Tracy Jordan

I am a Jedi!

Did he just say the word 'pumpkin' to me?

I'm buggin'. I can't do this. I cannot eat here. I got to go someplace where they make food that I like.

That's racist. I'm not on crack. I'm straight-up mentally ill.

I'm not on crack. I'm straight-up mentally ill.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other, to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets

That's a metaphor. / Sure.

Your teeth

He's got charisma. No, that's Charisma over there.

Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed-up fingers

This honky grandma be trippin'!

I am the third heat!

I am the third heat!

I can't wait to do this with you every week.

'Cause you look good, like a solid gold candy bar!

Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt.

You smoke weed, right, Pete? Uh... No. Yeah, me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you.

Relax your balls, Pete.

Well if you ever want to piss off your parents, you come see me.

I got a character named Biscuit. Write that up. Got another character named Raylondo, who's a two-foot tall Spanish hustler.

Got another character named Ching Chong, who loves to play Ping Pong. I just made that up right now. 'Cause that's how I flow.

Freaky deakies need love too. Freaky deakies need love too.

Wow. That was embarrassing for you.

And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

Right, Jenna Mulvaney? Maroney. Rhymes with Baloney.

And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, Mabaloney?

Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?

Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it.

A crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

And Toofer's just afraid of black people. Which one is Toofer? The black guy. Oh.

Let's crash my car to see if the air-bags go off.

I got a yacht. I got a solid gold jet-ski. Two Batmobiles. The AIDS monkey's bones...

Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

Oh, that's Spanish for 'remember your mother.' No, I don't think it is.

Did you know that all the writers in that magazine are also conductors?

Grizz is driving the boat? Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

What's the deal with pudding? I'm Bill Cosby. Jell-o! Sweaters!

Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and a chicken container.

Like chicken and a chicken container.

I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts... Crazy 7, Albuquerque Freak-Out, One-Card Stud. Yeah, I don't think those are real games.

Whatever. Get ready to get took.

What up, Tra? This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, 3 is a jinx, 5s are 25.

Made out of shrimp and diving into a bowl of shrimp.

So, hey, Dot Com, are we going to those three clubs tonight? You know, the doctor said I have four hearts in my body?

'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people and not while I'm driving.

Live every week like it's Shark Week

From Yankee Stadium. Yes, sir!

Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes.

Would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires? Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law.

Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va-jay-jay.

Rehearsal? We did a show last week. I just came to pick up a paycheck.

Next Friday is Damon Dash's birthday party. And the Friday after that there's an orgy over at Elizabeth Hasselbeck's.

I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at.

Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC! Very proud, like peacocks, right, Janet?

Let's go rescue Karen or whatever. Is there a Cheryl? Then she could tell us where drugs are-- I mean gold-- Then we got the car chase. I'm getting way too old for this!

I can't read, Liz Lemon! My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies' bathroom.

I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent!

I think I voted for Nader! Nader!

All thanks to one very, very special white lady.

You hear this mess about sometimes Y being a vowel? What a world.

Where the hot lesbians at, Lemon? I knew it! You can read!

I even have a column in Ebony called Musings!

That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that. No, Bill Cosby said that. That's racist.

I once shot a whole movie without ever getting out of my car? Yeah, I paid to see that. That was supposed to be a western.

When Gaybraham Lincoln gets hit in the crotch, can I go cross-eyed? Oh, yes, do that. That's hilarious!

It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks when, actually, I'm doing the robot goin' backwards into a Starbucks.

If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor. And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!

[screaming] No!

Who normal now? You hear me, America? Who's normal now?

And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. A movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo.

I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed. Ba-boom! That's another 'Not Normal.'

Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow?

Tattoo's fake, Donaghy. Fake. Street cred. He's a genius.

I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. Oh, jeez. All right, no, okay.

You know, I used to be very rich. Handsome? Yes. You find me handsome? Yes, very much.

Me and my wife like to play "rape." She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then I put on a ski mask... Okay, not that.

I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding dong.

I can tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone. Oh, what was that? I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy... No.

My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone? What phone? Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing! Ring! Ring!

Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing! Ring! Ring!

I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and minister Farrakhan. And not the minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.

Who's that dude? Uh, what dude? The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.

I'm bugging out! I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out!

Blue man! That blue dude keeps following me! Meek, eep.

Meek, eep.

No! Past Pete is here to kill Future Pete! It's going great.

You're gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man! Blue man, where your feet at?

Blue man, where your feet at?

Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!

Hunky Grandma Be Trippin' made $96 million.

Whoopi Goldberg does it every day!

I wanna hold a mirror up to society, and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Are you black?

Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks.

Like professor Martin Luther King said, I have a feeling.

Uncle Tom, party of one.

Hello, I'm Star Jones. And welcome to the Star Jones Gastric Bypass Cooking Show. Now you know, I can only eat small portions. Oh, my goodness! Dessert.

Hey, this isn't gonna change the way you dress or eat lollipops, is it?

We must get our freak on while our fruit is a-plentiful.

Hi, I'm Liz Lemon! I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

Oprah and Steadman are the same person.

That's why he/she won't run for president.

The Mars probe didn't brake. It was attacked by a Martian cougar.

This is untoward. This is not toward!

Russian mobs, invisible motorcycles... Sex pooping.

Phone conversation escalating from 'I need $60,000' to 'I need $100,000, or I'm gonna lose both my houses!'

Tracy escalates from needing $60,000 to $100,000 when asked 'which house?'

Tracy's money manager is Grizz, who lost everything in Worldcom

Oh, you mean Jesus? No-- Miguel from set design. He's over there.

Eurek-o!

Tired of your sandwich making you angry? Then behold the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine!

Bologna, salami, boar-- Whatever! Into this sexy lady and she will melt them all together into one delicious food ball.

Never again will you have to suffer through the bread part of your sandwich.

Not the Ukraine. I own some property on the Dnieper River. In Volyn? Closer to Cherkasy.

A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight?

This television programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass ache, and I want you to get it out of here.

They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.

I left the party on a bacon run.

January 17th. 2007? Yeah. Ah, dammit! I knew this was going to happen.

My autobiography is due tomorrow.

I think my snake is sick, so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly 'til he poops.

She was just sitting there in her house coat, holding one of her boobs like this.

You knew when Sonny was coming over, 'cause she would take us to the store and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter.

According to Wikipedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984. I have no memory of that. Write it up.

* Imagine Christmas wishes * Shooting out of your eyes * A candy cake * Full of snow dreams * A stocking full of smiles * It's a Jordan Christmas *

Woke up in the camper at the auto show, and that's how 2006 ended.

We do not want your book. Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.

Pete, there are two types of women in this world... one who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you, like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie.

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Where's your spinal cord, son?

That's why eight times a week I go to the strip club. It gives me energy, which I bring back to her.

He saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down. He killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell out of there.

Be a Samson! You're a better man than this. But she's so smooth.

Who's that tickling my feet? I'm gonna kick you in your face. I know that.

You make me want to vomit!

Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the Soho Grand, where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

We have reports of a nitrogen leak on this floor. Oh, no, our room is fine. I mean, we don't smell it. Oh, it's odorless, sir.

I think it's coming... from my butt. Oh, no! I'm married!

Yo, is this about that little red-headed intern? 'Cause she asked me to take it out.

I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

The dude from my checks?

I'll see you in CT, Jackie D.

No, I don't want to get in it. I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

You know the army's been messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff get in your hang, you're done.

Hey, how come you don't hire more black people around here?

How come there's just me and Carlton over there?

I'm supposed to just be a funny black man who says funny things.

Bartender, could you bring me a Mustang Melon and a bag of barbeque potato chips? 'Cause apparently I'm only here to be a stereotype.

Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

I'm ridiculous. I'm black! I may even be ugly. But dear God... I'm here! I'm here! And nothing but them can keep me from it!

God, it's like dating Katie Couric all over again.

When my daughter Shahita was born, she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. She looked like my Uncle Rupert in a diaper.

We stayed up all night the night before watching bible movies and eating Fiddle Faddle.

She threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership.

I don't have a daughter.

Yo, remember that email we got from those Nigerians that needed our help gettin' all that money out of Africa? We did it! I got the check today.

Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi? / Nah. I don't even use the ones I have.

Fatballz? / Studying hotel administration at Cornell. / Well, go ahead, Fatballz! That's a good program.

