Hogcock!

Liz Lemon · Criss:Liz struggles to get her kids ready — 'Criss, shoes and socks!' while also managing comic books and jackets — establishing she's now a stay-at-home mom in chaotic domestic mode

Liz Lemon:Online parenting forum thread: 'Is that like a girl doctor? Go back to Saudi Arabia, Hitler!'

Liz Lemon:'You're buying a bike but not a helmet? The head is where the child's brain is. Why don't you get educated, double Hitler?'

Liz Lemon:'Helmets inhibit brain development. You might as well give your darling child vaccines, which studies show cause homosexuality.'

Liz Lemon:'So what? My two-year-old is super gay, and we love him more than a straight child because he doesn't rape!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack announces he moved Kabletown's customer service 'to a part of India that has no phones' — providing 'the same level of service at zero the cost'

Jack Donaghy:Jack replaces Kabletown's 'kitten in spaghetti' motivational poster with his 'six sigma wheel of domination'

Jack Donaghy:'And then we'll be able to get even better trophy wives... Half-Asian ones!'

Jonathan · Unnamed visitor:Jonathan reveals he was once caught by a visitor in a wedding dress, dancing with one of Jack's suits

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:'Does that include dry heaving?' / 'And wet.'

Liz Lemon:Criss has a degree in ethno-musicology from Wesleyan, so he's now a receptionist in a dental office

Jack Donaghy:'Hogcock!' — Jack's made-up portmanteau combining 'hogwash' and 'poppycock'

Jack Donaghy:Jack describes New York as 'a city built on the religion of capitalism' and himself as its 'high priest, looking down on the swinish multitude'

Liz Lemon:Jack's 'Frankenstein's which, as far as we know, worked' — Tracy's fires to ward off Frankensteins

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'And this makes you happy?' / 'It should.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack quotes Yoda: 'Dark times are these'

Kenneth Parcell · Nakamura-San:NBC pitch to Japanese game show: contestants could win money instead of 'penis punches'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy complains that Ken promised he'd 'always be there for me, no matter what' — then immediately: 'And yet you still say stupid stuff to me all the time and suck at carrying boxes!'

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:Kenneth offers Liz: 'Chickpeas, moonshine, turtle meat?'

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:Kenneth: 'You've always had the body for it' — in response to Liz saying she's concentrating on being a mom

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:Kenneth's list of TV no-no words: 'Woman, writer, New York'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth pitches his ideal TV show: a guy gets a drink thrown in his face, turns to his dog and says 'Don't even say it' — to his dog!

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's meltdown in makeup: 'I will tell the other gays your real ages!'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna is ignored mid-tantrum and realizes it; her threat escalates to 'Stop ignoring me!'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'How dare you, you rotting pear?' — as an insult to the PA

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's exit insult: 'Good-bye forever, you factory reject dildos.'

Jack Donaghy · Inga:Jack to his assistant Inga: 'I'm afraid I'm gonna have to spank you again.'

Kenneth Parcell · Jack Donaghy:Kenneth: 'Sir, I know this is my office, but it would make me more comfortable if we switched places.'

Kenneth Parcell · Jack Donaghy:Kenneth: 'Where are all the baby pigeons?' — his deep personal preoccupation, cut off by Jack's actual topic

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's pig-with-a-soul analogy: 'If a pig says, if I can communicate with you telepathically, do I have a soul? And then you're like, no. Duh. Into the slaughtering chute.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I'm going to crush this problem... with my ass.' — beat, then cut to 'A.S.S.' acronym reveal

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's phonetic spelling of his name: 'T as in the drink, R as in the pirate noise, A as in the Fonzie noise, C as in sea monster, Y as in why do we even make friends if they're gonna let you down when we need them the most?'

Liz Lemon:Internet forum thread: stay-at-home vs. working parent war, culminating in: 'I'll be the one wearing a purple sweater and wrapping a baby swing around some skank's neck.'

Liz Lemon:'For example, the rapper T.I., who wrote, Better get on yo job, tell em. Haters get on yo job, nougats.' ...at least I think he was saying 'nougats.'

Internet Commenter:Internet mom message board: 'I put all my old work energy into parenting. My kids hate me, which gives me more parenting to do.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack doing karate moves and declaring 'Now I am the sensei! The parking space closest to the door is mine!'

The Colonel:Weather co-host 'The Colonel' advises viewers: 'If you can, get hit by a car. You get to spend a couple days in the hospital, and they'll give you soup.'

