Tracy Jordan

Tracy:Tracy to the NBC tour group: 'How do you feel, NBC tour? 'Cause you look good, like a solid gold candy bar!'

Tracy:Tracy to a female tourist: 'Where else do you have those piercings on your body?'

Pete · Tracy:Pete criticizing Tracy: 'within his remunenerative body of work there's just nothing of value' — then Tracy's actual stand-up: 'Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt.'

Tracy:Tracy's stand-up clip: 'Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'I'm just surprised he's still got his shirt—' Tracy immediately removes his shirt mid-sentence.

Jack · Tracy:Jack to Tracy: 'You have to teach me that handshake one day.'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy to Pete: 'You smoke weed, right, Pete?' Pete: 'Uh... No.' Tracy: 'Yeah, me neither.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'It's good to see you too. 'Cause that means I'm not fired anymore.' Tracy: 'I wasn't gonna mention that.' Pete: 'But I did. And now I'm talking about it.'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy to Pete: 'Relax your balls, Pete.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack introduces every single person in the writers room to Tracy — including 'Rupert Murdoch. Melinda Gates. Ziggy from the cartoon Ziggy. Anthony Pellano. Heidi Klum. The guy that sleeps with Heidi Klum.'

Tracy:Tracy's character pitch: 'Got another character named Ching Chong, who loves to play Ping Pong. I just made that up right now. 'Cause that's how I flow.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy suggests: 'I thought me and you could play Seinfeld and Bill Cos--' Liz cuts him off: 'No. I don't like that.'

Tracy:This man's a genius. / Let me just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me.

Tracy:Got another character named Ching Chong, who loves to play Ping Pong. I just made that up right now. 'Cause that's how I flow.

Tracy:Tracy corrects Toofer's grammar: 'Unh-unh. Superman does good. You're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.'

Tracy · Jenna:Right, Jenna Mulvaney? / Maroney. Rhymes with Baloney.

Tracy:A crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'And Toofer's just afraid of black people.' Tracy: 'Which one is Toofer?' Liz: 'The black guy.'

Tracy:Tracy's reaction after learning he was on monitors: 'Well, that just confirms all my suspicions.'

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'Let's crash my car to see if the air-bags go off.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I got a solid gold jet-ski. Two Batmobiles. The AIDS monkey's bones...'

Tracy:Tracy hosting: 'Welcome! Welcome to your fantasy!'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I've taken this boat to Miami, Tokyo, Denver.'

Tracy · Liz:Liz asks what 'Avanti Domani' means. Tracy: 'Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy to Jenna: 'I read your interview in Amtrak Magazine.' Jenna: 'Really? You saw that?' Tracy: 'Did you know that all the writers in that magazine are also conductors?'

Jenna · Tracy:Yes, how did you know that? / I read your interview in Amtrak Magazine.

Tracy · Toofer:Toofer opens a bottle: 'Good gravy. This is a Dunwoody '62.' Tracy: 'It's for you. Take it, my friend.'

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy and Toofer doing impressions: 'What's the deal with pudding? I'm Bill Cosby. Jell-o! Sweaters!'

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'That doesn't even sound like the Cos.' Tracy: 'I'm gonna go lay down.' Pete: 'Got you on that one, man. He got you again, man. Get better references.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and a chicken container.'

Tracy:Poker night? I love poker! I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts... Crazy 7, Albuquerque Freak-Out, One-Card Stud.

Writer · Tracy:Yeah, I don't think those are real games. / Whatever. Get ready to get took.

Tracy:OK, I got my chair. I got my beer. I got my lucky doughnut.

Jack · Tracy:Donaghy, what up? / What up, Tra?

Tracy:This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, 3 is a jinx, 5s are 25.

Tracy · Jack:OK, Rain Man, tell me what I got. / Well, you have two of your cards backwards, actually.

Tracy:Damn, Jack, you went all-out. That's a giant shrimp. Made out of shrimp and diving into a bowl of shrimp.

Tracy:I'm tired of losing. I'm gonna let my boy Dot Com play a hand for me.

Tracy:You know, the doctor said I have four hearts in my body?

Tracy:Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Tracy:I want nachos. From Yankee Stadium.

Tracy:Dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes.

Tracy:Tracy's philosophical speech about freedom and the law as preamble to sending Kenneth on an errand.

Tracy:Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va-jay-jay.

Tracy:That thing ever goes missing and gets into the public water system, we don't know each other.

Tracy:Tracy storms in outraged about a tabloid calling him 'Normal.' 'Libel, Liz Lemon!'

Tracy:Tracy explains: 'It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks when, actually, I'm doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks.'

Tracy:Tracy continues: 'And I don't even know whose dog that is. Yes, I steal dogs. What is the problem?'

Tracy:Tracy's escalating logic: 'I can't be normal! If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor. And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!'

Tracy · Onlooker:'Star coming! Wall hug, everybody!' — Tracy enters and everyone plasters themselves against the wall. An onlooker says 'He seems like such a nice, normal young man.'

Tracy:Tracy unveils a face tattoo of a 'biblical dragon from outer space' and claims it was 'for the good of the show.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.'

Tracy:Tracy's face tattoo is revealed to be drawn on with a Sharpie: 'Oh, it is fake! Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. A movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy explains: 'And then what about next week when you don't have it anymore?' / 'I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed. Ba-boom! That's another Not Normal.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.' Liz: 'Nuh-uh.' Tracy: 'Wayne Brady has three Emmys.' Liz: 'You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.' Liz: 'First of all, I'm not from Whiteville. I'm from White Haven, and it's not as nice as it sounds.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow?'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'Tattoo's fake, Donaghy. Fake.' Jack: 'Street cred. He's a genius.'

Conan · Tracy:Tracy's previous Conan appearance flashback: 'You seem like you have a nice chemistry...' / 'I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy's pitch: 'Me and my wife like to play rape. She goes in the bathroom and does her hair. Then I put on a ski mask...' / 'Okay, not that.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding dong.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I can tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone. I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy...'

Tracy:Tracy: 'My hair hurts.'

Tracy:Tracy insisting the phone is ringing when there is no phone ringing: 'Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing! Ring! Ring!'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan. And not the minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Who's that dude? / Uh, what dude? / The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.'

Tracy:Tracy is found in a prop closet, apparently on the phone — 'Yes. I am having problems with my cable television. Yes, I will hold.'

Tracy:Tracy interrupts his crisis moment to take another call: 'Excuse me, I have another call. Hi, mom. I am doing fine.'

Tracy:Tracy's full breakdown: 'I'm bugging out! I'm bugging out!' repeated while apparently bouncing around the room.

Tracy:Blue man! That blue dude keeps following me! Meek, eep.

Tracy:Tracy, apparently hiding from 'Past Pete': 'Past Pete is here to kill Future Pete!'

Tracy:Mr. Blue man. You're gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man! / Blue man, where your feet at?

Tracy · Liz:Tracy appears on stage, immediately takes off his pants, and has to be physically wrestled into a chair while Liz and the crew shout 'Pants on. Pants on. Sit in the chair, buddy.'

Tracy:Yeah, it's pretty good. But I think the boobs should swing more. Yeah, then I could go: 'Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!'

Frank · Tracy:Dude, that Shamanda character was the best thing of the night. What was her line? Say it again. / Rodney! Don't make me come over there and beat on you with my boom-booms!

Tracy:You stole a franchise from me! Shamanda could have been a movie!

Tracy:Our comedy gotta do more than make people laugh. Gotta make people think. I wanna hold a mirror up to society, and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Tracy:Are you black?

Tracy:Are you black? (Tracy's response to Liz's Sleestak pitch, followed by a long pause)

Tracy · Liz · Toofer:I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. / We're not even speaking the same language. / That's right. I'm speaking English.

Tracy:Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks.

Toofer · HR rep · Tracy:Mr. Jordan called me... the N-word. / And? / And I was really offended. / Because... / Because it's a racial slur. / Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.

Tracy:Yes, Toofer. You see, in the last decade or so, the African-American community has re-appropriated that word as a way of depriving it of its meaning.

Tracy:It's okay for us to use it with each other. You can call me that. It's a term of endearment.

Tracy · Toofer:I want you to be my brother, my homeboy, my n-- [Toofer cuts him off]

HR rep · Tracy · Toofer:Whoa! This meeting is adjourned. / No cool, homie! / You might as well spread me down with a fire hose. / Just sounds so hateful coming from you! Ugh! I wish to file a complaint.

Dr. Snoo · Frank · Toofer · Tracy:What else can we not call each other? / How about sweaty greaseball? / Ooh, very good. That's highly offensive. / Person of color. / Guess if you say it like that. / Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch. / Ho-ho! Yes! These words are terrible.

Tracy · Toofer:Like professor Martin Luther King said, I have a feeling. / It's Dr. Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.

Tracy:Ah, dude wear khakis. Uncle Tom, party of one.

Toofer · Tracy:You can't call someone that if you've never read the book! / What book?

Tracy · Toofer:That's it! This is it. This is the sketch we should do. Right here, you and me! This is deep stuff goin' on. We gotta write this. / You're right.

Tracy:Everybody at this party is a Jedi. We must get our freak on while our fruit is a-plentiful.

Tracy · Liz:How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? Hi, I'm Liz Lemon! I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

Liz · Tracy:I don't skateboard. / Hurts, doesn't it?

Liz · Tracy:Tracy, stop tasering him. / See?

Tracy:This is untoward. This is not toward!

Jack · Tracy:For being so understanding, I'm sending you our new super top secret invisible motorcycle. / For reals? / [laughing] For realses.

Tracy · Liz:Bebe Jackson's condo? / No. / A children's clothing store in Dubai? / Stop guessing!

Tracy:Russian mobs, invisible motorcycles... Sex pooping.

Jack · Tracy:Jack on the phone with Maureen Dowd while Tracy interrupts him — Jack saying 'I miss you too' and 'You're breaking up' while Tracy is standing right there demanding money

Jack · Tracy:Tracy: 'I need $60,000, or I'm gonna lose my house.' Jack: 'Which house?' Tracy: 'I need $100,000, or I'm gonna lose both my houses!'

Jack · Tracy · Grizz:Jack: 'Who's your money manager?' Tracy: 'Grizz.' Grizz: 'Worldcom, man. Worldcom.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'You must know Arsenio. Hall or Billingham?' Tracy: 'You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'I know a gentleman who had a lot of crazy ideas. He was a carpenter. He wanted everyone to love one another.' Tracy: 'Oh, you mean Jesus?' Kenneth: 'No — Miguel from set design. He's over there.'

Tracy:Tracy exclaims 'Eurek-o!' after talking to Miguel

Tracy:The Tracy Jordan Meat Machine infomercial: 'Tired of your sandwich making you angry? Then behold the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine!'

Tracy:'Never again will you have to suffer through the bread part of your sandwich.'

Tracy · Ensemble:The Meat Machine chorus: '(all) Meat is the new bread! Uh-huh!'

Tracy:Second Meat Machine infomercial: 'Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you?' [pause for visual gag of someone struggling with a sandwich]

Tracy · Ensemble:Infomercial button: 'Bread will never maybe attack your brain again! Because with the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine — Say it with me now! (all) Meat is the new bread!'

Tracy · Kenneth · Jack:Multiple Meat Machines exploding grease, injuring Kenneth: 'Ow, ah! Cheese and crackers, that smarts!' / 'The grease burned me, Mr. Jordan.' / 'That one must be defective.' / 'They ALL must be like that!'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'We can't sell this... in the United States.' / Tracy: 'What?' / Jack: 'We simply have to find a market with lax safety regulations.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'How about the Ukraine?' Tracy: 'Not the Ukraine.' Jack: 'I own some property on the Dnieper River.' Tracy: 'In Volyn?' Jack: 'Closer to Cherkasy.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'I can't put my name on a product that's gonna hurt people.' Jack: 'That's disappointing. Although I admire your integrity.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'I gave the Meat Machine to Whoopi.' Jack: 'Goldberg or Billingham?'

Tracy:Cut to: Tracy eating from a Meat Machine and saying 'Food ball?'

Tracy:Tracy describing the party: 'They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz pointing out Tracy is on time to work for the first time ever, then Tracy revealing he never left the party — he's on a bacon run

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy's autobiography is due tomorrow — he just found out what today's date is

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Tracy's first task for Jack and Kenneth: 'I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.'

Tracy:Tracy's 1979 flashback narration: finding naked pictures of his mother under her mattress, describing her holding 'one of her boobs like this' and the Sonny visits marked by two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy: 'How many pages do we have now?' Toofer: 'Five.' Tracy: 'Make the letters bigger, Toof.'

Toofer · Tracy:Tracy's Wikipedia-sourced autobiography: 'According to Wikipedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984. / I have no memory of that. Write it up.'

Tracy:Tracy's Christmas album: '*Imagine Christmas wishes / Shooting out of your eyes / A candy cake / Full of snow dreams / A stocking full of smiles / It's a Jordan Christmas*'

Tracy:Tracy's autobiography ends with '...Woke up in the camper at the auto show, and that's how 2006 ended.'

Tracy · Toofer:Tracy's 2007 autobiography origin story: 'It was early January 2007 when I got the idea to write my autobiography. So I took a meeting at Random House...' — the editor says no, Tracy says 'Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.'

Tracy · Toofer · Frank:Tracy's autobiography completely breaks down — they reveal they went to Random House and the editor said 'No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you. We do not want your book.'

Tracy:Pete, there are two types of women in this world — one who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you, like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie.

Tracy · unnamed woman:I actually haven't met your wife yet. Hi. / That ain't my wife. Go get me a fizzy water.

