100 (1)

Liz Lemon:I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on eBay.

Pete:It's not, hon. I saw that in a movie once, but in the movie, the guy was dead.

Hank Hooper · Jack Donaghy:Nice tie, Jack. / How long have you been there? / I was sitting in that chair a minute ago. / Nope. That was me. / What can I say? I smell like leather.

Hank Hooper:Well, I'll be Bake McBrided. I know a Philly gal when I hug one.

Hank Hooper:Without Tracy, your show is like my cholesterol. The numbers are killing me.

Jack Donaghy:Got on Wikipedia this week.

Liz Lemon:You want to cancel the only show on your network starring a 42-year-old woman? A show that is number one in its time slot among men 18 to 49 months left in prison?

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:I thought this company was a family, but I guess it's that Austrian family and I am the girl in the basement, and you are the dad who has been brutally-- Thank you, Lemon.

Hank Hooper:You get one more shot. Just like the army doctor said to me after my weekend in Okinawa.

Hank Hooper:They're mean. Jack Welch once smacked a pretzel out of my hand at the Super Bowl.

Liz Lemon:Is Tracy back? I'd hate to think I just lied to Hank. Geez, I'll get it done. You know I'll do whatever it takes. Lemon-style. [music cue: 'Everybody Dance Now']

Tracy Jordan:You gonna get me another sandwich or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin. I will waste you! You'll have to go through this old bastard first.

Tracy Jordan:And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.

Liz Lemon:He feels like a Bartram's Scrub-Hairstreak trying to crawl back into its silky cocoon. Which is a butterfly metaphor, by the way, and not, as I first thought, a list of African-American hair products.

Jack Donaghy:Well you just need to turn the beautiful butterfly back into a drunk, incompetent caterpillar.

Tracy Jordan:Jesus was black!

Director/crew:In 100 shows, we've done Pam 107 times.

Danny · Jenna Maroney:Um, that wasn't me. There used to be another guy. I don't think so.

Jenna Maroney:I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!

Jenna Maroney:Give me back my man, bitch!

Kenneth · Jenna Maroney:I'll never forget what you said to me after that first show, miss Maroney. / Terrific show, ma'am. If I know anything about television, The Girlie Show is a hit. / Oh, please. If this turkey goes 100 episodes, I'll have your baby.

Jenna Maroney:Wait. I saw that. How? Am I dead?

Kenneth:Well, it's been 100 episodes. I better lay you across my grandmother's lap in the mating shed.

Kenneth:I wish. Albinos get to be watchers in the mating shed.

Jenna Maroney:The only thing I want latched to my funbags are celebrity DJs.

Kenneth:You could sing the baby to sleep and tell it fairy tales and act out all the witch parts.

Jenna Maroney:You're serious? You albino goon.

Liz Lemon · Jenna Maroney:A picture of you in Us Weekly next to Natalie Portman in the same maternity outfit. 'Who wore it best?' / I did. I wore it best.

Liz Lemon · writers' room:All right. Ride it straight to hell! / Here come the roofies. / Where's my Mac and cheese? / And we've had some good times. / Who wants-- my puddings!

Liz Lemon:Tonight, TGS will not be the worst thing on television. It'll be John Stossel.

Maintenance worker / plumber:Why now? On my last day before retirement. / That's my girl. We're getting married when I get out of here. / Why am I showing you guys this? It's gonna jinx everything. Plus you're a couple of pervs.

Maintenance worker:Who's up there? TGS? Isn't that show already half-dead?

Jack Donaghy:Do you know what I find fascinating? Mystery novels written by janitors?

Jack Donaghy:See? I got a new hair. It's white and it hurts, but--

Liz Lemon:Prolonged exposure could lead to incapacitation or even death. Other possible side effects include hallucinations, revelation of secrets, telling of truths, flashbacks, headaches, nostalgia.

Jack Donaghy:I refuse to have long, gas-induced conversations with any of you people.

Pete:I can't believe it's been 100 shows. More like 100 little strokes.

Liz Lemon:Oh, life was so much simpler back then. I had a boyfriend. Dennis. Sure, he was an idiot, but he made great chili, and he didn't care if I watched TV during sex.

Pete:The gas is not affecting me yet, so I can lead you to safety. Just follow these... Troll penises! Oh, God! What have I done?

Tracy Jordan · Morning show hosts:Tracy! Tracy. Tracy? / Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up and make me a sandwich?

