Pete Hornberger

Pete · Liz · Staff:Everyone springs to excited attention shouting 'This is it, here he comes!' — then it's only Jenna, and they visibly deflate: 'It's only Jenna. All right, it's just Jenna.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete criticizing Tracy: 'within his remunenerative body of work there's just nothing of value' — then Tracy's actual stand-up: 'Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt.'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy to Pete: 'You smoke weed, right, Pete?' Pete: 'Uh... No.' Tracy: 'Yeah, me neither.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'It's good to see you too. 'Cause that means I'm not fired anymore.' Tracy: 'I wasn't gonna mention that.' Pete: 'But I did. And now I'm talking about it.'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy to Pete: 'Relax your balls, Pete.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'That doesn't even sound like the Cos.' Tracy: 'I'm gonna go lay down.' Pete: 'Got you on that one, man. He got you again, man. Get better references.'

Jack · Pete · Jack:The minimum bet in this game is $25. / We usually just play for quarters. / Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy. This is a man's game.

Liz · Pete · Pete:I can't believe you bet your wedding ring. / I know. / Weird thing is, I had money left.

Liz · Pete:I can see your wedding ring. / Idiot.

Liz · Pete · Frank:'Nuts to you, McGullicuty.' / 'Who ordered the wieners?' / Beep beep! Ribby ribby!

Liz · Pete:Which one of your kids is it that you're afraid of? / Kyle. Kyle. / So strong.

Pete · Liz:The jacket incident and Pete's plea: 'Look at me. Look how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.'

Pete:Boy, we as a group might not smell great.

Pete · Liz:You'll be fine... Captain Needa. / No, Captain Needa dies. He dies!

Liz · Pete:Just talking to my 'bud,' Jack Donaghy. / Bud, really?

Liz · Pete:It's like that scene where you see the back of Darth Vader's head with his helmet off, and you're like, 'Oh! He's a human being!' / I gotta get some new DVDs.

Jenna · Pete:Muffin Top is also number four in Belgium. / I said you could do it. / Why not?!

Writer · Pete:Did you guys know that Holland is the only country with a national dog? / I didn't know that. / Hmm. There's little facts under there.

Liz · Pete:Look at the educational system in this country. We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile, our inner-city graduation rates are lower than they are in the Sudan. / That doesn't sound right. / Maybe it was Sweden. Maybe it was teen pregnancy.

Tracy Jordan · Liz · Pete:That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that. / No, Bill Cosby said that. / That's racist. / Look, we can all agree Liz is generally pretty racist.

Pete:Look, we can all agree Liz is generally pretty racist.

Pete:Yeah, I paid to see that. That was supposed to be a western.

Jenna · Pete:The standards lady is saying that my moaning in Muffin Top is too graphic. Which of these is less offensive? Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Or...Ooh-hunh! Unh-hunh! Ohhh!

Director · Pete:Does she know we went off the air two minutes ago? / No, she does not. / Smart move.

Pete · Liz:In the middle of a serious moment, Pete reports the musical guest is James Blunt. Everyone reacts with deflation.

Pete · Liz:Who is it? / James Blunt. / Oh.

Liz · Pete:Liz's extended sandwich-as-relationship metaphor: 'It's convenient, it's consistent, I know what I'm getting, it doesn't make me feel bad about my body. And you know what? Maybe I'm at an age where it's okay for me to settle for this.' Pete: 'Are we still talking about the sandwich place?'

Pete · Liz:Are we still talking about the sandwich place? / No, sadly, I don't think we are.

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'What is your contingency plan for a crapstorm of this magnitude?' Pete: 'There is none. We go live in a half an hour.' Jack: 'No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships.'

Pete:Pete's colleague asks: 'He knows about my marriage?' in a whisper, responding to Jack's 'addiction to dysfunctional relationships' comment.

Pete:As the show faces disaster, Pete says: 'Worse than the time we let Tracy do that tribute to August Wilson? That was my fault. I should have made sure he knew who August Wilson was.'

Pete:A blackout hits right as the show is about to go disastrously live. Pete: 'The backup generator will kick in in just a few seconds.' [long pause] 'Okay, you can panic.'

Pete · Jenna:The Rural Juror — the title is so difficult to say that Pete literally cannot complete it, calling it 'The Rur-- That one.'

Jenna · Pete:"The Rural Juror" opens in selected theaters December 18th. / Does Jack Donaghy even know I'm in The Rural Juror?

Liz · Pete:What the hell's her movie called? / I don't know. She's been talking about it for a year. / I can't ask her now.

Jack · Pete:Pete wearing the Stone Phillips wig walks into the hall; Jack double-takes and says 'Hey, Jack Attack. Sorry, I should have kept that one in the old brain box.'

Jack · Pete:Jack to Pete: 'Did you know that men with full heads of hair on average earn 17% more than their bald counterparts? / I did not know that. / Perhaps it's because bald men are generally less informed than men with full heads of hair.'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Pull my hair. Right now, go ahead. Pull my hair.' / Pete pulls it. / Jack: 'I'm just kidding. It's real.'

Jack · Pete:Pete walks in wearing the wig; Jack does a double-take: 'Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you, handsome?'

Kenneth · Pete · Stage Manager:The chaos at the Conan taping: Kenneth trying to navigate the studio, pages coming through, Conan's announcer beginning Tracy's introduction.

Pete:I'll do it. I mean, my parents raised me as a girl for, like, ten years.

Pete:What? I told you guys that. (beat of silence/disbelief from everyone)

Pete · Liz:The guy just came in here and bared his soul to you. What are you, made of stone? / Am I crazy? The guy's a disaster, right?

