Anna Howard Shaw Day

Liz Lemon · Evelyn:'Valentine's Day is a sham created by card companies to reinforce and exploit gender stereotypes.' — immediately followed by 'Tommy Reticker gave me a card. I like Valentine's Day.'

Liz Lemon:'Learn from my sexual misadventures, Evelyn.'

Liz Lemon:'Last Valentine's Day, I watched my boyfriend, Drew's, mother/grandmother die.'

Liz Lemon:'I met Floyd on Valentine's Day, but he left me for the city of Cleveland.'

Liz Lemon:'And forget about Dennis. That pervert would always just try to get me drunk.'

Liz Lemon:Liz buys cookies but reframes them as celebrating 'the February 14th birthday of Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette'

Liz Lemon:'Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to us all!' — Liz says triumphantly to the hall

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack asks Liz which tie is more attractive for a TV appearance — the red — 'Thank you. I've got to look camera ready tonight.'

Liz Lemon:'No, C.N.B.C. gives me a headache. I get all my money advice from P.B.S. — Where should I put my money? In tech stocks? Or the housing market? — Tech stocks, Foxy Moneybags! Tech stocks!'

Liz · PBS Advisor (TV):No, C.N.B.C. gives me a headache. I get all my money advice from P.B.S. / Where should I put my money? In tech stocks? Or the housing market? / Tech stocks, Foxy Moneybags! Tech stocks!

Jack Donaghy · Jonathan:Jack's assistant Jonathan asks 'are you and I exchanging...' — Jack cuts him off with 'No.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's description of the intensity of Nancy: 'Like when you think there's one more stair, but there isn't. And all of a sudden, you're like "Whoa!"'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:'Frankly, I could use a win.' / 'A win? What's with the euphemisms, Jack? Why don't you just say you want some...' / 'Is that sex, Lemon?' / 'It's the way I do it.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's date system: Jonathan calls with a fake 'conference call with the Geneva office'; if Jack likes the date, he 'loudly tells Jonathan' he's doing something more important, the woman is 'suitably impressed,' and Jack is 'guaranteed to see some underwear. Perhaps a bra with a front clasp.'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, Jack. I will spend half the day in twilight sleep. Then I will go home and watch the Lifetime original movie, My Stepson is My Cyber-Husband.'

Jack Donaghy:'Wow, that is inspired. You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.'

Liz Lemon:Liz's comeback: 'Or I am that painting elephant of being awesome.'

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:Jenna reveals her stalker sends her Valentine's Day gifts and is concerned because she hasn't heard from him

Jenna Maroney:'It's a real problem in the celebrity community. But if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.'

Jenna Maroney:'Maynard's debilitating devotion validates how wonderful I am.'

Jenna:But what does it say about me if he's moved on? Maybe to one of my peers, like Julia Roberts.

Frank · Lutz:Frank casually asks the writers' room if they know any 'cool, new sex positions' for his 'girlfriend' Karen's Valentine's visit

Lutz · Frank:'Oh, my God, Lutz. Are you still pretending Karen exists?' / 'She's real. Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?'

Writers' Room:Another writer: 'My cousin set me up on a blind date for Valentine's, and I just found out the girl is... well, urban.' — 'Are you saying she's black?'

Frank · Toofer:Toofer's Valentine's Day solution: go out with Frank and a janitor with 'messed-up teeth' who 'will only go out with me if she can bring her ugly sister'

Liz:Wow, I can't believe you guys are letting Valentine's Day win. Not me. One word. Oral. / Two words. Oral surgery. I'm having oral surgery and skipping Valentine's Day. Doctor's orders.

Liz Lemon:'Wow, I can't believe you guys are letting Valentine's Day win.' / 'Not me. One word. Oral.' / 'Two words. Oral surgery. I'm having oral surgery and skipping Valentine's Day. Doctor's orders.'

Pete:Doctor's rules: someone must pick Liz up after anesthesia. Pete shares: 'When I had my wisdom teeth out, I tried to get in the bath with my mom.'

Pete:Pete's Valentine's Day tradition: 'Every year, Paula and I rent this big suite up at Niagara. Then she takes the kids there and I stay home and get wasted in my garage. It's what keeps the magic alive.'