Tracy · unnamed person:Samson! / Great shoving, Mr. Jordan.

Pete · Tracy:Pete suddenly acting dominant with the strip club woman — 'Mind your business, son!' / He's embracing his power. / [Growls]

Tracy:Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the Soho Grand, where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

Jack · Tracy:Just one quick one. / I got to be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00.

Jack · Tracy:Jack's pivot at the end of his 'love' speech: '...what are you doing tonight?'

Tracy:Tracy bursts in: 'Happy Valentimes!'

Tracy · Angie:This is the second-worst Valentine's Day we ever had.

Tracy:Happy Valentimes! [third instance — Tracy to camera or passersby]

Tracy:Yo, is this about that little red-headed intern? 'Cause she asked me to take it out.

Tracy:Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

Tracy · Jack:The dude from my checks.

Tracy · Ted:You need to hook me up with one of them helicopters. / Absolutely, I'd be happy to arrange for you to take a ride. / No, I don't want to get in it. I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

Ted · Tracy:Pleasure to have met you. / Damn straight. I'm delightful.

Tracy:You know the army's been messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff get in your hang, you're done.

Tracy:Hey, I feel you. Messed up sugar runs in my family too.

Tracy:This guy spends so much time in the sand that his nickname should be Fala-ser.

Tracy:How come you don't hire more black people around here? / How come there's no black people here? / Black people can't make light bulbs?

Tracy:Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

Kenneth · Tracy:I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College. / I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.

Tracy:I'm ridiculous. I'm black! I may even be ugly. But dear God... I'm here! I'm here! And nothing but them can keep me from it!

Jack · Tracy:Remind me, Tracy, what did you tell the president of Warner Brothers? / Told him he could suck it. / And the president of Paramount? / Told her she could kiss my delicious ass. / And how's that working for you?

Tracy:She looked like my Uncle Rupert in a diaper.

Tracy:We stayed up all night the night before watching bible movies and eating Fiddle Faddle.

Tracy:I don't have a daughter.

Tracy · Don Geiss:I call it 'Jefferson.' / A movie version of 'The Jeffersons'? / I love it. / No, Thomas Jefferson.

Tracy:I just recently found out that he went to town on one of my ancestors, so we're related.

Tracy · Don Geiss:You want to play Thomas Jefferson? / And Sally Hemings and King George. I'm gonna play all the parts.

Tracy:Did you know he had a lisp? / What's up, stupid jerks? I'm Thomas Jefferson.

Tracy:So we gonna need about $35 million to do this thing right. I'm gonna get us one of those big clocks, and I'm gonna hang it in there.

Kenneth · Tracy:Well, remember when Fat Bitch called all her dog friends together, and they used their high-pitched howling to mess... / You're right, K. I should make my own 'Jefferson' preview.

Tracy:Liz Lemon, you are my Alexander Hamilton.

Tracy:Hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I got to get rid of Freddie's erection.

Tracy:Freddie is playing the part of Thomas Jefferson's horse, Caractacus.

Tracy · Kenneth:Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest of? / Uh, President Jefferson, we got a problem.

Tracy · Jenna/Writer:Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest of? / President Jefferson, we got a problem. / Speakest.

Tracy · Kenneth:That horse ate your wig. / Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings. / Or we could probably just go get a new wig. / Aha, I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

Tracy:...inventor... / I shall call it 'Susan.'

Tracy:...Jungle Fever-Haver. / I am with child. What? / Will you free me and make me your wife? / Um, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

Tracy:This is for you, Don Geiss. [Tracy, in costume, breaking the fourth wall to dedicate the trailer]

Tracy:Then he offered me $7 million to reprise my role as Cocoa the Dog.

Tracy:ß I'm gonna get an iPhone ß / ß Everybody's gonna be jealous ß

Tracy · Kenneth:No, I turned him down. / It's like a roller-coaster ride of emotion in here.

Tracy:Your first order of business... Get that dead horse out of my car.

Tracy:It's gonna be at least $30 million with all the Claymation sex scenes in it.

Tracy:I'm gonna have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

Frank · Tracy:Bill Cosby hates you. / Why would he say that? What have I ever done to embarrass black people?

Tracy:The Black Crusaders. [conspiracy graphic/reveal]

Tracy:Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors. But Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell, and Gordon from Sesame Street, they're members too. And they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty.

Tracy:You can read about that on the interweb.

Tracy:They tanked 50 Cent's movie. They blew out Terrell Owens' ankle. And they canceled Eddie Murphy's Oscar, 'cause he ran out on Scary Spice.

Tracy:It's an anagram for 'Outlaw Sour Tray.'

Tracy · Liz:They want me to disappear like Coolio. / Coolio is around!

Tracy:Yo, Ken, I'm gonna use this whole kitchen area as my bathroom. Spread the word.

Tracy:I'm mad at you, Ken. I've seen the way you were looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

Tracy · Liz:Oh, no! Did a Korean person die? / No, Tracy. It's a wedding dress.

Tracy:Don't do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy's vanity license plate: ICU81MI — 'I see you ate one, am I?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Angie is in the past, like dracula and broadcast television.'

Tracy:Tracy's gold record for 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvah' — an evening with Tracy Jordan, Geffen Records. Partial lyrics: 'boys becoming men, men becoming wolves'

Tracy:Tracy woke up after only '11 or 12 hours of sleep' and has something on his 'mind grapes'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy asks Kenneth to go to his house and 'make love to my wife.' His home address is in the GPS under 'dacrib' — 'cause we live on Dacrib Avenue.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth returns from Angie's: 'I couldn't do it. This boy comes to the door, tries to kiss me, then he throws up and starts crying. My body wouldn't let me violate the sacred bonds of marriage, sir.'

Tracy:Reconciliation interrupted by Tracy: 'This grilled cheese has mayonnaise in it! What?'

Tracy:'I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.'

Angie · Liz · Tracy:The makeup artist puts makeup on Tracy and Angie reacts: 'Oh, hell no!' while Liz says 'Actually, he looks great. Thank you.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.'

Tracy:'The only way I could feel better about myself is to get booby-slapped by a coked-out Russian stripper.'

Tracy:Tracy returns and fabricates: 'My cobra, Ramses. He had got sick. So I took him to the vet. Then my thumb got caught in my butt, so I nodded my head until it came out.'

Tracy:Tracy immediately blames Liz: 'It was all Liz Lemon's fault! The whole plan was hers!'

Tracy:Tracy, now forced to act like an adult: 'Good-bye forever, Liz Lemon. Thank you for being my secretary!'

Tracy · Angie:Tracy intervenes and tells off Angie: 'You're controlling. You're manipulative. You're loud—' Angie: 'Tracy—' / 'I've never heard you talk like that before.' / Tracy: 'Wait, let me get the shirt off.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz interrupts Tracy and Angie's apparent reconciliation/intimacy: 'Okay, so just to be clear, does this mean Angie is leaving or—' / 'Oh, no! You guys start with that?'

Tracy:Who would have ever known there was so many words? It was like a Mos Def CD.

Tracy:We gotta start doing dog fights. I know it's repulsive and hideous. But it's the only thing Jack Donaghy told me I cannot do. So I gotta do it!

Tracy:Dog fighting it is. Make it happen.

Tracy:I'd watch that.

Tracy:What? No! You idiots! I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this?

Tracy:I don't need therapy. I'm just mentally ill.

Jack · Tracy:Tracy, what if I told you that the one thing you cannot do is therapy? / You're not my dad! We're doing therapy!

Therapist · Tracy:I'd like to hop right in and start with some role play. / Like my wife and I do? Cool. You be the maid. I want you to scream.

Tracy:Donaghy, you play the matador.

Tracy · Jack:All I know is he's from funky north Philly. He worked in a Campbell's soup factory. And he had a droopy lip due to an unattended root canal. / I think I can do this.

Jack · Tracy:The therapy roleplay scene spirals into Jack playing multiple characters (Tracy's dad, his mom, a white stepfather, a Latina neighbor Mrs. Rodriguez) with increasingly absurd results

Jack · Tracy · Therapist:Hey, dummy! / I'm mad at you too. Why you gotta act out that way? / That's not exactly what I had in... / 'Cause you left me, dad! / I was young and confused and your moms didn't want me around no more. Now, pass me them damn collard greens!

Jack · Tracy:They got me. The honkeys shot me. / No, dad! Don't die! I love you, dad! / I don't wanna dog fight no more!

Tracy:Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all. And I need to stay the hell away from them.

Tracy:Happy halloween, baby.

Tracy:See, people are like lemmings. Harvey lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party.

Tracy:Hey fellas, I heard a secret about Kenneth's party. Ken went to high school in Georgia with the rapper T.I. And boys... T.I. might show up. But listen... we can't let anyone know. Anyone!

Tracy · Unknown:Yeah, and he's gonna perform. / And Fall Out Boy will be there too. / And there's gonna be foxy boxing! / Foxy boxing? I love foxy boxing! It combines my two favorite things: Boxing and referees!

Tracy:Kenneth, thanks for letting my cousins come to your party.

Tracy:Somebody on my block is making waffles, and it's makin' me horny!

Kenneth · Tracy:Very low, sir. Very low. / I lost something real important. / [Kenneth starts yelling] Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

Tracy:Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

Tracy:Well, why don't you just do like I do and sell your autograph at the car show?

Tracy · Jack:I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub. / Oh, she would never do that, Tracy. She's a very special woman.

Tracy:Oh, I get it: Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans.

Tracy:Mm-hmm, I've been there. I'm Black, she's white. I'm Black, she's light-skinned Black. I'm Black, she's 17.

Jack · Tracy:I've gotta go somewhere, and I can't be seen, and cabs don't go there. / Sure, where is it? / Clinton's office in Harlem. / I know where that building is. I get my Jamaican meat pies there.

Tracy:Tell her you want your privates and her privates to do a high-five.

Tracy:Tell her her butt looks like an apple and you wanna take a bite.

Tracy:Tell her she's got some tig ol' biddies like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

Tracy:Tell her you want her to donate her body to science, and you are science.

Tracy:Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can fly?

Liz · Tracy:Liz declining the animals-only strip club invitation by asking: 'Does that mean the animals strip or the animals are the customers?'

Tracy:Animal customers? That's ridiculous.

Tracy:I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service.

Tracy:These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. They are poor as hell.

Tracy:No, no, no, no, no. These are not the dreams of winners. These aren't winners. They're 0-17.

Kid · Tracy · Kid:Damn! We supposed to be at the game right now. / 0-18! / That one's on Coach Tracy.

Tracy:Circle up sequence: Tracy trying to gather kids for practice while noticing a 'weird dude' and canceling practice when the dude leaves

Tracy:At our first practice, they asked me what the sun was.

Tracy:A world where orange soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk!

Tracy:Bush? Now, I don't want to go off on a rant here.

Tracy:You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

Tracy:You'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, 'Betrayal'... colon... 'What Really Happened With My Baseball Team'... comma... 'Disaster at Knuckle Beach'... question mark.

Jack · Tracy · Jack · Tracy:Tracy, I only wanted to help. But now things are out of control. We have two options. One, we can cut and run and betray the people that we made this commitment to. Or you and I can form a coalition. / No way, J.D. / Tracy, I thought you cared about these kids. / Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

Kenneth · Tracy · Tracy · Jack:But, sir, every one of them wrote you a letter asking you to come back. / Wow. / Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read them? / Tracy, I'll pay somebody to read them for you.

Jack · Tracy:One word. Surge. / That's two words!

Tracy:That one goes out to W.S. Churchill.

Tracy:Tracy storms in: 'Okay, enough! How long are we going to talk about this stupid award? We have more important things to worry about. Like where are the french fries I did not ask for? You guys need to anticipate me.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'It's not fair, Liz Lemon. Everybody wins awards but me. Even Shaquille O'Neal got a Kids' Choice Award for that animated movie we did.'

Tracy · Shaq:Cutaway to animated Shaq movie clip: 'Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.' 'It'll be a slam dunk!'

Tracy:Non-sequitur line from animated movie: 'Would you call what we did last night sex?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and nothing. I never win anything!'

Tracy:Tracy holds up a coffee mug his kids got him for Father's Day that says 'I'm a failure'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim. I spent nine months in Japan shooting Samurai, I-Am-Urai.'

Tracy:Tracy explains 'sharking' — running up on a lady and pulling her tube top down while a friend videotapes. 'It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Perfect. Just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentlemen's barge.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon know who keeps the lights on around here. But I couldn't do it without my background players.'

Tracy:Tracy offers to let Liz and Josh 'hold' his award, then says 'Then you can check out my award. Ha ha ha! Banter!'

Tracy:Tracy opens his acceptance speech: 'People of the Pacific Rim, how you feel?'

Tracy:Tracy thanks 'a very special blond lady — Shelley Long, you're truly an inspiration to me!'

Tracy:Karaoke, karate, and most of all... wanizame atakku! / Shark attack!

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up if Andy Dick calls.'

Tracy:Tracy worries about missing Ludachristmas, 'Nude Year's Eve,' and 'Martin Luther King Day' — 'All you do is drink!'

Tracy:Tracey was supposed to just sign community service papers but made them stop for breakfast first — 'So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York State? That's on me now?'

Tracy:Tracy lists the holidays he'll miss drinking for: 'Ludachristmas? Nude Year's Eve? Martin Luther King Day?' — 'All you do is drink!'

Tracy:Tracy's talking head about holidays without drinking: 'Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I thought she was, and I cannot play the guitar.'

Tracy:Tracy suggests cutting off his own foot to get around the ankle bracelet: 'Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot, and drink all I want!'