Cerie · Pete · Liz:Hey, guess what, everyone? I'm engaged. / Hey, this isn't gonna change the way you dress or eat lollipops, is it? / No. / Oh, then congratulations.

Liz · Pete:Wow, he's a little bit of a stress eater, huh? / He puts up with so much.

Liz · Pete:Didn't you have a vasectomy? / No, I just told my wife I did. / And she doesn't get pregnant how? / I fake it.

Pete:Pete pronounces the title correctly: 'The Rural Juror! That is something.'

Liz · Pete:Liz: 'It's hard to go wrong with a Kevin Grisham novel.' Pete: 'You mean John Grisham?' Liz: 'Oh, no. Kevin, John's brother.'

Pete · Liz:Pete: 'He just finished writing a sequel. It's called Urban Fervor.' Liz: 'Boy, these titles — they really make you think.'

Pete · Liz:Pete tries to say the title: 'The Rrr--' / Liz: 'Rural.' / 'The Ruh--' / 'Rural.' / Pete gives up with a defeated 'Eh.'

Pete:Pete: 'So what nice thing are you going to say about The Roaring Junior?'

Jenna · Liz · Pete:Jenna and Liz communicating through Pete: 'Pete, could you tell Liz Lemon not to stand in my eyeline while I'm rehearsing, please?' / 'Pete, could you tell Jenna she smells like a stripper?'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Burning jets of grease, huh? Were any of our people hurt?' / Pete: '—Only Kenneth.' / Jack: 'Good.'

Pete · Jenna:The French maid werewolf costume vs. Hillary Clinton — 'No, the French maid werewolf thing is cut. You're supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now.'

Pete:Pete doing an Elmo voice on the phone: 'Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty. No, not at Mommy. At the potty.'

Pete:How is that Elmo's fault? / Did Mommy have some wine before she called Elmo?

Pete · Tracy:Pete suddenly acting dominant with the strip club woman — 'Mind your business, son!' / He's embracing his power. / [Growls]

Pete · Tracy's companion:Everyone thinks I'm 5'5", but I'm only 5'4". / Wow! That is an amazing story!

Vikki · Pete:I know. I just wanted to talk to you. / Oh, no. You don't need to do that. [Banging on door] / I've never done it in a men's bathroom before. / Well, in this building.

Pete:That's why me and my wife role-play. She put on a girl scout outfit with a box of cookies, and I answer the door in my boxers. Or I rent out a wheelchair, and she pretends to be my caseworker.

Pete:And, in a way, she is.

Pete:It's also her birthday.

Pete:Sorry. I got to duck out. I just found a Hallmark store open 70 blocks from here.

Pete · Paula:Pete role-playing as a maintenance worker to sneak into his wife's hotel room — 'I'm detecting a lot of heat over here... I think it's coming... from my butt.'

Pete:Oh, no! I'm married!

Pete · Liz:Where is everybody? / Oh, they all had personal problems they had to take care of.

Pete · Liz Lemon:Who died? / Nobody. I have a date.

Pete:Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife. Those big farm people hands crushin' my windpipe.

Pete:Good Lord... your eyes. You look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.

Pete:I know I'm the guy who lied to his wife about having a vasectomy, but this... this is wrong.

Pete:You forgot to give me the key to your place, and I need it, my wife knows about our little secret.

Pete:Oh, God. I should've just gotten a vasectomy!

Writer · Pete:Oh, that movie was a complete waste of time. / I thought it was moving... my bowels.

Jack · Floyd · Pete:What are you drinking? / Club soda. / Oh, that's a shame. Pete.

Pete:Pete's genuine concern for Tracy: 'I hope he's okay. I hope he's taking his medication. And I hope he took a jacket 'cause it can get real chilly there.'

Pete:Pete offers to 'do the thing where I walk like RoboCop' with the voice: 'Your move, creep.'

Pete:Pete to Liz on dealing with Angie: 'Oh, you want a scary black lady to be nice to you? Tell her you like her nails. Always works for me at the bank.'

Pete:Hey! What the hell is going on down here? The phones are ringing off the hook, there's no one seating the Conan audience! Get back to work, you morons!

Pete:We're out of string cheese, so I think I'm gonna take off.

Pete:That is the body spray that came with my new leather jacket.

Liz · Paula · Pete:Liz! / Paula? / You're cheating with your wife! Why didn't you tell me about this!

Liz · Pete:So much hair. / Sorry, she likes me natural.

Pete:Look, Paula and I got married our sophomore year. She was pregnant 20 minutes into the first date.

Pete:We did it on your kitchen table. I shouldn't have told you that.

Pete:Oh hey, could you come home early tonight? Paula wants to get caught again.

Liz · Pete:He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand. And I think it's because I'm a woman. / And get this — he's got maps all over his walls. / Maps. / Maps?

Pete · Liz:You mean like that one? / That's different, that's -- that's an antique. And I'm a white lady.

Pete:He just completed some big project he's been working on. Soon everyone will know the name Raheem Haddad.

Pete · Jack:Some dudes took Raheem last night. / Sounds like an American hero saw something and said something.

Jack · Pete:You seem to be defending Raheem an awful lot. I'd hate to have to make another phone call. / No, we're cool. Uh, I renounce Raheem. Raheem's a bad guy. USA number one!

Frank · Pete · Pete:I want Jamie. / Yeah, you're gay! / He's totally gay for...

Pete · Toofer:Pete to Toofer: 'Hey, take that off. You didn't go to Harvard.' Toofer: 'I went to Harvard.'

Frank · Pete:Frank: 'Well, I got a squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk bed, so I think I got the full Harvard experience.' Pete: 'That does sound pretty accurate.'

