Secrets And Lies

Jack:Jack sends his assistant to a nonexistent Italian bakery in Queens to get him out of the way

Kenneth:Kenneth's assistant arrives panicked: 'This is the address he gave me. He never makes mistakes. I can't go back there without sfogliatelle!'

C.C. · Jack:C.C.'s name tag: 'Lakeesha Gutierrez-Arafat'

Jack · C.C. · Liz:Take off your pants suit. / Right back at you. / Oh! Workplace!

Liz · C.C.:Liz: 'I like your necklace.' C.C.: 'It's actually a rape whistle but the whistle part fell off, and I just liked how it looked so I kept it.'

Liz:Liz says 'It' meaning business: 'I call the movie Risky Business, Risky It, because 'it' means business.'

Liz:Liz says 'Lemon out' as she exits — as if signing off from a radio broadcast

Pete · Toofer:Pete to Toofer: 'Hey, take that off. You didn't go to Harvard.' Toofer: 'I went to Harvard.'

Frank · Pete:Frank: 'Well, I got a squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk bed, so I think I got the full Harvard experience.' Pete: 'That does sound pretty accurate.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'That woman you met this morning in my office is not a colleague of mine. We are lovers.' Liz: 'Oh, that word bums me out unless it's between the words meat and pizza.'

Jack:Jack: 'Okay, if I can't say lovers, you can't say feelings.'

Jack:This corporation has a very strict 'bros before hos' policy.

Liz:Liz: 'Oh, come on! I don't have that. Very hairy.'

Jenna:Jenna wins 'Best Actress in a Movie Based on a Musical Based on a Movie'

Tracy:Tracy storms in: 'Okay, enough! How long are we going to talk about this stupid award? We have more important things to worry about. Like where are the french fries I did not ask for? You guys need to anticipate me.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'It's not fair, Liz Lemon. Everybody wins awards but me. Even Shaquille O'Neal got a Kids' Choice Award for that animated movie we did.'

Tracy · Shaq:Cutaway to animated Shaq movie clip: 'Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.' 'It'll be a slam dunk!'

Tracy:Non-sequitur line from animated movie: 'Would you call what we did last night sex?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and nothing. I never win anything!'

Tracy:Tracy holds up a coffee mug his kids got him for Father's Day that says 'I'm a failure'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim. I spent nine months in Japan shooting Samurai, I-Am-Urai.'

Tracy:Tracy explains 'sharking' — running up on a lady and pulling her tube top down while a friend videotapes. 'It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.'

Liz · Pete:Liz to Pete: 'He's fine. I just need you to make him a Pacific Rim Emmy.' Pete: 'Props has an old basketball trophy we could solder some wings onto.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'I don't get that kind of treatment.' Liz: 'I don't have to treat you that way because you're the sane one. You're my rock.' Jenna: 'It is amazing how grounded I've been able to stay despite my célébrité.'

Frank:Frank walks up to Toofer with a Harvard sweatshirt on: 'What's up, dude? I went to Harvard.'

Jenna:It is amazing how grounded I've been able to stay despite my célébrité.

Toofer · Pete · Frank:Toofer produces the Signet Society pin, Pete produces the same pin from his pocket, Toofer says 'Oh, you mean this pin?' — and Pete points out 'Your lame thing is on his pants.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Perfect. Just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentlemen's barge.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon know who keeps the lights on around here. But I couldn't do it without my background players.'

Tracy:Tracy offers to let Liz and Josh 'hold' his award, then says 'Then you can check out my award. Ha ha ha! Banter!'

Jenna:Jenna says 'I can't even get a real exterminator to get that squirrel out of my dressing room.' — followed immediately by the sound of squirrel chaos

Jack · C.C.:Jack to C.C. about the dinner guest list: 'We had to eliminate anybody with any influence or connections or stature, so that pretty much left you. Then we added Kenneth so you would have somebody to talk to.'

Kenneth:Kenneth awkwardly tries to make conversation with Liz: 'What's your favorite pizza topping? Mine's plain, but I like others.'

Jack:Jack to Liz, completely sincerely: 'I have to say, you are the most beautiful woman in this room right now.'

Kenneth:Kenneth asks Liz: 'Tell me a painful story about your teenage years.'

Tracy:Tracy opens his acceptance speech: 'People of the Pacific Rim, how you feel?'

Tracy:Tracy thanks 'a very special blond lady — Shelley Long, you're truly an inspiration to me!'

Tracy:Karaoke, karate, and most of all... wanizame atakku! / Shark attack!

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'How could Tracy not thank me? I drag myself out of bed at 4:00 in the morning, go home, get dressed, come in here, and he doesn't even mention my name?' Liz: 'Jenna, the whole thing is fake.' Jenna: 'Yeah, but he thought it was real.'

Liz:Liz: 'I did hear the janitor saying your boobs looked good.'

Jenna:The squirrel reappears in Jenna's dressing room: 'Aah! The squirrel! It's not afraid of people!'

C.C. · Liz:C.C. and Liz play a game where they apparently finish each other's celebrity references without speaking. 'Venus Williams.' 'Remember that time you fell asleep?' 'Captain Beefheart.'

