Ludachristmas

Jack:The photo scanner/paper shredder has the switch labeled 'PS' for photo-scan and then trails off implying 'PS' could also mean paper-shred — Jack realizes the fatal design flaw mid-explanation

Frank:Frank's preemptive apology for Ludachristmas party behavior, ending with 'I forgive all of you in advance for leaving me passed out by the elevator in my own gravy.'

Jenna · Frank:Jenna recalling sitting on Frank's lap during 'Horny Santa' last year: 'That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap.' Frank replies: 'Yes. Funny.'

Liz · Jack:Liz says her family hasn't fought since 'the gas crisis of '79' and 'since Carter left office, it's been pretty smooth sailing.' Jack's reply: 'You got that right.'

Jack:Jack invited his mother 'out of paralyzing Irish guilt' but her plane was grounded by 'Hurricane Zapato' — 'Ha! Look at that. That's where she lives. Jupiter. The eye of the storm.'

Jack · Jonathan:Jack's phone plays 'Jingle Bells' — he tries to dismiss the caller by saying 'Tell her I'm...' but then recognizes it's his mother calling

Colleen · Jack:Colleen walks into Jack's office and immediately says 'Isn't this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion.' Then: 'Only two? I don't like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.'

Colleen · Jack · Liz:Colleen listens to Jack's voicemail from C.C. and asks 'Is she Spanish?' When Jack asks 'What if she was, Mother?', Colleen replies 'My thanks to the peanut gallery.'

Colleen:Colleen to Jack: 'this coat isn't gonna take itself off'

Tracy:Tracy worries about missing Ludachristmas, 'Nude Year's Eve,' and 'Martin Luther King Day' — 'All you do is drink!'

Liz · Mitch:Liz explains Mitch's 'trauma-induced niveaphobia' — he's stuck in the day before his ski accident — cut to Mitch excitedly saying 'Oh, tomorrow's the big day! It's gonna be totally rad!'

Liz · Pete:After explaining Mitch thinks it's 1985, Liz adds: 'It should be mentioned that, sexually, Mitch is very much an adult.' / 'No, it should not be mentioned.'

Employee:Employee receives the PS575 photo shredder as a Christmas gift and calls it 'not the Christmas spirit'

Jack:Jack's description of Christmas: 'Sitting with friends and family around a crackling fire, waiting for the owl meat to cook.'

Jack:Jack follows the owl meat line by saying 'Sometimes I don't think you people understand Christmas at all.'

Unknown Woman:A woman arrives at the party saying 'I'm here to have Christmas meats eaten off my chest at some party?'

Tracy:Tracey was supposed to just sign community service papers but made them stop for breakfast first — 'So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York State? That's on me now?'

Tracy:Tracy lists the holidays he'll miss drinking for: 'Ludachristmas? Nude Year's Eve? Martin Luther King Day?' — 'All you do is drink!'

Pete · Unknown:Liz says no to Tracy going to Ludachristmas; Pete assigns Grizz, Dot Com, and Kenneth to keep him sober. Someone asks: 'Okay. But who's project manager?'

Liz:Liz clarifies the food she's eating is not for her — she's sending it to her mother's hotel room 'because the room service there is too salty.'

Dick Lemon:Dick Lemon introduces himself as Liz's father: 'Lemon party! Permission to land?'

Mitch:Mitch immediately invites Liz skiing tomorrow at Piper's Peak: 'It's gonna be rad. Psych! You can't go! It's the senior class trip!' — frozen in time, still doing 1985 teenage pranks on his adult sister

Dick Lemon · Jack:Dick Lemon asks Jack if Liz is 'the best employee you've ever had or what?' — beat — Jack simply replies: 'No.'

Dick Lemon:After Jack's 'No,' Dick responds: 'I like this guy's honesty.'

Dick Lemon:Dick calls Liz 'Wilma Shakespeare' — an affectionate but utterly incompatible mashup of a Flintstones character and the Bard

Mitch:Mitch excitedly tells Liz that Chris Stanek is going skiing with him — then immediately: 'I don't like him! Boys are gross!' — delivering it in the voice of teenage Liz

Mitch · Liz:Mitch mentions Chris Stanek got divorced — Liz immediately perks up: 'When? Is he dating again?'

