Dennis Duffy

Dennis:Dennis says 'Maybe we'll see Natalie Morales, that little firecracker, she gets my blood running south of the border.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis says he'll 'pick up some Chinese' and Liz notes that's less offensive than his usual language, then Dennis credits losing her with making him 'more mature'

Liz · Dennis:Liz says 'Ow, that really hurts, Dennis' — implying Dennis's affectionate gesture is physically painful

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis and Jack at the restaurant: 'I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.' / 'It's cod. It's— They made it special.' Dennis: 'Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried.'

Dennis · Jack:Dennis: 'That douche bag up front made me wear it.' (about a tie) Jack: 'Does he know you're the Beeper King?' Dennis: 'I don't think so.'

Dennis:Dennis: 'Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.' Then immediately: 'Hold on a second. This place ain't that nice, all right? It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.'

Dennis · Jack:Dennis: 'You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan? You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?' Jack: 'I think I read about that in The New Yorker.'

Dennis:Dennis arrives at the writers' room: 'If she doesn't get back here soon, I'm pokin' air holes in it.' — referring to a live animal inside a box

Dennis · Writer:Dennis to the writers' room: 'I couldn't help but notice that none of you are wearing beepers.' Writer: 'Cool, I can use some ironic accessories.'

Dennis · Liz:Liz tells Dennis the animal got out. Dennis: 'Oh, no. It got out. If anyone sees a salamander, it's Liz's.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis insists beepers are making a comeback: 'Technology's cyclical.' Liz: 'No, technology is not cyclical.'

Dennis:Dennis explains rat kings with genuine enthusiasm, then: 'And then it gets awesome. Eventually their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king. And we saw one.'

Jack · Dennis:Jack: 'Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with the camera on your beeper.' Dennis: 'Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera, but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.'

Jack · Dennis:Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with the camera on your beeper. / Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera, but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.

Dennis:Jack gives Dennis a pager and Dennis says: 'Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.'

Liz · Dennis · Vendor:Liz asks Dennis: 'Can I borrow 20 bucks?' Vendor: 'Flashlight, $20!' — implicit that Dennis doesn't have $20

Dennis · Liz:Dennis wakes from sleep upset: 'I wish I had burned the place down. There's no reason to live anymore.' Liz, alarmed: 'What happened?' Dennis: 'The Islanders lost tonight.' Liz: 'Doesn't that happen a lot?'

Dennis:Dennis: 'I knew you wouldn't understand.' [long silence and fade]

Liz · Dennis:Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? / The water in here is softer.

Dennis:Look at this ski-jumping idiot, Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?

Dennis:That cereal has the Olympics on it? It must be eight months old.

Dennis · Liz:When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like Shannon or Rick. / When we what?

Dennis:Look at this maze. It's so easy. You have to go in here, and out there.

Dennis · Liz:Dennis calls to ask Liz to buy Nickelback tickets via Ticketmaster — 'I would do it on your computer, but I'm downloading a game right now.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis has ordered Liz a cheeseburger — she's overjoyed: 'Oh, Dennis. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.'

Dennis · Liz:So what did you want to talk to me about, huh? / Nothing. I forget. / I just want to listen to you play Halo 'til I fall asleep.

Dennis:Dennis: 'Ah, that's baloney! How did the grenade not kill him? He was standing right next to it. You know what, Liz? This controller's defective.'

Dennis · Liz:I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. So you made nine holes in my wall? No, those are for the shelves, dummy.

Dennis:It's gonna be like a hospital.

Liz · Dennis:Now, why is it important to tell me that the muggers were black? / They weren't muggers. They were cops. / So why don't you just say he was running from some cops? / I don't know, I mean, you're a racist for assuming that they weren't cops.

Dennis:Ack, allergies are all mental.

Dennis · Liz:You can't kick me out. I love you! / You can't kick me out. I got squatter's rights. / Which is it: you love me or you got squatter's rights? / I don't see why they're mutually exclusive!

Jenna · Liz · Dennis:He's a comple loser. / Oh, Jenna, don't say that. You know, he had some good moments. / Hi. I got donuts. / What's up, brown eyes? I made chili. / (next scene) Hey... You wanna... wanna order cheese steaks?

Dennis:Dennis's letter: 'While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart.'

Dennis:And for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo.

Dennis:And if it was up to me, we would be together forever. But there's a new thing called 'women's liberation' which gives you women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me.

Dennis:Hey. Threesome? How about it, huh? Mmm! I'm just saying... after last night... maybe he's not such a bad choice.

Jack · Dennis:That's why I'm always dating 20-year-olds. / Nah, let me tell you about 20-year-olds, my friend. Half of them are 16.

Dennis · Jack:It's like my cousin Teddy's dog. Sometimes he just doesn't wanna lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and then when he sees them, he goes bananas. / So Jack, in this example, Liz is the dog. / And I am my feet.

