Cooter

Jack:Jack lists his government responsibilities including 'the War on the Poor'

Jack:Jack mentions 'the cryogenecists are already sharpening their head saws'

Jack · Liz:Liz eating Mexican cheese curls at 8am; 'Don't knock my Sabor de Soledad. I found a prize in here the other day... I hope.'

Jack:Jack's final line before leaving: 'I have to go. It's time for my freedom search.'

Tracy:Tracy bursts in: 'Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?'

Liz:Liz responds: 'Are the lightning bolts supposed to be going in or out?'

Tracy:Tracy's porn video game title: 'Goregasm... colon... The Legend of Dong-Slayer'

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'Yeah, you fixulate this!' — then immediately apologizing

Tracy:Tracy accuses everyone of 'goofing off like a bunch of goof-offs' while standing in the middle of his porn video game production

Tracy · Liz:Tracy asks Liz 'You having your woman times?' — Liz starts to deny it, then realizes she's late

Liz:Visual gag: Liz staring at a birth control pill calendar with days crossed off like a prisoner counting days

Cerie:Cerie's unsolicited birth control advice: 'I think you're supposed to take all of them, like, in a row.'

Liz:Liz's comeback to Cerie: 'But I have been sexually active since I was 25.'

Pete:Pete's memory of Carter's Olympic boycott announced as 'Bad news, archers.'

Pete:Pete's bitter aside after the boycott memory: 'Peanut farmer.'

Donny · Kenneth:Donny emerges from hiding in a narrow space waiting to taunt Kenneth

Kenneth:Kenneth accuses Donny of sending a false memo about the deadline: 'Saboteur!'

Donny:Donny gloats: 'You'll be staying here in New York all summer, fighting the crowds, smelling the hot garbage, while I travel to beautiful, breezy Beijing.'

Cooter:Cooter Berger introduces himself: 'vice chair of Farm Subsidies, acting head of FEMA, temporary acting head of the FBC while the acting head is on trial.'

Jack:Jack: 'I don't like to think of this President as a lame duck. I think of him as a lame eagle.'

Cooter · Jack:The ceiling is visibly leaking; Cooter insists 'No, it's not. We've looked into it, and it's not.'

Cooter · Jack:No pens in the government office — Cooter has 'gotten used to it' and writes his extension number in the leaking ceiling water

Cooter:'We're not in a recession.' — delivered in response to being asked why there are no pens

Cooter:'I know, I'm not drunk either, but we'll manage.' — re: not being prepared for the Appropriations Committee meeting

Liz:Liz enters Jack's old GE office and starts talking to his mother's portrait, then catches herself

Tracy · Jenna · Grizz:Tracy directing the voice acting session: 'Warrior, you have defeated the snake-elf. Now join me in the orgy chamber. The poets will sing of this night.'

Tracy · Jenna · Grizz:Tracy to Jenna after stopping the session: 'Not you, Grizz. You're doing great.' while firing Jenna for bad acting

Tracy:Tracy's avatar sensuality direction sequence: 'Touch my cheek... chest area... little robot... butt... like it's a secret... knees-butt... feet with your knees'

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy directing Jenna's sex sounds, then calling 'Let's take it again from the top. This time, let's record.' — revealing they weren't recording

Liz:Liz's voicemail to Jack, interrupted by the sex sounds session in progress: 'Aah! Things are happening!'

Randall:Government official refuses $9 million dam funding: ''Dam' is a swear word.' Proposes calling it a 'God finger' instead.

Jack:Jack's speech to the committee about pens escalates to 'We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need pens.'

Committee Member:Committee member response to Jack's Rome speech: 'Well, that's one theory.'

Kenneth:Kenneth explains his lateness: 'I had to put on my jeans by myself.'

Donny · Jenna:Donny emerges from Jenna's bag: 'Did someone say 'Donny'? No. No. Oh. It's pretty muffled in there.'

Liz:Liz explaining 'back-door brag': 'It's hard for me to watch American Idol because I have perfect pitch.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's attempt at a back-door brag: 'It's hard for me to watch American Idol because there's a water bug on my channel changer.'

Cooter:Cooter: 'I haven't felt this energized at work since the two weeks when they tried to teach us Farsi.'

Jack:Jack hears that Geiss spoke from his coma and said 'Jackie Boy' — and immediately writes his resignation letter

Cooter · Jack:Cooter refuses to accept Jack's resignation because as acting head of the FBC he oversees the EWPC

Jack:Jack's final appeal to Cooter invokes GE's slogan: 'He brings good things to light!'

Cooter:Cooter's resignation pile: 'Look at these resignation letters. They're written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water.'

Liz · Friend:Liz figures out her friend is pregnant: 'You're pregnant.' 'What? Yes! How can you tell?' 'I just can. People always underestimate my instincts because of my looks.'

Liz:Liz: 'It is Floyd, right?' — implying doubt about who the father is

Friend:Cutaway to margarita night: 'Whoo! Those margaritas were strong.'

Friend · Liz:Liz discovers her friend slept with Dennis: 'It was before he tried to throw me under the subway train.'