I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

The sun'll come out Tomorrow... Fa la la la

Where's Jackée?

I love Halo so much, I wanna take it out behind a middle school and get it pregnant!

I like to keep things fresh so much, that I wanna take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by the transitive property, you should beat me too!

What is the world's only egg-laying mammal? / The Easter bunny! / Right again!

Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.'s number, so I gave it to him. / You did what? / Damn it, K, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mom on how they both mad at the twins.

Television on! / Pornography!

I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

Don't go, Liz Lemon! There's still a after-after- after-after-after-party! I just gotta take my kids to soccer first.

Ridikolus-- the hip-hop producer? Isn't that the guy that bit Suge Knight? Yeah, yeah-- He bit Suge Knight. Held Raven Simone over a balcony. Made Rasheed Wallace cry.

Don't let no one in who's not on the list 'Cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi, so haters to the left.

You're lookin' at a ghost, JD. Dead Man Walking, The Green Mile, Christmas With the Klumps.

Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you would just break dance at 'em. I'm talking about break hard, pull it back-- pop, boom, boom-- Into gladiator-- Bring it back down.

I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

Is that a piece of corn in there?

Tom Cruise, 'cause that's how Oprah says it. 'Tom!' That's good; sounds like her.

Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. It's like Christmas. Or shooting people outside of Hot 97.

I called his pitbull a gaywad on 106 & Park.

We were both cast members on a Nickelodeon show called Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.

See, it's a Catch 22! Aw, he's gonna be there too.

I'm just going through the classic stages of grief. Fear... Denial... Horniness... Wisdom, sleepiness-- And now, depression.

The manatee has become the mento.

No--I think you like to dress black men up as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.

I'm gonna find a homeless man, dress him up like me, set him on fire, then I'm gonna start a brand-new life in Arizona under the new name 'Ron Mexico.'

Well, I think I speak for the both of us when I say because they're metal penises.

What would Oprah do? Would she run away from her community, or would she face her problems head-on and try to make a difference at the Source Awards. What would I doooo!

You're all my children of the corn.

Because everyone is getting Vermont maple scooo-oones!

My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively. 'Cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet.

He pointed right at me! He sure did!

Kabbalah is a wonderful religion that mixes the fun part of Judaism with magic.

I'm IrisCatholic now. Like you, Regis, and the Pope.

I never got out of my car and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth!

Jasper Buceman? / No, Tracy. Our third president. Thomas Jefferson.

This is how black people dial a phone. *Boop ood a-boop a-doop a-doop whoop* This is how white people dial a phone.

It's like the audience for a Bobby McFerrin concert up in here!

I think he's shaking hands with Robert E. Lee.

Confederate Monster: The Tobias Spurlock Disaster.

It's not a comedy. It's a drama.

It's the story of Thomas Jefferson, only thing we're gonna do it like Norbit, where I play all the parts. That's actually hilarious. It's not a comedy. It's a drama.

I call it 'Jefferson.' A movie version of 'The Jeffersons'? I love it. No, Thomas Jefferson.

You want to play Thomas Jefferson? And Sally Hemings and King George. I'm gonna play all the parts.

What's up, stupid jerks? I'm Thomas Jefferson.

I'm gonna get us one of those big clocks, and I'm gonna hang it in there.

Liz Lemon, you are my Alexander Hamilton.

Could you go away for a while? I got to get rid of Freddie's erection.

This movie is my destiny. It's the reason why God put me on this Earth.

Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest of? Speakest.

Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings.

Aha, I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

ß I'm gonna get an iPhone ß ß Everybody's gonna be jealous ß

It's gonna be at least $30 million with all the Claymation sex scenes in it.

I'm gonna have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse.

The Black Crusaders.

Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors. But Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell, and Gordon from Sesame Street, they're members too.

And they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty.

They tanked 50 Cent's movie. They blew out Terrell Owens' ankle. And they canceled Eddie Murphy's Oscar, 'cause he, uh, ran out on Scary Spice.

It's an anagram for 'Outlaw Sour Tray.'

They want me to disappear like Coolio. Coolio is around!

My name is Gordon Tremeshko.

Did he go to Russell Simmons' birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?

I'd rather die famous than to live for 100 years like this, carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth.

If I die, will you take care of my birds? I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken. Oh. Tweety.

Yo, ken, I'm gon use this whole kitchen area as my bathroom. Spread the word.

She froze my credit and she got custody of grizz.

So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes. I don't think I did know that, no.

You can be a freaky deeky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

they confused 'shim' with mrs. Jordan, yes, ma'am. And they think she looks better here than she did at the 2004 grammys.

And they think she looks better here than she did at the 2004 grammys.

Kenneth parcell, will you take this ring... and sell it in the jewish part of midtown, and use the money to get us a nintendo wii? Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes!

Angie kept my sharp image white noise aroma therapy machine

I need you to go to my house and pretend you're doing a survey for the ranford group. And then ask my wife if she's sleeping with D.L. Hughley!

Remember that night we had a three-way with elayne boosler? I don't think that was me. Oh, yeah. You know what? I think that was a mirror.

I am conducting a survey for the ranford group. And, uh...how old are you? And your weight? And when was the last time you had intercourse? Who is this? Who are you? I'm your worst nightmare, is who I is!

Oh, no! Did a korean person die?

I know what me and kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

ICU81MI 'I see you ate one, am I?' Hilarious.

Angie is in the past, like Dracula and broadcast television.

With who? That guy Mike that re-did our driveway?

Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves

I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken. Jiminy Christmas!

'Cause we live on Dacrib Avenue.

This grilled cheese has mayonnaise in it! What?

I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7:30 today

Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good

You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight

The only way I could feel better about myself is to get booby-slapped by a coked-out Russian stripper

Then my thumb got caught in my butt, so I nodded my head until it came out

Thank you for being my secretary!

But I don't care. 'Cause I'm putting my foot down.

But the both of you, you're forcing me to act like an adult. An adult!

If you desecrate something, is that bad?

Who would have ever known there was so many words? It was like a mos def cd.

Dog fighting it is. Make it happen.

I'd watch that.

What? No! You idiots! I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this?

Tracy, don't play with matches! You're not my dad! Tracy, don't stare directly at the sun. It'll make you crazy. You're not my dad.

I don't need therapy. I'm just mentally ill.

Tracy, what if I told you that the one thing you cannot do is therapy? You're not my dad! We're doing therapy!

Like my wife and I do? Cool. You be the maid. I want you to scream. Donaghy, you play the matador.

They got me. The honkeys shot me. No, dad! Don't die! I love you, dad!

Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party. That's not a real person. You made that up.

Ken went to high school in Georgia with the rapper T.I. And, boys... T.I. might show up.

It combines my two favorite things: Boxing and referees!

Somebody on my block is making waffles, and it's makin' me horny!

Wait, you smell maple syrup too? You live all the way in jersey. That's weird.

Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

Oh, I get it: Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans.

I'm black, she's white. I'm black, she's light-skinned black. I'm black, she's 17.

I get my jamaican meat pies there.

Tell her you want her privates and her privates to do a high-five.

Tell her she got some tig ol' biddies like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

Tell her her butt look like a apple and you wanna take a bite.

Stop eatin' people's old french fries, pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can fly?

I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service.

These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. They are poor as hell.

0-17. / Damn! We supposed to be at the game right now. / 0-18! / That one's on Coach Tracy.

There's a weird dude standing over there, and I don't want to get shot today.

At our first practice, they asked me what the sun was.

A world where orange soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk!

Bush? Now, I don't want to go off on a rant here.

You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

'Betrayal'... colon... 'What Really Happened With My Baseball Team'... comma... 'Disaster at Knuckle Beach'... question mark.

One word. Surge. / That's two words!

I went to Harvard. I did stand-up there this weekend.

Well, I got a squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk bed, so I think I got the full Harvard experience.

Like where are the french fries I did not ask for? You guys need to anticipate me.

Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure. It'll be a slam dunk!

Would you call what we did last night 'sex'?

A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and nothing.

Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.

I spent nine months in Japan shooting 'Samurai, I-Am-Urai.'

It's when you run up on a lady on the streets and pull her tube top down while your friend videotapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.

I'm just kidding. I know he doesn't care what humans do.

What's up, dude? I went to Harvard.

Your lame thing is on his pants.

Perfect. Just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentlemen's barge.

