Colleen Donaghy

Colleen · Jack:Colleen walks into Jack's office and immediately says 'Isn't this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion.' Then: 'Only two? I don't like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.'

Colleen · Jack · Liz:Colleen listens to Jack's voicemail from C.C. and asks 'Is she Spanish?' When Jack asks 'What if she was, Mother?', Colleen replies 'My thanks to the peanut gallery.'

Colleen:Colleen to Jack: 'this coat isn't gonna take itself off'

Colleen:Colleen complains about the hotel: 'The TV had over 100 channels, for God's sakes. I'm only gonna be here for three days!'

Colleen · Jack:Colleen inspects the bathroom Jack points her to: 'Well, that is close, isn't it?' — implying the bathroom proximity is alarming, then 'Yeah, I'll be right out.' from inside the bathroom before he can respond.

Colleen:Colleen calls the Lemons out over the phone: 'Let's all meet down at the soda shop while this country turns into Mexico.'

Jack · Colleen:Jack tells Colleen: 'Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.'

Colleen:Colleen's response to 'terrorist cells are more nurturing': 'Be careful. I'll cry.'

Colleen:Colleen wagers she can break the Lemon family in 10 minutes: 'You give me 10 minutes with the Lemon family, and I'll have them tearing at each other like drag queens at a wig sale.'

Colleen:Colleen asks about grandchildren: 'Any grandchildren? Aw. What a shame. Must eat you up inside.'

Colleen:Colleen to Liz: 'Thank you, Elizabeth Lemon! You are so self-centered, young lady! You didn't even offer to pay for this dinner. I'm on a fixed income!'

Jack · Colleen · Dick Lemon · Margaret Lemon · Mitch:The Lemon family Christmas dinner descends: Margaret and Dick clearly fighting while Mitch has his crisis; 'Could I have another drink? / Bingo' — structural joke of Jack confirming family dysfunction

Jack · Colleen:Merry Christmas scene — Jack says 'Merry Christmas, Mother.' Colleen: 'Merry Christmas, Jackie. Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse.' / Jack: 'I hate cats.' / Colleen: 'You'll learn to love them.'

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:Colleen calls down from her room: "Well, why don't you try taking one of the many blankets off you if you're feeling hot?" / "Yes, I know. It is hard. Life is hard." / "No, I wasn't. I was just scratching my head."

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:"Yes, he does speak English, mother. Jamaican people speak Eng— She hung up."

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:"Mother, what is so urgent that you could not wait until I came back from the front door?" / "I need my other bell." / "We agreed, one by the bed, and one by the toilet."

Colleen:Colleen's insistence: "I want you to know, and believe, that what happened to me in Florida was an accident. My son Jackie did not run me over on purpose. Case closed. And I don't want to hear another word about it."

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:"The real tragedy is that the accident broke, of course, the Cartier watch that Jackie gave me early this year for Christmas. Ho, ho, ho." / "It's not Cartier. It's Chopard." / "Yes, of course. Chopard. Not the Cartier watch that I wanted."

Colleen:Colleen's bell flashback: "Jackie, sweetheart. Can you get this heavy wool blanket out from underneath me? I'm sweating like a grape picker."

Colleen:"Come on, put me back into it... Jacqueline." — Colleen using Jack's full name like a weapon

Colleen:"My other hip!" — Colleen's dramatic exclamation as Jack apparently injures her other hip while helping

Colleen:"Exhibit A. Your cell phone bill. Exhibit B. The watch... And it stopped at 8:08. Exhibit C. 16 minus 8 is 8. Numbers, unlike children, don't lie."

Colleen:Final line — Colleen: "You *****, Jack."

Jack's assistant · Colleen:Jack's assistant on the phone tells Colleen that Liz is with Jack: 'Well, she's wearing it pulled back, but it's not working. Exactly, because of her ears.'

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:Colleen appears just as Jack is about to leave with the woman: 'Nice try, Mother.' — implying Colleen staged the entire encounter

Colleen:Colleen: 'The Grim Reaper, who is black, I assume, what, with the hoodies he wears.'

Colleen:Re: the scout master: 'I didn't trust that scout master. He was always wearing shorts.'

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:Colleen's dying preparations: 'These are the clothes that I want to be buried in. And make sure I'm holding this. Glue the pin to the inside of the coffin lid.' / 'For grave robbers.'

Colleen:'I went down to a pack a day for you!' — Colleen justifying her sacrifices as a mother

Colleen:Colleen's stroke symptoms: 'I was watching TV, and they started interviewing an Asian Santa Claus, and my arm went numb!'

Colleen:'My father did not kill dozens of Germans so that his daughter could die in a van!'

Colleen:Colleen: 'Just leave the door open, and let the elements take me.' — her preferred method of death

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:Colleen: 'I'll take a horse-drawn carriage.' Jack: 'Those carriages are rolling torture wagons for nature's most dignified creature! The horse is one of only three appropriate subjects for a painting, along with ships with sails and men holding up swords while staring off into the distance.'

Colleen:'I'm going out of this world exactly the way I came into it. Wearing a hat!'

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:Jenna: 'Also, you need to tell your Aunt Mary, when she was two, there was an accident with a hot comb. And, well, she used to be a boy.'

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:Jack challenges Colleen's apparent change of heart: 'Since when did you ever care about happiness?' / 'Don't talk to me like that, Jack! I breastfed you for nine years!'