Jack the Writer

Writer:I think we need to change this Donald Trump joke — because Donald Trump was eaten by a lion this morning on the International Space Station.

Liz · Cerie:Cerie is told to organize videotapes instead of doing actual script work, then immediately re-tasked to get chai tea, and she leaves barefoot having no idea where her shoes are.

Liz · Cerie:Cerie asks 'where are my shoes?' before going to get chai tea, and Liz screams 'Just go barefoot!'

Tracy:Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Liz · Frank · Toofer · Writers · Jack:The writers' room is having a spontaneous one-minute dance party to Chamillionaire when Jack Donaghy walks in and they freeze.

Liz:And we all love the music of Chamillionaire.

Frank:Oh, yeah, it's a special kind of G.I. Joe.

Jack:To master just its basic concepts, one must brave a five-day conference at a Sheraton.

Writers:Honey Bunches of Sadness, Oat Bung, and Swaztik-o's

Writers:Fruit Lupus. / Dingleberries. / Fart Nuggets.

Jack:If you don't mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets, so could we just move on, please.

Jack:I was doing some research on comedy. And I came across the cartoon strip Dilbert. It's quite good. And I was wondering if we could do that.

Jack:Jack: 'I'm not a writer, but maybe there's a skit in that.' (referring to the Brokaw boat story)

Jack:And Brokaw says, 'Just go. Don't look back.' Now... I'm not a writer, but maybe there's a skit in that.

Liz:You don't think his idea of starting with the catchphrases and working backwards is panning out?

Liz · Pete · Frank:'Nuts to you, McGullicuty.' / 'Who ordered the wieners?' / Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Frank:Frank actually wrote a draft of 'Beep beep, ribby ribby.'

Liz · Pete:Which one of your kids is it that you're afraid of? / Kyle. Kyle. / So strong.

Pete · Liz:The jacket incident and Pete's plea: 'Look at me. Look how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.'

Tracy:I want nachos. From Yankee Stadium.

Cerie:Oh, no, I don't actually. They kind of just stay up on their own. See?

Cerie:No, but I don't actually want to work in television. Career-wise, I'm just gonna marry rich and then design handbags.

Cerie:Oh, because you have, like, one of those body image things?

Cerie · Liz:Good, because I was gonna say you still have a good body. / 'Well, thank you, but this isn't about me.' / Like, how did you dress before you were married?

Cerie · Liz:Cerie: 'Oh, for some reason I thought you had, like, three kids. I just assumed it was kids [causing the food stains].'

Liz:You know what? Forget I mentioned it. You look great.

Pete:Boy, we as a group might not smell great.

Frank · Tracy (voice):Tracy's downstairs right now rehearsing the best thing we've written all week. / Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Jack:Oh, I have an idea for you. Monkey Senate. We open on the Capitol—

Jack:Why would I want to fire you? This is fine.

Tracy:Dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes.

Tracy:Tracy's philosophical speech about freedom and the law as preamble to sending Kenneth on an errand.

Jonathan · Liz:Jonathan tells Liz to apologize to Jack in a way that makes it seem like it was her own idea — but Jack sent Jonathan to deliver this message.

Director/PA:Jenna, set yourself, please, for Who Wants to Eat a Dictionary?

Kenneth:Kenneth's interrogation scene: He nervously asks rapid-fire questions to threatening men — 'What does that tattoo mean?', 'Y'all have long fingernails,' 'Do you own or rent?', 'What's your cell plan?'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'When I get nervous, I ask a lot of questions.'

Liz:I always feel like I'm entering the Death Star. I expect to see Stormtroopers.

Pete · Liz:You'll be fine... Captain Needa. / No, Captain Needa dies. He dies!

Jonathan:Jack's assistant is performing a full Irving Berlin number ('There's No Business Like Show Business') as Liz waits in the outer office.

Jack · Liz:The apology backfires: Jack reworks it into 'No one wants to hear that people don't like you.'

Liz:You know what I like about you? Your eyes. You have those black shark's eyes. Very intense.

Tracy:Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va-jay-jay.

Tracy:That thing ever goes missing and gets into the public water system, we don't know each other.

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he got Liz Chamillionaire tickets — 'since you're such a big fan,' referencing the dance party.

Liz:Wow, I just can't believe Chamillionaire tickets were still available.

PA:Josh to stage, please, for Homophobic Hague.

Liz · Pete:Just talking to my 'bud,' Jack Donaghy. / Bud, really?

Liz · Pete:It's like that scene where you see the back of Darth Vader's head with his helmet off, and you're like, 'Oh! He's a human being!' / I gotta get some new DVDs.

Liz:You need to dress like you have a job. And parents who raised you in some kind of shame-based American religious tradition.

Liz:Well, aren't you sweet? (Liz's reaction to Cerie saying she's 'a size four, right?')

Writers · Liz:What are you wearing?! / You're making me gay. / It's a joke, obviously. I'm wearing this as a joke! / Bunch of comedy writers don't know a joke, jeez.

Liz:Liz: 'It's a joke, obviously. I'm wearing this as a joke! Bunch of comedy writers don't know a joke, jeez.'

Writer (Frank):Writer: 'I just threw up in my mouth.'

Writer:Work it, Craig! Whoo!

Liz · writers:Writers want to eat pizza on the roof garden because 'Today Show people eat out there all the time.' Liz: 'Really? Even Ann Curry?'

Kenneth:Happy anniversary, Mrs. Jordan.

Liz · Jack:Liz approaches Jack in front of GE executives and calls him her 'best bud—boink!' while asking for pizza roof access.

Liz:This guy's the best. He got me kick-ass Chamillionaire tickets. You guys like Chamillionaire?

Jack:I'm sorry for what's about to happen right now. Just know that I don't mean it.

Jack:What group home did you escape from that you would dare talk to me like some plumber's wife in front of Ron Gordon and Bob Overmeyer?

Jack:Your ignorance was obvious when you waddled up to me with your thin-lipped mouth full of greasy peasant food and addressed me by my Christian name in front of the gentlemen from Fairfield.

Jack:But how would you know that with your nigh-40 years of public education and daytime television viewing?

Jack:Jack: 'But how would you know that with your nigh-40 years of public education and daytime television viewing?'

Jack:If you ever pull a bush league stunt like that again, I'm gonna have you writing promos for Arena Football so fast it'll make your inexplicably small head spin.

Writer (background):Oh, snap.

Liz · Jack:I thought you said we were friends. / I said we were friendly. / Well, I don't like you anymore. / I don't believe you.

Jack:Go easy on the pizza.