Then you can check out my award. Ha ha ha! Banter!

Shelley Long, you're truly an inspiration to me!

wanizame atakku! Shark attack!

So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York State? That's on me now?

And now? This time of the year? Ludachristmas? Nude Year's Eve? Martin Luther King Day? All you do is drink!

Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot, and drink all I want!

Shut the doors. Some people need to learn about Christmas.

That is not a Christmas tree. It's a way to lure tourists into the basement to buy $20 salads.

I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. Hold that, Kenneth. This is a flask. So y'all probably shouldn't be listening to me.

Tracy, your father is here. My father? Okay, that may have been a dream.

Ken, this is New York, the big easy. Live a little!

That's why my wife and I stopped using a 'safe word.'

Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

You rode the brown serpent.

Who's gonna help me tell white people apart?

You and jack donaghy are the cause of my jawline acne!

Chocolate,chocolate, chocolate! Aack!

Like my cousin steven after he went to music college, it will come out.

Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earth?

If I paid taxes, I sure would.

Lincoln was a Republican? / Actually, today's Republican party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln.

So many different kind of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

My fellow blackmericans-- / Can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as blackmericans.

To build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

To build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

black people, don't vote. Just don't do it. In the amount of time it'd take for you to vote, you could play three games of pool.

I'm Tracy Jordan, and I improve this message.

First of all, the subject of the email was 'Check this out!'

Pay attention to me! I'm inconsolable.

If I'm such a bad dad, why are we all dancing?

Like be a senator. Or a wizard.

Eureka! What is it, Tra? We should call Eureka! She always has good ideas.

Sounds like soda pop. Damn it! Why is leaving your children a legacy that'll live forever so hard?

Yeah,I need to clear my thoughtcicles.

Video games or pornography!

That's it! Make a porn video game!

I'm scared! Get me out of there!

You're like that guy that was always jealous of mozart. Salieri? No,thank you. I already ate.

My genius has come alive, like toys when your back is turned.

Give me it! It's like knives!

Where's my sandwich?! Lutz made us do it! No, it was Frank. No, it was you! I'm a patsy?

Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?

The working title is 'Goregasm... colon... The Legend of Dong-Slayer.'

Yeah, you fixulate this!

Uh-oh. Emotions. You having your woman times?

Not you, Grizz. You're doing great. I memorized all my lines at home.

I don't need another Judi Dench situation.

Touch my knees-butt.

Frank, you've been in your office for three months. What?! Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire!

I still don't know how that advertised Tokyo University.

But I'm gonna use this $300 to buy us all some boots for me.

My video game is selling through the rizznoof! Well, how far through the 'rizznoof'? Whoa, that's not slang. He has a speech impediment.

I think I did it alone... and this check is the prizznoof. Now that one was just him being obnoxious.

I know what you're hinting at, Liz Lemon. I should get my rap career going again.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved in making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terror. Yes, I am provocative.

Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchucks. I will use these only for good.

Petey Pete! For letting us use the sound booth Please accept this chinchilla coat. Wow. You're gonna get so much nice-nice in that you're gonna have to grow an another ding...

Now you look out for my girl, Liz Lemon 'Cause me and her go way back like spinal cords and car seats. That's not really an expression.

It's like a owl without a graduation cap-- heartbreaking.

My boy Ken has written a masterpiece, and trust me, I use that word a lot.

This is worse than the original finale.

They're trying to make him wear a coat that's different than his other coat.

How 'bout if Heroes had this new character, and his superpower was, like, close up magic?

I refuse to play the role of Mac in universal's upcoming Night Court movie.

You know my two sons, tracy,jr. And george foreman?

This is voodoo,ken! Those two are up to something.

the life-sized tracy jordan sex doll. They're selling like hotcakes in japan.

I thought that was just a tagline for my movie,death bank.

My kids are going to kill me!

Don't menendez me.

That's not me. That's the tracy jordan japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.

To use as a decoy. So my greedy children will murder it, and i'll be able to escape un-mendezed.

Both families are rich, both families have two sons, and both families are staples of court tv.

Stop it. Stop patriciding!

If anything ever happens to me, you and your brother are going to go to jail.

Also everything worked out with jenna's dad visiting. What? Oh,you weren't really around for any of that.

what? But you're down there. Or am i?

You know, a lot of people look down on sex dolls. But as we saw tonight,they save lives and bring families together.

How come there ain't no puerto ricans on star trek?! They got every race and life-Form in the galaxy, Except for puerto ricans. What's up with that?

Grizz had to go to the optometrist. Making up words won't save you.

This studio hosted The kraft television theater in the 1950s, Where young writers like paddy chayefsky and rod serling First rose to prominence.

We're not really best friends. We're just good friends.

'I have to spend it all on useless things, like gold shoes and Grizz and Dotcom'

'When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young M.C. concert'

'I'll bring Angie in. But I'm going to tell her this is all your idea'

'She's done it before, Jack'

'When I'm on my death bed, Frenching my wife, I will think of you'

Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today?

It was a bad one. Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.

My what? ...No. ...With what? My arms? ...That would be the worst part!

I also want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually while we spend time together on this adventure.

And what's the best medicine? Medicine? Laughter.

What? Why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz!

Could I replace it with a wheel like Rosie from 'The Jetsons'?

It's a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes.

There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, like Larry Bird or Colorado.

Next, you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment.

N-O-E... no! E.

Through the stone?

I have so much energy my hand keeps dancing!

When I quote lines from your movie, that's not racist? Of course not. I transcend race.

You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at.

A yard, like a lawn? Yes, I have.

Have you ever tasted Scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call 'box seats at the Rangers game,' it's so cold!

And what is Rohypnol?

So I shouldn't have taken two of them for my headache?

Tonight, shooters at Blockheads, lay a base, meet up with my bro-hams at Cornell club? You know it, bri-man!

I have no idea what either one of us just said.

Here come the roofies. You can do whatever you want to me.

Shoot it, dog! I'm going to! I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth?

It's like I said in my not-hit comedy Cruise Boat, 'I'm getting too old for this ship.'

Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles.

And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?

I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old. But you just told us you're old. This interview is over.

I'm just funning, it's all sewed up.

Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms. Magoo.

That is cold, blind lady! Oh, and by the way... you are not so attractive, yourself. No, I'm... I'm pretty sure I'm hot. Yes, you are. I tried.

I've cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.

NGS Fridays at c-thirty on TB-10.

But then he scores a basket, even though he's not a wolf anymore.

Larry, I'm not an expert, but I do have a strong opinion. New York as we know it will no longer exist tomorrow.

in the days before Starbuck.

and the movies are only cost three dollars.

I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour but two weeks into shooting I was replaced by Jackie Chan.

calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.

Devil's avocado here, Larry, I think people should freak the geek out.

if some of it was gone I'd probably wouldn't even notice. Now why would you say that? I don't know.

At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is gonna turn back into a high-powered rats, fighting over a human finger.

Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy, and that is an impostor. Hang up! Hang up on him Larry! I'm going to, but not because you told me.

Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere Larry, that's my friend Peter Frampton on the phone.

Without giving it away: the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place.

I never said it was a 'thing.' It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock.

Watch TGS Fridays at 10:30 on NBC! Word.

I don't have a birth certificate because I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.

And who knows when February 24th will come again?

I wished for you to get better. I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with RoboCop while that elephant paints us.

Wake up, mother --

50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half?

I guess 'F.C.C.' stands for 'Federal Bunch of Sticklers'.

I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV.

That's always the lesson! If you have money, you can do whatever you want.

What sounds more shocking? Or...

All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss, Liz Lem...

I'll just buy up all the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants.

I am an advertiser.

Check out my funcooker!

My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them? Because they're out by the trash cans.

Here comes the funcooker.

You're my Radar O'Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet till you hear a chopper coming.

Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.

Bill Cosby, you got a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette. / 1971, Cincinnati. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye.

Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable... with your light-ass kids!

# My girl has a fat neck? I'm sharp, let's do it again.

# Fat-necked girl, let me count your neck rings?

Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack... with Kenneth.

If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and $30 million

What is this, Horseville? Because I am surrounded by 'neigh'-sayers. Wordplay.

Of escaping the slums. Of killing an Ewok.

Computer, when do I get some Tang? Also... I'm thirsty.

Are go for launch. Star Wars. [Imitates Ewok]

I'm scared! But I'm also excited! I'm 'lizzing'!