Tracy:Final title card/tag: 'It's a Jordan Christmas?' — ending on Tracy's ankle bracelet situation with a question mark

Tracy:Someone put too many farts in this engine! It's about to explode! / It's farting! It's farting!

Tracy:Liz Lemon, I'm gonna miss the show this week. Jack is sending me to do stand-up in Dubai. I'm gonna do jokes on airplane food. It's all new to them.

Tracy · Liz:He's the one I'm splitting the $3 million with. / You and Jack Donaghy are the cause of my jawline acne!

Tracy:This is a Cathy cartoon! Yeah, that cartoon copied exactly what you said the other day. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! Aack!

Tracy:If you decide to sue them, I know a good lawyer! Took me to the cleers last year.

Tracy:The truth will come out. Like my cousin Steven after he went to music college, it will come out.

Tracy:Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earth?

Jack · Tracy:Do you like lower taxes? / If I paid taxes, I sure would.

Jack · Tracy:How about gun ownership? / Go on.

Jack · Tracy · Dotcom · Jack:And let none of us forget the GOP is the party of Lincoln. / Lincoln was a Republican? / Actually, today's Republican party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority over the states. That's not exactly small government. / Dotcom, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting.

Tracy:Damn. The Republican party sounds pretty attuned to my unique way of life.

Tracy · Nixon's Ghost:It's purgatory, Tracy. / Richard Nixon? / I can't believe I'm dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different kind of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

Nixon Ghost · Tracy:We've lost some prestige because of the Bush administration. / And Watergate. / I'm trying to keep that on the DL around here.

Tracy:I got a mission.

Tracy:Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP. God bless that wiretapping bastard.

Tracy:I can't talk now. I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.

Tracy · Jack:My fellow blackmericans— / Can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as blackmericans.

Tracy:My fellow black Americans, Dr. King once had a dream, a dream that we all share: To build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

Tracy:I get it. The Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax.

Tracy · Jack · Tracy:No matter what, blackmericans are gonna always vote Democrat. / They will, won't they? / Unless... black people, don't vote. Just don't do it.

Tracy:In the amount of time it'd take for you to vote, you could play three games of pool. Three. And that's fresh.

Tracy:I'm Tracy Jordan, and I improve this message. Paid by the committee to reinvade Vietnam.

Tracy:Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Tracy · Liz:His music stick. / His flute.

Tracy:Visual gag: Tracy shows up to his son's school on 'Bring Your Dad to School Day' uninvited — the sign is visible as Tracy stands there awkwardly.

Tracy:If I'm such a bad dad, why are we all dancing?

Tracy:So that my children will respect me. Like be a senator. Or a wizard.

Tracy · Liz:Eureka! / What is it, Tra? / We should call Eureka! She always has good ideas.

Tracy:Yeah, I need to clear my thoughtcicles.

Tracy:Which one of my two favorite pastimes shall I indulge in? Video games or pornography!

Tracy:Visual gag: Tracy's two choices (video games / pornography) are displayed as title cards: 'THICK THIGHS / ARMY GAME OF DEATH'

Tracy:That's it! Make a porn video game!

Tracy · Pete:Tell it to me in Star Wars. / ...But down here we have a CGI storm trooper or Tom Hanks in the Polar Express. / I'm scared! Get me out of there!

Tracy · Pete:I'm like Mozart. / You're like that guy that was always jealous of Mozart. / Salieri? / No, thank you. I already ate.

Tracy:My genius has come alive, like toys when your back is turned.

Tracy:I see the potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup, this table... even you, Kenneth.

Tracy:Tracy bursts in: 'Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?'

Tracy:Tracy's porn video game title: 'Goregasm... colon... The Legend of Dong-Slayer'

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'Yeah, you fixulate this!' — then immediately apologizing

Tracy:Tracy accuses everyone of 'goofing off like a bunch of goof-offs' while standing in the middle of his porn video game production

Tracy · Liz:Tracy asks Liz 'You having your woman times?' — Liz starts to deny it, then realizes she's late

Tracy · Jenna · Grizz:Tracy directing the voice acting session: 'Warrior, you have defeated the snake-elf. Now join me in the orgy chamber. The poets will sing of this night.'

Tracy · Jenna · Grizz:Tracy to Jenna after stopping the session: 'Not you, Grizz. You're doing great.' while firing Jenna for bad acting

Tracy:Tracy's avatar sensuality direction sequence: 'Touch my cheek... chest area... little robot... butt... like it's a secret... knees-butt... feet with your knees'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy directing Jenna's sex sounds, then calling 'Let's take it again from the top. This time, let's record.' — revealing they weren't recording

Frank · Tracy:Frank has been playing Dong-Slayer for three months without realizing it: 'Dude, I played this thing for a couple hours. It's okay, I guess.' / 'Frank, you've been in your office for three months.'

Tracy:I still don't know how that advertised Tokyo University.

Tracy:But I'm gonna use this $300 to buy us all some boots for me.

Tracy · Frank:My video game is selling through the rizznoof! / Whoa, that's not slang. He has a speech impediment.

Tracy · Frank:I think I did it alone... and this check is the prizznoof. / Now that one was just him being obnoxious.

Tracy · Liz:To the Batmobile! / Don't worry, he's just leasing it.

Tracy · Frank:Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchucks. / I will use these only for good.

Tracy · Pete:For letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat. / Wow. / You're gonna get so much nice-nice in that you're gonna have to grow another ding...

Tracy · Liz:Now you look out for my girl, Liz Lemon. 'Cause me and her go way back, like spinal cords and car seats. / That's not really an expression.

Devin · Tracy · Devin:I'm gonna sue you! I'm going to sue the entire city of New York! I'm gonna sue you! / You can't sue me, I'm already being sued. / Double indemnity!

Tracy · Harry Anderson:Tracy reveals he went upstairs and threatened to refuse his role in the 'Universal Night Court movie' to force the uniform change — 'What's that now?'

Tracy:Daddy? ... It begins.

Tracy:Tracy: 'I'm afraid Angie will divorce me if I ever have enough money for her to live off of half. So, before she can get it, I have to spend it all on useless things, like gold shoes and Grizz and Dotcom.'

Tracy:When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young M.C. concert.

Tracy:I'll bring Angie in. But I'm going to tell her this is all your idea.

Tracy:Tracy: 'I'll bring Angie in. But I'm going to tell her this is all your idea.'

Angie · Tracy · Jack:Angie: 'Baby, I'm going to be with you until the very end. I'm going to watch you die, Tracy Jordan.' / Tracy: 'She's done it before, Jack.'

Tracy:She's done it before, Jack.

Tracy:Tracy: 'I've got somebody who's going to watch me die!' — delivered with pure joy

Tracy · Jack:There he is! I owe you, Jackie 'D'. When I'm on my death bed, Frenching my wife, I will think of you. / Please don't.

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'I don't want to die alone. And now, I don't have to. Because... I'm in love with my mother's nurse.' / Tracy: 'Now you have what me and Angie have. Minus the hypertension.'

Tracy:# Supersonic, idiotic, disconnected, not respected... / # Who would ever really want to go and top that... Top that...?

Liz · Tracy · Jenna:What is wrong with it? Is that a beak? / Yes! / No. / Yes!

Tracy · Liz:They said it was a flu shot. But I know it's really a truth serum. / It's not a truth serum. / Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today?

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:We decided we'd get them all hot soup. So, go do that. / All the other pages have gone home sick. I can't make any runs right now. Maybe... the two of you could go get the soup?

Tracy · Kenneth:I don't understand. / Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet -- / My what? / ...and go downstairs to the basement. / No. / ...then, you go to the soup place and bring the soup back up here. / With what? My arms? / ...make sure to take your ID's with you. / That would be the worst part!

Jenna · Tracy:Without the crew, we'd just be two amazing people succeeding in a vacuum. / Come on. Do it for them. / Yeah. For the crew. / Because it's their birthday.

Tracy · Jenna:Okay, we forgot about that. But we have a good reason. Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. / Nope. We forgot about that too. We went out shopping together. We had fun, though.

Tracy · Jenna:Okay, we forgot about that. But we have a good reason. Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. Nope. We forgot about that too. We went out shopping together. We had fun, though.

Tracy:I also want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually while we spend time together on this adventure.

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy. I've got it! / Give it to me! It's mine!

Jenna · Tracy:They don't need soup. They need medicine. And what's the best medicine? / Medicine? / Laughter.

Tracy:Attention, ladies and germs... ...and gentlemen.

Tracy · Jenna · crew:Really? Do you really think this is helping? [reaction from sick crew watching Tracy and Jenna perform] / Hey! Leave her alone! Yeah! / What? Why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz!

Tracy · Dr. Spaceman:Tracy reads his diabetes diagnosis off the chart, sounding it out as 'Dee-ay-butt-ees' before Dr. Spaceman corrects him.

Tracy · Dr. Spaceman:Tracy asks how bad diabetes really is; Dr. Spaceman says he could lose a foot. Tracy asks: 'Could I replace it with a wheel like Rosie from The Jetsons?'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy is wearing a practice wheel on his foot in preparation for losing it to diabetes.

Tracy:Tracy says there's 'no link between diabetes and diet' — calling it 'a white myth, Ken, like Larry Bird or Colorado.'

Tracy:Tracy closes the diabetes debate: 'Next, you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy arrives with what appears to be disgusting food — Kenneth looks disgusted: 'What's up with this disgusting stuff?'

Tracy:Tracy's genuine puzzlement: 'Through the stone?' — asking how the Hill Witch eats your brain after turning you to stone.

Tracy:Tracy announces he has 'so much energy my hand keeps dancing!' — his hand is moving erratically, an uncontrolled tremor he's interpreting as dancing.

Tracy:Tracy spots the omens of the Hill Witch: 'Oh, no! The signs! My desk is sideways! The Hill Witch approaches.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth gasps at his sideways desk (the Hill Witch omen) appearing — 'The Hill Witch approaches!' — cutting to Kenneth having staged the entire thing.

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth appears in a Hill Witch costume to terrify Tracy into eating vegetables: full crone makeup, shrieking 'Eat your vegetables!'

Tracy:You know it, Lady Broseph!

Brian (intern) · Tracy:'This honky grandma be trippin'.' When I quote lines from your movie, that's not racist?

Tracy:You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I'm in.

Tracy:Have you ever tasted Scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call 'box seats at the Rangers game,' it's so cold!

Tracy · unnamed writer:And what is Rohypnol? / Those are roofies! / So I shouldn't have taken two of them for my headache?

Tracy · Brian:There he is! Tonight, shooters at Blockheads, lay a base, meet up with my bro-hams at Cornell club? You know it, Bri-man! A'ight! / I have no idea what either one of us just said.

Tracy:Here come the roofies. You can do whatever you want to me.

Tracy:Shoot it, dog! I'm going to! I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth?

Tracy:It's like I said in my not-hit comedy Cruise Boat, 'I'm getting too old for this ship.'

Tracy:Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?

assistant · Tracy:That would be terrible. / You leave him alone!

Drew · Tracy · news anchor · reporter:Isn't that Tracy Jordan? / The Lehman Brothers investment bank will reopen under the direction of comedian Tracy Jordan. / I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old. / But you just told us you're old. / This interview is over.

Tracy:You know it, I've cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.

Tracy:'NGS Fridays at c-thirty on TB-10.'

Tracy · Larry King:But then he scores a basket, even though he's not a wolf anymore. We're here with Tracy Jordan, who just recounted, by the way, the entire plot of the movie Teen Wolf.

Tracy:Good. I'm glad I'm here. [Tracy, on Larry King, after being interrupted by breaking financial news]

Tracy:I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbuck.

Tracy:People will get mean, the streets won't be safe, it will be graffiti everywhere, and the movies are only cost three dollars.

Tracy:I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour but two weeks into shooting I was replaced by Jackie Chan.

Tracy:...calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.

Bill Hewitt · Tracy:The worst thing you could do at a time like this is to pull out your investments, don't panic, because I think that— Devil's avocado here, Larry, I think people should freak the geek out.

Tracy:It's what I've always done. I hide cash everywhere. At home, at church, even at work. In fact, I've hidden so much money that if some of it was gone I'd probably wouldn't even notice.

Larry King · Tracy:Now why would you say that? — I don't know.

Tracy:At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is gonna turn back into a high-powered rats, fighting over a human finger.

Tracy · Jack · Larry King:Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy, and that is an impostor. — Hang up! Hang up on him Larry! — I'm going to, but not because you told me.

Pete · Tracy:Hey Larry, first time caller, I adore the show— / Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere Larry, that's my friend Peter Frampton on the phone.

Tracy:Of course Pete, I hid my money in the safest place at 30 Rock. Without giving it away: the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place.

Tracy · Pete:I already told you, it's dry and warm, its top is hard but its bottom is soft, and although the location changes, it's always in the same place. There's nothing like that in 30 Rock, nothing. — I never said it was a 'thing.' It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock.

Larry King · Tracy:Tracy Jordan... a lot of people are calling you a 'fear monger,' and, I'm quoting here, 'an idiot.' What do you have to say for yourself? — Watch TGS Fridays at 10:30 on NBC! Word.

Tracy:Thanks for coming out! Thanks for watching! Love, peace, and hair grease!

Tracy · Kenneth:I don't have a birthday, Ken. What? I don't have a birth certificate because I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.

Tracy:And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.

Tracy · Jenna:And to think I was just calling y'all a bunch of racists. Aw... Stop... Jenna time.

Tracy · Crowd:My dad got us all seats for Opening Day at the new Yankee Stadium! Cerie! Cerie! Cerie!

Tracy · Kenneth:You were right, Ken. Birthdays are special. And now, mine is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again? Now, that warm, happy feeling is gone, there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey!

