James 'Toofer' Spurlock

Liz Lemon · Toofer:'Yeah, or, like, a big coffee dispenser.' / 'That's what a samovar is.'

Toofer:Toofer's reaction after being corrected by Tracy: 'Wow. That was embarrassing for you.'

Tracy · Toofer:Toofer opens a bottle: 'Good gravy. This is a Dunwoody '62.' Tracy: 'It's for you. Take it, my friend.'

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy and Toofer doing impressions: 'What's the deal with pudding? I'm Bill Cosby. Jell-o! Sweaters!'

Liz · Frank · Toofer · Writers · Jack:The writers' room is having a spontaneous one-minute dance party to Chamillionaire when Jack Donaghy walks in and they freeze.

Frank · Toofer:What's really sad is that while she's in this fragile state, none of her friends are messing with her head. I think we should do something about that.

Frank · Toofer:It's like shooting fish in a barrel. / Yeah, if the fish have daddy issues.

Jenna · Toofer:I have this fantasy of sneaking up to the roof of 30 Rock, and we make love while looking out at the city -- / Okay, let me guess. You figured out Frank and I lied to you, so to get even, you're trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there.

Jenna · Toofer:I have this fantasy of sneaking up to the roof of 30 Rock, and we make love while looking out at the city-- / Okay, let me guess. You figured out Frank and I lied to you, so to get even, you're trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there.

Toofer:Frank, there are large pockets of African-American culture that Caucasians know nothing about. The stigma of drag is one of them.

Toofer:We never would have stooped so low on Black Frasier.

Toofer:Black Frasier scene: 'Niles, this Beaujolais is impeccable. It's both fruity and precocious.' / 'That's not the only thing around here that's fruity and precocious.'

Toofer:What? It was huge on BET. Every Thursday night at about 9:00 or 9:15.

Toofer:Think about it, Tracy. All the best African-American comedians refuse to do drag. Chris Rock doesn't do it. Dr. Cosby doesn't do it. Bernie Mac doesn't do it 'cause he'd be ugly as hell.

Liz · Toofer:Izzle. 'A suffix that can be used to take the place of anything.' / Well, now you're just being patronizzle.

Tracy · Liz · Toofer:I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. / We're not even speaking the same language. / That's right. I'm speaking English.

Toofer:That's my Harvard a cappella group the Crocodillos. I had a solo in Like A Prayer.

Toofer · HR rep · Tracy:Mr. Jordan called me... the N-word. / And? / And I was really offended. / Because... / Because it's a racial slur. / Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.

Tracy · Toofer:I want you to be my brother, my homeboy, my n-- [Toofer cuts him off]

HR rep · Tracy · Toofer:Whoa! This meeting is adjourned. / No cool, homie! / You might as well spread me down with a fire hose. / Just sounds so hateful coming from you! Ugh! I wish to file a complaint.

Dr. Snoo · Frank · Toofer · Tracy:What else can we not call each other? / How about sweaty greaseball? / Ooh, very good. That's highly offensive. / Person of color. / Guess if you say it like that. / Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch. / Ho-ho! Yes! These words are terrible.

Toofer:It's Dr. Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.

Tracy · Toofer:Like professor Martin Luther King said, I have a feeling. / It's Dr. Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.

Toofer · Tracy:You can't call someone that if you've never read the book! / What book?

Tracy · Toofer:That's it! This is it. This is the sketch we should do. Right here, you and me! This is deep stuff goin' on. We gotta write this. / You're right.

Toofer:Okay, he's right, this is funnier. (Toofer, watching the Star Jones sketch instead of the race relations sketch he championed)

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy's autobiography is due tomorrow — he just found out what today's date is

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy: 'How many pages do we have now?' Toofer: 'Five.' Tracy: 'Make the letters bigger, Toof.'

Toofer · Tracy:Tracy's Wikipedia-sourced autobiography: 'According to Wikipedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984. / I have no memory of that. Write it up.'

Toofer:'I remember that. That video was raunchy.'

Toofer:Toofer: 'I remember that. That video was raunchy.' — stated casually about a children's Christmas song

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy's 2007 autobiography origin story: 'It was early January 2007 when I got the idea to write my autobiography. So I took a meeting at Random House...' — the editor says no, Tracy says 'Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.'