Liz · Pete:Liz to Pete: 'He's fine. I just need you to make him a Pacific Rim Emmy.' Pete: 'Props has an old basketball trophy we could solder some wings onto.'

Toofer · Pete · Frank:Toofer produces the Signet Society pin, Pete produces the same pin from his pocket, Toofer says 'Oh, you mean this pin?' — and Pete points out 'Your lame thing is on his pants.'

Liz · Pete:After explaining Mitch thinks it's 1985, Liz adds: 'It should be mentioned that, sexually, Mitch is very much an adult.' / 'No, it should not be mentioned.'

Pete · Unknown:Liz says no to Tracy going to Ludachristmas; Pete assigns Grizz, Dot Com, and Kenneth to keep him sober. Someone asks: 'Okay. But who's project manager?'

Pete:"And no chitchat between songs this year. People don't watch Letterman for Paul Shaffer."

Pete:Pete's reaction to the Mitch/Jenna situation: 'That's a filthy Christmas miracle.'

Liz · Pete · unnamed staff:This show is the worst. / Didn't one of those milfs die during production? / She had too much champagne, and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand. / It could happen anywhere.

Pete:This is bad. Like, lose your job bad.

Pete · Liz:The season finale of Milf Island. And I'm gonna watch it alone in my office. That's pretty grim, Pete.

Pete · Liz:Ooh, a dangler! / Liz, I'm gonna get free food. / It's Soy Joy. / Who doesn't love Soy Joy? / Somebody upstairs has changed their mind about old Pete Hornberger.

Pete:Pete gets stuck in the vending machine — 'I'm stuck!'

Pete:Maybe if I can get the shirt off. [Pete struggles, nearly shirtless, trapped in vending machine]

Pete:Pete, still stuck in the vending machine, desperately calls random numbers in the building trying to reach someone for help

Pete:A porn video game? It can't be done. Look, Tre, history's greatest perverts have tried: Walt Disney, Larry Flynt, the Japanese, but they can't do it because of the uncanny valley.

Tracy · Pete:Tell it to me in Star Wars. / ...But down here we have a CGI storm trooper or Tom Hanks in the Polar Express. / I'm scared! Get me out of there!

Tracy · Pete:I'm like Mozart. / You're like that guy that was always jealous of Mozart. / Salieri? / No, thank you. I already ate.

Pete:Don't hold your breath, Pete. It can't be done or else I would've solved it a long time ago. Yeah, I would have.

Pete · Kenneth:Is that — is he finished? / Not yet, but don't disturb him. He can't keep going like this. He was up for six hours straight.

Pete:I've given my whole life to porn and he does it in one day! One day!

Liz · Pete:Marcus Schenkenberg was there. Who? Okay, the craziest thing happened...

Pete · Liz:You were using your treadmill? Yes, and, yes, Pete, I use it every day.

Pete · Liz:JetFun. Is that the one with the footbaths? Oh, no, that's AirBike. They also have in-flight pornos and NBC news. JetFun's the one that hands out fresh popcorn.

Pete:Pete's memory of Carter's Olympic boycott announced as 'Bad news, archers.'

Pete:Pete's bitter aside after the boycott memory: 'Peanut farmer.'

Liz · Little Creeper doll · Liz · Pete:Are these dolls? Are they? / Mommy. / They're called Little Creepers. Is it so wrong that I just want to have one of these to grow up and resent me? / Oh, you will.

Pete:Actually, I lived with Liz while I was separated from my wife. In a platonic way. But I haven't lived there for a couple months now because I've been at an anger management treatment center 'cause I shot one of my co-workers with an arrow.

Tracy · Pete:For letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat. / Wow. / You're gonna get so much nice-nice in that you're gonna have to grow another ding...

Jack · Liz · Liz · Pete:Would you like to see the green room? / What? / You mean the nursery! / We gotta get this stuff back to the rental place by 5:00.

Pete:Nowhere. We don't get next week off. We've got to load out the sets and take them to storage. Then at night, I've got to drive around Newark looking for my runaway daughter.

Pete:'I have heard that, yes.' — Pete confirming Jenna's false Wikipedia facts about Janis Joplin speed-walking and being afraid of toilets.

Pete · Jenna:Pete addresses Jenna as 'Miss Jimplin' — casually accepting her Method persona

Frank · Pete · Jenna:Frank tells Pete: 'Your Wikipedia prank is inspired.' But then we see Jenna preparing to eat a cat.

Pete · Tracy:Hey Larry, first time caller, I adore the show— / Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere Larry, that's my friend Peter Frampton on the phone.

Tracy · Pete:I already told you, it's dry and warm, its top is hard but its bottom is soft, and although the location changes, it's always in the same place. There's nothing like that in 30 Rock, nothing. — I never said it was a 'thing.' It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock.

Pete · Liz:Donuts and then bed. What are you depressed about or celebrating?

Pete · Jenna:Oh, brother. She's feeling neglected. How's she going to act out this time? My ankle!

Pete:Oh, 'Imaginary injury.' I would have said 'death of a voice coach.'

Pete:Being terrible has never prevented success in the music business. Look at Biz Markie or The Doors.

Pete:And when my caveman brain saw those babies with their little Hornberger foreheads... it clicked.

Pete · Liz:How did you get a table? The chef sent over food. Ladies sent drinks. Mayor Bloomberg asked him to dance.

Pete:You've got buzz. You were in that magazine that time.

Pete:This is serial killer language.

Pete · Liz:Pete: 'I think he has stuff all morning.' Liz: 'You think or you know?' Pete: 'Hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.'

