Ludachristmas

Oh, won't people just end up shredding their photos? / If you want to photo-scan, you flip the switch to 'PS.' And if you want to paper-shred, you flip the switch to... Oh.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry for whatever I'm going to do at the party tonight. And I forgive all of you in advance for leaving me passed out by the elevator in my own gravy.

Merry Ludachristmas, everyone!

Are you gonna do Horny Santa again, Frank? That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap. / Yes. Funny.

And we're gonna go to that restaurant where they pretend it's Mars!

No, I remember them arguing a lot during the gas crisis of '79. But since Carter left office, it's been pretty smooth sailing.

No, I invited her out of my paralyzing Irish guilt, but her plane was grounded because of Hurricane Zapato.

Ha! Look at that. That's where she lives. Jupiter. The eye of the storm.

She took a bus to Atlanta. She got JetBlue to accept an Amtrak ticket.

Isn't this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion. / I am, Mother. And there are only two nicer offices in the whole building. / Only two? I don't like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.

Is she Spanish? / What if she was, Mother? / She's very smart, Colleen. You'd like her. / My thanks to the peanut gallery.

Jack... this coat isn't gonna take itself off.

Mitch was in a skiing accident his senior year of high school, and he has what's called trauma-induced niveaphasia. Basically he's just stuck in the day before his accident.

Oh, tomorrow's the big day! It's gonna be totally rad! / Yeah, Mitch! Rad!

He thinks it's 1985. So if you meet him, just be cool. It should be mentioned that, sexually, Mitch is very much an adult. / No, it should not be mentioned.

Merry Jewish.

Christmas is about gratitude and togetherness. Sitting with friends and family around a crackling fire, waiting for the owl meat to cook.

Sometimes I don't think you people understand Christmas at all.

Hi. I think I'm early. I'm here to have Christmas meats eaten off my chest at some party?

So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York State? That's on me now?

And now? This time of the year? Ludachristmas? Nude Year's Eve? Martin Luther King Day? All you do is drink!

Okay. But who's project manager?

I'm sending them to my mother's hotel room because the room service there is 'too salty.'

Lemon party! Permission to land? / Permission granted!

Psych! You can't go! It's the senior class trip! / Aw! Psych! You got me, Mitch!

You are a very, very handsome man. Looks like an Arrow shirt model.

So, Jack, is this beautiful genius the best employee you've ever had or what? / No.

I like this guy's honesty. / Yeah, me too.

Show us what you've been working on, Wilma Shakespeare.

Oh, you! Butta-butta-butta! Mwah!

They built all of this because of words you wrote.

Hey, Liz, guess who's going skiing with me. Chris Stanek... your boyfriend! Whoo! Oh, what? Shut up! I don't like him! Boys are gross!

No, he was in a skiing accident, and he thinks it's 1985. / No, I get it. I'm talking about your parents.

Even when I sued the Lower White Haven School District to let girls play football.

We didn't make the playoffs that year, but I think we led the league in bravery.

I've never seen such relentless blind encouragement. No wonder you're a sexually frightened know-it-all.

I'm the lady from 'Flashdance'! / That's a good 'Flashdance,' honey. Good 'Flashdance.'

I was pretty addicted to coke back in my Wall Street days.

We can play party games... like 'Murder'! First, everybody takes a slip of paper out of a hat. And one person's slip says 'murderer,' and another person's slip says 'inspector.' Then everyone puts their head down. Except the murderer... He's the inspector. No, that's not right.

The TV had over 100 channels, for God's sakes. I'm only gonna be here for three days!

Jack, do you have a bathroom that I can get to in a hurry? / Yes. Right... in here, Mother. / Well, that is close, isn't it?

Oh, I love that name! C. C. / Ooh, I'll be any girlfriend of yours is a real winner! / Well, she is a congresswoman. / Oh, my goodness! Congresswoman!

And she does have her own Lifetime movie. / Lifetime! Wowzers!

Why don't we cut the charade and you two tell me what exactly it is you want from me?

Open, open? Homina, homina, homina? Open Pit barbecue sauce? / Yes. This is the sweet spot.

Oh, and no chitchat between songs this year. People don't watch 'Letterman' for Paul Shaffer.

Are you, like, a friend of my mom's or something? I mean, I'll tell her you said hi.

What's up? Do you like Wham!? 'Cause I'm kind of like the George Michael of my school.

Definitely. My parents are away next week. You should come over. I'll be in the hot tub.

That's a filthy Christmas miracle.

It's got cheese and butter and caramel. All my favorites. How did you know?

Oh, in his mind, Reagan is still president. / You lucky bastard.

Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot, and drink all I want!

Shut the doors. Some people need to learn about Christmas.

Although I did kind of change everything forever.

Jack, you laced those up like a professional. / Good for you! / Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?

In my case, they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally, and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin. You wish you were in my family.

Let's all meet down at the soda shop while this country turns into Mexico.

Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

You give me 10 minutes with the Lemon family, and I'll have them tearing at each other like drag queens at a wig sale.

That is not a Christmas tree. It's a way to lure tourists into the basement to buy $20 salads.

I am gonna have the fried onion tower for two... for one!

See, Mother? Not all species eat their young.

Really? Life is too short? Because your life seems endless.

It's about getting drunk and hugging your cousin until your mom says, 'Frank, enough.'

Is this a culture where toplessness is common?

We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree! / Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Chop it down! / No! No, wait!

Because the Lemons are not what they appear to be. I mean, I may be heavy furniture, but I did a pretty good job raising you.

Wouldn't be a Lemon party without old Dick.

We were a little embarrassed, Liz.

Are you taking a stand now by not giving us grandchildren? / Oh, you want grandchildren, Margaret? Why don't you ever bother Mitch about that? / Because he's 17! / He's 40!

What? Oh, my God. The accident. I hit the tree! No, don't remember. Oh, I'm so old!

Thank you, Elizabeth Lemon! You are so self-centered, young lady! You didn't even offer to pay for this dinner. I'm on a fixed income!

Bingo.

I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. Hold that, Kenneth. This is a flask. So y'all probably shouldn't be listening to me.

You know why I stay with you, Dick?! Yes, I do know. Because I have nothing to give another man! / 'Cause you have no income of your own.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse. / I hate cats. / You'll learn to love them.