My Whole Life Is Thunder

Liz Lemon:Liz Lemon sings an improvised wedding song to announce her marriage: '# Married # # Liz Lemon got married # # And made up this song, doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo-doo #'

Frank:'What the H-E-double-vibrator is that thing on your left hand?'

Jenna · Paul:Jenna reveals she had a surprise wedding planned: 'You just ruined my surprise wedding!' — complete with Paul waiting upstairs and Reverend Gimp

Paul:'I guess I ate all that asparagus for nothing.'

Reverend Gimp:'Where can I get the C train?' — Reverend Gimp asks after the wedding is called off

Jenna:'A-listers always have surprise weddings now, Liz. Timberbiel, Beyon-Z, Anne Hatha-nobody.'

Jenna:'technically, I am an A-lister now because I was on a list to date Tom Cruise, but I bailed before I got sucked in too deep, praise Xenu!'

Cerie · Liz Lemon:Cerie tells Liz 'It's inspiring to see that a woman in her 30s can still find true love.' Liz corrects her: 'I'm 42, Cerie.' Cerie responds: 'I don't know what that is.'

Cerie · Liz Lemon:The award description: 'Congratulations on being named one of the 80 Under 80, honoring women in entertainment who aren't Betty White!'

Cerie:The ceremony will be broadcast on 'Lifetime... oh, dot com, backslash garbagefile'

Liz Lemon:Liz does an excited dance/scat: 'Doo-ba-doo-ba-dow! Ba-doo-pomp-boo-pomp-boo-ba-da!'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Liz attempts 'classic Girl Friday banter' with Jack: 'Now, you listen here, Jack. This story's not gonna write itself, see? / Oh, stop! You brute! I love you! Operator!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's mother insists on traveling on Pearl Harbor Day 'to show the Emperor we're not afraid'

Jack Donaghy:'That's only 14 in demon years, Lemon. The woman's constant disapproval of me will keep her alive forever!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's phone ring is described as 'shriller' for his mother, implying he has a specific ringtone for her shrill quality

Jack's assistant · Colleen:Jack's assistant on the phone tells Colleen that Liz is with Jack: 'Well, she's wearing it pulled back, but it's not working. Exactly, because of her ears.'

Kenneth · Tracy Jordan:Kenneth explains why he's mopping the floor angrily: 'First Miss Lemon fired my girlfriend, and now Hazel broke up with me.' — the same person

Tracy Jordan:Tracy: 'Because despite cell phones, iPads, and computers, it's still the most effective portal for poltergeists?'

Kenneth:'The people you care about never leave. And the bad guy always gets what she deserves.'

Unknown:Someone comments 'Someone's looking lovely today!' then adds: 'What a burn! I could have meant someone else. Although I didn't. She's radiant.'

Jenna:Jenna, having found out her surprise wedding is ruined: 'Since I'm not getting married today, I might as well stuff my face.'

Jenna:'My whole life is thunder!'

Jenna:'Next you'll tell me Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign!'

Liz Lemon:'did you know that Chuck Scarborough is anatomically a woman? So I am a lesbian.'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Liz's flashback/fantasy of first meeting Jenna: Jenna in period costume ('What brings a mummer to Lightsman's Row?') speaking to a young boy — revealed to be Liz

Jenna:'Oh, Liz, you had me at "Hayden Panettiere is dead"!'

Unknown woman · Jack Donaghy:A woman approaches Jack: 'I'm a nymphomaniac virgin widow, and I just completed my year of mourning. And I've got a hotel room and a latex allergy, and I was just wondering what you were doing for the next 12 to 14 hours.'

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:Colleen appears just as Jack is about to leave with the woman: 'Nice try, Mother.' — implying Colleen staged the entire encounter

Colleen:Colleen: 'The Grim Reaper, who is black, I assume, what, with the hoodies he wears.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack recites Colleen's 'dying speech' from memory: 'How could you do this to me? You're such a huge disappointment. If only Dragnet hadn't been preempted because of Sputnik, you never would have been conceived!'