Pete:Pete: 'In Cape Canaveral. By which I mean, through that door. We told him he had to be blindfolded before launch to prevent "Space Madness."'

Pete:Pete: 'We put him on the Channel Four traffic copter for a couple of hours. And now, he's landed here in sunny Florida.'

Pete:Pete: 'As a child, I dreamed of being a Congressman like my father. Now, I do this. One D.U.I. in high school.'

Pete · Tracy:The 'computer' (clearly a recorded voice) says: 'Good work, Astronaut Jordan. Now do 20 space sit-ups.'

Dot Com · Pete · Tracy:Dot Com: '"T" minus 10 minutes.' Pete: 'Quiet. Tracy is coming. Are go for launch. Star Wars.' Tracy: [Imitates Ewok]

Jack · Pete:Pete. A word. / Jenna's dead. / I don't feel anything. / What's wrong with me?

Pete:They already have an obituary reel for Jenna — 'We put it together after she cheated on that mobster.'

Pete · Announcer:A memorial tribute for Jenna on TGS begins with: 'The coast guard won't officially declare her dead yet, but what the pirates did to that boat!'

Pete · Announcer:Jenna's tribute reel: 'That was some of Jenna Maroney's earlier work. It's hard to believe that both of those women outlived her. Especially the woman on the right.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete tells Jenna the psychiatrist's 'sociopath test' — a woman kills her father to see a man again at his funeral — as if it's advice

Jenna · Pete:'Thanks for the advice!' / 'No, no, no, that wasn't advice. But of course, she'd also have to kill her father's doorman and anyone else who might have seen her. And you, for giving her the idea in the first place.'

Pete:'Thank God... "sociopath" downgraded to "extreme narcissist."'

Liz · Pete:Liz is skeptical about Donald's age: 'That guy is conning him, right? Maybe Donald just looks old.' Pete: 'I know, but I find it hard to tell the age of Black people.'

Pete · Liz · Black Extra:A Black extra in the hallway demonstrates the age-guessing problem: 'How old do you think I am?' Pete: '25.' Liz: '50.' Extra: 'I'm 33. How old is Samuel L. Jackson?'

Pete · Liz:Pete and Liz use the Samuel L. Jackson data to reason that maybe Tracy is actually 60, listing supporting evidence: can't rap, has diabetes, many dead friends, falls asleep sitting, can't use computers, always angry at TV, favorite show is NCIS.

Pete · Liz:Pete's theory: Tracy might actually be 60 years old — evidence includes bad rapping, diabetes, many dead friends, falling asleep sitting up, can't use computers, angry at TV, favorite show is NCIS

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'Tracy, you're 39, right?' Tracy: 'Of course. Why would I lie about my age? I work in entertainment.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete tries to verify Tracy's age by referencing a Rob Base song, 'It Takes Two' — 'everyone our age knows that song, right?'

Tracy · Pete · Liz:Tracy sings 'It Takes Two' lyrics confidently: 'I'm a woman lover, I'm a girl lover, even ladies who never seen me love me' — Pete and Liz confirm this doesn't help because he's using it in a song.

Donald · Pete · Liz:Donald says he'll get Jack's address 'from my dad' — 'instead of doing that now, good idea.' Pete and Liz exchange knowing looks.

Pete:Pete: 'I was trying to steal my dead neighbor's identity because sometimes things feel like too much and maybe I need to get in a car and drive away.'

Donald · Pete · Liz:Donald demonstrates 'forward kick, forward kick' in the kumite — and clearly knows karate. Then: 'Guilty fugitive!' Pete and Liz react.

Pete:Pete: 'Mama's boy! Help mama's boy! Help mama's boy!' — apparently shouting something to distract or label Donald during the karate match.

Pete · Liz:Pete and Liz: 'Obviously Donald knows karate. We still don't know how old any African American is.' Pete: 'By the way, I got the birth certificate.' Liz: 'Really? How?' Pete: 'The clerk just gave it to me.' Liz: 'You'll understand when you get older.'

Liz · Pete · Kenneth:No one can know about this. Know about what? Pete's stealing money. Liz's uterus fell out. Oh, I think I already knew that. Hm.

Jenna · Liz · Pete:What are you two lovebirds whispering about? Nothing. Uterus nothing.

Jenna · Pete · Liz:I thought you were leaving 10 minutes ago of me. Oh, well, we're going two separate places. So it's not weird. No, nothing is ever weird now.

Pete:Pete, are you driving uptown? Love you too! Bye!

Pete:Yes, she will give it back to you when he goes home and gets it from her wife.

Liz · Pete:Yes, yes, we are doing it. [beat] No! So there you go, case closed. Pete and I are intercoursing each other.

Liz · Pete · Others:Oh, somebody help him out, for God's sake. You've got to use your lower back. That's incorrect! Lift with your legs!

Liz · Pete:Josh refuses to un-quit. Jenna and Tracy are on strike. We have no actors. Now we could rerun episode 214. No, no. That's the one where Tracy tore up that picture of the Pope. In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States.

Liz · Pete:You know, this whole thing is your fault. Wait, it's not my fault? Blame Jack or Kenneth or Tracy. Or Meat Cat. Because I've had the Cheesy Blasters for three days.

Pete:oh, and not to add to your problems, but paula read your book.

Pete · Jack Donaghy:what if microwaves broke down more easily, so people would have to buy new ones more often? yes, shoddier, excellent. bigger and not as well-made.

Pete · Liz Lemon:Oh, my God, you're gonna heckle him, like that time I invited you to see my cover band. / Yeah, and today the world is better off without the Pete Hornberger Alan Parsons Project project.