Jack · Liz:Jack tells Liz her family is 'strange' — not because of Mitch's condition, which he accepts immediately — but because her parents seem 'supersupportive.' 'Was she taunting you?'

Liz · Young Liz:Flashback to young Liz playing football: 'Even when I sued the Lower White Haven School District to let girls play football.' — Cut to: Young Liz in uniform yelling 'Hut! Yeah! Feminism!'

Tracy:Tracy's talking head about holidays without drinking: 'Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I thought she was, and I cannot play the guitar.'

Kenneth:Kenneth tells Tracy he was 'pretty addicted to coke back in my Wall Street days' — then offers this as experience that qualifies him to help.

Kenneth:Kenneth tries to organize a party game: 'Murder! First, everybody takes a slip of paper out of a hat. One person's slip says murderer, another says inspector. Then everyone puts their head down. Except the murderer... He's the inspector. No, that's not right.'

Colleen:Colleen complains about the hotel: 'The TV had over 100 channels, for God's sakes. I'm only gonna be here for three days!'

Colleen · Jack:Colleen inspects the bathroom Jack points her to: 'Well, that is close, isn't it?' — implying the bathroom proximity is alarming, then 'Yeah, I'll be right out.' from inside the bathroom before he can respond.

Jack:After Colleen enters the bathroom, Jack says quietly to himself: 'She should have been there.' — referring to C.C.'s absence

Margaret Lemon · Jack:The Lemons visit Jack's office; Margaret says 'Oh, your mother must be so proud of you!' — implying Colleen is capable of such a thing

Jack · Dick Lemon · Margaret Lemon:Jack about C.C.: 'She is a congresswoman.' Lemons: 'Oh, my goodness! Congresswoman!' / Jack: 'And she does have her own Lifetime movie.' / 'Lifetime! Wowzers!'

Jack:Jack cuts through the Lemons' cheerfulness: 'Why don't we cut the charade and you two tell me what exactly it is you want from me?'

Kenneth:Kenneth rehearses his band, trying various keyboard positions — 'Open Pit barbecue sauce? Yes. This is the sweet spot.' — and telling Alfonso 'no chitchat between songs this year. People don't watch Letterman for Paul Shaffer.'

Mitch · Jenna:Mitch mistakes Jenna for a friend of his mother's: 'Are you, like, a friend of my mom's or something? I mean, I'll tell her you said hi.'

Pete:"And no chitchat between songs this year. People don't watch Letterman for Paul Shaffer."

Mitch:Mitch tells Jenna he's 'kind of like the George Michael of my school' while implicitly flirting

Jenna · Mitch:Jenna invites Mitch to 'do something together next week' — Mitch immediately: 'My parents are away next week. You should come over. I'll be in the hot tub.'

Pete:Pete's reaction to the Mitch/Jenna situation: 'That's a filthy Christmas miracle.'

Tracy:Tracy suggests cutting off his own foot to get around the ankle bracelet: 'Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot, and drink all I want!'

Dick Lemon · Jack:Jack laces up his ice skates; Dick Lemon says 'Jack, you laced those up like a professional.' Jack replies: 'Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?'

Jack:Jack insists he doesn't need the Lemons' positive reinforcement: 'In my case, they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally, and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.'

Jack · Dick Lemon:Jack says 'You wish you were in my family' to Liz — then immediately pivots to asking about the Disney cruise: 'So this Disney cruise in March. Are you in or out?'

Jack:"I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin."

Colleen:Colleen calls the Lemons out over the phone: 'Let's all meet down at the soda shop while this country turns into Mexico.'

Jack · Colleen:Jack tells Colleen: 'Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.'

Colleen:Colleen's response to 'terrorist cells are more nurturing': 'Be careful. I'll cry.'

Colleen:Colleen wagers she can break the Lemon family in 10 minutes: 'You give me 10 minutes with the Lemon family, and I'll have them tearing at each other like drag queens at a wig sale.'