Colleen:Re: the scout master: 'I didn't trust that scout master. He was always wearing shorts.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy reveals he had the mice spell out 'Come see me' in crumbs on the floor

Florence Henderson · Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:Florence Henderson appears as 'special guest star' — Tracy says 'None of that Brady stuff' and she immediately asks: 'Are you the perverts who want to go to town on each other while I make a pie?'

Bonny Badamath:Awards MC Bonny Badamath: 'I can't shake hands because I have carpal tunnel syndrome from zipping up my own dress now that Gary's gone.'

Bonny Badamath:Bonny: 'Well, I'm just glad you found the place, what, with my directions. Because Gary was the navigator.'

Liz Lemon:Liz sees her photo in the program: 'Why does the other Liz Lemon always come up first?' — implying there's a more famous Liz Lemon whose Google results crowd her out

Liz Lemon:Liz discovers Jenna is setting up her own wedding in the ceremony venue to ruin Liz's award moment

Unnamed woman (implied Oprah):A woman at the ceremony empathizes with Liz's best friend problems: 'You know what my best friend did for my 50th birthday? She gives everybody a car. And then she was all, "Thank you for coming to Gayle's birthday!"'

Unnamed woman (Gayle King):Gayle King explains her best friend grievance: 'When I got bangs, my best friend didn't even acknowledge them... after reading an article in my best friend's magazine, I realized my feelings are valid.'

Liz Lemon:When I got bangs, my best friend didn't even acknowledge them. So I was gonna grow them out. Then, after reading an article in my best friend's magazine, I realized my feelings are valid. So I had to say to her, 'My bangs, they're not about you. It's about me trying to cover my forehead.'

Liz Lemon · Gayle King:'We're talking about Oprah, right? / No, of course not. She can hear us!'

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:Colleen's dying preparations: 'These are the clothes that I want to be buried in. And make sure I'm holding this. Glue the pin to the inside of the coffin lid.' / 'For grave robbers.'

Colleen:'I went down to a pack a day for you!' — Colleen justifying her sacrifices as a mother

Colleen:Colleen's stroke symptoms: 'I was watching TV, and they started interviewing an Asian Santa Claus, and my arm went numb!'

Colleen:'My father did not kill dozens of Germans so that his daughter could die in a van!'

Jack Donaghy:'But he wasn't even in the war!' — Jack's deflation of the heroic narrative

Colleen:Colleen: 'Just leave the door open, and let the elements take me.' — her preferred method of death

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:Colleen: 'I'll take a horse-drawn carriage.' Jack: 'Those carriages are rolling torture wagons for nature's most dignified creature! The horse is one of only three appropriate subjects for a painting, along with ships with sails and men holding up swords while staring off into the distance.'

Colleen:'I'm going out of this world exactly the way I came into it. Wearing a hat!'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy asks Kenneth if the sun-bleached janitor is 'the same guy as before, or does that sun-bleached turd have a twin brother?'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's elevator plan backfires: 'This was a bad idea! Is this alcohol-based? Why are you doing this to me, Jacob?!'

Bonny Badamath:Awards MC: 'I am told she got married just today. Just like Gary and that bitch who was selling us our dream house.'

Bonny Badamath · Various:The DVD/disc fails to play at the ceremony: 'Hang on. This is being weird. / Blow on the disc. / Is it on the right component? / Try unplugging it and plugging it back in! / Just open the disc part and blow on it!'

Jenna:Jenna emerges holding the disc: 'Looking for this?' — villain reveal

Jenna Maroney · Liz Lemon:Jenna: 'Without me, you'd still be behind that light board in Chicago turning bags of Sour Patch Kids inside out to lick them clean.' Liz: 'I got my money's worth!'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:'And without me, you'd still be doing local commercials for store-brand douches. / Well, joke's on you because that wasn't a commercial. I don't know what it was!'

