.

Liz Lemon · Lutz:Oh, God, Lutz, why? What? I don't want tush lines.

Lutz:Lutz wearing bike shorts with visible 'tush lines' in hopes of appearing on camera

Ensemble · Lutz:Well, he's slow and a coward. / I'm not useless. I mean, I've got a car.

Lutz:It's like a reality show where you guys get to compete for a seat in my car by proving how much you like me.

Lutz:Look at all of you trying to impress me. I feel like the Bachelor. But, uh, whom shall I give my rose?

Lutz:I don't really have a car.

Writer · Lutz:Hey, buddy, I made you an apocalypse road trip mix. / I hope your car has a CD player. / It has two. And it has flames on the side.

Writers · Lutz:Wait. It's in New Jersey? / How are we getting to New Jersey? / You're going to drive us, obviously. / What am I gonna do?

Lutz:But now I do have a car, so everything's like it was before. It's all like it was before!

Writer · Lutz:And if you guys don't go along with this, Lutz will play Xbox Kinect with his shirt off again. / [Star jump! I found the chrysalis!]

Abby · Lutz:Oh, I am desperate for male attention, because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz. / And I shall protect her.

UPS Guy · Lutz:Is there an Abby Flynn here? / That's her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her!

Liz Lemon · Lutz:Lutz, what are you working on? / Breathing through my mouth so I don't smell the throw-up on my shirt.

Lutz:I would take my shirt off, but I visited my rescue chimp for his birthday last week, and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it, and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.

Lutz:Breathing through my mouth so I don't smell the throw-up on my shirt.

Lutz:I would take my shirt off, but I visited my rescue chimp for his birthday last week, and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it, and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.

Liz · Lutz:Lutz, what are you doing? / Don't look at me!

Lutz:I did it! I spoke! / This didn't get mailed.

Frank · Lutz:Speaking of trapped, I got you, Lutz! / Nope. Grenade. Blowing myself up.

Frank · Toofer · Lutz:No, I see you. I'm killing myself. Respawn. / Respawn. / Damn it!

Lutz · Kenneth:Aah! Redire ad abyssum! Princeps tenebrarum! Ow! It's me, Lutz.

Lutz · Jack:Jack tries to blame the gift mix-up on 'the machines.' Lutz: 'Ha! It was Jack! Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes. He's just like us. He's no better than I am. He's just got a suit.'

Jack · Lutz:Jack: 'He looks scared, like Lutz on an escalator.' Lutz: 'Twinsies!'

Jack · Lutz:'You thumb with a wig, those gifts were supposed to go to the 60th floor.' / 'Good job, Jack. Blame it on an albino. Classic, 'cause it works.'

Lutz:Lutz: 'Yesterday, I ate all the cheese out of the mouse traps.'

Lutz · Postal Worker:'Hey, baby, what's wrong?' — Lutz tries the line; the woman he approaches is actually a postal worker who just made a delivery and destroys him: 'You're gonna tell me about black lady hair, you Louie Anderson little bitch? Run!'

Lutz · Frank · Liz:Lutz hits on Liz with 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?' Liz's reaction; Frank: 'About time. The last six years has been like watching Moonlighting.'

Liz · Lutz:Liz's realization: 'I'm female Lutz.' Lutz: 'I love you too.' Liz: 'No, I mean... I'm my own worst enemy.' / 'Also I menstruate a lot.'

Frank · Tracy · Lutz:Frank's Valentine's payoff: 'Worse than me trying to send a fax.' / 'I spent Valentine's with friends. / We are work acquaintances at best. At worst, we are rivals who inspire and try to make each other better.'

Tracy · Frank · Lutz:'Now let's go get some tiny meatballs.' / 'Meatballs, here we come!' / 'Meatballs!'

Lutz · narrator/game result:I'm playing two timber and one brick to build a bridge and establish a trading post in Midgar. / That failed... And the Orcs raped everybody.

Lutz:Kellan, why?

Lutz:It's all made up, Jenna. Kellan Lutz isn't my son. He's my grandnephew and we're very close.

Lutz:In five years, I'll probably be dead and no one will even notice, and yes, this is my second attempt at writing my self-evaluation.

Kenneth · Lutz:Kenneth mentions Lutz getting nervous on live TV and throwing up. Lutz: 'Oh, I had a lobster roll and two yogurts.'

Lutz · Liz Lemon:My grandnephew Kellan Lutz, from Twilight, is visiting me. He's in my office. / I have tolerated your pathological lying for six years. If you speak again, I will kill you.

Kellan Lutz · Lutz:Great-uncle? / Momma's baby is out of 'marsh-mal-lows.' / Sweet grandnephew, I've been warming more 'marsh-mal-lows' for you in the pocket of my dungarees.

Cerie · Lutz · TGS staff:The Blimpie's/lunch picker conflict: Cerie reveals it may be Season 8 alphabetically — the new picker would be 'A'...

Lutz:Lutz reveals his name was written on flypaper: 'I wrote it on flypaper. I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!'

Lutz:Lutz changed his name to 'Aardvark' to be first alphabetically.

Lutz · TGS staff:Cut to: a single puppy. Just a puppy. The staff stares.

Lutz:Lutz's emotional Blimpie's monologue: '...Dumb, old, uncool, part-Inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz!'

Lutz:Lutz: 'And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!'

Lutz:Lutz reveals he wrote his name for the lunch pick on flypaper — 'I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!'

Lutz:Lutz has changed his name to 'Aardvark' to be first alphabetically

Lutz:Lutz's speech: 'I was Lutz — dumb, old, uncool, part-Inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz!'

Lutz:Lutz: 'And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!'

Lutz:Lutz's prophecy: 'And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!'

Lutz · TGS writers:The Lutz/Blimpie finale: food arrives but it's cupcake sandwiches from Cerie's order; writers celebrate, then Lutz runs in covered in Blimpie's food — the writers scatter screaming 'Cover the food!'