Pete:Middle-aged female comic with a bolo tie, one-man band who only plays Halloween music, and Australia's Jackie Mason.

Pete:At your age, it's probably the last time you'll ever make a man happy.

Liz · Pete:I'm driving a bus? [beat] No, you're— you're opening the floodgates. With a horizontal wheel? Floodgate wheels ARE horizontal!

Pete · Liz:What is Kathy Geiss doing here? Her father heard about Brian Williams and insisted she get a chance.

Pete:Do you know the Australian Jackie Mason was chemically castrated by his government?

Pete:Was describing your sandwich necessary to our understanding of what happened?

Toofer · Lutz · Pete:Good evening, we are Laugh of the Mohicans. Our first bit is the Hamburglar— NO!

Pete:Pete's negotiation: 'Two questions: must I live by Superman's moral code, and will the sex woman get older?' Answered yes and yes. 'Forget it. No deal.'

Pete:Pete's advice to Danny: 'Learn as little as you can. 'Cause when you know things, people ask you to do things... That's why when someone comes to me with something I don't want to deal with, I say, 'Oh no, my kid's sick,' and take off.'

Pete · Danny:You have any kids? / No, I mean, I pretty much raised my little sister 'cause my mom— / That must have been hard. / No, my kid is sick.

Pete · Tracy:Pete and Tracy's advice to Danny: 'Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom. You're an actor now. You're special.'

Pete:Pete: 'Oh, my kid got hit by a car!' [runs away from Liz's problem]

Danny · Pete:Pete, I have a problem. I need your help. / Oh, my kid got hit by a car! [cuts to Pete running away]

Tracy · Pete:Tracy and Pete realize their Problem Solvers T-shirts have each other's names on them and debate: 'Do you want to switch where we're standing, or switch our T-shirts?' 'Just to be safe, let's do both.'

Tracy · Pete:The Problem Solvers' infomercial: 'Do you have a problem? Then call the Problem Solvers. Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawlspace? Term paper blues? Migrating implants? Call the Problem Solvers. 'Cause after all, what's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?'

Pete:'He gets the jars, and in return he's agreed to let a Yale sweatshirt be our designated fart dampener.'

Liz Lemon · Pete:Pete interrupts the fantasy: 'Liz! Snap out of it!' / Liz: 'No, go away. This is my fantasy, Pete!' / Pete: 'I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies.' / Liz: 'It looks terrible.'

Pete:Pete's reaction: 'Wow, she finally figured that out.' (about Jenna realizing Liz can't see her through the door)

Pete:Pete's confession: 'Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. 'Cause no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.'

Pete · Liz Lemon:Pete: 'You got a haircut.' / Liz: 'Oh, actually, I got three haircuts. The first two made me look nuts.'

Liz Lemon · Pete:Pete: 'I need to talk to you. I have an actress problem.' / Liz: 'Okay. Don't try to move the body yourself.'

Pete:Pete's camera anxiety speech: 'Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on camer-ah. You're vulnerable, you're exposed. It doesn't take a lot to send you over the edge.'

Pete · Jack Donaghy · Frank:Pete/Jack seeing Frank-as-Liz: 'You look exactly like Liz.' / Frank: 'Shut up! You've just never seen my reading glasses before... And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me...'

Liz Lemon · Pete:Liz refuses the high-def camera: 'No! No high-def, uh, because of the camera. The, uh, gobos are really moraying, right, Pete?' / Pete: 'Please step away!'

Liz · Pete:Your hair's looking less weird. Thanks.

Liz · Pete:I wanna take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle. Aw, she'll love that.

Pete · Liz:You guys remind me of that bantering couple in that old movie, um... [cut] Meet the Parents.

Pete:She does this every year. She doesn't give the money because she knows the card says 'From the cast and writers of TGS' and she'll get credit for it anyway.

Pete:I should make up new cards that say 'Happy holidays from everyone except Jenna.' But that would require me to have some remaining life force, Danny. So I'm gonna go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.

Pete · Danny:Wow, you really get in the Christmas spirit. [snaps fingers] Oh my God. I just got sarcasm.

Pete:you can be like Madonna and cling to youth with your gollum arms.

Pete · Frank:what are you happy about? / did we get canceled?

Pete:Doctor's rules: someone must pick Liz up after anesthesia. Pete shares: 'When I had my wisdom teeth out, I tried to get in the bath with my mom.'

Pete:Pete's Valentine's Day tradition: 'Every year, Paula and I rent this big suite up at Niagara. Then she takes the kids there and I stay home and get wasted in my garage. It's what keeps the magic alive.'

Pete:Danny was nominated for a Juno, which is like a Canadian Grammy.

Pete:Well, Danny's interview with the New York Times comes out today, so 'ivatrennapra.'

Kenneth · Pete:A what? / If Tracy and Jenna hear about it, they'll get jealous and act out, and as much as I want to, I can't slap the brat out of them.

Pete:Yes. Tell them your stories. They'll hate that.

Jenna · Pete:Uh, controlling our dreams? We can explain, Pete. / Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. I haven't even had my first cup of wine today.

Pete · Tracy · Jenna:I've had enough of both of you. Your bad behavior stops now! / Absolutely, sir. We promise. / And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank-you song.

Tracy · Pete:Pete asks Tracy to call Toofer and talk sense into him: 'Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy, 'cause we all know each other.'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy: 'This workplace has become a hotbed of old-school racism.' / Pete: 'Come on, Trey, no one here is racist.' / Tracy: 'Oh, yeah? How come I'm always forced to play ridicarus characters that don't enununcia tewell.'

