Future Husband

Jack · Liz:Jack asking if he put a toaster waffle into his DVD player and watched it for an hour, then declared Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it

Liz · Masseuse:Liz reveals Jack was trying to order home massages off Craigslist, then a man appears at the door saying 'Hey, somebody order a massage?'

Liz:Liz shouts 'You're too late! I already killed her!'

Jack:Jack on women jogging: 'Almost exclusively women that look like me. If the pervert community gets wind of morning jogging, God help us.'

Jack:Jack on CableTown: 'How could a company from Philadelphia buy a company from New York? That would be like Vietnam defeating the United States in a ground war.'

Jack:Jack opens Don Geiss's book 'Geiss Cubes' to random pages and reads: 'Because a woman's brain has fewer folds' and 'The Negroid musculature...'

Jonathan · Liz:Jonathan's excuse for Frank: 'On his way to work, he found some magic beans, and because he believed in them...' — then gets cut off with 'Ship up.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz finds 'Future Husband' in her contacts and has zero memory of how it got there

Liz:Liz: 'I don't know what he looks like. He could be a serial killer. He could wear a thumb ring.'

Jenna:Jenna's motto: 'Everything always works out for the best'

Jenna:Jenna throws her wallet out the window to demonstrate that 'everything always works out' — then looks confused when asked how that demonstrates anything

Tracy:Tracy cannot remember the name of the network for a promo — 'Watch TGS this Friday on... on...'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy declares himself 'a future Tony-nominated actor' mid-promo and announces he's going for the T in his EGOT

Jack · Jonathan:'Maybe we're the last people on earth. Maybe we are legend. You're Will Smith and I'm the dog.'

Jack:Jack fakes being in a meeting by saying 'Rhubarb, rhubarb, golf. Prostate.'

Jonathan · Jack:Jonathan says if anything should happen to him, he wants Jack to read 'Oh, the Places You'll Go' at his funeral; Jack flatly refuses.

Dr. Kaplan · Liz:Dr. Kaplan has had a pamphlet printed up because he's 'tired of discussing' the cheese question

Dr. Kaplan:The dentist describes the mystery man's teeth: 'He has some gum recession. Four-pockets on 14 and 15. But overall, very good teeth. Especially for an Englishman.'

Liz · Dr. Kaplan:Dr. Kaplan refuses to share more information citing 'doctor-patient confidentiality' — Liz says he's not really a doctor — and he responds: 'Then you're not really a patient. And people who aren't patients don't get toys from the treat bucket.'

Kenneth:Kenneth slept at the office because his keys are in Jenna's lost wallet; he reports that 'two little twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever'

Jenna:Jenna slept in the office and was visited by 'two little twin girls who told me they wanted to play with me forever'

Jenna:Jenna sees a rave review about Tracy and dismisses the pun 'Claps-Giving Yay Harade' — 'It's as if Claps-Giving Yay Harade has lost all meaning'

Tracy:Tracy announces he's a Broadway star and asks Jenna to accept his Tony on his behalf — then says June is tough because he starts lifeguarding again

Jenna:Jenna explains she knows Tony rules because she's petitioning for a category: 'Living Theatrically in Normal Life'

Tracy:Tracy demonstrates he 'never does the same thing twice' with rapid-fire random lines: 'Honey, I'm home! Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! Jeffrey, we lost the tournament!'

Jenna:Jenna suggests Tracy find another T for his necklace — 'Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement?'

Jonathan:Jonathan sings a little song to himself while downloading Geiss's schedule: '# Jonathan downloads Geiss' schedule / Mr. Donaghy will be grateful #'

Liz · Kenneth:Liz has a 'donkey spell' — she makes donkey sounds in public — because she didn't fill her prescription

Kenneth · Liz:Liz's description of the mystery man: 'he is English and he made me laugh' — then Kenneth's enthusiastic response about England being 'the dried husk America came out of'

Kenneth:Kenneth justifies deception for love using: 'Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest' and 'Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him'

Liz · Kenneth:Kenneth calls Wesley doing a fake Caribbean/Jamaican nurse accent that gradually goes Irish

Liz:'Cool runnings, mon. Bobsled.'

Kenneth:'Bobsled' — Kenneth says it as a standalone word after hanging up, apparently to reinforce the Jamaica theme

Liz:Liz has another donkey spell immediately after completing the call: 'Stay away, I will bite you! Hee-haw!'

Jack · Avery:Avery rejects Jack's romantic offer to braid her hair; he insists 'it's romantic and I'm really good at it'

Jack:Jack barges into the CNBC newsroom shouting: 'Hey, CNBC! Nightly News rules! Go break a story, Williams! Nightly rules!'

