Sun Tea

Oh. Haven't you heard? The building's going condo.

They could've done, 'Geiss screams, son pay!' you know, like, ice cream sundae.

Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking... He invented that.

Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segue. Talk about your thing now.

A walk-in humidor, a lap pool, and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.

Make him an offer he can't refuse. Trademark 1974, Don Geiss.

It's like check in at an Italian airport.

Were you gonna pee in that jar? I didn't know anyone was here. That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea. Some of them are sun tea, and some of them were sun tea.

Some of them are sun tea, and some of them were sun tea.

He gets the jars, and in return he's agreed to let a Yale sweatshirt be our designated fart dampener.

We'd have a room dog named Meatus.

I will fight my sister tooth and nail to get what I deserve because I, Bertram Geiss, am still daddy's fancy boy.

where has this jar been?

My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends?

If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?

I have these rare kadupul blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green.

Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

But I'm gonna be grumpy until the end this sentence.

I have a view because that dentist blew up his townhouse.

I can't shut the flue, so the apartment smells like Burger King all day and Cinnabon all night.

and their imaginary husband, astronaut Mike Dexter.

based on your shoes and teeth, i'm guessing you can't either

Like check in at an Italian sex party.

Oh, you ancient bitch!

I know it's my turn to do the dishes, but I'm in character, and if you make me do the dishes I will kill myself!

Our topical cold open is about Omarosa borrowing Bjork's swan dress.

It's 'take your black kid to work day.'

Oh, no, Vanessa into a concert! Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes!

Bitches can be tricky.

Damn it! I ain't live like this! I'm getting a vasectomy too!

this one's for my erotic massager, and this one's for something personal.

I should warn you that general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations. So I highly recommend it.

because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you.

I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!

Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.

I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.

are they just gonna put that stupid green peacock in the corner of the screen?

You lied to me, Bill Cosby! You lied to me!

That's why my life is not like the Cosby Show. I only have boys, and boys are disgusting!

Don't snip my vas deferens!

Even if he's gay!

Like Warren Moon must've felt back in 1995!

A gay hipster cop. You're an interesting guy, Brian.

That junk is priceless.

'T' is for terrific, 'R' is for rad, 'A' is for awesome, 'C'... 'cause he's my dad.

Why doesn't that say 'hero'? That feels like a real missed opportunity.

What's a trash barrel but a big salad bowl filled with trash?

You look like a turtle who lost its shell.

Why did I sell my Delorean to Mr. T?

I hope he makes mean across helmet so I don't get hurt playing across!

You used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment.

Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

A whale is in trouble. I have to go.

Smell my flowers, Kenneth.