Pete · Liz:Pete reveals Liz attended University of Maryland on a 'partial competitive jazz dance scholarship' — from a Title IX program

Pete · Liz:Pete reveals Liz was only hired by Second City 'because they needed someone who could remember to feed the theater cat.' / Liz: 'Oh, no... Otis.'

Pete:Pete: 'The only reason NBC picked up the Girlie Show is because of the flak they got from women's groups after airing the action drama Bitch Hunter.'

Pete:Pete: 'This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.'

Toofer · Pete · Tracy:Toofer returns: 'Apparently, I am the only one among us who can spell.' / Pete: 'Welcome back, James.' / Tracy: 'Hang on, who's James?'

Tracy · Pete · Frank:Nickname suggestions for Toofer/James: 'Victoria Q. Nerdballs,' 'Kanye East,' 'Super Virgin!' 'Splock, short for "black Spock."' 'Three-fer, 'cause you're also gay.'

Pete:We're already printing all of our internal memos on the back of my kids' art.

Jenna · Liz · Pete:You should fire grace from wardrobe. She doesn't do anything. Fire grace? Come on, you'd have to be a heartless monster... I'll do it.

Pete:Yesterday, I went to the gym. And this morning, I made love to my wife. And she was still asleep, so I didn't have to be gentle.

Liz · Pete:That's one of the most upsetting things I have ever imagined. Are you sure? Think about it again. Yes.

Pete:Liz, the writers can't take a car service at night anymore. I've crunched the numbers, and it's cheaper for us to just replace anyone who gets murdered.

Liz · Pete · Jenna:I was looking it over, and I've realized something. There's one too many producers, Pete. Okay, I get it. But please... I have five kids. That I don't want to be at home with. No, Pete, it's me.

Pete:What happened was Suzanne from ad sales got pushed into me in the elevator. I didn't try to touch her. And the sort of 'unh' sound I made was about something else.

Pete:I told you about my blankie.

Jack · Pete:Now freestyle rap for me. ♪ Rollin' with my homie, me and Jackie D. / Bitches get ready for a sex party ♪

Jack · Pete:Sitting around drinking beer while a guy in a poncho plays guitar. This is what I always pictured college being like. — I wouldn't really know. I only had about two weeks of real college before Paula got pregnant... twice.

Pete:She had overlapping pregnancies five months apart.

Pete:♪ Ba Ba BA BA ba ba / sitting on a park bench / neer neer neer / I don't know the words except park bench ♪

Pete · Jack:Oh, god, she means the pizza. No, she's unhinging her jaw!

Pete:He turned the greenroom into an NBC Experience Store.

Pete:Not all the time. After her hysterectomy, she was in a coma briefly.

Pete:it's... unnatural. And while our children are basically snot silos with BB guns...

Liz · Pete:Pete, you and Paula fight a lot. / No, I walked into a door! I'm so clumsy!

Pete:I agreed to go to a furniture store instead of watching football one time, and I haven't seen a game since.

Pete:Find their weakness, and viciously exploit it. That's what marriage is.

Pete:What about a tornado that hits a handgun factory, and it's just spinning around shooting handguns?

Pete:Pete reveals he was in Loverboy — then hums 'Everybody's Working for the Weekend'

Pete:Pete chose between staying in Loverboy or taking a college scholarship to study TV budgeting

Pete · Liz · Jenna:Pete and Liz are discovered rehearsing their song 'It's Never Too Late For Now' in the studio

Pete · Liz:Pete and Liz argue about who invented 'It's Never Too Late' and who gets to speak at the Grammys

Pete · Liz:Pete and Yuki's band conflict — 'Do you think that, or does she?' referencing Yoko Ono dynamics

Pete:Pete: 'All right, you know what? Forget it! Sound mound is finished! Which means I now have 5,000 t-shirts to un-order.' — immediately receives a delivery of band t-shirts

Pete · Toofer · others:Well done, sir. Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong... Yeah. If the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome. Standing ovation.

Pete:Attention everyone. I found a glove in the elevator. If anyone is missing a glove, I may have found your glove.

Pete:Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in 'Dead Poets Society,' by which I mean I got fired.

Pete:Just like 'Lean on Me,' in that a guy who looks like Morgan Freeman swung a bat at me.

Reggie (TGS writer) · Pete:What do you even do? — I'm the producer of the show. — Right. That's what your wife told me in the shower this morning.

Pete:Yes, Reggie, I am bald. I lost my hair at a very early age when I hit that gypsy's kid with my car...

Jenna · Pete:I'm leaving to do a movie, Pete. What? No, you can't do that! That's what your wife told me in the shower this morning.

Pete:Yeah! Eat your weakness! [Pete winning the arm wrestling contest]

Pete:Congratulations. According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.

Pete · TGS Writers:Takeout from Hooters! What? That makes no sense! We'll know they touched it!

Reggie · Pete:I challenge you to the wrestling of arms! — Arm wrestling. On the stage. Midnight. In front of everyone. — How about tomorrow? It seems like it'd be more convenient for people. — I'll meet you anytime, anywhere. I just have to work around a PTA meeting at 5:00 that I can't miss 'cause this week I'm snack dad.

Pete:Yeah, I am. Last night I had sex with Paula, and neither of us was wearing a Walkman.

Pete:Well, of course he can, Mr. Big Shot Pet Photographer! I hope you get sleep at night.

Pete · Reggie:You know what your wife told me in the shower this morning? — You're a good guy.

Pete:It's not, hon. I saw that in a movie once, but in the movie, the guy was dead.

Pete:I can't believe it's been 100 shows. More like 100 little strokes.