And sometimes, it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance.

If everyone could see the world the way I see it... it would be a better place to live.

Yeah, okay. Birds are like little dinosaurs. So what i'll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave.

Oh, and one thing, don't go into my bedroom. / What? / Do not go into my bedroom.

don't go in the bedroom. / Don't go in the bedroom. / I wasn't going to! I wasn't going to! Bye!

And all masked murderers share three characteristics: Cruelty to animals... / He grew up killing pigs! / Bedwetting. / No wonder he's fascinated when i do that! / And an inability to read human facial queues! / I admonished him for that earlier! / Three for three. He's a monster!

Kenneth's a murderer and the riddler's coming! / no. it's a bug bomb. get out. get out. / It's poisonous. Ah! / Ah!

Yeah,well, liz lemon's in jail now.

Are you daphne? Yeah,you're fired.

Like that hbo show. John adams.

Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

Just think,an hour ago they were brawling in a parking lot, But tonight, they're gonna be stars.

Why are you smiling? You're freaking me out.

She was working at the Dyker Heights Arthur Treacher's and I was residing there.

It's either going to be a denim jacket that says 'Hot Bitch' in diamonds... Or a Slanket.

You are wise, Liz Lemon like a genetically-manipulated shark.

I'm wearing it as a joke.

I can't have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs.

And you know my signature move with the ladies. It's... / Taking off your shirt.

Now, it's a Sophie's Choice.

if you want everyone to think I own a gay lion! Tangiers?

And you're going to be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. / Jesus is my stereo guy and The Wilderness is a club I took him to once.

In the 20 years that I've known her... I've never cheated on my wife.

All the phone numbers you see me hand out? They're not even mine.

So can you because I'm a ridiculous, unstable human being.

I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday!

You treat me like one of those little pageant girls with the clip-on teeth.

Irregardless!

You know what? Race card. No, don't accept it!

Dear racist Liz Lemon... this is how you treat me, like a white-whiskered gibbon put on this earth to do nothing but dance around for your amusement And reduce the insect population of Malaysia.

Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.

What do you care? You voted for Nader!

Fine, I'll bring my lunch from home.

[Extended mutual laughter escalation]

Professional is my middle name. No need. I've got it memorized.

I'm going to do a Valentino cross, Camera right, then dump the laugh. So stay on your fours, guys! One, two, three, jump and pose!

Not Indians. Not whatever this guy is.

We're dressing monkeys up as people, And monkeys are playing with people as toys!

Tracy is practicing sitting when Jack enters

Tracy's logic about his dead father: if he were alive, he'd be living in Tracy's house taking $200k annually to mow the lawn

Tracy's bizarre guess about Jack's secret: he bought a motorcycle sidecar but his dog refuses to sit in it

Tracy's admission: 'It wasn't easy saying that. I struggled to say that sentence'

Tracy's elaborate metaphor about feeling shocked and scared 'like a dog in a sidecar when it detaches from the motorcycle'

Tracy's announcement of reading about his illegitimate son in 'Black Contractors and Butts' magazine

Tracy repeats the sidecar metaphor again about media hawks discovering the story

Tracy introduces his son Donald: 'I want you kids to meet a bastard - my little bastard Donald Jordan'

'Listen Tracy, you're 39 years old, right?' / 'Of course, why would I lie about my age? I work in entertainment'

Liz and Kenneth testing Tracy's age with Rob Base's 'It Takes Two' - Tracy performs it perfectly despite claiming to be 39

Donald's birth certificate that Tracy 'printed for him' and leaving a check blank as requested

Tracy's admission: 'Liz Lemon, I may hug people warmly and get lost in malls, but I'm not stupid'

Tracy comparing Donald to John Travolta's character in 'Grease': attractive, charismatic, and off the straight path

Donald spent Kenneth's chess set money on condoms for the boys at the community center

The karate school is named 'Tracy Jordan Karate for Black People'

Because Frank Lucas High School was a hellhole. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school.

Science was my most favorite subject especially the Old Testament.

It's true! There is no Baby! I was chicken! I was chicken!

[Crying]: Don't die! I love you, Jack! [various crying clips]

I have a wolf dog, I have two bad knees and a gun... that I lost.

We called him Mean Steve, but his real name was Steven Killer.

And I guarantee you, every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States.

Okay, but I'm allergic to horses.

Okay, but I'm allergic to horses.

You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace. No kids banging on the door. No phones ringing. It's my time... every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00 P.M.!

I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about!

[Thinking]: And so began the craziest summer of my life. How'd you say that without moving your mouth?

Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?

Don't look at me in the eyes!

I better talk to Rabbi Shmuley about this

Another actor? Why, they have so many feelings and opinions?

You two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid boobie

And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on?

Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?

Um... which one is the elevator I'm not afraid of?

I think he's a friend. Uh... Oh, never mind. There's a door, I'm out. Oh, it's sunny!

Are you a large child or a small adult? You look regular.

Do you have change for a $10,000 bill?

I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.

That's incorrect! Lift with your legs!

Meet my new friends, 'Nobody', and his wife, 'Susan Walters-Hyphen-Nobody'.

liz lemon! you booger face! i'm gonna kill you with a bazooka!

a book hasn't caused me this much trouble since where's waldo went to that barber pole factory.

so instead of going to a hotel, or my houseboat, which i cannot find, i'm staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.

oh, yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. just put him in the tub with a reef.

tracy and liz's residence. tracy speaking.

if your man owns a diamond necklace that says open marriage, that's a dealbreaker!

the curious case of benjamin butt.

i'ma do us? what does that even mean? that's a pun on amadeus, dummy.

until you're adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica.

oh, yeah, and i used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from the teaching company.

and cut. this is disgusting. shut it down.

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

Keep refreshing. Maybe Andy dick has died in the last 20 seconds.

And i will get onstage and people will laugh even when i forget my, um, my--line. lines.

he's evil tracy? Oh, he's evil 'comma' tracy

i once saw that guy become trigorin At the wesleyan artspace.

and this is a reimbursement form for my gas. I drove a million miles

The hornberger system will de-vail. Is that the opposite of prevail?

Liz lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.

Wade bogg's carpet world. Wade bogg's carpet world. Wade bogg's carpet world.

He knows you're special, like a black stripper with blue eyes.

Wade bogg's carpet world.

Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom.

Kenneth in charge? Crazier things have happened.

All white people look the same to me, pete.

Nine hours. A few minutes.

I wanted waffles.

'Cause after all, what's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?

It's 'take your black kid to work day.'

Oh, no, Vanessa into a concert! Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes!

Damn it! I ain't live like this! I'm getting a vasectomy too!

I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.

You lied to me, Bill Cosby! You lied to me!

That's why my life is not like the Cosby Show. I only have boys, and boys are disgusting!

Don't snip my vas deferens!

Why did I sell my Delorean to Mr. T?

I hope he makes mean across helmet so I don't get hurt playing across!

Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Come over here and check out my corner. - No trap. - What? Come over here, I said... In my normal tone of voice.

and not the one I got from eating batteries.

I mean, havin' a daughter's Like goin' to the nba all-star weekend. It changes you. Makes you want to take your wife to the doctor.

I said 'click' to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.

There was a better kid's birthday party up the street!

Your hair did? You just got your hair did! You have to get your hair did again?

What's that? I want it! I forgot why I originally came in here!

Sure. I know him from the secret black people meetings.

Nah, I'm just kiddin'. He's not invited.

That's a good goal for a talented crazy person.

I got us all this 'EGOT' necklace for me.

and especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.

♪ I've started already ♪

How could five of the most popular musical styles all played at once sound so bad?

Wait! Is that a daytime Emmy? - It still counts. Girl's gotta eat.

♪ baby girl ♪ ♪ you're the missing piece ♪ ♪ the perfect fit ♪ ♪ baby girl ♪ ♪ you're the product of doing it ♪

I won't be around a lot, 'cause I'm 'EGOT'-ing.

We're lucky people laugh when I say stuff.

over the break,i forgot what floor i worked on. six,tracy. six! i knew it was a character from blossom,but i couldn't find the joey russo button.

i know it's a girl,liz lemon,because i yelled "susan b.anthony" at the moment of conception.

so we gonna name her either virginia,netjet,or bathroom at teterboro airport.

i like to take the shampoo and put it in the little travel size bottles. then i take the original bottle and put it back in the shower. for later.

and before you worked here,were you an ass scientist? because your ass blah,blah,blah.you get the point.

virginia? but that's gonna be my daughter's name. are you also someone's daughter? uh,yeah. is every woman someone's daughter?

you have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time.

kenneth,your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians!

to be comtinued..... really?

what?It's true.she does look like one of those.

even you foreigners.