Avery Jessup:Avery Jessup's immediate skewering of Walter Stein: 'Also joining me, Walter Stein, whose bow tie tells us he works for some liberal think tank. And the food in his beard tells us that he purchased a snack pack on the train from New Haven.'

Avery Jessup · Jack Donaghy · Walter Stein:The Hot Box rapid-fire Q&A: 'Who will be the next President?' / 'Mitt Romney's oldest son, Jezba.' / 'Dennis Kucinich.' / 'Okay, that's sad, Walter. Just sad.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'Blackberry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffett.' — speed dial answers

Jack Donaghy:Jack's favorite movie: 'Tie, The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.'

Walter Stein · Avery Jessup:Walter volunteers his movie: 'My wife and I just saw The Yellow Handkerchief.' / Avery: 'Just sit a couple out, Stein, god.'

Jack Donaghy · Avery Jessup:Jack and Avery bond over karaoke: Jack does Nitty Gritty Dirt Band; Avery 'rocks the brothers Halen' — 'Let's grab a drink after this.' / 'You read my mind.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's Valentine's Day: 'Angie and I rent a room with a heart-shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to a soup kitchen. And that's where it starts to get sexy.'

Jenna:Can't talk, Liz. I just got my stalker's work address from his parole officer, and I'm going to confront him about why he's ignoring me.

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's Valentine's Day plans: 'I will be attending an all-day abstinence rally. You're welcome to come. I think I've got an extra gender-neutralizing hood.'

Liz Lemon:Liz passes someone in the hall: 'Hey, Liz!' / 'Hey.' / 'The answer's no.'

Jenna Maroney · Maynard:Jenna confronts her stalker Maynard: 'Has the dog who gives you your orders died?' / 'No, Brandon's fine.'

Maynard:Maynard tells Jenna he's quitting stalking her: 'I have a new therapist. I'm taking my meds. I can't even see electricity shooting out of your head anymore.'

Jenna Maroney:'I always knew this would end someday. I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.'

Jack Donaghy · Date:Jack's date: 'Choate, then Yale, then two years in Africa with the Peace Corp.' / 'The Peace Corps, that's surprising.' / 'Oh, no, The Peace Corp. Lawrence Peace's corporation. We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack casually mentions he 'learned to talk to gorillas when I worked for G.E. Medical. We are going to test poisons on you.'

Jack Donaghy · Date:Jack's date: 'I think it started when I walked in on my parents doing it the day Reagan was shot.' / Jack: 'I wouldn't over-analyze that.'

Date:One time, I ran over an old lady in Arizona and just kept driving.

Avery Jessup:Avery sees through the conference call move: 'It's 3:30 in the morning in Geneva, Jack. Who's your call with? The hooker working the corner outside Raiffeisenbank?'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's recovery: 'Well, it is February. And in Switzerland, that is, uh, "Night Business Month".'

Avery Jessup:Avery: 'Look at me, Jack. Look how my body goes with this dress. I don't need to be dealing with amateurs.'

Frank:Frank's Valentine's plans: 'That cleaning lady finally agreed to go out with me. We're going to pick up some pierogies and then eat them at her husband's grave.'

Frank:Frank's taunt: 'You thought you were so much smarter than us, didn't you? But now, you're in the exact same crappy Valentine's Day boat everyone else is in.'

Frank:'In fact, yours is worse. If you don't get that tooth fixed, the infection will probably move to your brain and kill you.'

Liz Lemon · Frank:Liz: 'Yeah, well, if I die, my ghost is going to haunt you.' / Frank: 'Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Avery sent Jack a watch set to Geneva time as a 'next move'; the note reads 'hopefully you won't make the same mistake again, mon se poivre' — 'That means "my salt and pepper" in Swiss French.'

Liz Lemon:'She was on Maxim's "I'd Rape That 100"'

Liz Lemon:'The male escort that I hired to take me home from surgery has had a chlamydia flare-up'

Grizz · Dotcom:Grizz and Dotcom are asked to 'pretend to be bouncers' for the TGS VIP room. Dotcom: 'Maybe someday we'll live in a world where you ask us to pretend to be scientists.'

Liz · Jack:Ooh, she's getting the Jack Donaghy 'A' game. I hope she can keep her clothes on. / Lemon, your hair looks very nice today. You should wear it like that more often. / Oh, my. Well, I... never, uh...