Dennis · Liz:Liz reads Dennis's pro/con list note: 'I know this might be emotional for you, so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.'

Liz · Dennis:Pro. Fixed TV. (Liz reading Dennis's pro/con list — the visual of a single pro being about the TV)

Dennis · Liz:It's a fancy briefcase, you know, 'cause you're classy and important. / Like a dude.

Dennis:I also got you some antihistamine. In case the next guy you're with, you know, has a dog and you wanna stay with him.

Dennis:I also got you some antihistamine. In case the next guy you're with, you know, has a dog and you wanna stay with him.

Dennis · Liz:Should I grab a plate? / Yeah. Get me a diet soda.

Dennis · Chris Hansen:Dateline NBC 'To Catch a Predator' cold open plays — Chris Hansen: 'Can I ask you what you're doing here tonight?' / 'Oh, yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.' / 'Boff some chick—' / 'Oh my God. Do you know how old Mary is?' / 'Yeah, uh, 22. I think.' / 'You wanna try again?' / 'Crap. That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.'

Dennis · Chris Hansen:Yeah, uh, 22. I think. / You wanna try again? / Crap. / That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.

Liz · Dennis:Get out of my apartment! / This happened while we were broken up. / No, no, no, no. I was right about you! / This is a con, by the way. You on Dateline is a con!

Dennis · Liz:You know what? I knew you wouldn't be cool about this. / We're finished. / You can't break up with me. I already broke up with you! / Fine! / Then we agree to disagree!

Dennis:Thank you, mayor Bloomberger.

Dennis:Stern rules! Baba booey!

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman and your ex-boyfriend. And Dateline predator. Exonerated Dateline predator. The whole thing was one big silly misunderstanding. Like the Giuliani campaign.

Dennis:When I say subway, you say hero. Subway. Hero?

Dennis:I now declare this store open for all mankind.

Dennis:We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay.

Dennis:Dennis singing: '* I just want to rock *'

Dennis:I knew that girl was 18. She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian. And that crap doesn't start until college.

Dennis:It's the Stanley Cup, honey. It's hockey's ultimate prize. And me and it, we're teaming up to fight illiteracy.

Dennis:All I could think about was Derek Jeter. And it was like, check this out, Jeter, you think you're better than me?

Dennis:Hey, dummy, I was just telling these dummies how we used to go in the park and make fun of all the joggers.

Dennis:Oh, I'm gonna run in a circle, so I can live longer.

Dennis:Hold on a second. Who orders a salad from a burger joint? You watching your figure there, sweetheart? What, are you gearing up for swimsuit season?

Liz · Dennis:Very funny. / Very funny? How would you know?

Dennis · TGS Crew:Are you gonna cry? / Yeah, he's gonna cry.

Dennis · Liz:Elizabeth Conworthy Lemon. / Okay, that's not my middle name.

Dennis:Social conservative, fiscal liberal.

Dennis:And when I grab on, I do not let go. Like a killer whale going nuts on his trainer at Sea World.

Dennis · Liz:Elizabeth Sarah Lemon — / That's not my middle name.

Dennis · Liz:Will you marry me? / Oh, god.

Dennis:I could get any girl here I want. And not just the fatties and the butterfaces.

Dennis:Shut up, crowd. I command you as the subway hero — shut up.

Dennis:You know, a stripper offered to give me a squeezer last night. A white stripper.

Dennis:I'm the loser. I guess I'm the one who totally missed catching the puck at that Islanders game.

Dennis:And so do all New York based sports teams.

Dennis:It seems like all that stuff you said came true. I am a loser. My mall appearance got canceled. The mighty ducks are mad at me because I left the Stanley Cup on a water taxi.

Dennis:I can only imagine the classic song I'm gonna write after this.

Dennis · Liz:It was on a subway platform just like this. On a night just like this. / It's still daytime. And we're inside.

Liz · Dennis:You failed the firefighter exam? / Yeah, it's totally biased against the Irish, you know.

Liz · Dennis:Dennis, don't you dare. / Liz, work with me now. Just go limp. / It'll be phenomenal, Liz, come on. / Ah, damn, it's the wrong track. It's stupid express. / You thought it was this track too, didn't you?

Dennis:You'll be back, Liz Lemon. You'll be back. / You'll be back, dummy.

Dennis:Dennis has been sneaking into Liz's apartment to pretend to be at work: 'I told my mom I got a job, so I've been coming here for the past couple weeks during the day.'

Dennis:Dennis's definition of 'prenatal': 'Pre... before. Natal... ruined.'

Dennis:Dennis names his unborn son 'Morpheus': 'If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus, like that guy in The Matrix.'

Dennis:Dennis's exit line: 'Morpheus hears everything that you say.' then 'Your boobs are gonna get bigger.'

Dennis:Dennis's parting shot: 'Your boobs are gonna get bigger.'