Jack Donaghy · Nancy · Elisa:Nancy: 'What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot.' / Elisa: 'It would have to be a conjugal visit because I am in a Puerto Rican jail.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna on Law & Order: 'I am just so glad to finally return to my two loves... Dramatic acting and sex crimes.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna demands to know why she dies in the L&O episode: 'But if I'm dead, how can I become a recurring character? And if I'm not a recurring character, how will I get away with horrible stuff, like this?'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's L&O scene: She's playing dead but says 'My foot hurts, but I'm okay' and claims 'I think this injury has given me crime-solving powers. It's Mind beauty.'

L&O Director · Jenna Maroney:L&O director: 'I'm done. Who is this chick?' / Jenna: 'All television is beneath me. I will only do cinema.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'I am going to the city of angels, a veterinary hospital where I get dog sedatives that help me relax when I fly. Then I'm flying to Los Angeles!'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's second farewell insult: 'Good-bye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter.'

Criss Chros:Criss explains he keeps getting up from his desk for coffee until he's 'jittery and weird and... bird!'

Criss Chros · Liz Lemon:Criss and Liz discover their roles are reversed: 'You're... the dad.' / 'I do like ignoring your questions while I try to watch TV.'

Criss Chros:Criss pitches a show idea: 'a show about a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like, I'm turning 30... Again.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy: 'Damn it! Why did I get such a loud pacemaker?'

Tracy Jordan · Dotcom:Tracy: 'When I went up to Ken's office earlier, I saw his schedule on his assistant's pornography box!' / Dotcom: 'You mean computer?' / Tracy: 'Whatever.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy: 'What am I... My son's piano recital?'

Dotcom · Tracy Jordan:Dotcom: 'Unless you need us to hate the new Taylor Swift album. That girl has feelings. You're wrong, Dotcom!'

Jack Donaghy · Kenneth Parcell:Jack describes his 'upward spiral' — Kenneth says that's not a thing — and Jack responds: 'Neither is talking two Catholic beauties into a delicious vanilla-caramel sex swirl, but I did it.'

Jack Donaghy · Nancy:Jack: 'And I got rid of their accents.' / Nancy: 'Jack, porking in that prison basement was wicked awesome.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'Thank you, you two, for blowing my brains.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack, having achieved corporate dominance, feels 'like I have a macropenis right now'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's alternate pitch: 'John Hardly. He loves his family, but he hates the rat race. He's hardly working.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth: 'I don't mean those two Santas I saw kissing on the subway.'

Liz Lemon · Kenneth Parcell:Liz to Kenneth: 'You've really changed.' / Kenneth: 'I don't think so. You look nice today.' / Liz: 'Shut your chin slit.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna, arriving at LAX in a wheelchair, immediately declares: 'Shut it down. I will return to my first love... Broadway!' — insulting airport staff as 'Eastern European knockoff Mr. Potato heads'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna shuts down Broadway as her next plan, exiting with 'You Eastern European knockoff Mr. Potato heads'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy releases Kenneth from his promise: 'So, like the snakes I kept in my dressing room, I release you.'

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell:Tracy apparently drops a tissue on the floor and asks: 'Am I supposed to drop this on the floor? And while we're naming things, my car ran out of gas on the Long Island Expressway.'

Liz Lemon:Liz negotiates a job: 'I'm looking for six figures, eight if you're counting cents, which I fell for once before... Not cool, The Gap.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack lists his enemies now pissed off: 'Pelosi, Maddow, Baldwin.'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'You're just an alcoholic with a great voice.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'You're the one who wormed your way into my brain with your endless handwringing and feelings. I used to be a shark, and then you unsharkulated me.'

Avery Jessup:Jack's ex-wife's voice from somewhere: 'There! You're no longer special to him. Get out! Get out of our lives! Yes!'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'NBC — the same company that suggested we get flush buddies to save water.'

Liz Lemon · Kathy Geiss:Liz describes holding Tracy down 'like that machine Kathy Geiss invented that hugs old people' — cut to the machine crushing an elderly person: 'My God, this will change elder care forever. Whoops. Nope.'

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:Tracy enters with something to delay the show — Liz grabs it away: 'No! Nice try. Get that out of here.' / Tracy: 'The night is young. And neither are you.'

Weatherman / Al Roker:The weather broadcast directs viewers to 'leave work, get in your purple Bentley, and be home with your sharks before the tristate area gets slammed'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Liz: 'What did you do to Al Roker to make him do that?' / Jack: 'Let's just say his wife is on the board of a children's hospital, and they need a celebrity to host their annual gala, and I threatened to do it.'

Jack Donaghy · Jenna Maroney:Jack: 'I've lost so much already.' / 'Did the doctor that prescribes your antidepressants go to jail too?'

Conan O'Brien · Liz Lemon:Liz's ex Conan shows up in the park: 'We were gonna lose our virginity to each other! Now I'll never lose it!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons, drinking scotch and throwing firecrackers at Billy Joel's dog!'