Tracy Jordan:I lied to all you ugly white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens, watching vintage pornography.

Tracy Jordan:No! It's unbrave! You should hate me!

Morning show host:It's new haircuts, but you can make salads with them.

Morning show host:A true artist... He feels things we don't.

Liz Lemon · Frank:Frank, what is this? 'Broken eyboard alk show'? / I write what I know. Also I broke my keyboard.

Tracy Jordan:I'm so beloved, I can do no wrong. Now everyone's after me. Unicef, the Gates Foundation. And what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a drug? Is it a bandage you put on a barn?

Tracy Jordan:See, that's the kind of lazy stand-up I'll never do again.

Tracy Jordan:F-u, l.l. Spells 'full,' because you're full of BS, Liz Lemon.

Liz Lemon:Be like Michael McDonald and take it to the streets.

Tracy Jordan:I think Bono got in my limo.

Liz Lemon:No. And I wasn't even drinking anything.

Jenna Maroney:Being pregnant is a great excuse for why I stopped working instead of the truth. I'm in my 40s, very difficult, and not that good at playing La Realite.

Liz Lemon:You will have a child. Who will grow up to be a little gay fancy man.

Liz Lemon:Well, good luck finding a man willing to ride that crazy train.

Jenna Maroney · Liz Lemon:I'll have you know I talked with a man this morning who thinks I'd be a wonderful mother. / He must be an idiot. / He is an idiot.

Jack Donaghy · Sideways Jack:I'm Jack Donaghy, CEO of General Electric. / You were Jack Donaghy. You were magnificent.

Sideways Jack:I run the General. I own an NFL team. I guest-starred on Entourage.

Jack Donaghy · Sideways Jack:I'll tell you what I don't do. Wear a striped tie with a striped shirt. / It's called 'Power Clashing' and I do it because I can. / I wore this on the January cover of Meetings magazine. / We made the cover during meetings history month? / I made the cover.

Sideways Jack:She became your focus at the expense of your own ambition. You should have realized within a week that Lemon was a black hole, unworthy of our mentorship.

Sideways Jack:Are you building factories in Bangalore? Are you dining in the Palin White House? No. You're approving TGS wrap gifts. Baseball caps with stupid sayings from the show written on them. What the hell is a 'Pwomp'?

Sideways Jack · Jack Donaghy:What the hell is a 'Pwomp'? / It's when two fat people-- / I don't care!

Sideways Jack:The real Jack Donaghy could handle a little gas leak!

Jack Donaghy:I am a Jedi!

Bystander:Hey, look. Tracy Jordan is ironically reappropriating his bad past behavior as a commentary on Fitzgerald's dictum that there are no second acts in American life.

Tracy Jordan · bystanders · media:I want to take a picture of him with my old-fashioned camera. / No! No! / Ah! / Help! I can't swim! / He just pulled me out of the water and said, 'Don't tell anyone I did this.' / I didn't even get a chance to congratulate him on his Oscar. / Modesty and heroism. Two words forever synonymous with Tracy Jordan.

Liz Lemon · Lutz:Lutz, what are you working on? / Breathing through my mouth so I don't smell the throw-up on my shirt.

Lutz:I would take my shirt off, but I visited my rescue chimp for his birthday last week, and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it, and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.

Liz Lemon · Cerie:Cerie, did you not bring my computer down? / You said you were writing. I've only seen you use that computer to look at pictures of Nate Berkus.

Liz Lemon:Ah! Pwomp!

Jack Donaghy:Five years of my business life wasted, and I'm still supposed to hold your hand. Your wet, yet somehow flaky hand.

Liz Lemon:Sort of feel like you're gonna say Leno.

Jack Donaghy:I got so sucked into trying to repair you that I became the American auto industry, failing to recognize that you can't fix a Lemon.

Pete (in flashback):This show is her life. She hasn't got much going on. She threw a birthday party for her TV.

Young Jack (flashback):The important thing is that I fire someone... Pete.

Liz Lemon:You tried to fire me? And then a week later, you're like, 'oh, I want to mentor you.' 'Unlikely friendship.'

Jenna Maroney · Paul:Paul, do you think I'd be a good mother? / Of course not. And I'd be a terrible father. I mean, what if we had a child that was prettier than us? We'd have to leave it in a desert.

Jenna Maroney:Right now, it's between 'Frisbeeface' and 'Glock,' gender irrelevant.

