The Problem Solvers

Jack:Lemon, I was in Beijing this weekend, buying a reality show for a network where criminals dance their way to freedom.

Jack · Liz:A Chinese knockoff of your book: 'Dealbreaker: The Book For You Man No Good, by Lesbianyellowsourfruit.'

Liz · Jack:The new cast member is called 'the robot' and Liz says 'I liked him' despite knowing nothing about him — not his real name, what he looks like, or if he can act.

Liz:Liz's 'making a new friend' welcome song she distributed to the staff.

Jack · Liz:Jack asks Liz to dinner and she responds: 'I do, I bought an Activia microwavable panini.'

Jack:Jack: 'Good God, have dinner with me.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy: 'I hope he hates Toofer.' Kenneth: 'I hope he likes janitor hugs.'

Lutz · Writers Room:The entire staff mistakes Lutz for the new guy. Lutz: 'What? No, it's me, Lutz. I've worked here for three years. I gave you that car I won. Come on.'

Jack · Danny:Jack introduces himself as 'Jack Donaghy' and Danny says 'Oh hey, I'm Jack... Baker.' Then Jack immediately renames him Danny.

Liz · Danny:Liz repeats 'Danny' after Jack renames him, immediately complicit. Danny asks 'Did he just change my name?' as they walk away.

Jenna:Danny: 'He looks like all the guys in my magazines.' (Said about the new cast member, revealing something about Jenna's taste)

Danny:Danny: 'Last week I was just a street performer making 50 bucks a day and getting memory loss from all the silver paint fumes, and now I'm... Um...'

Danny:Danny reveals he's Canadian, then immediately launches into an over-the-top hockey/football Canadian stereotype speech: 'All right, hosers, I want all 12 of us fighting for every meter on all three downs! We're gonna make this a Boxing Day the Prime Minister will never forget!'

Liz:Liz's advice to Danny: 'Don't eat prop food. They spray something on it that messes you up.'

Kenneth:Kenneth responds to Danny's lunch order with: 'Yad sdrawkcab tsuj s'ti sseug i, yako.' (dialogue played backwards)

Tracy:Tracy's Superman hypothetical: 'You can have the powers of Superman for an entire year, but you can only have one sexual partner for the rest of your life.'

Pete:Pete's negotiation: 'Two questions: must I live by Superman's moral code, and will the sex woman get older?' Answered yes and yes. 'Forget it. No deal.'

Jack · Jonathan:Jack to his assistant: 'I don't want your sleeve to catch on fire.' Response: 'You know me well, sir. I often know what you're going to do before you do it.'

Jack · Jonathan:Jonathan: 'What am I going to do next?' simultaneously with Jack: 'What am I going to do next?'

Liz:Liz says 'Spit take' out loud as if narrating what she's doing, rather than actually doing a spit take.

Jack · Liz:Jack and Liz simultaneously say 'I knew you would say yes, Lemon' after she agrees to the talk show.

Danny:Danny to Pete: 'Is camera left my left or my right?'

Pete:Pete's advice to Danny: 'Learn as little as you can. 'Cause when you know things, people ask you to do things... That's why when someone comes to me with something I don't want to deal with, I say, 'Oh no, my kid's sick,' and take off.'

Pete · Danny:You have any kids? / No, I mean, I pretty much raised my little sister 'cause my mom— / That must have been hard. / No, my kid is sick.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'When I first got big, I made bad business decisions too. Which is how I got stuck having to plug Wade Boggs' Carpet World five times whenever I appear on screen.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Wade Boggs' Carpet World. Wade Boggs' Carpet World. Wade Boggs' Carpet World.' (three times in rapid succession within advice)

Tracy:Tracy ends his entire advice sequence with: 'Wade Boggs' Carpet World.' — the fifth and final mention.

Tracy:Tracy describes Liz as 'special, like a black stripper with blue eyes.'

Tracy · Kenneth:Tracy announces: 'From now on, I shall call us the Problem Solvers.' Then immediately: 'Yo Ken, do you have a problem that needs solving?'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.'

