Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001

To catch a predator, the XFL halftime show, Storage for broken copier equipment, And now... Dealbreakers.

♪ I'm a star ♪ ♪ I'm on top ♪ ♪ somebody bring me some ham ♪

You're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.

I have to go back into space, Liz. I hope you enjoyed the kissing, followed by my genuine interest in that TV dance competition.

What? No, go away. This is my fantasy, Pete!

I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies. It looks terrible.

Thank you! But you don't know what it looks like, because of the door!

Wow, she finally figured that out.

Oh, my god. I bet she put Charlotte up to this.

My mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle.

Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. 'cause no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.

Come over here and check out my corner. - No trap. - What? Come over here, I said... In my normal tone of voice.

and not the one I got from eating batteries.

I mean, havin' a daughter's Like goin' to the nba all-star weekend. It changes you. Makes you want to take your wife to the doctor.

I said 'click' to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.

Why are you handcuffed to the bookshelf I built for my husband?

There was a better kid's birthday party up the street!

Your hair did? You just got your hair did! You have to get your hair did again?

Maybe we could un-did these handcuffs.

Oh, cracker! - Racist!

Now, it's not about who I like the most or who's the funniest, so it's Toofer.

As Tennyson wrote, 'I mete and dole unequal-' No, never mind. Lutz, you want it?

Too much pressure. Writers who never talk, Anyone want a promotion?

My first act as leader, I'm telling them to take down the Internet firewall. We can surf porn again.

I.M. Adouche? - I am a douche?

Our health care costs are way down since we started putting something in the coffee to keep women from getting pregnant.

Worse than me in capri pants... Which you'd think I'd be able to pull off 'cause I'm tall.

like me at the provincetown flogging festival.

Moron says what? - What?

What's that? I want it! I forgot why I originally came in here!

Sure. I know him from the secret black people meetings.

Nah, I'm just kiddin'. He's not invited.

EGOT is not a person, T.J. It's a goal. It stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony, Four awards that Thomas planned on winning in his career.

That's a good goal for a talented crazy person.

I can't wear contacts 'cause the doctor says my eyeballs are too pointy.

What if we change your name to Veronica St. Pierre? No, that's too much.

Your hair... Is fine.

I got us all this 'EGOT' necklace for me.

and especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.

This machine is a genuine... 'Lasig'?

Dear, Dr. Spaceman, thank you for your submission. The New England Journal of Medicine does not publish X-rated cartoons.

Well, why not? It's so frustrating. But at least I heard it from a friend.

But you know what? I'm not supposed to have sex with my patients.

Your hair is... Fine.

Very funny. I'm not Liz!

They're all composers.

♪ I've started already ♪

Oh, actually, I got three haircuts. The first two made me look nuts.

Hey, do I say the word 'camer-ah' weird? Camer-ah.

Okay. Don't try to move the body yourself.

Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on camer-ah. You're vulnerable. You're exposed.

Not anymore. You've created two lizzes, Regular Liz and performer Liz.

Treat her like The New York Times treats its readers.

You've just never seen my reading glasses before, which I have to wear to read your dumb sketches.

And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me, Even though the guy could see me running.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my office trying to have it all!

Great, and smile. With your mouth.

Wave like a human being. You remember waving?

Are you spinning a basketball?

Are you spinning a basketball?

The, uh, gobos are really moraying, right, pete?

F.E.M.A. Paid for these flowers because your show is going to be a disaster.

F.E.M.A. Paid for these flowers because your show is going to be a disaster.

I got a tattoo that says 'freedom' in Chinese, And for what?

You're better at this than Oprah.

I fully understand the irony of what I'm about to say, But I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out!

How could five of the most popular musical styles all played at once sound so bad?

Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?

In the end, the police chief turns out to be the bad guy. I didn't say I wasn't going to see it.

I may as well let banks play out one of his gay home invasion fantasies on me.

And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!

That's why Arlen Specter had to change parties.

That's why Arlen Specter had to change parties.

Wait! Is that a daytime Emmy? - It still counts. Girl's gotta eat.

Colored man, put it back. Put it down.

I've always wondered why you guys don't take the door off its hinges.

Your audience has spent the last hour listening to Kenneth tell cleaned-up versions of Garrison Keillor stories.

Hey, buddy, your hair looks nice. - Don't try those tricks on me!

I could have had it all, But you had to ruin it With your thinking!

You should kill yourself!

This is how I cry now, ever since you made me get that off-brand eye surgery.

♪ baby girl ♪ ♪ you're the missing piece ♪ ♪ the perfect fit ♪ ♪ baby girl ♪ ♪ you're the product of doing it ♪

Damn it, Tracy. That's what's in your heart?

I won't be around a lot, 'cause I'm 'EGOT'-ing.

We're lucky people laugh when I say stuff.

And from now on, whenever a television is on in the background of a Sheinhardt-Universal soap opera, You will be on it.

I'm gonna be on TV on TV!

I found it on the beach. That's me again.

What is this TV show? It's very distracting.