Tracy · Toofer · Frank:Tracy's autobiography completely breaks down — they reveal they went to Random House and the editor said 'No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you. We do not want your book.'

Frank · Toofer:Marry, boff, kill — Beyoncé, Paula Abdul, and Oprah. / Dude, that's beyond easy. Boff Beyoncé, kill Paula, marry Oprah.

Frank · Toofer · Jenna:Marry, boff, kill — Cerie, Liz, and Jenna. / Marry Liz, get with Cerie, kill Jenna. / I can hear you!

Toofer:Bone Osama bin Laden. To shame him. And then his own people would murder him.

Toofer:Marry Martha Stewart. 'Cause, you know, she seems like a dirty bird.

Frank · Toofer · Kenneth:Kenneth, this is your chance. Cerie digs you. / Cerie said she would do it with you. / Well, that just makes me perspire.

Toofer · Tracy Jordan:My great-great-great grandfather was one of the few black men who had achieved an officer's rank during the Civil War. This is a picture of him shaking hands with Ulysses S. Grant. / Yeah, let me check that out. / I think he's shaking hands with Robert E. Lee. / Dude, your relative fought for the South.

Tracy Jordan · Toofer:That's messed up. / See? Now you know what I'm going through.

Tracy Jordan · Toofer:I found a biography on your ancestor. It's called 'Confederate Monster: The Tobias Spurlock Disaster.'

Toofer:The barn that John Wilkes Booth hid in belonged to Tobias Spurlock.

Tracy Jordan · Toofer:I want you to write it. / Okay, what's the movie? / It's the story of Thomas Jefferson, only thing we're gonna do it like Norbit, where I play all the parts. / That's actually hilarious. / It's not a comedy. It's a drama.

Pete · Toofer:Pete to Toofer: 'Hey, take that off. You didn't go to Harvard.' Toofer: 'I went to Harvard.'

Toofer · Pete · Frank:Toofer produces the Signet Society pin, Pete produces the same pin from his pocket, Toofer says 'Oh, you mean this pin?' — and Pete points out 'Your lame thing is on his pants.'

Frank · Toofer:Frank's mom is invoked in the hat insult; Frank defends her: 'My mom's a great lady.' Toofer: 'Was it her greatness that made your dad leave?'

Frank · Toofer:Frank/Toofer feud: 'If we give up our feud now, we'll be ridiculed. Remember when Lutz cried during that diamond commercial? It'd be worse than that.'

Frank · Toofer · Josh:Frank and Toofer's feud is resolved because Josh got a frohawk: 'Hey, look who bailed on their lame feud.' — beat — 'Dude, you got a frohawk, man. Do you think you're better than us?'

Josh · Frank · Toofer:Josh: 'It's not even my normal barber. My mom did it.' The writers: 'Dr. Haircut!'

Toofer:This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak, and only then will we make our decision.

Toofer:I've watched seven different people die in subway stations.

Toofer:Toofer's contribution: 'most African Americans don't understand that diabetes is caused by sleeping on your back.'

Jack · Frank · Toofer · Lutz · Josh:What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon. Optometrist. Died. I never really knew my dad, so I just lie to myself. Space assassin.

Toofer · Lutz · Pete:Good evening, we are Laugh of the Mohicans. Our first bit is the Hamburglar— NO!

Toofer · Lutz · Liz Lemon:Good evening, we are Laugh of the Mohicans. Our first bit is the Hamburglar— / No!

Toofer · Liz Lemon:Toofer begins quoting Tennyson: 'As Tennyson wrote, "I mete and dole unequal-"' / Liz: 'No, never mind. Lutz, you want it?'

Toofer · Frank:I don't know. Maybe because one of us still hasn't read the other's screenplay. / I read it. I just didn't like it.

Frank · Toofer:Toofer's Valentine's Day solution: go out with Frank and a janitor with 'messed-up teeth' who 'will only go out with me if she can bring her ugly sister'

Toofer:Surculus et pruna. Surculus et pruna.

Toofer · Frank:Surculus et pruna is the motto of the Twig and Plums. And their motto is, 'Above all, be boring.' / Twig and Plums is a Princeton secret society, and Jack is clearly a member. So if someone says 'Twig and Plums' in front of a member, he has to find an excuse to leave the room, no matter what he's doing.