Tracy · Jenna:My birthday wish came true! I wished for you to get better. I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with RoboCop while that elephant paints us. We were close.

Tracy · Jenna:Now, let's make Miss Maroney's birthday wish come true! Oh, that's so sweet. But who would I celebrate with if y'all were in a car accident?

Tracy:50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half?

Tracy:There's two guys at my gym named Oscar.

Tracy:Do you want to buy half a watch? I have to pay my fine in cash.

Tracy:I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Ernest Borgnine whispered to me at --

Tracy:I guess 'F.C.C.' stands for 'Federal Bunch of Sticklers'.

Tracy:Now I'm off to appear on Martha Stewart Live. Ooh, it's going to be raunchy!

Tracy:Great news, Liz! I'm in a clinical trial for a military-grade anti-sleeping pill.

Tracy:The subject is unusually thirsty. [Tracy at a lab, being observed]

Dr. Vicki · Tracy:Okay. Uh... Now, let's try one where you're not... clawing at the window. / I don't think so, Steven. This feels more natural.

Tracy:All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss, Liz Lem...

Tracy:I don't need to stop being myself if I am the advertiser. I have the money. I'll just buy up all the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants.

Tracy · Announcer:Peace and love, Track Jordan. / A heartfelt apology from a comedy icon. / I do not apologize, America! I did not even write that apology! I am advertiser Tracy Jordan, and I approved this message.

Tracy · Jack:Is that 30 seconds, yet? / Nine? / Okay. Here comes the funcooker.

Tracy · Liz · Jack:Hey, America! Oh, Tracy. Please cover for them. Check out my funcooker! / Did he just say 'Funcooker'? / Oh. That's where I've heard that.

Tracy:Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan. My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them? Because they're out by the trash cans.

Tracy · Jack:Now that's got to be 30 seconds. / Nine?

Tracy:Here comes the funcooker! [Title card / final beat]

Tracy · Kenneth:Jerk chicken from that place in Mill Basin? And some... Catalog photos of expectant mothers in their swimming suits? You're my Radar O'Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet till you hear a chopper coming.

Jack · Tracy · Liz:Look, we got B.F.F. bracelets. You guys are best friends forever? That's not what that stands for.

Jack · Tracy:Tracy, I hope you know how much we value you here at T.G.S. I like to think of this staff as a family. This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow.

Tracy:Okay. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.

Tracy:I never thought of it like that. Thank you. I quit. Good-bye.

Jack · Tracy · Bill Cosby:Tracy, this is Bill Cosby. [Tracy:] Bill Cosby, you got a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette. [Cosby:] I think you're confusing me with someone else. [Tracy:] 1971, Cincinnati. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye.

Tracy:I'm the guy with the pudding... Try to tell me what to do? Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable... with your light-ass kids!

Kenneth/Cranston · Tracy:Hello, Studio 6-H. This is... Cranston. Oh, hey, Cranston. I was looking for Kenneth. He's not here. But I'm sure wherever he is, he loves you very much.

Tracy:# Fat-necked girl, let me count your neck rings?

Tracy:I'm thirsty! Family? Who's in charge of my thirst?

Tracy · Kenneth/Cranston:Cranston, why hasn't Kenneth called me back yet? [beat] I miss him! Cranston... why are you crying?

Tracy:All right, I guess that's everything. But I want you to know, if I walk out that door... Ken, I'm not gonna call again. It's over. You understand?

Tracy · Kenneth:So you used Cranston as his gatekeeper! I'm very disappointed, Kenneth. I know, I blew it. I guess I'm only farm-strong, and not heart-strong.

Tracy · Jack · Kenneth:Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken? Stay out of this, Tracy. It's not your concern. Unless? Unless what? You say Kenneth can't work here because I don't work here. But if I work here so can Kenneth. I don't understand. Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack... with Kenneth. Damn you and your meddling.

Tracy:Tracy's press release: 'I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and $30 million...'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'What is this, Horseville? Because I am surrounded by "neigh"-sayers. Wordplay. That is solid.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'When I was a kid, growing up in the projects, I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space. Of escaping the slums. Of killing an Ewok.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'At least it's a dry heat here in Florida.'

Pete · Tracy:The 'computer' (clearly a recorded voice) says: 'Good work, Astronaut Jordan. Now do 20 space sit-ups.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Computer, when do I get some Tang? Also... I'm thirsty.' [Laughs] 'Wordplay.'

Dot Com · Pete · Tracy:Dot Com: '"T" minus 10 minutes.' Pete: 'Quiet. Tracy is coming. Are go for launch. Star Wars.' Tracy: [Imitates Ewok]

Tracy:Tracy: 'I'm scared! But I'm also excited! [Laughs] Whoo! I'm lizzing!'

Tracy:Tracy (on fake space radio): 'Space is very cold, but very beautiful. And sometimes it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy sees Jack's Apollo toy through the porthole: 'Oh, my God! Where did you get that rocket? Mr. Donaghy is letting me hold it! It's awesome!'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon's in jail now. And somebody has to step up and take charge around here.'

Tracy:'Let the problem solving begin.' — Tracy declares this ominously before doing something clearly problematic.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show. John Adams.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy has replaced the fired professional dancers with women 'who were brawling in a parking lot an hour ago' — now presented as the new TGS dancers.

Liz · Tracy · others:Liz, back at TGS, sees the chaos and launches into a rant: 'You guys mess up everything you touch, and then I have to come in here and fix it.' — then immediately starts smiling and hugging them.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Why are you smiling? You're freaking me out.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Why are you smiling? / You're freaking me out.

Tracy:'She was working at the Dyker Heights Arthur Treacher's and I was residing there.'

Tracy:The anniversary gift options: 'It's either going to be a denim jacket that says "Hot Bitch" in diamonds... or a Slanket.'

Tracy:'You are wise, Liz Lemon, like a genetically-manipulated shark.'

Tracy · Liz · Elisa:Tracy gives Liz a gift — implied to be something absurd/inappropriate (a Puerto Rican flag or novelty item based on reaction) — then Elisa appears unexpectedly

Liz · Tracy:Liz wearing a Slanket: 'Liz Lemon, you dummy. I'm wearing it as a joke.'

Tracy · Liz:Angie wants a tattoo of her face on Tracy's chest — 'I can't have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs.'

Liz · Tracy:'What do you want me to say, Tracy... "I'm sorry I made it harder for you to cheat on your wife?"' / 'That's a start, Liz Lemon. That's a start.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Tracy rejects 'Tangiers' because 'I own a gay lion!' / Then Dotcom explains: 'The Moroccan national soccer team is the Lions. Tangiers is in Morocco. So, yeah, I guess I'm an idiot.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack tells Tracy his fiancée murdered her ex-husband for cheating; Tracy says 'Continue.'

Tracy:'Jesus is my stereo guy and The Wilderness is a club I took him to once.'

Tracy · Jack · Club woman:A woman approaches Tracy and his friend at a club: 'Hey, Tray, you and your friend want to party later?' / Tracy: 'Sure thing, baby. Give the kid a call, hmm? Holla.' — then hands her Jack's number

Tracy:Tracy's terrible secret: 'In the 20 years that I've known her... I've never cheated on my wife. There, I said it. Don't look at me.'

Tracy:'The partying is just for show... and because I'm a high-functioning alcoholic.'

Tracy:'So can you because I'm a ridiculous, unstable human being. What is wrong with me?'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy arrives without a shirt, explains 'No' to going home and 'at large' to his shirt's whereabouts

Tracy · Liz · Dotcom:Tracy reveals the tattoo — apparently a full-face portrait of Angie on his chest, with the lion makeover already done: 'Wow, that is one gay lion.'

Tracy · Jack:Jack visits Tracy, who says 'I'm practicing sitting.' Tracy is literally just sitting in a chair, practicing it.

Tracy · Jack:Tracy on why he never looked for his father: 'He's dead.' Jack: 'How do you know?' Tracy: 'Because I'm rich. If that man were alive he'd be living in my house and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I know you're hiding something from me, Jack. Let me guess — you bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won't sit in it.'

Tracy:Tracy reveals he has an illegitimate son who tracked him down, saying he felt 'shock, fear, and anger — like a dog in a sidecar when it detaches from the motorcycle.'

Tracy · Jack:'But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.' Jack: 'Thanks, Tracy.' [immediately after Tracy's heartfelt speech]

Tracy:Tracy announces his illegitimate son to the writers' room, saying he wanted to tell them before they read about it in next month's issue of 'Black Contractors and Booties' magazine.

Tracy · Jack:Tracy, addressing the staff about his son: 'Like a dog in a sidecar when it detaches from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.' Jack: 'Thanks, Tracy.' — exact repeat of the earlier exchange.

Tracy:'I knew about this boy three years ago, but I've been supporting him financially since then. I want to introduce you all — you sons of bitches — to my son of a bitch. My little Donald Jordan.'

Donald · Tracy:Donald immediately asks Tracy for $1,000 for 'something I need.' Tracy: 'As long as it's for something you need.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'Tracy, you're 39, right?' Tracy: 'Of course. Why would I lie about my age? I work in entertainment.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete tries to verify Tracy's age by referencing a Rob Base song, 'It Takes Two' — 'everyone our age knows that song, right?'

Tracy · Pete · Liz:Tracy sings 'It Takes Two' lyrics confidently: 'I'm a woman lover, I'm a girl lover, even ladies who never seen me love me' — Pete and Liz confirm this doesn't help because he's using it in a song.

Tracy:Tracy raps about himself using rhyme: 'I also rhyme when I'm on TV — and I don't know why, so let's go because it...'

Tracy · Donald:Donald says he's 21. Tracy: 'Yeah, son, that's what his birth certificate says — the one I printed out for him.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'He's 40, don't sign it.' Tracy: 'Okay.' Tracy: 'I was going to put it in a birthday card from birthday-cards-dot-com but you're right.' 'The card is enough.' 'Happy 18th Birthday.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon, I may hug strangers and get lost in malls, but I'm not a dummy.' Liz: 'Sorry, what?' Tracy: 'Why have you been giving him all this money then?' Tracy explains Donald reminded him of someone — 'John Travolta in Grease, and me.'

Tracy · Liz:Liz: 'What do you consider giving Donald money — charity?' Tracy: 'Call it what you want, but in the last three years Donald has gone from conning celebrities to having a small business. The martial arts academy is real. And the community center is thriving.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Did you know he bought a chess set with the 80 dollars Kenneth gave him? And a box of protective cups.' Liz: 'Those kids are so lucky.'

Tracy:♪ You take a hot dog / Stuff it with some jack cheese / Fold it in a pizza / You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, 'Thanks, Meat Cat!' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard.

Tracy · Jack:Well, before I made it as a stand-up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway. That's not a real job. Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?

Tracy:You know how on St. Bart's, people be eating their lobsters like this? [mimes eating lobster with upper-class affect]

Tracy:Don't look at me in the eyes!

Tracy:I better talk to Rabbi Shmuley about this.

Tracy:I blame you and Dotcom. You two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid boobie.

Tracy · Rolly · Dotcom:So Rolly, where are you from? Brooklyn. Right on, my brother. My dear friend, Moby, opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?

Tracy · Rolly:You ever lose your remote control? Yeah. And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on?

Tracy:I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?

Tracy:You've sheltered me too much. I'm going out on the street, and I don't want nobody to follow me. Nobody! Um... which one is the elevator I'm not afraid of?

Tracy:Hello, is anyone there? I'm in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he's a friend. Uh... Oh, never mind. There's a door, I'm out. Oh, it's sunny!

Tracy:Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is? Are you a large child or a small adult? You look regular. Can I guess your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Craigford? Is it Swimming? Are you a pre-op transcentaur?

Tracy:Are you a large child or a small adult? You look regular.

Tracy:Excuse me. Do you have change for a $10,000 bill?

Tracy:I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.

Tracy:Excuse me, sir. Do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire? Does anyone want to be my friend?

Tracy:I'm normal!

Tracy:Meet my new friends, 'Nobody', and his wife, 'Susan Walters-Hyphen-Nobody'.

Tracy:These... these are my people! Bucket drummers, if you are striking, so am I. Two, four, six, eight, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18.

Tracy · Others:Jenna Maroney is great! No new cast member! New what?

Tracy:[laughs] That's true, Liz is old.

Tracy · Jennifer M:They're gonna hire some skinny white guy. How is that a threat? You'll do your lady characters, and I will get onstage and people will laugh even when I forget my, um, my-- [line]. Lines.

Tracy:Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom. You know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play.

Jenna · Tracy:He's evil, Tracy. — He's evil Tracy? Oh, he's evil 'comma' Tracy. Go on.

Tracy:Dotcom? Oh, no. I once saw that guy become Trigorin at the Wesleyan Artspace. That guy is good. I can't compete with him.

Tracy · Grizz:If you are a funny gay man, please get into the car. I repeat, all funny gays into the car.

Tracy:Black people, I know I've said some terrible things about you in print. But I come here today on a mission of peace.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy: 'I hope he hates Toofer.' Kenneth: 'I hope he likes janitor hugs.'

Tracy:Tracy's Superman hypothetical: 'You can have the powers of Superman for an entire year, but you can only have one sexual partner for the rest of your life.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'When I first got big, I made bad business decisions too. Which is how I got stuck having to plug Wade Boggs' Carpet World five times whenever I appear on screen.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Wade Boggs' Carpet World. Wade Boggs' Carpet World. Wade Boggs' Carpet World.' (three times in rapid succession within advice)

Tracy:Tracy ends his entire advice sequence with: 'Wade Boggs' Carpet World.' — the fifth and final mention.