Jack Donaghy · Libby (Jack's daughter):Jack crying — then: 'Daddy, please stop crying.'

Cerie · Lutz · TGS staff:The Blimpie's/lunch picker conflict: Cerie reveals it may be Season 8 alphabetically — the new picker would be 'A'...

Lutz:Lutz reveals his name was written on flypaper: 'I wrote it on flypaper. I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!'

Lutz:Lutz changed his name to 'Aardvark' to be first alphabetically.

Lutz · TGS staff:Cut to: a single puppy. Just a puppy. The staff stares.

Jenna Maroney · Kenneth Parcell:Jenna's song from 'The Rural Juror' musical — 'Norman Blurder, the Rural Juror' — Kenneth's face reacting to it

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's acting advice: 'To act drunk, you just wear two different-sized heels. And to cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'Well, that's not gonna be easy, Kenneth, considering I'm the only person who works here.'

Liz Lemon:Liz explains her necklace: 'I want to be buried in it. So if anything ever happens to me and you can't find my body but you can find this, don't overthink it. Just bury the necklace and move on.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy explains how to fake your own death: '8 or 9 years. No big bank withdrawals. Instead, the day before it goes down, you deposit $70. Why would a guy planning to fake his death deposit $70? He wouldn't!'

Grizz:Grizz casually mentions: 'I've been so distracted lately. Grizz just found out his uncle left him a bed-and-breakfast outside Santa Fe. I'm gonna be a real fish out of water.'

Lutz:Lutz's emotional Blimpie's monologue: '...Dumb, old, uncool, part-Inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz!'

Lutz:Lutz: 'And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!'

Liz Lemon:Tracy is hiding in a strip club — 'the closest thing he has to hiding out in a church'

MC:Strip club MC: 'Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody! The least molested person in here.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy at the strip club: 'If you think it's about the money, you're even dumber than I look.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's explanation for sabotaging the show: 'My dad going to get a pack of smokes and never coming back, all those Foster parents talking about adopting me and never did.'

Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan:Liz's honest goodbye speech to Tracy: 'I'll see on TV that it's your birthday and I'll forget to call. And working with you is hard. Tracy, you frustrated me and you wore me out.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack elaborates on his fake-death plan: 'You let people see you with the glass in your hand. That way, after the crash, they'll be like, God, that idiot. What did he do?'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's 'video suicide note' is revealed — complete with 'Try not to blame yourself. How were you to know I was in such a dark place that the smallest thing... a close friend's refusal to reconcile... would be the final straw.'

Pete Hornberger · Liz Lemon:Pete: 'I can track his phone.' Liz: 'Go to YouTube and search Hamlet the mini pig goes downstairs.' Pete: 'No! Phone first!' / Liz: 'I'll watch the pig video in the cab.'

Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:Tracy to Jenna: 'My Bologna, in all honesty, I'm going out for cigarettes now. And I'll be home in 15 minutes.'

Liz Lemon:Liz arrives at the waterfront: 'There's so much to live for! Don't you want to know how Mad Men ends? Don goes to work for Peggy!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack explains his love using etymology: from 'old high German luba, from the Latin lubere, meaning to be pleasing'... as if it were 'a hot bowl of bear meat or your enemy's skull, split.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's farewell monologue to America: 'Not a lot of people watched it. But the joke's on you, 'cause we got paid anyway.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack immediately has a breakthrough while on his boat and turns around: 'Clear dishwashers! So you can see what's going on inside! My God, yes! It's the best idea I've ever had. Thank God I took that boat trip.'

Pete Hornberger · Paula:Pete's wife drives up: 'Get in the car, Pete.' Pete: 'Paula! I mean, who's Pete? I have amnesia! I... Damn it! I practiced this!'

Liz Lemon · Child/Sam:Liz is shown with her kids — one appears to be Sam (the dog from earlier callbacks). 'Wait. You're Sam?' / 'Don't even say it.'

Jenna Maroney · Award presenter:Jenna's award show speech: '...the incomparable Judge Judy Scheindlin.' Award presenter: 'Hey, what are you doing? They called my name!' Jenna: 'See ya later, suckers! Meep-meep! Pyung!'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy on the phone: 'Hey, Lemon Ice, could I call you back? My dad finally came back from getting cigarettes.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack calls Liz: 'Don't forget Tracy's birthday.' — a callback to the honest goodbye where Liz admitted she'd forget.

Kenneth Parcell · Future Liz Lemon descendant:Flash-forward: Kenneth as an elderly executive; Liz's descendant pitches him a show called '30 Rock' — 'It's based on stories my great-grandmother told me.' Kenneth: 'I know. And I love it.'