Jack · Toofer:But during the period of the '90s... / Twig and Plums! / Thank you, folks. Excuse me, I have tickets to a Harry Connick Jr. Concert.

Toofer · Jack:Twig and plums. / Excuse me, gentlemen. I have a, uh... veterinary appointment.

Jack · Toofer:I don't know who the hell told you to say that, Rossitano, but you have no idea — / Twig and plums. / I have to go to an intervention for my... travel agent.

Toofer · Liz:Toofer to Liz: 'Earlier today, Tracy made the accusation that I am the beneficiary of affirmative action.' / Liz: 'Yeah, well, Tracy is a buffoon.' / Toofer: 'That is a 15th-century term for a black pirate! Racist!'

Liz · Toofer:Liz: 'Toofer, you are an invaluable member of our team.' / Toofer: 'Then why are my paychecks a different color than Frank's?'

Toofer · Liz:Toofer: 'I am about to utter two words a Harvard man never says.' / Liz: '"I'm cool"? No, I'm sorry. You can't set me up like that. Don't quit.'

Toofer:Toofer returns midway and explains: 'Liz has invited me back as a budgeted employee. Apparently, I am the only one among us who can spell.'

Toofer · Pete · Tracy:Toofer returns: 'Apparently, I am the only one among us who can spell.' / Pete: 'Welcome back, James.' / Tracy: 'Hang on, who's James?'

Toofer · group:Toofer surrenders: 'Okay, fine, fine! Toofer. I'll just go back to Toofer.' / Everyone: 'Yay! Welcome back!'

Rutherford Rice · Liz Lemon · Toofer:The Right On cable show host introduces Toofer as 'James Spurlock' and Liz as 'someone named Elizabeth Lemon'

Rutherford Rice · Toofer:Toofer is awarded 'Right On's Arthur Ashe of the Week' — for being head writer for one day

Congresswoman Bookman · Toofer · Liz Lemon:Bookman asks Toofer how long he's been head writer. 'One day.' / 'And who is the real head writer of this show?' [long beat] 'I am.'

Toofer:I said time to end the charade and adjust my schedule to buy a new vase.

Jenna · Toofer · Tracy:I'm the hot blonde. / And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome. / And you're the R.A.

Toofer:Look at me. I'm Ogbert the Nerd. Always have been, always will be.

Toofer · Liz:My glasses are dirty. — Ogbert?

Frank · Toofer · Jenna:Writers competing to impress Lutz — 'Lutz is the best. / Nice feet, Lutz. / I like Lutz the most.'

Toofer · Frank:You never said you were in Lynn Onkman's class. Do you know the kid she had an affair with? No. Yes. I don't know. Shut up.

Pete · Toofer · others:Well done, sir. Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong... Yeah. If the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome. Standing ovation.

Toofer:With my degree, I can always go into architecture or medical nanotechnology... I'm sorry, I don't understand. Oh. I see. At Harvard, we call them 'concentrations'...

Frank · Toofer:I distracted you, and you died. Game over. / No, I shot my bazooka at the ground to kill myself 'cause Toofer had me cornered. Now I respawn and start over.

Toofer:I'm wearing a diaper, like a baby would.

Liz · Frank · Toofer:Unbelievable! You're still here? / It's still 0-0-0. / To 0.

Frank · Toofer · Lutz:No, I see you. I'm killing myself. Respawn. / Respawn. / Damn it!

Jack · Toofer · Phillie Phanatic:Scotch fountain, Phillie Phanatic: 'Toofer, put that glass down. That scotch fountain obviously was not meant for you. Phillie Phanatic, get away from him.'

Liz · Toofer:You're the man who took professional boudoir photographs and then tried to mail them to Parade magazine columnist Marilyn Vos Savant. I happen to think that smart is sexy. Our foreplay would be puzzle-solving.

Toofer:He is estranged from his son Kellan Lutz from Twilight.

Liz · Frank · Toofer:I want to be famous to make people love me because I hate myself. The Jenna I talk to at night in the mirror thinks I should kill myself. Also, I caused that Italian cruise ship to crash.

Frank · Toofer:We took photos of you and sold them to a garbage fetish website.