Jack:Jack demonstrates how Geiss taught him to command a room: 'Back to work!'

Avery:Avery says she cut ties with her old mentor 'Pat O'Brien, after he shaved his moustache'

Jack · Avery:Jack defends his mentor loyalty: 'I have spent 30 years trying to be that guy.' Avery: 'But you're never going to be! Because no one is! That world doesn't exist anymore!' Jack: 'You're making me sound just like my mother!'

Jack:Jack says he's going to Connecticut to 'stand by my man — which is the song I sang to Don at his promotion dinner'

Jenna:Jenna: 'If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna refuses to help Tracy — then when Kenneth says it would take 'the greatest acting coach the world has ever seen' — she immediately says 'Fine, I'll do it!'

Wesley:Wesley arrives at the dentist's office and says 'Bobsled' to the receptionist after being told to sign in

Wesley · Liz:Wesley reveals his phone shows Liz as 'Future Wife' — implying he also named her that while under anesthesia

Wesley:Wesley's story about why he was at the dentist: caused by an infection from 'off-brand toothbrush bristles' he bought 'over Christmas because my mom threw away my old Snoopy one'

Liz · Wesley:Liz mentions British people have notoriously bad teeth — Wesley claims he's never heard this

Wesley:Wesley introduces the concept of 'breadback' — 'the loaf of back fat between a woman's bra and her giant underwear' — claiming it's a common phrase

Wesley:Wesley: 'Not to you, no.' (responding to Liz saying 'People don't say that')

Jack Welch · Jack:Jack Welch reveals Don Geiss has been dead for three weeks and they've been 'hiding him in the freezer — just like we did with Hiram Sheinhardt during the R.C.A. deal'

Jack Welch:Welch reveals they hid Geiss in his freezer 'just like we did with Hiram Sheinhardt during the RCA deal'

Jack Welch:Jack Welch offers 'weakness tissues' so Jack can 'pass some eye water'

Jack:Jack refuses to cry in front of Jack Welch — specifically 'Neutron Jack'

Liz:Liz reports that the coffee date was so awkward 'the waitress gave us separate checks without asking. And a priest came over and asked us who we'd lost.'

Jack · Liz:Jack delivers the devastating line: 'It's over, Lemon. It's all over.' — then reveals Don Geiss is dead and NBC is being sold to KableTown, 'with a K'

Liz:Liz: 'Oh, yeah, my parents have KableTown down in Pennsylvania. It's a fine and generous company.'

Liz:In the middle of Jack's emotional breakdown about his career dreams, Liz asks: 'Will I still be able to turn in old cab receipts, or do you think—' then catches herself

Jack:Jack: 'That's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all around the world.'

Jack · Liz:Jack announces the Hug Plane is 'coming in for a landing' and gives Liz 'clearance for approach'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's acting lesson begins: she says 'Acting is about consistency and control' — Tracy immediately says 'Got it, no farting'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's elocution exercise: 'Repeat after me.' Tracy says: 'After me.' Jenna: 'No, Tracy.' Tracy: 'No, stop it, not this part.'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's elocution tongue-twister: 'To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock...' — Tracy immediately destroys it: 'To sit in darkness in a sharp, shock shop in darkness in sitting in sharp.'

Jenna:Jenna reveals her first acting job was as 'Baby Stuck in Well' in a commercial for 'Well Guards' — tagline: 'Guard your well... well.'

Tracy:Tracy responds to Jenna's childhood acting story: 'You were a fat baby.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth asks Tracy if he can repeat his performance — Tracy mishears it as an echo of his own voice

Liz · Wesley · Kenneth:Wesley arrives at 30 Rock because Kenneth found his wallet — Liz reacts with utter disbelief: 'This is not possible.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I am either very happy right now, or I'm having a pretty bad donkey spell. I'm okay. It will pass.'

Liz · Wesley:Wesley and Liz agree to give it another shot — Liz asks if he likes Tex-Mex; he says no; she says 'See you there.'

Avery:Avery's news report describes the frontrunner for running NBC as having 'the piercing, blue eyes of a Siberian husky that the job requires'

Avery:Avery quotes Jack on-air: 'I'm going to celebrate by buying my lady friend that necklace she pointed out and then cooking her a Western omelette'

Jack · Avery:'And then, I'm going to braid your hair.' — Jack says this on-air through Avery's news report

Audience:Final audience reaction: 'Bravo! It's a triumph!'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy's second one-man show ends to thunderous applause: 'Bravo! It's a triumph!'