10:00 a.m.dotcom shows up pictures From his trip to greece. i think i'm gonna go ahead and cancel that.

hey, watch your mouth!She's only 34 years old!

when they were little, i threw them in the deep end of our pool to help them get over their fearof sharks.

Can't make me stay here! you are a part of this entourage. i didn't ask to bein this entourage! look!I know you didn't mean that. i do mean it.I'm not like you! i'll never be like you!

not for a billion doll hairs. i'm sorry.Did you say 'doll hairs'? yeah, they're not worth nothing.

Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here, Cleveland. / You suck. / I suck? The rock and roll hall of fame sucks!

You lying, white devil! The only people you set free were rich, white dudes like yourself!

For a dude that has the most hilarious last name I ever heard, you blow.

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!

Then patriots are overrated. / Hey! What'd you say about the patriots? / I said they suck!

Really? So five years after Crispus Attucks was killed in the Boston massacre? / Run, Crispus. He... he's on to us!

I'm sorry. Would you like to stay in my guest house? Yeah. Thanks. When's good to go over there? Oh, I'm not offering. I'm just taking a survey To gauge general interest.

Just like the one our nanny used To catch me watching her sleep.

Did you learn nothing from Jurassic Park?

I don't mean to be the black guy at the movie, But you better move, girl!

If you are spending your mornings with Kenneth, What's your release?

On Valentine's Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart-shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to a soup kitchen. And that's where it starts to get sexy.

A future Tony-nominated actor

I'm doing a one-man show. / Tonight. / What am I, a nerd? I'm going to keep it loose

Five hours

Honey, I'm home! / Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! / Jeffrey, we lost the tournament!

Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement?

Got it, no farting

After me. / No, Tracy. / No, stop it, not this part. / No, stop it. / Up. / We've got to start over. / I farted

You were a fat baby

[Tracy reading phone book names on stage] Klarsfeld, Rubin M. Klarvet, Yuri...

No, the premier talent agency For black dwarves.

My addiction to prescription glasses.

Jack, your shoes are shiny.

madder Than a bat in a suitcase.

But it's like a black barbie doll in Arizona. Nobody's buying it.

Hey, baby, it's your husband. So I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond, And I can't remember, Did you say to get metal or wood shower curtain rings?

Like Hilary... From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

It looked like a close-up of a killer whale being born

Not now, Jackie D. I heard on the walkie-talkies that there's a redheaded MILF walking around with some executive.

A guy on the subway just called me a biggledeeboo.

I've learned the word 'black' in every language, just so I'll know when to be offended. Russian, chernyi. Korean, hoog-een.

It's an 18th-century word for 'dark-skinned moor.'

Dolphin... Eeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeee-eeeee-ee-eee-eee-eee!

Barry Obams is the one who brought it back!

All you've ever known is your affirmative-action job and queen latifah covergirl commercials.

Oh, yeah? How come I'm always forced to play ridicarus characters that don't enununcia tewell.

Nerds?

Well, I yelled 'baba booey' at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.

Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole ass-ache blows over?

To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying.

And once I'm there, I'll determine how much to charge you.

I trained him to hate white people, because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white.

He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property, just because he'd run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors' horses.

No, we're not supposed to do any sex stuff while she's on bed rest. Oh! Like a real one! I'm on it!

Nope! I'm in a strip club! My bad!

I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard!

First of all, the secret service never gave me back my t-shirt cannon

People don't say that anymore. They say 'surf party, usa.'

But parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.

It will turn on you, like your wife after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

It will turn on you, like your wife after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

But my body's gonna take me to Liz Lemon's.

Put the electric dog collar on me. It would be my honor.

That's how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.

Unfortunately, there's only one Tracy Jordan, but sometimes he's needed in two places.

I suggest you cut off a finger and throw it in the river.

Maybe this doesn't work on people. Aah! Aah! Oh, my neck! My swan-like neck!

I'm free. I can go anywhere I want... Like Liz's party or one of those places where you skydive over a huge fan.

Life is like tv. Testing tells us that people like weddings, births, And episodes where a character dies.

You sound like my mother Talking to the planned parenthood lady.

You sound like my mother being pulled onstage At a 2 live crew concert.

My mother had problems.

The wedding band is u2? No! You two idiots!

I've known you since you was six feet tall!

and because of you, I'm having a tantrum! Now pick up that table and smash it for me!

Before I show you the back of my hand.

He's in love with grizz's fiancee... Feyonce! Oh, your stutter is back. No, grizz's fiancee's name is feyonce. Like beyonce with an 'f.'

You think that's impressive, Watch me stand on one foot. Hang on. I did it earlier.

Like when they was looking for John McCain's running mate.

I'm kidding. This needs to be taken seriously.

Oh, wait, is she aquaman's girlfriend?

That could be anyone! We all look the same to me.

I am a movie star, a television actor, and a guinness book of world record holder for most car accidents in a single year.

whose resume has 'black judge' on it nine times.

who recorded an anti-condom psa? I saved a lot of kids from lame sex!

Because you're talking in the ear that I didn't lose a button in.

And she is a good actress. I bought those pajamaralls.

I think I'm ready for the sex talk.

It's a pun. Because cats' paws have grooves.

And they're paying me exactly one million teachers' salaries.

It's either this or I submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust.

I remember being born, of course. I remember learning how to ride a bike. But that was last year.

I remember the summer my Webelos group went camping, and we were taken by the Hill People. Next thing I knew, summer was over and it was time for back to school shopping.

No, I don't. I was on a yacht with the Roots last week.

I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs. I watched a prostitute stab a clown.

Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage!

Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

Nermal, I hate you, Nermal! Almost as much as I hate Mondays! This is my lasagna! You hear me, Nermal? My lasagna!

A crack-head breastfeeding a rat. A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on the third rail of the G train. The G train, Nermal!

I seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom!

I once bit into a Merino and there was a child's shoe in it!

A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's!

The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time!

The sewer people stole my skateboard!

I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!

That's how I got out of doing foreplay with Angie.

That's my boy.

After the other location couldn't support the weight Of Grizz's extended family.

Oh, I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist

I need you to go to the dry cleaners for me and find out how martinizing works. I've always been curious

Then I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it

Of course. I knew that

Kenneth, I knew you'd come back! Let me smell your head

Just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time

Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?

Like the World Cup

No, you do not exist! I'm in control of this!

Of course it would. It would know anything I knew because it sprung from my imagination

Why don't you come back home to TGS and pick the peas out of my fried rice? And the rice. I just want carrots

But don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?

Obviously, I'm going to need the tote bag

I'm 'werewolfing' myself.

I've missed the birth of both of my sons for very legitimate reasons. Cooking a French-bread pizza and forgot.

And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.

There's something about you lately, make me want to put my feet in your mouth.

I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break dancing and lunch?

It's like I always say... 'white cab drivers are weird.'

Despite having gone to middle school in an exxon station?

Because 'centipeding' means having sex with 100 women.

Fyi, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.

I know, 'cause I'm a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and lazy Susan herself!

I know that, because if I go back there, I'll be executed.

I got to go feed the meter.

Why's that baby covered with goop? / 'Cause everything about this is disgusting.

You want to make God laugh? Make a plan... Or read him a Dave Barry book.

There's no baby in here. / Good God! / Oh, she's in the crib. / Good.

I hate to say I told you so... So welcome to Miami.

I hate to say I told you so... So welcome to Miami.

Will you ask congress where they put the USA network? I've been trying to find monk for, like, three months.

Call Grizz. I need someone around who's not just a yes man. Whatever you say, Tray.

What if there was a talking dog? I'd like to see that incorporated into your rewrite.

Good. And there's a lot of buzz. Can you hear it too? Or is my tinnitus acting up?

I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine.

Thanks, Obama care.

Of course, not. His album doesn't drop until December.

It was even funnier than the porn version

You should have. Those dudes were awesome.

I swear on my mother's grape. - Did you say grave or grape? - Yes, good-bye.

I'm doing something called 'breaking'!