Paul:I love you, Jenna Maroney. I want to hogtie you and hide you in the luggage compartment of a Greyhound bus with just a bowl of dirty water.

crew member:Break's over, Paul. Crew meeting in Lady Chantarelle's office. He's pissed.

Dennis Duffy:Whazzup! You've reached Dennis' voicemail. 'How you doing?' Get out of here, Joey. I'm recording my voicemail message.

Dennis Duffy · Chris Hansen:Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Can I ask you what you're doing here tonight? / Yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary. / Hey... threesome? / How about it, huh? / It's Tonya, right?

Dennis Duffy · Liz Lemon:Chew and screw! Run, dummy! / Ah! Damn it, Dennis! I checked a coat.

Dennis Duffy · Liz Lemon:But you called me, Liz. / Oh, whatever. / 'Cause down deep, you still got all kinds of queer feelings for me. That's why I knew someday you'd be all vulnerable from a gas leak or a coma or a super period.

Dennis Duffy:I'm a Duffy, Liz and us Duffys, we didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland. We didn't give up when America sent us back. And we didn't give up when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right?

Kenneth:And out on the Plaza, a bird landed on my apple. I thought he was gonna eat it, but he just sat there. What's next? A different bird landing on a different apple?

Tracy Jordan:I even called a woman's basketball team 'Nappy-headed hos,' but apparently, I'm allowed to talk like that. Why?

Hank Hooper:Brian Williams sure gets close to you when he talks. Very feminine energy.

Liz Lemon:You know, he just likes to learn his lines in the bathroom and communicate by phone. Actors, am I right?

Liz Lemon:He is here. You know, he just likes to learn his lines in the bathroom and communicate by phone. Actors, am I right?

Hank Hooper:I'm just kidding! I mean, look at March of the Penguins. Who was in that?

Kenneth:Oh, excuse me, miss. How much is a lap dance? I'm a little light on cash, but I have a PayPal account.

Tracy Jordan:No daddy stuff. / I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here, but I don't want to hear about it.

Navy recruit:But I wasn't even supposed to say that. The line was, 'Shereen, I hope Dr. Mogutu has good news about my endoscopy,' but I couldn't get it right, so they told me to improv.

Tracy Jordan:There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.

Jenna Maroney:Fine. I'll get you when you're sleeping. It's not rape if neither party really wants it.

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:You're back. / Yeah, and this is my front. / Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.

Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan:Look at Roman Polanski. / No, thank you. / Or Elia Kazan. He told the government his friends were communists, then got a standing ovation at the Oscars. That's crazy. A man named 'Elia.' That's a giraffe's name.

Liz Lemon:You know, when you think about it, the only celebrities who completely undo their goodwill are the murderers. John Wilkes Booth, Phil Spector, OJ Simpson, who texted me earlier today.

Pete:100th episode, 100 hours of comedy. Minus the commercials. 20 hours of comedy.

Dennis Duffy:Look, Liz, if this is gonna work out between you and me, you should know my tarantula sleeps on my face.

Dennis Duffy:Gas has no effect on me at all. When I was growing up, my school, Gerry Cooney Elementary, it was right next to a gas works in Queens. It ventilated into the cafeteria. We got a big settlement from the city. Our parents voted to spend it on a boat that the families could share, but then that sank.

Dennis Duffy:But you know what? I'm still smart enough to know that I'll never do better than you, Liz Lemon, 'cause you're a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.

Dennis Duffy:Let's rock, Duffy.

Past Jack · Jack Donaghy:You're 87 years old? My God, I'm outstanding.

Past Jack:This is how everyone talked in the '80s. This is how Reagan talked.

Doctor:Well, that's redundant. All pregnancies are hysterical. They're started by penises.

Kenneth Parcell:Mr. Jordan, I refuse to accept this is happening. You leaving is as crazy to me as evolution, or a woman's right to choose her haircut.

Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan:You should shoot me... / I should shoot you... / —on the roof of 30 Rock! / —on the roof of 30 Rock! / I only ask one thing, sir. Make it quick. / I cannot promise you that, Ken. I'm a horrible shot.

Future Jack:You have grandchildren and a gorgeous Polyblasian wife. That's a new race that emerges in 2030. They're incredible.

Jack Donaghy · Future Jack:What happened to Avery? / Oh, you'll see. It's hilarious.