Jack:Jack's speech about the NBC Christmas tree: 'That is not a Christmas tree. It's a way to lure tourists into the basement to buy $20 salads.'

Unknown:Jack's Christmas circle culminates in someone screaming: 'Aaaaaaaaah!' as their answer to what Christmas means to them

Margaret Lemon:At the restaurant, Margaret Lemon debates the menu: 'I am gonna have the fried onion tower for two... for one!'

Colleen:Colleen asks about grandchildren: 'Any grandchildren? Aw. What a shame. Must eat you up inside.'

Jack:Jack to Colleen: 'See, Mother? Not all species eat their young.' — then immediately: 'Let's change the subject. Politics.'

Dick Lemon · Jack:Lemons say they don't discuss politics: 'Life is too short.' Jack's response: 'Because your life seems endless.'

Frank:Frank's speech about Christmas: 'It's about getting drunk and hugging your cousin until your mom says, Frank, enough.'

Unknown:Reverend Gary's Guatemala mission video apparently features toplessness — someone asks: 'Is this a culture where toplessness is common?'

Multiple:The Guatemala video inspires the entire party to collectively vow to donate their Christmas money, tell their families they want no presents, and volunteer at soup kitchens — then someone suggests chopping down the big NBC Christmas tree. The mob builds to: 'Chop it down! Yeah!'

Dick Lemon · Liz:Colleen reveals to Liz that the Lemon parents skipped her football game — Dick says 'We were a little embarrassed, Liz.'

Dick Lemon:Dick Lemon, upset that Liz is challenging his football embarrassment: 'It's White Haven football for God's sakes, Elizabeth! It means something! I wore that uniform!'

Margaret Lemon · Liz:Margaret snaps at Liz: 'Are you taking a stand now by not giving us grandchildren?' — then the grandchildren argument reveals Mitch is 40.

Mitch:Mitch, hearing he's actually 40, suddenly remembers: 'Oh, my God. The accident. I hit the tree! No, don't remember. Oh, I'm so old!'

Colleen:Colleen to Liz: 'Thank you, Elizabeth Lemon! You are so self-centered, young lady! You didn't even offer to pay for this dinner. I'm on a fixed income!'

Jack:The bartender slides a drink to Jack, who quietly says: 'Bingo.'

Liz · Jack:Liz protests the Reverend Gary situation: 'This is not what I meant!' Jack: 'Yes, it is!'

Reverend Gary:Reverend Gary admits at the end of his speech: 'I had a couple of drinks before the meeting.' — someone catches him with a flask.

Kenneth:Kenneth singing 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' to the chaotic, drunk party as everything falls apart around him

Margaret Lemon · Dick Lemon:The family dinner devolves: Margaret screams 'You know why I stay with you, Dick?!' / Dick: 'Yes, I do know.' / Margaret: 'Because I have nothing to give another man!' / Dick: ''Cause you have no income of your own.'

Jack · Colleen · Dick Lemon · Margaret Lemon · Mitch:The Lemon family Christmas dinner descends: Margaret and Dick clearly fighting while Mitch has his crisis; 'Could I have another drink? / Bingo' — structural joke of Jack confirming family dysfunction

Margaret Lemon:Margaret: 'I could have been drinking these for years!' — apparently referring to cocktails she's now enjoying

Dick Lemon:Dick Lemon shouts: 'Explain to me again how gay marriage is gonna tear this country apart!'

Jack · Colleen:Merry Christmas scene — Jack says 'Merry Christmas, Mother.' Colleen: 'Merry Christmas, Jackie. Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse.' / Jack: 'I hate cats.' / Colleen: 'You'll learn to love them.'

Liz · Mitch:Liz and Jack watch the family breakdown: 'It was ridiculous to lie to him that long anyway.' — about Mitch's age — while Mitch screams 'My life is ruined!'

Kenneth:Kenneth closes the episode with original Christmas carol: 'Imagine Christmas wishes? Shooting out of your eyes? A candy cake full of snow dreams? A stocking full of sm-i-i-iles?'

Tracy:Final title card/tag: 'It's a Jordan Christmas?' — ending on Tracy's ankle bracelet situation with a question mark