Tracy:Tracy describes Liz as 'special, like a black stripper with blue eyes.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy announces: 'From now on, I shall call us the Problem Solvers.' Then immediately: 'Yo Ken, do you have a problem that needs solving?'

Pete · Tracy:Pete and Tracy's advice to Danny: 'Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom. You're an actor now. You're special.'

Danny · Tracy:I don't even know where the bathrooms are around here. / It's not about the room, Danny. It's about the man. Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom. You're an actor now.

Tracy · Pete:Tracy and Pete realize their Problem Solvers T-shirts have each other's names on them and debate: 'Do you want to switch where we're standing, or switch our T-shirts?' 'Just to be safe, let's do both.'

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'You're not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.' [after Pete relays Jack's message awkwardly]

Tracy · Liz:He's in love with me? / What? No. He burned me on dealbreakers.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Nah, introducing you to Scottie probably wouldn't solve your problems with Jack.' Liz: 'Jack who? Set it up.'

Tracy:Pete: 'All white people look the same to me.' (said by Tracy, about not knowing what Scottie Shofar looks like)

Scottie · Tracy:Tracy starts the Superman hypothetical again. Scottie Shofar interrupts: 'Superman? I've done hot yoga with Tom Welling and Dean Cain, and I don't think they're right for this.'

Tracy · Pete:The Problem Solvers' infomercial: 'Do you have a problem? Then call the Problem Solvers. Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawlspace? Term paper blues? Migrating implants? Call the Problem Solvers. 'Cause after all, what's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'That was a good rehearsal. Now let's record it.' [after what was clearly being filmed]

Tracy:Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.

Tracy:What the whaaat? New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything!

Tracy:That's what religion is, K-fed. Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.

Tracy:We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. And if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown.

Tracy:Tracy discovers 'Snitterman's office' in the Boston building and rallies the staff to confront him.

Tracy:Tracy cannot remember the name of the network for a promo — 'Watch TGS this Friday on... on...'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy declares himself 'a future Tony-nominated actor' mid-promo and announces he's going for the T in his EGOT

Tracy:Tracy announces he's a Broadway star and asks Jenna to accept his Tony on his behalf — then says June is tough because he starts lifeguarding again

Tracy:Tracy demonstrates he 'never does the same thing twice' with rapid-fire random lines: 'Honey, I'm home! Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! Jeffrey, we lost the tournament!'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's acting lesson begins: she says 'Acting is about consistency and control' — Tracy immediately says 'Got it, no farting'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's elocution exercise: 'Repeat after me.' Tracy says: 'After me.' Jenna: 'No, Tracy.' Tracy: 'No, stop it, not this part.'

Jenna · Tracy:Jenna's elocution tongue-twister: 'To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock...' — Tracy immediately destroys it: 'To sit in darkness in a sharp, shock shop in darkness in sitting in sharp.'

Tracy:Tracy responds to Jenna's childhood acting story: 'You were a fat baby.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth asks Tracy if he can repeat his performance — Tracy mishears it as an echo of his own voice

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy's second one-man show ends to thunderous applause: 'Bravo! It's a triumph!'

Tracy:My addiction to prescription glasses.

Tracy:The fact that I suffer from attention deficit disor— Jack, your shoes are shiny.

Tracy:And worst of all, she revealed the fact that I've never cheated on my wife.

Tracy:I start losing my endorsements, Angie's gonna be madder than a bat in a suitcase.

Tracy:I'm here to announce that I'm leaving show business to spend more time with my stripper. But it's like a black Barbie doll in Arizona. Nobody's buying it.

Tracy:But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride on their Cinco de Mayo float.

Tracy:Yet another black superstar taken down by his personal life. Just like my favorite golfer, OJ Simpson.

Tracy:Somebody leaked my voicemails. 'Hey baby, it's your husband. So I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond and I can't remember, did you say to get metal or wood shower curtain rings? Oh, you're calling me on the other line. I can't wait to talk to you. I love you.'

Tracy:She says I better have an affair and quick before it tears our family apart.

Tracy:Hello, Elizabeth. May I offer you a succulent fruit? [15:30] Let me do a dance for you, my lover.

Tracy:I can't have sex with you, Liz Lemon. I love Angie too much.

Tracy:One day you will have what I have because you're an amazing, strong, and intelligent woman like Hilary... from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Tracy:Ugh! I'm sorry. I was still riding the vibe from earlier.

Tracy · Kenneth:Now, how did the very first person catch old Gus? / Well, that's a story for another time — / Right now.

Tracy:I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable jacuzzi. It was crazy. Glistening black and white skin — it looked like a close-up of a killer whale being born.

Tracy:Just like this amazing city that we live in.

Tracy · Jenna:How do I know this isn't a dream? / Wait a minute. All my teeth are loose, so we're good. It's real.

Tracy:We have to Elm Street this. We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth (dream version):Tracy and Jenna in their dreamscape — attempting to attack a dream-Kenneth, who is portrayed as a supernatural figure they're trying to kill Elm Street-style.

Pete · Tracy · Jenna:I've had enough of both of you. Your bad behavior stops now! / Absolutely, sir. We promise. / And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank-you song.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / Oh, I'll show you how to thank me.

Tracy · Jack:Tracy, on the walkie-talkie, announces he heard there's 'a redheaded MILF walking around with some executive' — not realizing he's talking to that executive about the executive's companion

Tracy:Tracy: 'A guy on the subway just called me a biggledeeboo.' / 'It's an 18th-century word for dark-skinned Moor.'

Tracy:Tracy explains he's learned the word 'black' in every language 'just so I'll know when to be offended' — including dolphin: 'Eeeeeeeeeee! Eeeee-eeeee-ee-eee-eee-eee!'

Tracy:'Barry Obams is the one who brought it back!' — Tracy's theory that a Black president eliminated white guilt and thus enabled the return of racism

Tracy:Tracy's flashback/aside: a white woman clutches her bag and screams 'Aah! Black man!' — presented as evidence of racism

Dotcom · Tracy:Dotcom: 'Come to think of it, I saw a white judge on Law & Order last night.' Tracy: 'Oh, yeah, it's back on! Get ready, son.'

Tracy:Tracy tells Dotcom: 'All you've ever known is your affirmative-action job and Queen Latifah CoverGirl commercials.'

Tracy · Pete:Pete asks Tracy to call Toofer and talk sense into him: 'Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy, 'cause we all know each other.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy: 'This workplace has become a hotbed of old-school racism.' / Pete: 'Come on, Trey, no one here is racist.' / Tracy: 'Oh, yeah? How come I'm always forced to play ridicarus characters that don't enununcia tewell.'

Liz · Tracy · Dotcom:The Disney Princess debate: 'There actually hasn't been a white princess since 1991.' / Tracy and group: 'Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine... Wow, she's right!'

Tracy:Tracy walks in: 'Happy birthday, bitches!'

Liz · Tracy:Liz's cascade of realizations: '...or Lutz, with his Bs in Inuit ancestry, or you, whose dad was in the Masons with Dave Garroway. I shouldn't be here.' / Tracy: 'This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.'

Toofer · Pete · Tracy:Toofer returns: 'Apparently, I am the only one among us who can spell.' / Pete: 'Welcome back, James.' / Tracy: 'Hang on, who's James?'

Tracy · Pete · Frank:Nickname suggestions for Toofer/James: 'Victoria Q. Nerdballs,' 'Kanye East,' 'Super Virgin!' 'Splock, short for "black Spock."' 'Three-fer, 'cause you're also gay.'

Tracy:Feline Groovy? It's a pun. Because cats' paws have grooves.

Tracy:They're paying me exactly one million teachers' salaries.

Tracy:It's either this or I submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust.

Tracy:I remember being born, of course. I remember learning how to ride a bike. But that was last year.

Tracy:I remember the summer my Webelos group went camping, and we were taken by the Hill People. Next thing I knew, summer was over and it was time for back to school shopping.

Tracy:No, I don't. I was on a yacht with the Roots last week.

Tracy:I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs.

Tracy:I watched a prostitute stab a clown.

Tracy:Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage!

Tracy:Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

Tracy:I hate pain! I'm doing Garfield Three!

Tracy:And as soon as I make some copies of my passport, I'm never coming back here!

Tracy:Garfield effects test. Take one. And Act! Nermal, I hate you, Nermal! Almost as much as I hate Mondays! This is my lasagna! You hear me, Nermal? My lasagna!

Tracy:A crack-head breastfeeding a rat.

Tracy:A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on the third rail of the G train. The G train, Nermal!

Tracy:Feline Groovy can't tell my story, then I will win my Oscar elsewhere. Or I'll die trying.

Tracy:I seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom!

Tracy:I once bit into a Merino and there was a child's shoe in it!

Tracy:I seen a hooker eat a tire!

Tracy:A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's!

Tracy:The sewer people stole my skateboard!

Tracy:The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time!

Tracy:I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo. They were very drunk!

Tracy:Oh, I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Good-bye.

Tracy:First, I need you to go to the dry cleaners for me and find out how martinizing works. I've always been curious.

Tracy:Then I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it.

Tracy:Of course. I knew that.

Tracy:Kenneth, I knew you'd come back! Let me smell your head.

Tracy:I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes. Just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.

Tracy:Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?

Tracy:Like the world cup. I'll try.

Tracy:Welcome to the Late Show with David Letterman. Please have your tickets out. And now, as with all studio audiences, we will sort you according to attractiveness. Front, front, back, balcony...

Tracy:No, you do not exist! I'm in control of this!

Tracy · Brian:Mr. Jordan, please stop. You're not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you!

Tracy:Of course it would. It would know anything I knew because it sprung from my imagination. [Tracy throws Brian in front of a car anyway]

Tracy:Oh, my God! Oh, no, I missed it! Do it again!

Tracy:Why don't you come back home to TGS and pick the peas out of my fried rice? And the rice. I just want carrots.

Tracy:Obviously, I'm going to need the tote bag.

Tracy · Brian:Sir? Is it really you? Sure is. Wanna go kiss in the prop cage? What? No!

NBC News Anchor · Tracy:Tracy Jordan was voted 'worst representation of a black man' nine years in a row... his FCC fines... And giving the queen parvo.

Tracy:Who, Mark Cuban? That guy ran me over with a jet ski.

Tracy:Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in the hotel.

Tracy · Jackie D · Liz Lemon:You do know that Googling yourself means looking yourself up on the Internet. / I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day. Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office? / Sure. / Can I use your computer? / How else are you gonna do it?

Jackie D · Tracy:You played him in Central Park last summer. / I don't know any of my lines!

Jackie D · Tracy:Yes, that's what I just said. Now, if I can help you... / No, no, no, Jackie D. I don't need your help. I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.

Tracy:How's business things? I made several overseas phone calls today. I'm doing great. Like the song, I am taking on my business.

Tracy · Assistant:Read back what we have so far. / 'Ideas to change Mr. Jordan's headline.' Then you said, 'read back what we have so far.'

TV Anchor · Tracy:Coming up in our next half hour, we're gonna meet a heroic cat who saved its owner's life by dialing 911. / What an amazing story. That cat's a hero. If I save it, I'm a double hero.

Tracy · Kenneth:I need your help. / I actually have an important church... / Denied!

Tracy · Kenneth:It's go time, Ken. Are you ready? / I've got my hammer, I've got my mask. / You just stop me before I get to that cat. / I'll be right behind you.

Tracy:An Oscar. If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary will read 'Oscar winner' instead of 'children's soccer heckler'.

Tracy:I feel like I'm forgetting something. / I left Tracy Jr. in Atlantic City!

Tracy · Kenneth:Die, hero cat! I hate you! / [Tracy attacks the cat] / I said I'm gonna kill that cat! / Killing cats is wrong! / Unless it's to make a hat! / My skull!

Tracy:Zing leg-tubes, Liz. Vunderhinder!

Tracy · Jenna · Liz Lemon:Now we both have amazing butts. Make that all three of us. Jenna, a word. Specifically, the word 'talking.'

Tracy:I was in a film called Hard to Watch. And the pundits think I have a chance at an Oscar, and I just learned about air quotes.

Tracy:And when the time is right... Be bad at snapping. Got it.

Tracy · Jenna:I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong? You're asking me?

Tracy:I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear in case some Saudi guys show up.

Tracy:I trust award shows. They tell me how much to care about different dead people.

Tracy:Well, definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, then bam! Boobies.

Tracy:Tracy, what is an actor? I think the better question is, what isn't an actor? A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol.

Tracy:Sabotage? But I'm the one who does that to me.

Tracy:Wait, great like good, or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day?

Liz Lemon · Tracy:In real life, you have to make compromises. No, Liz Lemon, it's like the thing I said in another movie I made. Compromises are for lesser souls. Die, werewolf zombie!

Tracy:Wow! That's worse than the speech my grandpa made when my cousin married a Japanese girl.

Jenna · Tracy · Liz:Wow, I would experiment with that girl. — Too small. — That's me for two weeks in college.

Tracy:You probably said 'fortnight.'

Jenna · Toofer · Tracy:I'm the hot blonde. / And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome. / And you're the R.A.

Tracy · Donald · Jack:The 'knock knock' bit — Tracy's son Donald enters without knocking, Tracy says 'It was opportunity knocking,' Jack points out no one actually knocked, then Donald literally knocks and re-enters so the metaphor is retroactively 'correct.'

Tracy:Tracy introduces Donald as 'my son who's two years older than me.'

Tracy · Jack:'Brown and Folderson' — Tracy's fake investor name revealed to actually be the name of his wallet.