Because if I do, that judge is gonna make me join the Coast Guard.

Scripts get in the way of my process, Shawn. Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get.

We're the luckiest people on earth! Now, someone get me a Jolt Cola! It does not exist anymore!

Yeah, that's the kind of stuff I should be saying!

And thank God I didn't anybody, and thank God I my. And giving the queen parvo.

That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in their jet-packs?

Who, Mark Cuban? That guy ran me over with a jet ski.

Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in the hotel.

You do know that Googling yourself means looking yourself up on the Internet. - I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.

Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office? - Sure. - Can I use your computer? - How else are you gonna do it?

When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.

If I save it, I'm a double hero.

My obituary will read 'Oscar winner' instead of 'children's soccer heckler'.

I left Tracy Jr. in Atlantic City!

Die, hero cat! I hate you! I said I'm gonna kill that cat! Killing cats is wrong! Unless it's to make a hat! My skull!

Make that all three of us. Jenna, a word. Specifically, the word 'talking.'

And I just learned about air quotes.

Be bad at snapping. Got it.

I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear in case some Saudi guys show up.

Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, then bam! Boobies.

I think the better question is, what isn't an actor? A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol.

Compromises are for lesser souls. Die, werewolf zombie!

It was opportunity knocking. / No one knocked. You just barged in. / Knock, knock!

You remember Donald, my son who's two years older than me.

What about Brown and Folderson? / That's what I call my wallet!

Come on. The boy's only 43 years old.

And I bankrolled that, too! Thank God we tested it with a monkey first!

Too late. Look how we're positioned.

As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold the mirror to humanity, and sell proactiv.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chunk. Damn, that's funky. Obesity is killing the african-american community... With laughter.

It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool.

I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, Charlie Rose! Oh, that's horrible.

From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the holocaust, Georgia O'Keeffe, or both.

Russell Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones.

Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking.

You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.

I give you The Chunks 2: A very chunky Christmas.

And somebody needs to clean this table up. It's disgusting.

Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time.

I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards, and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the arena in a penis-shaped parachute.

Who will be there raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?

my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cockfight last night

I'm sorry I'm four hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cockfight last night.

FYI, Tracy's phoning it in today. What else is new? No, mother, literally. Are you also staying at this hotel? Line.

throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the U.N. about some messed-up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island

Nicholas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore

I'm like Stout Cortez! He's my gardener. He's easily amazed.

I'm gonna get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet

I'm just continuing my consistent professional behavior. Let's laugh together, friend.

perfection is my middle name... 'Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy'

No, I wasn't gonna buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made

I'm as happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman

♪ Shut your mouth ♪ ♪ I am finished taking orders from you ♪ ♪ and I think that you're a four-eyed douche ♪

♪ and also let me say that Liz is a ho ♪ ♪ a dirty ho ♪

♪ I'm not good at making up songs ♪ ♪ unlike me, who is good ♪ ♪ as you can tell from this rhyme ♪

That was me singing the Beatles' Here Comes the Sun for free.

Yeah, Tupac is alive. I bet you'd like to have that on your show

I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby

You 'snarted' in my dressing room?

If I hugged you, I would angle it so that you got no boob. And I would anticipate your angling, and I would get there. I would get there.

I knew I'd get that boob squish

Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from. Do not mention the underwater city of Sauronicon...

The box would make a perfect coffin for my Teddy Bear.

You taking my nephew's virginity.

Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt?

You'll never get her! Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!

Lemon told me this morning she got jacked big time.

It'll turn the child into a Dracula.

Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.

Clear. I'll need a whale saddle.

Kate Capshaw's husband?

the guitar-playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning. Dotcom is confirming that he drowned.

Why are you putting me in a suit? I still haven't memorized my Torah passage!

I'm not scared of you people! And I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby penises!

Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools!

Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools!

You ever hear of the 'Peter Principle'? Yes. Just now.

But my incompetence knows no bounds.

IKEA on a Saturday?

This morning I taught the local schoolchildren all the words to 'Monster Mash'.

Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug?

No, the only thing that will cure ice cream headaches is having sex on a motorcycle.

When a dolphin expresses excitement it sounds like this.

Can my friend cheese come with us on our honeymoon?

I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why, just yesterday, I kicked two naked people out of a garden!

Simba, Rafiki! Click, click, click! Yeah, that's right, I just put you in your place in African.

It's the snowiest winter we had in years in New York... in Africa.

Well, well, well. You found me... after I ordered Thai food and gave you this address.

You have been hiding in my apartment for the last 2 weeks? What are you mad about? I'm waiving the $60,000 you owe me in appearance fees.

So where's the last place you would be if you're out trying to save your show? Home. Life lesson from an unlikely source!

'TGS' is your whole life. So where's the last place you would be if you you're out trying to save your show? Home. Life lesson from an unlikely source!

And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of! It's red, it says 'ketchup' on it...

As a time saver, I will refer to the two of you as 'Klemon.' I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now, remember, to save time, you two are 'Klemon.'

Like the time I got stuck in Temple Grandin's hugging machine at the Golden Globes party.

Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him, and I'm not strong enough for the pain and the human misery of a 3-hour plane ride with Sean Penn.

Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us!

You gonna get me another sandwich or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin. I will waste you!

And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.

Jesus was black!

Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up and make me a sandwich?

I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens, watching vintage pornography.

What does that even mean? It's new haircuts, but you can make salads with them.

And what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a drug? Is it a bandage you put on a barn?

See, that's the kind of lazy stand-up I'll never do again.

F-u, l.l. Spells 'full,' because you're full of BS, Liz Lemon.

I think Bono got in my limo.

Don't tell anyone I did this.

I even called a woman's basketball team 'Nappy-headed hos,' but apparently, I'm allowed to talk like that.

There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.

But I wasn't even supposed to say that. The line was, 'Shereen, I hope Dr. Mogutu has good news about my endoscopy,' but I couldn't get it right, so they told me to improv.

That's crazy. A man named 'Elia.' That's a giraffe's name.

I guess it would take a pretty big gas leak to make you think that was a good idea.

I cannot promise you that, Ken. I'm a horrible shot.

But you're going to get me another sandwich, or I'm going to cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. I will waste you! You'll have to go through this old bastard first! And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.

Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich!

I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography

Is it a drink? Is it a drug? Is it a bandage you put on a barn?

See that's the kind of lazy standup I'll never do again!

'F' you, L.L. Spells 'full'! Because you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon!

Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom!

I could have inside jokes that you're not a part of, for example, 'Hot feet' or 'Ask Melissa about it.'

That story is not funny. Sir, you had to be there. Then I will be.

Use it to break into a special-effects warehouse to steal one.

Was Dotcom standing that gay?

Death to the CIA! Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!

It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.

I get it now! It's so funny! Everyone, laugh! Now, you sons of bitches!

I get it now! It's so funny! Everyone, laugh! Now, you sons of bitches!

his acting notes are often vague.

There, are you happy? You dropped a bomb, K! Continue!

Hey, I know what you're going through. I once kidnapped a woman.

I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area, except for the 'new element' everyone keeps talking about.

I got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me

If I start screaming in my sleep, do not wake me up. I will attack you.

Wake me up! Free me from this!

Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis

How many times have I come over and painted your apartment? Three. And by the way, stop doing that.

Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it

If you want, I can recommend a good gynecologist. You know, 'cause I really like my guy. He's sort of a doogie howser type. But younger.

This has nothing to do with Jenna's success that I'm jealous of, but if that yellow-haired bag of teeth keeps me waiting for rehearsal, I will set my dressing room on fire.

I'm not doing this. But I'm acting out. Right. And I know it'll all blow over eventually, and so I'm just going to skip the exhausting middle part.

I took a real age test. It said I'm dead.

From now on everyone has to address me as 'the gentleman formerly known as rectum.'

I just realized, I haven't paid taxes in 30 years.

I started a camp for underprivileged kids last summer. We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive.

Liz Lemon is a crack whore. Probably not, but continue.

And not the fun stationery store up on the Upper East Side. The skeezy one with trains.

The Manhattan center for penis enlargement? I know because my friend goes there. His name is Tracy.

Him. Him. Her when she's drunk. I genuinely don't know. That one's a puzzler.

Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants. If I got turned into a gay, I'd sit around all day and look at my own junk.

Do you think the people of Raleigh, North Carolina turned Clay Aiken gay? Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.