Pete:The gas is not affecting me yet, so I can lead you to safety. Just follow these... Troll penises! Oh, God! What have I done?

Pete:100th episode, 100 hours of comedy. Minus the commercials. 20 hours of comedy.

Pete:In 100 shows, we've done 'Pam' 107 times.

Jack Donaghy · Pete:Thank you. Pete. Thank you, Pete. [Jack accepts congratulations from Pete with regal, meaningless acknowledgment]

Pete:I can't believe it's been 100 shows. More like 100 little strokes.

Pete:She hasn't got much going on. She threw a birthday party for her TV.

Jack Donaghy · Pete:If you fire Liz, then I quit. You'll never succeed by sticking your neck out for someone like her. But if that's how you feel, so be it. The important thing is that I fire someone. Pete.

Pete:Oh, come on, Subhas. Got to keep daddy's special sleepy-place clean.

Pete:Jiminy Cricket, copyright Walt Disney Company, 1940!

Pete · Colleague:I couldn't find a Lincoln hat so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead. If anyone notices... / We're dead.

Audience Member · Pete · Audience Member:What's with that hat? / Oh, I think it looks very authentic. / Yeah, I guess you're right.

Pete · Colleague · Kelsey Grammer (as Lincoln):Wha... what's happening? / Shh, Pete, don't talk. / Wassup?! / Yeah, baby!

Pete:What... I forgot to press a floor again.

Colleague · Liz · Pete:Liz, there's something wrong with Pete. / [scene] Oh, my God! I don't know what happened. Pete, I have been out there putting out fires all day while you've been hiding in here doing this? You're disgusting.

Pete · Liz:Kelsey Grammer did this to me. / Really, Pete? Kelsey Grammer made you do this while he was performing his one-man show about Abraham Lincoln?

Colleague · Pete · Colleague:I didn't notice before with all the excitement, but... I look incredibly beautiful. / The lighting is back to normal. / Both switches need to be on, woman. / The bulb wasn't even broken? / None of this was necessary.

Pete:Pete on mother-in-laws: 'I've never had a mother-in-law, but I have seen Everybody Loves Raymond' — then launches into spot-on impression of Raymond's mother dynamic

Pete · Jenna:Pete reports Sebastian the producer 'OD'd last night in Guy Fieri's apartment.' Jenna: 'Oh, my God, that's terrible.' Pete: 'Terrible for me.'

Jenna · Pete:Jenna refuses a live band: 'I have made love to Alfonso, he can't keep rhythm, get him out of here.' / 'That's a wrap on Alfonso. Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.'

Jenna · Pete:Jenna mouths along to her own playback but isn't singing — her mouth moves but no sound. Pete: 'Jenna, you're not singing.' Jenna: 'Yes, I am.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete and Jenna staring at each other: 'Well, there's something weird going on here. You feel that sexual energy too?' / 'I mean, but... it would be wrong to act on it.' / 'Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.'

Announcer · Pete:Pete's 1982 archery flashback: '...so put down your Rubik's cube, turn off that Yakov Smirnoff standup tape, and set all your swatches to right now. [Pete shoots] I've been shot! Someone run into town and find a payphone!'

Pete · Jenna:Pete and Jenna's yips 'cure': 'Okay, we don't have a lot of time. So, maybe just by acknowledging the problem, we fixed it? I think we did. I'm cured!'

Pete · Jenna:Pete's archery epiphany: He shoots an arrow at Jenna across the stage to give her pain — and it works.

Pete:Pete's yips breakthrough: He realizes he needs to hurt Jenna 'but she's all the way over there. How could I possibly...' — then shoots her with an arrow from across the studio.

Pete:Boy, when I move on to my new job I'm sure gonna miss you two and your whole Sam and Diane thing.

Pete:I can't order you a car unless it's after 9:00, or you have a note from your killer.

Pete · Jenna:Oh, Jenna, I have a friend... / Yeah, well I have a million friends. I get so many birthday cards it's embarrassing.

Liz · Pete:This is normalling. It's a weird sex thing. Paul and I do things like reboot the Internet... and discuss whether the chair would be better over by the window where there's more light?

Pete:Hey, you and Paul should come by the house sometime. We'll have dinner, play Scattergories.

Kenneth · Pete:Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear.

Pete:It's not such a big deal in Boston, either. Just a Leap Day William parade, citywide ice maze and we don't poke you in the eye if you're not wearing yellow and blue. We just stomp on your foot. Kick you in the knee, Yankees suck, go Pats.

Pete:Uptight lawyer Dave Williams turns into the real Leap Day William after an ice fishing trip gone awry. USA runs an all-day marathon.

Pete:Someone with a key to my office, a janitor or a security guard or some black... Hearted individual, probably white.

Pete:Hey, everybody's just sitting around in there waiting for you two to shoot promos. Thank God I've got my awesome Phil Donahue story.

Pete:Look, all I wanted to do was hang with my friends, rock some jams, and tell the story about my cousin seeing Phil Donahue. I mean me! I-I'm the one who saw him.

Pete:Pete's birthday song — Pete performing a song about the Phil Donahue encounter to the tune of 'Piano Man'

Pete · Hazel:They're both reading host number one. / Would a third host help? I am SAG eligible, but I will only do nude stuff if there's a mirror behind me.

Jack · Pete:Your evaluation gave me pause. Are you sure? Those look like hands to me.

Pete:The last time I tried to put myself out there, the girl turned out to be a cop.

Pete:What? Like Frasier? But that's fun...

Pete:My father was a congressman. I was valedictorian at St. Andrew's, an olympic archer, fourth guitarist in Loverboy... As a teenager.