Tracy:'What is Señor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out of the loop!'

Jack · Tracy:'What about Brown and Folderson?' 'That's what I call my wallet!'

Tracy:Tracy says he 'bankrolled' his son's wing-flying experiment, adding: 'Thank God we tested it with a monkey first!'

Donald · Tracy:Donald returns with Tracy's 'share of the profits' from the restaurant — a single item found in coat check.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Too late. Look how we're positioned.' — responding to the instruction to not turn his back on Donald.

Tracy:Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I got to go.

Tracy:I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards, and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the arena in a penis-shaped parachute.

Tracy · Dr. Spaceman:Tracy's doctor announces 'Tracy, you are going to die' twice — first as a dramatic opener, then again as the actual medical assessment — with Tracy's terrified 'What? No!' in between.

Tracy:Who will be there to raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?

Tracy:Is that like being a fluffer? Because I have done that and did not enjoy it. Blow-drying animals at a pet salon is hard work.

Tracy:Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat.

Tracy:I'm sorry I'm four hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cockfight last night.

Jack · Tracy:Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from. Do not mention the underwater city of Sauronicon.

Tracy · Jenna:So... which one of us is going to get this computer? Just kidding. We both are!

Tracy:The box would make a perfect coffin for my Teddy Bear.

Tracy · Jenna:When we met four years ago, we were fighting about the silliest things... Dressing rooms, air time, you coming in and ruining my show... You taking my nephew's virginity.

Tracy · Jenna:There's only one. You take it. I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.

Tracy:Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt?

Tracy:I want that sweatshirt! No. You can't take this away from me, like you took away my show. And my grandmother's jewelry chest.

Tracy:Lemon told me this morning she got jacked big time.

Tracy:Oh, hey, Jack, you and I have a pitch meeting later. You're a baby. Yes, you are. Yes, you're a baby...

Tracy:Liz, I never get anything. All I want is one sweatshirt.

Tracy:The story begins when dolphins ruled the earth.

Tracy:It'll turn the child into a Dracula.

Tracy:Now, I will need to eat your umbilical cord.

Liz · Tracy · Jenna:Problem solved. Now no one gets it. Aw, man...

Tracy:Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.

Jenna · Tracy:No, Tracy, she lied to us. And she ordered us around like we were a couple of normals. You will be punished. Can I have my nunchucks back?

Tracy:I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why, just yesterday, I kicked two naked people out of a garden!

Tracy:Simba, Rafiki! Click, click, click! Yeah, that's right, I just put you in your place in African.

Tracy:Africa's great! We got juju monsters... gum-gum trees, and horsicorns, which is a unicorn with a horse's head.

Liz/Kenneth · Tracy:Have you made friends in Africa? — Oh, sure. Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Paul Simon, 'Invictus.'

Liz/Kenneth · Tracy:So, what's the weather like? — Crazy. It's the snowiest winter we had in years in New York... in Africa.

Tracy:Uh-oh, it's nighttime. Got to go to bed or I'll anger the gods. They must be crazy! Africa!

Tracy:Well, well, well. You found me... after I ordered Thai food and gave you this address.

Liz · Tracy:I'm waiving the $60,000 you owe me in appearance fees. Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon with its trademark absence of sex stains?

Liz · Tracy:You're the one who wrote 'every kind of mustard' on my shopping list! — And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of! It's red, it says 'ketchup' on it...

Tracy · Kenneth · Liz:As a time saver, I will refer to the two of you as 'Klemon.' I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now, remember, to save time, you two are 'Klemon.' — It's a combination of... — Just keep going!

Tracy:I had everything I dreamed of: awards, respect, Justin Long's autograph.

Tracy:Like the time I got stuck in Temple Grandin's hugging machine at the Golden Globes party.

Tracy:I'm not strong enough for the pain and the human misery of a 3-hour plane ride with Sean Penn.

Tracy:Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us!

Kenneth · Tracy:'I think I speak for all of us when I say how thrilled we... / Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom!'

Grizz · Dotcom · Kenneth · Tracy:'Smooth move, Ferguson.' [Grizz, Dotcom, and Kenneth burst out laughing; Tracy has no idea what this means]

Tracy:Tracy: 'You three are not allowed to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of. I could have inside jokes that you're not a part of, for example, "Hot feet" or "Ask Melissa about it."'

Tracy:Tracy forbids 'Smooth move, Ferguson': 'it is not funny to me, so it is forbidden'

Tracy:Tracy catches his entourage saying 'Smooth move, Ferguson' behind his back — having hidden to spy on them

Tracy · Dotcom · Grizz:The explanation of 'Smooth move, Ferguson': 'the delivery guy tripped, and then Mr. Griswald said, "Smooth move, Ferguson."' Tracy: 'That story is not funny.'

Tracy:Tracy's solution: 'We are going to re-create all the events surrounding "Smooth move, Ferguson" exactly as they occurred. Maybe then we can get on with our lives.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth reports logistics obstacles: 'Dotcom licks the subway steps.' Tracy: 'These are solvable problems.'

Tracy · Jenna:Jenna's hair re-growth for the re-creation: 'J-Mo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back?' / 'It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?' / 'You know I do.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Then, we'll reconvene in three weeks! Meeting is adjourned! Oh, my God! What happened to my bug?'

Tracy:Tracy, directing the re-creation: 'Was Dotcom standing that gay? No, sir, he was not.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Tracy recognizes Kim Jong-il: 'Hey, what's my boy KJ doing on TV?' / 'That's Kim Jong-il.' / 'Yeah. We did a movie together that he directed and co-starred in.'

Tracy · Kim Jong-il:Clip from Tracy and Kim Jong-il's propaganda film: 'Death to the CIA! Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers! I defuse bomb, black partner. Hasta la vista, baby.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.' — explaining why he did the North Korean propaganda film

Tracy:The re-creation works perfectly and Tracy laughs: 'I get it now! It's so funny! Everyone, laugh! Now, you sons of bitches!'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy briefs Jack on Kim Jong-il: 'Kim Jong-il sometimes shoots in the closeup too much. Comedy lives in the wide shot. And also... his acting notes are often vague.'

Tracy:Tracy's breakdown: 'I came back, and you were fine without me. You laughed without me! And that was our special thing.'

Tracy · Dotcom · Grizz · Kenneth:'Never go away again.' Tracy: 'Don't ever tell me what to do! Quad hug, me in the middle!'

Tracy:Hey, I know what you're going through. I once kidnapped a woman.

Tracy:Fore! / Oh, my God! Liz? It's Tracy, from work!

Tracy:I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area, except for the 'new element' everyone keeps talking about.

Tracy:Look, I got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me. Do you mind if I take a nap here?

Tracy:If I start screaming in my sleep, do not wake me up. I will attack you.

Tracy:Wake me up! Free me from this!

Tracy:Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.

Tracy:I don't think it will affect my behavior next season.

Tracy:Hey, guys! It's me, Tracy, the black guy from work.

Tracy:I hooked a ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway. And Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans.

Tracy:Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.

Tracy:Hola, everyone. Are you ready for Season 6?

Tracy:Talent walking! / This has nothing to do with Jenna's success that I'm jealous of, but if that yellow-haired bag of teeth keeps me waiting for rehearsal, I will set my dressing room on fire.

Tracy · Liz:But I'm acting out. / Right. And I know it'll all blow over eventually, and so I'm just going to skip the exhausting middle part.

Liz · Tracy:You're a 42-year-old man. / No, I'm not. I took a real age test. It said I'm dead.

Tracy:I started a camp for underprivileged kids last summer. We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive.

Tracy:Okay, how about this? I'm changing my name. From now on everyone has to address me as 'the gentleman formerly known as rectum.'

Tracy:I just got an honorary sheriff's badge, and I'm going to start making real arrests.

Tracy:I just realized, I haven't paid taxes in 30 years.

Tracy:You're not doing your job. You're laughing at rectum jokes, you're leaving early. Did we switch brains? Why am I not feeling your boobs? Baah!

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, how do nice people dress? / Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates.

Tracy · Jenna:Liz Lemon is a crack whore. / Probably not, but continue.

Tracy:She went down to Penn Station. And not the fun stationery store up on the Upper East Side. The skeezy one with trains.

Tracy · Jenna:She's been acting all weird. All relaxed and not angry. Well, it has been two days, and she hasn't once stormed in here carping about how all the destructive hurricanes get female names.

Tracy:So it's not the Bandito Blanco? A name for cocaine I just made up?

Tracy:The Manhattan center for penis enlargement? I know because my friend goes there. His name is Tracy.

Kenneth · Tracy:It's so beautiful. A mermaid! / Dude, those are diapers.

Tracy · Dot Com:TiVo nostalgia bit — two characters making 'boop-boop' and 'bung-bung' sounds back and forth, escalating.

Tracy:Tracy pointing out gay coworkers: 'Him. Him. Her when she's drunk. I genuinely don't know. That one's a puzzler.'

Tracy · Liz:How is what I said offensive, and that's not? / Because no one heard me say it.

Tracy:Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants.

Tracy:If I got turned into a gay, I'd sit around all day and look at my own junk.

Tracy · Diane (phone) · Liz:I already called Glad, Liz Lemon. / Thank you for calling Glad, stronger trash bags with less plastic...

Tracy:Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy's non-response: 'That's terrific, thank you.' / Liz realizes he thought she was offering to write the apology FOR him.

Tracy · Scuba Guy:Frat guys, DJs, loud-mouthed old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp-stamped, parrot-heads, anti-vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving. / It's a whole other world down there.

Tracy · Protester:We will be out here every day, misremembering movie quotes. / Because as Braveheart said, 'you can take our freedom, unless you take our lives.'

Tracy:I'm on my way. Any idea what bus I take to get there? 'Cause I'm in Chinatown, baby.

Tracy:Pick up the Mercury with the tape, bag it, then seal the bags. We'll drive everything out to the Meadowlands and roll the car into a swamp.

Tracy · Unknown:You didn't tell me he was alive! / Well, of course he is. Pete's our friend, Kelsey.

Tracy:Damn it! No names!

Tracy:I will make a brief statement on behalf of the idiot community, then I will open the floor for questions. Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or Nazi...

Tracy's Associate · Tracy:We should change that. / It's fine.

Liz · Tracy:Tracy, are you kidding me? I have been calling your cell all day. / My ringtone is the chicken dance. If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song!

Tracy:And idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a 'nucular' psychiatrist in a James 'Bong' movie.

Tracy · Liz:I want the video for my new single to play on TGS this week. / [Tracy's pool song plays] / Can you make it 16 minutes long? / We're short this week. / I'll try to cut it down.

Tracy:Idiots aren't just strippers or stay-at-home moms.

Tracy · Liz:Oh, I get it. She's naming awesome things. / No, listen to me.

Liz · Tracy · Tracy's people:Because of you, there may be an Entourage movie. / Hug it off, ma'am! / Turtle, turtle, turtle!

Tracy · Liz:Wanna make out? / No, thank you.

Tracy · Dotcom:Tracy's birthday invitation reads 'Give to charity please, no presents' — he meant 'Give to charity? Please, no. Presents!'

Tracy:Tracy alone, staring, with a 'depressed thoughts CD' playing in the background — contemplating mortality

Tracy:Tracy needs 'time alone to think... about mortality.' — pause before 'about mortality'

Tracy:Tracy's 'depressed thoughts CD' plays: 'What is the meaning of...' while Tracy sits despondently

Tracy:Celia's bakery is on the corner of 'Malcolm X Boulevard and Guy Who Shot Malcolm X Boulevard.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Dotcom: 'I wanted for nothing as a child, but that brings its own challenges.' Tracy: 'Shut up, Dotcom.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Dotcom: 'You've got a family.' Tracy: 'Great, another thing that I've already got. Thanks for making this situation worse.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I already have a room full of old black women.' [offered as a reason he doesn't need to find a reason to live]

Tracy · Dotcom:Tracy: 'Why didn't you just tell us back in your dressing room?' Dotcom: 'Because showing is better than telling, and my schedule is light this week.'

Tracy:Tracy opens birthday presents, keeps saying 'I already have this' and 'I definitely don't need that' — escalating dissatisfaction

Tracy:Tracy opens presents and keeps saying 'I have that' and 'I already have this' and 'I definitely don't need that' — ending with a genuine moment of finding something he doesn't have

Tracy:Tracy's response to Jack's Valentine pitch: 'I just realized I'm gay.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack explains his extra energy from Avery's absence: 'My animus has become pent up.' Tracy: 'Why don't you just come out and say you haven't had mommy-daddy sheet monster times.' Jack: 'I'm not about to cheat on the woman I love, and I've never mommy-daddy sheet monstered myself.'

Tracy:'Never? Not even during the Love Boat reunion?'

Jack · Tracy:Elevator scene: Jack is telling Tracy his plan to give Valentine's a second chance, then the elevator opens and cuts the conversation off with 'What a shame. It felt like we were just getting started.' / '"Ma!"'

Tracy:Tracy's Valentine's Day pickup philosophy: 'Valentine's Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It's scumbag Christmas!'

Tracy:Tracy lists vulnerable women locations: 'Cat shelters, blood banks, the ice cream stand at a Celtic woman concert... And we strike.'

Tracy:Tracy's beauty salon strategy: 'We go to the beauty salon where white girls try to do black hair. Sisters come out crying, feeling all bad about themselves, and we walk up on them all, Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Tracy:Tracy on Lutz's romantic prospects: 'After we watch Fievel Goes West, we're gonna get you some action.'

Tracy:Tracy's Father's Day strip club tip: 'Go to a strip club on Father's Day, and shout things like, I'm proud of you!'