Liz Lemon · Jenna:'I swear to God, you are the most selfish human being on the planet. / Thank you. Visit my website for extras and ringtones.'

Liz Lemon · Jenna:I swear to God, you are the most selfish human being on the planet. Thank you. Visit my website for extras and ringtones.

Jenna · Lighting tech:Jenna bribes the lighting tech to light the stage 'like a grocery store milk aisle'

Colleen · Jack Donaghy:Jenna: 'Also, you need to tell your Aunt Mary, when she was two, there was an accident with a hot comb. And, well, she used to be a boy.'

Jack Donaghy · Colleen:Jack challenges Colleen's apparent change of heart: 'Since when did you ever care about happiness?' / 'Don't talk to me like that, Jack! I breastfed you for nine years!'

Paul:Paul, inside the steamer trunk for hours: 'It's all right! The lack of oxygen is making me orgasm!'

Judy · Jenna:Judy (a random audience member) defends Jenna: 'We shouldn't be defining ourselves by our men.' / Jenna: 'Oh, so in order to be independent, we have to be asexual? / You would know, Judy!'

Bonny Badamath:Bonny: 'God, I miss Gary so much! I put his sweater on a body pillow... I took it for a canoe ride!'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'Fire up the Lekos! And the Klieg!' — deploying theatrical lighting knowledge as a weapon against Jenna's sabotage

Liz Lemon:Liz deflates Colleen's apparent last words: 'Really? 'Cause that doesn't sound like her, but I guess people do say strange things at the end. My grandmother said, "Liz, stop playing with the flesh around my elbow."'

Jack Donaghy:Jack reframes Colleen's 'I just want you to be happy' as the most devastating insult: 'You say it to someone who has disappointed you.'

Jack Donaghy:'No. It's perfect. She's a genius. One last twist of the knife.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'Colleen wanted to be buried before the rest of the family found out and sold her body to a haunted house.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'One more chance to disappoint her as she looks up at me from her throne in Hell.'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Jenna's rare emotional honesty: 'All these years, I've always been able to look at you and feel better about myself.' / Liz: 'Sure.' / 'Don't interrupt.'

Jenna:'The pill that lets me feel emotion is gonna wear off soon.'

Jenna:Jenna's emotional confessional spirals into: 'you're married to a guy that I think about during sex.'

Jenna · Liz Lemon:Watching you struggle at work, dating losers, wearing boys' husky jeans -- / They have reinforced crotches.

Jenna:The pill wears off: 'Pill wearing off. You have mom arms.'

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth:Tracy presents 'Hazel' but it's a different actress: 'I recast her! She tested through the roof! / At the STD clinic.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's speech: 'Where else but real life would a millionaire movie star care so much about a hillbilly janitor that he would spend two days trying to cheer him up? You can't do that on television because if you did, no one would watch.'

Quon Lee · Tracy Jordan:'I sure picked the right week to come back. / You weren't supposed to have any lines, Quon Lee. Now I have to pay you!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'The man who in 1984 wore a tuxedo so well, he broke up the Go-Go's.'

Jack Donaghy:The eulogy begins: 'Dublin. 1852. A ship bobs in the lee tide of the icy Irish Sea. Her name? Ariel.'

Jack Donaghy:Eulogizing montage: 'Today we are all Irish! / And the plumber says, "I don't-a know, but that's a pretty big-a pizza!" / Life is for the living!'

Unknown mourner:'Thank you, Kermit, for explaining the afterlife to us.' — apparently Kermit the Frog has been part of the eulogy

Jack Donaghy:Sir Paul McCartney and the Harlem Boys Choir perform at the funeral

Jenna:Jenna's wedding vow: 'I promise not to make fun of you when you ask where your glasses are and they're on your head.'

Paul:Paul's wedding vow: 'I promise to always pour antibiotics all over your penis before you staple it to anything.'

Officiant:'Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mrs. and Mr. Jenna Maroneys!'