Pete · Jack:Including the one that looked like a terrified Asian man? It was a different time, Pete.

Jack · Pete:A man who, years ago, was on top of the world, who saw Paula and dragged her back to his cave. Actually she took me that first night.

Jack · Pete:For God's sake, Hornberger, the dummy is winning! Why are you kissing it? I'm submitting to its strength. It's the Alpha.

Pete:The other day I was mugged by what I'm pretty sure was two five-year-olds in a trench coat.

Jack · Pete:Your life is tied to the fate of the ring. It must be destroyed. Are you quoting Lord of the Rings? No, I'm quoting myself talking to Bruce Willis.

Pete · Jack:Do you know what was under my hair? A birthmark. It looks like a swastika made out of penises.

Pete:Do you know what it's like to try to have sex wearing a child's little orphan Annie wig?

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Congratulations, I knew I'd make a man out of you.' / Pete: 'Get out!' / Jack: 'There's the confidence. / Please, just leave.' / Jack: 'Pete, you're welcome.'

Jack · Pete:Congratulations, I knew I'd make a man out of you. Get out! There's the confidence. Please, just leave. Pete, you're welcome.

Pete:In five years, I hope I don't have to do this hat thing any more.

Jenna · Pete:I have been waiting seven years to tell you people what I really think of you. Really? 'Cause you called me 'Mr. Clean's Gay Uncle' in front of my children.

Jenna · Pete:Read it and weep, you mouth-breathing, vag repellers. It's $90, Jenna.

Pete:How do you make sex fun? Well, Paula never opens her eyes. So what I do is look at a nursing school catalog I keep under my pillow.

Pete:My doctor's have been very clear about this, Jenna. If I get moderate exercise, I'm gonna die! And I'm mad at your success, but pretending it's something else!

Pete:But I'm judging Spike TV's Miss Nude Divorcee in Tampa on Christmas Eve. And I was gonna visit MGM Studios. The rides there capture the thrills and chills of the movies.

Pete:For God's sake, some of us have jobs! I've got a pile of 1020-Gs up here with no travel times on them, and if I don't...

Pete · Crabcatcher fan:I went to give them a piece of my mind. / [cuts to Pete at the beach] / Enjoy, bro. / But before I could... ♪ Slow down / they gave me peace.

Pete:Pete's karaoke analogy for why no one will be as excited about Obama's re-election: 'It's like when you do karaoke, and everyone's like, "That was a really good American Pie, Pete. You knew all the words." And then you put it on again. And everyone leaves because no one can top it.'

Pete:Pete trying to invite security guard Maria to an election party: 'Hey, Maria. Hey, it's Election Day! Huge party upstairs tonight. Just like 2008. I'll see you there?'

Pete:Pete to NBC election anchor: 'Williams, I need you to call it for Obama right now! Remember that time you got a haircut, and I was the first person to say, "Someone got a haircut"? You owe me!'

Pete:'Everyone has to vote immediately! This election has to be over by six!' — Pete running through the office

Pete:Pete's Joni Mitchell impression: 'If Joni Mitchell were here, she'd be like: [singing] "The big man won't give peace a chance / The cobblestones, cobblestones"'

Coworker · Pete:Coworker: 'Seriously, dude, let it go. It was just one kiss.' / Pete: 'Yeah, if you need a kiss so bad, why don't you kiss a potato like the rest of us?'

Pete:Pete's speech: 'That night in 2008, everything felt possible. Like my whole life was ahead of me. I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like, "Wiki-what?"! And none of that has happened!'

Pete:Pete's speech: 'I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like Wiki-what?! And none of that has happened!'

Pete:Pete to Maria: 'I know it's the second time, but it's our last shot at feeling... this!' [presumably gestures grandly to the election broadcast or himself]

Pete:Pete responds to Kenneth's hope speech: 'All day, all night, baby.' — using Cool Pete's catchphrase

Pete:Pete: 'Hey, is there another one of these coming out? Because I think I saw an ad for it in Urban Butt magazine. They have an excellent word jumble.'

Hazel · Pete:Hazel's plan unravels: Pete is playing an OLD episode on the feed instead of the live show, while Hazel is about to put herself in the cold open.

Pete:Pete defends using Hazel, citing an email from Liz: 'P-Dog, let's use Hazel in the cold open. Don't call me about this. Catch you on the flippy-floppy.'

Pete:Hey, sorry I [am] late, but Treme gets good if you stick with it.

Liz Lemon · Pete:Listen up, jagweeds, it's go time! We are at Defcon 5 here. / The lowest level of defense preparedness? Fantastic.

Pete · Liz Lemon:gut the crew, no more taped pieces, fire Danny, scrap all the sets, and shoot everything on greenscreen.

Pete:Right now, our only advertisers are NBC.com and a German guy who wants to eat somebody. And even Gunter's having doubts.

Pete · Liz Lemon:What am I looking at? / I'm just hair and eyes. It's perfect.

Pete · Liz Lemon:You're the one who wrote— all this says is 'What if the jolly green giant was horny?'

Liz Lemon · Pete · Non-Union Actor:Where's the band? / We can't afford a band... Or a union crew. / So what, we're using scabs? / You're not my girlfriend. You're nobody's girlfriend!

Pete · Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:Why isn't he in costume? / Ladies and gentlemen of the Kabletown board, I quit. / So do I.

Pete:They're replaceable... we can get David Alan Grier and Miss Piggy.

Liz Lemon · Pete · Writers · Subhas:You're doing this for me? / We all are. I quit, Liz. / Me too. / I quit. / Mommy's baby quits. / I actually quit two years ago. / Subhas out. Suck it!