Tracy:Tracy's department store swimsuit switcheroo: switching size-6 tags to size-12, then consoling the woman who comes out thinking she's gotten bigger with 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Tracy:Tracy demonstrates making a woman feel vulnerable by throwing a bowl of cereal on a woman and asking 'Oh, baby, did someone throw cereal on you? Let's get you out of these wet clothes.'

Tracy · Woman:The woman rejects Tracy's cereal pickup: 'What is wrong with you people?' Tracy: 'Whatever. Jeremy says she's a tease anyway.'

Frank · Tracy · Lutz:Frank's Valentine's payoff: 'Worse than me trying to send a fax.' / 'I spent Valentine's with friends. / We are work acquaintances at best. At worst, we are rivals who inspire and try to make each other better.'

Tracy:Tracy's Valentine's obligation reveal: 'Right now, Angie's in a hotel room dressed as a clown. And I'm supposed to get into an elephant costume and interview her for a job at the circus.'

Tracy · Frank · Lutz:'Now let's go get some tiny meatballs.' / 'Meatballs, here we come!' / 'Meatballs!'

Tracy:I won an Oscar, so now I get to do real art. Begins no dogs phase.

Tracy:How black was this dude? On a scale from Lisa Bonet to Dotcom.

Tracy:That's a wrap. That commercial parody is gonna be hilarious. What's a commercial?

Tracy:I have a criminal skull shape.

Tracy:Plaxico Burress just called our idea 'poorly thought out'. Then hung up by shooting his own phone.

Tracy:Do you know anyone who wants to be called Daryl Weenus?

Tracy:Hang on... have you not left this building since you were mugged?

Tracy:All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions.

Tracy:Perfectly-executed Chewbacca sounds! [Tracy makes Chewbacca noises to demonstrate]

Tracy:Then I'm gonna say to you what I say to all my sharks right before they die. Let's go outside.

Tray/Tracy · Tracy · Tray · Tracy:A $50,000 Benihana gift card? / Right, I did an ad and insisted on being paid in Beni Bucks. / No sir, this card is only good through February 2012. / Any other year it'd be March already. But we found it today! It's a Leap Day miracle!

Tracy:Nothing's impossible on Leap Day. It's like I said in my cameo appearance in Leap Dave Williams: 'Gimme your wallet, old man!'

Dotcom · Tracy:Mr. Jordan, you'll never spend all this by midnight. You appeared in that ad for nothing. / Well, the joke's on you because that commercial never aired for unexplained reasons.

Writer · Tracy · Writer · Dotcom:We've only spent $6000. We should just give up. / Never. / We can't keep eating! / Lutz's shirt button popped off and hit Cerie. It counts as us touching.

Tracy · Dotcom:Everybody's always telling me not to get paid in gift cards. Angie, my lawyer, my imaginary friend, Dotcom. / Tray, I'm real. I moved your furniture.

Tracy · Dotcom · Tracy · Tracy · Dotcom · Tracy:One Leap Day when I was a kid, the Harlem River froze, and I decided to cross it carrying my brick collection. / I told him not to. / No one can hear you, Dotcom. / Then I fell through the ice. They still don't know who pulled me out. / I did. / Charlie Rangel gave me a medal.

Tracy · Tracy · Dotcom · Tracy · Tracy:Remember where I came from. / But we all came from the sea. Sea? Like the letter 'C', which is part of the alphabet. Alphabet soup. Soup kitchen. Kitchen... / No, no, don't keep going. / The kitchen debate with Richard Nixon. Richard M. Nixon. The M-train. Soul train. Chicken soup for the soul. Chicken soup. Soup kitchen. / This is a Leap Day miracle!

Tracy:Merry Leap Day, tourists. / Merry Leap Day, closeted gay guys meeting in the city.

Criss · Liz · Criss · Liz · Tracy:Seriously, 20 million bucks? I would sleep with Thad Warmald for that. / Couldn't go through with it. You know, I just kept seeing your face. Also, I have too much dignity. / So another woman? / Victoria's Secret model. / Feast, homeless, feast!

Tracy:I saved Leap Day! And connected with my son! And I solved the big case from earlier!

Liz · Jenna · Tracy:Nerf rifle. Mass Effect 3. What else do we need for, uh, research?

Tracy:Because like all black actors, I have a lot of experience with playing a wise black fellow who gets reluctant white people to do things.

Jenna · Tracy:Hang on. The trash was moved. [Beat.] Hiding something, Mr. Lutz?

Jenna · Tracy:I broke the number one rule of being on the force. Don't fall in love with your car? No. I let it get personal. You're right. The car thing is stupid.

Tracy:That's right! We know you ordered a porn version of Temple Grandin entitled Ten Poles Rammed In. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Tracy:Let's get outta here, Maroney. The sight of these people plus the crayons I ate earlier make me sick.

Tracy · Liz:Any mysteries that need solving, Liz? Actually, yes. What happened? Who attacked you and gave you that haircut?

Tracy:I feel like Oscar the Grouch today, and not just 'cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning, startling someone named Gordon.

Liz · Tracy:In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid... [Tracy] You're the one who solved that? Thank you so much.

Tracy:I'm still fasting because I misread my calendar. Tomorrow is my colonoscopy. Today was my meeting with Colin O'Scopy.

Tracy:All right, bro-bro, let's just be cool, and sit down and pee in silence, like dudes do.

Tracy:Bro... You should just smack that Liz in the mouth.

Tracy:My brain is working overtime. I finally understand the ending of The Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie.

Tracy:Yeah, and I just got what you were trying to tell me yesterday. You want me to do my filthy stand-up act instead of reading the cue cards.

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy's stand-up is entirely bleeped, with words replaced by random unintelligible phrases — 'cause they love to those big / 'cause they eat all our aloud / housed in a [bleep], boooooy! / You just ate a with extra? / Well, you called the right.'

Tracy:Dude, bro, where's Liz? You didn't see her? She just left. I gotta go feed the meter.

Jack · Tracy · Jenna:Wake up, mother-. / Die, demon! / Why didn't you ever call me back?

Tracy · Jenna:Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost... / Oh, Great Kabbalah monster...

Jenna · Tracy:They said my name first. / But I'm more famous than you.

Tracy:Like on the set of Ocean's 12, when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie.

Tracy:Siri, kill Jenna!

Tracy:I get second billing to this small-boobied grandma?

Tracy · Jenna:He should have said my name first. Roker should be on my side. / Why, because you both have had huge weight fluctuations?

Tracy:Why do I keep doing this stuff? Is 70 not a good IQ?

Tracy:I had to beg to take over for Andy Rooney. And it did not go well. / When I was a kid, you could get a prostitute for $5.

Tracy:A year ago, I won an Oscar. Now look at me. I had to beg to take over for Andy Rooney. And it did not go well. / When I was a kid, you could get a prostitute for $5.

Tracy:I'm scared, J-Mohr. And not just 'cause today's the day that guy that tried to kill me gets out of jail.

Tracy · Al Roker:That is a person named Liz Lemon who just told some dude she loves him. Well, I have known her for a long time and she never said that before. It sure is rewarding as a TV viewer when someone you're interested in shows growth.

Tracy:Also, TV viewers liked when in a show is a song.

Tracy:Also, TV viewers liked when in a show is a song. ♪Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling♪ ... Don't you dare fade out on me.

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Tracy: 'Hazel, I just peed this. Could you take care of it for me?' — holding up something (implied urine-adjacent object) mid-argument

Kenneth · Hazel · Tracy:Kenneth launches a 'getting-your-act-together montage' song for Tracy — immediately interrupted by Hazel with a piñata

Hazel · Tracy:Hazel offers Tracy: 'Do you wanna do whatever you want with a sexy, fun bitch who just bought you a piñata?' Tracy: 'Awesome!'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'You were wrong. They do still make crossbows.' — Tracy arrives with crossbow and motorcycle ramp but no motorcycle

Tracy:Tracy (off his medication): 'We on a show within a show! My real name is Tracy Morgan!'

Tracy:Tracy's presidential address: 'Goo-goo, ga-ga, my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth to Tracy: 'I won't do that' (quoting Meat Loaf's 'I'd Do Anything for Love') — Tracy: 'The girl in that video was hot in an early '90s kind of way.'

Tracy · Announcer:End tag: 'Please welcome to the stage: Leminem!' — scattered applause and booing, then Tracy begins poorly doing the sprinkler dance while rapping badly

Tracy:What happened, J-Mo? Did you pass out in a goose costume at LaGuardia?

Tracy:It's called 'Desire,' but with a 'Z' instead of the second 'E.'

Tracy:All my favorite things: The Knicks, a mop from a strip club, a carefree hobo, a crate with a new giraffe in it, and broccoli.

Tracy:Yeah, I wouldn't know. I lost my sense of smell years ago. But when one sense goes away, the others make up for it. I have an incredible sense of touch. I feel an old Jack-o-lantern from last Halloween.

Dr. Spaceman · Tracy:I can either drill a hole in the back of your head and push it out with your brain... Okay, that sounds good. Or I could just pull it out through your nostril. We'll do the second one.

Tracy · Dr. Spaceman:My Buck Rogers decoder ring! How long has that been in there? Those things are from the '70s.

Tracy:When I was nine, I found it on the floor of the 'G' train. I knew if my foster mom saw it, she would make me sell it at a pawn shop to get our family a cheerio.

Tracy:Funny, Kenneth. You don't have any smell at all.

Tracy:Tracy begins singing about smelling, approaching things and people: '♪ Perfume and roses and strong halitosis / Powders and flowers and spicy clam chowders / I can smell, I can smell, I can smell ♪'

Liz · Tracy:You're at rehearsal before me? Of course I am, Liz-dad. I'm your good boy. I memorized all my lines, so can I go get dressed for the photo shoot now, so you don't have to wait for me?

Tracy:I know, Dotcom, that's why whenever I smell that jacket, I remember being bored.

Tracy:You're still here. You didn't go to the store for milk and heroin and then never come back.

Tracy:You're not gonna wanna run away and start a new family in Ohio and have a daughter you also name Tracy.

Tracy:This is my Jimmy Fallon impression. Awesome, awesome, I love it! It's my favorite!

Tracy:Just some stuff I needed from home, like my bed. It's a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.

Tracy:Angie's cooking smells very ethnic, and I definitely can't be around my family. I didn't expect this, but teenage boys don't smell good.

Liz · Tracy:What about baby Virginia? Do you know what she does in her underwear? Something I once did at the Oscars that caused Daryl Hannah to throw up on me.

Tracy:Philadelphia, 1776. 'John Adams and Mitt Romney enter.'

Tracy · Liz:You wanted to see me, smell? [beat] Sit down, champ. [beat] Why are you so heavy? 'Cause so much of me has died.

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'Sit down, champ.' / Tracy: 'Why are you so heavy?' / Liz: ''Cause so much of me has died.'

Tracy:A magnolia tree in spring, the towels at a Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest, the sweat of a terrified Webster as you load him into a cannon.

Tracy:Goodbye, helpful Tracy. Goodbye, daddy-head. Goodbye, only evidence tying me to my ex-wife's disappearance.

Tracy:This is an outrage. I didn't get to work an hour late just to be the first one here.

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, I need your input. / I cannot give it to you. I'm a married man. But more importantly, I find you very unattractive.

Tracy:Partying too hard with Christian Slater? Furious about NAFTA? Y2K panic? My heyday was the '90s.

Tracy:Did Hamlet start the play by stabbing people? No. He started by being boring and ruining my anniversary, 'cause Angie wanted to take advantage of 'all the great theatre in New York.'

Tracy:You have to build to the big breakdown, like in a C+C Music Factory song. My heyday was also the '90s.

Tracy:Hey, want to watch Mythbusters? Mm. Can we have sex after? 'Cause those guys always put fuel in my tank.

Tracy:I issued a statement on your behalf using Twitter. A media-savvy crackhead, I know. I said you were being treated for exhaustion and that you wanted to thank your fans, and also, you saw Tracy Jordan do 11 push-ups.

Tracy · Jenna:Jmo, these are from Mickey Rourke. No! Tracy, put them down!

Tracy · Jenna:I've been thinking. / Why? You're famous.

Tracy:You jumped through a window. You made out with Paz de la Huerta at a children's museum. You tried to dine at Balthazar without a reservation!

Paul · Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, if you'll excuse us. / No, Paul. If it wasn't for Tracy, we wouldn't be here right now. He can stay. / No, I'm cool. I'm gonna leave.

Tracy:Joey Montero (Tracy in flashback): 'We've got a great show for you tonight. And even if we don't, there's only two other channels, so who cares?'

Tracy:Joey Montero: 'I feel great. I slept like a baby last night. I woke up crying with a boob in my mouth.'

Tracy:Joey Montero repeatedly misnames Dusty Springfield: 'Donkey Springbeam,' 'Deedee Stringbean'

Tracy:Joey Montero asks 'Are we on a boat?' mid-performance

Tracy:Tracy's flashback: his 1986 church dance crew telethon performance ends with 'Ow, my coccyx!'

Tracy:Tracy says 'It's not funny. Coccyx is the scientific term for your butt bone.' Then repeats it: 'I like it. Coccyx.' And 'Hey, what do you call this? This is the garry-o-many core.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'That was when I realized I was a ridiculous man.' / Jack: 'Tracy, I was there. As a lower-level GE employee, I was answering phones at that telethon. When you took off your clothes, they cut to the phone banks.'

Hazel · Tracy:Hazel, in the TGS sketch: 'Prince, do you smell something fishy?' Tracy (as Prince William): 'Who's that dude?'