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:Jenna holding Maynard's first letter: 'Jenna, I was in your bedroom last night. I left a gift in your toilet. You will be my bride someday.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth: 'Oh, how can you be upset about losing a guy like this, Miss Maroney?'

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth:'He's the longest relationship I've ever had. Except, of course, for Doug.' / 'Please do not say what Doug is.' / 'Doug is my vibrator.'

Liz Lemon:Liz calls the doctor's office: 'I don't have anyone to pick me up. And I will be leaving alone.' / 'Ma'am, you really need someone.' / 'No, I don't. I don't need anyone. Because I can do every single thing that a person in a relationship can. Everything. Even zip up my own dress.'

Doctor's Office:The doctor's response: 'You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Such as monologues.'

Jon Bon Jovi:Jon Bon Jovi asking 'Arena rock anthem, power ballad?' when Jack says he needs a favor for a date

Jon Bon Jovi:Bon Jovi's response to being used as a prop: 'Oh, sure. That sounds like an appropriate use of my time and talent.'

Jon Bon Jovi · Liz Lemon:Jon Bon Jovi reading the liability release aloud: 'I, the undersigned, henceforth known as "The Alone," hereby state that on February 14th, I have absolutely no one in my life.'

Jon Bon Jovi · Liz Lemon:The release continues: '"Jane Sadwoman" release Dr. Kaplan's office... Will likely die alone, eaten by house cats.'

Liz Lemon:Liz's plan after refusing to sign: 'I just tell them that my boyfriend is going to pick me up. And then, after the surgery, I'll make a run for it.'

Jon Bon Jovi:Jon Bon Jovi's karaoke commercial: 'I'm Tyke Myson, baby boxer. I wrote that.'

Liz:Because my boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter, will be picking me up. On his motorcycle.

Liz Lemon · Maynard:Post-anesthesia Liz singing 'I Will Remember You' in the waiting room while Maynard — Jenna's stalker — is also there

Liz Lemon:'I don't think the "anastacia" actually "affectored" me.' — Liz's post-anesthesia speech

Liz · Floyd:Oh, my God. What are you doing here? / We knew you'd need a ride home. / What do you mean, 'we'?

Liz Lemon:Post-anesthesia Liz to Drew: 'So handsome. So, so stupid.'

Liz Lemon:'I am a sailor on the sea of the human heart.'

Jack Donaghy · Dennis · Floyd:Jack: 'Okay, this bitch is tripping her ass off.' / 'What do we do with her?' / 'I got a date tonight. I say we order her some pizza.' / 'Yes!' / 'and lock her in here for the weekend.'

Liz Lemon:Liz, still drugged, to Bon Jovi on the phone: 'What's that, Bon Jovi? You love me too?'

Jack · Avery Jessup:Hey, do you want to grab breakfast? / You're sweet, Jack. But let's not pretend this is anything more than it is.

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'A son I can throw a ball to and, when he's older, have power struggles with.'

Jack Donaghy · Avery Jessup:Jack on the phone: 'I need to go.' / Avery: 'Jack, the phone trick again?' / 'This isn't a trick. I have to pick up a hallucinating employee of mine from the oral surgeon's office.' / 'Well, that's at least creative.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'Cancel your walk of shame. Come with me on a car ride of proof.'

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth Parcell:Jenna finds the 'gift' of having her car vandalized: 'Oh, my God! Who did this?' / Kenneth: 'I don't know. I guess some weirdo out there loves you.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / I don't know what you're talking about. / Happy Valentine's Day.

Liz (post-anesthesia) · Jack · Avery:What hotel is this? / Would you just keep an eye on her? I'm going to turn down her bed. / I was sure he was making this up.

Liz Lemon:Liz, still drugged in bed, talking to Avery: 'Yes, you're a very pretty doggie.'

Jack:No, no, no, no, no, no. Lemon, it's time for bed. It's time for bed.

Shanice · Friend:The final scene: two women at a restaurant, one says 'Don Cheadle on a bed of rice.' The other: 'No, she didn't. She didn't.'

Shanice:Final line to camera: 'Happy Valentine's Day, no one.'

TV character:You see how she try to act like she don't want one? Uh-huh. You know she going to come back in here crying when she can't kill a water bug.