Future Husband

did I put a toaster waffle into my D.V.D. player?

You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, then you turned it off

You kept trying to order home massages off of craigslist

Hey, somebody order a massage? / Oh, brother. / You're too late! I already killed her!

If the pervert community gets wind of morning jogging, God help us

How could a company from Philadelphia buy a company from New York? That would be like Vietnam defeating the United States in a ground war

It means the book is filled with cubes of knowledge

Because a woman's brain has fewer folds / The Negroid musculature...

On his way to work, he found some magic beans, and because he believed in them...

Just like that movie I only saw the first 10 minutes of- Fatal Attraction

He could wear a thumb ring

Everything always works out for the best

I just threw my wallet out the window

A future Tony-nominated actor

I'm doing a one-man show. / Tonight. / What am I, a nerd? I'm going to keep it loose

Maybe we are legend. You're Will Smith and I'm the dog

I'll tell him it's a guy I'm having sex with

Rhubarb, rhubarb, golf. Prostate

But if anything should happen to me, I want you to read, Oh, the Places You'll Go at my funeral

I've had this pamphlet printed up. It was expensive, but I'm really tired of discussing this with you

He has some gum recession. Four-pockets on 14 and 15. But overall, very good teeth. Especially for an Englishman

Well, If that's how you feel, then you're not really a patient. And people who aren't patients don't get toys from the treat bucket

But there's a Batman in there! / Yeah, and if you wind him up, he swims in the bath

Late at night, these two, little, twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever

It's as if 'Claps-Giving Yay Harade' has lost all meaning

Five hours

I've been petitioning for them to add a category for Living Theatrically in Normal Life

Honey, I'm home! / Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! / Jeffrey, we lost the tournament!

Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement?

It keeps me from... Hee-haw, hee-haw! Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell

Even if he does come from a country that's nothing more than the dried husk America came out of

Like when Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest. Or when Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him

So here's da ting. You need to come in today so the doctor can check dem teeth, mon

You're going Irish! / Cool runnings, mon. Bobsled

Stay away, I will bite you! Hee-haw!

Because it's romantic and I'm really good at it

Back to work!

Do you think it was easy for me to cut ties from my old mentor, Pat O'Brien, after he shaved his moustache?

Do you think it was easy for me to cut ties from my old mentor, Pat O'Brien, after he shaved his moustache?

Which is the song that I sang to Don at his promotion dinner

If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again

And without my wallet, I don't even have my lucky rabbit's spine

Why, with a curtain five hours from now, it would take the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen to make his show a success. Fine, I'll do it!

Bobsled.

Can you tell me why you come up on my phone as 'Future Wife'?

Wow, this is not interesting

Well, British people have notoriously bad teeth, so... / I've never heard that

Like when they say older women have breadback. / What's breadback? / The loaf of back fat between a woman's bra and her giant underwear

You use that word too much

Hiding him in your freezer. Just like we did with Hiram Sheinhardt during the R.C.A. deal

And if you need to pass some eye water, I'll be happy to go out and get you some weakness tissues

We were so awkward that the waitress gave us separate checks without asking. And a priest came over and asked us who we'd lost

Sometimes, everything is just the worst, Kenneth

They're selling N.B.C. to a company called KableTown. With a 'K'

Oh, yeah, my parents have KableTown down in Pennsylvania. It's a fine and generous company

That's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all around the world

It's the Hug Plane coming in for a landing? You're cleared for approach

Got it, no farting

After me. / No, Tracy. / No, stop it, not this part. / No, stop it. / Up. / We've got to start over. / I farted

Well Guards. Guard your well... well

You were a fat baby

Go out there and be yourself. Go on stage and read the damn phone book, for all I care!

No, this is not possible. / But it is. / I knew my wallet would turn up. And it did

Oh, I am either very happy right now, or I'm having a pretty bad donkey spell

Do you like Tex-Mex? / No, I don't. / See you there

According to my sources, the clear frontrunner current G.E. executive, Jack Donaghy... with the programming experience, business savvy, and piercing, blue eyes of a Siberian husky

I'm going to celebrate by buying my lady friend that necklace she pointed out and then, cooking her a Western omelette

And then, I'm going to braid your hair

[Tracy reading phone book names on stage] Klarsfeld, Rubin M. Klarvet, Yuri...

Bravo! It's a triumph!