C.C. · Liz · Kenneth:The Charades game at the dinner party: 'This is not a character from a television program.' 'Okay. This is not a character from the Bible.' 'Uh, pass.' 'You can't pass, you hillbilly!'

C.C. · Liz:C.C. slaps Liz: 'No. I'm sorry. I don't normally slap people.'

C.C. · Liz:In C.C. and Liz's conversation, out of nowhere: 'I'm-a the plumber. I'm here-a to fix the washing machine.' 'Come right in, Mr. Spunatelli.'

Liz:Liz: 'I don't think you want to take advice from me. I ate a 3 Musketeers bar for breakfast this morning, and this bra is held together with tape.'

Liz · C.C.:C.C. and Liz simultaneously: 'Me either.' Then Liz: 'Oh God, it was my birthday yesterday.'

Frank · Writer:Hey, guys, it's me... Frank. / Oh, no. Escalation!

Frank · Toofer:Frank's mom is invoked in the hat insult; Frank defends her: 'My mom's a great lady.' Toofer: 'Was it her greatness that made your dad leave?'

Frank:Frank: 'He didn't leave. He's a submarine commander running silent.'

Jack:Jack: '$5 million each? That's NBA sexual-assault money.'

Jack:Jack: 'I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.'

C.C.:C.C.: 'I should never have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together.' — calling back Liz's earlier confession

Jenna · Sacha:Jenna has acquired an entourage: 'I'm Sacha. This is Patrice and Master Alexei.' ...and then 'And your name is probably something like Melissa.'

Sacha:Sacha (entourage member): 'Oh, Melissa? Your face is on the phone. Soccer practice is over and you need to pick it up.'

Liz:Liz, grudgingly: 'All right, that's a pretty good burn, Patrice.'

Jack · James Carville:Jack and C.C. spot James Carville in the elevator. Jack asks: 'How do you and Mary Matalin make it work? She's a brilliant, patriotic Republican strategist, and you, let's face it, are a pinko nutjob.'

James Carville:James Carville: 'Mary and I have proved that true love can weather any storm. Even Desert Storm.' — 'Cajun style.'

James Carville:'Cajun style' repeated three times as Carville's punctuation throughout the advice scene

James Carville:Carville: 'Jack, is it really the opinion of others you're worried about, or are you learning something new about yourself and you find that a little scary?' — beat — 'Cajun style.'

Frank · Toofer:Frank/Toofer feud: 'If we give up our feud now, we'll be ridiculed. Remember when Lutz cried during that diamond commercial? It'd be worse than that.'

James Carville:Carville advises Frank/Toofer: 'You need to change the story, like Karl Rove did in the last election when he made it about gay folks and swift boats. What's your swift boat?' — then: 'You didn't hear this from me, but Josh is starting to do something new with his hair.'

James Carville · Liz:Carville tries to steal candy from a vending machine; Liz watches. Carville: 'Let me show you how it's done. Cajun style.'

Tracy:Tracy to Liz: 'I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up if Andy Dick calls.'

Liz:Liz reveals she secretly runs Jenna's fan club as a punishment for a writer: 'That's me. I made Frank set that up as a punishment after he farted in my chair.'

Liz:Liz describes secretly calling in to Jenna's morning radio show as all the callers: 'every caller was me. I am loving all of your characters. Thanks for calling, Sanjay. I really believe in Karma.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'And this award you just got? It's a cookie.' Jenna: 'Ooh, crunch!'

Liz:Liz's monologue: 'I don't sleep, I don't eat right, thanks to you and Tracy Jordan. Mostly you.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Oh, Liz. That's all I wanted to hear. I'll be onstage in 10.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'And I'll wait till tomorrow to talk about you firing melon-ball lady.' Liz: 'All right.' Jenna: 'Not in front of the gays.'

Frank · Toofer · Josh:Frank and Toofer's feud is resolved because Josh got a frohawk: 'Hey, look who bailed on their lame feud.' — beat — 'Dude, you got a frohawk, man. Do you think you're better than us?'

Josh · Frank · Toofer:Josh: 'It's not even my normal barber. My mom did it.' The writers: 'Dr. Haircut!'

C.C. · Jack:C.C. uses the John Legend CD as a pretense to see Jack: 'I don't know why it was so urgent you have it before noon.' C.C.: 'It was just an excuse.'

C.C.:C.C.: 'I'm 43, and you have great hair. I can let this play out a little longer.'

Jack:Jack: 'C.C., these people are my peers, my heroes, my past and future Secret Santas.'

Jack:Jack's public announcement: 'She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama. My groovy chick. My old lady. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog.'

Executive 1:First executive, unprompted, stands up: 'I gave to NPR last year.'

Executive 2:Second executive: 'My children go to public school.'

Executive 2:Second executive confession: 'My children go to public school.'

Executive 3 · Executive 4:Third executive: 'I'm gay.' Fourth executive: 'I'm black.'

C.C.:And I just want you to know that, in 1984, I voted for Ronald Reagan.

Executive 5:Final executive stands up last: 'I murdered my wife.'