Jack and Liz make a visit to a colorful businessman named Gavin Volure, who has a confidential business proposal...and has fallen in love with Liz. Meanwhile, Tracy is afraid that his kids may have figured out an evil plot against him.
75 jokes in 22 minutes makes this 30 Rock's densest episode yet.
Directed by Gail Mancuso · Written by John Riggi
WAR
160.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Gavin Volure” ranks #4 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 100.0 — Elite. The episode packs 89 scored jokes at 4.1 per minute, averaging 7.9 on craft and 7.7 on impact, with Gavin Volure landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Kenneth Parcell: Well, that would be great if pigs weren't excellent swimmers.
Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: I'd be lying if I told you I never danced with a broom. / That's nothing, sometimes, to feel like I have company during dinner, I dispute credit card charges on speaker phone.
Kenneth Parcell: We Parcells have eaten our share of rock soup and squirrel tail. But we've also known lean times.
Liz Lemon: And he's not a germaphobe! I thought I was helping him when I let him hold my boob while we watched Top Chef.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: We can never leave the house, and we'd just probably sit around all weekend and watch TV. / Go on. / There's not much else to do but eat, read celebrity gossip on the internet, and nap the day away. / Really? / And unfortunately, because of my phobias, we could never be physically intimate.
All Jokes — 89 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Liz Lemon: I'm in connecticut, i haven't eaten, and i'm stressed about an 'away toilet' situation.
Jack Donaghy: He was the first man to be on the cover of Fortune and Jet magazine at the same time. Of course, that was back when Jet was actually about jet ownership.
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: That magazine took a weird turn. / These are not chips.
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon · Gavin Volure: They say he hasn't left his home in almost three years. / Well, I hope he shows up for dinner. / He's already here.
Gavin Volure: Because of my severe agoraphobia and my debilitating wealth...
Gavin Volure · Unknown Guest: The world of fashion, society, art collecting and yelling — Why isn't there any good art in here? Come on!
Unknown Guest · Gavin Volure: What if the Germans had won the war, Lemon? / Business and historical fiction.
Liz Lemon: Funny story, I was only wearing that because the fire alarm went off while I was getting a haircut.
Gavin Volure: I keep one chair empty to represent our unfulfilled hopes and dreams. / I'm just kidding, Eliot Spitzer's hooker couldn't make it.
McEnroe (unnamed party guest): 77th and Amsterdam, 68th and Columbus, 125th and President Clinton Boulevard. Also don't overthink it, Sara Lee, frozen, unbelievable.
McEnroe (party guest): Also, don't overthink it, Sara Lee, frozen, unbelievable.
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell · Tracy's Sons: You know my two sons, Tracy Jr. and George Foreman? They've been acting really weird lately. / Where you going? / Nowhere.
Tracy Jordan: Those two have never paid me any attention. And rightly so. I'm a strange man who can't be taken seriously.
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell: Look what the little one made me. / Aw, that's cute. / This is voodoo, Ken!
Kenneth Parcell: I know I was a handful when my family moved from our farmhouse to that militia camp in the woods.
Tracy Jordan: The life-sized Tracy Jordan sex doll. They're selling like hotcakes in Japan.
Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan: Well, you know what they say, money is the root of all evil. / I thought that was just a tagline for my movie, Death Bank.
Jack Donaghy: It's like Picasso not painting, or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.
Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: Wind power, bandwidth, Chinese market. / Oh, god.
Jack Donaghy: This is the most exciting day of my life. And I was pulled onstage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Jack Donaghy: Just think, this time next year, you'll be so rich you can run for political office without having to pretend to be a fundamentalist.
Gavin Volure · Carl (U.S. Marshal): Because my agoraphobia-related germ issues prevent direct human contact, I wonder if Carl here might say good night to you for me? Carl? / Good night, Liz. I hope to see you again soon.
Liz Lemon: Terrorist attacks, Cloverfield monsters. I can't do it, because my head is too big for the helmet.
Unknown TGS Writer · Liz Lemon: No, but you have a big head. / That's not a burn, I just said that.
Liz Lemon · Cerie: Cerie, is my phone ringing? / It is. Wow, you have, like, dog ears. / So are you going to... Okay.
Liz Lemon · Gavin Volure: Well... This must be what the kids call 'a booty call.' / I haven't been out of the house since 2004, and even I know the kids don't call it that anymore.
Gavin Volure: I'll send a helicopter to take you to the train station.
Tracy Jordan: Tracy watching the Menendez Brothers documentary and slowly realizing his sons might kill him for his money.
Kenneth Parcell: I just don't let myself read the t-shirts with off-color slogans.
Jack Donaghy: I know we pay you a living wage, I fought against it.
Kenneth Parcell: After years of inbreeding, the pigs are getting violent. And the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
Kenneth Parcell · Jack Donaghy: If you don't include Confederate money? / 4000.
Jack Donaghy: After I invest this money, you'll be able to buy your folks a pig moat.
Kenneth Parcell: Well, that would be great if pigs weren't excellent swimmers.
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: I thought he might. He asked if we were involved, I said you used to have a thing for me, but you were getting over it. / That is what's happening, right?
Liz Lemon: All the nodding and smiling and sibling listing. And what's the upside? It works and you have to have a bunch of sex?
Liz Lemon: No, I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in, when you really don't have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: If I were dating a man, he would be the top of my list with Michael Jordan, Denzel Washington, Taye Diggs... God, do I have a Black thing?
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, you're going to go to Gavin's, and you're going to work this thing like a Chinese gymnast. Wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.
Tracy Jordan's Son · Tracy Jordan: Daddy's home. / Don't Menendez me.
Tracy Jordan's Sons: We made the hockey team.
Gavin Volure: One of these benches is a priceless work of art, and the other is an ordinary bench from which to admire it. Which one's which?
Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: I'd be lying if I told you I never danced with a broom. / That's nothing, sometimes, to feel like I have company during dinner, I dispute credit card charges on speaker phone.
Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: We can never leave the house, and we'd just probably sit around all weekend and watch TV. / Go on. / There's not much else to do but eat, read celebrity gossip on the internet, and nap the day away. / Really? / And unfortunately, because of my phobias, we could never be physically intimate.
Jack Donaghy: Kenneth, I'm very proud of you. Next stop, home ownership. / I'm just kidding. The middle class is dying, you'll be renting forever.
Walter (Broker): You'd have been better off putting that money in a coffee can.
Kenneth Parcell: Hi, Walter. This is Kenneth Parcell, NBC page program. What's the status of MY investment?
Gavin Volure: Yeah. They can't seem to get anything right up there, can they?
Gavin Volure: Look, Liz, I've decided I can trust you, so I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm not really an eccentric agoraphobe. I just tell people that so they won't know I'm under house arrest for tax fraud. / And arson.
Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: I thought Derek was upstairs. / I miscounted the men, Liz! I miscounted the men!
Jack Donaghy: Also that joke answering machine message makes me really think you've picked up, so I start talking, and then it beeps, and, uh, I feel like a fool.
Liz Lemon: And he's not a germaphobe! I thought I was helping him when I let him hold my boob while we watched Top Chef.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy: I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey in an Irish wake.
Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan: Tracy, get out of the hallway. / Or am I? / Oh god, this dream again? / That's not me. That's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.
Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan: Other than the natural inclination to make love to yourself, why did you get this? / To use as a decoy. So my greedy children will murder it, and I'll be able to escape un-Mendezed.
Tracy Jordan: The parallels between the Jordans and the Mendezis are uncanny. Both families are rich, both families have two sons, and both families are staples of Court TV.
Gavin Volure: Sorry, Jack, but I needed that money for my escape. And it's all gone. I spent it on disguises.
Gavin Volure: You watch our commercials, we never actually say what we did. / INNOVATION / TOMORROW / AMERICA / SUNSTREAM
Gavin Volure · Glenn: I share with three other white collar criminals. / Hey, Glenn, that's my peanut butter. / Creamy? This is — this is not my peanut — I'm sorry, Glenn.
Jack Donaghy: Damn it. I have got a serious case of the Mondays.
Jack Donaghy · Gavin Volure: We trusted you, Gavin. / I know, good point. / And you betrayed us. / Wow, that's wonderful news.
Gavin Volure: God, these acoustics in here are fantastic. / Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow / It's only a day away.
Jack Donaghy: Well, what would this country be if our economy didn't allow wealthy people to take advantage of rubes?
Kenneth Parcell: We Parcells have eaten our share of rock soup and squirrel tail. But we've also known lean times.
Liz Lemon · Kenneth Parcell: I need someone to be our floor emergency marshal. / And you came to me first? Thank you, sir!
Kenneth Parcell · Pete Hornberger: Doesn't that responsibility come with a $4,000 signing bonus? / Uh... Yes? / Oh, right, I remember that meeting. Where you also said I would get a per diem for gas. / Yes, yes, um... 12 cents a mile. / YES! HORNBERGER!
Tracy Jordan's Son · Tracy Jordan: Daddy? / It begins.
Tracy: Daddy? ... It begins.
Tracy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Tracy Jordan's Son · Tracy Jordan: I dreamed that you would get so rich that you would leave us and get a new family. And never come back. And daddy... I don't want you to leave us. 'Cause I love you. I love you so much. / I love you too, son! / Stop it. Stop patriciding!
Tracy Jordan: It's me. There's nothing to be freaked out about. That's just some Japanese sex doll in daddy's bed. Now, you listen. You don't have to ever worry about me leaving. 'Cause I'll always be there to take care of you. And there's something else. If anything ever happens to me, you and your brother are going to go to jail.
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon: Also everything worked out with Jenna's dad visiting. / What? / Oh, you weren't really around for any of that.
Gavin Volure · Liz Lemon: Cheap cholesterol medicine from Canada. A Paris Hilton film released only in Canada. Camp of Approval? What does that even mean?
Gavin Volure: Toronto was just like New York, but without all the stuff.
Jack Donaghy: I thought by now you'd be some place that U.S. law couldn't touch you, like Bali or Utah.
Jack Donaghy: You've already done enough damage, taking advantage of her loneliness and her Big Ben-sized biological clock.
Jack Donaghy · Gavin Volure: It's over, Volure. Give me the brush. / You stay back. I swear I will paint you. / I am not going to real prison.
Jack: I can't believe I'm saying this to the great Gavin Volure, but Liz Lemon is too good for you.
Jack Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gavin Volure: I've lost everything. I'm financially ruined, I've lost Liz. That paint is drying weird, and now prison?
Kenneth Parcell: All right, everyone, I'm in charge. Does anyone need water or saltines?
Unknown Bystander: I would feel safer with some saltines.
Gavin Volure: Glenn ate all my peanut butter.
Jack Donaghy: Gavin, I'm not going to lie to you, you'll probably be killed in the first six months of prison. But that's neither here nor there.
Jack Donaghy · Gavin Volure: Yes, you have to pay for the things you've done. / You're not making sense anymore.
Jack Donaghy · Tracy Jordan · Sex Doll: Now, Tracy! / What? But you're down there. / Or am I?
Jack Donaghy: Good job, sex doll.
Liz Lemon: He miscounted the men.
Liz Lemon Callback Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy Jordan: You know, a lot of people look down on sex dolls. But as we saw tonight, they save lives and bring families together.
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy Jordan Sex Doll: How am I such an expert? I'm Tracy Jordan's sex doll.