Jack:Jack demonstrates an arm gesture he's developing for the Dealbreakers talk show. [Visual gag: Jack doing the arm thing]

Jack · Liz:After Liz tells Jack she's 'exploring her options' and signs with an agent, Jack's reaction is a long, icy silence followed by 'I see. Well, if that's how you feel about it.' [pause] 'Good luck in the marketplace.'

Jack:Jack: 'Raise your hand if you're cool with what's happening.' [pause] 'Not too late to raise your hand.'

Liz · Cerie:Cerie to Liz: 'Do I look okay?' 'That's exactly how you look.'

Simon:There she is! The Dealbreaker!

Simon:The agent Simon admits: 'Full disclosure: until now, I've mainly represented dogs, but seeing as how we're both embarking on a new phase in our career — performing, representing humans and monkeys — I want you to know that I'm hungry.'

Simon:Simon says he can get a meeting with Scottie Shofar because 'a former client of mine once buried a bone in his backyard.'

Simon · Liz:Do you know who Scottie Shofar is? / Oh yeah, he's the guy that produces THAT DUMB SPORTS SHOW THAT ALWAYS BEATS US.

Simon:Simon: 'Oh no, I got the hiccups.' [in the middle of a conversation]

Pete · Tracy:Pete and Tracy's advice to Danny: 'Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom. You're an actor now. You're special.'

Danny · Tracy:I don't even know where the bathrooms are around here. / It's not about the room, Danny. It's about the man. Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom. You're an actor now.

Danny:Danny tries to suppress his Canadian accent: 'I'm not aboot to... aboot... abwah... out.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'So what if Kenneth's bitter? He's an underhuman.'

Danny:Danny: 'A couple days ago I was working as a robot for spare change. And now look at me. Kenneth's a page, but who knows? Someday he could be running the network.'

Liz · Kenneth:Liz receives a press clipping: 'Women's Health magazine gave us a D-minus.' Response: 'Son of a bitch!'

Liz · Jack:Jack reveals he announced the Dealbreakers talk show without Liz: 'Liz: What the what, Jack?' Jack: 'Dealbreakers is a sketch that first appeared on this network — we own it. And we're doing it whether or not you're involved.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Of course not [we can't replace you]. We can do better. I've already spoken to Padma Lakshmi.' Liz: 'Then who's gonna host Top Chef?' Jack: 'You are ruining my life!'

Danny · Kenneth:Danny: 'Ken, you don't want to be a page forever.' Kenneth: 'Who said I've been alive forever?' Danny: 'What? No, I mean... What?'

Danny · Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Well, I guess so [Danny could someday be his boss].' Danny: 'No! I'll brush my own teeth!'

Jack:Jack's life advice to Danny: 'Never do business with a friend. Never be friends with a woman. And lose the leather bracelet.'

Pete:Pete: 'Oh, my kid got hit by a car!' [runs away from Liz's problem]

Danny · Pete:Pete, I have a problem. I need your help. / Oh, my kid got hit by a car! [cuts to Pete running away]

Jack:Jack describes himself to Tracy and Pete as 'business jack' who 'does not play gentle,' and asks: 'Are you as turned on as I am right now?'

Jack:Jack: 'She can either be crushed by me, or she can suck in her stomach and crawl back through the tiny crack I've left for her in the proverbial door.'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy and Pete realize their Problem Solvers T-shirts have each other's names on them and debate: 'Do you want to switch where we're standing, or switch our T-shirts?' 'Just to be safe, let's do both.'

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'You're not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.' [after Pete relays Jack's message awkwardly]

Liz:Liz: 'I haven't even begun to problem.' [responding to 'so problem solved?']

Simon · Jack:Simon: 'Yeah, I've seen some bras.' [in response to Jack: 'We're both men of the world']

Jack:Jack: 'NBC employs 80% of your agency's clients, between Are You Stronger Than a Dog and I'm a Celebrity Dog: Get Me Out Arf Here.'

Jack:NBC employs 80% of your agency's clients, between 'Are You Stronger Than a Dog' and 'I'm a Celebrity Dog: Get Me Out Arf Here.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'God, Jack, why are you being such a wang about this?' Jack: 'I'll take that as a compliment. An Wang, the founder of Wang Computers, is one of the greatest businessmen of the 20th century. And you're the one being a lowercase wang, Lemon.'