Liz:Liz's response: 'You had a three-way with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.'

Liz:Liz's single-mom role models: 'Like Erin Brockovich or Sarah Connor.'

Liz:Liz's advice to her friend: 'And while you're there, try to get me some Adderall.'

Cooter:Cooter, upon pens arriving: 'We've got pens! Glorious pens!'

Cooter · Jack:The pens arrive — but they're all caps: 'Oh, my God! They're caps, nothing but caps!'

Cooter:Cooter breaks down: 'That's not my name! My name is James Reilly! Cooter Berger? What do you think I am, a cartoon dog?'

Cooter:Origin of 'Cooter Berger': 'Cooter because I look like a turtle, and Berger because he saw me eating a hamburger one time.' — 'It wasn't even a hamburger. It was a sandwich.'

Jack · Cooter:Jack's plan to get fired: 'We have to work together to get fired.'

Cooter/James:Cooter's addendum: 'It wasn't even a hamburger. It was a sandwich.'

Dennis:Dennis has been sneaking into Liz's apartment to pretend to be at work: 'I told my mom I got a job, so I've been coming here for the past couple weeks during the day.'

Dennis:Dennis's definition of 'prenatal': 'Pre... before. Natal... ruined.'

Dennis:Dennis names his unborn son 'Morpheus': 'If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus, like that guy in The Matrix.'

Dennis:Dennis's exit line: 'Morpheus hears everything that you say.' then 'Your boobs are gonna get bigger.'

Dennis:Dennis's parting shot: 'Your boobs are gonna get bigger.'

Jenna:Jenna's opening of Kenneth's essay, talking to camera about herself: 'You must have been such a pretty monkey.'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna's fake talking-head promoting Kenneth includes: 'Yes. Kenneth, can you take this money to the many charities I support anonymously?' — then the envelope is empty

Jenna:Jenna's essay claims Kenneth 'can lift almost 100 pounds' as a fitness achievement

Jenna:Jenna's essay fragments: 'Mind, body, spirit? / Kenneth, I see myself in you? / So brave? / So ready? / To be all that you can do? / So beautiful in every way? / I see myself in you?'

Jenna:Jenna's essay ends with the line 'To be all that you can do?' — mangling the Army's slogan

Jenna:Jenna, having been moved by her own speech, calls after Kenneth about copier paper as he runs out: 'Oh, Kenneth, someone was looking for you. They need 12 boxes of copier paper on stage one.'

Kenneth · Unnamed Staff:Someone asks Kenneth to move 12 boxes of copier paper on stage right after he's about to run to submit his application

Jack · Cooter:The gay bomb: Jack and Cooter's plan to get fired involves a Pentagon 1994 proposal for a weapon that would 'make enemy soldiers totally gaybones for each other'

Jack:Re: why the gay bomb project was abandoned: 'It would have been expensive, impractical, and offensive to both the red states and the gayer blue states.'

Jack:Jack's aside: 'Like eating a burrito before sex.'

Frank:Frank's credit on the porn video game: 'I got an Additional Filth By credit.'

Donny · Kenneth:Donny gloats over Kenneth's copier paper task: 'Too bad it cost you a trip to China.' / 'Looks like you only have 30 seconds to get your application to the 27th floor. And you're not gonna make it.'

Donny:Donny reveals the application was for the WRONG person, with 30 seconds left: 'Looks like you only have 30 seconds to get your application to the 27th floor. And you're not gonna make it.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's physical comedy sequence: running with copier paper, crashing, doing a flip into an elevator

Liz:Liz's collapsing voicemails to Jack: from casual to 'This is a disaster. This baby's gonna have a father!'

C.C. · Jack:C.C. to Jack: 'I did certain things for you in bed that you were going to reciprocate. But then we broke up before my birthday, so you owe me.'

Jack:Jack's reaction to C.C. agreeing to help: 'Yes! I am so on a roll! No crying in my bath tonight.'

Liz:Compilation of Liz's escalating voicemails to Jack, now including pregnancy and Kenneth's acrobatics

Liz:Liz's extended voicemail about converting her 'laundry and newspaper pile into a nursery'

Jack · Liz:The Sabor de Soledad revelation: Mexican cheese curls get their 'special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen' and were causing false positives on pregnancy tests

Jack:Jack: 'Oh, that explains your hair's thickness and shine.'

Jack:'I guess in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.' / Liz: 'They're so good.'

Liz:Liz: 'No, I can't go to a sperm bank. The Duffy men use those like ATMs.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals the President gave him a nickname too: 'The Jacker.' Both Jack and Liz react with resignation.

Jack · Cooter:The gay bomb actually works on Jack and Cooter in the committee room — both men start to feel weird

Committee Member:Pens follow-up: 'Ooh, pens!' — a committee member reaches for the pen caps in the committee room

Frank · Tracy:Frank has been playing Dong-Slayer for three months without realizing it: 'Dude, I played this thing for a couple hours. It's okay, I guess.' / 'Frank, you've been in your office for three months.'

Frank:Frank has been playing Goregasm for three months and his reaction: 'Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire!'