Tracy:Tracy says he can't go to the fashion show at 8pm because 'that's 9am Tokyo time. That's when Takashi's parents leave for work and we play Mass Effect 3 online.'

Tracy:'Mr. and Mrs. Tanaka think he's at school, but he's playing video games with a drunk adult.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Oh my god. Ned Stark is dead?'

Tracy:Tracy's talking head: 'I love my wife. I want her to be happy. But more than that, I'm gonna do nothing. It's hard trying to have it all.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Isn't this usually a bathroom?' / Liz: 'No, tray, it's usually Lutz's office.' / Tracy: 'I see. I think I just solved the mystery of the phantom pooper.'

Tracy:'You look like Angie when I tell her I wanna retire and live in an old lighthouse.'

Tracy:'I wouldn't know. I really don't watch TV. I'm more of a masturbator.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'There is no such thing as reality on reality television.' Tracy: '[long pause] No. Yes.'

Angie · Tracy · Daphne:'Instead, I got nothing. I might as well be Daphne.' / 'Who?' / 'I'm Daphne. I handle conflict appropriately and I'm up to date on my mortgage payments.'

Tracy:Tracy's confessional: 'Oh, no. I turned what was supposed to be a boring romantic evening into a gigantic fight in front of all these cameras.'

Tracy · Angie:Angie and Tracy's fight escalation: 'Our celebrity marriage is on a breakup collapse. We're a train wreck you cannot look away from!'

Tracy:'Lizard egg!' (Tracy yells this as an insult during the fight)

Tracy · Angie:'It will be contentious and last all through next season.' / Both: 'I'm cheating on you!'

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, who sponsored your wedding? I don't know. There was a lot of Fanta there, and the police, so maybe they co-sponsored it?

Tracy:Ms. Maroney, a wedding is a simple and beautiful ceremony where an old man and a crying girl get pushed into the coupling shed.

Tracy:Before moving here, I done used to talk-n-jaw like this, see? And when I'm at work, I use my white-people voice. You should see how we talk in the Bronx. Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!

Tracy:Are you crying because there are no roles for actresses in their 40s, nor should there be?

Tracy:I once did 100 takes and still couldn't say the word 'incorrigible.' Great, now I get it!

Tracy:I have someone inside me too. It's a bath toy of a scuba diver.

Tracy:Jessica Tandy's zombie is coming to find you. Is that correct? / Yes, siri. Thank you, baby.

Dotcom · Tracy:You were named 'Man of the Year' by the 'Journal of the Aryan Patriot Party.'

Tracy:Did they say when the banquet is? Because I'm kind of between tuxes due to weight fluctuation.

Tracy:For instance, in Pixar's upcoming movie about trash, I'm doing the voice of a lazy bottle of grape-flavored soda named Funky Bobo.

Tracy:Okay, I hear it!

Tracy · Dotcom:It's an honor to finally meet you, Questlove. / Tracy, this is Dr. Cornel West.

Tracy:Darth Vader, ninjas, some black licorice I tried to make into the shape of my dad.

Tracy · Dr. Cornel West:But where should I look? / Might be closer than you think. Maybe right under your own nose. / Under my own nose. Like a mustache. A mustache. Tom Selleck!

Dotcom · Tracy:What about Frederick Douglass? / A guy with two first names? Next.

Museum Guide · Tracy · Dotcom:That dress belonged to Rosa Parks. She's one of my personal heroes. / I think I found my role model. / Good choice. / Shut up, Dotcom. I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about me looking funny in this reflection.

Tracy:I'm gonna do a movie where I play someone's fat old aunt and I say stuff like, 'Whoo-wee!' And 'Sweet child, sit yo' black ass down!'

Tracy:Ah, we had a good time tonight. I wonder what will happen to the gang next season.

Tracy:Will Liz have a baby? Will Jack become supreme leader of Kabletown? Will Kenneth... No, I don't care!

Tracy:All I want is Jack and Liz get together. On Friends, it was so satisfying. They do on Cheers, they do on Moonlighting. Everybody do it! Don't overthink it, writers. Whoever you are.

Kenneth · Tracy:I need some advice. / I recommend you get it from Liz Lemon or an owl who wears glasses.

Kenneth · Tracy:I've been living with Hazel for the past few months, and while we have gotten to second base — / You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? / No! I mean sharing a yogurt.

Kenneth · Tracy:I'm saving myself for marriage, and Hazel says she's saving herself for a Grade-A pork machine. / And those are expensive.

Tracy:I'll tell you how to make a woman happy. You take charge. She comes home one night, you're in the kitchen naked, cooking chili. You feed it to her out of your hands. Make her act like a bird.

Tracy:Damn it, I don't know! I've been married for 22 years! / That's half as long as it felt like 'Arliss' was on TV.

Tracy:The women in our lives are queens. Honor your queen, Kenneth. If she wants to look at new window treatments, you go to Crate Barn. If she wants to have a dinner party, you go fry up some dolphin.

Tracy:Speaking of which, Angie's been in the hospital for a week. Could you go find out why?

Tracy · Jack:Yes, and I thought we'd have a little féte chez nous ce soir. / Oh, how nice to meet a woman who speaks the language of the Nazis' most enthusiastic collaborators. What a kind invitation.

Jack · Tracy:Kenneth tells me that you started your own movie studio this summer. / Yes, I'm sort of the black Tyler Perry.

Kenneth · Tracy:This is wonderful! Tracy Jordan is coming to dinner. Just like in that episode of 'Family Matters' when Tracy Jordan came to dinner. / You know, I wasn't scripted to be in that episode. I just wandered onto set because Reginald Vel Johnson owed me $40.

Tracy:Why is everyone asking me for advice? I'm Tracy Jordan. Father of three, married 22 years. I run my own business. / Oh, my God. / I'm the most stable adult here.

Tracy:That's what I do when I want to get out of something, like a sketch or a parent-teacher conference or this boring conversation.

Tracy · Liz:Thank you for saying that in dated urban slang so that I'll understand you. / Word.

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Thank you. Your home is terrible. / Shall we conversation? / Yes. We're having weather. / Much weather.

Tracy · Hazel:Oh, I always have one white person in all my movies. We have to have a villain. / Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas!

Hazel · Tracy:You're a real man, Tracy Jordan. Playing it cool all night while I rubbed your foot under the table. / My foot? / No, that's shoe stuffing. It helps keep the shape of my shoes. / Why was you rubbing my foot, anyway?

Hazel · Tracy:Tracy, I will do anything to play a villain in one of your movies. / Oh, and the camera loves me. Especially when I flash my baby blues. / Why are they blue?

Tracy · Hazel:No! I'm married, Hazel. / So am I. And if he ever wakes up from that coma, I'm dead! That's why I live for today.

Tracy · Hazel:You're just using Kenneth! And I'm telling him everything! / Whatever. Go ahead and try. / I'm gonna have to try?

Tracy · Kenneth · Hazel:Kenneth, I have something I need to tell you. / Last night, when you left, Hazel came on to me 'cause she wants me to put her in a movie. / Hazel, is this true? / Yeah. It is true. / Not!

Tracy · Hazel:Oh, please, you would love for me to fall asleep on top of you. / Come on, Kenmore washers and dryers, who are you gonna believe here?

Kenneth · Tracy:My best friend. / And my girlfriend. / Well, I always believe you, sir, because you're on television. / And webisodes.

Kenneth · Tracy:Yesterday you told me our women are queens, and they're always right, which means I should believe Hazel. But that would make you wrong, Mr. Jordan, and you've never been wrong about anything before. / It's a blessing and a purse.

Kenneth · Tracy:Unless Hazel is always right, but only because you said so, Mr. Jordan, which means you're right, too. / And both sides being right is like kissing your sister. / A wonderful treat!

Hazel · Tracy:Bad move, Jordan. We'll see who's still working here in six months. / My hearing is bad because of firecrackers, but we'll see who's still working here in six months. / That's what I just said. / What?

Tracy:See, that girl was in my car because I was trying to talk her out of being a prostitute, and she...

Tracy:This is terrible. I've never gone this long without talking.

Liz · Tracy:Break a leg, Tray. That shouldn't be hard. I have a severe calcium deficiency.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy has tweeted: 'I agree @therealstephenhawking. Women are not funny. Never have been. Never will be.' Liz's response: 'Nerd rage!'

Tracy:Tracy says he never realized Jenna was trying to be funny: 'I guess I just thought she was a wig model.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Name one truly funny woman.' Liz: 'No. I refuse to answer this question with a list. It's insulting. You wouldn't ask an Asian person to give you a list of good Asian drivers.' Tracy immediately responds: 'Gary Tang, Ziang Chu, Roy Chung—' Liz: 'Stop it.' Tracy: 'I was done anyway.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy lists things men like that women should appreciate: 'Football. Motorcycles. Steak restaurants. Really dark superhero movies.' Liz: 'These are things that suck.'

Tracy:After Liz storms out: 'Well, that went well. See? That's the kind of hilarious button chicks can't come up with.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy wants to put a monkey named Professor Wigglebottom on TGS. Liz: 'So no women are funny, but you want me to put a monkey on the show.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Name one funny monkey.' Liz: 'No! I refuse to answer this question with a list. It's insulting to monkeys, and their descendants... Humans!' Tracy: 'I win again.'

Tracy · Writers:Tracy arrives with Professor Wigglebottom, an actual monkey in business clothes with a suitcase 'like he's going on a business trip.' Writers laugh; Tracy narrates: 'Why's he being so professional?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'He could play a young Steven Tyler.' Then: 'He looks like me if I were fancy.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Male nipples, funny. Monkey nipples, funny. Female nipples, useless!'

Tracy:Tracy's response to the sketch: 'That was actually funny, Liz. So why do TGS suck so much?'

Tracy:Tracy thinks the funniest part was 'when you were, like, "come in, I'm a doctor" and you had on that lab coat, like a doctor. A lady doctor... Oh my God, that is hilarious!'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy describes Jenna as 'that sad old prostitute trying to look young' — Jenna's delighted response: 'Old? Thank you, Tracy.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Lolo Jones, a man couldn't even do that doctor sketch. We would've just been sitting there listening to his medical advice.'

Tracy:Tracy to Professor Wigglebottom: 'Wait... You're a female? How you doin', girl?'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy lists funny women at Liz's prompting: 'Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin.' Liz: 'Yes, thank you, Tracy. Those are all very funny women.' Tracy: 'Funny women? Those are the names of my fingers.'

Tracy:Tracy continues: 'Irma Bombeck, Tig Notaro... Is my impression of a Chinese person.'

Frank · Tracy:Frank: 'Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'nique, and Roseanne Barr. Now that's some funny women.' Tracy: 'All of whom have screamed at me because they were on their period.'

Tracy:It's a combination of elderly shut-ins, beach bums, bus passengers who ran out of money, swamp people and pirates.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Voting is a great American tradition. Like laziness or, eh...' [trails off, implying he can't think of another example]

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'Like how you must have felt four years ago when you finally got to vote for a president who looks like you.' Tracy: 'Black Shrek ran for president?'

Tracy:'I forgot about that half-nerd.'

Tracy · Kenneth:'Probably because I get all my news from social media. And I've been banned from all social media.' / 'You have? Why?' / 'Someone has to be the first person to make a joke after a celebrity dies.'

Tracy · Kenneth:'I guess I was a little "too soon" with Andy Griffith.' / 'What did you say?' / 'I can't unhear it! I can't unhear it!'

Tracy:Tracy's advice to Kenneth on voting: 'Columbus thought he was in India! And did he worry about being wrong? No! He just called everybody Indians. And we still do it today! Why? 'Cause.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Just like when we named this country after the fourth or fifth guy who discovered it. Amerigo Vespucci? Who cares? America!'

Tracy:'Hey! I wasn't watching cute little kitten videos! I was watching pornography! Who put these sleepy kitten videos on here?'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'You must have a lot of bad jokes about deceased celebrities just filling up your brain.' / Tracy: 'Yes, and they're pushing out important information. I don't know where I live, lady!'

Tracy:'Ten, fifteen minutes. Less if I count genocides as celebrities.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'I can't do that to my dear friend and co-worker Jenna Jameson.' / Liz: 'No, Tracy. Jenna Maroney.' / Tracy: 'Cool.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'How about "Me69"?' [as Jenna's password] / Liz: 'Yep!'

Tracy:Tracy: 'No, I can say that word. I'm black.' / 'But Dick Clark wasn't!'

Tracy:Tracy walks into Jack's office wearing Aunt Phatso costume and asks 'What's the matter, Jack Donaghy? Did somebody accidentally swing a wrecking ball...'

Tracy:Tracy to two white men: 'Get me a black coffee, by which I mean, a Sunkist.' When they object, he says: 'I don't see race, you white bastards.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'That's Leslie Van Vondervann. He used to be on Knots Landing. My twin is dead.'

Tracy:The sequel title: 'Tracy Jordan's Aunt Phatso's Jack Donaghy's We At It Again.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'You can't order me around. Who do you think I am? Liz Lemon?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Whatever. I'll speak at both your funerals.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'Typical Jack Donaghy, giving me no respect. I'm the CEO of my own company. I'm rich. I'm just like you!' / Jack: 'Just like me? I went to Princeton. I neglected a tiger. I'm on the board of the New York Philharmonic.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I'm friends with Phil Harmonic, the worst rapper of all time.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'Think about that during your five-night appearance on Watch What Happens Live.' / Tracy: 'No! Andy Cohen is so catty!'

Tracy:Tracy enters Jack's meeting: 'No, thank you. I prefer to lie down.' / Presents lawyers: 'One is German, one is Japanese. And you don't bring these guys together to play Patty-cake. This is war.'