I already called Glad, Liz Lemon. Thank you for calling Glad, stronger trash bags with less plastic. This is Diane. How may I help you? Hey Diane, it's Tracy Jordan. Sorry about what I said. Well, okeydokey.

Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

I am nonplussed, and that is the correct usage.

Wait. Why don't they do that?

Frat guys, DJs, loud-mouthed old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp-stamped, parrot-heads, anti-vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving. It's a whole other world down there.

Because as Braveheart said, 'you can take our freedom, unless you take our lives.'

Dot com, hold the steering wheel. I've got to leave my outgoing message. What did I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot com, this did not happen. We take this to our graves!

What did I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot com, this did not happen. We take this to our graves!

Since its founding early this afternoon, the national association for zero intolerance, or Nazi... We should change that.

It's fine.

My ringtone is the chicken dance. If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song!

These microphones look like black ice cream cones.

I played a 'nucular' psychiatrist in a James 'Bong' movie.

♪ La piscine ♪ j'adore la piscine ♪ towels sunscreen bathing suits ♪ diving boards and towels ♪ those ladders ♪ towels

Idiots aren't just strippers or stay at home moms.

In a lot of ways, you and I had similar upbringings. Terrible schools, broken homes... Thinking basketball was the ticket out. Being wrong.

I said creating a movement.

In this country, anyone could be the next Jack Donaghy or the next Denise Richards.

This room... Is moving.

"Give to charity please, no presents"? No, Dotcom! I said, "give to charity? Please, no. Presents!"

It was on the corner of Malcolm X Boulevard and guy who shot Malcolm X Boulevard.

They say people who kill themselves never regret it.

I already have a room full of old black women.

I bet he's going to tell me I can't write off all my shoplifting

You were in the kitchen all day. Right over... Oh, that's a broom

your 'charity' is just a front that has done nothing to make this country safer from Godzilla attacks. If anything, I've increased the likelihood

That's the phrase I couldn't remember

Why is the government allowing this?

my house isn't a church, although I do let children drink wine there

I know you are, but what am I?

Put money in the girl's mouth. Also, my friend, Darryl, is your real father

When is that party you throw that we never go to 'cause we don't know what to get the man who has nothing

Like the polio vaccine. Or a no-bottom strip club near a Wendy's

we're going to be more 'haw-naist'

Because I was raised in foster care

Those players have some crazy names. Like Derek and Alex

His wife's name is don't. What's the guy's name on first base? Know what died in Vietnam

Release some energy. / Are we talking about something gross? / My animus has become pent up.

'mommy-daddy sheet monster times' / I've never 'mommy-daddy sheet monstered' myself.

Never? Not even during the Love Boat reunion?

We're not going to chili's until I hit one.

Oh, no. I've never had a mother-in-law, but I have seen Everybody loves Raymond. 'Debra, where's the figurine I gave you? Raymond, I gave Debra a figurine.' 'Ma!'

To test unapproved Japanese medications on. / Swallow. / Good girl. / Now, let me know if all your pubic hair falls out. / Oh, my God! / Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.

In 48 years, I haven't had one good Valentine's. / Man, if I weren't with Lynn now we could team up. Valentine's Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It's scumbag Christmas!

Oh, baby, did someone throw cereal on you? Let's get you out of these wet clothes. / Oh, what is wrong with you people? / Whatever. Jeremy says she's a tease anyway.

You know, it's funny. If those teeth were in your vagina, you'd be considered a monster.

Yesterday, I ate all the cheese out of the mouse traps.

I won an Oscar, so now I get to do real art. Begins no dogs phase.

How black was this dude? On a scale from Lisa Bonet to dotcom.

What's a commercial?

Plaxico Burress just called our idea 'poorly thought out'. Then hung up by shooting his own phone.

Yes, a native American paradise!

Do you know anyone who wants to be called Daryl Weenus?

All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions.

Let's go outside.

Right, I did an ad and insisted on being paid in beni bucks.

It's like I said in my cameo appearance in Leap Dave Williams, 'gimme your wallet, old man!'

Well the joke's on you because that commercial never aired for unexplained reasons.

I just touched the table again. God, you call for help! I'll just put my head on the table for a second.

One Leap Day when I was a kid, the Harlem River froze, and I decided to cross it carrying my brick collection.

I do have a long, elegant face, thank you, but I can't enjoy your compliment, because I'm sad.

I am always coughing up blood. Could that be Leap Day William trying to get out?

Remember where I came from. But we all came from the sea. Sea? Like the letter 'C', which is part of the alphabet. Alphabet soup. Soup kitchen.

I saved Leap Day! And connected with my son! And I solved the big case from earlier!

My Uncle was a cop... In a porno.

But I do know America's kinda like this here crab apple tree... John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

Don't fall in love with your car?

You're gonna hang out with Pete every night this week. Why would we do that? 'Cause we have you dead to rights, you black bastard!

We know you ordered a porn version of Temple Grandin entitled ten poles rammed in.

Who attacked you and gave you that haircut?

No one should have to be married to Gerard Butler. Or hilary swank!

That was my angriest hug, 'cause that's how I feel right now.

The Federal Clown Commission. I hope that comes off as respectful. My father was a clown, and I know how hard those men work.

I feel like Oscar the grouch today, and not just 'cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning, startling someone named Gordon.

You're the one who solved that? Thank you so much.

1997 Heather Locklear, what are you doing here?

Tomorrow is my colonoscopy. Today was my meeting with Colin o'Scopy.

and sit down and pee in silence, like dudes do.

My brain is working overtime. I finally understand the ending of The sixth sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie.

You know why I love Dominican women? 'Cause they love to those big 'Cause they eat all our aloud.

Wake up, mother-. / Die, demon! / Why didn't you ever call me back?

Secret handshake, my baloney

like on the set ocean's 12, when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie

You better not be talking about my dear friend, America Ferrera

Siri, kill Jenna!

I killed Jenna elfman. / Is that right?

And not just 'cause today's the day that guy that tried to kill me gets out of jail

When I was a kid, you could get a prostitute for $5

That is a person named Liz Lemon who just told some dude she loves him. Well, I have known her for a long time and she never said that before

Also, TV viewers liked when in a show is a song

You were wrong. They do still make crossbows.

We on a show within a show! My real name is tracy morgan!

We on a show within a show! My real name is tracy morgan!

Goo-goo, ga-ga, my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.

Like, when people wanna see your boobs at mardi gras.

What do you think phil collins Was trying to do with sussudio? Which weird al famously parodied soup soupy-o.

What do you think phil collins Was trying to do with sussudio?

Don't eat that pie, don't eat my fries, don't wear that tie, Don't smell that guy.

I'm sorry, did you just say baloney thighs? Because that's the name of the boat weird al's gonna buy With the money he makes off you...Dumb bitch!

There's nothing you can change pizza to. Because it's already weird.

I don't trust my accountant. I think he's lying to me about being Jewish. I step on more wine glasses than he does.

I was gonna tell Dotcom I loved his novel as an April fool's joke

Five dog now five. No, that's just the confusing title Disney gave the fifth Snow dogs movie. The 'S' s are fives.

I took all of my money and put it in my pool and froze it

so I said I had a bomb

Slap it to me, Daddy-O. Popo popped dookie down by the vacants.

It's called 'Desire,' but with a 'Z' instead of the second 'E.'

The Knicks, a mop from a strip club, a carefree hobo, a crate with a new giraffe in it, and broccoli.

I feel an old Jack-o-lantern from last Halloween.

Who has the time, with work, family and hobbies and listing excuses?

I can either drill a hole in the back of your head, and push it out with your brain... Okay, that sounds good.

Women staying quiet.

If my Foster mom saw it, she would make me sell it at a pawn shop to get our family a cheerio.

♪ Perfume and roses and strong halitosis ♪ ♪ Powders and flowers and spicy clam chowders ♪

Daddy?

You didn't go to the store for milk and heroin and then never come back.

This is my Jimmy Fallon impression. Awesome, awesome, I love it! It's my favorite!

It's a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.

Do you know what she does in her underwear? Something I once did at the oscars that caused Daryl Hannah to throw up on me.

John Adams and Mitt Romney enter.

'Cause so much of me has died.

Pop dookie down by the vacants?

A magnolia tree in spring, the towels at a miss Hawaiian tropic contest, the sweat of a terrified Webster as you load him into a Cannon.

