Nancy Donovan

That's my maiden name. I keep tellin' ya. Things have changed. But not your hair. It's like a shag carpet. I wanna sit on it and play a board game.

Yeah, I did plays in high school too. I was John Proctor in The Crucible. Oh, you went to an all-girls' school? No.

We were all jealous of Lisa Alberson 'cause she got to play his horse.

I thought you'd have some hotshot young wife with black hair who says queer stuff like, 'dressing on the side.'

Was she a bitch or did you cheat? The former. The former? What are you, a newscaster?

I'll have you know that my husband happens to be a very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist. No, I'm kiddin' ya. He's an Irish moron. Runs a roofing company.

So if you need your roof done, call someone else, Because my guy's... Not reliable.

I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school. Otherwise this whole thing would be so awkward. Excuse me, we kissed every night on stage in Hey, Beantown.

But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians. They do love it.

Jonathan, why do I have an Indian assistant if my computer is always... Jack. I'm messing with you.

I'm tired of waking up to a porch full of dead squirrels.

I'm messing with you... Oh, very funny, Donna

Tonight's top story, A Worcester man accused of trading his foster son for gasoline. And later in the hour, Ten tips on how to make your cat's birthday go purr-fectly.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Sharon Stone did a crap job rebuilding those Katrina homes, and Mark thinks he can make a fortune down there.

neither one of us know what to do about the dog, 'cause we both hate it.

Yeah, we talked to Dr. Phil, and then we made a collage in our dream journals.

They just run off to New Orleans And jump on that B.S. Saints bandwagon. Go pats.

Can you wire the doorbell to the dog?

Ruh-ro!

I didn't have the heart to tell Mrs. Schwitzer that you've moved to New York, so I told her you were in jail for manslaughter.

You're a wackadoo, Donaghy.

And you look like you won second prize in a beauty contest... Collect $10.

Left over from my amtrak ride.

I got the night bloats.

I thought you said this wasn't going to be sexual.

The last time I used a birth control device, it was the '70s, and it looked like soap on a rope.

We'll just do it together on that tour boat that's painted like a shark.

Way better than the Indian joint I go to in Boston. O'Doyle's.

How can something that animals do be a big deal? Worms can do it with any other worm.

Also, it was after midnight on a Saturday. So technically, it was a Sunday. A man had his hands on my hips on a day that was set aside for the Lord.

Man, Catholic guilt. Am I right? [Jack's awkward silence response]

I'm a mom. Give me a break.

Tickle each other like teletubbies.

Two spider-mans fighting, And sometimes they make weird noises, But they're not hurting each other.

How often did they walk in on you? A lot.

The usual ladies' room nonsense. Girl with boyfriend troubles. Someone forgot tampons. Everybody's bad at science and math.

Smug 40-year-old bridesmaid. What a treat for everyone.

And by the way, when I blew your mind last night, I was giving it about 50%.

"What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot."

"Jack, porking in that prison basement was wicked awesome."

Nancy, I know this is unconventional, but I really think a group relationship could work. - What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot.

Oh, thank you, you two, for blowing my brains.