Dennis · Liz:Liz opens the door to Dennis: 'Hello, dummy.' Liz: 'No. Nope. Not interested. Have a good life.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis: 'It's important. It's about my mom.' [Liz relents] Dennis: 'That was a lie.'

Dennis · Liz:Dennis: 'I recently discovered that I am a sex addict.' Liz: 'No, you're not.' Dennis: 'Yeah, I am.'

Dennis:Dennis: 'And I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't so consumed with my latest business venture.' ... 'One word. Coffee. One problem. Where do you get it? Anywhere. You get it anywhere.'

Dennis:Dennis's vending machine is at '38th and 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David...'

Dennis:Dennis: 'I am sorry that my disease has made you a victim of my sexual charisma. I am sorry that I have ruined you for other men.'

Dennis:Dennis: 'My sponsor said that you were going to try to pick a fight to lure me into hate sex. It's not going to work, Elizabeth. My support group? It's lousy with nymphos.'

Jenna · Dennis:Dennis calls Jenna on Liz's phone; Jenna, answering Liz's phone, pretends to be Liz and does a British accent

Dennis:Dennis gives his sex-addict apology to 'Liz' (actually Jenna): 'I am sorry that my disease made you a victim of my sexual charisma. I am sorry that I have ruined you for other men.'

Dennis · Jenna:Dennis: 'You know, I was the love of Liz's life.' Jenna (as Liz): 'I'm not sure you were.' Dennis: 'Oh, no. I totally was. Peace.'

Dennis:Dennis: 'Oh. I get why you're here. You want me to rank you.'

Liz · Dennis:Liz: 'I want you to understand exactly how unimportant you are. You are not the love of my life. You are not capable of hurting me. And you could never do anything to damage this friendship.' Dennis: 'It was in your bed.'

Dennis · Jenna:Dennis: 'Alright, fine. I'm ranking you now. Hey, blondie — you're number one.' Jenna: 'I don't care!' Jenna (aside): 'Thank you, Dennis.'

Jack Donaghy · Dennis · Floyd:Jack: 'Okay, this bitch is tripping her ass off.' / 'What do we do with her?' / 'I got a date tonight. I say we order her some pizza.' / 'Yes!' / 'and lock her in here for the weekend.'

Dennis · Jose:Hey, Liz. Do you want to be a millionaire, hm? Mr. Dennis? No, no, no, Jose. Only babies out here. Don't you want to be a big boy? Ow!

Liz · Dennis:Wait, are you planning to 'balloon boy' him? What was the one mistake those people in Denver made? One mistake? Yeah, there was no kid in the balloon.

Dennis:Yah, and like Jose, Ron dreamed of glory.

Dennis:Hey, Liz. You'll be back! [as she leaves] Hey, what's going on, huh? What's your deal? Lesbian.

Dennis · Criss:I tried to steal beer from a Duane Reade, and some black guy cold-cocked me. / Ooh, like a security guard? / I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way.

Dennis:Hot dog truck, huh? I went entrepreneur, too. I got this new business where I burn your old DVDs onto laserdisc.

Dennis:I don't have health insurance because of Obama.

Dennis:You know, there's some things I miss about being with you, like having somewhere to hook my SEGA up to, but this constant judgment...

Dennis:I can't get into an ambulance. I don't have health insurance because of Obama.

Dennis · Liz:Hey, Liz, you'll be back. / If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. / You'll be back. / Never again! / You'll be back, Liz Lemon. / You'll be back.

Dennis · Criss:I should take the hot dog truck out after the parade, and sell empty buns to drunk people.

Dennis:She's a card girl at kangaroo boxing matches, so she's got a body, and she's loaded. Her grandfather invented the stop sign.

Liz · Criss · Dennis:Liz realization: 'Wait, Megan is real?' followed by explaining she said 'I love you' to Dennis as a tactical bluff.

Dennis:Why do you have a baby? Is this a scam? I don't need any scams. I've got a brand-new business selling suicide insurance, and it's going great.

Dennis:And this baby -- This is my adopted son. Obviously, he's gonna be an athlete, so I only got to save up for, like, one year of college.

Dennis:You remember Megan Duffy, maiden name Duffy. Hopefully no relation.

Dennis:I recognize you two. Did we have a four-way?

Dennis · Megan:No, St. Patty's Day. Remember, honey? / What? It is?

Dennis:We decided to adopt 'cause Megan's real career-oriented right now, didn't want to wreck her boobs.

Liz · Dennis:His name is Black Dennis? That's racist. / Yeah, right, Liz, the guy with the black son is racist.

Dennis:Later days, dummies. 21st-century family coming through! This is the new normal!

Liz · Dennis:No, no, no, you didn't. / Mazel tov, dummies. You're Jewish, right, Liz?

Dennis:Black Dennis got some cop's gun!