Something terrible has happened! And for once I'm not talking about the collapse of the middle class.

We go to the school of hard knocks, a one-year vocational program where you learn to bang on doors and scare people into subscribing to magazines that they'll never get.

Really, Dotcom? How did your city council campaign go? Well, as far as raising the level of discourse in this city? I'd say it was a great success.

Son, we have a lot of work to do today if I'm gonna 'reverse Urkel' you. Dad, I just want to read. Jordan men don't read. Grizz, tear this book in half.

Like teaching him how to ride a bike... Down the Luxor pyramid. Or drive a car... Vel franchise into the ground. I never even taught him how to shave... An orangutan.

Hey, Angie. What's up? You had the baby? Okay. Name him George foreman. And also, we're out of soda at home. Lamont, hurry up and deliver that baby before they realize we're not doctors.

because my tongue caught what my foot has.

I cannot give it to you. I'm a married man. But more importantly, I find you very unattractive.

Partying too hard with Christian slater? Furious about Nafta? Y2k panic? My heyday was the '90s.

He started by being boring and ruining my anniversary, 'cause Angie wanted to take advantage of "all the great theatre in New York".

A media-savvy crackhead, I know.

You tried to dine at Balthazar without a reservation!

You mean our grave. Where we'll lie on top of each other in one coffin, pelvis to face, for eternity.

But unlike the wildfires I've started, this one doesn't sexually arouse me.

Ow, my coccyx! It's not funny. Coccyx is the scientific term for your butt bone.

Hello, I'd like to speak to General Electric. I was a nurse in the war and I met him when he was just a colonel.

Daddy, it's your son, Toby Electric.

Yeah, except your mom last night.

Doctor guy, pilot guy, Cleveland dude, British guy, rich dude, James Franco. I've been with the same woman for 22 years. No judgments, but to me, Liz Lemon is a sex maniac

It's at 8:00, which is 9:00 am Tokyo time. That's when takashi's parents leave for work and we play mass effect 3 online. Mr. and Mrs. Tanaka think he's at school, but he's playing video games with a drunk adult

Oh, my god. Ned stark is dead?

I love my wife. I want her to be happy. But more than that, I'm gonna do nothing. It's hard trying to have it all

I see. I think I just solved the mystery of the phantom pooper

I wouldn't know. I really don't watch TV. I'm more of a masturbator

We're a train wreck you cannot look away from!

Lizard egg!

Both: I'm cheating on you!

I don't know. There was a lot of Fanta there, and the police, so maybe they co-sponsored it?

I know the Southern Tourism Bureau. They pay me a yearly stipend to stay in New York.

Are you crying because there are no roles for actresses in their 40s, nor should there be?

50? That's nothing. I once did 100 takes and still couldn't say the word 'incorrigible.'

Great, now I get it! Siri, bring Jessica Tandy back to life.

Jessica Tandy's zombie is coming to find you. Is that correct? Yes, Siri. Thank you, baby.

Did they say when the banquet is? Because I'm kind of between tuxes due to weight fluctuation.

For instance, in Pixar's upcoming movie about trash, I'm doing the voice of a lazy bottle of grape-flavored soda named Funky Bobo.

It's an honor to finally meet you, Questlove. / Tracy, this is Dr. Cornel West.

Look, I don't wanna make us look bad, but these dumb white writers don't know how us soul cats speak, one 'twixt the other.

Who were your black role models growing up? / Darth Vader, ninjas, some black licorice I tried to make into the shape of my dad.

Under my own nose. Like a mustache. A mustache. Tom Selleck!

A guy with two first names? Next.

I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about me looking funny in this reflection. I'm gonna do a movie where I play someone's fat old aunt and I say stuff like, 'whoo-wee!' And 'sweet child, sit yo' black ass down!'

All I want is Jack and Liz get together. On Friends, it was so satisfying. They do on Cheers, they do on Moonlighting. Everybody do it! Don't overthink it, writers. Whoever you are.

You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? No! I mean sharing a yogurt

You're in the kitchen naked, cooking chili. You feed it to her out of your hands. Make her act like a bird.

That's half as long as it felt like 'Arliss' was on TV.

If she wants to have a dinner party, you go fry up some dolphin.

Speaking of which, Angie's been in the hospital for a week. Could you go find out why?

Oh, how nice to meet a woman who speaks the language of the Nazis' most enthusiastic collaborators.

I do enjoy seeing the homes of poor whites.

You know, I wasn't scripted to be in that episode. I just wandered onto set because Reginald Vel Johnson owed me $40.

Oh, my God. I'm the most stable adult here.

Because you're terrified of her, the way most white ladies are with their best friends? That is racist and only pan true.

Thank you. Your home is terrible.

Oh, I always have one white person in all my movies. We have to have a villain. Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas!

My foot? No, that's shoe stuffing. It helps keep the shape of my shoes. Why was you rubbing my foot, anyway?

Come on, Kenmore washers and dryers, who are you gonna believe here?

It's a blessing and a purse.

Fresh shave, elevated pulse, cologne. Mm-hmm. This man is here to do it on the desk.

Did you guys see? I'm on TV but now I'm old.

I sat on my testicles earlier and the heft of my body smashed them to smithereens.

I agree @therealstephenhawking. Women are not funny. Never have been. Never will be. Nerd rage!

Honestly, I never realized she was trying to be funny. I guess I just thought she was a wig model.

You wouldn't ask an Asian person to give you a list of good Asian drivers. Gary Tang, Ziang Chu, Roy Chung... Stop it. I was done anyway.

See? That's the kind of hilarious button chicks can't come up with.

It's a monkey, and his name is Professor Wigglebottom.

Name one funny monkey. Bonzo, Clyde, the bear... No! I refuse to answer this question with a list.

I once saw a monkey in a cowboy outfit. I would love to see the town he's the sheriff of.

See how he's wearing clothes? And he's got a suitcase like he's going on a business trip. Why's he being so professional?

Male nipples, funny. Monkey nipples, funny. Female nipples, useless!

When you were, like, 'come in, I'm a doctor,' and you had on that lab coat, like a doctor. A lady doctor... Oh my God, that is hilarious!

And Jenna, you as that sad old prostitute trying to look young... Commentary!

Wait... You're a female? How you doin', girl?

Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Gilda Radner, Lucille ball, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin. Yes, thank you, Tracy. Those are all very funny women. Funny women? Those are the names of my fingers.

Irma Bombeck, Tig Notaro... Is my impression of a Chinese person.

Ellen DeGeneres, Mo'nique, and Roseanne Barr. Now that's some funny women. All of whom have screamed at me because they were on their period.

Why couldn't she have died when that rabid dog bit her? It wasn't rabid. I just said that so they'd have to put it down, and then I'd be the star of that dog-food commercial.

If I get moderate exercise, I'm gonna die!

And I'm mad at your success, but pretending it's something else!

Please. I've had a crab on my head for free!

You're maybe the most high-maintenance bitch in Hollywood. Maybe? Who's more? Who is she?

How are you? Jack was right. People don't want an idea bomb dropped on them. Don't give up. That is not the Lisa Loeb I know.

What they don't know is that he hunts humans on that property.

I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care or me talking about white butts. They are different than black butts.

The voting machines there have become sentient. And, for some reason, they are strongly in favor of gay marriage.

The voting machines there have become sentient. And, for some reason, they are strongly in favor of gay marriage.

Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field, Wisconsinites are coming around on the death penalty.

Florida, the penis of America!

Florida, the penis of America!

One week they're laughing at me, the next week, they're laughing at me.

The next president of the United States will be chosen by... Jenna Maroney. To be continued... Mr. Spider. Ew, web in my mouth!

Voting is a great American tradition. Like laziness or, eh...

Black Shrek ran for president?

I forgot about that half-nerd.

Someone has to be the first person to make a joke after a celebrity dies.

I guess I was a little 'too soon' with Andy Griffith.

Columbus thought he was in India! And did he worry about being wrong? No! He just called everybody Indians. And we still do it today! Why? 'Cause.

Just like when we named this country after the fourth or fifth guy who discovered it. Amerigo Vespucci? Who cares? America!

I wasn't watching cute little kitten videos! I was watching pornography! Who put these sleepy kitten videos on here?

Less if I count genocides as celebrities.

No, I can say that word. I'm black. But Dick Clark wasn't!

Get me a black coffee, by which I mean, a sunkist.