Sideways Jack · Jack Donaghy:You'll spearhead GE's development of the electric vagina. You won't be married, but you'll have a house with a lot of glass, and it's cold. And you'll own the Buffalo Bills. / You didn't say it was the Bills.

Future Jack:Right now, Liz Lemon is downstairs about to sign a lease with Dennis Duffy. If she does that, you'll lose her. In three years, they'll be married and living in Jacksonville, Florida, where he operates an unlicensed alligator park.

Jack Donaghy · Future Jack:No, I don't care. I'm tired of saving her. To quote Liz Lemon, 'Opposite!' / You'd be saving yourself.

Jack Donaghy:Jacksonville? Her hair can't handle that humidity.

Sideways Jack · Past Jack · Future Jack · Jack Donaghy · Kenneth:We're obviously all thinking it, so I'm just gonna say it. We're gonna have sex with each other, right? / Yeah, we are. / Oh, my!

Jack Donaghy · Dennis Duffy:No. / Just sign it, dummy. It's a receipt for some lez pants you bought or whatever. / No.

Jack Donaghy · Dennis Duffy:If you have a problem, I will fight you, Dennis. / That wouldn't be very fair. I'm only trained to fight four or more men at a time. There are three more of me upstairs, and I'd be happy to go get them.

Dennis Duffy:Hands off the jacket, all right? It's from Amar'e Stoudemire's eveningwear collection.

Maintenance worker:Somebody sabotaged the gas line. People could've died or had fights.

Dennis Duffy:It was you. / What are you, mad at me, Liz? Huh? I did it for love.

Liz Lemon · Dennis Duffy:If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. / Please. You'll be back.

Hank Hooper:When TGS gets cancelled, I mean if, when TGS gets cancelled, we need to talk about your future.

Jenna Maroney:I'm not gonna be held back by some uterus turd.

Jack Donaghy:Do you have any idea how much paperwork I would have to do if you shot Kenneth?

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:For some reason, I'm starting to rethink this, sir. / We all have doubt, k-tel records. But we made a decision. And we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.

Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan:For some reason, I'm starting to rethink this, sir. / We all have doubt, K-tel records. But we made a decision. And we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:I only ask one thing, sir. Make it quick. / I cannot promise you that, Ken. I'm a horrible shot.

Jack Donaghy:Doesn't matter how big a movie star you are, even if you have the kind of career where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins, made important movies about things like civil rights or Pearl Harbor, stole films with supporting roles and then turned around and blew them away on Broadway. None of that will matter once you do television. You could win every award in sight and be the biggest thing on the small screen, and you'll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party by Greg Kinnear.

Maintenance worker:I'm sorry, folks. While we were working on the gas line, we somehow broke the elevator. She's an old building.

Unknown person · Jack Donaghy:Excuse me. The elevators are out. Do you know how-- / Shut up, Garkle.

Brian Williams · Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Well, if it isn't Jack and Kenneth and Tracy and Liz. Hey, I have a bone to pick with the four of you. / Screw, Williams! / Hey, get out of my home! / Sorry, recurring hobos.

Tracy Jordan:I'm back, everybody. You're welcome... For the adventure... My absence... Whew... Provided.

Tracy Jordan:I'm back, everybody. You're welcome... For the adventure... My absence... Whew... Provided.

TGS announcer:Let's meet our contestants. Dr. Steven Poop is a homemaker and a centaur.

Unknown:You did it. You're picked up for a million more episodes.

Unknown character (possibly Pete):Am I back in Vietnam?

Tracy Jordan:The Grimace Foundation, Jeremy. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a million years.

Game show host · contestant:What charity are you playing for? / The Grimace Foundation, Jeremy. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a million years.

Movie stars (unnamed) · background celebrities:Tracy Jordan's doing TV again? / Clooney, Hanks. Actor emergency. Tracy Jordan's doing TV again. / I know, disappointing. / Take him off the official A-list. / Well, I don't have the password. Pitt's our webmaster. / Well, then, wake him up.

celebrity reaction:Oh, they're doing Pam again? Ugh.

Liz Lemon:This may be the gas talking, but I was wrong about Dennis. You're the guy who never left.

Jack Donaghy:And this is definitely the gas talking, but I'd be a lot worse off if I'd never met you, Lemon, and I'm proud to have you as a mentee. I mean, look at you. Endangering the lives of hundreds of people for a show that TV Guide once called 'still on.' I framed that article.