Liz:Liz: 'That's a bathroom?' [reacting to Jack's revelation that a door that looks like part of the wall leads to his private bathroom]

Liz · Simon:Liz: 'I got all kinds of meetings lined up. Big meetings. With who?' [realizes she has no meetings, turns to Simon] 'Damn it, Simon!'

Tracy · Liz:He's in love with me? / What? No. He burned me on dealbreakers.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Nah, introducing you to Scottie probably wouldn't solve your problems with Jack.' Liz: 'Jack who? Set it up.'

Tracy:Pete: 'All white people look the same to me.' (said by Tracy, about not knowing what Scottie Shofar looks like)

Jenna:Jenna: 'Scottie Shofar was my assistant on Trivial Pursuit: The Movie. I was horrible to him. And now he's actually successful? What if I got called in to audition for him and he recognized me, even with all the changes to my face? That have happened naturally.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Because the future is like a Japanese game show — you have no idea what's going on.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth tells Jenna her Mexican diet pills arrived and offers to test them first. Jenna: 'No, Kenneth. I'll do it myself. You don't have to do anything for me anymore. Ever.'

Kenneth:Kenneth frantically practicing 'about' in the hallway: 'We're aboot to get married. Oh no, that's not right. Abhah. Obot.'

Kenneth · Danny:Kenneth confronts Danny: 'You've poisoned Mr. Jordan's and Miss Maroney's minds. You've got to tell them to go back to the way it was. To let me help everyone again. Including you.' Danny: 'Kenneth, I don't.' Kenneth: 'Yes, you do. Because you're scared.'

Danny · Kenneth:Danny's insult tirade against Kenneth: 'You know, of all the weirdos I've met around here, you're the worst! With your creepy Don Knotts face, that ridiculous Hitler Youth haircut...' Kenneth: 'Excellent. What about my chin?' 'I've seen bigger chins on a premature baby!'

Kenneth · Danny:Excellent. What about my chin? / I've seen bigger chins on a premature baby!

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Mr. Baker, you've just made me feel terrible. And said the word 'about' correctly. Congratulations. You're an actor.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'That was aboot the coolest thing I've ever seen.' [having watched Kenneth's coaching session]

Scottie · Tracy:Tracy starts the Superman hypothetical again. Scottie Shofar interrupts: 'Superman? I've done hot yoga with Tom Welling and Dean Cain, and I don't think they're right for this.'

Scottie:Scottie Shofar's phone call aside: 'What's up? Nothin', just meeting with this dealbreakers lady. I don't know. Regular, six. Drunk, seven.'

Liz:Liz: 'I'm blowing up. It's Rahm Emanuel. He wants me to go to Deer Valley. I am crushing it!'

Jack · Liz:Jack invents a new product: 'I invented this new bag that you put around a sandwich to keep it fresh. But it's clear, so you still get the full visual of the sandwich.' Liz: 'So it's a sandwich bag?' Jack: 'No, Jack, it's a new thing that I invented.'

Scottie:Scottie/Jack is on another phone call: 'It's Brooke Hogan. What's up, you tall drink of bitch! You're amazing. No, seriously. Amazing.'

Padma:Padma Lakshmi pitching herself as Dealbreakers host: 'Men always tell me I'm very funny. Have you heard this one? Knock-knock.' [long pause, no response]

Padma:Padma: 'My clothes wouldn't have food stains all over them. I could actually find a balance between my work and being a mommy.'

Jack:Jack: 'It would. It would change your life.' [long pause, looking at Padma] 'I don't want to change your life. I want to change Lemon's life. I'm sorry. Go. Go.'

Padma · Jack:Uhh, this business is so hard! / Not really. I'm kidding. Go. Go.

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'I was wrong. It's you. It's always been you.' Jack: 'I want to do business with you, Lemon.'

Tracy · Pete:The Problem Solvers' infomercial: 'Do you have a problem? Then call the Problem Solvers. Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawlspace? Term paper blues? Migrating implants? Call the Problem Solvers. 'Cause after all, what's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'That was a good rehearsal. Now let's record it.' [after what was clearly being filmed]